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I^FER^AIi 


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OR, 


I>IAl<Ol^rES 


OF 


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HI'   THE  I.IST£^VER. 


alfttsiittrstj: 

PRLNTED  AND  SOLD  BY  JOHNSTON  &  STOCKTON, 
37  MARKET  STREET. 

1832. 


J^^l^®©^©^!©-???* 


Nothing  can  be  more  various  and  opposite  than  the 
opinions  of  mankind,  respecting  the  influence  and  agen- 
cy of  infernal  spirits.  Some  continualij  throw  the  blame 
of. their  vices  upon  the  poer  devil.  Take  their  word  for 
it,  and  they  are,  upon  all  occasions,  the  innocent  dupes 
to  his  subtiltj  and  malice.  They  represent  him  as  the 
prime  agent  in  all  their  complicated  scenes  of  wicked- 
nes3j  and  would  fain  persuade  us  that,  so  far  from  being 
the  objects  of  our  just  aversion,  they  deserve  all  our  com- 
miseration and  pity.  From  such  representations  one 
would  be  tempted  to  think,  that  if  malicious  and  busy 
devils  did  but  stay  in  their  own  country,  mankind  would 
be  as  harmless  as  lambs,  and  every  species  of  wickedness 
be  soon  banished  from  our  then  agreeable  world. 

Others  there  be,  who  fall  into  the  opposite  extreme, 
and  with  all  their  power,  endeavour  to  clear  the  devil  of 
the  slanders  thrown  upon  him.  Whether  he  hath  retain- 
ed them  as  his  advocates,  I  pretend  not  to  say  :  But  they 
tell  you  that  he  has  no  hand  in  all  the  wickedness  com- 
mitted under  the  sun;  that  it  is  impossible  he  should  have 
any  influence  on  the  minds  and  manners  of  men.  Nay, 
some  go  farther  still,  even  doubt  of  his  very  existence, 
and  are  confident  that  ail  their  wickedness  ariseth  from 
another  quarter. 


IV  INTRODUCTION. 

Mj  mind,  I  must  confess,  was  long  agitated  between 
these  widely  different  opinions:  Now  1  verged  towards 
the  one,  now  towards  the  other  extreme;  and  for  a  long 
time  continued  in  such  painful  suspense,  that  I  would 
have  given  a  world  to  have  been  satisfied  in  a  matter  of 
such  vast  importance  in  human  life.  But  at  length  I  ob- 
tained a  full  and  most  convincing  discovery  of  this  very 
intricate  affair,  and  let  who  will  deny  it,  I  am  perfectly 
satisfied  that,  however  justly  the  guilt  of  men  may  be 
charged  on  their  own  corruptions,  infernal  spirits  do  exist; 
and  are  fully  employed  in  forwarding  their  wicked  de- 
signs and  purposes.  Yea,  I  have  learned  so  much  of  the 
art  and  address  of  diabolical  spirits  in  this  matter,  that  as 
I  shall,  I  trust,  avail  myself  much  of  the  very  singular  dis- 
covery, so,  from  a  principle  of  benevolence  to  mankind, 
I  think  myself  fully  justified,  without  further  apology,  in 
communicating  it  to  the  public. 

Know  then,  that  not  far  from  my  humble  cot,  there  is 
a  widely  extended,  most  tremendous,  and  gloomy  Vale, 
first  formed,  as  is  supposed,  by  some  dreadful  earthquake, 
or  some  other  remarkable  convulsion  in  nature.  Tlie 
confines  of  this  valley,  on  the  outside,  are  every  where 
nearly  level  with  the  surface  of  the  ground;  but  the  pre- 
cipice within,  is  to  the  last  degree  horrible,  insomuch 
that  few  have  had  fortitude  enough  to  approach  it.  The 
ancient  bards  very  justly  called  it  Horrida  Vallis,  and 
we,  from  them,  the  Vale  of  Horrors.  This  horrid  vale  has 
long  been  supposed,  by  the  credulous  vulgar,  to  be  the 
haunt  of  infernal  spirits;  and  some  people  imagine  that  it 
is  the  only  place  on  earth  where  they  freely  converse  a- 
bout  the  dark  designs  of  their  mal-ad  ministration. 

My  curiosity  continually  prompting  me,  at  last  con- 
quered my  native  timidity,  and  I  resolved,  if  possible,  to 
find  an  entrance  into  this  unfrequented,  unknown,  and 
dreadful  place. 


INTRODUCTION.  ^         V 

But  many  months,  I  may  say  some  years,  were  spent 
in  this  fruitless  search,  and  I  despaired  of  success.  At 
length,  however,  having  entered  a  very  large  and  unfre- 
quented wood,  one  side  of  which  led  to  the  very  edge  of 
the  precipice,  as  I  walked  a  few  furlongs  down  a  gradual 
descent,  gloomy  beyond  whatever  I  had  seen  before,  I 
came  to  a  huge  rock,  all  overgrown  with  ivy  and  moss. — 
It  had  the  appearance  of  an  ancient  ruin,  somewhat  in  the 
form  of  a  pyramid;  the  bottom  occupied  a  considerable 
space,  and  the  spiral  top  was  hardly  concealed  by  the 
highest  branches  of  the  tall  and  aged  oaks  which  surroun- 
ded it.  Near  the  ground,  by  chance,  I  discovered  an  o- 
pening,  almost  choked  up  with  baleful  hemlock  and 
nightshade.  At  first  I  thought  that  this  could  be  no  other 
than  the  cave  of  some  ancient  Druid;  but  approaching  it, 
and  having,  with  much  toil,  cleared  away  the  noxious 
weeds,  I  found  what  1  had  long  sought  for,  an  entrance 
into  the  dreadful  cavity. 

Here  my  resolution  almost  failed  me,  and  I  was  at  the 
point  of  relinquishing  the  long  projected  enterprise.  At 
length  I  recollected  myself  a  little,  and  resolved  to  de- 
scend into  the  place,  though,  as  I  thought,  not  much  less 
horrible  than  hell.  The  passage,  a  little  within  the  en- 
trance, led  downwards  almost  in  a  perpendicular  direc- 
tion; but  its  straightness,  and  the  natural  unevenness  of  the 
rocks  that  formed  it,  rendered  my  descent  more  practica- 
ble and  safe  than  I  at  first  expected.  Down,  however,  I 
went,  fathoms,  I  know  not  how  many,  ere  I  found  myself 
at  the  bottom,  and  from  an  easy  opening,  entered  the 
Gloomy  Vale. 

Looking  up,  I  saw  rocks  upon  rocks  projecting  over 
my  timorous  head;  and  I  perceived  myself  to  be  within  the 
most  hideous  enclosure  that  sure  ever  mortal  eyes  beheld. 

The  vale  being  solitary  and  gloomy  as  death  itself,  I 
said  in  my  heart,  Surely  if  damned  spirits  are  permitted 
1* 


VI  INTRODUCTION. 

to  visit  the  earth,  this  must  be  their  rendezvous,  and  two 
to  one  I  shall  see  some  of  them.  I  therefore  observed 
carefully  my  retreat,  and  bj  several  marks  on  the  rocks 
which  formed  it,  I  hoped  that,  on  any  emergency,  I 
might  be  directed  to  the  entrance  of  the  cave,  bj  which 
alone  I  could  return  to  the  society  of  mortals. 

I  soon  found  that  my  precautions  were  far  from  being 
unnecessary;  for  I  saw,  by  the  feeble  light,  which  glim- 
mered in  the  place,  a  form  most  frightful,  making  directly 
towards  me.  My  heart  bounded  in  my  breast  with  ter- 
ror; and  swift  as  a  hare,  pressed  by  sanguine  hounds,  I 
ran  to  my  little  sanctuary.  No  sooner  had  I  entered  it, 
but  the  fiend  stalked  up  to  the  very  door  of  it.  The  hair 
of  my  head  stood  upright,  the  blood  ran  down  my  back  aa 
cold  as  Greenland  ice,  and  I  looked  on  myself  as  a  dead 
»^an;  having  often  heard  of  miserable  wretches  being  torn 
in  pieces  by  the  talons  of  merciless  infernals.  But,  as  the 
hideous  form  attempted  not  to  penetrate  into  the  cave,  ncr 
seemed  at  all  conscious  of  my  being  there,  I  recovered  my- 
self a  little,  and  reviewed  it  with  less  apprehension  of 
danger.  At  length  he  espied  another  of  his  clan,  to  whom 
he  called,  and  with  whom  he  held  the  following  dialogue, 
which  made  such  an  impression  on  my  mind,  that  I  after- 
wards recollected  the  most  part  of  it;  and  here  present  it 
to  the  worthy  reader.  The  name  of  this  devil,  as  I  af- 
terwards understood,  was  AvARo,and  that  of  the  other 
F  A  ST  0  sua. 


DIALOGUES  or  DEVILS^ 


DIALOGUE  I. 

FASTOSUS  AND  AVARO. 

AvARo.  So  ho!  Fastosus,  whither  so  fast  at  this  time 
of  the  morning?  Be  not  in  such  a  liurrj :  but  let  a  kindred 
devil  exchange  a  few  words  with  you.  Pray,  how  do 
you  do,  uncle? 

Fastosus.  Hah!  my  nephew  Avaro!  I  little  thought 
of  finding  you  in  the  vale  at  present.  But  I  am  glad  to 
see  you.     Pray,  how  do  you  do? 

Avaro.  I  thank  you.  sir,  I  am  pretty  well,  only  tired 
with  much  exercise.  But  pray  where  were  you  going  in 
such  a  hurry?  When  I  called  to  you,  you  seemed  to  out- 
fly  the  wind ! 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  should  not  be  willing  to 
discover  my  concerns  to  every  inquirer;  but  I  condescend 
to  make  free  with  you,  on  account  of  our  near  kindred: 
and  knowing  you  to  be  a  true  son  of  Beelzebub,  I  can  trust 
you  with  any  secret.  As  for  my  present  hurry,  the  occa- 
sion of  it  is  this.  The  right  honourable  Madame  de  la  Co- 
quette having  an  inclination  to  a  suit,  of  some  fashion  never 
before  invented,  was  thrown  into  a  violent  fever,  through 
the  dulness  of  the  mantua-makers,  who  could  devise  no 
cut  suitable  to  her  ladyship's  desire.  Finding  her  life  to 
be  in  danger,  unless  she  was  gratified,  I  was  last  night 
despatched  to  hell,  to  procure  a  new  pattern  from  the  best 
artists  there;  and  having  got  it,  I  was  going  post  to  France, 
to  assist  my  lady's  mantua-maker  in  cutting  and  finishing 
it:  Which  done,  I  suppose  I  shall  have  a  trip  to  London, 


8  DIALOGUES 

to  accommodate  the  countess  of  Prudeland  with  a  8uit 
against  the  next  court  day. 

AvARo.  AVhat!  the  courtly  Fastosus  become  mantua- 
makerl  I  should  never  have  thought  of  such  an  employ- 
ment, for  my  part.  You  have  now  descended  low  indeed, 
uncle! 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  your  ignorance  almost  pro- 
vokes me  to  be  angry  with  you.  But  you  need  not  be  so 
much  surprised  at  my  concerns  with  the  mantua-makers; 
for  I  assure  you  I  am  so  much  admired  for  my  skill  in 
dress,  by  both  sexes  of  the  human  race,  that  there  is 
scarcely  a  suit  of  clothes  made,  either  for  man  or  woman, 
without  my  direction.  Nor  shall  you  find  a  peruke-maker 
hardy  enough  to  venture  a  wig  on  the  block,  ere  he  has 
had  my  opinion  of  it.  In  short,  cousin,  there  is  very  little 
done,  and  in  dress  there  is  nothing  done,  in  high  life  or 
low,  but  I  have  a  hand  in  it. 

AvARo.  If  I  have  offended  my  honoured  uncle,  I  hum- 
bly beg  your  pardon.  I  assure  you,  I  said  nothing  out  of 
disrespect  to  j'ou.  We  all  know  that  your  spirit  is  prince- 
ly, your  monarchy  great,  and  your  dominion  very  exten- 
sive. But  indeed  I  never  thought  of  your  being  conversant 
with  tailors,  barbers,  and  mantua-niakers. 

Fastosus.  Nay,  nephew,  I  am  not  angry.  Neverthe- 
less, you  ought  to  revere  me  as  your  elder  and  better,  and 
not  take  upon  you  to  call  in  question  the  truth  of  what  [ 
say.  As  for  the  barbers,  they  are  a  set  of  transformists 
established  wholly  by  my  dexterity;  and  but  for  my  sov- 
ereignty over  man,  these  transformations  had  never  been 
introduced.  Now  the  transforming  trade  goes  on  so  suc- 
cessfully, that  there  is  reason  to  hope  very  many  will  t>e 
at  last  transformed  into  the  likeness  and  nature  of  our 
sable  fraternity. 

AvARo.  Pray,  uncle,  be  not  angry  with  me,  if  I  do  not 
spe.ik  altogether  as  you  would  have  me,*  for  you  know  I 
never  had  any  inclination  to  learning  or  politeness;  and  I 
cannot  help  expressing  my  wonder  at  ^ome  things  you  say. 
Besides,  I  am  amazed  to  see  you  look  so  thin;  why  you 
look  like  a  skeleton!  What  have  you  been  doing,  or 
where  have  you  been.^  By  your  looks,  you  might  have 
travelled  barefooted  to  the  holy  land,  or  crept  on  your 
hands  and  feet  to  Medina,  and  wept  forty  days  by  the 
tomb  of  our  dear  friend  Mahomet.  You  have  not  been  on 
pilgrimage,  sure! 


OF  DEVILS.  9 

Fastosus.  I  thought,  from  what  1  had  said,  you  iDight 
have  known  that  I  have  not  been  on  pilgrimage  very  lately: 
Though,  I  assure  you,  I  have  often  travelled  to  Jerusalem 
and  to  Mecca  as  a  guide  to  those  holy  pilgrims.  There 
is  not  one  of  all  the  bare-legged  travellers,  who  will  stir 
their  foot  from  home,  uiitil  their  good  friend  Fastosus  is 
equipped  in  palmerian  habiliments,  to  press  forward  in 
■ihe  van  as  their  protector.  Nor  are  these  pilgrims  my 
only  vassals;  for  the  superstitious,  of  all  denominations, 
have  with  one  consent  devoted  themselves  to  me. 

AvARo.  Well,  but,  uncle,  I  am  sure  they  worship  me 
with  sincere  regard,  as  well  as  they  do  you;  and  I  either 
attend  them  in  person,  or  pour  my  influences  upon  every 
one  of  them,  in  all  their  religious  journeys  to  Jerusalem, 
Mecca,  or  elsewhere. 

Fastosus.  It  may  be  so,  Avaro;  but  their  prostitution 
to  covetousness  hinders  not  their  devotion  to  pride;  for  I 
have  conducted  many  of  this  fraternity  to  the  supposed 
sepulchre  of  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  who,  in  their  own  opinion, 
were  made  so  holy  thereby,  that  w4ien  they  returned  to 
their  native  country,  they  thought  the  earth  itself  unwor- 
thy to  bear  the  pressure  of  a  foot,  which  had  trod  the 
threshold  of  the  adored  sepulchre.  These  religious  ad- 
ventures (especially  if  they  obtain  some  precious  relics, 
of  which  there  are  great  store  in  Palestine)  generally  lift 
them  so  far  above  their  fellow-creatures,  that  thencefor- 
ward they  can  hold  no  intercourse  with  the  common  peo- 
ple, lest  their  supposed  spotless  garments  should  be  pol- 
luted with  worldly  filthiness.  Nor  is  it  uncommon  for 
these  fantastical  devotees  to  imagine,  that  by  their  jour- 
neys to  Judea  they  have  gained  considerably  above  the 
price  of  heaven.  So  that  when  they  come  to  die,  they 
nave  holiness  sufficient  for  themselves,  and  a  handsome 
legacy  to  bequeath,  as  a  help-out  to  some  poor  brother, 
who  loves  home  better  than  the  holy  land. 

Avaro.  Aye,  Fastosus,  but  then  you  may  thank  my  bro- 
ther Falax  and  me  for  your  Jerusalem  journeys:  None  of 
them  would  have  been  instituted  but  through  falsehood, 
deceit,  and  covetousness.  And  I  really  think  that  we  did 
excellent  service  to  the  great  Beelzebub  and  the  sublime 
port  of  hell,  in  imposing  that  cheat  upon  mankind. 
Though,  by  the  way,  one  would  wonder  that  the  reason- 
able mind  should  be  so  easily  deceived,  seeing;  there  ia 


10  DIALOGUES 


nothing  in  any  of  these  pilgrimages,  that  has  so  much  as 
the  appearance  of  religion. 

Often  have  I  laughed  in  my  sleeve  to  see  the  poor  pil- 
grims with  holy  awe  and  profound  reverence,  approach  a 
log  of  rotten  wood,  fully  believing  it  to  be  part  of  the  cross 
on  which  Immanuel  was  crucified.  Oh!  how  have  I  seen 
them  congratulate  themselves  on  their  supposed  happi- 
ness, if  by  any  means  they  had  procured  a  diminutive 
chip  of  an  old  gate  post,  from  the  hand  of  a  venerable 
priest,  with  his  holy  word  upon  it,  that  it  was  part  of  the 
cross!  And,  to  speak  the  truth,  which  you  know  I  am  not 
very  fond  of,  these  reverend  gentlemen  have  words  and 
wood  equally  plenty;  for  when  one  log  is  sold  off,  they 
immediately  replace  it  with  another;  so  that  this  market 
will  not  stop  for  want  of  merchandise  whilst  there  is  a 
tree  left  in  the  forest  of  Lebanon.  I  would  not,  on  any 
account,  that  the  world  should  know  that  the  traffic  in 
relics  is  all  a  cheat,  by  the  help  whereof  my  dear  children, 
the  Jerusalem  priests,  get  more  money  for  chips  of  rotten 
wood,  than  the  greatest  merchant  in  Norway  gets  for  his 
masts,  and  yards,  &c. 

Fastqsus.  By  what  you  say,  and  I  own  it  to  be  right, 
cousin,  you  and  I  must  share  the  persons  and  divide  the 
gpoil  betwixt  us,  on  the  day  of  reckoning.  You  and  cou- 
sin Falax  have  laid  the  snare  very  craftily,  and  I,  by  my 
haughty  influences,  drive  the  fools  to  it.  Good  Avaro, 
your  game  would  not  go  well  without  my  assistance;  and 
while  you  and  I  continue  to  play  into  each  other's  hand, 
we  can  readily  bring  the  two  fools  to  meet,  each  deceiv- 
ing and  being  deceived.  I  mean,  we  can  bring  the  covet- 
ous fool  and  the  credulous  fool  together.  The  credulous 
deceives  the  covetous  fool  with  his  money,  and  the  covet- 
ous deceives  the  credulous  fool  with  his  rotten  wood. 
Dear  Avaro  our  work  goes  forward  apace,  and  we  shall 
have  them  both  at  last. 

Avaro.  No  doubt  of  it,  Fastosus;  for  both  the  covetous 
and  over-credulous  are  ours,  by  common  consent.  Our 
game  could  not  well  go  better  than  it  doth  at  present;  for 
all  ranks  and  degrees  of  people  are  subjected  to  our  po- 
tent sway.  No  doubt  but  you  have  heard  of  that  noble 
piece  of  architecture  called  the  Triple-Crown,  which  I 
and  my  brother  Falax  made  for  our  worthy  friend  and 
iteadfast  ally  the  pope  of  Rome. 


OF  DEVILS.  11 

Fastosus.  Heard  of  it!  Surely  I  have.  Was  not  I  the 
principal  person  concerned  in  the  work?  But,  Avaro,  you 
nave  an  ugly  way  of  denying  people  the  due  honours  of 
their  labour.  But  for  me,  his  Holiness  would  never  have 
thought  of  such  an  invention.  And  as  I  had  the  prin- 
cipal hand  in  it,  I  aver,  that  the  best  mathematician  in  hell 
could  not  have  invented  a  more  excellent  piece.  I  have 
tiiought,  ever  since,  that  the  artful  Falax  acted  his  part 
with  as  much  dexterity,  in  the  formation  of  that  capital 
ornament,  as  when  he  and  we  assisted  our  venerable 
friend,  Mahomet,  in  composing  the  Alcoran.  But  the 
chief  beauty  of  it  was,  to  see  our  hoary  friend,  the  pope, 
with  greater  confidence  than  if  he  had  been  one  of  our- 
selves, exalt  the  papal  chair  above  all  that  is  called  God. 
So  that  now,  in  the  sense  of  the  Romish  impostor,  saving 
and  damning  depend  no  longer  on  the  justice  and  mercy 
of  the  Eternal,  but  upon  the  will  and  pleasure  of  him  who 
fills  the  infallible  chair. 

Were  we  any  thing  but  Devils,  whose  hatred  to  Truth 
is  implacable,  it  would  have  grieved  us  to  see  how  she 
sighed  and  sobbed,  as  if  her  heart  would  break,  when  the 
impostors  assumed  the  character  of  infallibility.     She 
knocked  with  violence  at  the  gates  of  the  bishop's  palace: 
but  there  was  no  admission  for  her  there.     She  begged 
and  prayed  that  the  inferior  ranks  of  the  reverend  clergy 
would  receive  her:  but  no  one  of  them  would  suffer  her 
to  come  under  their  roof;  so  that  the  poor  heaven-born 
lady  swooned  in  the  streets,  and  there  was  none  to  assist 
her.     Her  eyes  became  as  fountains  of  briny  tears,  trick- 
ling down  her  radiant  cheeks,*  her  locks  were  dishevelled, 
and  her  apparel  hung  dangling  around  her.  In  this  mourn- 
ful plight  she  went  through  all  the  streets  of  the  mystic 
Babylon,  uttering  her  lamentations  in  every  public  place, 
and  in  every  concourse  of  the  people.     But,  as  in  former 
times,  she  had  piped  to  them,  and  none  of  the  worshipperi 
of  the  Beast  would  dance;  so  now  she  mourned  to  them, 
but  none  of  them  would  lament.     She  stretched  forth  her 
hands  all  the  day  long,  but  none  of  them  would  attend  to 
her;  the  venerable  pope,  father  of  the  world,  having  pub- 
lished a  decree  that  none  of  them  should  suffer  her  under 
their  roof,  nor  administer  the  least  comfort  to  her  in  her 
calamity,  under  pain  of  the  Rack,  the  Gibbet,  the  Wheel, 
or  Fire  and  Fagot     Yea  more;  when  his  Holiness  saw 
the  importunity  of  Divine  Truth,  and  perceived  that  she 


12  DIALOGUES 

would  be  a  perpetual  thorn  in  his  side,  if  not  timely  and 
wisely  prevented,  by  forcing  her  out  of  the  world,  he  clad 
himself  in  Vulcanian  armour,  and  sought  for  her  in  every 
corner  of  Babylon;  when  he  met  with  her,  launched  his 
fatal  spear  with  papal  force  against  her,  that  wounding 
her  so  deeply,  she  fainted  and  fell  to  the  ground,  and  no 
doubt  had  died  if  she  had  not  been  immortal.  When  the 
most  holy  bishop  had  thus  deprest  her,  he  cried  out  in 
devilish  triumph.  '•  1  am  the  successor  of  Peter,  the  vicar 
of  Christ,  the  pillar  of  truth,  the  porter  of  heaven,  and  the 
supreme  head  of  ihe  church.'^  At  which  words,  Truth 
entirely  disappeared,  and  to  this  day  has  not  been  suf- 
fered to  set  one  foot  within  the  limits  of  the  papacy. 

AvARO.  It  was  a  noble  enterprise,*  nothing  could  exceed 
it  I  am  persuaded,  that  the  man  who  was  in-dwelt  by 
our  brother  Legion,  and  resided  among  the  tombs,  was  ne- 
ver capable  of  coming  so  near  to  us  devils  in  cruelty,  de- 
ceit, and  falsehood,  as  that  same  venerable  man,  his  infal- 
lible holiness,  hath  upon  every  occasion. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  Legion,  though  a  many- 
viced  devil,  is  but  a  fool,  when  compared  to  his  holiness; 
but  it  is  highly  necessary  that  he  should  be  well  qualified 
in  devilism,  seeing  he  is  appointed  Beelzebub's  great  vice- 
gerent in  the  Christian  world. 

Avaro.  Great  are  the  abilities  requisite  to  such  a  sta- 
tion; and  his  holiness  po«sesseth  them  liberally.  Did  you 
ever  hear,  Fastosus,  the  manner  in  which  our  Italian  suc- 
cess was  received  by  Beelzebub  the  great,  and  his  infernal 
nobility? 

Fastosus.  I  suppose  I  have;  but  I  have  so  many  things 
to  think  of  that  at  present  it  has  escaped  my  memory^ 
therefore,  if  you  remember  it,  I  shall  be  obliged  to  you 
for  the  recital. 

AvARo.  With  all'my  heart.  I  assure  you  it  is  well 
worth  your  hearing,  for  thereby  it  appeared  that  his  infer- 
nal majesty  liad  the  deepest  sense  of  our  services,  and 
conceived  the  strongest  hope  of  the  increase  of  his  king- 
dom from  the  alliance  formed  betwixt  the  sublime  port  of 
hell,  and  the  apostolic  chair  at  Rome. 

As  soon  as  swift- winged  Fame  arrived  at  the  gate, 
known  by  the  name  of  earth-gate,  she  knocked  violently, 
as  you  know  is  customary  with  her  upon  any  emergent  oc- 
casion. Gur  friend  Cerberus,  the  porter,  no  sooner  saw 
that  it  was  Fame,  but  he  immediately  sent  a  messenger  to 


OF  DEVILS.  13 

court,  to  inform  his  majesty  and  peers  that  the  ambassa- 
dress Fame  was  arrived.  In  shorter  time  than  a  lawyer 
could  frame  a  lie,  hell  was  all  in  an  uproar,  every  inhab- 
itant being  big  with  expectation  of  some  important  news 
from  our  friends  on  earth.  Fifty  of  the  nobility  were  des- 
patched from  court,  to  congratulate  Fame  on  her  arrival, 
and  to  conduct  her  in  state  to  the  court-end  of  the  city. 
The  miglity  Beelzebub  ascended  the  flaming  throne,  to 
receive  the  ambassadress  with  imperial  grandeur^  and  as 
soon  as  slie  arrived,  she  was  introduced  to  his  sublime 
presence,  by  Lucifer,  prime  minister  of  state,  and  in  full 
court  related  all  that  had  passed  concerning  the  change 
at  Rome  in  the  system  of  religion:  which  desirable  news 
was  received  with  all  the  demonstrations  of  joy  damned 
spirits  are  capable  of.  Fame  having  finished  her  relation, 
the  mighty  prince,  who  sat  on  the  stupendous  throne,  ar- 
rayed in  all  the  majesty  becoming  his  elevated  station, 
lifted  his  warlike  arm,  w'aved  the  imperial  sceptre  for  au- 
dience, and  thus  addressed  his  courtiers,  his  eyes  blazing 
as  burning  furnaces  while  he  spake: 

'•  My  lords,  my  brethren  in  sovereignty,  and  sharers  of 
ray  glory,  from  the  just  sense  I  have  of  your  steady  at- 
tachment to  my  interest  and  government,  as  hath  always 
appeared  from  your  unwearied  study,  as  far  as  possible, 
to  destroy  the  creatures  of  our  arch-enemy,  whom,  con- 
strained, we  call  the  Almighty,  and  prom.oting  to  the  ut- 
most our  common  interest  among  mankind.:  from  such 
considerations,  I  cannot  forbear  congratulating  your  high- 
nesses on  the  happy  turn  our  affairs  on  the  earth  have  ta- 
ken, by  the  indefatigable  pains  and  vigilant  endeavours  of 
our  worthy  friends  and  genuine  descendants,  Fastosus, 
Avaro,  Falax,  &c.  &c.  as  appears  by  the  report  you  have 
just  now  heard  from  the  mouth  of  our  swift- winged  am- 
bassadress. Fame.  By  the  industry  of  those  worthy  spi- 
rits, worms  of  the  earth  are  wrought  up  to  such  a  degree 
of  pride  and  self-conceit,  as  to  undertake  enterprises  that 
we,  who  are  of  angelic  race,  could  not  accomplish^  yea, 
even  to  assume  prerogatives  which  never  once  came  into 
our  minds.  My  noble  lords,  there  is  reason  to  believe 
that  this  revolution  will  prove  a  leading  step  towards  a 
very  plentiful  harvest.  I  signify  therefore  as  my  will  and 
pleasure,  that  your  highnesses  take  special  care  that  the 
lodgings  at  the  court-end  of  the  city  are  kept  in  due  re- 
pair, as  henceforth  we  may  expect  at  every  term  numer- 
2 


14  DIALOGUES 

ous  shoals  of  popish  priests,  of  all  ranks,  to  take  up  their 
residence  with  us;  and  you  may  be  sure  they  will  take  it 
very  ill  if  they  are  not  accommodated  according  to  their 
quality. 

''  I  think,  my  lords,  it  is  worthy  of  observation,  that 
all  the  missionaries  we  ever  despatched  among  the  hea- 
thens, could  not  prevail  with  poor  pagan  priests  to  aspire 
to  that  degree  of  impiety  which  the  pope  hath  now  as- 
sumed. I  hope,  my  lords,  that  truth  and  holiness  are  in 
a  fair  way  of  being  banished  from  the  face  of  the  earth; 
for  I  am  persuaded  that  this  universal  father,  his  cardi- 
nals, legates,  and  bishops,  will  exert  all  their  influence  to 
promote  our  interest  in  the  suppression  of  our  enemies." 
Having  said  this,  a  flaming  billow  rolled  over  the  imperial 
seat,  and  so  stunned  the  good  old  prince,  that  he  could 
speak  no  more  for  a  season. 

Fastosus.  All  those  things  I  well  remember,  now  you 
have  mentioned  them.  But  I  want  to  know  what  you 
have  got  in  that  leather  bag.  You  are  not  become  nailer, 
sure? 

AvARO.  This  bag,  sir,  contains  a  thousand  pounds, 
which  a  certain  attorney,  a  dear  child  of  mine,  wants  to 
have  deposited  in  some  place  of  security,  as  he  has  not  at 
present  an  opportanity  of  putting  it  out  to  generate,  an 
increasing  faculty  with  which  all  his  other  cash  is  endued. 
This  same  gentleman  is  a  person  of  great  worth,  ready  to 
assist  the  rich  and  great,  provided  always  that  his  good 
deeds  are  handsomely  rewarded.  But  so  cautious  and 
prudent  is  he,  that  he  utterly  abhors  parting  with  even  so 
small  a  pittance  as  a  guinea,  to  relieve  a  poor  distressed 
tradesman;  and  indeed  for  this  very  sufficient  reason,  that 
he  cannot,  in  such  a  case,  obtain  land  security  for  his 
money;  so  that  if  the  poor  man  is  ever  so  honest  and  in- 
dustrious, he  must  even  reconcile  his  thoughts  to  a  dun- 
geon, or  seek  relief  from  another  quarter;  for  our  worthy 
lawyer  would  part  with  no  money  to  deliver  him  frora  it. 
His  present  fear  is,  lest  any  of  his  poor  neighbours,  know- 
ing that  he  has  plenty  of  money  by  him,  should,  by  their 
pressing  solicitations,  over-persuade  him  to  part  with  a 
little  to  help  them  in  their  distresses;  for  he,  like  many 
other  honest  men,  is  determined  to  keep  what  he  has  got, 
if  one  half  of  the  parish  should  die  for  want  of  bread. 

Fastosus.  By  your  description  of  the  worthy  lawyer 
I  may  expect  his  children  as  my  pupils  after  his  decease, 


OF  DEVILS.  15 

I  warrant  me,  Avaro,  before  their  father  is  half  consumed 
by  the  worms,  I  shall  have  them  bowing  and  cringing  to 
me  as  their  god.  I  have  remarked^,  for  some  thousands 
of  years,  that  when  the  parents  have  worshipped  the  god 
Avaro,  bj  giving  themselves  up  to  covetousness,  for  the 
most  part,  after  their  decease,  the  children  have  made 
choice  of  me  and  our  cousin  Profanity  for  their  patrons. 
Surely,  if  covetous  parents  knew  what  courses  children 
would  follow  when  their  heads  are  laid  low  in  the  grave, 
and  their  souls  still  lower  in  hell,  they  would  quarrel  with 
their  god  Avaro,  or  die  with  grief  on  the  prospect. 

Avaro.  Aye,  uncle;  but  there  is  not  one  of  all  my  nu- 
merous disciples  who  knows  me  by  my  proper  name;  and 
I  am  by  far  too  subtle  for  them  to  find  out  the  cheat.  My 
English  vassals,  for  instance,  commonly  worship  me  un- 
der the  false  names  of  industry  or  frugality,  prudence  or 
laudable  care;  but  there  is  not  one  of  them  v\ho  can  be 
prevailed  with  to  believe  himself  a  worshipper  of  the 
devil  Avaro,  which  is,  you  know,  my  true  and  proper 
name. 

Fastosus.  Nothing  equals  our  success;  for  you  damn 
the  parents  by  covetousness,  and  we  damn  the  children 
by  pride  and  profanity.  Good  Avaro,  we  have  them  hip 
and  thigh;  it  is  but  a  few  of  all  the  mundane  race  that  we 
lose;  and  those  also  we  should  have,  if  they  were  not  for- 
cibly taken  from  us.  But  this  is  one  comfort,  that  if  we 
must  have  the  mortification  of  seeing  any  of  the  human 
race  get  safe  to  heaven,  we  have  also  the  pleasure  of  dis- 
turbing and  distracting  their  minds  on  the  journey;  and 
many  of  them  we  bring  to  the  stake  or  gibbet,  under  the 
direction  of  our  good  friend  Crudelis,  who  presides  over 
these  hells  upon  earth,  known  by  the  name  of  the  holy  in- 
quisitions. 

Avaro.  Hells,  did  you  say?  Right,  hells  indeed!  One 
holy  inquisitor  goes  beyond  an  hundred  of  our  fraternity 
in  the  art  of  cruelty,  which  you  know  is  the  first  of  the 
learned  sciences  at  Rome.  Such  wonderful  inventions  of 
torturing:,  one  would  have  thought,  could  never  have  been 
contrived.  What  ingenuity  does  the  rack  display!  How 
excellently  formed  for  exquisite  torture  I  What  an  apt  re- 
semblance of  the  infernal  furnace  is  the  dry-pan!  A  con- 
trivance worthy  the  most  skilful  among  the  Beelzebubian 
artists.  But  their  watery  torment,  the  gag  and  pitcher,  is 
what  raises  them  most  in  my  esteem.  Almost  every  block- 


16  DIALOGUES 

head  hath  some  notion  of  a  hell  of  fire:  but  it  is  peculiar 
to  the  AilW  of  an  holj  inquisitor  to  contrive  a  hell  of  wa- 
ter. In  this,  Fastosus,  we  must  all  knock  under  to  them, 
for  indeed  thej  are  our  betters.  And,  to  enhance  their 
merit,  their  torments  are  inflicted  upon  the  unhappy- 
wretches,  who  fall  into  their  hands,  under  a  show  of  the 
greatest  sanctity  towards  God,  and  pity  to  the  unhappy 
victim  of  their  crueltj-.  And  so  very  strictly  do  they  and 
their  assisting  familiars  observe  the  rules  of  inviolable 
secrecy,  that  the  world  can  never  know  the  hundredtli 
part  of  their  villany. 

Fastosus.  Secrecy  is  indispensably  necessary  to  a  peo- 
ple so  much  devoted  to  our  interest  as  the  worthy  inquisi- 
tors and  the  rest  of  the  Romish  clergy  are.  Were  it 
known  to  the  world  what  methods  they  take  to  aggran- 
dize themselves,  and  support  the  papal  hierarchy,  the 
cheat  would  be  discovered,  the  fabric  would  fall  to  the 
ground,  the  craft  by  which  they  have  their  wealth  would 
soon  be  at  an  end,  and  their  reverences  be  brought  into 
contempt. 

Certainly  the  great  Beelzebub  will  deal  gratefully  with 
the  holy  father  at  Rome,  and  his  cardinals,  inquisitors  and 
bishops,  when  they  arrive  in  hell.  For  my  own  part,  I 
steadfastly  believe  that  if  our  good  friends  the  popes  and 
inquisitors  are  not  served  below  their  quality,  they  will 
be  put  in  possession  of  the  seats  on  the  right  hand  of  his 
majesty's  throne,  as  our  friend  Mahomet  and  his  mufties 
were  in  those  on  the  left.  And  when  their  extraordinary 
merit  is  considered,  our  infernal  nobility  will  have  no 
J  eason  to  grumble  at  their  advancement;  for  nothing  less 
can  be  deemed  adequate  to  their  uncommon  merit  and 
usefulness  in  confirming  our  dominion  over  mankind. 
And  so  fervently  have  they  our  interest  at  heart,  that  it 
would  be  very  extraordinaiy  indeed  if  any  of  them  should 
be  lost,  and  fall  short  of  our  dreary  abode. 

AvARo.  The  basest  ingratitude  to  use  them  otherwise, 
Fastosus.  For  my  own  part,  I  shall  always  give  place  to 
a  pope  or  inquisitur,  and  I  think  it  is  the  duty  of  all  our 
sable  fraternity  so  to  do;  for  when  their  inferior  species  is 
considered,  it  will  appear  that  they  not  only  vie  with, 
but  even  exceed  the  most  dexterous  among  us  in  many 
things. 

Fastosus.  I  am  thinking,  Avaro,  of  the  easy  station 
you  have  got,  in  comparison  of  mine.    You  are  concerned 


OF  DEVILS.  17 

but  with  a  few,  I  am  concerned  with  every  one.  You 
chiefly  serve  the  higher  ranks  of  people,  but  I  am  hack- 
neyed night  and  day  by  all  sorts  of  men,  from  his  holiness 
the  pope  to  the  hermit  in  his  cell,  from  the  queen  on  the 
throne  to  Bridget  the  farmer's  maid .  But  was  it  not  that 
I  find  my  account  in  it,  and  by  that  means  am  adored  as 
a  divinity,  my  princely  mind  would  never  submit  to  such 
constant  drudgery. 

AvARo.  Good  Fastosus,  I  speak  it  with  reverence,  but 
you  are  exceedingly  mistaken  in  my  business.  I  assure 
you  it  increaseth  every  day  upon  my  hands,  and  requires 
very  constant  application:  insomuch,  that  for  these  twelve 
years  I  have  not  had  time  to  close  my  eyes  for  one  re- 
freshing nap.  Ah,  uncle!  I  am  concerned  with,  and  for 
many;  and  with  none  more  than  with  the  sons  of  the 
mystic  whore.  This  old  bawd,  with  the  scarlet  gown, 
hath  many  children,  who  swarm  as  locusts  along  the  face 
of  many  European  countries,  and  eat  up  the  good  of  the 
land  before  them.  And  there  is  not  one  amongst  them 
who  knows  how  to  spend  a  day  without  my  company. 
M'hen  I  would  gladly  lay  me  down  for  a  little  rest,  one 
or  other  of  them  conjures  me  up  to  inquire  after  pay  for 
this  funeral  mass,  that  dispensation,  or  the  other  pardon; 
for,  you  may  know,  that  with  them  there  is  nothing  to  be 
done  without  ready  cash,  for  they  never  give  credit. 

Fastosus.  That  old  proverb,  "  Money  answereth  all 
things,"  seems  well  adapted  to  the  tenets  of  jour  disci- 
ples, Avaro. 

AvARO.  Wonderfully  adapted,  sir!  very  wonderfully 
adapted;  for  money  forwards  their  devotion  vastly,  and 
helps  them  strangely  on  in  their  w^ay  to  heaven. '  Dear 
children  of  mine  1  own  them  to  be!  for  notwithstanding 
their  pretended  love  to  devotion,  and  the  souls  of  their  fel- 
low creatures,  if  a  poor  man,  travelling  from  earth  to 
heaven,  should  happen  to  be  arrested  by  any  of  the  offi- 
cers of  purgatory,  (who  make  it  their  business  to  way-lay 
traveller^,)  and  be  turned  over  to  the  tormentor?;  if  such 
a  man  has  not  left  a  sufficient  sum  for  purgatorial  masses, 
and  no  well-disposed  lay  person  is  found  to  supply  the  de- 
ficient assets  of  the  prisoner,  he  may  lie,  if  it  be  possible, 
until  he  is  burned  to  tinder,  ere  any  parson  of  the  convent 
will  put  one  hand  to  help  him  out  of  those  dreary  flames. 
But,  on  the  other  hand,  if  a  sufficient  sum  is  left  for 
masses  to  be  said  to  the  lady  of  Loretto,  St.  Dominick, 
2* 


18  DIALOGUES 

St.  Dennis,  or  any  other  eloquent  saint,  all  the  parsons 
will  apply  as  cheerfully  as  young  dromedaries,  and  put 
their  shoulders  to  the  work,  like  so  many  bulls  in  a  yoke, 
until  they  have  cleared  him  of  his  prison.  You  may  al- 
ways be  sure  that  with  them,  according  to  the  well-known 
proverb,  *'  It  is  money  that  makes  the  mare  to  go." 

Fastosus.  I  pray  you,  Avaro,  where  does  this  same 
purgatory  stand?  I  have  often  heard  of  it,  but  never  could 
meet  with  it,  either  in  this  or  the  other  world,  notwith- 
standing I  have  sought  it  with  care. 

Avaro.  You  have  sought  for  it  in  the  wrong  place,  un- 
cle; you  should  have  ransacked  the  brains  of  the  pope 
and  his  clergy;  for  there,  and  no  where  else,  the  chimera 
is  to  be  found.  It  is  only  a  scheme  to  get  money,  that  I 
contrived  for  them;  and  hitherto  it  has  answered  our 
highest  expectations;  for  by  this  craft  the  parsons  have 
great  emolument. 

Fastosus.  This  I  do  know,  that  nothing  is  more  at- 
tractive of  the  attention  of  their  reverences  than  brilliant 
gold;  for  the  sake  of  which,  systems  the  most  absurd  are 
imposed  upon  mankind,  with  the  sanction  of  priestly 
authority.  Indeed,  it  is  presumed  that  tliese  holy  men 
will  authorize  nothing  but  what  is  lucrative.  O  the  won- 
derful trade  of  priestcraft?  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  begin  to 
think  you  a  devil  of  good  abilities,  and  an  honour  to  the 
race  of  Beelzebub. 

Avaro.  I  am  highly  obliged  to  you  for  your  good  opi- 
nion, sir;  and  assure  you,  that  were  you  acquainted  with 
the  system  of  our  government,  I  should  go  near  to  rivet 
myself  in  your  esteem;  an  honour  which  I  much  desire, 
and  in  order  to  which,  I  shall  relate  a  certain  atfair  which 
wonderfully  displays  the  genius  of  priestcraft,  and  gives 
the  most  just  idea  of  the  doctrine  of  purgatory. 

Fastosus.  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear  it  another  time,  cou- 
sin; but  for  the  present  I  must  be  gone,  to  forward  my 
lady's  robes;  for  the  mantua  maker  dare  not  touch  them 
before  my  arrival  at  Paris.  Exactly  four  hours  hence  X 
shall  give  you  the  meeting;. 

Avaro.  I  shall  think  of  the  appointment,  uncle.  Suc- 
cess to  your  enterprise. 


OF  DEVILS.  19 


DIALOGUE   II. 


FASTOSUS  AND  AVARO. 

Beixg  acquainted  with  the  appointment,  I  chose  to 
wait  for  their  coming;  but  was  so  alarmed  at  what  I  had 
heard  and  seen,  that  I  lurked  close  in  my  retreat,  not  dar- 
ing to  attempt  any  discoveries.  At  the  time  appointed, 
I  perceived  them  walking  up  the  valley;  and  as  they  drew 
near, 

Fastosus  said,  Yes,  Avaro,  I  assure  you  there  was  great 
joy  in  the  court  of  Versailles  on  account  of  my  arrival, 
and  that  both  amongst  the  French  and  English  ladies;  the 
latter  of  whom  are  the  humble  servile  imitators  of  the 
former,  which  tends  so  to  chagrin  some,  and  give  pleasure 
to  others  of  them,  that  by  this  means  contentions  run  very 
high  among  the  French  ladies.  One  part  complains  of 
the  English,  as  no  more  than  the  apes  of  the  French; 
these  are  they  who  Avould  monopolize  all  the  finery  to 
themselves;  therefore  their  censure  of  the  English  ladies 
is  not  to  be  regarded.  The  others  boast  of  their  superi- 
ority, and  are  not  a  little  proud  of  their  dominion  over 
the  fair  Anglicans,  who,  they  suppose,  dare  not  attempt 
to  introduce  so  much  as  the  pattern  of  a  head  dress,  until 
it  hath  had  the  approbation  of  the  French.  But  to  drop 
this  for  the  present,  Avaro,  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear  the 
story  you  mentioned  before  we  parted. 

Avaro.  It  was  this,  sir.  There  was  a  gentleman  in 
Provence,  a  steady  member  of  the  holy  Roman  catholic 
church,  who  died  lately,  and  as  soon  as  dead,  his  pious 
relations  made  his  death  known  to  their  reverences  the 
priests,  in  order  to  procure  their  good  offices  in  behalf  of 
their  departed  friend,  whose  soul,  it  was  upon  no  ill  ground 
feared,  was  hardly  white  enough  for  heaven,  and  would 
therefore  be  obliged  to  call  at  purgatory,  for  an  effectual 
cleansing,  ere  he  could  proceed  further  upon  his  journey. 
The  venerable  priests  no  sooner  heard  of  the  gentleman's 
death,  than  they  prudently  began  to  consult  the  good  of 
the  church,  and  what  means  appeared  to  them  the  most 
likely  to  feather  their  own  nest;  as  this  must  needs  be 
done,  either  by  the  life  or  death  of  the  laity.  This  being 
their  sole  intent,  it  was  unanimously  agreed  to  refer  them- 


20  DIALOGUES 

selves  to  my  direction,  and  an  interview  in  the  apartment 
of  the  principal  was  requested.  Being  at  that  time  in  the 
neighbourhood,  I  immediatelj  granted  their  petition,  and 
presented  myself  among  them  in  the  principal's  chamber, 
a  place  very  familiar  to  me.  The  reverend  old  father  was 
no  sooner  aware  of  my  arrival,  than  he  arose  from  his 
seat,  fell  prostrate  before  me,  to  do  me  humble  greeting, 
withal  expressing  the  most  grateful  sense  of  my  care  and 
condescension,  in  coming  so  soon  to  their  assistance. 

Humble  salutation  past,  the  principal  addressed  me  in 
the  following  learned  manner:  *' Worshipful  Prudence,*' 
for  that  is  the  name  I  am  known  by  among  them,  "  we 
have  an  affair  of  great  importance  to  lay  before  you;  and 
with  the  profoundest  humility  will  we  thank  you  for  your 
advice." 

Fastosus.  Nay,  Avaro,  if  you  talk  any  thing  about  that 
same  humility,  I  will  not  stay  a  moment  longer,  for  I  hate 
the  nature  of  it. 

AvARO.  You  need  not  be  offended,  sir,  for  the  gentle- 
mea  in  question  have  as  little  of  that  as  your  heart  could 
wish  for.  It  is  not  the  nature,  but  the  mere  name  of  hu- 
mility, which  serves  the  purposes  of  priestcraft,  and  which 
he  and  his  brethren  so  much  admired.  And  you  know, 
sir,  that  the  name  without  the  nature  of  humility  is  no- 
thing but  pride  in  disguise. 

Fastosus.  Well,  1  am  glad  they  have  no  more  of  it; 
for  that  Humility  is  a  fellow  whom  I  abhor;  but  1  thank 
my  stars  it  is  very  seldom  that  I  meet  with  him;  however, 
when  he  and  I  do  meet,  we  as  naturally  quarrel  as  the 
elephant  and  the  rhinoceros. 

Avaro.  I  assured  them  of  my  assistance,  and  the  old 
parson  went  on  with  his  story.  '•'  01  thou  priest-govern- 
ing spirit,  said  he,  thou  must  know,  that  about  eleven  of 
the  clock,  last  night,  a  neighbouring  gentleman  went  out 
of  this  into  the  other  world,  leaving  behind  him  an  estate, 
upwards  of  ten  thousand  pounds  per  annum,  devolving  to 
an  only  son,  and  to  this  convent  has  left  no  more  than 
fourscore  crowns,  for  the  salutary  work  of  delivering  his 
poor  soul  from  the  dreadful  flames  of  purgatory.  1  do  not 
Know,  indeed,  but  our  great  lady,  whom  we  serve,  might 
be  satisfied  with  half  the  sum;  but  we,  thy  servants,  are 
not  80  easily  pleased.  It  is  our  pious  desire  to  procure  as 
much  of  the  young  man's  estate  as  by  any  means  we  can, 
for  our  own  private  use,  as  none  of  us  can  tell  what  we 


OF  DEVILS.  21 

may  want  before  we  die.  Besides,  we  do  not  know  but 
so  large  an  estate,  devolving  unincumbered  upon  him, 
may  be  the  means  of  ruining  the  soul  and  body  of  the  in- 
experienced youth.  Now,  we,  as  the  holy  guardians  of 
his  salvation,  think  it  necessary,  for  the  good  of  his  soul, 
to  cut  otFas  much  as  we  can  of  the  fuel  of  his  lusts,  well 
knowing  how  dangerous  riches  are  to  the  laity.  Thus, 
great  patron,  I  have  revealed  the  pious  intent  of  our  vene- 
rable brotherhood;  and,  lovely  spirit,  if  thou  canst  by  thy 
advice  serve  us  in  this  matter,  we  entreat  thee  to  do  it; 
for  our  eyes  are  to  thee,  and  our  hearts  are  open  to  re- 
ceive thy  instructions. 

Fasi  osus.  Who  could  have  thought,  Avaro,  of  any  of 
your  disciples  being  exposed  to  such  exalted  piety?  How- 
ever, it  was  piety  of  the  true  Romish  stamp,  greatly  ad- 
mired by  the  venerable  clergy. 

Avaro.  "Well,  said  [,  most  reverend  father,  let  not 
your  pious  mind  be  afflicted  about  the  young  gentleman's 
soul.  Let  you  and  your  worthy  brethren  observe  ray  in- 
structions, and  I  shall  undertake  to  put  you  in  possession 
of  the  greatest  part  of  his  estate;  which,  as  you  justly  ob- 
serve, will  greatly  redound  to  the  safety  of  his  soul. 

Be  sure  that  you  bury  the  old  gentleman  with  as  much 
seeming  sorrow  and  devotion  as  might  be  expected  from 
a  well  paid  parson;  yea,  with  as  much  feigned  courtesy 
to  the  heir,  as  if  the  deceased  had  left  you  live  hundred 
pounds.  Then  be  sure  to  say  mass  for  liim  to  your  lady, 
St.  Dominick,  St.  Francis,  or  to  the  saint  of  your  convent, 
as  soon  as  possible.  That  being  done,  let  a  skilful  mes- 
senger from  your  reverences  v,  ait  on  the  son  and  heir,  to 
tell  him  that,  alas!  his  poor  father  is  got  much  deeper  into 
purgatory  than  was  expected,  on  account  of  some  sins 
which  he  had  concealed  from  his  confessor;  which  sins, 
because  they  are  hidden,  will  take  a  great  deal  of  burning, 
unless  expiated  in  time  by  frequent  masses.  Tell  hini 
that  you  are  not  certain,  but  you  hope,  about  two  hundred 
crowns,  laid  out  in  masses  to  some  favourite,  loquacious 
saint,  may  go  near  to  procure  his  deliverance.  This  news 
will  probably  so  surprise  the  youth,  that  the  messenger 
will  receive  the  money,  and  his  hearty  prayers  into  the 
bargain;  for  if  he  is  a  good  churchman,  it  will  not  be  easy 
to  persuade  him  that  your  reverences  only  aim  at  picking 
his  pockets. 

Having  received  the  money,  you  must  take  care  not  to 


22  DIALOGUES 

go  any  more  to  the  young  gentleman,  until  the  time  that 
all  the  masses  might  have  been  said:  then  go  to  him 
again,  and  tell  him  that  bj  fervent  application  you  have 
at  last  got  his  father's  soul  within  a  few  yards  of  the  sur- 
face of  the  flamesj  that  you  cannot  possibly  restore  him  an 
inch  farther  until  more  masses  are  said  for  him,*  and  that 
you  think  an  hundred  crowns  worth  more  may,  in  all  pro- 
bability, clear  him.  This  being  received,  take  care  not 
to  visit  him  again  too  soon,  but  wait  until  another  quan- 
tity of  masses  might  have  been  said.  At  a  proper  time, 
go  to  him  again:  expatiate  much  upon  the  piety  of  your 
brethren:  tell  him  that,  by  their  endeavours,  "his  father 
was  quite  discharged  from  the  court  of  purgatory,  and  was 
just  going  to  be  turned  out  at  the  heaven-end  of  the  town, 
when  it  happened,  most  unluckily,  that  there  came  up  the 
soul  of  a  woman  whom  he  had  debauched  in  his  life-timej 
that  this  malicious  woman  had  brought  an  action  against 
him,  the  bill  was  found,  and  the  poor  old  gentleman  con- 
demned to  fiercer  burnings  than  before,  which  may  last 
for  many  years,  unless  a  speedy  supply  of  money  is  grant- 
ed to  procure  friends  in  heaven  to  intercede  for  his  re- 
lease. This  scheme  will  procure  you  double  the  former 
sums.  You  know,  father,  hidden  sins  take  a  great  deal  of 
burning. 

Six  or  eight  months  afterwards  go  to  the  young  gen- 
tleman again,  and  tell  him  that  you  laid  out  his  last  money 
to  the  best  advantage^  that  with  it  you  procured  half  a 
dozen  of  the  best  orators  in  heaven  to  plead  his  father's 
cause,  who,  by  their  fervent  supplications,  had  at  last 
prevailed;  that  the  old  gentleman  was  delivered  from  his 
torments,  and  was  led  in  triumph  to  the  gates,  to  be  des- 
patched immediately  for  glory.  But,  as  his  unlucky 
stars  would  have  it,  just  as  the  porter  opened  the  gate, 
there  came  up  the  soul  of  a  mendicant  friar,  whom  the  old 
gentleman  had  in  his  life-time  unhappily  Jaeat,  and  now 
openly  accused  him  of  this  almost  unpardonable  crime: 
on  which  account  he  was  remanded  back  to  more  exqui- 
site torments  than  ever.  Tell  the  young  gentleman  that 
this  unhappy  accident  caused  such  grief  to  the  brethren, 
that  there  is  hardly  any  one  of  them  able  to  say  Ave- 
Maria;  and  that  some  of  them  intend,  as  soon  as  their 
strength  will  admit,  to  go  to  Jerusalem,  to  try  if  by  any 
means  they  can  procure  his  deliverance  at  the  holy  cross 
or  sepulchre. 


OF  DEVILS.  23 

You  know  very  well,  reverend  father,  in  what  tender 
and  pious  strains  to  tell  your  story;  and  to  make  it  pene- 
trate the  deeper,  you  can  shed  a  few  crocodile  tears  over 
it.  If  you  manage  wisely,  you  may,  in  this  case,  sell 
your  tears  at  more  than  a  crown  each.  Be  sure  thus  al- 
ways to  find  out  some  impediment  or  other  to  the  old 
man's  release.  You  may  bring  him  often  to  the  gates,  but 
if  once  you  let  him  go  through,  all  your  hopes  are  over 
from  this  quarter.  Care  should  also  be  taken  to  inform 
the  young  heir  of  the  tremendous  curses  the  pope  has  de- 
nounced against  those  impious  children,  who  enjoy  their 
wealth  and  ease,  whilst  they  suffer  their  poor  unhappy  pa- 
rents to  lie  roasting  in  purgatory,  rather  than  pay  the 
priests  for  delivering  them. 

Fastosus.  Aye,  Avarol  But  what  if  the  young  gentle- 
man should  have  sense  enough  to  see  through  the  villany 
of  the  parsons,  and  courage  enough  to  refuse  the  money? 
How  then,  cousin.'^ 

AvARo.  That  was  what  I  was  going  to  tell  you,  sir. 
For,  continued  I,  if,  sir,  young  'squire  Great-purse  should 
have  sagacity  enough  to  see  through  your  scheme,  and 
deny  you  the  money,  let  one  of  your  most  devout  breth- 
ren assume  the  ghost,  from  night  to  night  haunt  his  dwell- 
ing, and,  in  an  articulate  manner,  utter,  in  the  name  of 
the  father  deceased,  the  most  dreadful  curses  against  his 
undutiful  son,  who  possesseth  a  large  estate  in  peace  and 
pleasure,  whilst  his  poor  father  lies  broiling  in  the  flames" 
of  purgatory.  'By  these  means  you  may  procure  either 
all  or  most  of  the  estate  to  yourselves. 

Fastosus.  An  excellent  scheme!  and,  from  what  I  have 
known  of  those  reverend  worthies,  exactly  suited  to  their 
taste  and  principles. 

AvARo.  It  was  so,  as  you  shall  hear;  for  I  had  no  soon- 
er finished,  but  the  aged  father,  who  was  not  likely  to 
live  to  say  many  more  masses,  arose,  and,  with  tears  in 
his  eyes,  thanked  me  a  thousand  times  for  my  cordial  ad- 
vice, protesting  that  nothing  could  be  better  adapted  to 
the  end  proposed,  or  more  agreeable  to  the  principles 
both  of  him  and  his  brethren;  assuring  me  that  they 
would  follow  my  directions  as  invariably  as  Saturn  does 
his  orbit. 

Fastosus.  By  this  account  of  the  Romish  priests,  it  ap- 
pears that  they  are  at  no  loss  for  merchandise.  Purga- 
torial fire,  holy  water,  masses,  dispensations,  pardons, 


£4  DIALOGUES 

&c.  are  commodities  which  do  not  require  a  Tery  large 
capital,  and  yet  are  attended  with  considerable  profits. 
The  great  parsons,  over  and  above  the  tythe  of  the  lands, 
have  very  advantageous  craft  by  this  means.  But,  be- 
tween you  and  me,  cousin,  it  is  all  the  merchandise  of  the 
scarlet  strumpet. 

AvAiio.  It  would  be  dangerous  to  our  interest  if  the 
world  should  know  the  truth.  Then  our  great  vicege- 
rent would  be  worshipped  as  a  god  no  more.  The  won- 
drous beast,  which  ascended  out  of  the  sea  of  ignorance 
and  error,  would  be  torn  limb  from  limb,  and  his  carcass 
given  to  the  hawks  and  ravens. 

Fastosus.  So  then  I  find  you  are  a  papist  as  well  as 
me.  I  myself  have  large  concerns  among  the  clergy,  and 
with  none  more  than  his  holiness  the  pope,  the  great  par- 
son at  Rome:  the  parson  of  the  parsons.  This  universal 
parson,  though  he  pretends  to  be  descended  from  Peter, 
my  enemy,  hath  conceived  such  a  good  opinion  of  my 
abilities,  that  he  will  not  make  a  decree,  nor  publish  a 
bull,  until  I  have  put  the  finishing  hand  to  it.  You  know, 
cousin,  that  I  am  none  of  those  who  are  backward  in  show- 
ing their  opinion,  but  readily  dictate  to  all  who  refer 
themselves  to  my  direction.  As  to  his  holiness,  notwith- 
standing he  is  the  father  of  the  whole  church,  he  is  my 
humble  servant,  and,  as  I  said  before,  consults  me  upon 
all  occasions.  The  advice  that  I  give,  in  general,  is,  that 
by  all  means  he  take  care  to  keep  up  his  authority  over 
the  consciences  and  liberties  of  mankind 5  and  the  same 
advice  I  give  to  the  clergy  in  general.  Hence  every 
parson  attempts  to  reign,  within  his  own  district,  despotic 
and  supreme  over  the  consciences  of  the  people,  who  are 
obliged,  under  pain  of  damnation,  to  honour  him  as  the 
plenipotentiary  of  heaven,  and  the  arbitrary  distributer 
of  blessings  and  curses.  I  advise  his  holiness,  at  all 
events,  to  support  his  infallibility  beyond  the  scriptures 
of  truth,  and  his  supremacy  above  the  laws  of  God  or 
man.  This  same  advice  I  whisper  in  the  ear  of  my  clergy 
in  general,  who,  to  a  man,  agree  that  the  scriptures  shall 
not  pass  with  toleration,  unless  it  is  dressed  in  the  garb 
of  their  interpretations.  As  such,  and  only  as  such,  it  is 
imposed  on  their  parishioners.  The  good  old  vicar  never 
contradicts  any  thing  I  say,  notwithstanding  he  knows,  at 
the  same  time,  his  pretensions  to  be  a  cheat;  but,  to  the 
utmost  of  his  power,  follows  the  directions  of  his  adored 


OF  DEVILS.  25 

Fastosus;  and  never  did  mortal  man  show  more  implicit 
obedience  to  the  monarch  of  darkness. 

AvARO.  So  then  the  popists  worship  his  holiness  the 
pope,  and  he  worships  the  devil  Fastosus.  Is  not  this  the 
sjstem  of  the  popish  divinity  in  a  few  words,  uncle? 

Fastosus.  It  is  so:  and  a  system  adhered  to  by  many 
who  are  called  protestants.  For,  with  such  love  to  wealth 
and  honor  have  you  and  I  inspired  them,  that  although,  as 
reasonable  beings,  they  must  know  that  the  Almighty 
Ruler  will  bring  their  ways  into  impartial  scrutiny,  and 
judge  them  for  their  fallacious  guile;  yet,  for  the  sake  of 
wordly  riches  and  honour,  at  all  events,  they  resolutely 
follow  our  directions. 

AvARo.  Aye,  sir,  that  is  the  heaven  of  the  priests.  They 
both  seek  and  have  their  reward.  The  fat  of  the  land  is  in 
their  possession,  and  tiiey  are  honoured  as  the  directors  of 
conscience.  And  yet  they  are  the  successors  of  the  apos- 
tles, who  had  neither  silver  nor  gold ;  and  yet  they  are  the 
ministers  of  Jesus,  who  would  not  receive  honours  from 
men.  And  yet  they  are  the  most  humble  creatures  that 
ever  lived;  and  yet  it  is  death  to  contradict  them. 

Fastosus.  Having  made  sure  of  the  mighty  father  of 
the  world,  his  holiness  of  Rome,  to  join  issue  with  us  in 
promoting  our  interest  among  men;  I  have  an  excellent 
device  to  insure  all  the  other  ranks  of  his  dependant  clergy 
to  our  interest  likewise.  The  patriarchs  and  cardinals  are 
sure  to  prove  loyal  to  the  pope,  and,  of  consequence  to 
us,  from  a  hope,  which  I  have  inspired  each  of  them  with, 
of  one  day  ascending  the  papal  throne  himself.  The  loy- 
alty of  the  archbishops  is  insured  by  the  hope  of  a  cardi- 
nal's hat,  and  their  right  reverences  the  bishops,  are  sure 
to  remain  inoffensive  animals,  in  hope  of  attaining  in  some 
future  period,  the  archiepiscopal  dignity.  The  same  de- 
vice runs  through  all  the  other  ranks  of  the  clergy,  and 
thereby  they  are  all  rendered  my  humble  servants.  By 
these  things  it  appears  that  we  are  likely  to  have  a  very 
plentiful  harvest. 

AvARo.  Doubt  it  not,  Fastosus.  Beelzebub's  regions 
will  be  well  provided  with  gentlemen  in  holy  orders,  who 
are  so  dexterous  in  managing  the  cheat,  that  it  is  carried 
on,  unperceived  by  their  adorers.  Look  ye,  Fastosus! 
who  comes.^  It  is  Crudelis!  Where  do  you  think  that 
deformed  spirit  can  be  going  now? 

Fastosus.  He  is  on  the  scent  of  blood,  I  warrant  him. 
3 


S6  DIALOGUES 

By  his  nature  he  might  have  been  got  bj  a  panther,  and 
nursed  by  a  mountain  bear. 

AvARo.  Let  us  call  him,  sir;  perhaps  we  may  learn 
some  news  of  him.  So,  ho!  Crudelisj  what,  not  a  word 
with  you? 

Crudelis.  Hah,  gentlemen!  are  you  here?  I  did  not 
think  of  meeting  with  you,  my  dear  friends  and  fellow 
destroyers.  How  do  you  do,  Fastosus?  And  how  do  you 
do,  Avaro? 

Both.  We  are  pretty  well,  cousin;  only  jaded  a  little 
with  a  constant  application  to  business.  But  pray,  Cru- 
delis, how  have  you  been  employed  of  late? 

Crudelis.  Employed,  do  you  say?  Never  fear  me.  I 
have  not  been  idle,  I  assure  you?  Do  you  suppose  that  I 
can  pick  up  no  game  in  Britain,  in  this  golden  age?  If 
you  do,  you  are  greatly  mistaken.  It  is  true,  that  some  of 
the  late  kings  of  England  have  been  my  avowed  enemies, 
and  as  far  as  in  them  lay,  have  expelled  me  the  kingdom. 
But  be  they  as  vigilant  as  they  will,  I  find  opportunity  of 
breaking  through  the  fences  which  they  have  reared  against 
me;  when  you  may  be  sure,  if  I  cannot  get  great,  1  pick 
up  small  game,  of  which  I  can  only  give  you  a  very  small 
specimen  at  present.  In  one  place  I  persuaded  an  ambi- 
tious child  to  poison,  or  otherwise  kill,  an  old  cumbersome 
parent,  who  v/ill  not  die  without  violent  measures.  I 
prevailed  with  a  rogue,  in  another  place,  to  despatch  his 
woman,  and  her  brat,  to  preserve  his  own  reputation  and 
estate.  In  a  third,  I  stir  up  an  ambitious  servant  to  kill 
and  plunder  his  master.  And  frequently  I  can  prevail 
with  one  gentleman  to  kill  another  in  a  duel,  on  some 
punctilio  of  false  honor.  And  sometimes  I  persuade  the 
despairing  wretch  to  lay  violent  hands  on  himself,  destroy 
his  own  miserable  life,  and  by  doing  so,  enter  upon  ano- 
ther infinitely  more  miserable.  Then  I  take  to  my  heels, 
and  am  followed  with  a  hue  and  cry  all  over  the  nation. 
But  thank  you,  I  am  too  swift  for  them  all.  I  never  gire 
them  time  to  say,  "Crudelis  is  here."  But  they  often 
say,  ''These  are  the  tricks  of  that  horrid  devil,  Crude- 
lis." 

Yesterday  I  wasattendingadael,  which  I  myself  stirred 
up,  (as  I  suppose  you  know  that  all  duels  are  of  my  insti- 
gation,) so  it  was  here;  I  persuaded  the  gentlemen  com- 
batants to  fight  with  sword  and  pistol,  hoping  that  both 
ivowld  have  f4lleii  in  the  action.     But  though  my  design 


OF  DEVILS.  27 

"was  good,  as  ill-luck  would  have  it,  it  miscarried,  and  only 
one  of  them  bit  the  ground.  However,  I  am  not  without 
hope  that  the  other  will  be  hanged  for  the  murder,  and,  if 
80,  then  I  have  my  design.  I  assure  you,  gentlemen,  I 
used  my  utmost  endeavours  to  throng  the  nether  regions. 
O,  my  brother  destroyers!  I  could  tell  you  such  stories  as 
would  make  you  bless  yourselves,  and  adore  the  prince 
Crudelis.  These  are  but  trilling  things,  thrown  in  to  whet 
;^our  appetite  against  the  next  opportunity.  Then  you 
Vnall  hear.  But  for  this  time  I  must  be  going.  Adieu, 
gentry,  for  I  smell  blood  at  a  distance. 

Fastosus.  It  is  amazing  what  power  this  deformed  fiend 
hath  obtained  over  mankind.  Vv'hat  ills,  so  very  difter- 
eut  from  the  principles  of  humanity,  he  hath  by  his  bar- 
barous insinuations  introduced.  What  is  very  surprising, 
he  hath  made  mankind  more  cruel  to  one  another,  than 
we  infernal  spirits  are  among  ourselves.  He  stirs  them 
up  to  destroy  and  devour  one  another:  But  we  are  never 
known  to  quarrel  among  ourselves,  nor  to  make  war  upon 
our  own  race.  Be  that  the  part  of  foolish  man:  We  dev- 
ils are  masters  of  better  policy.  This  very  Crudelis  him- 
self, sanguine  as  he  is  to  devour  blinded  mortals,  lays 
aside  all  his  voracity,  when  he  joins  our  black  assembly, 
and  is  as  tame  a  devil  as  any  of  us.  Well  may  you  and  I 
destroy  with  success,  when  such  a  deformed  lump  of  hell 
as  Crudelis,  is  made  welcome  among  them. 

AvARO.  But  with  your  leave,  sir,  as  Crudelis  is  gone, 
let  us  resume  our  discourse.  I  remember,  before  he  in- 
terrupted us,  you  briefly  hinted  that  you  were  somewhat 
addicted  to  religion,  and  that  you  are  a  papist  too.  I  was 
never  wont  to  consider  you  as  a  religious  devil;  much  less 
did  I  think  that  you  assumed  to  yourself  any  of  those  dis- 
tinctions, which  divide  the  professedly  Christian  world. 
I  thought,  formerly,  that  the  great  Fastosus  had  dwelt 
only  in  king-s'  courts,  with  people  of  soft  raiment,  and 
occasionally  waited  on  the  nobility  and  gentry,  at  their 
country  seats.     What!  the  devil  Fastosus  a  papist  too.'^ 

Fastosus.  In  reality,  Avaro,  (to  make  use  of  a  human 
phrase)  your  ignorance  is  enough  to  provoke  the  very 
devil.  Do  you  not  know  yet,  if  I  were  not  jack  of  all 
trades  and  religions,  I  could  never  maintain  my  sway 
over  men  as  I  do.  I  have  very  great  concern  in  religious 
•matters,  I  assure  you,  and  that  among  more  denomina- 
tions than  some  people  like  to  hear  of.    Sometimes  I  am 


28  DIALOGUES 

among  the  Pagans,  worshipped  as  an  arch-flamin,  and  pre- 
sident of  all  their  religious  orders.  Very  frequently  I 
have  the  honour  of  filling  the  papal  chair.  Then  I  am 
adored  under  the  venerable  names  of  Pius,  Innocent, 
Benedict,  &c.  accounted  the  universal  pastor,  head  of  the 
church,  and  father  of  the  whole  world.  Occasionally  I 
sit  as  judge  in  the  holy  inquisitive  tribunal,  where  Con- 
cupiscentia  and  I  are  adored  as  divinities.  Now  I  am  a 
holy  musselman,  and  styled,  his  reverence  mufti,  Muly 
Alab.  Then,  before  you  are  aware,  I  am  shut  up  in  a 
cloister  with  the  nuns;  and  friars,  whom  1  make  more 
proud  of  their  pretended  chastity  than  a  thousand  saints 
are  of  their  real  graces:  On  such  occasions,  I  am  known 
by  the  name  of  the  venerable  matron  Humility.  It  hap- 
pens, also,  that  I  am  obliged  to  metamorphose  myself  into 
a  capuchin,  or  a  Palmerian  friar,  and  in  that  show  of  self- 
denial  I  beg  my  bread  from  door  to  door:  By  these  means 
I  teach  the  fantastical  devotees  to  be  more  proud  of  their 
awkward  form,  and  voluntary  humility,  than  a  wise  earl 
would  be  of  all  his  landgraviate.  Anon,  I  change  my 
station,  and  find  myself  an  abbot  of  a  convent,  where  my 
depending  priests  and  brethren  worship  me  under  the 
name  of  the  holy  father.  Then,  very  soon  after,  you 
will  find  me  attending  the  worthy  confessor  in  his  visita- 
tion: When,  to  be  sure,  I  persuade  his  self-conceited  re- 
verence that  he  is  well  nigh  as  pure  as  tije  mest  holy 
mother  pope  Joan,  a  fortunate  lady,  who,  a  few  centuries 
ago,  became  head  of  the  church,  and  mother  of  the  whole 
world.  The  hermit,  in  his  cell,  on  the  mountains  of 
Ararat,  frequently  offers  his  adoration  to  me,  and,  for  my 
part,  in  return  for  his  obsequiousness,  I  am  in  no  v^ise 
sparing  of  m.y  exalting  influence.  I  persuade  the  world- 
abdicating  wretch  that  his  solitary  residence  in  that  holy 
asylum,  far  more  than  merits  a  mansion  in  heaven;  and, 
at  his  peril,  that  he  stir  not  one  foot  from  thence,  to  go 
down  into  an  ungodly  world:  The  mountain  top,  or  a  cell 
in  the  desert,  being  the  best  place  imaginable,  in  which 
to  merit  everlasting  glory.  The  worthy  hermit  admits 
my  doctrine  to  be  true,  his  favourite  passion  is  gratified, 
and  he  obeys  implicitly  my  directions. 

AvARo.  Then  his  eremitical  reverence  never  questions 
the  goodness  of  his  heart,  I  perceive.  He  knows  not  that 
he  carries  a  spring  of  iniquity  within  himself,  even  to  th© 
desert,  or  the  mountain's  top. 


OF  DEVILS.  6D 

F'ASTOsrs.  No,  no,  he  fears  no  evil  fronivs  ithln.  If  he  - 
gets  to  a  distance  remote  enough  from  the  rest  of  mankind, 
he  can  repose  the  greatest  confidence  in  his  own  heart; 
and  thereby  proclaims  his  folly  to  all  the  world.  I  as- 
sure him,  that  if  he  will  remain  duricg  life  in  his  cell, 
when  he  comes  to  die,  he  will  have  holiness  sufficient  for 
himself;  and  a  large  redundancy,  by  which  he  may  help 
some  poor  friend  out  of  purgatory. 

AvARo.  Hey  dayl  how  different  was  Paul's  doctrine 
from  yours  and  the  hermit's,  Fastosusl  He  asserted  that 
by  the  works  of  the  law  no  flesh  living  should  bejustified; 
but  you  and  he  believe  that  by  the  works  of  the  law  a 
man  may  be  more  than  justified.  Yea,  that  by  observing 
of  things  no  where  commanded  in  the  law,  such  as  forsak- 
ing society,  counting  beads,  and  mumbling  prayers,  he 
may  not  only  justify  himself,  but  help  another  to  justifi- 
cation. 

Fastosus.  Ay,  Avaro,  the  hermit  believes  so;  but  for 
my  part  I  believe  no  such  thing.  I  know  better,  though 
1  thus  delude  him.  But  to  pass  on  with  my  story,  I  can 
tell  you,  I  have  a  good  deal  of  employment  among  your 
disciples,  cousin,  and  with  them  I  work  wonders  of  com- 
pelled generosity.  I  meet  with  many,  who  never  had  the 
heart  to  perform  one  virtuous,  benevolent  action,  whilst 
health  continued;  who,  when  they  perceive  that  they  must 
come  ta  a  reckoning  in  t!ie  other  world,  are  very  assidu- 
ous to  have  their  accounts  balanced  aforehand.  I  per- 
suade them  to  leave  a  massy  sum  to  this  hospital,  to  the 
other  parish,  or  to  certain  meeting  houses.  When  I  thus 
direct  the  will  of  devotees,  one  leaves  gold  enough  to  build 
a  chapel  for  our  lady,  a  second  doth  the  like  for  St.  Peter, 
and  a  third  for  St.  Dominick.  But  in  general  they  are 
most  fond  of  saints  of  their  own  rearing;  the  greatest  part 
of  whom  are  now  m.ade  constellations  in  the  nether  sky, 
and  courtiers  to  the  prince  Beelzebub.  Ask  you  me, 
Avaro,  what  end  the  testator  has  in  those  pious  legacies.'' 
I  tell  you,  by  this  time  he  sees  that  the  manner  in  which 
he  got  and  kept  his  money  has  not  the  least  tendency  to 
save  him  from  destruction,  and  he  knows  but  one  way  to 
avert  the  impending  judgment;  that  is,  to  leave  his  so  and 
so  gotten  money  for  the  good  of  the  church:  and  that,  he 
is  told,  never  fails  to  sanctify  every  measure  taken  to  pro- 
cure it.  Some  of  these  deluded  testators  are  not  without 
hope  that,  in  some  future  period,  their  names  will  be  en- 
3* 


so  DIALOGUES 

rolled  in  the  pope's  bible,  and  their  shrines  adored  in  the 
Christian  pantheon,  at  Rome,  where  all  tlie  gods  of  the 
papal  hierarchy  are  enshrined. 

AvARo.  Good  Fastosus,  I  really  think  that,  if  the  pa- 
pists would  act  in  character,  they  should  dedicate  their 
temples  to  St.  Judas,  St.  Demas,  St.  Demetrius,  St.  Alex- 
ander the  coppersmith,  &c.  for  they  are  the  genuine  off- 
spring of  those  celebrated  heroes. 

Fastosus.  Their  very  descendants,  cousin.  You  and 
I,  who  know  what  we  see,  can  discern  no  essential  differ- 
ence between  the  holy  Roman  catholic  religion  and  that 
of  the  ancient  pagans.  It  was  the  most  excellent  device 
imaginable  to  introduce  paganism  under  the  specious  show 
of  orthodox  and  infallible  Christianity.  And  I  can  tell 
you,  there  is  no  essential  difference  between  the  popish 
religion,  and  that  of  some  sects  of  very  staunch  protest- 
ants;  but  these  things  we  must  keep  to  ourselves;  for  I 
would  not,  for  ever  so  much,  our  people  should  know  that 
the  popish  religion  is  diabolic. 

AvARO.  I  should  be  glad  to  hear  it  made  out,  uncle, 
how  the  religion  of  some  protestants  is  much  the  same 
with  that  of  the  papists:  this  being  well  cleared  up,  will 
yield  me  great  pleasure. 

Fastosus.  I  can  clear  it  up,  Avaro,  and  shall,  at  a  time 
convenient;  but  not  now.  I  must  go  and  put  the  finish- 
ing hand  to  my  lady's  robes.  To-morrow  I  shall  meet 
you  here:  Adieu. 

AvARo.  AVell,  seeing  my  uncle  is  gone,  I'll  go  and  hide 
the  lawyer's  money  in  a  place  of  safety,  and  return  to 
some  business  which  I  promised  to  transact  for  my  worthy 
children. 


DIALOGUE   III. 


INFIDELIS  AND  IMPIATOR. 

The  way  being  clear,  by  the  departure  of  Fastosus  and 
Avaro,  I  came  out  of  my  lurking  place,  in  order  to  make 
what  discoveries  I  could  in  the  valley,  which  I  now  knew 
to  be  a  rendezvous  for  those  evil  spiriits  who  so  dreadfully 


OF  DEVILS.  SI 

have  enslaved  mankind.  I  had  not  gone  far,  before  my 
alarmed  imagination  transformed  every  thing  1  saw  into 
a  devil;  the  croaking  of  the  raven  was  as  dreadful  as  the 
voice  of  a  hobgoblin;  and  the  shrieking  of  the  owl  as 
terrible  as  the  roaring  of  ApoUyon.  Every  distant  bush 
seemed  to  bear  the  aspect  of  some  devouring  fiend,  so 
powerful  was  the  influence  of  my  imagination.  Curiosity, 
however,  had  still  the  ascendency  over  my  fears,  and  I 
wandered  from  place  to  place,  seeking  for  something  new. 
At  length  I  saw,  at  some  distance,  a  tall  gigantic  form, 
slowly  moving  towards  me.  A  form  nearly  as  huge  as 
the  steeple  of  St.  Cuthbert's  church,  at  Dulmensis.  Every 
time  he  contracted  his  extensive  chest  he  darkened  the 
air  with  the  breath  which  issued  from  his  expanded  nos- 
trils, as  pillars  of  smoke  from  the  chimneys  of  a  fire-en- 
gine. Smaller  streams  of  the  same  darkening  vapour 
came  curling  forth  from  his  arm  pits,  and  every  pore  of 
his  skin,  so  that  wherever  he  came  he  blackened  the  air 
around  him. 

Now,  thought  I,  my  life  is  not  worth  two-pence,  if  yon- 
der demon  lay  hold  on  me:  therefore  I  ran  with  full  speed 
to  the  cliif  of  the  rock,  where  I  had  lurked  so  secure  be- 
fore,* and  having  taken  sanctuary  in  the  subterraneous 
cell,  I  gathered  so  much  courage  as  to  peep  out,  that  I 
might  learn  what  was  become  of  the  terrible  monster. 
I  saw  that  he  was  got  almost  to  the  door  of  my  cave. 
Frightened  I  was,  you  may  be  sure;  nevertheless,  I  com- 
forted myself  with  the  thought  that  such  a  tremendous 
bulk  could  not  enter  my  narrow  retreat.  He  said  to  him- 
self, (his  voice  as  he  spoke  resembling  hollow  thunder) 
*'  1  thought  I  had  seen  the  honourable  Fastosus,  and  the 
careful  Avaro,  walking  here  just  now;  but  I  might  be 
mistaken;  or  if  they  have  been  here,  they  are  gone  on  our 
great  father's  business,  no  doubt.  Well,  seeing  it  is  so, 
1  will  take  a  turn  or  two  in  the  vale,  and  then  return  to 
my  business  again." 

Notwithstanding  all  the  tremor  of  my  mind,  I  was 
eager  to  know  what  he  was,  and  how  he  came  hither,  but 
durst  not  discover  myself,  lest  he  should  prove  a  devil  of 
the  cannibal  kind,  which,  if  he  should,  I  thought  that  he 
would,  scarce  make  one  mouthful  of  my  diminutive  car- 
cass. But  when  he  mentioned  going  to  business  again,  I 
queried  whether  he  might  not  be  one  of  Vulcan's  smiths, 
come  out  of  the  forge  to  take  a  refreshing  walk;  then  I 


52  DIALOGUES 

recollected,  and  asked  myself,  *'If  he  is  one  of  the  Cy- 
clops, hovv  came  he  to  be  acquainted  with  the  devils  Fas- 
tosus  and  Avaro?"  1  continued  in  this  dreadful  suspense 
for  some  time,  until  at  last  seeing  one  of  his  companions, 
he  entered  into  discourse  with  him.  I  found  that  his 
name  was  Infidelis,  and  that  of  the  other  Impiator. 

Infidelis.  Impiator,  my  child,  hovv  do  you  do?  I  am 
glad  to  meet  my  son  in  the  vale  of  horrors,  in  so  lucky  an 
hour. 

Impiator.  Hah,  my  worshipful  father,  Infidelis!  Am 
I  so  happy  as  to  meet  with  you  here?  My  venerable  sire, 
how  do  you  do? 

Infidelis.  I  thank  you,  son,  very  well.  Notwithstand- 
ing my  great  age,  and  hurry  of  business,  I  do  not  find  the 
least  decay  in  my  constitution,  but  rather  seem  to  grow 
stronger;  and  indeed  there  is  a  prediction  on  record,  that 
I  shall  be  strongest  at  the  last. 

What  pleasure  does  it  give  me,  my  dear  Impiator,  to 
hear  that  you  are  so  successful  in  ensnaring  the  minds, 
and  corrupting  the  morals  of  mankind,  throughout  every 
nation  of  the  world.  If  what  I  hear  of  you  be  true,  you 
approve  yourself  a  right  chip  of  the  old  block.  I  rejoice 
that  some  of  all  ranks  and  degrees  of  people  are  so  sub- 
jected to  our  sway.  I  am  told  that  many,  even  of  the 
professors  of  religion,  fondly  caress  you,  my  son. 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sir,  it  must  not  be  denied  that  my 
kingdom  is  in  a  growing  condition  all  over  the  world.  I 
think  I  was  hardly  ever  so  much,  and  nevermore,  caress- 
ed than  I  am  now.  Even  in  pagan  nations,  heretofore 
remarkable  for  uprightness  and  temperance,  I  have  in- 
troduced the  fashionable  vices  of  the  Christian  world:  so 
that  an  Indian  will  drink  and  swear  even  with  an  English- 
man, and  lie  and  cheat  as  fast  as  a  Gaul  or  a  Hollander. 
Greatly  am  I  beholden  to  a  certain  company  for  instruct- 
ing the  eastern  world  in  the  learned  arts  of  violence,  ra- 
pine, and  murder.  Not  to  dwell,  however,  on  the  con- 
version of  the  pagans  to  the  vices  of  nominal  Christians, 
much  improvement  has  been  made  even  in  Christendom 
itself,  of  which,  take  the  following  instances,  out  of  many 
that  might  be  given. 

It  is  not  a  vast  number  of  years  since  your  son  Impia- 
tor was  held  in  perfect  disdain  in  Scotland;  but  now  I 
have  chosen  many  legions  of  the  Caledonians  for  myself. 
I  think  I  ought  rather  to  say,  that  being  quite  tired  of  the 


OF  DEVILS.  S3 

service  of  Sobrietj,  a  prince  of  another  family,  they  made 
choice  of  me  for  their  ruler.  But  you  know,  fatlier,  that 
I  am  no  scholar,  tlierefore  improprieties  in  my  speech  are 
not  at  all  to  be  wondered  at.  However,  I  have  reduced 
the  Scotch  to  such  a  veneration  for  my  once  hated  person, 
that  they  have  cordially  embraced  the  ornamental  vicea 
of  the  English  nation;  such  as  sabbath-breaking,  whoring, 
drunkenness,  swearing,  gambling,  &c.;  but  whether  they 
will  be  as  successful  in  obtaining  pensions  from  the  gov- 
ernment, after  they  have  gambled  away  their  estates,  is 
not  so  easy  to  determine.  The  conquest  of  the  Scotch, 
sir,  is  the  more  agreeable  to  me,  because,  as  1  said,  there 
was  a  time  when  those  vices  were  hardiy  so  much  as 
known  in  that  country.  Now,  who  but  Profanity  in  all 
their  towns?  Nor  am  I  without  my  worshippers  in  the 
country,  even  among  their  presbyterian  parsons  them- 
selves. 

IxFiDELis.  Glad  am  I  that  my  lovely  child  has  subdued 
the  stubborn  Scotch.  For  I  well  know  that  the  presby- 
terians  there  resisted  your  influence  long  after  I  had 
erected  my  standard  in  the  land;  yea,  after  multitudes 
flocked  to  it,  and  swore  allegiance  to  the  great  Infidelis. 
But  how,  my  son,  hast  thou  so  happily  accomplished  this 
change? 

Impiator.  Really,  sir,  I  obtained  help  from  a  quarter 
"whence  there  was  not  the  least  reason  to  expect  it.  I 
mean  from  the  parsons,  the  spiritual  guides  of  the  people. 
It  happened  thus:  The  parsons  of  the  kirk  quarrelled 
among  themselves,  and  divided  into  two  parties.  One  of 
which  forsook  their  mother  kirk,  and  very  solemnly  de- 
livered up  the  other  party  to  the  devil;  on^the  Other  hand, 
the  reverend  gentlemen,  who  abode  in  the  kirk,  in  the 
like  spirit  of  devotion,  delivered  up  the  schismatics,  par- 
son and  people,  to  Beelzebub.  Beelzebub,  who  you  know 
is  never  backward  in  receiving  a  gift  of  this  kind,  finding 
that  all  the  presbyterians  in  Scotland  were  thus  in  full 
tale  made  over  to  him,  laid  his  hands  upon  as  many  of 
them  as  he  could  conveniently  reach,  and  made  such  use 
of  them  as  greatly  assisted  my  operations.  Little  was 
now  to  be  heard  in  the  pulpit,  except  railing,  scolding, 
calling  ill  names,  and  tossing  anathemas  from  one  party 
to  the  other.  Thus,  while  they  went  on  bandying  curses, 
we  went  on  persuading  the  people  that  religion  is  a  farce, 
and  that  true  happiness  consists  in  present  gratification; 


34  DIALOGUES 

and  this  doctrine,  readily  affecting  the  heart  and  senses," 
was  eagerly  received,  and  my  government  established. 

IxFiDELis.  It  was  a  favourable  juncture  indeed;  and  I 
have  often  remarked,  that  if  there  was  any  turn  of  reli- 
gious affairs  much  in  our  favour,  for  the  most  part,  we 
have  parsons  to  thank  for  their  assistance  in  it.  Many 
instances  of  this  might  be  given.  But  I  pray  thee,  my 
son,  didst  thou  ever  hear  of  my  original,  and  the  nature  of 
my  government? 

Impiator.  No,  not  I,  indeed.  You  know,  sir,  I  was 
born  with  evident  signs  of  stupidity,  and  therefore  could 
never  read;  and,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  all  my  cares  are  in 
the  present  tense,  without  inquiring  into  either  originals 
or  terminations. 

Infidelis.  All  this  I  know,  my  child.  But,  as  we  are 
secure  from  mortal  auditors,  being  in  Horrida  Vallis,  if 
you  can  spare  a  little  time,  I  will  give  you  some  account 
of  my  rise  and  progress.  Perhaps  it  may  have  a  happy 
tendency  to  promote  your  destructive  designs,  and  so 
strengthen  the  pillars  of  the  elevated  throne  of  great  Pro- 
fanity. What  I  relate  you  may  depend  upon  for  truth: 
for,  although  we  seldom  speak  any  thing  but  lies  to  man- 
kind, one  devil  may  well  enough  depend  upon  the  word 
of  another. 

.  Impiator.  Yes,  that  we  may,  sir;  and  I  presume  if 
mankind  were  to  hear  what  passeth  at  our  private  confe- 
rences, they  would  not  continue  long  so  fond  of  our  ser- 
vice as  they  are  at  present.  As  to  your  story,  sir,  I  am 
ready  to  hear  it.     Perhaps,  as  you  say,  I  may  profit  by  it. 

Infidelis.  Well  then,  my  son,  you  will  observe  that 
I  am  of  a  very  great  age,  well  nigh  as  old  as  the  world, 
which  you  see  is  worn  quite  threadbare,  and  will  in  a  lit- 
tle time  be  folded  up  as  an  old  garment  of  no  use.  As  to 
my  original,  I  can  tell  you  that  I  am  well  descended;  of 
royal  lineage,  I  assure  you.  Great  Beelzebub  himself 
begat  me,  and  my  sister  Ignorantia,  on  Eve,  the  mother 
of  all  living  on  earth.  When  I  came  to  years  of  matur- 
ity, he  gave  me  Ignorantia,  my  fellow  twin,  to  wife; 
and  by  her  I  had  you,  with  your  worthy  brethren,  Avaro, 
Falax,  Crudelis,  and  your  sisters,  Perfidia,  Concupiscen- 
tia,  &c.  At  the  same  time  my  elder  brother,  Fastosus, 
who  had  Inscientia,  a  lady  of  remarkable  beauty,  given 
him  to  wife,  begat  on  her  Ambitiqsus,  Contumax,  Discor- 
dans,  and  their  sisters  Malevolentia,  Iracundia,  and  a 


OF  DEVILS.  55 

large  train  of  excellent  worthies,  famous  in  the  annals  of 
the  nether  regions. 

As  soon  as  1  was  born  I  stood  up  like  a  stupendous  wall 
betwixt  the  Creator  and  the  creature,  so  that  blessings  of 
a  spiritual  kind  could  not  descend  from  God  to  man,  nor 
could  obedience  ascend  from  man  to  God.  One  of  the  first 
things  I  did  was  to  maim  their  moral  powers,  and  accom- 
plish an  union  betwixt  them  and  my  great  father  Beelze- 
bub. Such  an  union  I  did  establish,  as  nothing  natural 
fchall  ever  be  able  to  dissolve. 

Impiator.  Hal  my  sire,  you  began  very  early  indeed. 
You  spent  little  idle  time  in  your  infancy;  and  proved 
very  successful  in  your  first  enterprise  too! 

ixFiDELis.  I  have  no  reason  to  complain  for  want  of 
success,  I  assure  you.  But  you  shall  hear.  The  very 
moment  I  was  brought  forth,  the  great  Beelzebub  gazed 
upon  me  with  all  the  admiration  of  a  father  iafernal,  and 
said  that  I  was  the  loveliest  babe  his  eyes  ever  beheld. 
Multitudes  of  his  sable  menials,  flocking  together,  were 
likewise  astonished  at  my  beauties.  Such  majestic  grace 
displayed  itself  in  my  countenance,  though  then  but  an 
infant,  that  all  agreed  "  I  was  father's  own  child."  More- 
over, such  were  their  hopes  of  my  usefulness,  that  great 
Beelzebub  and  his  peers  did  v.hat  they  could,  sparing 
neither  pains  nor  expense,  to  have  me  tran^orted  to  hell, 
to  be  nursed  up  at  the  infernal  court,  believing  that  my 
presence  would  greatly  alleviate  their  distress,  and  pre- 
vent their  trembling  on  the  thoughts  of  futurity.  But  my 
constitution  being  altogether  earthy,  it  was  found  by  expe- 
rience that  the  infernal  air  was  too  hot  for  me,  and  that  I 
could  not  live  within  the  confines  of  the  damned.  Earth, 
my  child,  only  earth  is  my  habitation.  Here  I  was  born, 
and  here  I  suppose  I  must  die. 

Lmpiator.  With  your  leave,  father,  I  think  I  have 
somewhere  heard,  that  all  who  are  now  the  inhabitants  of 
the  deep  are  unbelievers.  How  comes  this  to  pass,  if  the 
great  Infidelis  cannot  live  in  those  torrid  regions. 

Infidelis.  I  perceive,  child,  that  you  are  no  great  pro- 
ficient in  theology.  As  for  me,  I  have  dealt  against  di- 
vine matters  all  my  days.  It  is  your  province  to  coun- 
teract moral  principles,  not  interfering  much  with  things 
divine;  and  my  province  to  oppose  truth,  rather  than  pro- 
mote immorality;  therefore  1  shall  inform  you  how  it 
iiomei  to  pass.     Know  then,  that  what  a  man  is  when  he 


36  DIALOGUES 

dies,  such  he  is  in  the  eye  of  the  moral  law  to  all  etemitjj 
for.  death  casts  the  die,  and  in  the  same  posture  in  which 
the  tree  falls  it  must  lie  forever;  but  with  unbelief  they 
never  more  agree.  For  instance,  many  of  them,  whilst 
on  earth,  could  not  be  prevailed  on  to  believe  that  there 
is  a  God;  but  in  hell  they  are  feelingly  convinced  of  the 
truth  of  this  doctrine.  Now  they  believe  that 'there  is  a 
terrible  God,  and  that  they  are  fallen  into  his  dreadful 
bands.  Search  hell  through  all  its  corners,  ransack  every 
furnace  in  the  fiery  world,  and  you  will  find  never  an 
atheist  therein.  Others,  whilst  on  earth,  were  not  quite 
so  stupid  as  to  imagine  that  this  beautiful  world,  and  all 
things  therein,  came  into  existence  of  themselves,  and 
that  the  economy  of  nature  is  wholly  efiected  by  chance: 
therefore  they  assented  to  the  being  of  God,  but  deemed 
it  enthusiasm  to  suppose  that  this  God  should  subject  his 
creatures  unto  a  written  law.  They  sneered  at  the  au- 
thority of  the  scriptures;  ridiculed  every  part  of  insti- 
tuted worship;  and  gloried  in  their  infidelity.  But  now 
they  are  sentenced  to  hell,  and  have  had  a  specimen  ef 
eternal  torment,  they  most  sincerely  believe  tlie  veracity 
of  the  scriptures,  finding  themselves  to  have  been  judged 
according  to  what  is  written  in  them.  Others,  whilst 
health  and  strength  continued  with  them,  supposed  God 
was  only  jesting  when  he  threatened  the  sinner  with  the 
vengeance  of  eternal  fire;  but  now  they  are  in  hell,  en- 
during that  vengeance,  they  verily  believe  that  he  was  in 
earnest.  In  short,  son,  many  of  them  disbelieved  that 
there  is  either  God  or  devil,  heaven  or  hell;  but  now  all 
these  things  are  certain,  even  to  demonstration,  with  them, 
they  having  been  driven  to  associate  with  the  peers  of 
darkness. 

The  very  best  of  historical  faith  is  to  be  found  in  hell. 
There  are  millions  now  inhabiting  there,  v.'ho,  when  on 
earth,  could  boast  that  they  had  good  hearts,  and  believed 
well  all  their  days,  but  who  never  began  in  reality  to  be- 
lieve the  report  of  the  bible,  until  they  tasted  the  sulphur 
of  the  lake.  Then  they  believed  very  sincerely,  though 
very  much  against  their  inclination.  Now  do  you  un- 
derstand me,  when  I  tell  you  that  unbelief  cannot  live  in 
hell? 

Impiator.  Yes;  but  you  amaze  me,  sirl  I  never  heard 
so  much  before.  What  a  learned  devil  you  are!  The  fa- 
mous pope  Helibrand  himself  could  not  have  discussed  the 


OF  DEVILS.  St 

subject  with  greater  accuracy.  One  may  see  from  you 
what  it  is  to  be  conversant  with  popes,  councils,  convoca- 
tions, and  the  clergy.  But  in  our  country  all  the  conver- 
sation runs  upon  horse-coursing,  card-playing,  cock-fight- 
ing, fox-hunting,  \^hore-making,  swearing,  lying,  cheat- 
ing, and  drinking.  Not  a  word  about  religion,  unless  it  is 
to  damn  the  parson  for  a  sanctified  hypocrite.  And  more, 
sir,  I  never  knew  that  I  had  so  many  brethren  and  sisters 
before.  Right  well  I  knew  that  I  was  begotten  by  you; 
but  I  looked  on  myself  as  your  only  son  by  Ignorantia, 
my  mother.  Those  honorable  spirits,  vvhom  you  mention 
as  my  brethren,  I  always  took  to  have  been  sons  to  Beel- 
zebub, your  brethren,  and  my  uncles.  I  should  never 
have  thought  of  a  fraternal  relation  subsisting  between 
them  and  myself,  in  any  other  way  than  co-operation. 

Infidelis.  You  have  been  greatly  mistaken,  Impiator; 
for  Beelzebub  never  begat  a  son  besides  myself  and  my 
brother  Fastosus,  who  is  something  older  than  1.  1  am 
aware  that  there  are  some  who  allege  that  Contumax, 
Crudelis,  Discordans,  &c.  are  the  natural  children  of  the 
great  Beelzebub;  but  it  is  a  mistake,  for  they  are  only  his 
grandchildren,  sons  to  my  brother  Fastosus.  The  very 
m§ment  that  Contumax  was  brought  forth,  our  great  fa- 
ther Beelzebub,  with  all  his  adherents,  were  cast  down 
from  the  ineffable  heights  of  primeval  glory,  to  the  depths 
of  bottomless  perdition;  and,  according  to  a  certain  his- 
torian, were  nine  natural  days  in  falling.  Now,  my  dear 
Impiator,  by  this  account,  Contumax  is  your  cousin,  and 
my  nephew.  So  that  you  are  not  only  a  brother  in  govern- 
ment with  those  illustrious  princes,  but  sprung  from  the 
game  famous  ancestors  with  them. 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sir,  I  am  astonished  at  your  story; 
but  you  know  that  I  am  no  scholar,  and  that  ought  to  ex- 
cuse for  my  ignorance  of  matters  so  profound.  Besides, 
such  things  very  seldom  make  a  great  impression  on  my 
mind,  being  quite  out  of  my  latitude.  However,  I  should 
be  glad  to  know  how  your  extensive  government  was 
established. 

Infidelis.  How  it  elates  my  mind  to  hear  my  dear 
Impiator  express  desire  after  instruction!  I  will  inform 
you  as  far  as  I  myself  have  known.  My  kingdom,  which 
is  indeed  extensive,  was  established  as  follows.  As  soon 
as  I  was  born  I  began  to  call  in  question  the  truth,  good- 
ness and  authority  of  the  Almighty;  and  in  every  respect 

4 


S8  DIALOGUES 

set  myself  to  oppose  the  Eternal,  by  contradicting  everj 
word  which  he  spake  to  man. 

For  instance,  when  God  said  to  man,  "  Thou  shalt  not 
eat  of  the  fruit  of  such  and  such  a  tree^"  although  then  in 
my  infancy,  I  stepped  up  to  man,  and  thus  interrogated 
him:  Hath  God  indeed  said  so?  are  you  sure  of  it?  are 
you  not  mistaken,  think  you?  You  must  needs  have  mis- 
understood him;  for  it  cannot  be  consistent  with  the  good- 
ness of  such  a  being  as  God  is,  to  forbid  your  eating  the 
fruit  of  such  a  divine  tree.  And  as  God  had  said,  *'  In 
the  day  you  eat  thereof  you  shall  surely  die,"  I  address- 
ed myself  to  man  after  this  manner.  Die  tool  nay,  ye 
shall  not  die.  That  is  only  an  empty  threatening,  to  keep 
your  conscience  in  awej  for  God  doth  very  well  know, 
that  if  you  eat  of  that  precious  fruit  ye  shall  be  gods,  like 
himself,  having  knowledge  of  good  and  evil.  For  this  it 
is  that  he  hath  prohibited  the  use  of  this  divine  tree.  My 
brother,  Fastosus,  also  performed  wonders  on  this  occa- 
sion. By  these  means  1  brought  over  man  to  my  obedi- 
ence. Thus  I  established  my  interest  upon  earth,  and 
hitherto  I  have  maintained  it.  With  safety  may  I  say  that 
my  good  friends,  both  parsons  and  people,  to  this  day, 
love  me  as  their  lives,  and  at  any  time  sooner  take  the 
bare  word  of  the  adored  Infidelis,  than  the  word  and  oath 
of  the  God  of  Heaven. 

Impiator.  Why,  sir,  you  began  from  a  child  to  work 
the  delightful  works  of  darkness. 

Infidelis.  Yes,  I  am  the  eldest  of  all  the  Beelzebubian 
offspring,  Fastosus  alone  excepted;  and  I  yield,  in  point  of 
government,  to  none  of  the  princes.  Fastosus  and  I,  in- 
deed, have  a  dispute  between  us  concerning  the  extent  of 
our  earthly  territories.  I  can  freely  allow  him  the  pre- 
eminence with  respect  to  his  angelic  dominions,  but  I  can 
never  be  brought  to  own  that  his  sway  over  mankind  is 
more  extensive  than  mine,  nor  yet  more  sovereign.  I 
yield  to  none  in  this  debate;  for  all  men  are  concluded 
under  my  government:  And  what  makes  greatly  for  my 
interest  is,  that  the  far  greater  part  of  them  cannot  be  per- 
suaded that  I  have  any  real  existence.  Thus  it  is,  mj 
dear  Impiator,  I  reign  almost  universally  over  mankind, 
and  they  perceive  it  not.  Many  thousands  of  those  good 
people,  who  believed  nothing  of  my  existence,  and  who, 
in  their  own  imagination,  had  believed  well  all  their  days, 
have  I  conducted  very  safely  down  to  the  dark  abodes  of 


OF  DEVILS.  89 

tttr-growing  anguish;  within  which  thej  were  bo  sooner 
entered,  and  began  to  taste  of  the  entertainment,  than 
they  were  fully  convinced  they  had  never  believed  aright. 
It  is  the  unparalleled  dexterity  of  our  administration, 
that  all  our  works  are  performed  in  obscurity.  And  let 
me  tell  thee,  child,  it  will  require  a  better  light  than  any 
natural  ray  of  the  human  understanding  to  trace  and  de- 
tect our  deep  intrigues.  Thus  far  with  respect  to  myself 
and  government.  1  shall  take  it  kind  if  you  will,  in  your 
turn,  oblige  me  with  some  account  of  yours,  my  son. 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  your  command  sir Jl  be  instantly 
obeyed;  yet  upon  this  condition  only,  that  you  excuse 
my  inaccuracies;  because  I  know  myself  to  be  the  most 
illiterate  devil  of  the  fraternity,  and  cannot  speak  like  the 
courtly  Fastosus,  the  reverend  Infidelis,  or  the  intelligent 
Falax' 

Infidelis.  No  apologies,  Impiator.  We  all  know  that 
neither  you  nor  your  disciples  have  any  taste  for  learn- 
ing. Tlierefore  we  expect  not  to  hear  you  speak  as  an 
orator,  but  as  a  plain,  illiterate  devil. 

Impiator.  Then  I  proceed.  My  kingdom  doth  not 
consist  of  all  the  land  known  by  the  name  of  Impiety- 
Real,  as  some  geographers  allege,  several  provinces  being 
made  over  by  treaty  to  my  uncle  Fastosus;  such  as  the 
provinces  of  Civility,  Legality,  Presumption,  and  Form- 
ality. I  reign  openly  only  over  the  land  called  Impiety- 
Enormous;  and  in  our  country  the  laws  are  as  black  as 
the  bottomless  pit;  for  there  iniquity  is  established  by  au- 
thority. As  to  the  rest  of  my  kingdom,  it  was,  like  all 
the  branches  of  Beelzebub's  government,  accomplished  by 
subtility  and  guile.  F'or  man,  considered  simply  as  a 
creature,  could  never  have  been  subjected  to  my  sway; 
for  this  reason  I  was  put  to  my  shifts  to  find  out  some 
proper  method  for  introducing  my  regal  power. 

So  violent  was  the  opposition  to  it,  that  my  brain  was 
put  to  the  utmost  torture;  and,  after  all,  I  should  have 
been  obliged  to  return  to  my  native  country,  with  my 
finger  in  my  mouth,  had  it  not  been  for  the  timely  assist- 
ance I  received  from  my  worthy  friends  and  relations. 
My  good  old  mother,  who,  you  know,  hath  an  excellent 
hand  at  a  dead  lift,  by  means  peculiar  to  herself,  kicked 
up  such  a  dust  as  almost  put  out  the  eyes  of  one  of  the 
most  vigilant  and  formidable  of  my  numerous  adversa- 
ries: a  captain,  from  whose  hand  I  had  much  to  fear.   His 


40  DIALOGUES 

name  was  Intellectus.  From  that  tirae  to  this,  he  hath 
been  incapable  of  discerning  my  deformities,  and  the 
danger  to  which  men  are  exposed  by  mj  dominion.  And 
what  makes  very  much  fur  me,  the  old  gentleman  can 
hardly  be  persuaded  but  his  eyesight  is  now  as  good  as 
ever  it  was.  I  need  not  tell  you  the  advantages  that  re- 
sulted to  me  from  this  his  deception.  At  the  same  time 
my  worthy  uncle,  Fastosus,  came  up  to  the  second,  a 
sturdy  chief,  whose  name  was  Volens,  as  tradition  says, 
and  he  gave  his  back  a  most  dreadful  wrench,  insomuch 
that  he  has  ne^  *:•  recovered  his  former  posture.  I  myself 
took  a  poisonous,  or  rather  an  intoxicating  apple,  and, 
having  gilded  it  over  with  leaf-gold,  presented  it  to  the 
third,  whose  name,  if  I  remember  right,  was  Rationalis. 
It  answered  my  expectation.  He  swallowed  the  bait,  and 
ever  since  has  called  bitter  sweet,  and  sweet  he  hath  called 
bitter. 

This  triumvirate  being  thus  disabled,  I  found  my  con- 
quest extremely  easy:  and,  without  any  struggle  on  the 
part  of  the  rest,  I  confined  them  to  incessant  labour  and 
drudgery  in  the  different  parts  of  my  extended  territo- 
ries, where  they  are  as  content  as  possible  with  their  con- 
dition, many  of  them  believing  they  are  still  in  the  garden 
of  paradise. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  learned  or  unlearned,  you  display 
uncommon  merit.  Great  is  my  honour  and  happiness  in 
having  such  a  son.  The  potent  Impiator  will  do  honour 
to  the  venerable  name  of  Infidelis  to  the  end  of  the  world. 
AVell,  my  son,  will  you  please  to  proceed? 

Impiator.  Perhaps  you  have  heard  that  my  kingdom  is 
divided  into  several  cantons,  according  to  the  disposi- 
tions of  my  subjects,  each  canton  having  its  proper  em- 
ployments. ' 

1.  There  is  the  canton  of  drunkards,  out  of  which  I  se- 
lect all  my  courtiers,  and  officers  in  general.  This  can- 
ton has  several  communications  with  all  the  other  parts  of 
my  dominions;  and  this  we  call  the  royal  canton. 

2.  There  is  the  swearer's  canton,  a  set  of  people  the 
most  unaccountably  foolish  of  all  my  subjects;  but  a  peo- 
ple very  profitable  to  our  government. 

3.  There  is  the  canton  of  thieves,  to  which  all  pilferers, 
robbers,  gamesters,  and  deceitful  dealers  belong.  A  very- 
populous  and  splendid  canton  this  is. 

4.  There  is  the  liar's  canton.    These  are  a  people  poa- 


OF  DEVILS.  41 

sessed  of  (wo  tongue?;  a  people  who  have  very  much  of 
the  features  of  great  Beelzebub;  and  a  very  populous  and 
polite  canton  it  is  also. 

5.  There  is  the  canton  of  sabbatli-breakers.  Here  there 
is  hardly  room  enough  for  the  iniiabitants,  they  are  so  ex- 
ceedingly numerous. 

6.  There  is  the  adulterer's  canton.  This  isa  yery  dark 
place,'  seldom  visited  by  the  rays  of  the  sun.  The  for- 
nicators cohabit  with  them. 

7.  There  is  the  murderer's  canton,  the  darkest  and  the 
most  miserable  place  in  all  my  dominions;  yet  for  all  that 
it  is  very  well  peopled.  Fur  here  are  ranked  not  only 
those  who  cut  one  another's  throats,  like  the  Alexanders, 
Tamerlanes,  Philips,  Louises,  &c.  but  also  oppressors  of 
every  sorl;»cruel  husbands  and  wives,  disobedient  chil- 
dren, who  break  their  parents'  hearts,  false  friends,  back- 
biters, and  calumniators.  Luleed  all  v.ho  v/anton  in  the 
unhappiness  of  their  fellow-creatures,  like  corn-factors 
and  carcass-butchers:  so  that  you  see  here  are  many  in- 
habitants, and  that  too  of  considerable  figure.  ]tis  wor- 
thy of  observation,  that  all  the  cantons  have  easy  passages 
from  one  another;  so  that  althoui:;h  the  employment  in 
each  is  different  from  that  of  the  rest,  they  all  hold  com- 
munication with  one  another,  as  subjects  of  the  same 
prince,  and  lieirs  of  the  same  inheritance. 

Yea,  so  numerous  are  the  roads  that  lead  from  one  to 
the  other,  that  if  a  man  gets  into  any  one  of  my  cantons, 
it  requires  no  less  power  than  omnipotent  power,  and 
"wisdom  equal  to  omniscient,  to  extricate  him  from  a  la- 
byrinth so  dangerous.  And  it  is  well  for  me  that  it  is  so, 
for  some  of  my  subjects  are  frequently  terrified,  especially 
those  that  work  in  the  deep  mines,  lest  they  dig  them- 
selves through  the  earth,  and  tumble  into  hell.  But  a 
little  time  discovers  that  their  efforts  to  deliver  themselves 
are  all  inefteclual;  for  the  road  by  which  they  escape 
from  one  canton,  leads  them  into  another  equally  danger- 
ous. Many  ways  there  are  to  throw  a  man  down  into  my 
mines;  but,  believe  me,  if  ever  any  one  comes  up  again, 
it  must  cost  the  Almighty  an  errand  from  heaven  to  rescue 
him.  1  assure  you,  sir,  that,  by  the  help  of  these  subtle 
passages  and  intricate  turnings,  1  keep  my  subjects  en- 
slaved with  as  little  trouble  to  myself  as  any  master  devil 
that  ever  ascended  out  of  the  bottomless  pit.  But,  by 
the  way,  I  am  constantl>  emploved  in  planning  out  fresh 
.  '     4  *    " 


42  DIALOGUES 

measures  for  the  slaves  to  pursue.  Oh!  sir,  the  end  will 
show  that  I  give  ample  demonstration  of  my  fidelity  to 
my  royal  grandfather,  Beelzebub,  of  whom  I  hold  my 
lands  by  fief. 

Infidelis.  My  dear  son,  how  it  rejoiceth  my  aged  heart 
t©  hear  of  your  wise  administration!  However  infatuated 
your  foolish  subjects  may  be,  the  great  Impiator  lacketh 
not  craftiness.  By  you,  my  son,  shal'  my  name  be  per- 
petuated when  I  am  dead  and  gone.  For  I  must  die,  my 
child.  As  soon  as  the  mi2;hty  angel  shall  sound  the  dead- 
awakening  trumpet,  the  great,  the  far-famed  Infidelis  must 
resign  his  breath.  Yet  be  not  discouraged,  Impiator,  for 
you  shall  live  forever.  You  know  how  I  fostered  you  in 
my  bosom,  and  endued  you  with  qualifications  to  sit  on 
the  throne  of  Profanity,  where  so  successfully  you  reign. 
Permit  me  now  to  tell  you,  that  knowing  I  must  die,  I 
have,  like  all  other  wise  people,  made  my  will,  and,  for 
your  encouragement,  1  have  appointed  you,  my  son,  with 
your  uncle  Fastosus,  your  highly  honoured  brother  Des- 
perando,  and  your  cousins  Contumax  and  Discordans, 
the  joint  executors  thereof,  and  sole  heirs  unto  all  my  do- 
minions and  subjects,  who,  at  my  decease,  are  to  be  trans- 
ported to  the  land  of  torment:  there  you  shall  reign  in 
eternal  triumph  over  them.  Then  it  will  be,  and  not  be- 
fore, that  great  Impiator  shall  arrive  at  the  zenith  of  his 
glory. 

Impiator.  I  suppose  so,  sir;  for  I  am  told  that  about 
that  time  the  provinces  of  Civility,  Formality,  Presump- 
tion, Legality,  and  Hypocrisy,  so  famous  in  the  empire  of 
Fastosus,  are  all  to  be  annexed  to  my  dominions,  which 
will  then  be  very  extensive,  and  the  government  of  Pro- 
fanity very  respectable. 

Infidelis.  I  would  ask  you  now,  my  son,  for  a  descrip- 
tion of  those  famous  cantons  you  mentioned;  but  as  af- 
fairs of  importance  call  me  hence,  could  not  you  favour 
me  with  an  interview  for  this  purpose  to-morrow,  pre- 
cisely at  twelve  o'clock.^ 

Impiator.  I  will,  sir:  Fare  you  well. 


OF  DEVILS.  4S 

DIALOGUE  IV. 

FASTOSUS   AND   AVARO. 

Being  privy  to  the  appointment  betwixt  Fastosus  and 
Avaro,  I  took  care  to  arrive  in  the  valley  time  enough  to 
hear  all  that  passed.  For  now  my  business  was  left  to 
shift  for  itself,  and  every  thing  gave  place  to  the  force  of 
curiosity,  which  bore  down,  like  an  inundation,  every 
thing  before  it.  If  my  wife  consulted  me  in  anything,  I 
would  answer,  '*  Fastosus."  If  my  children  told  me  of 
their  progress  at  school,  I  would  abruptly  reply  *'  horrida 
Vallis!"  When  my  journeymen  or  apprentices  talked 
to  me  about  the  shop  business,  my  answer  was,  *'  the 
great  Avaro."  And  if  they  said  any  thing  about  my  good 
Sriend  the  parson,  I  would  say,  "Oh!  the  wonderful  In- 
fidelis!"  In  fact,  I  could  think  about  nothing  but  the 
devils  in  the  valley.  Therefore,  I  took  care  to  provide 
myself  with  every  thing  necessary,  and  away  I  went  to 
the  vale  of  horrors,  and  had  not  long  been  there  ere  I  saw 
Fastosus  and  Avaro  come  travelling  towards  me;  and 
thus  they  began  their  discourse: 

Avaro.  I  am  glad,  very  glad,  sir,  that  you  are  here  so 
soon.  I  w  as  afraid  that  you  would  find  much  business  at 
Paris,  besides  finishing  my  lady's  robes. 

Fastosus.  I  did  find  more  than  I  expected,  cousin;  for 
I  had  no  sooner  finished  with  the  mantua-maker,  than  I 
was  waited  upon  by  a  hatter,  who  begged  to  be  informed 
whether  it  was  most  genteel  to  fix  the  loops  of  a  hat  an 
inch  and  half,  or  onl_y  one  bare  inch  in  depth;  and  whe- 
ther a  gentleman  is  most  of  a  cavalier  with  his  hat  cocked 
in  right  angles,  or  with  one  obtuse  and  two  acute  angles. 
Before  I  had  well  satisfied  the  hatter,  in  came  a  gentle- 
man peruke-maker,  who  humbly  asked  me  whether  a  no- 
bleman looks  most  like  a  hero  when  he  has  one,  or  when 
he  has  two  curls  bobbing  over  his  ears.  Provoked  that  the 
gentlemen  mechanics  should  suppose  I  had  nothing  to  d<» 
but  to  cock  hats  and  adjust  wigs,  I  wrinkled  my  forehead 
into  a  most  majestic  frown,  and  made  the  following  an- 
swer: "Get  hence,  thou  shrinking  cur.  I  have  known  a 
lord  before  now  that  had  his  ears  so  covered  with  tiers  of 
curls,  that  he  could  not  hear  the  commands  of  his  supe- 


.44  DIALOGUES 

riors.  The  brave  princes  Ferdinand  and  Frederick  of 
Brunswick,  and  the  noble  marquis  of  Granbv,  will  soon 
break  through  all  the  redoubts  of  a  barber's  fortifica- 
tions."*    The  words  were  no  sooner  out  of  ray  mouth, 

than  I  was  sent  for  by  his  grace  the  d — e  of  C 11, 

to  inform  him  whether  it  was  most  graceful  for  a  courtier 
to  wear  his  hat  with  the  front  declining  on  the  right  or  the 
left  side  of  the  brow.  To  whom  I  said,  *'  Good  my  lord, 
YOU  may  soon  resolve  this  difficulty,  without  seeking  to 
the  devil  for  advice,  if  your  grace  will  only  mark  well  to 
which  side  of  the  block  the  hats  of  the  vulgar  incline; 
then  be  sure  to  let  the  hats  of  the  courtiers  turn  always 
contrary  to  the  vulgar  method."  No  sooner  had  1  satis- 
fied his  grace,  than  L — s  desired  to  know  which  was  his 
best  way  to  keep  up  his  character,  and  support  his  dig- 
nity in  Europe,  on  the  loss  of  his  dominions  in  America. 
For  answer,  I  referred  him  to  good  Mr.  Maubert,  of 
Brussels,  who  hath  as  good  a  hand  at  a  dead  lift  as  if  he 
had  been  bred  a  priest.  And  so,  cousin,  with  no  small 
difiiculty,  1  broke  loose,  and  am  come  hither  according 
to  appointment. 

AvAiio.  By  what  you  say,  honoured  sir,  I  perceive  that 
wheresoever  idleness  prevails,  it  is  not  among  us;  for  we 
have  no  rest  day  or  night,  but  go  about  plotting  the  de- 
fctruction  of  mankind. 

For  my  own  part,  I  assure  you,  I  have  had  but  little 
rest  since  I  saw  you  last;  and  so  very  fond  are  mankind 
of  my  counsels,  that  I  expect  but  very  little  rest  for  the 
time  to  come.  You  know  I  was  going  to  secrete  a  bag  of 
money  in  the  valley  when  you  and  1  met.  This  was  no 
sooner  done  than  I  was  waited  on  by  a  parson,  who  had 
Ills  eyes  upon  a  good  living,  with  a  view  to  receive  direc- 
tions about  obtaining  it.  And  he  was  followed  by  a  trades- 
man, who  had  a  desire  to  make  a  profitable  break  of  it, 
but  begged  directions  how  he  might  do  it  honourably.  I 
referred  him  to  the  goddesses  Perfidia  and  Fallacia  for 
instructions,  as  they  more  immediately  preside  in  that 
department.  This  honourable  gentleman  despatched,  I 
was  attended  by  a  certain  curate,  who  having  never  had 
inclination  nor  opportunity  to  examine  the  canons  of  a 
certain  church,  came  to  consult  me  whether  it  was  law- 
ful to  christen  a  child  if  the  parents  had  not  money 

*  Thia  was  written  before  the  conclusion  of  the  late  war. 


OF  DEVILS.  45 

enough  to  paj  the  fees.  I  told  him,  bj  no  means;  for  if 
you  once  begin  to  officiate  gratis,  you  will  have  enough 
of  it,  and  the  parson's  trade  will  be  worse  than  an  at- 
torney's clerkship.  The  gentleman  took  my  advice,  be- 
ing determined  to  seek  the  good  of  the  church;  and  truly, 
because  the  mother  had  not  two  shillings  and  sixpence  to 
pay  the  parson,  she  could  not  have  her  son  made  a  child 
of  God,  and  an  heir  of  the  kingdom  of  heaven. 

Fastosus.   Well,  but,  cousin,  is  that  matter  of  fact.^ 

AvARo.  Indeed,  sir,  it  is  what  actually  happened  not 
five  hundred  miles  from  London  bridge;  and  there  is  a 
certain  gentleman  alive  who  could  avouch  the  truth  of  it, 
if  he  thought  proper. 

Having  despatched  the  journeyman  parson,  I  was  sent 
for,  in  all  haste,  by  my  good  friend  the  attorney.  He, 
worthy  gentleman,  has  undertaken  a  cause  which,  he  very 
well  knows,  can  never  be  defended  upon  principles  of  ho- 
nour and  honesty;  but  his  client  is  a  rich  man,  can  well 
bear  fleecing,  and  therefore  he  could  not  in  conscience 
put  him  aside.  He  knows  exceeding  well  how  to  turn 
the  rich  man's  cause  to  his  own  emolument,  if  he  could 
but  manage  it  so  as  not  to  injure  his  own  credit.  That 
was  the  perplexity  which  he  begged  me  to  clear  up.  Said 
he,  within  himself,  *'  Can  I  but  get  this  cause  to  depend 
in  chancery  for  a  few  years,  (which  by  the  way  is  the 
highest  point  in  law  for  a  desperate  cause)  I  shall  gain 
some  hundreds  of  pounds  by  it. "  As  soon  as  he  had  done 
his  duty  to  me,  he  very  humbly  laid  the  matter  without 
reserve,  before  me.  Then  said  I,  my  good  sir,  let  not 
the  suit  disturb  you;  I  will  manage  it  both  for  your  ho- 
nour and  profit,  never  fear  me.  Who  is  he  that  is  em- 
ployed against  you.^  To  which  he  replied,  "Oh!  a  very 
skilful  man.  No  less  a  person  than  the  great  Mr.  False- 
hood: a  very  eminent  attorney  indeed!"  Come,  said  J, 
let  him  be  sent  for.  This  was  done,  and  the  lawyer  False- 
hood attended  accordingly. 

Being  both  seated  in  my  client's  great  parlour,  the  good 
man  addressed  Mr.  Falsehood  thus:  '*  My  best  friend, 
Mr.  Falsehood,  you  and  I  are  engaged  as  opponents  in 
this  suit;  both  of  the  gentlemen  are  resolute,  and  will 
bear  a  good  deal  of  fleecing:  you  know  what  I  mean,  sir. 
Now,  all  is  as  yet  uncertain,  and  the  issue  will  greatly 
depend  upon  the  measures  to  be  taken  by  you  and  me.  I 
would  therefore,  good  sir,  that  we  make  it  certain.     If 


46  DIALOGUES 

right  take  place,  it  will  be  speedily  over,  and  we  shall 
make  but  a  poor  job  of  itj  but  if  it  is  well  managed,  it 
may  produce  some  hundreds  a  piece.  My  advice  is,  sir^ 
that  it  shall  hang  in  chancery,  like  a  poor  man's  soul  in 
purgatory.     What  do  you  say,  Mr.  Falsehood?" 

Mr.  Falsehood  replied,  "  It  will  never  do,  good  sir,  it 
will  never  do,  to  bring  it  to  a  speedy  issue;  that  is  cer-* 
tain.  But  FU  tell  you  what  we  will  do.  You  know  that 
you  have  the  worst  side  of  the  cause,  and  if  I  act  the  part 
of  an  honest  man,  you  will  soon  be  obliged  to  give  up; 
but  I  shall  act  the  part  of  a  skilful  lawyer,  which  will 
suit  both  of  our  purposes  much  better.  I  shall  give  you 
all  the  advantages  that  I  can,  in  order  to  keep  the  cause 
depending  until  the  patience  of  our  clients  is  quite  ex- 
hausted, and  they  agree  to  put  the  matter  to  arbitration. 
As  they  are  both  men  of  resolution,  by  that  time  it  will 
be  a  job  worth  gathering." 

So  having  set  the  two  worthy  lawyers  to  drink  a  bottle 
to  the  good  luck  of  it,  I  left  them,  took  wing,  and  came 
hither.  But  I  can  tell  you,  if  1  had  not  suared  aloft  I  had 
not  been  here  so  soon;  for  I  saw  a  great  number  of  par- 
sons, lawyers,  and  farmers  watching  for  me.  I  gave  them 
the  slip,  however,  and  artfully  dropt  my  influences  upon 
them.  Surely  they  may  allow  their  master  sometimes  to 
converse  with  his  friends. 

Fastosus.  Ah!  Avaro,  when  we  subjected  men  to  our 
powers,  we  planned  out  a  great  deal  of  employment  for 
ourselves:  for  so  fond  are  they  of  us,  that  they  will  do  no- 
thing unless  one  or  other  of  our  fraternity  preside  over 
every  action. 

Avaro.  Sir,  if  it  would  not  be  offensive  to  you,  I  should 
be  glad  to  hear  some  account  of  your  origin,  and  of  the 
nature  of  your  government. 

Fastosus.  Avaro,  a  spirit  earth  born,  as  you  are,  must 
be  too  grovelling  in  his  genius  to  understand  much  of  my 
history,  dominion,  and  operations;  otherwise,  I  would 
with  all  my  heart  favour  you  with  the  relation  you 
desire. 

Avaro.  Well,  sir,  but  I  am  willing  to  learn  of  you,  if 
you  will  condescend  to  instruct  me.  However  untracta- 
ble  I  am  with  mankind,  you  shall  find  me  teachable 
enough  with  you. 

Fastosus.  You  promise  fair,  cousin.  I  love  your  sub- 
mission, and  therefore  shall  begin.     Observe  then,  I  am  of 


OF  DEVILS.  47 

high  parentage,  as  well  as  of  heroi-c  deeds.  I  was  born  in 
heaven,  cousin.  It  was  there  that  Satan,  the  great  arch^ 
angel,  begat  me  upon  himselfj  and  as  soon  as  I  was  be- 
gotten, I  in  return  begat  him;  and  the  very  moment  I  was 
begotten  I  was  brought  forth,  and  instantly  killed  my 
father. 

AvARo.  Indeed,  uncle,  you  start  high.  You  told  me 
that  I  could  not  understand  you,  and  now  I  perceive  the 
truth  of  it;  for  really  I  understand  not  one  word  of  all 
you  have  said.  1  hope,  sir,  you  will  condescend  to  ex- 
plain your  parables. 

Fastosus.  AVell,  if  you  understand  me  not,  I  shall  de^ 
scend  lower,  though,  indeed,  I  hate  to  speak  of  my  own 
affairs  in  a  vulgar  style,  so  as  to  be  understood  by  every 
petty  spirit.  But  as  you,  Avaro,  are  of  excellent  use  to 
my  operations,  I  shall  stand  upon  no  distance,  but  avoid 
all  ceremonies  with  you.  Understand  me  then.  When 
God  Almighty  had  created  all  the  hosts  of  heaven,  every 
angel  was  perfectly  pleased  with  his  station;  the  most 
solid  and  joyous  contentment  reigned  among  them,  and 
united  the  etherial  inhabitants,  who  were,  in  those  days, 
very  numerous.  No  one  so  much  as  wished  his  station 
altered.  No  one  thought  himself  capable  of  higher  feli- 
city and  preferment  than  he  enjoyed.  The  adventurous 
Satan  himself,  though  he  has  not  been  blest  with  one 
moment's  rest  ever  since  I  was  born,  before  that  time  pos- 
sessed all  the  sublime  and  refined  pleasures  his  exalted 
capacity  was  capable  of.  And  well  might  he  be  pleased 
with  his  station,  seeing  he  was  a  mighty  prince  among  the 
angels,  next  in  greatness  to  the  Son  of  God,  who  was  ap- 
pointed lord  lieutenant  of  the  creation.  And  a  mighty 
prince  in  heaven  he  would  have  continued,  had  he  not 
afterwards  become  a  candidate  for  omnipotence.  As  for 
me,  I  was  not  born  then,  but  I  have  heard  old  Satan,  my 
father,  with  flames  of  malice  and  indignation  darting  from 
his  eyes,  tell  how  the  most  perfect  harmony  existed  among 
the  hosts  of  paradise,  until  it  happened  that  a  declaration 
was  made  from  the  lofty  throne,  that  the  Son  of  God  was 
predestinated,  at  a  time  appointed,  to  assume  a  nature  in- 
ferior to  that  of  angels;  and  the  Most  High  commanded 
that,  in  that  nature,  all  the  angels  of  God  should  worhip 
the  Son,  even  as  they  worship  the  Father,  and  that  all 
should  submit  to  the  government  of  the  man  whom  God 
delighted  to  honour, 


43  DIALOGUES 

At  this  instant  I  was  begotten  in  Satan's  alarmed  breast, 
and  cried  out,  'Tis  enough  that  such  exalted  spirits  as 
we  submit  to  him  in  his  present  unincarnate  state.  But 
worship  and  submit  to  him  in  an  inferior  nature,  let  who 
will,  I  will  not.  What  does  he  mean?  will  the  Almighty 
debase  his  first  and  best,  and  make  us  subject  to  an  infe- 
rior nature?  No;  it  shall  never  be  said  that  Satan,  the 
archangel,  stooped  so  low !  The  great  archangel's  voice 
was  heard,  his  resolution  was  approved  of,  the  standard 
of  rebellion  set  up  in  heaven,  and  many  millions  of  an- 
gels, whose  natures  I  had  changed,  joined  in  that  day,  and 
fell  into  the  depths  of  bottomless  perdition.  Now  do  you 
understand  me? 

AvARo.  I  understand  you  pretty  well  when  you  say 
that  Satan  begat  you:  but  you  say,  that  you  begat  him, 
and  millions  of  devils  besides.  It  always  ran  in  my 
head  that  God  had  made  every  devil  in  the  bottomless 
pit;  but  if  I  understand  you  aright,  you  say  you  made 
them  all. 

Fastosus.  True,  I  do  say  so,  and  I  will  not  quit  an 
hair's  breadth  of  my  just  prerogative.  God  never  did, 
nor  ever  could,  make  any  sinner,  either  angelic  or  human. 
Mind  well  what  I  say;  for  1  perceive  you  are  dull  of  ap-^ 
prehension,  and  but  of  a  shallow  judgment.  It  was  not 
I,  but  God,  who  made  them  creatures.  God  created 
them  in  a  holy,  pure,  and  glorious  state,  and  endued 
them  with  powers  to  preserve  their  primitive  station  in 
the  upper  skies:  but  it  was  I,  not  God,  who,  from  angels 
of  light,  transformed  tkem  into  devils  of  darkness.  The 
very  moment  I  was  conceived,  1  changed  them  from  light 
to  darkness;  from  holiness  to  sin;  from  glory  to  disho- 
nour; and  thus,  though  not  as  creatures,  yet  as  devils, 
they  are  wholly  of  my  formation.  Do  you  understand 
me  now? 

AvARo.  Yes,  sir,  I  understand  you  as  to  that;  but  you 
said  just  now,  that  the  moment  you  were  brought  forth 
you  killed  your  father.  Great  sir,  these  are  dark  say- 
ings. 

Fastosus.  Aye,  Avaro,  to  such  as  you  they  are  dark; 
but  I'll  explain  them.  I  did  not  mean  that  I  had  annihi-r 
lated  his  angelic  nature:  no,  he  is  an  angel  still,  although 
a  black  one;  but  I  meant  that  I  slew  all  his  primitive  dis-? 
position  to  goodness;  killed  the  life  of  hpliness  that  once 
was  in  him;  deprived  him  of  the  favour  of  God,  whicl^ 


OF  DEVrLS.  49 

eamc  people  prefer  even  unto  life.  I  made  him  that 
crooked  perverse  monster  which  you  see  he  now  is.  I 
ij>pened  the  overflowing  sluices  of  divine  indignation, 
which  continually  pour  down  upon  him,  whatever  he  is 
doing,  or  v/herever  he  fli«s;  and  not  upon  him  only,  but 
upon  all  his  adherents.  Was  not  this  killing  him  to  pur- 
pose, think  you.^ 

AvARo.  Indeed  it  was.  You  had  not  hurt  him  half  so 
much,  uncle,  if  you  had  deprived  him  of  being.  I  v/on- 
"der  that  he  can  endure  the  sight  of  you,  after  all  that  has 
befallen  him  on  your  account  I  You  have  deprived  him  of 
every  good,  and  brought  every  evil  upon  him;  and  yet  he 
loves  you  as  he  does  his  own  soul.  'Tis  strange!  won- 
drous strange,  FastosusI 

Fastosus.  You'll  think  it  stranger  still,  when  I  tell 
you  that  he  is  so  far  from  hating  me,  that  he  will  do  no- 
thing, either  in  earth  or  hell,  amongst  men  or  devils,  but 
as  he  is  directed  and  prompted  to  it  by  me.  And  so  far 
is  he  from  repenting  of  what  he  hath  done,  that  he  hath 
told  me  a  thousand  times,  if  it  were  to  do  again  he  would 
do  it.  Nothing  grieves  the  heart  of  old  Satan  so  much  as 
this,  the  very  man  whose  exaltation  he  opposed,  whose 
sway  he  resisted,  and  whose  person  he  hath  still  in  the 
most  perfect  abhorrence,  is  dignified,  not  only  by  a  per- 
sonal union  with  Jehovah,  but  by  all  judgment  being 
committed  into  his  hand,  and  the  public  administration  of 
all  the  affairs  of  heaven,  earth,  and  hell  devolving  upon 
him.  Great  is  his  torment,  from  the  consideration  that 
he,  with  all  his  adherents,  must  receive  their  final  sen- 
tence from  the  same  person,  who,  of  all  beings,  he  hate? 
with  the  most  consummate  hatred,  and  on  whose  account 
he  hates,  and  seeks  the  destruction  of,  all  the  creatures  of 
God. 

'Tis  a  perpetual  hell  to  him,  that  the  object  of  his  great- 
est aversion  sitteth  on  the  circle  of  heaven,  and  holdeth 
him  continually  as  with  bit  and  bridle;  limiteth  his  ope- 
rations at  pleasure,  and  sovereignly  appoints  his  license 
by  an  unalterable  determination.  When,  through  con- 
firmed malice  and  desperate  resolution,  Satan  struggles 
for  larger  scope,  Imraanuel  gives  him  a  check,  saying, 
/'  Hitherto  thou  mayest  go,  but  no  farther."  And  some- 
times so  severe  is  the  check,  that  the  prince  of  darkness 
is  quite  overturned^  and,  whilst  sprawling  on  his  back, 

5 


:o  DIALOGUES 

for  very  vexation  that  he  can  go  no  further,  he  rageth, 
and  roareth  louder  than  a  thousand  lions,  so  that  all  the 
arches  of  gloomy  Tartarus  resound.  Then,  in  the  an- 
guish of  horrid  despair,  he  bites  his  adamantine  chains, 
foams  at  his  mouth,  and  utters  such  dreadful  blasphemies 
as  none  but  himself  can  utter.  AVhat  is  the  most  remark- 
able of  all  is,  that  the  more  rapidly  the  torre^it  of  the 
Almighty's  wrath  pours  in  upon  him,  the  fonder  he  is  of 
me,  the  cause  of  all  his  misery. 

AvARO.  Sir,  you  say  that  Beelzebub  will  do  nothing 
without  your  direction.  If  I  understand  this  right,  it  is 
not  he,  but  you,  who  are  governor  of  hell.  Pray,  sir. 
where  are  all  his  princely  prerogatives  then? 

Fastosus.  It  is  not  fitting,  Avaro,  that  you  should  cri- 
ticise upon  my  doctrine.  You  ought  to  embrace  it  impli- 
citly as  I  deliver  it  to  you. 

Avaro.  Pardon  me,  great  sir;  you  put  me  in  mind  of 
some  of  the  modern  parsons:  for  that  is  the  very  way  that 
they  want  their  doctrine  to  be  embraced,  implicitly,  with- 
out questioning  its  currency.  'Tis  merry  enough  to  hear 
them  exhort  their  hearers  to  search  the  scriptures,  to  try 
the  spirits,  to  take  heed  what  they  hear,  &c. ;  and  yet, 
after  all,  if  any  of  their  hearers  attempt  to  bring  the  par- 
son's own  sermon  to  trial  by  the  scriptures,  he  is  deemed 
a  troublesome,  self-conceited  fellow:  and  if  he  happens 
to  disprove  his  doctrine  by  the  scripture,  he  is  presently 
dealt  with,  and  excommunicated  as  a  troubler  of  Israel; 
for  the  parson  would  have  other  people's  doctrine  tried, 
and,  if  false,  refuted:  but  it  is  impious  to  do  so  by  his 
own.  Brave  days,  Fastosus,  are  these!  It  is  quite 
laughable  to  hear  the  modern  clergymen  tell  their  hearers 
that  they  have  a  right  to  private  judgment,  and  to  know 
the  mind  of  God  for  themselves,  and  at  the  same  time 
obliging  them  implicitly  to  abide  by  the  confession  of 
faith  already  authenticated.  That  is,  uncle,  the  clergy 
will  allow  you  to  controvert  the  scriptures  if  you  choose 
it,  but  their  own  articles  must  have  your  implicit  submis- 
sion. 

Fastosus.  Well,  cousin,  you  have  fairly  laughed  me 
out  of  my  resentment,  by  the  droll  conduct  of  your  par- 
sons. However,  what  I  said,  Avaro,  I  will  maintain.  It 
shall  never  be  said  that  the  devil  Fastosus  did  at  any  time 
eat  his  words;  but  I  will  condescend  to  explain  myself, 


OF  DEVILS.  51 

Without  me,  Beelzebub  would  be  none  other  than  an  an- 
gel; but  mixing  myself  with  his  angelic  faculties,  I  render 
him  a  perfect  devil.  The  same  I  do  with  all  the  rest  of 
jny  infernal  subjects.  Beelzebub  himself  is  but  a  titular 
prince.  'Tis  1  who  instigate  him,  that  am  the  great  de- 
vil of  all.  To  tell  you  more,  it  is  I  who  formed  hell  it- 
self, as  a  place  of  punishment.  Such  is  the  rectitude 
and  equity  of  his  nature,  that  God  never  would,  nor 
could,  inflict  any  punishment  without  my  intervention. 
He  was  ever  guided  in  all  his  works  by  his  own  perfec- 
tions, and  therefore  could  never  have  punished  sinless 
beings.  All  beings  would  have  remained  sinless,  but  for 
nie.  So  in  making  sin,  I  made  the  punishment  of  it. 
For  if  once  sin  is  introduced,  punishment  follows  of 
course^  it  being  as  natural  for  sin  to  bring  forth  punish- 
ment, as  it  is  for  the  sun  to  send  forth  light  and  heat. 

No  being  possibly  can  be  a  devil,  but  the  being  who  is 
possessed  and  governed  by  me.  Every  being  thus  pos- 
sessed and  governed,  whether  angel  or  man,  is  a  devil. 
But  for  distinction's  sake,  we  ascribe  only  the  plain  name 
of  fiends  to  the  angels  whom  I  govern,  and  to  men  and 
women  under  my  dominion  we  give  the  names  of  devils 
incarnate,  because  they  inhabit  bodies  of  flesh.  The  dif- 
ference in  the  stature  of  devils  is  not  that  one  is  less  de- 
vilish than  another,  but  their  being  possessed  of  more 
noble  endowments,  and  more  extensive  qualities  than 
others.  So  you  see  the  devils  of  quality  among  us  are 
more  intelligent,  more  subtle,  and  crafty,  than  devils  of  a 
vulgar  race.  The  reason  why  Beelzebub  is  head  over  all 
the  infernal  tribes  also,  is  not  because  he  is  more  depraved 
than  his  adherents,  but  because  he  was  originally  created 
in  a  more  glorious  station,  possessed  of  endowments  more 
exalted,  and  blest  with  more  extensive  natural  powers. 
As  such,  being  once  depraved,  he  is  capable  of  excelling 
his  fellows  as  far  in  diabolical  achievements  as  at  first  he 
excelled  them  in  their  heavenly  station.  The  same  rule 
holds  good  through  the  various  ranks  of  my  subjects. 
Were  you  to  ask  me,  why  it  is  that  devils  without  a  body 
are  capable  of  exceeding  in  sweet  rebellion  those  spirits 
who  are  embodied?  I  would  answer  without  hesitation, 
'•  Not  because  the  one  is  less  vicious,  or  one  whit  less  de- 
praved, than  the  other,  but  for  the  following  two  very 
good  and  substantial  reasons; 


52  DIALOGUES 

1.  Although  T  reign  and  rule  in  the  heart  of  everj  oU6 
of  them,  yet  whilst  they  are  in  the  body  they  are  laid 
under  particular  restrictions  by  the  Ahnightyj  so  that 
they  cannot  do  all  the  evil  which  in  their  hearts  I  prompt 
them  to  do;  and  therefore  they  cannot  be  so  much  like; 
Beelzebub,  in  their  actions,  as  they  would  be.  Fear  and 
shame  very  often  prevent  people  from  gratifying  their  im- 
pious and  unclean  inclinations,  when  a  love  of  virtue,  and 
the  fear  of  God,  are  absolutely  out  of  the  question. 

2.  Because  the  natural  powers  of  man  are  very  far  in- 
ferior to  the  powers  of  infernal  spirits.  The  more  exten- 
sive a  man's  natural  capacity,  the  nearer  he  may  arrive 
to  the  stature  of  Satan,  if  unrestrained  by  the  grace  of 
God.  Hence  a  crafty  and  learned  pope  is  by  far  more 
like  the  devil  than  an  ignorant,  swag-bellied  friar.  Yea, 
Avaro,  the  more  enlarged  the  capacity  of  either  man  or 
devil  may  be,  as  it  makes  him  capable  of  the  higher  de- 
grees of  wickedness,  even  so  in  proportion  to  the  natural 
abilities  of  both  shall  the  punishment  inflicted  be.  No 
M'icked  being  is  so  capable  of  being  wicked  as  the  crafty 
and  understanding  person;  who,  if  he  is  not  truly  vir- 
tuous and  holy,  niubt  be  truly  wicked  and  devilish.  Hence 
one  Hume,  one  Voltaire,  is  an  hundred  times  more  ca- 
pable of  being  useful  to  us  than  fifty  H — w — ds,  or  even 
iive  times  the  number  of  popish  priests.  You  may  take 
this  as  a  general  maxim,  that  the  most  enlarged  soul  must 
be  the  most  tormented,  if  not  saved. 

Avaro.  One  may  see  by  your  learning,  sir,  what  it  is 
to  be  born  among  spirits.  Why,  you  converse  as  freely 
and  fluently  about  the  nature  of  angels  and  men,  as  I  can 
do  about  gold  and  silver  coin.  Great,  great,  sir,  is  your 
merit. 

Fastosus.  How  should  it  be  otherwise,  Avaro,  when 
you  consider  the  subtility  of  my  nature.^  I  am  the  very 
soul  of  Beelzebub,  and  all  his  vassals.  Petty  spirits  may 
boast  of  their  conquests  one  to  another,  but  they  must  ail 
be  silent  when  courtly  Fastosus  opens  his  mouth.  You, 
Avaro,  Impiator,  Discordans,  &.c.  have  all  of  you  made 
as  great  inroads  upon  mankind  as  can  possibly  be  expect- 
ed from  such  unseemly  spirits  as  you  be;  but  as  for  me, 
you  see  I  am  a  spirit  of  a  comely  deportment,  and  caress- 
ed by  all.  Indeed  many  people  are  now  a  days  of  opi- 
nion that  a  spice  of  my  nature  is  absolutely  necessary,  in 


OF  DEVILS.  5S 

crder  to  make  them  respectable  in  the  vvorlrl,  and  prevent 
the  injuries  which  otherwise  might  be  oti'ered  to  them. 
Nor  is  there  anj  who  can  discern  the  fatal  consequences 
of  being  under  my  direction,  except  those  who  are  en- 
lightened from  above,  by  him  who  was  given  for  a  light 
to  the  Gentiles.  I  lodge  securely  in  the  secret  caverns 
of  the  heart,  and  from  thence  1  convey  my  influence  so 
imperceptibly  through  all  the  words  of  the  mouth,  and 
actions  of  the  life,  that  you  rarely  meet  with  a  man  or  wo- 
man who  will  own  that  they  have  the  least  acquaintance 
with  me,  though  with  many  of  them  the  judicious  be- 
holder will  easily  perceive  that  I  am  deeply  concerned  in 
all  they  do  or  say. 

AvARO.  Indeed  I  have  often  heard  people  declare  that 
they  never  saw  the  devil  Fastosus,  nor  had  the  least  ac- 
quaintance with  pride.  Yet  they  said  a  little  spirit  ought 
to  be  shown,  that  every  one  might  know  his  proper  place. 
But  1  perceive  now  that  pride  itself  is  that  same  spirit 
v/hich  they  deem  so  necessary,  notwithstanding  their  sup- 
posed freedom  from  it,  and  aversion  to  it. 

Fastosus.  The  very  same  spirit,  Avaro,  though  they 
do  not  know  it,*  for  I  deceive  them  at  every  turn,  being 
capable  of  transforming  myself  into  so  many  different 
shapes,  and  bearing  a  name  so  suitable  to  each,  that  even 
when  I  lord  it  over  them  with  the  greatest  power,  they 
remain  utterly  ignorant  of  their  subjection  to  me.  Some- 
times I  assume  the  appearance,  and  bear  the  name,  of  my 
avowed  enemy.  Humility.  Tnen  you  will  see  people  of 
fashion,  or  those  who  think  themselves  such,  descending 
lower  than  their  station,  for  no  other  reason  than  to  get  a 
good  name.  At  another  time  you  may  see  me  transform- 
ed into  the  likeness  of  Charity,  and  I  prompt  my  slaves 
to  bestow  their  alms,  in  order  to  be  esteemed  benevolent 
and  generous.  I  have  seen  a  man  of  wealth  and  industry 
perform  such  actions  with  this  and  no  other  view;  and  he 
has  made  his  poor  belly  to  suffer  for  it  many  days  to 
come,  when  at  the  same  time  he  had  his  thousands  out  at 
use.  Then  I  take  upon  me  the  name  of  Decency,  and 
am  greatly  employed  in  regulating  domestic  affairs,  de- 
scending even  so  low  as  to  take  cognizance  of  meat  and 
drink,  dress  and  company.  Then  you  may  see  madam 
extremely  diligent  in  persuading  Miss  Prim  and  Miss  Stiff 
5* 


54  DIALOGUES 

not  to  be  seen  in  the  company  of  those  of  an  inferior  sta- 
tion. Ere  3-0U  are  aware,  I  have  got  the  pride  of  good 
breeding;  and  oh  I  what  wonders  of  fashionable  civilities 
I  work,  and  forward  the  great  designs  of  hell.  At  this 
time  you'll  see  my  lady,  who  having  forgotten  the  fiishions 
prevailing  about  twenty  years  aa:o,  when  she  was  under 
forty,  is  as  careful  as  possible  not  to  deviate  in  the  least 
from  the  customs  of  those  who  were  born  since  she  was  a 
wife  and  mother.  Sometimes  I  be^ir  the  name  of  a  spirit 
of  honour.  Under  this  name  1  prevailed  in  ancient  Rome, 
and  now  reign  over  many  of  our  European  cavaliers.  In 
this  character  I  do  great  execution  among  the  British  gods 
at  the  west  end  of  London,  where  the  greatest  enormi- 
ties are  deemed  excusable,  but  the  putting  up  with  an 
aiTront  an  unpardonable  evil. 

AvARo.  There  would  be  nothing  done,  in  comparison 
of  what  there  is,  among  mankind,  if  we  appearecl  in  our 
own  likeness,  and  went  by  our  proper  names;  for  there 
are  thousands  that  love  us  extremely  while  in  di^^guise, 
who  would  be  ashamed  of  us  if  we  went  by  our  proper 
names  of  Covetousness  and  Pride.  As  for  my  part,  I  am 
fain  to  perform  all  my  works  in  disguise,  bearing  the 
feigned  names  of  Industry,  Frugality,  tS:c.  But,  sir,  will 
it  please  you  to  give  me  some  account  how  you  first  made 
your  entrance  good  amongst  mankind. 

Fastosus.  1  have  already  told  you,  that  as  soon  as  I 
was  born  I  obtained  full  dominion  over  the  adherents  of 
Beelzebub:  this  taught  the  angels  of  the  deep  that  the 
only  way  to  seduce  innocent  beings  was  to  inject  my  na- 
ture into  them;  and  that  the  seeds  of  pride  being  once 
sown,  they  could  not  fail  of  most  abundant  fruitful- 
ness.  Man  w^as  originally  created  in  a  holy  and  happy 
estate,  a  perfect  stranger  to  those  evils  which  now  pre- 
vail over  and  reign  predominant  in  the  natural  and  moral 
world.  You  could  not  have  seen'so  much  as  one  symp- 
tom of  pride  or  covetoasness,  or  other  vice,  either  in 
Adam  or  Eve,  in  their  primitive  state.  They  loved  with- 
out unchastity,  and  enjoyed  without  uncleanness;  nor 
were  they  in  the  least  acquainted  with  the  racking  tor- 
ments of  jealousy.  No  anxious  thoughts,  perplexing 
fears,  nor  distracting  cares,  disturbed  their  peaceful  hearts. 
Eovy,  anger,  shame,  and  resentment,  were  strangers  t» 


OF  DEVILS.  55 

the  new  created  pair,  and  never  set  foot  in  paradise  be- 
fore my  arrival  there.  Their  sole  delight  was  to  contem- 
plate the  beneficence  of  their  God. 

Our  eagle-eyed  angels,  when  they  saw  the  noble  de- 
portment of  man,  soon  perceived  that  he  was  of  the  same 
nature  which  the  sun  of  God  was  predestined  to  assume, 
(for.  as  some  think,  he  might,  out  of  love  to  the  human 
nature,  appear  occasionally  to  the  heavenly  hosts  in  the 
form  of  man,  ^)  for  the  resisting  of  which  decree  they 
were  damned  to  the  depths  of  ever-burning  iiell.  The 
first  discovery  Beelzebub  made  of  the  blessed  situation 
in  which  man  was  created,  filled  his  noble  mind  with 
such  violent  agitations  of  rage,  envy,  malice,  and  pride, 
that  his  fury  burst  beyond  all  bounds.  He  stamped  and 
raged  in  a  most  tempestuous  manner;  insomuch  tliat  he 
fehook  the  sable  firmament  of  hell,  and  brought  his  con- 
federates to  inquire  the  cause  of  his  anguish.  A  council 
thus  convened,  after  the  prince  had  a  little  recovered  from 
the  first  shock  of  transporting  rage,  he  related  to  them 
what  he  had  discovered  concerning  the  inhabitants  of 
Eden,  and  asked  advice  of  his  senators,  who,  to  a  devil, 
vowed  speedy  destruction  to  man.  Some  demur  there 
was  respecting  the  plan  of  their  operations;  for  the  im- 
politic part  of  the  assembly,  finding  the  smallness  of  their 
number,  were  for  having  man  assaulted  by  storm:  but  the 
more  S'-Hge  politicians  voted  for  cralt,  as  the  likeliest  me- 
thod to  seduce  them.  At  last  the  august  assembly  came 
to  this  unanimous  resolution,  ''  That  the  great  Beelzebub 
should,  by  certain  means,  by  him  to  be  devised,  inspire 
them  with  my  nature;"  nothing  doubting  but,  if  that  could 
be  done,  they  would  soon  declare  in  favour  of  the  devil's 
government. 

After  he  had  well  weighed  every  circumstance,  the 
arch-apostate  undertook  the  enterprise;  but  did  not  judge 
it  proper  to  exercise  force  against  them,  knowing  well 
that  if  their  resistance  proved  equal  to  their  power,  all 
his  destructive  measures  must  unavoidably  be  broken,  and 

*  Some  may  think  that  this  parenthesis  is  an  impeachment  of  the 
knowledge  of  Fastosus,  su[)poslng  that  himself  was  ignorant  -whether 
the  Son  of  God  did  or  did  not  assume  the  foroi  of  a  man  in  his  inter- 
course with  the  heavenly  legions.  But  it  ought  to  be  observed,  that 
tuii  judicious  devil  is  relating  transactions  which  were  antecedent  to 
the  time  when  he  profeiiei  to  have  beea  boru. 


56  DIALOGUES 

the  enterprise  miscarry.  Therefore,  like  a  wise  hero 
aad  consummate  politician,  he  resolved  to  accomplish  by 
craft  and  subtilty  what  was  not  to  be  done  by  open  as- 
sault; nor  did  he  think  it  advisable  to  address  them  in 
his  own  form,  lest  he  should  frighten  them  at  his  first  ap- 
pearance, and  by  that  means  render  their  seduction  for 
ever  after  impracticable;  but  judiciously  concluded  that 
the  most  promising  method  was,  to  assume  the  body  of 
one  of  their  familiar  domestic  animals,  which  were  daily 
under  their  observation.  Accordingly,  after  long  consulta- 
tion with  himself,  and  strictly  examining  the  brutal  tribes, 
he  possessed  a  beauteous  serpent,  perceiving  that  it  was 
head  of  the  reptile  world,  and  best  fitted  for  converse 
with  man,  with  whom  also  it  was  more  familiar  than  all 
the  beasts  beside.  Thus  ecjuipped  for  executing  the  deep 
projected  scheme,  he  still  acted  with  caution  becoming 
the  most  consummate  experience.  He  cared  not  to  at- 
tack them  both  at  once,  lest  by  any  means  they  should 
see  through  his  disguise,  and  he  should  occasion  his  own 
repulse;  therefore  he  craftily  lurked  near  them,  and  over- 
heard their  discourse,  that  he  might  better  learn  which  of 
them  was  the  weaker  vessel. 

Being  a  spirit  of  great  penetration,  he  soon  found  that 
the  woman  was  not  only  the  weakest,  but  the  youngest; 
and  what  greatly  encouraged  his  hope  was,  that  the  man 
loved  the  woman  with  the  most  tender  affection,  a  cir- 
cumstance very  painful  for  him  to  behold.  Peace  being 
now  a  stranger  to  his  own  bosom,  it  was  grievous  for  him 
to  see  the  felicity  of  the  human  pair.  In  consequence  of 
these  discoveries  he  made  no  attempts  upon  the  man,  but 
bent  all  his  endeavours  to  seduce  the  woman;  not  doubt- 
ing but,  if  that  could  be  eft'ected,  the  man  would  come  of 
course,  so  strongly  was  he  attached  to  his  yoke-fellow. 

I  would  tell  you  the  whole  now,  cousin,  but  I  must  go 
and  assist  my  lady  Gaiety  to  dress,  for  she  is  to  dine  with 
my  lord  Frolick  to-day.  About  four  o'clock  I'll  meet 
vou  here. 


OF  DEVILS.  57 


DIALOGUE    V. 


INFIDELIS  AND  IMPIATOR. 

Fastosus  and  Avaro  had  not  been  long  gone  before  I 
saw  Intidelis  and  Lmpiator  stalking  up  to  the  rendezvous, 
and,  as  they  walked,  thus  conversing: 

Impiator.  But  is  it  passible,  sir,  that  the  papists  should 
ascribe  an  equal,  if  not  a  greater,  glory  to  the  blessed  vir- 
gin than  to  the  Son  of  God. 

Infidelis.  It  is  not  only  possible,  but  certain;  and,  as 
a  proof  of  it,  I  shall  repeat  to  you  one  of  their  prayers  to 
her;  a  prayer  which  can  by  no  means  be  ofiensive  to  any 
of  our  people:  *'  0  Mary!  the  star  of  the  sea;  the  heaven 
of  health;  the  learned  advocate  of  tlie  guilty;  the  only 
hope  of  the  desperate;  the  saviour  of  sinners.  Thou  call- 
est  thyself  the  handmaid  of  Jesus  Christ,  but  art  his 
lady;  for  right  and  reason  vvilleth  that  the  mother  be  a- 
bove  the  son.  Pray  him,  and  command  him  from  above, 
that  he  lead  us  to  his  kingdom,  at  the  v/orld's  end." 
Here  you  see,  child,  that  although  he  was  believed  by  his 
apostles  to  be  God  over  all,  the  papists  have  f(mnd  out  a 
way  to  put  him  under  the  command  of  his  virgin  mother. 
Not  only  so,  but  they  have  put  him  unJer  the  command 
of  St.  Ann,  reputed  by  them  to  have  been  his  grandmo- 
ther, as  may  be  seen  in  that  famous  prayer,  approved  and 
authorised  by  the  doctors  of  the  Sorbonne,  in  Paris.  I'll 
repeat  the  passage,  being  the  fourth  paragraph  in  the 
prayer.  "  In  homage  of  the  right  and  power  (of  mother) 
which  you  had  over  your  daughter,  (Mary)  and  of  grand- 
mother over  her  son,  and  of  their  (Mary's  and  Jesus's) 
submission,  which  they  render  you."  Here  you  see  he 
is  supposed  to  submit  to  his  grandmother  Ann,  as  well 
as  to  be  under  the  government  of  his  mother  Mary.  1 
could  tell  you  strange  things,  son,  about  the  popish  reli- 
gion, and  I  intend  it  ere  long;  but,  for  the  present,  I 
would  beg  of  you  to  give  me  some  farther  account  of  the 
different  cantons  of  your  devotees.  I  think  they  were 
seven  in  number. 

Impiator.  I  shall  describe  them  to  you,  sir.     And  it 


58  DIALOGUES 

would  be  proper  to  begin  with  the  canton  of  drunkarda^ 
because  that  is  the  royal  canton  where  I  keep  mj  court| 
but,  with  your  good  leave,  I  shall  defer  the  description  of 
it  to  the  last. 

Infidelis.  Son,  your  will  is  your  law  in  this  par- 
ticular^ take  whatever  method  your  thought  ssuggest  as 
best. 

Impiator.  Then  I  begin  with  the  canton  of  swearers, 
the  most  foolish  and  unaccountable  set  of  people  upon  the 
face  of  the  earth.  This  canton  is  divided  into  two  pro- 
vinces, both  which  are  full  of  people.  In  the  first  pro- 
vince dwell  the  false  swearers,  and  the  profane  swearers 
in  the  second. 

The  province  of  false  swearers  is  divided  into  three 
districts^  the  first  of  which  is  inhabited  by  knights  of  the 
post,  a  set  of  gentry  who  get  their  living  by  giving  evi- 
dence in  causes  to  which  they  are  perfect  strangers. 
These  knights  commonly  make  their  court  to  the  c — k  of 
arr — igns,  whom,  they  know,  is  best  capable  of  finding 
them  employment.  It  is  not  a  great  many  years  since  a 
gentleman,  walking  in  the  sessions-house,  in  the  Old 
jiailey,  was  accosted  by  one  of  these  knights  with,  "  Pray, 
sir,  do  you  want  a  witness?  Sir,  I'll  serve  you  as  cheap 
and  as  well  as  any  man."  Gardiner,  bishop  of  Winches- 
ter, formerly  was  a  mighty  protector  of  this  order  of 
knights;  and,  at  this  day,  our  good  friend,  the  father  of 
the  world,  his  worthy  inquisitors,  and  not  a  few  right 
reverend  prelates,  are  head  men  in  the  district  of  false 
swearers.  Many  a  good  Christian  has  been  brought  to 
the  stake  or  gallows  by  their  assiduity,  both  among  papists 
and  pagans;  more  especially  the  former,  who  are  far 
from  being  so  honest  as  the  latter,  and  not  by  half  so 
consistent. 

The  second  district  is  inhabited  by  the  mercenary 
swearers.  This  is  a  race  supposed  to  be  descended  from 
the  knights  of  the  post;  and  to  be  sure  there  is  great  like- 
ness betwixt  the  two.  The  mercenary  swearers  will  buy 
a  piece  of  goods  for  five  shillings,  and  as  soon  as  a  buyer 
presents  himself,  tells  him  that,  upon  his  life  and  soul,  it 
cost  him  six  shillings.  When  he  meets  with  another 
seller  of  the  same  commodity,  in  order  to  obtain  a  good 
pennyworth,  he  shows  him  the  goods  for  which  he  paid 
five  shillings,  and  tells  the  stranger,  that,  "  As  he  hopes 


OF  DEVILS.  59 

to  be  saved,  he  gave  no  more  than  four  and  six-pence  for 
it."  The  dealers  in  horses,  drovers,  and  butchers,  are 
singularly  dexterous  at  this  kind  of  swearing.  In  this 
district  it  is  a  prevalent  opinion  that  a  man  is  not  fit  to 
live  in  the  world  unless  he  can  swear  to  a  lie. 

The  third  division  is  inhabited  by  the  foolish  swearers, 
a  people  the  most  remarkably  stupid  of  any  under  the 
government  of  hell.  Some  of  them  are  so  accustomed  to 
it  from  their  infancy,  that  they  do  not  so  much  as  know 
when  they  swear;  and  are  as  destitute  of  design  in  the 
practice  as  the  parrot  when  it  scolds  the  chambermaid, 
or  as  many  good  people  when  they  say  their  prayers  at 
church.  Others  seem  to  have  such  a  low  opinion  of  their 
own  probity,  that  they  imagine  no  one  will  believe  what 
they  say  unless  every  sentence  is  ushered  in  with  an  oath 
in  the  van,  and  confirmed  by  another  in  the  rear.  Gen- 
tlemen of  family,  fortune,  and  fashion,  are  stationed  in 
this  class,  and  are  extremely  dexterous  here.  Nor  are 
the  officers  of  the  fleet  and  army  less  learned,  or  devoid 
of  those  embellishments.  The  greatest  part  of  the  En- 
glish officers  indeed,  marine  and  military,  esteem  a  man 
not  fit  to  carry  a  musket  unless  he  can  swear  a  hundred 
oaths  in  a  quarter  of  an  hour  without  any  qualms  of  con- 
science. 

The  British  army  so  far  excels  in  this  fine  art,  that  they 
can  fairly  curse  the  French  off  the  field  of  battle  without 
ever  striking  a  blow;  so  terrified  are  the  French  at  the 
oaths  of  the  English.  Aye,  father,  I  assure  you  that  this 
heroic  practice  is  now  so  prevalent  among  the  basest  of 
the  multitude,  that  I  could  pick  you  out  a  low-lifed  boat- 
swain who  will  vie  with  an  admiral,  and  a  dwarfish  drum- 
mer, who  will  swear  with  a  lieutenant-general  for  any 
money.  Yea,  I  could  pick  you  out  a  fellow,  who  cannot 
procure  whole  shoes  to  his  feet,  that  yet  will  match  any 
nobleman  or  esquire  in  the  land  at  swearing.  And,  sir, 
if  honour  consists  in  being  adepts  here,  the  vilest  pedlar 
may  vie  with  the  best  of  the  gentry;  and  the  very  footpad 
may  challenge  a  peer  of  the  realm.  The  canton  of 
swearers  is  a  very  populous  and  very  honourable  place. 
Here  are  dukes,  knights  of  all  orders,  marquises,  and 
earls.  And  a  very  worshipful  canton  it  is  too;  for  num- 
bers of  very  respectable  corporations,  and  many  justices 
pf  the  peace,  reside  in  it. 


60  DIALOGUES 

I  have  often  laughed  to  see  a  delinquent  brought  be* 
fore  a  magistrate,  and  by  him  be  obliged  to  pay  two 
shillings  for  every  attested  oatli,  when  the  magistrate 
himself  had  not  manhood  enough  to  maintain  conversa- 
tion for  ten  minutes  without  being  guilty  of  profane 
swearing. 

Infidelis.  Pray  thee,  my  son,  what  are  the  qualifica- 
tions requisite  to  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  thy  country? 

Impiator.  Two  qualifications,  sir,  only  are  requisite. 
The  first  is,  that  the  gentleman  be  pretty  well  to  live  in 
the  world;  and  the  second,  that  he  shall  bean  obsequions 
tool  to  administration.  As  to  knowledge  of  the  law,  love 
to  the  people,  regard  to  moral  principles,  and  all  such 
stuff,  they  are  altogether  out  of  the  question. 

I  was  going  to  say,  it  is  a  very  religious  canton  too,  be- 
cause here  you  may  find  a  considerable  number  of  reve- 
rend parsons,  both  papists  and  protestants.  As  for  their 
oaths  in  use,  they  are  various,  as  the  fancy  of  the  swearers 
inclines  them.  Some  swear  by  heaven,  others  by  the 
God  of  heaven;  some  swear  by  Christ,  others  by  his 
blood  and  wounds;  some  by  St.  Peter,  others  by  St. 
Paul;  some  by  St.  Mary,  others  by  her  virginity;  some 
swear  by  the  pope,  others  by  his  holiness,  and  by  his  in-f 
fallibility;  some  by  the  life  of  their  sovereign;  some  by 
the  life  of  the  devil,  and  some  by  their  own  lives.  Some 
there  are  who  swear  by  the  church;  others  by  the  liturgy 
und  mass:  and  some,  for  want  of  a  better  epithet,  swear 
by  their  own  eyes  and  limbs. 

IxFiDELis.  Indeed,  son,  these  are  a  set  of  as  foolish 
people,  as  one  would  wish  to  meet  with.  The  devil  him- 
self would  not  wish  them  to  be  more  foolish.  One  would 
wonder  to  see  men  of  distinction,  who  disdain  to  conform 
to  the  vulgar,  in  other  particulars,  rank  themselves  with 
gipsies  and  sturdy  beggars,  in  this  most  abject  and  un- 
manly practice.  Sensible  people,  and  some  there  are  still 
among  men,  do  not  esteem  a  man  the  more  for  his  acres  of 
pension,  but  for  his  virtue  and  good  sense;  and  hence  a 
swearing  gipsy  and  a  swearing  gentleman  are  held  as 
equally  dishonorable.  But  no  more  of  this;  I  intend  not 
to  become  a  moralist  at  this  time. 

Impiator.  I  assure  you,  profitable  as  they  are  to  me,  I 
am  ready  to  crack  my  sides  with  laughing,  to  see  how 
foolishly  they  fight  and  brawl,  curse  and  damn  each  other, 


OF  DEVILS.  61 

and  how  ready  they  are  to  forward  the  devil's  interest, 
notwithstanding  it  is  to  their  own  everlasting  ruin. 

The  second  canton  is  that  of  thieves;  and  a  very  flour- 
ishing canton  it  is,  notwithstanding  we  every  session  send 
a  freight  over  the  Stygian  lake,*  who  no  more  return  to 
their  native  country.  This  canton  being  very  extensive, 
is  likewise  divided  into  several  lesser  cantons.  The  first 
of  which  contains  the  gentlemen  thieves.  A  very  courtly, 
polite,  and  fashionable  set  of  people.  Gentlemen  thieves, 
are  such  who  enjoy  places  of  honour  and  trust,  and  are  not 
careful  of  their  duty  to  their  king  and  country.  It  is  ob- 
servable of  them,  that  when  they  are  out  of  place,  they 
are  the  greatest  enemies  to  corruption,  and  the  stanchest 
friends  to  liberty  in  the  world.  They  are  capable  of  no 
influence,  but  that  of  patriotism,  so  long  as  unprovided 
for;  but  the  moment  their  happy  stars  make  them  place- 
men, they  forget  their  patriotism,  drop  their  enmity  to 
venality,  and  seek  nothing  so  much  as  their  own  emolu- 
ment, leaving  the  public  to  shift  for  itself.  It  is  thought 
that  not  a  few  gentlemen  thieves  live  within  an  hundred 
miles  of  famous  Tyburn;  and  some  people  farther  think, 
it  is  great  pity  that  solemn  tree  is  not  more  frequently 
graced  with  them:  but  in  modern  times  it  is  quite  unfash- 
ionable to  hang  any  but  the  little  thieves.f     Those  gentle- 


*Theauthorhasoften  lamented  the  unhappy,  untimely  end,  of  the 
malefactors  hung  up  every  session;  sometimes  forthings  perhaps  com- 
paratively trilling,  and  which  in  themselves  cannot  merit  so  severe  a 
punishment.  It  does  not  appear  from  scripture,  or  reason,  that  com- 
mon theft  should  be  punished  with  the  gallows;  and  especially  when 
the  matter  stolen  is  of  little  value.  Nor  does  it  appear  to  be  good 
policy  to  deprive  society  of  a  member,  who  might  afterwards  be 
nseful,  on  account  of  some  rash  and  unguarded  invasion  of  his  neigh- 
bour's property.  Hang  them  once,  and  their  services  are  forever 
losttothe  community.  If  other  methods  were  taken,  villany  would  be 
more  successfully  suppressed,  and  the  members  of  society  spared  for 
usefulness.  The  British  senators  must  needs  see,  that  the  hangingtrade 
does  not  lessen  the  number  of  rogues,  nor  the  untimely  end  of  one 
leave  suitable  impressions  upon  the  minds  of  others.  To  be  bound 
to  hard  labour  for  the  space  of  one  year,  would  be  more  terrible  than 
to  be  transported  for  seven:  and  besides,  use  might  introduce  a  labo- 
rious habit,  which  would  render  stealing  unnecessary.  I  am  persua- 
ded, that  to  a  dissolute  young  man,  Avho  hates  labour,  to  be  chained 
to  a  dimg  cart  or  placed'  in  some  other  ser\-ile  station,  would  be  more 
dreadful  than  Tyburn  itself. 

t  If  aa  ingenious  mechanic  should  die  for  filing  a  single  gi^nea;  an 
6 


(52  DIALOGUES 

men  havingno  principles,  above  ambition  and  avarice,  to 
influence  them,  being  once  in  place,  are  capable  of  being 
more  injurious  to  the  commonwealth,  each  of  them,  than 
an  hundred  highwaymen;  and  yet  Tyburn  is  not  honour- 
ed with  a  gentleman  thief,  above  once  in  a  century,  much 
to  the  grief  of  real  patriots. 

Another  class  of  gentlemen  thieves,  are  our  officers  by 
sea  and  land,  who  impose  upon  their  king  and  country, by 
false  musters;  and  in  a  very  peculiar  manner  those  who 
make  their  own  fortunes,  (no  matter  v/hether  in  the  East 
or  West  Indies)  by  the  fatigue  of  their  men,  who  are  left 
to  remain  in  their  original  penury.  These,  together  with 
the  commissaries  for  the  army,  agents  for  regiments,  &c. 
are  all  stationed  here. 

The  second  subdivision  is  peopled  by  what  we  call  the 
fashionable  thieves.  A  prodigious  populous  place  is  this. 
Here  dwells  legions  of  attorneys;  vermin,  who,  for  five 
shillings  worth  of  labour,  will  charge  their  clients  nearthe 
same  number  of  pounds;  and  very  conscientiously  take 
pay,  for  wilfully  perverting  and  defeating  a  just  cause. 
Here  you  may  find  gentlemen,  who  can  procure  witnesses 
to  swear  just  as  you  would  have  them,  and  pack  a  jury 
that  can  give  a  clear  verdict,  over  the  belly  of  the  most 
consistent  evidence.  Such  a  jury  hath,  ere  now,  saved  a 
noble  neck  from  the  deserved  cord,  through  the  all-sub- 
duing power  of  money.  To  this  famous  division  belongs 
the  tradesman,  who  will  take  more  from  an  unskilful 
buyer,  than  he  knows  in  his  conscience  his  goods  are 
worth:  a  thing  very  common  among  dealers.  Also,  the 
wealthy  gentleman,  v/ho,  in  buying,  will  take  advantage 
of  the  indigence  of  the  seller,  and  pay,  if  he  can,  less  than 
the  real  worth  of  what  he  buys.  This  practice  is  now  so 
very  near  to  universal,  that  tradesmen  deal  with- one  ano- 
ther, for  the  most  part,  as  if  they  were  all  known  to  be 
rogues  and  cheats,  and  he  is  the  best  tradesman,  that  can 
best  guard  against  the  villany  of  his  neighbours. 

Here  dwells  the  careful  tradessaan,  who,  if  a  man  once 


extravagant  yonth  be  hanged,  without  mercy,  for  putting  one  in  bodi- 
ly fear,  on  the  highway;  or  a  vain  girl,  in  the  prime  of  life,  be  execut- 
ed for  stealing  a  few  yards  of  lace,  and  others  plunder  the  nation  of 
thousands  with  impunity,  it  shows  that  there  must  be  a  defect  some- 
where. 


OF  DEVILS.  63 

owes  him  five  pounds,  weuld  write  down  five  pounds  ten 
shillings.  This  method  is  so  much  in  vogue,  that  many 
people  dare  not  trust  their  names  on  the  tradesmen's 
books.  As  for  my  friend,  Sir  Roger  Latepay,  he  has  had 
such  experience  oV  it,  that  his  wood  is  in  danger.  In  this 
fashionable  division  dwells  the  tradesman,  who,  conscious 
that  his  own  capital  is  expended,  supports  his  luxury  and 
geandeur  at  the  expense  of  his  dealers;  and  many  such 
there  be  in  town  and  country.  The  avaricious  farmers, 
manufacturers  and  householders,  who  make  their  servants 
and  mechanics  work  under  their  usual  wages,  from  the 
pretence  of  deadness  of  trade,  &c.  The  buyer,  who  is 
conscious  of  his  present  inability,  and  spends  without  any 
probable  view  of  being  hereafter  able  to  pay,  dwells  in 
the  very  heart  of  this  division;  and  hard  by  him  dwells 
the  father,  who,  to  gratify  a  depraved  taste,  squanders 
away  his  estate,  to  the  defrauding  of  his  wife  and  chil- 
dren.    All  of  these,  sir,  are  very  fashionable  people. 

The  third  division  is  that  of  holy  thieves.  That  is,  men 
whose  theft  is  in  holy  things.  By  holy  thieves,  I  mean 
unholy  men,  sustaining  holy  offices.  Such  is  he,  who  en- 
ters into  orders,  merely  for  the  sake  of  a  good  living. 
All  who  climb  over  the  vv'all,  and  come  not  in  by  the  door, 
are  thieves  and  robbers.  Thieves,  because  they  steal  the 
portion  of  the  priests:  for,  having  no  right  to  the  sacerdo- 
tal function,  their  participation  of  the  altar  is  sacrilegious 
theft.  Robbers,  because  they  make  havoc  of  the  church, 
and  deprive  God's  children  of  the  food  allowed  them  by 
their  heavenly  father.  Here  dwells  shoals  of  popish 
priest--^,  and  very  considerable  numbers  of  protestant  cler- 
gy, of  various  denominations,  as  well  as  the  total  sum  of 
pagan  and  mahometan  mufties.  His  holiness  the  pope  of 
Rome,  is  indeed  president  in  this  division,  for  he  steals 
the  prerogatives  of  God  and  applies  them  to  his  own  pri- 
vate use. 

The  fourth  division  in  the  canton  of  thieves,  are  those 
whom  we  call  the  sporting  thieves.  Such  are  card-play- 
ers, coclv-fighters,  horse-coursers,  and  gamblers  of  all 
sorts.  I  know  of  none  of  my  sporting  subjects,  but  what 
will  win  if  they  can,  either  by  upright,  or  inequitable 
means.  Therefore,  with  us  it  is  an  established  maxim, 
that  the  true  gambler  is  the  certain  thief.  Here  too  you 
may  find   princes,  nobles,  spiritual  and  temporal,  and 


64  DIALOGUES 

judges  of  every  rank.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  how  hare  I  been 
ready  to  split  my  sides  with  laughing,  to  see  an  arch- 
bishop lay  aside  his  mitre,  and  take  up  a  pack  of  cards; 
and  the  saered  judge,  after  having  passed  sentence  on  a 
criminal,  lay  aside  all  his  solemnity,  and  put  on  the 
sprightly  sportsman.  Then,  cried  I,  0!  thebenchi  0!  the 
pulpit!  0!  the  gambler! 

The  fifth  division  in  the  canton  of  thieves,  is  inhabited 
by  what  we  call  fantastic  thieves.  A  very  contemptible 
canton  this  is  with  sensible  people.  Yet  foolish  as  they 
are  with  their  nostrums,  they  make  it  appear,  that  there 
are  people  more  foolish  than  themselves;  for  they  pick  the 
pockets  of  the  neighbouring  cantons  very  cleverly.  Here 
dwell  your  Daffies,  Godfries,  Stoughtons,  Fluggers,  Low- 
thers,  Jameses,  Turlingtons,  &c.  Here  the  famous  Mr. 
Mountebank  is  president,  and  Mr.  Andrew  Archee  is  his 
deputy.  In  this  division  nothing  is  heard  of  but  pills, 
lozenges,  troches,  balsams,  elixirs,  drops,  cordials,  and 
the  ready  coin;  for  the  fantastical  thieves  can  give  no 
credit. 

The  sixth  division  consists  of  plain  honest  highwaymen. 
Honest,  when  compared  with  many  of  the  others;  for 
when  they  are  about  to  rob  a  man,  they  very  honestly  tell 
him  their  design,  and  stake  but  a  few  high  words,  and  the 
mouth  of  the  pistol,  against  the  purse  and  all  that  is  in  it, 
which,  notwithstanding  the  odds  be  greatly  on  the  travel- 
ler's side,  the  highwayman  carries  lightly  off,  with  the 
watch  into  the  bargain.  Whereas  many  of  the  gentlemen 
thieves,  carry  on  their  work  so  slily,  that  you  know  not 
their  intention  of  robbing  you,  until  long  after  the  robbery 
is  committed.  0 !  Tyburn,  Tyburn,  thou  hast  long  groan- 
ed for  such  men  as  these! 

Here  too  are  many  venerable  priests,  who,  by  pretend- 
ed pardons,  dispensations,  &c.  play  the  pick-pocket  to 
great  advantage.  Much  could  1  say  about  this  class  of 
veterans  in  the  thieving  trade,  were  I  not  afraid  of  excit- 
ing their  resentment,  which  would  be  very  detrimental  to 
my  designs,  as  they  lead  the  consciences  of  the  laity  just 
which  way  they  please. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  my  son,  by  your  account  of  thera, 
the  highwaymen  and  pick-pockets,  are  less  prejudicial  to 
society,  than  many  who  are  held  to  be  men  of  great  re- 
nown. 


OF  DEVILS.  65 

Impiator.  Av,  sir,  a  thousand  times,  and  I  can  tell 
yoa  that  some  of  the  greatest  of  names  are  enrolled  in  the 
annals  of  this  canton  of  thieves.  There  are  the  Grecian 
and  Roman  heroes,  almost  in  general,  particularly  great 
Alexander,  and  Julius  Caesar.  There  is  Tamerlane,  there 
is  Kouli   Khan,  there  is  Philip  of  Spain,   and  there  is 

L s  of  France,  who  has   as  good    an  inclination  to 

thieving  as  any  body.  Poor  gentleman,  it  is  not  half  a 
century  since  he  put  forth  his  hand  to  pick  the  pocket  of 
George,  king  of  Britain;  but  he  got  his  fingers  most  woful- 
ly  bitten,  before  he  could  pull  them  in  again.  But  what  is 
bred  in  the  bones  will  never  be  out  of  the  flesh;  therefore, 
as  the  English  did  not  take  care  effectually  to  secure 
themselves  when  they  had  it  in  their  power,  they  must 
expect  further  experience  of  French  theft. 

Infidelis.  One  would  have  thougiit  that  the  English 
have  had  so  many  instances  of  royal  theft,  from  that  quar- 
ter, that  they  would  have  eff"ectually  prevented  future 
danger  from  thence.  Nor  are  orar  good  friends  the  Spa- 
niards less  inclined  to  the  thievish  practice  than  their 
neighbours.  Witness  Peru  and  Mexico,  those  once  opu- 
lent and  populous  kingdoms  which  now  belong  to  them, 
in  the  same  manner  as  the  purse  of  gold  belongs  to  the 
highwayman,  who  took  it  from  the  gentleman  he  mur-' 
dered. 

Impiator.  Ay,  sir,  great  thieves  are  abundantly  more 
hurtful  to  mankind,  than  thieves  of  a  dwarfish  size;  though 
famous  Tyburn,  and  the  places  akin  to  it,  seldom  have 
the  honour  of  ushering  them  into  the  other  world. 

The  third  canton  is  the  liars'  canton,  a  people  with  dou- 
ble tongues,  and  of  the  nature  of  an  otter,  amphibious. 
The  great  Beelzebub  is  grand  president  here,  but  is  repre- 
sented by  two  famous  deputies,  namely,  the  artful  Maho- 
met, and  the  good  old  gentleman  at  Rome.  Of  the  two, 
the  latter  is  most  in  favour  at  courts  because  Beelzebub 
says,  he  is  so  very  much  of  his  own  image;  although,  it 
must  be  owned,  Mahomet  bears  a  very  great  resemblance. 
All  the  holy  fathers,  my  lords  the  inquisitors,  with  their 
assistant  familiars.  All  the  venerable  patriarchs,  and 
princely  cardinals,  reside  in  the  metropolis,  near  the  ex- 
change, in  the  principal  street,  which  is  a  straight  tho- 
roughfare to  hell.  The  bishops,  of  both  ranks,  are  sta- 
tioned next  to  them,  and  greatly  facilitate  the  journey  of 
*6 


66  DIALOGUES 

passengers.  The  very  populous  suburbs  are  inhabited  by 
the  sons  ©f  St.  Ignatius;  than  whom,  none  are  more  ex- 
cellent at  the  arts  of  lying  and  evasion.  And  here  too  are 
abundance  of  friars,  of  every  order,  who,  though  less  craf- 
ty than  the  Jesuits,  are  very  diligent  in  the  great  work  of 
deceit.  In  this  country,  politeness  and  learning  have  ar- 
rived at  the  greatest  perfection.  Here  are  abundance  of 
courtiers,  and  statesmen,  besides  atheists  and  deists, 
highly  esteemed  by  our  people,  for  their  learning  and 
sense. 

The  famous  court  liars,  are  like  a  dead  fish.  They  al- 
ways swim  with  the  stream  of  power.  They  are  for  or 
against  stamp-acts,  and  general  warrants,  just  as  the  senti- 
ments of  their  superiors  direct.  They  are  protestants,  or 
intolerant  papists,  or  neither,  just  as  their  prince  is  inclin- 
ed, or  as  their  own  interests  require.  Their  consciences 
are  tender  as  a  willow,  and  will  turn  any  way  with  the 
application  of  a  purse  of  gold,  a  place,  a  pension,  or  a 
peerage.  When  it  serves  their  low  and  base  purposes, 
you  will  find  them  patriots;  but  if  the  good  of  the  nation 
clashes  with  their  sinister  views  you  may  find  them  trai- 
tors, either  to  church  or  state,  or  to  both.  Of  this  class 
were  Bonner  and  Gardiner,  zealous  protesants  in  the  days 
of  Edward  the  Sixth,  and  bloody  papists  in  the  reign  of 
his  sister  of  scarlet  memory.  To  this  class  also  belonged 
Sharp,  the  archbishop  of  St.  Andrews;  for  it  was  not  con- 
viction, but  gold,  that  changed  his  sentiments  from  pres- 
bytery to  prelacy.  All  the  arguments  which  my  lords, 
the  bishops  of  England,  had  advanced,  made  no  more  im- 
pression upon  him,  than  an  arrow  would  have  made  upon 
a  rock  of  flint;  but  when  his  majesty  came,  in  a  rhetorical 
manner,  to  press  him  home  with  a  heavy  purse  of  gold,  a 
coach  and  six,  and  a  bishopric,  he  was  quite  confounded, 
and  had  not  a  word  to  say  for  mother  kirk  of  Scotland. 
Such  court  arguments    as  this,  sir,    stop  the  mouths   of 

many  a  patriot;  Lord  C m  is  a  recent  proof  of  this. 

Such  was  the  force  of  his  elocution  that  it  could  gain  bat- 
tles, subdue  states,  reverse  laws,  and  make  placemen 
tremble,  until  he  was  unhappily  confounded  by  a  place, 
a  pension,  and  a  peerage;  and  now,  poor  gentleman,  he 
has  nothing  left  to  gratify  his  ambition,  but  the  melancho- 
ly reflection  of  what  he  once  was. 

There  is  another  herd  of  court  liars,  (excuse  the  phrase, 


OF  DEVILS.  67 

sir,  because  it  is  the  common  opinion,  that  of  all  vermin, 
court  liars  are  the  most  detestable)  who  fawn  like  a  spa- 
niel upon  every  prince  that  ascends  the  throne,  in  order 
to  ingratiate  themselves  into  his  favour,  thereby  to  make 
sure  of  their  own  emolument.  If  the  manners  of  the 
prince  are  ever  so  dissolute,  they  caress  him  as  their  most 
wise  and  amiable  monarch.  Though  he  were  as  much  of 
a  dastard  as  Sardanapolus,  they  will  persuade  him  that  he 
>?ill  vie  with  Hector  for  magnanimity.  If  he  is  a  drunk- 
ard, or  glutton,  they  will  flatter  him  with  his  temperance; 
or  represent  his  luxury  as  a  princely  virtue,  very  becom- 
ing a  royal  personage;  even  if  one  half  of  his  subjects  be 
famishing  for  want  of  bread.  Some  of  those  court  liars 
will  tell  their  prince,  that  it  is  no  crime  at  all  for  him  to 
enter  his  neighbour's  territories,  and  murder  twenty  or 
thirty  thousand  of  his  subjects,  though  there  is  really  no 
cause  given  on  their  part,  for  the  hostile  invasion.  Some 
such  villains  precipitated  Lewis  of  France  into  a  war  with 
Britain,  which  would  infallibly  have  proved  his  ruin,  had 
he  not  been  well  befriended  by  some  people  near  St 
James's. 

A  truly  patriotic  courtier  is  a  strong  pillar  to  the  throne, 
but  court  liars  are  the  destruction  of  that  prince  whose 
ear  they  govern. 

It  is  my  opinion,  that  a  prince  has  need  either  to  be  a 
very  wise  man  himself,  or  to  have  very  honest  men  about 
him.  Happy  is  that  nation,  who  has  a  wise  and  prudent 
king,  and  at  the  same  time  honest  and  faithful  ministers. 
Earthly  thrones  are  so  infested  with  fawning  flatterers, 
that  if  the  prince  is  not  very  well  acquainted  with  his  Bi- 
ble, it  is  difficult  for  him  to  know,  whether  he  is  virtuous 
or  vicious. 

Infidelis.  That  is  a  book  in  little  esteem.  Great  men 
are  for  the  most  part  too  polite  to  trouble  themselves  with 
its  contents,  because  they  are  so  unfavourable  to  their 
practices. 

Impiator.  True,  and  by  those  means  princes  are  the 
more  readily  deceived.  For  a  mitred  courtier  may,  per- 
haps, tell  his  prince,  that  it  is  lawful  for  a  royal  person- 
age, to  debauch  the  wife  or  daughter  of  one  of  an  inferior 
rank,  but  unlawful  for  a  plebian;  notwithstanding  his  spi- 
ritual lordship  knows  very  well,  that  when  God  said, 
"Whoremongers  and  adulterers  I  will  judge,"  he  exempt- 


68  DIALOGUES 

ednot  the  prince  any  more  than  the  peasant;  for  with  him 
there  is  no  respect  of  persons,  on  account  of  their  worldly 
dignity. 

Another  right  reverend  courtier  tells  his  prince,  that  it 
is  allowable  enough  in  him,  on  the  Sabbath,  after  the  irk- 
some service  is  over  at  church,  to  divert  himself  with  a 
quiet,  civil  game  at  chess,  quadrille,  or  whatever  his  pious 
inclination  leads  him  to;  and  that  it  may  be  lawful  for 
some  favourite  nobility  to  assist  at  the  sport;  but,  says 
he,  it  is  utterly  unlawful  for  the  husbandman  and  low 
mechanic ;  though  the  downy  doctor  knows  well  e- 
nough,  that  when  the  Almighty  sanctified  the  Sab- 
bath, it  was  not  a  part  only,  bat  the  whole  Sabbath  he 
intended. 

IxFiDELis.  Well,  Impiator,  whatever  license  the  right 
reverends  allow  at  court,  their  sable  brethren  in  the  coun- 
try are  not  less  indulgent;  for  in  most  parishes  in  Eng- 
land, the  people  may  swear  or  pray,  get  drunk  or  commu- 
nicate, go  to  church  or  stay  at  home,  get  to  heaven  or 
hell,  just  as  their  inclination  leads  them,  for  any  concern 
his  reverence  the  parson  gives  himself,  provided  always 
he  is  not  cheated  of  his  dues. 

Impiator.  I  know  I  am  well  befriended  by  many  cler- 
gyman. But  to  return  to  the  prince,  I  assure  you  I  have 
often  thought  that,  of  all  men,  it  is  the  greatest  difficulty 
for  him  to  be  a  good  man,  and  get  safe  to  heaven :  he  has  so 
many  about  him,  who  are  base  enough  to  commend  even 
his  vices,  and  but  very  few  who  love  him  well  enough  to 
correct  his  errors.  But  if  I  become  a  moralist  now, 
you'll  suppose  I  act  out  of  character.  However, 
though  many  have  exhausted  all  their  wit  and  good 
nature  upon  the  court  liars,  they  are  still  the  same; 
they  lie  as  fast  as  ever  for  the  sake  of  money,  estates, 
high  places,  &.c.  therefore  some  people  call  them  mer- 
cenary liars. 

But  many  of  the  inhabitants  of  this  canton  are  less  am- 
bitious, and  will  very  freely  tell  lies  for  a  penny  gain; 
amongst  those  are  the  travelling  tradesmen,  who  carry 
their  shops  upon  their  backs.  Them  we  call  the  petty 
dealers,  and  the  humble  liars.  But  we  have  others  more 
generous  still,  who  will  give  you  a  lie  fresh  from  the 
mint,  with  no  other  view  but  to  raise  a  laugh.  These  we 
call  the  merry  liars,   because  they  go  laughing  to  hell. 


OF  DEVILS.  69 

Others  we  havo,  who  stand  in  the  capacity  of  god-fathers 
and  god-mothers,  who  very  roundly  promise  and  vow  for 
to  do,  for  the  child,  what  they  never  intend  to  perform. 
Some  people  call  them  the  fool-hardy  liars.  Next  to 
them  reside  a  very  venerable  tribe,  called  by  the  name  of 
reverend  liars.  Reverend,  because  in  holy  orders,*  and 
liars,  because  they  tell  my  lord  bishop,  that  they  are 
moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  to  take  upon  them  the  ofi&ce 
of  a  deacon,  whereas  they  are  moved  by  the  hope  of 
a  good  living,  not  knowing  that  there  is  such  a  being 
as  the  Holy  Ghost;  and  deeming  it  enthusiasm  to  pro- 
fess to  be  moved  by  him.  When  once  put  into  orders, 
and  a  benefice,  those  worthy  gentlemen  rave  against 
all  who  profess  to  be  influenced  in  their  devotion,  by 
the  Holy  Spirit,  as  fanatics,  enthusiasts,  and  madmen. 
Now,  either  my  good  friend  the  parson  lies  to  my  lord 
bishop,  or  his  congregation;  but  tlie  truth  is,  he  lies  to 
both. 

The  fourth  canton  is,  that  of  sabbath-breakers,  which  is 
a  very  populous,  polite  and  opulent  canton  indeed.  The 
far  greater  part  of  the  nobility,  and  other  gentlemen  of 
rank  and  fortune,  reside  here.  They  are  too  well-bred  to 
worship  God  on  Sunday,  in  public  or  private.  They 
scorn  to  suppose  themselves  indebted  to  the  Almio;htyfor 
life,  and  breath,  and  all  things;  or  to  be  accountable  to 
him  for  the  use  they  make  of  their  time,  estates,  and  ta- 
lents. They  leave  it  to  the  low-lifed  mechanics,  to  go  to 
church  or  meeting,  or  when  there,  to  be  devout,  and  take 
notice  of  what  they  are  about.  liet  the  parson  talk  about 
heaven,  or  hell,  or  what  they  will,  they  are  unconcerned, 
never  once  supposing  themselves  endued  with  immortal 
souls. 

There  is  my  good  friend,  my  lord  Timelagg,  a  noble- 
man of  the  first  distinction;  he  is  so  taken  up  through  the 
week,  with  contriving  how  to  provide  for  himself  and  his 
creatures,  that  he  is  in  no  condition  to  go  to  church  on  Sun- 
day, but  chooses  some  convenient  part  of  it  for  an  airing, 
either  in  the  coach  with  my  lady,  or  on  horseback  with 
his  cousin  'squire  Idle.  Mrs.  Housekeeper  also  is  very 
closely  employed  in  preparing  tea  and  chocolate  against 
their  return.  Mr.  Steward  is  very  busy  in  preparing  his 
rent  rolls,  studiously  contriving  how  to  extract  an  estate 
for  himself,  out  of  his  master's,  so  that  he  cannot  go  to 


70  DIALOGUES 

church  at  any  rate.  The  footman,  and  my  lady's  woman 
must  needs  attend  their  master  and  mistress;  the  coach- 
man and  postillion  must^uide  the  machine;  the  butler  and 
groom  must  be  within  call,  one  to  take  care  of  the  horses, 
and  the  other  to  furnish  with  claret  or  champaign;  so  that 
the  minister  is  very  little  obliged  to  his  lordship  for  find- 
ing him  an  auditory  to  preach  to. 

The  London  tradesmen  come  up  as  near  to  his  lord- 
ship's example  as  their  circumstances  will  admit  of. 
Their  spirits  are  quite  exhausted  with  the  fatigues  of 
weekly  business;  therefore,  instead  of  leading  their  fami- 
lies duly  to  church,  you  may  meet  squadrons  of  them 
every  Saturday  night  and  Sunday  morning,  going  to  re- 
gale themselves  with  a  Sunday's  pleasure,  which  consists 
in  eating,  carousing,  and  riding. 

Then  there  is  your  sabbath  day  visiters;  very  genteel 
people.  The  tea  table  gossips  are  much  concerned  here: 
you  may  find  hundreds  of  tables,  the  conversation  of  which 
is  supported  at  the  expense  of  the  reputation  of  some  ab- 
sent. For  it  must  be  observed  that  our  gossips  are  so  ab- 
solutely destitute  of  innate  ideas,  and  are  such  perfect 
strangers  to  the  affairs  of  civil  life,  that  they  cannot  sup- 
port conversation  five  minutes  at  a  sitting  but  by  the  help 
of  slander.  Hence  some  people  have  said  that  slander  is 
the  very  soul  of  conversation.  And  sure  enough,  if  yoa 
pick  out  all  the  slanderous  expressions  from  the  conversa- 
tion of  our  gossips,  you  will  have  but  a  very  scanty  frag- 
ment remaining. 

There  are  others  so  given  up  to  indolence,  that  they 
keep  great  part  of  the  Sabbath  in  bed,  on  a  couch,  or  in 
the  easy  chair.  These  people  are  so  exceedingly  opprest 
with  the  weight  of  their  own  bodies  that  they  can  attend 
at  neither  church  nor  chapel,  although  active  enough  the 
other  parts  of  the  week;  and  yet  they  are  good  christians, 
and  hope  to  go  to  heaven  when  they  die:  and  yet  they 
seldom  think  of  any  thing  but  living  for  ever;  in  order  to 
which  they  eat,  drink,  and  sleep  away  the  sabbath.  These 
go  by  the  name  of  lazy  sabbath-breakers;  and  all  who  are 
employed  the  whole  morning  in  preparing  superfluities 
for  dinner  live  along  with  them. 

Another  class  of  sabbath-breakers  consists  of  the  petty 
dealers,  who  buy  or  sell  commodities,  for  back  or  belly, 
on  the  sabbath  day.     We  call  them  the  mistrustful  sab- 


OF  DEVILS.  n 

bath  breakers,  because  they  cannot  trust  God  with  their 
customers;  and  slothful  sabbath  breakers,  because  they  do 
not  provide  for  their  families  on  the  six  days  appointed 
for  labour.  England,  with  all  its  bravery,  is  horribly  dis- 
graced by  a  set  of  profane  people,  such  as  grocers,  chan- 
dlers, butchers,  barbers,  and  bakers,  who  will  not  miss  the 
taking  a  penny  on  the  sabbath  any  more  than  another 
day.  Besides  them,  there  are  tailors,  mantua  and  shoe- 
makers, who,  with  their  late  finishes,  make  great  en- 
croachments on  the  sabbath,  and  that  in  the  most  open 
manner. 

Infidelis.  I  thought  in  England  the  law  had  made 
provision  against  sucii  enormous  breaches  of  the  sabbath, 

Impiator.  Yes,  the  lavv's  do  indeed  make  provision  for 
the  suppression  of  such  vices;  but  I  have  the  pleasure  of 
seeing  the  enforcing  of  those  laws  very  often  left  with 
people  who  are  entirely  devoted  to  my  interest;  so  the 
laws  are  frequently  asleep  when  I  am  awake,  and  upon 
my  rounds. 

But  there  is  another  tribe,  against  whom  there  is  no  hu- 
man law.  I  mean  the  thinking  sabbath-breakers;  a  care- 
ful industrious  set  of  people,  esteemed  by  all,  and  known 
but  to  few.  They  are  constantly  employed  through  the 
week,  and  are  glad  of  the  Sabbath's  approach,  that  they 
may  repair  their  bodily  fatigue,  and  give  a  free  scope  to 
their  plodding  minds.  When  they  awake  on  the  Sabbath 
morning,  they  are  deeply  contemplating  some  transac- 
tions of  the  past  week,  or  concerting  measures  proper  to 
be  followed  in  the  ensuing.  Nor  does  the  man  alter  his 
subject  when  he  goes  to  church.  No,  he  is  quite  uniform. 
Try  him,  and  you  will  find  him  all  of  a  piece.  Let  the 
parson  choose  what  subject  he  will,  the  other  sticks  to  his 
text;  so  that  it  often  happens  when  the  minister  thinks 
bis  auditory  is  collected,  and  the  bulk  of  his  parish  ap- 
pear at  church,  he  is  mistaken;  for  the  greatest  part  of 
those  whom  he  thinks  to  be  present  are  only  there  in  ap- 
pearance; their  minds,  tlieir  better  part,  being  absent  on 
other  occasions. 

For  instance,  the  parson  sometimes  thinks  that  he  sees 
•squire  Folly,  and  madam  his  lady,  in  the  front  pew  of  the 
right  hand  gallery:  but  he  is  mistaken;  for  only  their  bo- 
dies are  there;  their  minds  are  absent.  As  for  the  'squire, 
he  is  busy  chasing  the  hare  or  fox  over  all  the  hedges  and 


n  DIALOGUES 

ditches  in  bis  manor;  and  his  lad  j  is  mentally  at  this  ball, 
or  the  other  assembly;  or  at  this  play,  or  the  other  operas 
or  perhaps  she  is  cheapening  silks  at  Mr.  Cant's,  silk- 
mercer,  on  Ludgate  iiill. 

Sometimes  the  merchant  seems  to  be  at  church:  how- 
ever, he  is  only  there  in  body,  his  soul  having  sailed  ia 
the  good  ship  Bonad venture,  to  buy  slaves  on  the  coast 
of  Guinea,  or  barter  goods  at  Bengal  or  Malabar.  The 
mercer,  draper,  and  grocer,  seem  sometimes  to  be  there; 
but  frequently  it  is  an  imposition:  for  although  their  bodies 
may  indeed  be  present,  their  souls  are  gone  on  a  journey, 
to  visit  their  customers,  or  left  at  home  in  the  counting- 
house,  balancing  their  books,  or  examining  their  trades- 
men's bills,  that  they  may  know  with  whom  they  can  deal 
to  the  greatest  advantage;  perhaps  issuing  forth  a  capias 
against  'squire  Latepay,  a  gentleman  well  known  to  those 
dealers;  or  it  may  be  the  soul  is  busy  entering  protests 
against  certain  extravagant  manufacturers. 

As  for  the  industrious  farmer,  you  may  well  think  he 
has  something  else  to  employ  his  mind  than  either  ser- 
mon or  prayers;  for  it  must  needs  require  much  thought 
and  forecast  to  determine  right  where  to  sow  his  wheat, 
where  his  clover,  and  what  land  to  set  apart  for  hemp, 
how  to  dispose  of  his  young  colt,  and  the  grey  horse,  who 
is  in  danger  of  losing  his  eyes.  And  he,  good  man,  hath 
found,  from  long  experience,  that  he  can  contrive  better 
at  church  than  any  where  else;  and  being  willing  to  thrive 
in  the  world,  he  will  let  slip  no  opportunity  proper  for 
advantageous  consideration. 

But  1  can  tell  you,  sir,  if  the  people  so  frequently  put 
the  cheat  upon  their  parson,  he  in  his  turn  retaliates  upon 
them;  and  many  times  when  the  congregation  flatter 
themselves  that  they  see  the  parson  in,  and  hear  his  voice 
from  the  pulpit,  thay  are  mistaken,  for  it  is  only  his 
body,  his  soul  being  attending  the  levee  of  this  noble- 
man, or  the  other  bishop,  making  his  court  for  a  fatter 
benefice.  These,  sir,  are  some  of  the  thinking  sabbath- 
breakers. 

Then  there  are  the  mad  sabbath-breakers,  a  set  of  the 
very  dregs  of  humanitj;  and  yet  by  some  means  or  other 
their  impious  practices  are  connived  at,  notwithstanding 
interdicted  by  all  laws,  divine  and  human.  Such  are 
our  pellet  throwers  in  Yorkshire  and  Durham;  our  foot? 


OF  DEVILS.  73 

hall  tossers,  who  are  found  all  over  the  nation;  our 
ieapers,  runners,  tavern-hunters,  and  all,  of  every  de- 
nomination, who  exercise  themselves  in  any  spurt  on 
the  Sabbath,  are  stationed  along  with  the  mad  sabbath- 
breakers. 

Last  of  all  there  are  our  religious  sabbath-breakers,  a 
district  that  is  formed  of  party  zealots  and  self-seekers, 
both  preachers  and  hearers.  As  for  tlie  former,  their  doc- 
trine is  various.  One  man  preaches  the  pO])e,  another 
preaches  the  councils.  One  preacb.eS  St.  Dominick,  ano- 
ther St.  Francis.  One  preaches  episcopacy  like  the  great 
Sacheverel,  another  preaches  presbytery,  as  the  only  way 
of  salvation.  One  preaches  up  mankind  in  general,  and 
another  preaches  his  own  personal  endowments  in  par- 
ticulars; but  us  for  preaching  Jesus  Christ,  that  is  quite 
foreign  to  their  purpose,  and  is  therefore  left  to  be  per- 
formed by  others.  Thus,  sire,  you  have  had  a  view  of 
the  canton  of  sabbath-breakers. 

IxFiDELis.  And  a  noble  canton  it  is,  my  son,  both  rich 
and  populous,  of  great  service  to  us,  and  vast  enlargement 
to  the  territories  of  Beelzebub.  Hov/  illustrious  is  the 
throne  of  great  Impiatorl  I  long  to  have  a  description  of 
the  rest  of  your  kingdom,  but  for  the  present  I  must  be 
gone,  my  son.  "Will  you  please  to  give  me  the  meeting 
Here  to-morrow  morning.'^ 

iMPiAToa.  1  will,  sir.     Adieu. 


DIALOGUE   VI. 


FASTOSUS  AND  AVARO. 


Privy  to  the  appointment  between  Fastosusand  Avaro, 
I  resolved  to  stay  their  coming,  and  had  not  been  long 
before  I  saw  them  at  a  distance,  walking  up  the  valley  to- 
wards me.  Arrived  at  the  usual  place  of  conference,  Fas- 
tosus  struck  twice  with  his  rod  on  the  earth,  and  instantly 
there  arose  two  thrones  of  the  blackest  ebony,  one  of 
Vi^hich  he  occupied  himselfj  and  the  other  was  filled  by 

7 


74  DIALOGUES 

his  cousin,  Avaro.  Thus  enthroned,  Fastosus  opened  the 
conversation,  whilst  I  seized  the  pen,  and  sat  eager  to 
catch  the  fleeting  sound. 

Fastosus.  You  know,  Avaro,  when  we  parted  in  the 
morning,  I  was  going  to  assist  my  \sidy  Gaiety  to  dress  for 
her  visit  to  my  good  lord  Frolick.  I  went  accordingly, 
and  hard  work  I  assure  you  we  had  of  it.  As  soon  as  I  ap- 
peared before  the  toilet,  I  received  orders  to  render  my- 
self invisible,  and  not  to  depart  the  room,  that  I  might 
be  in  readiness  to  adjust  her  head  dress  and  bosom  orna- 
ments.  Yes,  madam,  said  I,  I  will  give  your  ladyship 
due  attendance.  With  that  I  rendered  myself  invisible  to 
her,  but  continued  visible  to  all  other  beholders.  So  to 
dressing  we  went.  First  we  ornamented  the  feet,  which 
was  attended  with  very  considerable  difficulty.  It  cost 
us  several  tyings  and  untyings  before  her  ladyship  was 
pleased  with  her  own  foot.  At  last,  having  finished  tha 
feei,  and  my  lady  viewed  them  several  times  in  every  po- 
sition, we  proceeded  to  other  parts  of  the  important  work. 
First  we  did  and  then  we  undid  every  part  of  the  finery. 
But  our  hardest  work  about  the  head  and  bosom  was,  how 
to  put  one  as  much  as  possible  out  of  its  native  form,  and 
to  expose  the  other  so  as  to  make  sure  of  attracting  the 
eyes  of  beholders.  Monsieur  Frisseur,  who  was  our  as- 
sistant, gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that  to  come  up  to  the  very 
zenith  of  the  mode,  it  was  necessary  she  should  bear  a 
head  as  much  as  possible  in  resemblance  to  a  ram  without 
horns;  and  Mrs.  Prude,  my  lady's  woman,  told  us  plain- 
ly, that  Mrs.  Pander,  whose  province  it  is  to  establish  fe- 
male customs,  had  expressly  declared,  every  lady  v/orth 
above  one  hundred  a  year  ought,  in  a  full  dress,  to  wear 
her  bosom  quite  naked.  My  lady  is  adorned  with  excel- 
lent hair,  but  it  vv'ill  not  serve  her  except  it  bear  a  look 
the  most  unnatural  possible.  Her  skin,  fair  as  alabaster, 
we  were  obliged  to  daub  with  patches,  the  colour  of  Beel- 
zebub's coat,  as  a  token  of  her  loyalty  to  the  black  prince 
of  the  nether  regions.  But  how  to  place  these  patches 
was  a  question  of  no  ordinary  concern,  and  hardly  re- 
solved at  last.  First  we  tried  one  large  patch  on  her 
chin;  but  my  lady  soon  perceived  that  it  hid  the  beaute- 
ous dimple  which  nature  had  there  imprest,  and  there- 
fore it  was  presently  removed.  Then  we  tried  how  the 
cheek  would  answer |  but  alae!  it  obscured  the  lively  rose, 


OF  DEVILS.  75 

Vnich  is  a  native  there,  and  which  my  ladj  takes  great 
delight  to  view  in  her  glass;  on  this  account  we  exempt- 
ed the  cheek  from  the  Ijurden.  At  last,  after  much  anxi- 
ety, and  very  serious  consideration,  it  was  resolved  that 
we  should  fix  it  on  the  middle  of  her  forehead,  resemblino; 
the  eye  of  a  cyclops,  and  put  a  little  one  on  the  left  side 
of  her  chin,  bearing  the  likeness  of  a  mole.  However, 
it  cost  several  trials  with  them  in  both  places  ere  the 
patches  would  lie  agreeable  to  lier  ladyship's  fancy. 

AvARQ.  Ah!  Fastosus,  if  the  ladies  only  knew  how  ri- 
diculous they  make  themselves  look  in  the  eyes  of  the 
juditious,  they  would  be  very  loath  thus  to  deform  their 
native  beauty.  What  delicate  beauty!  what  perfect  come- 
liness, do  we  see  rendered  disagreeable  and  ridiculous  by 
these  transformations!  And  how  can  they  be  but  disa- 
greeable and  ridiculous,  when  all  the  decorations  of  na- 
ture lie  concealed,  and  nothing  appears  but  the  manufac- 
tory of  art,  that  great  supplanter  of  nature.^  Such  ladies 
are  certainly  greatly  deceived  by  you,  Fastosus;  for  the 
end  proposed  by  all  those  metamorphoses  is  to  render 
themselves  agreeable  to  the  gentlemen,  whereas  they  pro- 
duce the  contrary  efiect.  Art  can  never  beget  love.  This 
is  nature's  work  alone.  Art  may  indeed  excite  lust;  but 
nature  alone  begets  that  love  which  a  virtuous  lady  would 
strive  to  obtain.  It  is  strange,  Fastosus,  that  nature  has 
80  little,  and  alTectation  such  great  concern  among  people 
of  fashion  as  at  this  day.  Well,  1  hope  you  pleased  her 
at  last? 

Fastosus.  Yes,  yes,  I  hope  I  did;  but  my  work  did 
not  end  with  madam;  for  Mrs.  Prude,  b.er  vvoman,  who 
was  assisting  us  in  the  equipment  of  lier  lady,  and  often 
put  her  tongue  into  her  cheek,  and  bit  her  lip,  to  prevent 
her  laughing  out  when  she  saw  her  mistress's  vanity,  as 
boon  as  I  had  done  with  her  lady,  beseeched  me  that  1 
would  put  a  few  pins  into  her  clothes,  because  she  was  to 
attend  her  mistress  to  lord  Frolic's;  and  notwithstanding 
my  patience  was  almost  spent  before,  I  was  obliged  to  stay 
ever  so  long,  pinning  and  unpinning  her;  for  Mrs.  Prude 
affected  the  fine  gentlewoman  almost  as  much  as  her 
mistress. 

But  what  vexed  me  worse  than  all  the  rest  was,  just  as 
I  got  to  the  bottom  of  the  stairs,  to  make  my  escape,  the 


7Q  DIALOGUES 

cook  maid  caught  me  in  her  greasy  arm?,  and  begged  ms 
to  assist  her  to  dress  herself  in  her  half-holiday  clothes,  as 
her  sweetheart  was  to  take  the  advantage  of  her  lad^-'s  ab- 
sence, to  come  and  visit  her.  I  could  not  deny  the  girl? 
because  I  really  thought  she  had  need  of  considerable 
amendinent  before  she  presented  herself  to  her  lover.  So 
after  we  had  pinned  and  unpinned  a  considerable  time,  I 
burst  through  the  casement,  to  avoid  the  importunity  of 
the  laundry  and  chamber  maids,  whom  I  saw  coming. 
Thus  I  gave  them  the  slip;  for  those  ladies,  and  their  fe- 
male attendants,  would  drudge  any  devil  in  hell  off  his 
feet,  might  tliey  h?tve  their  own  way.  But  I  am  right 
glad  that  I  am  come  hither  from  among  them. 

AvARo.  Then,  sir,  I  perceive,  with  all  your  greatness, 
you  have  no  objections  to  assisting  a  waiting  woman  or  a 
cookmaid  occasionally. 

Fastosus.  No  objection  at  all,  cousin.  The  soul  of  a 
"Waiting  woman  will  fill  a  vacancy  in  hell  as  well  as  that 
of  her  lady.  The  difference  is  this,  the  lady  of  honour  is 
capable  of  drawing  more  to  hell  along  with  her  than  her 
waiting  woman  can;  therefore  I  choose  to  make  sure  of 
the  mistress,  and  for  the  most  part,  the  maid  comes  along 
by  her  example.  But  as  soon  as  we  get  them  safely  en- 
closed within  our  flaming  prison,  we  let  them  see  we  are 
DO  respecter  of  person?;  for  the  mistress  and  her  maids, 
my  lord  and  his  valet,  the  'squire  and  his  groom,  have  all 
the  same  apartment  allotted  them,  feed  all  at  the  same  ta- 
ble, drink  of  the  same  cup,  and  are  served  by  the  same 
devil,  whom  they  never  find  to  be  sparing  of  his  liquor^ 
but  to  serve  them  plenteously,  though  much  contrary  to 
their  inclinations. 

AvARO.  That  doctrine  you  nnpreach  when  you  attend 
npon  them,  Fastosus.  You  wisely  keep  your  thumb  upon 
that.  And  indeed  it  is  well  so  to  do;  for  comely  as  your 
appearance  is,  they  would  discard  you  else.  Serious 
thoughts  of  futurity  would  spoil  all  our  sport,   uncle. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  am  not  such  a  half-wit 
as  to  tell  my  lord  tliat  his  riches  and  grandeur,  if  not 
duly  improved,  will  sink  him  lower  in  the  bottomless 
abvss  than  the  rustic  pleb-an;  nor  am  I  such  an  incon= 
siderate  devil  as  to  tell  him  that  his  hunting,  hawking, 
horse-coursing,    cock-fighting,    card-playing,    diinkingj 


OF  DEVILS.  77 

swearing,  whoring,  &c.  are  the  broad  way  to  never  end- 
ing torment.  Neither  do  I  foolishly  tell  my  lady  that 
balls,  assemblies,  plays,  &.c.  are  the  rosy  paths  which 
lead  most  infallibly  to  ruin.  No,  no,  let  me  alone  for 
that;  I  warrant  me  I  can  keep  my  counsel  well  enough; 
and  as  for  them,  they  will  find  all  out  at  last,  without  any 
instruction. 

AvARo.  If  I  remember  right,  Fastosus,  when  we 
parted  last  you  w^ere  relating  the  manner  in  which  you 
made  your  entrance  good  amongst  men.  I  should  be 
glad,  sir,  if  you  will  be  so  obliging  as  to  finish  that  ac- 
count. 

Fastosus.  I  purpose  it,  Avaro.  You  may  remember  I 
told  you  that  great  Beelzebub  having  discovered  the  wo- 
man to  be  the  weaker  vessel,  he  made  no  attempts  upon 
the  virtue  of  the  man,  but  resolved,  by  all  means,  to  se- 
duce the  woman,  not  doubting  but  she  would  bring  over 
her  husband  to  our  interest  along  v/ith  her.  It  happened 
one  night  that  Adam  had  a  dream,  ominous  of  our  con- 
quest, which  made  him  very  fearful  lest  any  part  of  his 
or  his  wife's  conduct  should  promote  the  dire  event; 
therefore  he  reasoned  with  her  conceruing  their  duty  to 
their  Creator,  gave  her  the  strictest  charge  to  keep  out  of 
the  way  of  temptation,  and  withal  informed  her  that  he 
was  not  without  his  fears  even  upon  her  account.  But 
she,  for  her  part,  just  as  the  devil  would  have  it,  resolved 
to  separate  herself  from  her  husband  that  day,  which  she 
had  never  done  before.  Whether  she  thought  to  endear 
herself  more  to  him,  by  letting  him  see  how  well  she 
would  resist  temptation,  if  any  should  oUer,  or  took  it 
rather  ill  to  be  under  his  tutorage,  1  pretend  not  to  say; 
but  maugre  all  his  entreaties,  she  would  go  forth  by  her- 
self, into  a  distant  walk,  to  gather  some  delicious  ber- 
ries, for  an  innocent  repast  for  her  and  her  lord  at 
noon. 

This  was  an  opportunity  just  to  Beelzebub's  wish,  and 
he  took  care  to  improve  it  to  advantage.  I  told  you  be- 
fore, that  previous  to  this  he  had  possessed  the  body  of  a 
beautiful  snake,  in  those  days  man's  familiar  domestic; 
and  now  finding  Eve  at  a  distance  from  her  husband,  the 
serpent  discovered  himself  to  her,  and  with  more  than 
animal  gestures  attracted  her  eye.     Captivated  with  its 


78  DIALOGUES 

unusual  motion,  she  stood  ravished  with  its  beauties,  snd 
admu'ing  its  agility.  As  it  drew  near  to  her,  she  put  forth 
her  gentle  hand',  stroked  its  skin,  and  the  subtle  animal, 
after  its  manner,  returned  the  compliment,  by  laying  its 
shining  head  on  her  lap.  Their  station  was  near  to  the 
tree  of  knowledge  of  good  and  evil,  upon  which  the  for- 
bidden fruit  luxuriously  hung.  To  this  tree  the  serpent 
frequently  looked,  with  all  the  languishment  of  ardent 
desire,  until  once  he  made  sure  that  the  woman  observed 
it,  "Lie  still,  thou  pretty  creature,"  said  she,  (stroking 
it)  "what  makes  thee  look  so  earnestly  at  that  prohibited 
fruit.^"  "Ah  I  thou  fair  goddess,"  returned  the  serpent, 
"I  have  good  reason  to  admire  the  sovereign  virtue  of 
that  delicious  tree,  for  I  was  created  only  in  a  brutal  sta- 
tion, without  consciousness  of  mind,  or  the  use  of  my 
tongue;  until,  being  on  my  thoughtless  ramble  yesterday, 
I  chanced  to  espy  this  amazing  tree,  whose  fruit  hangs 
in  such  luxuriance.  After  a  short  pause,  such  as  a  brute 
may  be  capable  of,  I  climbed  up  the  tree,  and  began  to 
feast  on  the  most  delicious  fruit  that  ever  was  eaten.  Joy- 
ful at  my  happy  fate,  I  soon  became  sensible  of  a  self- 
conscious  mind,  capable  of  discerning  between  good  and 
evil.  Soon  my  tongue,  which  before  cleaved  to  the  roof 
of  my  mouth,  was  untied,  and  I  could  express  sentiments 
of  joy  in  the  most  rational  manner.  And  now,  when  I 
met  with  you,  I  was  going  to  renew  my  repast  on  the 
fruit  of  that  soverei^^n  tree." 

AvARo.  Oh!  Fastosus!  The  most  subtle  scheme  that 
ever  was  heard  of !  Well,  this  may  be  spoken  to  the  ho- 
nour of  Beelzebub,  when  I  am  dead  and  gone. 

Fastosus.  Well,  but  Satan  did  not  then  know  of  the 
happy  consequences  that  have  since  arisen  from  this  af- 
fair, to  some  part  of  the  human  race.  However,  having 
laid  his  snare  with  all  the  subtility  he  was  master  of,  he 
thought  it  well  to  assault  the  pure  mind  of  Eve  with  un- 
belief.* He  asked  her,  if  the  reason  why  she  was  so  di- 
vinely beautiful  was  not  her  feeding  often  upon  the  fruit 
of  that  so  sovereign  a  tree?  The  woman  answerd,  "  No, 
we  have  never  so  much  as  once  tasted  of  it,  but  invaria- 
bly observed  the  command  of  our  Creator,  who  hath  put 

*  See  p.  38. 


OF  DEVILS.  79 

us  into  this  garden,  and  said  unto  us,  Of  every  tree  of 
the  garden  ye  may  freely  eat,  but  tlie  fruit  of  the  tree 
of  knowledge  of  good  and  evil  ye  may  not  eat;  for  in  the 
day  ye  eat  thereof  ye  shall  surely  die."  To  which  the 
gerpent  answered:  "  Indeed!  Did  he  really  say  so?  Are 
you  not  mistaken,  think  you?  Die  too!  AVhy  am  not  I  dead 
then;  I  who  have  eaten  of  it  so  plenteously?  No,  no,  you 
shall  not  die.  That  is  only  an  empty  threatening,  to  keep 
you  in  subjection  to  him;  for  he  very  v/ell  knows  that  the 
moment  you  eat  thereof  you  shall  be  like  himself,  know- 
ing good  and  evil;  no  longer  be  man  and  woman,  but  be- 
come gods." 

The  woman  replied,  *^^ye,  but,  my  pretty  creature, 
how  shall  I  know  that  I  shall  be  a  goddess,  if  I  should 
venture  to  eat  of  that  desirable  fruit."  *'Know!"  said 
tiie  serpent,  *'you  may  easily  know  it,  if  you  consider 
that,  if  1,  who  was  created  only  a  brute  beast,  am,  by 
eating  the  fruit  of  this  tree,  exalted  to  humanity,  you, 
who  are  more  than  half  a  God  already,  shall  certainly, 
by  so  doing,  be  exalted  to  real  divinity."  With  these 
words  he  injected  into  her  bosom  some  seeds  of  my  na- 
ture, which  fermented  to  that  degree,  that  nothing  would 
now  serve  her  turn  but  to  be  deified.  Sagacious  Beel- 
zebub, perceiving  the  uproar  I  had  made  in  her  mind, 
introduced  all  the  train  of  real  vices  which  now  infect 
the  human  species,  subjected  her  wholly  to  his  sway; 
and  she,  as  his  instrument,  could  have  no  rest  until 
she  got  her  husband's  neck  also  fast  in  Beelzebub's 
yoke. 

Thus  was  pride  first  introduced  into  the  terrene  crea- 
tion; and  thus  was  man  subjected  to  my  powerful  sway. 
Being  brought  forth  in  the  heart  of  man,  1  arrived  in- 
stantly at  full  growth;  involved  them  in  sorrow;  envel- 
oped them  in  blindness  and  i^^norance;  and  instead  of 
that  happiness  and  dignity  which  Beelzebub  had  promis- 
ed them,  of  becoming  gods,  I  brought  forth  in  thern 
trusty  Shame,  the  elder  born  of  my  earthly  family;  and 
he,  as  a  spirit  of  great  power,  made  Adam  and  Eve  fly 
to  a  thicket,  to  hide  themselves  from  the  presence  of  an 
offended  God.  Instead  of  becoming  gods,  I  transformed 
them  into  the  image  and  likeness  of  father  Beelzebub, 
in  which  image  they  begat  and  brought  forth  their  chil- 
dren.   It  was  now  that  i  begat  the  lovely  Discordant; 


»0  DIALOGUES 

to  Gs  the  more  lovely,  because  he  is  antinatural.  No 
sooner  was  he  born,  but  he  sounded  a  trumpet,  and  cried, 
"  To  arms,  to  arms."  Then  you  might  have  seen  the 
rhinoceros  and  elephant,  the  eagle  and  dragon,  the  lion, 
panther,  and  wolf,  appear  in  all  the  fury  of  martial  spirit, 
and  proclaim  an  eternal  war  against  one  another:  Nor 
were  Adam  and  Eve  exempted  from  domestic  uneasiness 
tliemselves. 

AvARo.  All  this  worked  just  as  the  devil  would  have 
it;  and  greatly  enlarged  the  territories  of  hell,  by  annex- 
ing earth  to  the  infernal  crown.  Well,  uncle,  I  perceive, 
by  your  account,  that  you  are  the  father  of  sin,  in  tlie 
mind  of  both  angels  and  men. 

Fastosus.  True,  Avaro,  I  am:  and  so  well  is  my 
power  established,  that  I  am  the  very  last  that  shall  be 
subdued,  and  rooted  out  of  the  hearts,  even  of  those 
that  hate  me,  and  who  at  last  shall  be  delivered  from 
my  yoke.  This  is  true,  cousin,  whether  you  believe  it 
or  not;  and  1  assure  you  that  1  have  the  pleasure  of 
giving  many  a  painful  heart-pang,  even  to  those  who 
curse  my  name  and  nature.  But  to  my  story,  cousin. 
I  manifested  my  powerful  sway  over  man  in  the  case  of 
my  faithful  servant  Cain;  not  only  in  his  bloody  revenge 
against  his  brother  Abel,  who  had  revolted  from  our 
government,  but  in  making  him  despair  under  his  piin- 
iihment. 

I  triumphed  gloriously  over  the  inhabitants  of  the  ante- 
diluvian world,  who,  for  my  sake,  scorned  to  submit  to 
the  commandments  of  God,  resolving  to  be  guided  by  the 
thoughts  of  their  own  hearts,  all  of  which  were  inspired 
by  me;  therefore  every  thought  and  imagination  of  the 
heart  was  only  evil  continually.  I  wrought  them  up  to 
such  a  degree  of  rebellion,  that  the  Almighty  resolved  to 
bear  with  them  no  longer,  but  to  sweep  them  away  with 
the  besom  of  destruction;  yet  he  would  not  do  it  without 
giving  them  proper  warning,  and  calling  them  to  repent- 
ance and  reformation.  One  Noah,  a  famous  preacher  of 
righteousness,  was  the  instrument  raised  up  on  this  oc- 
casion; and  to  be  sure  the  man  preached  faithfully  and 
fervently:  But  I  had  the  pleasure  of  hardening  the  peo- 
ple's hearts  to  that  degree,  that  he  met  with  nothing  but 
abuse  for  his  pains.  Every  body  accounted  him  to  be  a 
fraotic  enthusiast,  fanatic,  or  metliodist,  until  the  divine 


OF  DEVILS.  81 

patience  wa?  quite  worn  out,  and  their  destruction  came 
upon  them  by  a  deluge,  which  swept  them  all  from  the 
face  of  the  earth,  except  this  same  Noah  and  his  family; 
and  for  ray  part  I  do  not  remember  a  time  on  which  hell 
had  so  many  visitants  at  once  as  then. 

AvARo.  But  how  could  Noah  and  his  family  be  saved, 
when  the  deluge  came  upon  all  the  earth? 

Fastosus.  V/hy,  Avaro,  it  was  by  the  help  of  a  ship, 
which  he  v/as  taught  to  build.  For  this  same  Noah 
was  the  first  ship  carpenter  in  the  world;  and  although 
a  prince,  he  was  not  above  labouring  with  his  hands. 
But  it  galls  me  to  think  how  the  Almighty  mixes  mercy 
with  judgment;  for  in  this  destruction,  which  he  brought 
upon  the  old  world,  he  taught  the  new  world  the  most 
necessary  and  useful  art  of  navigation,  by  means  of 
which  he  will  spread  the  knowledge  of  himself  over  all 
the  earth. 

After  this  I  set  up  my  lofty  standard  on  the  plains  of 
Shinar.  Multitudes  flocked  to  it,  and  became  my  humble 
servants.  It  was  now  I  projected  a  scheme  of  erecting 
&  tower,  equal  in  altitude  to  Jacob's  ladder.  Two  spe- 
cial advantages,  I  alleged  to  them,  would  accrue  from  it 
when  finished.  The  first,  to  perpetuate  their  name  to 
the  latest  posterity.  The  second,  and  greatest  advan- 
tage, would  be,  that  thereby  they  might  bid  defiance  to 
the  Almighty:  such  provision  beins:  made  for  their  safety, 
that,  on  the  first  appearances  of  judgment  begun,  they 
might  retire  to  the  tower,  where  the  waters  could  not 
follovv^  them.  But  here,  you  may  observe,  I  played  the 
4evil  with  the  children  of  men;  for  although  I  flattered 
tliem  with  such  advantages,  I  believed  in  my  heart  that 
such  a  presumptuous,  daring  undertaking,  vrould  have 
provoked  the  Almighty  utterly  to  have  destroyed  them, 
root  and  branch.  And  indeed,  at  one  time,  t  thought  I 
had  gained  my  point;  for  he  did  come  down  and  con- 
found their  language  in  such  a  manner  that  the  great 
design  miscarried.  It  was  diverting  to  hear  the  brick- 
layer call  for  mortar,  and,  lo!  a  box  of  brick  was  brought 
him.  Another  calls  for  bricks,  and  the  server  runs  for 
a  board  of  mortar.  One  calls  out  for  a  level,  and  he 
receives  a  plumb-line.  Another  asks  for  a  square,  and 
a  level  is  brought  him.  The  bricklayers,  provoked  to 
fee  themselves  mocked  by  tlieir  servants,   not  as  yet 


82  DIALOGUES 

knowing  their  language  to  be  confounded,  began  to  lajf 
their  resentment  upon  the  bones  of  their  labourers;  and 
the  labourers,  considering  themselves  as  very  ill  used, 
returned  the  abuse  upon  the  builders;  and  thus  they 
quarrelled  and  bickered,  until  ihey  were  fain  to  leave 
off  the  work,  and  betake  themselves  to  other  employ- 
ments. 

But,  alas!  cousin,  in  this  affair  the  devil  was  outwitted, 
for  we  all  thought  that  this  haughty  attempt  would  have 
provoked  God  utterly  to  destroy  'them.  But  he  made 
use  of  our  project  only  to  send  them  abroad  to  people 
the  earth,  the  more  widely  to  make  his  glories  known. 
And,  to  the  deep  mortification  of  all  our  black  fra- 
tei^nity,  especially  father  Beelzebub,  upon  the  ruins  of 
the  tower  was  written,  in  everlasting  characters,  the 
following  motto:  **  Here  the  devil  overshot  himself." 
But  this  was  a  trifling  disappointment,  in  comparison  of 
many  others,  some  of  which  I  may  perhaps  give  you  an 
account  of. 

Wherever  the  sons  of  Noah  vv'ent,  I  went  along  with 
them;  and  not  a  great  number  of  years  had  the  earth 
been  dry,  before  I  persuaded  them  to  forge,  found,  and 
carve  to  themselves  objects  of  religious  adoration  more 
agreeable  to  their  fancy  than  the  God  who  made  them. 
And  by  this  means  it  was  that  pagan  idolatry  was  intro- 
duced, which,  strictly  speaking,  is  the  religion  of  pride 
alone;  even  as  the  present  Roman  catholic  religion  is  that 
of  pride  and  covetousness. 

I  will  tell  you  strange  things  of  my  government,  Ava- 
ro,  at  a  time  convenient:  but  as  we  were  coming  along 
you  mentioned  somewhat  about  the  clergy  of  France. 
Pray,  what  of  them,  cousin? 

AvARo.  I  have  often,  sir,  made  honourable  mention 
of  the  dutiful  disposition  of  my  dear  children,  the  French 
parsons.  But  I  had,  some  years  ago,  occasion  to  try  an 
experiment,  which  greatly  quickened  their  devotion,  and 
clothed  the  face  of  all  the  country  with  poignant  sorrow. 
By  their  unwearied  pursuit  of  the  interest  of  the  church, 
that  is  to  say,  by  their  coaxing,  wheedling,  and  threaten- 
ing of  people  out  of  their  goods  and  chattels,  for  the  be- 
nefit of  the  clergy,  they  were  grown  so  fat  and  purse- 
proud,  they  were  not  able  to  say  half  of  the  masses  they 
were  paid  for,  nor  to  attend  upon  the  duties  of  their  pre- 


OF  DEVILS.  83 

tended  devotion;  which,  persisting  in,  they  themselves 
would  have  contributed  to  the  opening  of  people's  eves, 
to  discover  the  cheat. 

I  imagined  that  nothing  could  be  more  suitable  than 
physic,  to  purge  off  some  of  their  grossness.  I  went 
straight  to  Versailles,  demanded  an  interview  with  the 
most  Christian  Louis,  and  accordingly  was  introduced 
by  one  of  the  lords  of  his  bed-chamber.  As  soon  as  he 
had  done  me  greeting  after  the  royal  manner,  proportion- 
able to  his  very  great  esteem  for  me,  I  opened  the  con- 
versation in  the  following  manner:  "  My  royal  friend, 
said  I,  perceiving  that  you  have  been  ransacking  the 
world  lately  in  quest  of  gold,  to  supply  your  pressing 
and  growing  wants,  I  am  come  to  inform  you  where  you 
may  meet  with  store  of  moidores,  yea,  treasures  in  abund- 
ance, without  travelling  out  of  your  own  dominions." 
*' Is  it  possible,"  said  he.  '•  I  pray  thee,  lovely  spirit, 
where  are  the  golden  heaps  to  be  found?"  I  replied,  ''The 
clergy,  the  clergy,  sir,  are  so  overgrown  in  riches,  that 
they  are  hardly  able  to  say  an  hospitable  mass  for  the 
dead,  or  even  to  go  about  to  cheat  and  defraud  people 
out  of  their  money  and  souls,  as  heretofore."  "  Ungrate- 
ful villains,  said  he,  to  hoard  up  their  money  to  lie  by 
them  useless,  when  I,  their  king,  am  just  at  the  point  of 
becoming  bankrupt.  I  will  ease  them  of  their  burden,  I 
warrant  you.  I  will  let  them  for  once  know  that  they 
have  another  master  besides  the  pope,  and  leave  it  to 
them  to  replace  their  stores  the  nearest  v/ay  they  can." 
I  was  not  afraid  but  my  scheme  v/ould  work  to  my  mind; 
for  I  took  him  at  the  very  nick  of  time  when  the  king  of 
England  had  emptied  his  coffers,  by  destrojing  his  naval 
force  and  trade;  and,  poor  gentleman,  he  knew  not  well 
how  to  fill  them  again. 

Glad  of  such  an  opportunity,  he  assembled  the  heads 
of  the  clergy,  and  demanded  of  them  an  exorbitant  sum, 
in  the  way  of  a  free  gift.  A  very  genteel  way  of  robbing 
the  church  indeed  I  The  holy  gownsmen,  like  dear  chil- 
dren of  their  good  Avaro,  showed  themselves  as  tena- 
cious of  their  gold  as  the  paw  of  a  lion  is  of  its  prey. 
They  used  every  argument  which  priestly  subtility  could 
invent;  they  lugged  in  both  heaven  and  earth  as  pro- 
tectors of  their  property.  Yea,  they  even  told  him  that 
to  command  them  to  part  with  their  money  was  no  leas 


84  DIALOGUES 

than  robbing  the  Almighty;  just  as  if  the  Almighty  and 
them  were  partners  in  the  trade  of  priestcraft.  But 
clergymen  have  the  advantage  of  all  princes,  in  that 
their  cause  is  always  the  cause  of  God,  althouoh  God 
has,  in  reality,  nothing  to  do  with  them  or  it.  They  held 
both  with  teeth  and  hands,  rather  than  generously  as- 
sist their  sovereign,  though  now  become  almost  insolvent. 
But  you  know  the  proverb,  '*  The  weaker  goes  to  the 
wall."  And  so  it  was  with  them.  He,  being  stronger 
than  they,  prevailed;  and  altliough  their  money  came 
from  their  coffers  like  blood  from  their  hearts,  they  were 
obliged  to  comply.  But  I  can  assure  you  the  parting 
with  it  cost  them  more  real  distress  of  soul  than  ever 
the  selling  of  their  consciences  to  obtain  it  had  done. 
The  sorrow  of  the  priests  is,  for  the  most  part,  a  farce; 
but  their  sorrow  on  this  occasion  was  deep,  and  un- 
feigned. 

It  was  not  a  great  while  after,  that  moidores  failed  a  se- 
cond time,  and  other  resources  being  drained,  he  again 
had  recourse  to  the  sons  of  the  clergy,  and  did  by  them 
as  they  commonly  do  by  the  laity.  I  mean,  their  money 
being  gone,  he  was  content  with  stripping  them  of  their 
plate;  so  that  were  you  now  to  see  the  cabinet  of  a  French 
priest,  you  would  find  it  as  empty  of  plate  as  Glaud  the 
shepherd's  pantry.  And  I  am  of  opinion  that  Louis,  hav- 
ing once  found  the  way  to  their  nest,  he  will  take  care 
they  be  no  more  overgrown  in  riches.  But  to  repair  their 
late  losses,  they  can  now  look  out  for  a  prey  with  as 
much  penetration  as  an  eagle,  and  are  as  rapid  as  a  pan- 
ther in  seizing  on  it. 

Fastosus.  It  is  my  opinion,  cousin,  that  if  princes 
were  to  take  care  that  the  church  should  not  become  too 
rich,  there  would  not  be  so  many  religions  as  there  are. 
But  who  would  not  be  a  priest  or  a  nun,  when  they  may 
roll  amidst  the  blessings  of  both  worlds,  and,  under 
the  pretence  of  religious  retirement,  enjoy  every  thing 
gi-ateful  to  the  flesh,  in  the  greatest  luxuriance,  with- 
out any  labour  or  toil  of  their  own?  1  assure  you,  cou- 
sin, if  1  were  not  a  devil,  I  would  choose  to  be  a  priest 
myself. 

AvARo.  Being  a  priest  is  not  such  a  great  privilege 
now  as  it  has  been;  though  it  is  still  preferable  to  any 
trade  of  the  lay  kind.     The  expulsion  of  the  Jesuit* 


OF  DEVILS.  85 

has  been  very  injurious  to  priestcraft.  The  church  is 
sure  to  thrive  in  the  reign  of  a  prince  who  is  under  the 
direction  of  a  Jesuitical  confessorj  and  the  priesthood 
will  always  find  in  him  a  powerful  protector:  But  I  fear 
much  that  the  princes  of  Europe,  from  their  late  ad- 
vances, will  at  last  throw  off  the  yoke  of  ecclesiastical 
tyranny. 

Fastosus.  In  fact,  cousin,  it  is  not  a  little  strange  that 
they  have  not  done  it  ere  now.  Nothing  can  be  more 
preposterous  than  for  a  prince,  who  hath  sovereign  sway 
over  extensive  dominions,  to  be  under  the  control  of  an 
arrogant  priest,  as  if  it  were  by  him  that  kings  reign  and 
princes  decree  judgment.  Or  as  if  he  were  the  prince  of 
the  kings  of  the  earth. 

However,  cousin,  you  forget  that  it  is  time  for  us  to  go 
on  our  nocturnal  circuits.  Mine  is  very  extensive^  I 
must,  therefore,  bid  you  adieu.  To-morrow  morning  let 
us  meet  here. 


DIALOGUE   YII. 


INFIDELIS  AND  DIPIATOR. 

From  what  1  had  heard  and  seen,  you  may  think  I 
took  care  not  to  be  too  late  in  attending  the  sable  gentry 
m  Horrida  Vallis,  where  I  was  hid  before  any  of  them 
arrived,  and  prepared  for  taking  down  their  discourse; 
the  first  of  which,  that  1  heard,  was  by  Infidelis  to  Im- 
piator. 

Infidelis.  How  illustrious  is  thy  throne!  How  exten- 
sive are  thy  dominions  I  Oh,  great  Impiator,  my  son! 
Before  you  the  greatest  grandees  of  the  earth  do  bow. 
Will  you  please,  my  son,  to  finish  your  account  of  the  re- 
maining part  of  your  territories? 

Impiator.  I  will,  sir.  And  you  may  observe  that 
the  fifth  canton  is  that  of  the  adulterers  and  fornicators. 
These  are  divided  into  literal  and  mjstical.     The  class 

8 


16  DIALOGUES 

of  literal  adulterers  and  fornicators  are  so  fashionable 
and  notorious  a  people,  that  a  description  of  them  seems 
unnecessary^  and  so  very  disagreeable,  that  it  would  be 
offensive  to  you.  I  shall  therefore  do  no  more  than  de- 
scribe their  dwelling,  and  assure  you,  sire,  that  every 
individual  of  them  is  a  very  humble  servant  to  your  son 
Impiator.  Their  dwelling  is  on  the  banks  of  a  river, 
the  source  of  which  is  in  the  court,  which  runs  through 
every  part  of  the  king's  dominions,  carrying  the  inhabit- 
ants along  with  it,  and  at  last  disembogues  itself  into 
hell,  where  all  adulterers  and  fornicators  shall  infallibly 
be  tormented,  as  a  proper  counter  balance  for  their 
fleshly  pleasures;  where,  instead  of  women,  they  shall 
have  devils;  instead  of  wine,  the  sulphurous  liquid; 
and  instead  of  beds  of  down,  the  boisterous  billows  of 
Phlegeton. 

Next  to  them  are  the  mystical  adulterers  and  fornica- 
tors. By  whom  I  mean  all  that  have  any  commerce  with 
the  whore  of  Rome;  that  old  bawd  with  the  scarlet  gown. 
Or,  in  other  words,  all  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast 
either  on  their  foreheads  or  their  right  hands,  and  such 
who  have  this  mark  upon  both. 

By  those  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast  upon  their 
foreheads,  I  mean  the  worthy  preachers  and  hearers  of 
the  Armenian  doctrine  of  the  church  of  Rome;  as  also 
the  straight-hooped  gentlemen,  who  believe  with  the 
charitable  Italians,  that  there  can  be  no  true  faith  but 
that  which  they  profess,  nor  salvation  but  in  their  com- 
munity. The  far  greater  part  of  the  clergy  belong  to 
the  former,  and  the  good  Sandemanians  belong  to  tke 
latter  class  of  doctrinal  papists,  or  mystical  adulterers. 

By  those  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast  upon  their 
right  hand,  I  mean  the  practical  papists,  the  whole  bulk 
of  the  holy  catholic  church;  and  besides  them,  all  that 
do  the  works  of  the  beast,  after  the  example  of  that  or- 
thodox church.  By  the  v/orks  of  the  beast  some  under- 
stand every  part  of  religion  which  is  not  founded  upon 
scripture  institution.  Such,  say  they,  are  consecrating 
of  churches,  and  baptising  of  bells;  dedication  of  meet- 
ing houses  to  certain  saints  or  angels,  as  the  patrons  of 
parishes;  the  worshipping  of  saints  and  angels,  by  cele- 
brating an  annual  festival  in  honour  of  their  name;  such 
are  your  observers  of  high  festivals,   abstinence  from 


OF  DEVILS.  87 

neat  at  certain  seasons  of  the  jearj  worshipping  towards 
the  east,  as  if  God  were  not  every  where  present;  bow- 
ing at  the  name  of  Jesus,  as  if  it  was  more  august  than 
that  of  Jehovah,  &c.  Such,  sir,  with  many  more  whom 
I  might  name,  are  the  mystical  adulterers  and  forni- 
cators. 

Infidelis.  Aye,  but,  my  son,  you  have  not  told  me 
which  are  the  fornicators,  and  which  the  adulterers.  I 
want  to  hear  thatj  for  the  one  is  usually  distinguished 
from  the  other. 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  they  are  distinguishable  enough; 
for  the  practical  professed  papists,  who  profess  not  the 
least  degree  of  relation  to  Jesus  Christ,  as  the  head  of  the 
Christian  church,  but  own  themselves  to  be  the  adorers 
of  the  whore,  who  sits  on  many  waters,  are  held  to  be  the 
fornicators;  whereas  nominal  protestants  profess  them- 
selves married  to  Jesus  Christ,  as  the  great  head  of  the 
Christian  church,  and  notwithstanding  this  pretended 
marriage  with  him,  maintain  a  doctrinal  commerce  with 
the  whore  of  Rome;  on  which  account  they  are  to  be  held 
as  the  adulterers. 

The  sixth  canton  is  the  murderer's  habitation,  v/iiich 
is  divided  into  two  grand  divisions.  In  the  first  are  mur- 
derers of  others.  These  are  subdivided  into  petty  can- 
tons. In  the  first  of  which  live  the  mental  murderers, 
Just  upon  the  frontiers  of  the  country.  They  are  a  peo- 
ple Vvho,  without  just  cause,  are  angry  with  their  neigh- 
bours. This  lambent  flame  they  inwardly  cherish,  until 
revenge  is  begotten  along  with  hatred,  envy,  and  malice. 
With  them,  therefore,  nothing  is  wantino;  but  opportu- 
nity to  destroy  the  reputation  and  life  of  the  object  of 
their  hatred,  with  safety  to  themselves;  but  very  often  it 
happens  that  their  hatred  and  revenge  destroy  their  sub- 
jects ere  they  have  an  opportunity  of  avenging  them- 
fcelves.  The  verbal  murderers  live  next  to  them,  in  a 
very  spacious  country,  because  they  are  very  numerous. 
By  the  verbal  murderers  I  mean  those  who  withhold 
from  the  character  of  others  the  good  which  they  do  de- 
serve, and  speak  of  them  the  evil  which  they  do  not 
deserve,  or  even  the  evil  which  they  do  deserve,  in  a 
way  in  which  they  would  not  wish  others  to  speak  of 
the'mselves,  in  like  circumstances.  I  attend,  for  my 
part,  in  many  companies,  where  the  conversation  can- 


88  DIALOGUES 

not  possibly  be  supported  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  but  at 
the  expense  of  some  absent  acquaintance.  And  so  fashion- 
able is  this  in  polite  life,  that  it  is  become  a  proverb, 
*'  That  scandal  is  the  very  life  and  soul  of  conversa- 
tion. "  To  this  petty  canton  belong  all  talebearers,  back- 
biters, railers,  evil  surmisers,  and  particularly  the  very 
obliging  gentry,  who  tack  but  to  the  end  of  all  their  en- 
comiums oti  ethers;  as,  '^He  is  a  good  sort  of  a  gentle- 
man, but;  or  she  is  an  agreeable  lady  enough,  but;" 
where,  you  may  observe,  that  little  unintelligible  word 
but,  stabs  the  gentleman  and  lady's  reputation  through 
End  through. 

Having  passed  through  this,  you  come  into  the  coun- 
try of  those  who  murder  with  their  looks.  In  this  coun- 
try you  may  see  an  eye  to  curse  a  man  to  hell  and  dam- 
nation, and  an  eyebrow  call  a  man  a  scoundrel,  and 
knock  him  dovrn.  The  Rev.  Mr.  Adam  Gib,  primate  of 
the  associate  synod  in  Scotland,  has  lately  had  his  heart 
Mounded  so  deeply,  by  the  looks  of  some  of  his  elders, 
that  it  is  thought  he  cannot  recover  the  stroke  as  long  as 
he  lives:  But,  for  the  good  of  the  public,  he  hath  prose- 
cuted them  before  the  presbytery,  who,  without  inquiring 
into  facts,  sentenced  the  reputation  of  the  irreverend  el- 
ders to  be  hanged,  drawn,  and  quartered,  to  the  great 
consolation  of  the  pious  sufi'erer.  As  soon  as  you  get  out 
of  this  country,  you  come, 

Fourthly,  into  a  very  extensive  plain,  inhabited  by 
what  may  be  called  domestic  murderers.  A  set  of  beings 
who  murder  with  impunity,  no  suitable  laws  being  pro- 
vided against  them. 

Here  dwells  the  parent,  who  spends  wastefully  what 
should  regularly  support  his  family,  so  that  his  chil- 
dren are  brought  up  in  the  most  dissolute  and  irreligi- 
ous manner,  as  a  preparative  to  the  most  vicious  practi- 
ces: Hence,  whether  the  children  prove  virtuous  or  vici- 
ous, strict  equity  accounts  the  profuse  and  careless  pa- 
rent the  murdertr.  Near  to  those  murderous  parents 
lives  the  lascivious  husband,  who  estrangeth  himself 
from  his  lawful  consort,  and  frequenteth  the  company 
of  lewd  women:  Many  you  may  find  here,  who,  as  the 
very  worst  of  felons,  rob  their  wives  and  children  of 
their  legal  property,  to  support  the  most  infamous  strum- 
pets, who,  like  the  horseleech,  are  continually  saying, 


OF  DEVILS.  89 

give,  give.  Such  men  are  sure  to  find  the  truth  of  that 
sajing',  "A  whore  is  a  deep  ditch."  Here  it  is  a  very 
common  thing  to  see  the  most  virtuous  women,  so  ill 
used  by  their  murderous  husbands,  that  they  languish 
and  grieve  under  their  affliction,  until  at  last  they 
die  of  a  broken  heart.  No  assassin  ever  better  deserved 
the  gallows,  than  such  husbands;  for  no  assissin  ever 
put  the  person  whom  he  murdered  to  equal  torture. 
The  very  same  may  be  said  of  the  lascivious  strum- 
pet, of  high  or  low  degree,  who  is  false  to  her  hus- 
band. 

Among  domestic  murderers  live  the  parents,  who, 
for  the  sake  of  an  agreeable  settlement,  oblige  their  chil- 
dren to  marry  with  persons  whom  they  cannot  possi- 
bly love.  This  lays  a  sure  foundation  for  certain  mur- 
der, and  brings  the  party  to  the  grave  in  the  most  dis- 
tressing manner. 

But  if  covetous  parents  would  only  consider,  that  a 
compelled  marriage  is  worse  than  a  poisoned  dagger 
plunged  into  the  bosom  of  their  offspring,  they  would 
certainly  have  more  compassion  than  to  persist  in  the 
iniquitous  measure.  Here  likewise  live  those,  who 
restrain  their  children  from  marrying  the  objects  of  their 
choice,  merely  because  there  is  a  deficiency  of  a  few 
hundreds,  or  thousands,  in  the  fortune.  Parents  who 
can  relish  nothing  but  money,  and  have  a  wrong  notion 
of  honour,  make  no  scruple  of  conscience,  to  render 
their  children  miserable  all  their  days,  rather  than  suf- 
fer them  to  marry  a  degree  and  half  below  themselves. 
It  is  very  strange,  that  the  laws  of  nations  should  make 
no  provision  against  this  murderj  and  stranger  still,  that 
those  of  Britain  countenance  and  encourage  it. 

However,  marriages  are  seldom  happy,  where  the  affec- 
tions are  not  joined,  prior  to  the  matrimonial  ceremony. 
Money  may  unite  the  persons,  but  it  cannot  unite  the 
aflections,  as  appears  in  numberless  instances:  Of  which 
disconsolate,  dull  and  heavy  hasbands,  broken  hearted 
wives,  frequent  divorces,  elopements,  domestic  quarrels, 
and  divided  families,  the  natural  effect  of  forced  mar- 
riages, are  evidences. 

There  is  yet  another  species  of  domestic  murderers, 
connived  at  by  the  law.  They  are  such  who  not  only 
train  up  their  children  in  idleness,   but  in  luxury  and 


90  DIALOGUES 

wantonness.  By  these  means  their  spendthrift  sons,  if 
of  high  birth,  are  fitted  to  become  robbers  of  the  nation, 
when  tlieir  own  fortunes  are  spent:  and  if  of  middle  life, 
they  are  fitted  for  the  highway  and  consequently  for  the 
halter.  Nor  is  this  method  of  training  up  less  fatal  in 
its  influence  on  the  female  sex;  for  it  prepares  them 
for  the  stews,  or  the  suburbs  of  the  stews,  where  gen- 
tlemen's courtezans  dwell,  perhaps  for  theft  and  then 
for  the  gallows.  Idleness  and  luxury  is  as  rank  poison 
to  the  mind,  as  arsenic  is  to  the  body.  Many  people, 
indeed,  lament  the  young  gentleman's  unhappy  fate, 
when  he  is  goin^  to  Tyburn;  but  very  few  censure  his 
parents,  as  the  first  cause  of  his  untimely  end,  by  the 
manner  in  which  they  brought  him  up.  This  is  some 
comfort  to  us,  however,  that  though  such  domestic  mur- 
derers act  with  impunity  from  man,  the  law  of  God  will 
take  such  notice  of  them  as  to  bring  them  to  hell,  if  their 
crimes  are  not  repented  of.  To  be  sure  it  would  be 
more  agreeable  to  us.  to  see  them  enter  hell  by  way  of 
Tyburn:  but  the  devil  cannot  always  have  his  will. 

Another  sort  are  very  careful  to  preserve  the  bodies 
of  their  children,  by  providing  diligently  for  them  the 
Decessaries  and  conveniences  of  life;  as  they  grow 
up,  are  as  careful  to  preserve  them  from  the  highway 
and  the  stews,  by  putting  into  their  hands  a  business 
by  which  to  obtain  a  comfortable  livelihood;  and,  after 
all,  prove  the  murderers  of  their  children.  For,  on 
the  one  hand,  they  restrain  them  not  from  bad  company, 
which  leads  to  destruction;  company  that  corrupts  the 
principles,  vitiates  the  conduct,  and  leads  into  bad  prac- 
tices, such  as  sabbath  breaking,  gaming,  lying,  swearing, 
&.C.  Nor  on  the  other  hand,  do  they  take  any  pains  to 
cultivate  their  infant  minds,  further  "than  to  know  how, 
when,  and  to  whom,  they  should  make  a  genteel  bow, 
and  courtesy,  and  how  to  express  the  modish  compli- 
ments in  a  graceful  manner.  They  never  once  deem  it 
necessary  to  instil  into  their  minds  an  early  sense  of  re- 
ligion and  virtue. 

Many  parents,  if  their  children  learn  a  little  polite  be- 
haviour, do  not  much  care  whether  they  read  the  Bible  at 
all. 

In  this  country  too  dwell  duellers,  boxers,  boasters, 
and  provokers;  all  the  bands  of  assassins,  and  intriguers 


OF  DEVILS.  91 

against  men's  lives.  His  hoary  holiness  is  captain  gen- 
eral of  this  band,  and  his  cardinals  and  inquisitors  are 
next  to  him  in  honour.  Here  dwell  persecutors  of  ev- 
ery name,  popish,  episcopal  or  presbyterian:  all  who 
impose  religion  on  men's  consciences  by  the  power  of  the 
sword. 

The  second  division  is  that  of  self-murderers,*  and  I 
assure  you,  sir,  this  is  a  very  populous  place,  more 
crowded  than  the  former.  Here  dwell  gluttons,  drunk- 
ards, and  intemperate  persons  in  general:  for  there  are 
more  who  eat  and  drink  themselves  to  death,  than  the 
fever,  the  consumption,  and  the  sw^ord  destroy.  Idle, 
lazy,  and  slothful  persons,  live  here,  under  the  character 
of  second-hand  murderers;  their  idle  habits  introducing 
diseases  of  the  most  fatal  nature.  The  immoderately 
careful,  also,  kill  themselves  v-ith  mere  anxiety.  In  the 
next  town  the  envious  are  stationed;  those  who  are  as 
mortally  wounded,  by  the  prosperity  of  their  neighbour, 
as  any  man  can  be  by  a  dagger.  In  the  suburbs  live 
those  whom  we  call  the  impatient;  for  trouble  is  not  so 
very  deathly  as  impatience  under  it.  Over  the  bridge 
live  the  ambitious,  a  people  of  lofty  views,  who  crack 
their  heart-strings  by  climbing.  In  the  neighbourhood 
of  the  latter  live  the  lascivious,  who  kill  themselves  by 
little  and  little,  and  parboil  their  flesh  ere  they  present 
it  to  the  worms.  I  might  add  to  this  list  a  prodigious 
number  besides,  known  among  us  by  the  name  of  soul 
murderers:  But  as  I  was  never  remarkable  for  knowledge 
in  casuistical  divinity,  I  shall  leave  this  to  others,  and 
proceed  to, 

The  seventh  and  royal  canton  of  drunkards;  which  is 
divided  into  two  very  grand  divisions,  the  first  of  which 
is  inhabited  by  the  sot,  and  the  second  by  merry  com- 
panions. The  soaking  sots  are  a  well  seasoned  race, 
who  seem  as  if  some  of  their  ancestors  had  been  of  the 
bristly  kind.  They  are  a  swiaish  set  of  people,  always 
grunting,  but  when  their  lips  are  in  the  cup;  unless  it 
maybe  that  the  calf  mounis  them  in  the  mornin^;,  and 
rides  them  until  half  past  two,  then  dismounts  just  in  the 
middle  of  dinner,  and  the  eagar  swnne  vaults  into  the 
saddle,  and  rides  them  until  they  are  lame.  The  ensign 
of  the  sots  division  is  a  long  tobacco  pipe,  and  greasy 
fore  breasts  of  a  coat,  and  if  any  man  have  business  witla 


92  DIALOGUES 

them,  he  would  do  well  to  wait  on  them  in  the  morning, 
before  the  calf  dismounts;  for  after  that  thejcan  do  noth- 
ing but  grunt,  until  sleep  dismounts  the  pig  again. 
Thus  thej  are  ridden  alternately  by  the  calf  and  the 
pig.  The  sots  drink  merely  for  the  sake  of  liquor;  and 
in  process  of  time  their  blood  becomes  so  inflamed,  that 
they  carry  the  arms  of  their  company  upon  their  faces, 
which  are  dyed  into  a  kind  of  bastard  scarlet  colour,  and 
grow  as  rough  as  the  skin  of  a  shark,  with  preternatural 
pimples. 

The  seoond  division  is  that  of  merry  companions,  or, 
according  to  men  of  learning,  good-fellows.  They  abhor 
the  name,  yet  love  the  practice  of  drunkards.  You  could 
not  affront  them  worse,  than  by  telling  them  they  are  in 
love  with  the  landlady,  for  the  sake  of  her  liquor.  Were 
you  to  ask  them  their  reasons  for  frequenting  the  tavern, 
they  would  soon  tell  you,  that  it  is  not  for  any  love  they 
have  to  the  liquor,  but  they  go  there  merely  for  the  sake 
of  good  company.  By  the  v^ay,  sire,  they  go  to  the  wrong 
place  to  seek  for  it;  for  no  good  company  haunts  taverns 
and  ale-houses.  Good  company  is  most  likely  to  be  found 
in  good  places;  but  taverns  and  ale-houses  are  quite  of 
another  cast,  being  public  portals,  through  which  many 
pass  to  the  nether  regions.  Yea,  such  a  good  opinion  has 
Beelzebub  conceived  of  them,  that  many  of  the  landla- 
dies, and  their  daughters,  are  appointed  his  factors  and 
agents  upon  earth. 

It  is  the  practice  of  merry  companions  to  meet  at  the 
tavern,  or  some  other  place  of  public  resort,  as  many 
evenings  in  the  week  as  business  will  admit  of,  to  read 
and  expound  the  newspapers,  give  their  opinion  of  the 
proceedings  of  the  ministry,  of  commercial  transactions, 
or  to  comment  on  the  operations  of  war.  Sometimes  they 
meet  to  play  what  they  call  a  civil  game  of  cards,  back- 
gammon, &c.  or  it  may  be  to  reproach  some  neighbour- 
ing presbyterian  parson  for  his  affected  sanctity:  For 
you  must  know  that  they  not  only  hate  sanctity  itself, 
butitsvery  appearance.  Often  you  may  hear  them  de- 
ride the  fanatic,  for  what  they  call  his  narrow  and  bigot- 
ed spirit,  and  at  the  same  time,  applaud  the  reverend  Mr. 
Liveloose,  for  an  affable,  free  and  generous  soul.  Many 
of  those  merry  companions,  who  will  by  no  means  bear 
the  name  of  drunkard,  I  can  pick  you  out,  who  will  drink 


OF  DEVILS.  93 

a  bottle  or  two  at  a  sitting,  and  go  home  betwixt  one  and 
two  in  the  morning,  with  eyes  as  fierce  as  those  of  a 
hjscna. 

In  short,  sir,  if  you  were  to  go  through  my  canton  of 
drunkards,  when  our  men  are  all  at  work,  you  would 
hear  a  great  noise  as  if  Vulcan  with  his  cyclops  were 
there,  hammering  thunderbolts  for  Jupiter.  And  would 
certainly  imagine,  that  hell  had  burst  its  belly,  and 
poured  out  its  entrail  amongst  us,  on  account  of  the 
hideous  cursing,  swearing,  damning,  sinking,  scolding 
and  bawling,  tearing  and  fighting,  boasting,  lying,  cheat- 
ing, and  unclean  words,  looks,  and  gestures,  which 
there  abound.  This,  sir,  is  the  royal  canton,  out  of 
which  I  choose  all  my  principal  men;  which  you  must 
cwn  to  be  sound  policy;  for  if  ever  I  can  get  a  man  to 
become  a  drunkard,  I  can  cause  him  to  commit  what 
wickedness  I  please;  and  I  must  tell  you,  that  this  can- 
ton is  inhabited  by  men  of  all  ranks,  occupations,  and 
persuasions. 

Thus,  reverend  father,  I  hav.e  given  you  a  brief  account 
of  my  dominions;  but  if  you  were  to  pass  through  the  sev- 
eral cantons,  and  see  them  all  yourself,  you  would  say, 
that  the  hundredth  part  has  not  been  told  you. 

IxFiDELis.  Oil,  my  chilij!  my  dear  Impiator,  how  my 
aged  heart  is  filled  with  joy,  on  hearing  your  pleasing 
story!  Illustrious  indeed  is  the  kingdom  of  Profanity  I 
You  honour  me,  my  son!  Your  success  does  great  hon- 
our to  the  name  of  Infidelis.  But,  I  pray,  do  you  know 
any  thing  of  a  set  of  people,  whom  they  call  Nazarenes. 
They  are  the  only  people  in  the  world  who  have  cast  off 
my  yoke.  Oh !  how  it  would  rejoice  me  to  hear  that  your 
craftiness  had  engaged  them  in  your  service! 

Impiator.  I  know  them  very  well.  A  small  body 
of  despised,  precise  creatures,  hated  by  all  the  world.  I 
assure  you,  sir,  I  have  done  all  that  lies  in  my  power  to 
bring  them  under  our  dominion.  But  mortified  I  am  to 
tell  you,  that  I  have  never  been  able  to  conquer  one  of 
them.  Imraanuel  hath  published  very  strict  laws  in  his 
kingdom,  absolutely  prohibiting  his  subjects  from  touch- 
ing, tasting,  or  handling  any  thing  that  belongs  to  us,  or 
so  much  as  visiting  our  cantons;  and  they  are  so  firmly  at- 
tached to  his  government,  that  it  is  with  the  greatest  dif- 
ficulty, now  and  then,  we  get  one  of  them  down  into  our 


94  DIALOGUES 

mines.  But  when  such  a  thing  does  happen,  my  sub- 
jects have  a  good  day  of  feasting  and  mirth;  send  gifts  to 
one  another,  of  such  things  as  they  have^  and  the  shouts 
of  joy,  "So  we  would  have  it,"  may  be  heard  in  all  the 
cantons  of  our  dominions. 

For  instance,  it  happened  once  that  Noah,  who  was,  in 
the  main,  an  utter  enemy  to  our  government,  was  induced 
to  make  a  visit  to  the  drunkard's  country,  which  caused 
much  gladness  through  all  the  land.  The  triumphal  flag 
was  displayed  upon  the  tents  of  Ham,  wherever  the  news 
was  spread;  and  every  man  reported  to  his  neighbour, 
saying,  "Behold,  he  is  become  like  one  of  us."  At  the 
same  time,  the  confederates  of  Shem  covered  themselves 
with  sackcloth,  put  ashes  on  their  heads,  exchanged  their 
pleasant  songs  for  lamentations,  mourning  and  wo:  un- 
til the  patriarch  was  safely  returned  to  his  own  country 
again. 

It  happened  also,  on  a  certain  time,  that  I  was  happy 
enough  to  inveigle  David  the  great,  within  the  borders  of 
the  adulterers'  canton;  who  to  cover  the  infamy  of  such 
an  expedition,  rushed,  with  violent  precipitation,  into  the 
very  heart  of  the  canton  of  murderers.  The  monarch's 
arrival  was  soon  proclaimed  among  all  the  murderers,  and 
adulterers,  who  made  a  grand  entertainment  on  the  occa- 
sion, and  invited  the  blasphemers  to  partake  with  them. 
Oh!  Infidelis,  if  you  were  there,  certainly  you  would  have 
tired  your  sides  with  laughing,  to  see  how  they  footed 
the  treble  dance,  whilst  the  music  played,  '"The  best  of 
them  are  as  bad  as  ourselves."  And  all  joined  together 
in  this  chorus, 

"What  we  do  in  public,  they  do  in  private, 
The  difference  is  only  in  show." 

Then  they  clapped  their  hands  and  shouted,  "So,  ho! 
brave  boys.  Now  we  are  all  on  one  side.  The  man  af- 
ter God's  own  heart  hath  joined  our  communion.  The 
psalmist  of  Israel  is  now  one  of  ourselves.  Hypocrites, 
altogether,  w^ho  pretend  to  more  religion  than  others.*' 
Thus  sire,  from  the  fall  of  one,  our  people  concluded  that 
all  were  bad. 

The  like  fell  out  in  the  case  of  Peter,  the  apostle,  who 
on  a  very  dark  night,  missing  his  way,  was  first  trapped 


OF  DEVILS.  95 

in  the  liar's  snare,  and  then  in  the  swearer's  gin,  so  that 
he  denied  the  Lord  who  bought  him,  and  cursed  and 
swore,  that  he  did  not  so  much  as  know  Jesus  of  Naza- 
reth. I  can  tell  you,  when  such  a  thing  does  happen, 
that  we  entrap  one  of  the  Nazarenes,  it  greatly  increaseth 
the  industry  of  my  subjects,  and  bends  them  more  than 
ever  under  my  yoke.  Indeed,  as  there  is  no  other  way 
to  Zion,  but  what  lies  directly  through  the  very  heart  of 
my  dominions,  there  is  now  and  then,  one  of  them  tum- 
bles into  our  mines,  especially  in  the  dark  and  long  nights 
of  winter. 

Infidelis.  Now  and  then,  child!  I  thought  you  had 
often  companies  of  them  at  once  in  your  dominions. 

Impiator.  No,  sir,  I  cannot  say  so.  I  will  tell  you 
how  the  mistake  happens.  We  frequently  have  compa- 
nies of  those  who  are  called  Nazarenes,  it  is  truej  but 
then  the  name  and  the  nature  are  two  different  things 
all  the  world  over.  In  order  to  bring  true  Christianity 
into  disgrace,  the  great  and  wise  Beelzebub  stirs  up  some 
of  our  country  people  to  put  on  the  outward  habit  of  the 
Nazarenes,  join  their  company,  and  travel  with  them,  al- 
most to  the  bordersof  the  kingdom  of  Profanity;  but  not 
one  of  them  can  be  persuaded  to  set  a  foot  out  of  their 
own  country.  As  those  people  pass  along  the  road,  in 
their  own  country,  it  is  not  much  to  be  wondered  at,  if 
they  do  occasionally  try  their  hands  at  their  old  employ- 
ments. But  as  for  the  real  Nazarenes,  I  assure  you,  I 
very  seldom  meet  with  one,  who  has  curiosity,  so  much 
as  to  view  our  land  as  he  passes  through  it.  Even  when 
our  subtle  emissaries  do  entrap  one,  let  me  and  my  chiv- 
alry do  what  we  can,  we  never  detain  him  beyond  a  cer- 
tain time;  when  some  powerful  messenger  is  despatched 
from  the  skies,  to  deliver  him  out  of  our  tenacious  hands. 
But  we  have  the  satisfaction  of  often  procuring  them  a  hear- 
ty drubbing,  so  that  many  of  them  go  halting  to  their  grave. 
I,  myself,  have  seen  Immanuel  meet  them,  in  the  very 
midst  of  our  kingdom,  seize,  bind,  and  chastise  them, 
until  with  blurred  faces,  they  humbly  submitted  to  kiss 
the  rod,  and  heartily  blessed  God,  that  ever  the  birch 
tree  was  planted. 

Infidelis.  Aye,  child,  they  are  made  to  kiss  the  rod, 
that  1$  the  plague  of  it;  for  then  they  bid  farewell  to  the 


96  DIALOGUES 

pleasures  of  profanity.  Oh!  were  it  but  possible,  bj 
any  means  to  harden  them  against  the  rod,  what  advan- 
tages might  we  reap  from  it!  Or  indeed,  could  we,  as  I 
have  often  strove  to  do,  make  them  faint  under  it,  it 
would  answer  the  same  end.  But,  beyond  all  our  power 
to  hinder,  Immanuel  does  somehow,  along  with  the  stroke, 
convey  sustaining  strength.  Yea,  sometimes,  even  makes 
the  rod  itself,  in  some  respects,  pleasant,  and  at  all  times 
profitable  to  them.  Ah!  my  son,  we  shall  never  be  able 
to  rob  him  of  one  of  his  own;  for  when  he  chastiseth  them 
with  a  visible  hand,  he  sustaineth  and  comforteth  them 
\vith  a  hand  invisible. 

But  let  us  not  be  discouraged,  nor  yield  the  contest. 
Let  us  destroy  whom  we  can,  and  let  us  disturb  and  dis- 
tract the  minds  of  those  whom  we  cannot  destroy.  Let 
us  think  of  the  great  Beelzebub,  what  achievements  he  is 
daily  performing,  notwithstanding  he  groans  in  the  yoke 
of  eternal  despair.  And  for  your  encouragement,  my 
dear  Impiator,  let  me  tell  you,  such  is  your  care  to  main- 
tain a  despotic  sway  over  your  subjects,  and  such  is  their 
attachment  to  your  person  and  government,  that  both  you 
and  they  may  be  assured  of  warm  lodgings  in  the  palace 
of  great  Beelzebub,  as  soon  as  this  world  ceaseth  to  be 
the  stage  of  action. 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  such  is  the  flourishing  state  of  my 
kingdom  at  present;  but  I  have  my  shocks  at  one  time 
and  another.  It  is  but  a  few  years  since  I  was  terribly 
afraid  lest  I  should  have  lost  my  British  subjects. 

IxFiDELis.  Lost  yo-ur  British  subjects,  my  son!  Who, 
or  what  is  he,  who  dared  to  attempt  any  thing  against  the 
great  Profanity? 

Impiator.  Ah!  sire,  a  powerful  enemy:  no  less  a  per- 
son than  George  the  Third.  He  was  an  enemy  to  my  pow- 
erful sway  when  he  was  only  Prince  of  AVales;  and  as 
soon  as  he  ascended  the  throne  he  more  openly  showed 
his  dislike  to  me;  published  an  edict  for  banishing  me 
from  his  dominions;  enjoined  his  officers  to  apprehend  me 
wherever  I  was  to  be  found;  and,  under  the  penalty  of 
his  displeasure,  prokibited  his  subjects  from  entertaining 
me  at  any  time,  especially  upon  the  Sabbath  day;  a  day 
on  which  I  am  used  to  get  above  double  business  done  for 
Beelzebub.  Had  I  not  been  well  befriended  by  the  British 


OF  DEVILS.  97 

tiobility,  as  well  a^  bv  the  commons  of  the  land,  bad  davs 
had  come  upon  me:  for  what  will  not  precept,  enforced 
by  example,  be  able  to  accomplish? 

Had  he,  like  many  princes  before  him,  only  enacted 
laws  against  me,  and  still  continued  to  correspond  with 
me  himself,  1  should  have  had  little  to  fearj  but  would 
you  think  it,  sir,  he  actually  attempted  to  clear  the  court 
of  me;  will  suffer  no  swearing  in  his  presence,  nor  gaming 
on  the  Sabbath  evenings  in  his  palace,  and  even  discour- 
ageth  drunkenness  and  debauchery.  Indeed,  sir,  if  in- 
ferior magistrates  had  all  been  of  the  same  disposition 
with  their  king,  poor  Impiator  had  been  obliged  to  quit  the 
realm,  and  live  in  exile,  like  the  devil  Crudelis. 

Infidelis.  That  the  king  of  England  is  a  sober  and 
virtuous  prince  will  admit  of  no  di-'pute;  but  the  case  of 
Impiator  can  never  be  desperate  whilst  you  and  I  are  in 
such  high  esteem  with  so  many  magistrates  and  placemen. 
We  shall  be  regarded  much  sooner  than  he.  So  long;  as 
inferior  ;nagistrates  can  be  kept  in  subjection  to  us,  there 
is  no  fear  of  our  interest,  let  the  prince  be  ever  so  virtu- 
ous. I,  as  an  old  stander  in  the  world,  have  seen  much  of 
mankind,  and  out  of  my  consummate  experience  shall 
offer  some  things  for  your  encouragement. 

A  good  king  may  enact  good  laws;  but  it  is  impossible 
he  should  execute  them  without  the  assistance  of  his  sub- 
jects; therefore  your  kingdom,  my  son,  can  never  suffer 
until  a  law  be  made  which  shall  render  all  common  drunk- 
ards, swearers,  sabbath-breakers,  whoremongers,  extor- 
tioners, &c.  incapable  of  the  office  of  a  magistrate.  Whilst 
magistrates  can  suffer  buying  and  selling  on  the  sabbath 
day;  whoredom,  drunkenness  and  swearing  to  abound  in 
the  streets  with  impunity,  what  hath  Impiator  to  fear? 
Doth  it  not  demonstratively  prove  that  such  magistrates 
are  firmly  attached  to  the  devil  Impiator.  No  danger, 
my  son,  no  danger  at  alll  Let  the  king  and  queen  both 
abhor  you  ever  so  much,  unless  they  can  get  men  of  vir- 
tuous dispositions  established  in  places  of  trust,  the  devil 
Impiator  shall  reign,  in  spite  of  all  they  can  do  to  pre- 
vent it. 

Do  you  think  that  a  magistrate,  who  is  himself  a  drunk- 
ard, will  ever  strive  to  suppress  the  beastly  sin  of  drunk- 
enness in  others?  Or  that  he  who  is  a  profane  swearer, 
and  tolerates  the  practice  of  swearing  in  his  own  house- 
9 


98  DIALOGUES 

hold,  will  ever  exert  bis  power  to  suppress  it  in  others? 
Can  it  be  thought  that  a  man  who  keeps  his  woman,  in- 
stead of  his  wife,  will  be  very  assiduous  to  suppress  the 
reigning  sin  of  whoredom?  Or  that  he  who  can,  without 
conscience,  grind  the  faces  of  the  poor,  will  ever  be  a  pro- 
moter of  piety.  Never  fear  it,  Impiator.  All  you  have 
to  do  is  to  debauch  the  minds  of  as  many  magistrates  as 
you  can;  then  you  will  have  the  vulgar  of  course,  when 
they  see  vice  reign  with  impunity.* 

Impiator.  After  all,  sir,  I  think  there  is  reason  for 
some  fear,  when  we  consider  the  power  of  example.  You 
remember  how,  according  to  tradition,  it  turned  the  heads 
of  all  the  Macedonian  army  to  the  one  shoulder  in  the 
days  of  Alexander,  and  how  it  raised  a  hump  upon  most 
of  the  genteel  backs  in  England  in  the  days  of  king 
Richard  the  Third,  of  bloody  memory.  Now,  sir,  if  ex- 
ample were  to  have  the  like  effect  at  present,  Impiator 
could  not  live  in  England. 

Ikfidelis.  I  am  sensible,  son,  that  a  virtuous  example 
is  not  without  its  proper  influence;  but  this  I  have  always 
seen,  people  are  more  easily  drawn  by  example  into  vice, 
or  even  into  things  indifferent,  than  into  virtue.  Assure 
yourself  it  will  require  a  stronger  power  than  the  example 
of  the  best  and  wisest  of  men  to  draw  a  vicious  person  to 
the  love  of  virtue. 

Should  the  virtuous  example  of  a  prince  have  any  in- 
fluence upon  others,  you  must  take  care  to  nick-name 
them,  get  them  pointed  and  hissed  at,  and  despised,  and 
all  will  go  on  very  quietly. 

Let  us  now  go  in  quest  of  our  kindred,  my  son.  I  ex- 
pected to  have  seen  some  of  them  here  this  morning. 


'  This  second  sighted  devil  seems  to  have  judged  rightly  of  the 
case,  for  proianeness  of  every  kind  has  made  most  awful  advances 
in  the  present  reign,  notwithstanding  the  \irtue  of  the  sovereign. 
Divorces,  consequent  upon  conjugal  infidelity,  were  never  so  rife 
since  England  became  a  nation.  5lasquerades  and  routs,  which  re- 
ceived but  little  countenance  in  some  former  reigns,  in  this  meet 
with  all  that  the  vainest  heart  can  wish  for.  That  this  is  the  case^ 
let  Connelly's,  the  pantheon,  and  the  female  cotery,  bear  witness. 


OF  DEVILS.  99 


DIALOGUE  \  III. 

INFIDELIS,  AVARO,  FASTOSUS,  IMPIATOR,  AND 
DISCORDANS. 

Infidelis  and  Impiator  had  but  just  done  talking  toge- 
ther, and  were  about  departing;,  when  Fastosus,  Avaro, 
and  Discordans  came  up  the  valley,  and  saluted  each  his 
kindred^  in  which  salutation  Infidelis  thus  began: 

Infidelis.  Honour  and  renown  to  the  great  Fastosus! 
Furious  contentions  to  restless  Discordansl  and  heaps  of 
g-litterino;  wealth  to  the  careful  Avarol  To- which  infernal 
salutation 

Fastosus  replied:  Darkness  and  confusion  surround 
mj  brother  Infidelis!  Lewdness  and  debauchery  attend 
my  cousin  Impiator!  I  am  glad  to  see  so  many  of  our 
family  in  the  valley  at  once. 

Infidelis.  I  pray  you,  cousin  Discordans,  how  do  you 
do?     These  many  weeks  have  passed  since  I  saw  you. 

Discordans.  Even  jaded  out  of  breath,  uncle.  How 
do  you  do,  most  Rev.  sir?  and  how  do  you,  my  worthy 
cousin? 

Infidelis.  Having,  with  great  care,  caused  our  influ- 
ences to  rest  upon  our  subjects,  we  came  hither  to  the 
valley  to  regale  ourselves  with  a  dish  of  sweet  conversa- 
tion, which  we  hope  will  now  be  more  agreeable,  on  the 
arrival  of  so  many  celebrated  worthies.  But  I  would 
know,  cousin,  where  you  have  been  so  long? 

Discordans.  Been'  I  have  been  busy,  wandering  to 
and  fro  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  as  usual,  promoting  the 
interests  of  great  Beelzebub.  So  diligent  have  I  been, 
that  I  have  had  no  time,  since  I  saw  you  last,  so  much  as 
to  take  a  nap.  But,  as  you  observed  just  now,  having 
left  my  influences  upon  mankind,  I  hope  to  enjoy  the 
pleasure  of  my  uncle's  company  for  a  season. 

Infidelis.  How,  cousin?  Are  you  so  close  at  it?  I 
thought  your  afikirs  had  been  urgent  only  upon  certain 
occasions. 

Discordans.  Indeed,  sir,  mankind  are  fond  of  me,  al- 


100  DIALOGUES 

most  to  distraction.  I  believe  I  have  as  much  businefSr 
now-a-days,  as  any  devil  of  the  club;  and  I  manage  my 
aftairs  with  as  much  dexterity  too. 

Infidelis.  What  is  that  staff  you  have  in  your  hand, 
cousin?  And  what  is  that  lookinjj-jlass,  that  hangs  by 
your  side?  By  your  looks  you  are  too  vigorous  to  need  a 
staff  to  lean  upon;  and  to  judge  by  the  appearance  of  your 
person  and  dress,  I  should  have  thought  you  had  as  little 
need  of  a  looking-glass. 

DiscoRDANS.  You  are  pleased  to  banter  a  little,  sir. 
But  that  which  is  well  received,  is  never  ill  delivered. 
This,  which  you  call  a  staff,  sir,  is  my  telescope.  And 
this  glass  is  my  inverting  mirror.  The  two  chosen  instru- 
ments by  which  I  carry  on  all  my  operations. 

Tmpiator.  1  thought,  cousin,  we  devils  have  no  need  of 
glasses,  either  perspective  or  visual.  Whatl  is  your  sight 
bad,  Discordans? 

DiscoRDANS.  Xo,  no,  my  sight  is  as  piercing  as  the  eye 
of  an  eagle;  but,  piercing  as  it  is,  I  cannot  do  without  my 
glasses. 

Impiator.  Then  I  suppose  the  glasses  are  for  the  use 
of  your  subjects.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  never  took  you  to  be 
a  friendly  devil  before. 

Discordans.  Not  so  friendly  as  you  imagine,  coz?  nor 
are  the  glasses  for  their  use,  but  for  their  abuse.  For 
there  is  not  one  who  makes  use  of  either  glass,  but  he  is 
abused  as  sure  as  ever  he  uses  it.  This  is  no  very  great 
friendship,  sir.  is  it? 

IxFiDELis.  No,  cousin;  if  so,  you  approve  yourself  the 
offspring  of  great  lieelzebub.  I  should  be  glad  to  hear 
something  of  their  uses,  and  the  manner  of  your  opera- 
tion by  them. 

DiscoRDAxs.  I  am  ready  to  oblige  you,  sir,  if  the  great 
Fastosus  is  pleased  to  permit  me. 

Fastosus.  You  do  me  honour,  my  son;  I  permit  you, 
with  all  my  heart. 

Discordans.  Then,  sir,  if  you  please,  you  shall  try  my 
telescope  first.  Take  it  in  your  hand,  sir,  and  put  it  to 
your  eye.     Now,  sir,  what  do  you  seer 

Infidelis.  See!  I  see  the  greatest  mountain  that  ever  I 
beheld!  The  top  of  it  reacheth  even  to  the  stars.  Stranse! 
I  did  not  think  there  had  been  such  a  thing  in  the  world: 


OF  DEVILS.  lai 

Why,  the  highest  mountain  in  Armenia  is  but  a  hillock, 
^vhen  compared  to  this. 

DiscoRDANS.  Now,  sir,  be  pleased  to  take  down  the 
glass:  look  the  same  way  with  your  naked  eye,  and  try 
what  you  can  discover. 

Infidelis.  Nay,  now  I  can  see  nothing  at  all  but  a 
inolehill,  about  a  score  of  yards  from  us.  But  what  is 
gone  with  the  mountain,  think  you.^ 

DiscoRDAxs.  That  very  molehill,  sir,  is  the  mountain 
which  you  saw.  To  convince  you  of  it,  Impiator  shall 
make  the  trial  likewise.  Now,  Impiator,  what  do  you 
seer 

Impiator.  See !  why  I  see  the  wondrous  mountain;  and 
I  see  a  prodigious  number  of  monsters,  ten  times  as  big 
as  an  elephant,  travelling  up  the  sides  of  it! 

DiscoRDANS.  Now,  Sir,  the  molehill  is  the  mountain, 
and  the  ants  are  the  monsters  that  inhabit  it. 

Infidelis.  Amazing!  that  any  instrument  can  change 
the  appearance  of  things  so  much  from  the  reality.  In- 
deed, Discordans,  I  can  hardly  believe  mj^  own  eyes. 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  you  shall  have  full  conviction.     Put 
the  glass  to  your  eye,  and  mind  well  when  I  roll  this  ball 
-on  the  green,  and  tell  me  what  it  appears  to  you  to  be. — 
Now,  sir,  you  have  seen  it,  what  do  you  say? 

Infidelis.  I  am  more  astonished  than  ever.  It  appear- 
ed to  be  well  nigh  as  huge  as  the  body  of  Saturn,  and 
seemed  to  roll  through  immeasurable  space.  Now  I  am 
convinced,  incredulous  as  I  am. 

Discordans.  All  is  well  so  far.  Now  you  shall  try  the 
other  end  of  the  telescope,  and  learn  the  wonders  of  mi- 
niature. Let  us  look  towards  the  other  side  of  the  val- 
ley. You  see  a  very  large  oak,  whose  arms  are  extended 
at  least  two  hundred  feet  in  breadth.  Do  you  not  see  it, 
sir? 

Infidelis.  See  it!  How  you  talk!  I  might  see  that 
tree  without  spectacles  if  I  were  three-fourths  blind. 

Discordans.  Be  not  too  positive,  sir.  Take  a  good 
view  of  it  now,  lest  you  should  not  readily  apprehend  it 
with  the  glass. 

Infidelis.  Why,  cousin,  I  cannot  fail  seeing  this  tree 
at  the  first  trial,  it  is  such  a  large  one.  and  just  at  hand 
tool 

9* 


102  DIALOGUES 

DiscoRDANS.  Well  then,  please  to  put  (he  glass  to  your 
eye  the  contrary  way  to  what  you  did  before. — Now,  sir, 
what  do  you  see? 

Infidelis.  I  can  see  nothing  at  all.  What  is  become 
of  the  tree,  think  you? 

DiscoRDANS.  Look  better,  sir.  The  tree  stands  just 
where  it  did,  I  assure  you. 

Impiator.  I  suppose  my  father  has  not  the  glass  right 
at  his  eye;  has  he,  cousin? 

Discordans.  Yes,  yes,  it  is  yery  right.  Do  you  dis- 
cover any  thing;  of  the  tree  yet? 

Infidelis.  No,  nothing  at  all.  Is  not  the  glass  fallen 
out,  think  you? 

Discordans.  No,  sir,  the  glass  is  all  right.  But  tell 
me,  do  you  see  nothing  of  any  kind? 

Infidelis.  Yes,  1  see,  at  a  prodigious  distance,  some 
kind  of  a  shrub,  about  the  size  of  a  common  thistle.  To 
me  it  appears  to  be  about  fifteen  inches  high. 

Discordans.  Look  steadfastly  at  it,  sir,  and  see  if  you 
can  find  out  wliat  species  it  is  of. 

Infidelis.  I  take  it  to  be  a  small  oak  plant;  but,  at 
such  a  distance,  it  is  not  easy  to  distinguish  the  species  of 
such  a  diminutive  shrub. 

Discordans.  Now,  sir,  I  perceive  you  discern  it  right; 
if  you  please  you  may  take  down  the  glass.  You  see,  sir, 
the  oak  tree  stands  just  where  it  did;  and  now  you  disco- 
ver nothing  of  the  shrub.  Believe  me,  sir,  the  plant  which 
you  saw  is  none  other  than  that  stately  oak,  magically  di- 
minished in  its  appearance  by  the  power  of  the  glass. 
The  oak  itself  hath  undergone  no  change,  neither  did  the 
ball,  nor  the  molehill.  Ail  the  change  is  only  in  appear- 
ance. 

Infidelis.  I  am  amazed  at  the  astonishing  powers  of 
this  instrument.  When  it  is  used  one  way,  it  magnifies 
a  molehill  to  a  stupendous  mountain,  and  a  tennis  ball  to 
a  world;  and  when  used  the  contrary  way,  it  reduceth 
an  oak,  of  the  most  gigantic  stature,  into  one  of  the  most 
dwarfish  shrubs.  I  pray  you,  cousin,  what  is  the  name  of 
this  instrument,  and  where  was  it  invented? 

Discordans.  Sir,  the  name  of  this  amazing  instru- 
ment is  Prejudice;  it  was  invented  by  Lucifer,  the  mo^t 
famous  mathematician  in  htjll,  and  is" of  excellent  use  in 


OF  DEVILS.  lOS 

forwarding  the  delightful  works  of  darkness,  and  se- 
curing the  dominion  of  Beelzebub  over  mankind  upon 
earth. 

Infidelis.  Dear  cousin,  I  am  quite  impatient  to  have  a 
descriptionof  its  uses.  It  cannot  fail  of  being  of  excellent 
service,  if  skilfully  managed,  as  I  doubt  not  it  is,  in  the 
hand  of  Discordans. 

DiscoRDAxs.  Sir,  having  already  seen  something  of  its 
amazing  effects,  you  may  well  believe  it  is  very  useful  to 
me.  By  this  partial  glass  it  is  I  sow  contention,  strife, 
and  discord  wherever  I  come.  It  is  my  custom,  when  1 
begin  my  operations,  and  intend  to  set  people  together 
by  the  ears,  to  visit  each  of  them  separately;  apply  my 
glass  to  his  eye  in  the  magnifying  way;  and,  as  you  see 
it  is  so  constructed  that  it  will  turn  any  way,  I  turn  it 
towards  himself,  by  which  he  obtains  a  partial  view  of 
his  own  virtue  and  merit.  Then  I  apply  the  glass  thn 
contrary  way,  and  direct  my  dupe  to  consider  his  vicei 
in  the  diminishing  medium,  by  wliich  he  almost,  if  not 
wholly,  loseth  sight  of  them.  Having  had  such  a  partial 
view  of  his  own  virtues  and  vices,  the  fcol  takes  the 
former  to  be  a  thousand  times  greater,  and  the  latter  a 
thousand  times  less,  than  they  really  are.  By  these 
means  he  is  prejudiced  in  his  own  favour  so  far,  that  he 
he  is  ready  to  quarrel  with  all  who  think  not  so  well  of 
him  as  he  does  of  himself.  Thus  I  prejudice  almost 
every  man  in  his  own  favour  so  far,  that  each  looks  upon 
himself  as  most  worthy  of  general  regard.  From  this  ic 
is  that  you  may  meet  with  a  drummer  who  looks  upon 
himself  as  more  able  to  command  well  than  his  colonel: 
or  a  catchpole  who  deems  himself  fit  for  an  alderman; 
and  a  scurvy  attorney,  who  flatters  himself  that  he  knows 
more  than  the  lord  chancellor  of  the  realm. 

But  for  this  prejudice  in  their  own  favour,  you  should 
never  hear  of  revolutions  of  states,  destructive  wars, 
cruel  assassinations,  and  domestic  broils,  among  man- 
kind, so  grateful  to  us  infernal  spirits.  It  is  by  this  de- 
vice you  will  find  one  fool  wiser  in  his  own  conceit  than 
ten  men  who  can  render  a  reason.  Yea,  gentlemen,  it  is 
from  the  good  opinion  almost  every  man  hath  of  himself, 
originally  derived  from  the  use  of  my  partial  telescope, 
that  all  divisions  and  animosities,  of  every  kind,  and  a- 


104  DIALOGUES 

mongst  every  people,  in  church  and  state,  do  ftoti^/ 
Though,  indeed,  the  gentlemen  concerned  in  religious 
contentions  would  persuade  the  world  that  it  is  the  glory 
of  God,  and  the  furtherance  of  the  gospel,  they  have  in 
view,  in  all  their  curses  and  anathemas  which  they  toss 
and  retoss  against  one  another.  The  vulgar  take  it  for 
granted  to  be  so,  and  therefore  readily  join  with  their 
reverend  leaders. 

In  the  mean  while,  man  being  sufficiently  prejudiced  in 
his  own  favour,  I  betake  me  to  the  following  operations, 
from  whence  all  jealousies,  backbitings,  inurmurings,  evil 
surmisings.  Lc.  spring:  I  put  the  diminishing  end  of  my 
telescope  to  the  eye  of  niy  dupe,  and  direct  him  thus  to 
behold  the  virtues  of  his  neighbour.  The  instance  of  the 
oak,  reduced  to  the  most  diminutive  shrub,  will  convince 
you  that  a  man's  virtue  will  appear  little  enough,  if  at  all 
discernible,  when  viewed  with  my  partial  glass.  So  when 
the  man  with  it  examines  the  virtue  of  his  neighbours,  he 
is  put  to  his  wit's  end  to  find  any  virtue  at  all,  just  as  you 
were  to  find  out  the  oak:  But  he  sees,  as  he  thinks,  too 
much  cause  to  conclude  that  his  neighbour  is  a  very  bad 
man.  And  if  such  a  thing  should  be  that  a  man's  virtue 
is  so  strong  that  it  forceth  evidence,  even  over  the  belly 
of  prejudice,  by  its  own  native  lustre,  its  appearance  is 
changed  from  its  reality,  as  the  oak  to  the  shrub,  in  the 
foregoing  experiment. 

Then  I  direct  my  disciple  to  apply  the  magnifying  end 
of  the  telescope,  and  to  take  an  ample  view  of  his  neigh- 
bour's vices  and  deformity:  and  this  he  doth  to  the  great- 
est advantage.  The  two  instances  of  a  molehill  trans- 
formed to  a  mountain,  and  a  rolling  ball  to  a  revolving 
world,  will  convince  you  how  glaring  a  man's  vices  will 
be  when  viewed  with  the  magnifying  end  of  my  valuable 
telescope,  prejudice- 
On  obtaining  this  discovery,  says  my  dupe,  *' Ah!  how 
glaring  his  vices  appear!  When  I  sought  for  virtue,  I 
could  not  discern  so  much  as  the  smallest  of  her  traces  in 
him;  but  now  1  seek  for  his  vices,  truly  there  is  nothing 
else  to  be  seen.  Can  he  be  a  christian?  No,  surely !  If 
this  be  Christianity,  1  will  forever  renounce  it.''  Thus, 
my  reverend  uncle,  I  frequently  persuade  people,  who 
are  really  worthless,  to  despise,  revile,  and  contemn  those 


OF  DEVILS.  105 

who  are,  in  every  respect,  much  preferable  to  themselves; 
to  deny  the  character  of  virtuous  men  even  to  the  most 
virtuous  of  their  day. 

IxFiDELis.  Now,  nephew,  you  delight  my  ear  indeed, 
and  r  freely  own  you  of  my  illustrious  kindred;  nur 
are  you  less  dexterous  in  pursuit  of  your  calling  than  the 
greatest  of  all  our  fraternity;  the  great  Fastosus  and  I 
ofily  excepted. 

Impiator.  Gentlemen.  I  have  been  silent  a  long  time, 
which  I  believe  I  am  as  little  given  to  as  any;  but  now 
wonder  unbraces  my  tongue,  and  1  cannot  but  admire  the 
art  and  industry  of  my  cousin  Discordans. 

Disco RDANS.  Although  I  am  no  way  remarkable  for 
gratitude,  I  thank  you,  cousin  Impiator,  for  your  compli- 
ment. There  is  this  glass,  which  likewise  demands  your 
attention.     Will  you  please  to  examine  it.  gentlemen? 

Infidelis.  Come  cousin,  I  will.  Please  to  let  me  look 
at  it. 

Discordans.  Now  for  a  fresh  surprise.  Do  you  please 
to  place  the  mirror,  and  look  into  it. 

Infidelis.  I  will,  cousin.  But  what  is  the  matter, 
think  you?  1  see  nothing  but  gross  darkness.  How  comes 
this  to  pass,  Discordans? 

Discordans.  It  is  the  nature  of  the  instrument.  Be 
pleased  to  turn  yourself  so  as  to  look  upon  either,  or  all 
of  us,  in  it.     Now,  sir,  what  do  you  see? 

Infidelis.  Strange!  you  all  appear  as  angels  of  light. 
Did  1  not  perfectly  know  the  contrary,  I  could  have  sworn 
upon  the  alcoran,  or  the  mass  book,  that  Impiator  had 
been  Uriel;  Avaro  had  been  the  genius  of  benevolence; 
that  Fastosus  had  been  humility;  and  you,  Discordans, 
the  angel  of  peace. 

This  glass  is  really  more  wonderful  than  the  former. 
What  an  amazing  povver  of  invertion  it  hath,  cousin? 
Why  it  transformeth  light  into  darkness,  and  darkness 
into  light;  changeth  the  appearance  of  devils  into  that  of 
angels  of  light.  Well,  Discordans,  if  this  will  not  an- 
swer your  end,  I  do  not  know  what  will.  I  pray  you, 
cousin,  what  do  you  call  it? 

Discordans.  This,  sir,  I  call  my  inverting  mirror;  but 
the  proper  name  of  it  is  false  reasoning:  an  instrument 
of  the  true  Luciferian  construction,  and  most  admirably 
adapted  to  my  dividing  purposes.     It  is  the  oracle  <it 


106  DIALOGUES 

which,  for  the  most  part,  mankind  inquire  after  the  truth 
of  any  matter.  But,  from  what  you  have  seen,  you  wil! 
readily  believe  that  there  is  no  truth  in  it^  therefore,  its 
discoveries,  if  the  truth  were  known,  would  be  deemed 
absolute  falsehood.  But  I  am  very  careful  to  keep  up  its 
honour  with  the  people,  as  I  could  do  but  little  business 
without  it. 

Fastosus.  Right,  my  son,  and  it  proves  to  be  in  high 
esteem;  for  the  ancients  were  not  more  fond  of  our  bro- 
ther Apollo,  who  kept  his  court  at  Delphos,  than  the  mo- 
derns are  of  the  inverting  mirror  of  false  reasoning. 

Infidelis.  Good  cousin,  a  v/ord  or  two  concerning  its 
uses;  yea,  make  an  oration  of  it,  if  you  please;  for  it  will 
be  very  agreeable,  even  to  Impiator  himself,   I  dare  say. 

Impiator.  No  danger  of  me,  I  assure  you!  I  begin  now 
to  have  some  taste  for  information,  all  that  I  have  heard 
being  so  very  agreeable.  Cousin  Discordans,  you  may 
freely  proceed,  without  any  fear  of  bearing  too  hard  upon 
my  patience. 

Discordans.  But  for  this  inverting  mirror,  gentlemen, 
I  could  do  but  little  against  the  children  of  men;  for  ex- 
cellent as  my  telescope  of  prejudice  is,  it  would  be  alto- 
gether useless,  but  for  the  mirror:  But  by  the  help  of  this, 
the  telescope  performeth  mighty  deeds  in  favour  of  our 
government. 

By  this  mirror  it  is  I  cause  offence  to  be  taken  when 
none  is  offered  nor  designed;  yea,  even  when  the  good  of 
the  party  is  sought  after;  and  thus  I  foment  differences 
amidst  the  most  fervent  solicitations  for  unity.  A  certain 
great  man,  some  thousand  years  since,  had  such  a  proof 
of  this,  that  he  complained  bitterly  against  our  people, 
saying,  "  When  I  am  for  peace,  they  are  for  war.*' 

By  this  mirror  it  is  that  public  or  private  reproof  is  not 
only  rendered  useless,  but  even  hurtful  to  the  party  re- 
proved, and  frequently  prejudicial  to  society.  So  very 
much  are  people  given  to  examine  all  matters  in  our  fa- 
mous mirror,  that  it  is  almost  impossible  to  point  out  one 
man  in  a  whole  county  who  hath  wisdom  enough  to  bear 
reproof  with  becoming  patience.  So  that  if  it  is  an  argu- 
ment of  folly  to  turn  away  the  ear  from  reproof,  or  to 
harden  the  heart  against  rebuke,  these  are  brave  days  tW 
folly. 

By  this  wonderful  mirror  I  make  even  the  preached 


OF  DEVILS.  107 

word  not  on^y  useless  to  many,  but  offensive  to  some. 
For  instance,  it  sometimes  happens  that  the  preacher,  as 
it  is  his  duty,  exclaims  against  drunkenness:  at  that  in- 
stant I  step  up  to  the  drunkard,  and  hold  the  mirror  be- 
fore his  eyes;  immediately  he  begins  to  view  the  parson's 
conduct  in  a  very  uncharitable  light,*  and,  as  a  guilty  con- 
science needs  no  accuser,  he  concludes  it  is  himself  that 
is  aimed  at.  "  Well,  says  he,  I  see  how  it  is;  some  spite- 
ful person  hath  told  him  that  I  was  drunk  the  other  night, 
and  he  is  wicked  enough  to  expose  me  to  all  the  congre- 
gation. Has  he  no  faults  of  his  own,  that  he  can  be  so 
free  in  trumping  up  other  people's  failings?  Cannot  he 
preach  the  gospel  without  railing  against  individuals?" 

Infidelis.  I  have  often  seen  it  to  be  dangerous  to  our 
interests  for  a  person  to  go  with  a  guilty  conscience  to 
where  there  is  a  faithful  ministry. 

DiscoRDANS.  By  this  time  I  clap  my  telescope  to  his 
eye,  and  direct  him  to  view  the  parson  with  it;  which  is 
no  sooner  done,  than  he  exclaims,  ''Aye,  aye,  his  vices 
are  as  great  as  mine!  and  greater  too.  If  he  is  not  a  drunk- 
ard, he  is  something  as  bad;  he  is  covetous;  all  know- 
that:  and  he  is  uncharitable  and  spiteful."  Then  I 
turn  the  end  of  my  telescope  towards  himself.  "  Well, 
saith  he,  the  parson  himself  is  more  wicked  by  one  half 
than  I  am.  I  meddle  with  no  man's  character.  I  am  in 
charity  with  all  men.  I  am  just  and  honest  in  all  my  deal- 
ings. If  I  hurt  any  body,  it  is  myself,  and  what  can  the 
meddling  fellow  have  to  do  with  that?" 

Thus  doth  this  wonderful  instrument  invert  the  nature 
of  things,  so  as  to  turn  a  well  meant  admonition  into  a 
piece  of  envious  raillery:  what  is  really  in  itself  a  virtue, 
is  changed  in  its  appearance  to  a  vice;  and  if  the  least  de- 
gree of  zeal  appears  in  the  delivery  of  reproof,  it  is  tra- 
duced as  passion  and  ill-nature.  By  the  use  of  these  two 
famous  instruments  I  set  one  great  man  to  pull  the  ears  of 
another  at  the  various  courts  of  earthly  princes;  where, 
by  my  management,  the  truly  worthy  are  frequently  dis- 
graced, and  the  worthless  advanced  to  power.  What  ups 
and  downs  succeeded  each  other  in  the  court  of  Versailles 
in  the  days  of  madam  Pompadour,  when  not  the  merit  of 
the  hero,  but  his  attachment  to  that  lady,  was  considered! 
If  he  was  a  true  Pompadorian,  he  was  sure  to  be  advanced, 
Jiowever  much  of  the  calf  his  disposition  had  imbibed; 


108  DIALOGUES 

but  if  an  anti-pompadorian,  down  he  came,  though  he 
were  as  wise  as  Ulysses,  and  valiant  as  the  son  of  Thetis. 
And  so  it  fared  with  them  in  their  bad  success  in  the  late 
war. 

Fastosus.  I  suppose  the  public  would  never  object  to 
their  prince  enjoying  the  common  privilege  of  man,  in 
having  a  favorite  friend  near  his  person,  were  it  not  that 
the  party  selected  for  that  purpose  is  apt,  insolently  and 
inconsiderately,  to  crowd  his  own  dependants,  qualified  or 
unqualified,  into  places  under  the  government.  But  what 
France  suffered  for  such  misconduct,  in  the  last  war,  will 
be  a  warning  to  neighbouring  nations. 

Infidelis.  I  should  like  to  have  the  history  of  your 
glasses,  cousin.  And  I  imagine  a  few  instances  of  your 
operations  by  them  will  be  exceedingly  agreeable  to  all 
the  company,  if  you  will  be  so  obliging  as  to  favour  us 
with  them. 

DiscoRDANS.  ^V^ith  all  my  heart,  sir.  The  first  in- 
stance I  remember,  was  in  the  case  of  Cain  and  Abel, 
As  for  Abel,  you  know  he  was  a  rebel  against  our  gov- 
ernment, enlisted  under  the  banner  of  Immanuel,  and 
bore  arms  against  the  monarch  of  darkness,  to  whom  trus- 
ty Cain  was  firmly  attached.  Abel  was  well  acquainted 
with  the  acceptable  atonement,  then  to  be  made  by  Jesus 
of  Nazareth,  and  had  respect  to  it,  in  all  the  services 
which  he  offered  to  Deity.  His  sacrifices  and  services 
were  therefore  the  fruits  of  faith,  and  consequently  ac- 
cef)table  to  God,  whom  he  served.  Qn  the  other  hand, 
our  friend  Cain  had  no  respect  to  the  mediation  of  Im- 
manuel, but  considered  his  services  as  well  deserving  ac- 
ceptance with  Deity,  in  virtue  of  their  own  intrinsic  ex- 
cellence. Of  course,  both  him  and  his  services  were  re- 
jected. For  you  know  whatever  is  not  of  faith,  is  sin, 
and  consequently  detestable  to  the  Almighty.  Abel  of- 
fered his  sacrifice,  and  Cain  presented  his  gift,  the  one  in 
faith,  and  the  other  without  faithj  the  result  was,  Abel 
was  accepted  and  Cain  rejected. 

As  soon  as  I  was  aware  of  this,  and  saw  discontent 
\isible  upon  his  countenance,  I  went  up  to  Cain,  and  be- 
gan to  ply  him  with  my  instrument.  ''Let  my  lord 
Cain,"  said  I,  "try  his  brother's  conduct  in  this  faithful 
mirror." 

Accordingly  he  viewed  it,  an4  as  he  viewed,  he  said. 


OF  DEVILS.  ^  109 

**A>i!  now  T  see  how  it  is.  He  knew  that  a  lamb  or  kid 
v/ould  be  more  acceptable  to  God  than  corn;  but  he 
v/ould  not  inform  me,  I  suppose,  lest  I  should  share  in  the 
blessing.  Is  this  acting  the  part  of  a  brother?  I  see  now 
through  all  his  pretended  love,  his  whining  advices  and 
hypocritical  cant." 

This  wrought  just  as  I  would  have  it.  Then  I  desir- 
ed him  to  view  himself  with  my  telescope,  which  he  did, 
and  thus  exclaimed,  "Why,  I  am  a  thousand  times  bet- 
ter than  my  brother  Abel!  I  have  as  much  righteous- 
ness in  my  one  hand,  as  he  hath  in  his  whole  person." 
Said  I,  ''Now  take  a  full  view  of  your  brother  with  this 
glass."  He  did,  and  as  he  looked,  he  said,  ''My  brother 
is  the  most  contemptible  creature  I  ever  beheld.  I  won- 
der not  now,  to  hear  him  complain  of  his  unworthiness, 
as  he  does  in  his  whining  way."  ''Look  again,"  I  said. 
Then  said  Cain,  '*Why  Abel  is  so  swelled  with  pride, 
that  he  cannot  contain  himself."  ''Look  farther"  said 
I:  '^Aye,  replied  he,  I  see  what  he  aims  at.  He  thinks 
I  shall  be  his  servant,  and  no  longer  his  superior  as  el- 
der brother." 

You  know  it  is  usual  for  my  worthy  friends,  Envy, 
Revenge,  and  Cruelty,  to  follow  me  in  most  of  my  enter- 
prises. It  so  fell  out,  at  this  time,  that  those  three  dia- 
bolians  were  present;  but  none  of  them  attempted  to 
speak  a  word,  until  Cain  had  viewed  his  brother  Abel 
vv'ith  my  instruments,  in  a  light  the  most  disadvantageous 
to  him  that  could  be.  But  Cain  having  obtained  this  view 
of  Abel,  up  comes  Envy,  and  thus  addressed  him:  "Friend 
Cain,  I  am  heartily  sorry  for  your  disgrace,  and  am 
grieved  when  I  observe  to  you,  that,  it  is  my  opinion  you 
will  never  be  able  to  endure  your  brother's  greatness  and 
prosperity,  now  he  is  accepted,  and  you  are  rejected.  I 
am  much  mistaken  if  his  ambition  ceaseth  to  operate,  un- 
til he  enslaves  you  entirely  under  his  yoke.  I  much  fear 
that  it  is  what  he  aims  at.  Now,  my  friend,  as  you  are 
the  elder  born,  it  is  but  reasonable  that  you  should  be 
ruler;  but  for  the  elder  to  be  subject  to  the  younger  is 
what  I  would  advise  you  never  to  submit  to."  Then, 
said  Revenge,  if  honest  Cain  will  be  ruled  by  me,  he  will 
make  himself  amends  for  all  the  grief  he  has  sustained.  To 
whom  Cain  said:  "I  pray  thee  thou  sweet  spirit,  which 
way  shall  I  do  it?     Shall  I  burn  his  tents,  or  destroy  his 

10 


110  DIALOGUES 

flocks?  What  shall  I  do  to  make  myself  amends?"  Do, 
said  Crudelis,  what  should  you  do?  Knock  him  on  the 
head  at  once.  "  Else,  said  Envy,  he  will  be  an  eye-sore 
to  you  all  the  days  of  your  life." 

Thus  the  matter  was  determined,  and,  accordingly, 
Cain  took  an  opportunity  one  day,  in  the  field,  to  murder 
him.  In  this  instance,  Abel's  virtue  and  fiith  were  con- 
sidered as  vicious  craftiness;  his  sincere  aiming  at  the 
glory  of  God,  and  his  self-denial,  were,  by  my  inverting 
instruments,  interpreted  pride  and  ambition.  Deluded 
Cain  revenged  himself,  not  according  to  reality,  but  ac- 
cording to  his  own  jealous  suspicions  and  groundless  sur- 
mises. 

Infidelis.  Realities  seldom  appear,  Discordans,  where 
you  reign,  or  your  operations  would  not  be  so  successful 
as  they  are  in  common. 

Discordans.  True,  sir,  there  is  no  possibility  of  main- 
taining strife  and  contention  but  by  inspiring  one  man 
with  mistaken  notions  of  another,  and  each  with  a  good 
opinion  of  himself.     This  is  the  spring  of  all  contention. 

I  remember  I  made  rude  work  between  Jacob's  wives; 
I  think  their  names  were  Leah  and  Rachel,  the  daughters 
of  your  friend  Laban,  Avaro;  and  that  too  for  what 
neither  one  or  the  other  could  possibly  help.  Rachel  was 
plump,  fair  and  beautiful,  but  withal  for  many  years  bar- 
ren. Leah  was  less  beautiful,  being  afflicted  with  tender 
eyes.  And  from  these  two  sources  I  let  the  world  see 
the  inconveniency  of  polygamy  or  bigamy.  But  to  pass 
from  the  discord  of  the  women,  I  come  to  their  sons, 
amongst  whom  I  made  a  pretty  sort  of  an  inroad,  which 
for  a  season  yielded  me  exquisite  pleasure. 

You  must  know  it  is  always  more  pleasure  to  me  to  stir 
up  discord  among  the  good  and  virtuous,  than  any  people 
whatever;  although,  by  the  way,  it  is  much  more  irra- 
tional in  them  to  quarrel  with  one  another,  than  for  those 
who  are  strangers  to  equal  privileges.  Yet,  such  is  my 
dexterity,  that,  whilst  they  are  in  this  world,  I  can  make 
them  very  often  behave  to  one  another  more  like  enemies 
than  friends  and  brethren.  However,  they  escape  my 
tyranny  the  moment  they  forsake  their  clay;  and  I  am 
forever  banished  from  their  peaceful  mansions  in  the  other 
world. 

To  return  to  my  story.     Young  Joseph,  son  of  deceased 


OF  DEVILS.  Ill 

Rachel,  was  his  father's  favourite;  and  the  fond  patriarch, 
to  evince  his  distinguishing  regard  to  him,  clothed  him  in 
garments  of  many  colours.  This  badge  of  affection  sat 
very  uneasy  on  the  minds  of  his  brethren,  who,  to  a  man, 
resolved  to  teach  future  parents  the  folly  of  partiality  to- 
wards their  children;  yet  had  prudence  enough  to  bridle 
their  resentment  until  a  favourable  opportunity  should  of- 
fer. It  was  not  many  years  before  an  opportunity  offered ; 
for  Joseph  had  a  dream,  divinely  inspired,  of  which  I  made 
very  suitable  improvement.  He  dreamed  "  that  he  and 
his  brethren  were  all  reaping  together  in  the  field,  and  lo! 
ere  he  was  aware,  his  sheaf  stood  upright  in  the  midst,  and 
all  his  brethren's  sheaves  stood  round  and  made  obeisance 
to  it." 

Young  Joseph,  suspecting  no  harm,  in  his  simplicity, 
told  his  dream  to  his  brethren.  Not  long  after,  he  dream- 
ed that  the  sun,  moon,  and  eleven  stars,  made  obeisance  to 
him;  and,  in  the  same  simplicity  of  heart,  told  his  breth- 
ren this  dream  also,  never  once  suspecting  that  they  would 
comment  upon  it  to  his  injury. 

At  this  time  I  happened  to  make  a  visit  to  them:  and 
having  the  matter  without  reserve  laid  before  me,  1  re- 
quested them  to  examine  it  with  my  instruments,  as  you 
know  I  am  never  backward  when  there  is  any  hope  of 
business.  As  they  examined  it  they  were  unanimously  of 
opinion  that  the  haughty  boy  was  but  too  sensible  of  his 
father's  over-esteem  for  him.  *'Vain  youth,  said  they, 
he  can  think  of  nothing  but  being  lord  over  his  brethren. 
It  is  evident,  from  his  repeated  dreams,  his  mind  runs 
upon  it  through  the  day;  for  what  people  ruminate  in  the 
day,  they  are  apt  to  dream  of  at  night."  Such  was  the 
sense  my  mirror  gave  of  the  affair.  Then,  said  I,  gentle- 
men, be  pleased  to  survey  the  matter  with  this  telescope, 
meaning  prejudice.  They  did  so,  and  said,  "  Did  ever 
any  body  see  such  a  haughty  presumptuous  youth  as  this 
stripling  of  a  brother  of  ours  is?  It  may  be,  the  young 
ambitious  wretch  feigned  his  dreams,  the  more  easily  to 
introduce  his  supremacy!  He  be  our  lord!  Must  he.^  His 
pride  is  boundless.  It  is  not  enough  that  he  hopes  to  lord 
it  over  his  i)rethren,  but  his  old  father  must,  it  seems, 
make  obeisance  to  his  arrogance." 

It  was  now  I  called  on  my  brother  Revenge  to  appear, 
to  whom  I  willed  them  to  make  their  case  known.     This 


112  DIALOGUES 

they  did;  and  he,  without  hesitation,  (as  you  know  he  is  i 
ready  witted  spirit)  gave  them  his  advice.  "  Gentlemen, 
said  he,  the  fact  is  evident;  but  v;hy  do  you  perplex  your- 
selves? You  have  it  in  your  pov.er  to  prevent  his  aggran- 
dizement. Yonder  he  comes,  and  here  is  a  pit  hard  by; 
drown  him  in  it,  and  see  what  will  become  of  his  dreams/' 
*•  By  all  means,  said  Envy;  for  you  see  the  old  man  is  so 
doatingly  fond  of  him,  that  he  is  ready  to  take  his  dreams 
to  be  divinely  inspired;  and  the  more  foolishly  the  youth 
can  dream,  the  fonder  his  father  is  of  him;  so  that  it  is 
now,  if  Joseph  is  well,  he  cares  little  what  becomes  of  the 
rest  of  his  children." 

The  sons  of  Jacob,  in  part,  followed  our  advice.  They 
cast  Joseph  into  the  pit,  which  happened  to  be  dry:  But 
the  angel  of  compassion  wrought  so  far  upon  them,  that 
they  spared  his  life,  and  sold  him  to  a  band  of  Ishmaelites, 
who  were  to  take  care  to  dispose  of  him  in  a  foreign  mar- 
ket, far  enough  from  home.  So  you  see  it  was  by  the 
help  of  my  incomparable  instruments  Joseph  was  sepa- 
rated from  his  brethren. 

IxFiDELis.  If  right  reason  had  been  director,  they  would 
have  allowed  it  possible  that  God  might  speak  in  a  dream, 
or  in  a  vision  of  the  night,  to  tlie  lad;  and  that  it  was 
time  enough  to  punish  him  when  he  actually  became 
guilty  of  usurpation.  But,  in  your  way,  right  reason  is 
quite  out  of  the  question,  cousin. 

If  agreeable  to  the  great  Fastosus,  I  hold  it  good  we 
disperse  for  the  present,  that  our  aSairs  on  earth  be  not 
neglected;  and  let  us  meet  here  to-morrow  morning,  fos- 
fresh  conversation. 

Fastosus.  It  is  very  agreeable  to  me,  &ir. 


OF  DEVILS.  lis 


DIALOGUE  IX. 

rASTOSUS,  INFIDELTS,  IMPIATOR,  DISCORDANS,  AND 
AVARO. 

It  was  my  business  to  mind  the  appoietment,  and  give 
due  attendance,  which  I  resolved  to  do,  whatever  should 
be  the  consequence:  accordingly  I  was  there  ere  the  ar- 
rival of  the  infernal  gentry,  whom  I  waited  for  with  im- 
patience. At  last  they  all  came  up  the  valley,  to  the  place 
of  conference,  where  five  sable  thrones  were  ready  to  re- 
ceive them.  As  soon  as  seated,  the  following  converse 
began : 

Infidelis,  Indeed!  is  it  possible  that  my  lovely  Impia- 
tor  hath  so  far  prevailed  as  to  make  a  reverend  vicar  drink 
until  he  is  fuddled?  Such  a  conquest  as  this  makes  greatly 
for  our  interest:  for  when  the  parishioners  know  tliat  the 
parson  himself  was  drunk  in  the  week,  they  will  pay  very 
little  regard  to  his  sermon  the  ensuing  sabbath.  Let  him 
preach  repentance  and  reformation  with  all  the  ze.il  he 
may  assume,  every  hearer  will  say  in  his  heart,  '*  Physi- 
cian^ h^al  thyself. "  I  always  knew  that  you,  Avaro,  had 
large  dealings  with  many  of  the  clergy;  but  not  until  now 
that  my  son  Impiator  had  obtained  such  great  power  over 
them.  What!  and  swear  too  I  To  see  a  parson  get  drunk, 
or  to  hear  him  profanely  swear,  would  give  joy  to  the  de- 
vil himself,  amidst  all  his  disappointments.  I  assure  you, 
in  the  days  of  the  Puritans,  I  would  have  crept  forty 
miles  on  my  hands  and  knees  to  have  heard  the  one  or 

seen  the  other.     But  thou,  my  son 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sire,  you  may  depend  on  what  I 
say.  Great  and  formidable  are  my  enterprises.  The.^e 
eyes  of  mine  have  seen  the  foot-ball  thrown  down  at  the 
church-door  on  Sunday,  after  service,  in  the  presence  of 
the  parson,  who,  like  the  father  of  his  people,  gathered 
up  his  gown,  and  stood  patiently  to  see  which  of  his  flock 
could  with  greatest  dexterity  make  it  skim  the  sky.  This, 
you  will  say,  was  a  pretty  sort  of  transit  made  by  the 
holy  man,  from  worshipping  the  God  of  heaven  to  serve 
the  famous  devil  Impiator.  Ah,  gentlemen,  were  1  but 
10* 


114  DIALOGUES 

an  eloquent  spirit,  I  could  tell  you  such  wonders  about 
the  profaneness  of  both  priest  and  people  as  would  re- 
joice your  hearts,  and  make  you  confess  that  few  devils 
have  more  ascendency  over  mankind  than  myself.  01 
the  young  students,  who  are  training  up  for  the  ministry, 
are  charming  lads.  It  is  but  a  few  years  since,  a  nymph, 
who  had  been  under  the  tuition  of  some  of  those  young 
clergymen,  came  to  an  overseer  of  the  poor  of  the  pa- . 
rish,  near  a  certain  university,  and  desired  to  speak  with 
him.  What  is  your  will?  said  he.  I  am  with  child, 
said  she.     I  see  that,  returned  he;  but  who  is  its  father? 

Three  gentlemen,  of Hall,  said  she.     What 

do  you  talk  of,  said  he;  only  one  of  them  can  be  its 
father.  Indeed,  sir,  they  are  all  three  the  fathers  of  my 
child,  and  are  all  willing  to  give  security  to  the  parish  5 
and  three  very  civil  gentlemen  they  are,  I  assure  you. 
I  think,  said  the  overseer,  they  have  not  behaved  very 
civilly  to  you,  seeing  you  are  with  child  by  them.  0! 
sir,  said  she,  they  behaved  very  civilly  to  me.  They  got 
me  to  their  room,  and  kept  me  there  for  above  a  fortnight, 
and  all  the  while  I  ate  with  them,  and  slept  with  them  at 
free  cost. 

AvARo.  Well,  but  brother,  can  you  assert  that  as  fact 
upon  your  own  knowledge? 

Impiator.  Yes,  Avaro,  I  can;  and  more  than  that,  the 
overseer  is  yet  alive,  and  caa  at  any  time  attest  the  truth 
of  it. 

IxFiDELis.  Well,  I  think  they  are  hopeful  gentlemen  of 
which  to  make  ministers  of  the  gospel;  gentlemen  who 
may  be  of  great  service  to  our  government. 

Impiator.  It  is  on  that  account  I  mention  the  af- 
fair. And  I  could  tell  you  a  hundred  such  pretty  little 
stories. 

Fastosus.  Supposing  my  reverend  brother  Infidelis, 
for  the  information  of  these  younger  devils,  were  to  relate 
part  of  his  history,  might  it  not  be  well? 

Infidelis.  I  am  ready  to  do  any  thing  that  tends  to 
the  prosperity  of  our  common  cause;  with  a  view  to  this, 
I  have  already  given  Impiator  some  account  of  my  birth, 
and  first  enterprises;  and  now,  for  common  instruction, 
shall  proceed.  Having  ascended  the  throne  of  Infidelity, 
the  first  thing  I  attempted  was,  to  lull  men  into  a  persua- 
sion that  I  did  not  at  all  exist,  and  that  there  is  no  such 


OF  DEVILS.  115 

devil  as  unbelief  in  being.  When  I  could  not  so  uni- 
versally prevail  in  this  as  I  wished,  I  endeavoured  to 
persuade  each  of  them  separately,  that  however  Infidelis 
might  reign  over  others,  for  their  part,  he  had  no  domi- 
nion over  them.  For,  said  I,  you  have  a  good  heart, 
and  have  believed  well  all  your  days.  Although,  as  I 
said  before,  I  have  conducted  many  of  those,  who  fan- 
cied they  had  behaved  so  well  in  their  life  time,  very 
safely  down  to  the  chambers  of  horrible  despair,  where 
they  were  soon  convinced  they  never  believed  at  all 
aright. 

Then  I  endeavoured  to  persuade  the  people,  that  the 
threatenings  of  God's  law  against  sin  ought  to  be  consid- 
ered as  a  fancy;  and,  to  strengthen  this  doctrine,  1  thus 
preached :  (for  you  must  know  I  have  been  a  great  preach- 
er in  my  time,)  '•  Look  you,  you  timorous-minded  mor- 
tals; you  may  clearly  see,  that  God  hath  created  you, 
■svith  all  the  passions  and  appetites  that  attend  you;  and 
can  you  believe  that  he  did  this  with  a  design  to  prohibit 
the  gratification  of  them?  No,  surely  I  Could  it  be 
consistent  with  the  character  of  that  God,  whofee  good- 
ness is  unto  all,  and  whose  tender  mercies  are  over  all 
his  works,  to  endue  you  with  these  passions  and  appetites, 
and  then  damn  you  for  gratifying  them?  No,  no;  those 
threatenings  are  exhibited  only  to  keep  your  consciences 
in  awe,  but  never  designed  to  be  rigorously  executed. 
The  law  will  make  large  allowances  for  the  inclinations, 
passions,  and  infirmities  of  the  human  nature;  never  fear 
it.  The  soul  that  sinneth  need  not  to  fear  dying,  as  the 
scripture  hath  threatened;  and  man  shall  not  be  cursed, 
though  he  continue  not  in  all  things  written  in  the  law  to 
do  them." 

Here,  gentlemen,  you  may  see  my  fallacy,  in  deal- 
ing with  mortals;  for  although  all  the  faculties  and  pas- 
sions of  the  soul  were  indeed  essential  to  its  created 
state,  none  of  them  were  then  irregular;  none  acted 
from  improper  influence;  for  every  passion  centered  in 
its  lawful  and  proper  object.  Besides,  all  sinful  motions 
and  desires  of  the  heart  are  the  effects  of  my  dominion 
over  man. 

Then  I  proceeded  to  persuade  them  that  God  had  for- 
saken the  earth,  and  took  now  no  notice  of  the  deeds  of 
man;  so  that  every  man  might,  with  the  greatest  safety, 


116  DIALOGUES 

gratify  his  peculiar  inclinations.  By  these  means  it  was 
the  great  Impiator  was  brought  into  existence,  whose  do- 
minion has  increased,  every  year,  with  great  rapidity. 

I  persuaded  men  that  this  world  is  the  most  certain 
good.  A  bird  in  the  hand,  said  I,  is  worth  two  in  the 
bush.  Make  sure  of  this  world,  and  never  fear  for  the 
other.  Do  you  consider  this  as  your  abiding  place,  and 
build  your  nest  in  its  highest  branches,  if  possible.  In 
this  I  succeeded  so  well,  that  every  man  by  nature,  and 
almost  all  by  practice,  look  upon  the  present  world  as 
the  chiefest  good.  Then  it  was  that  Avaro  was  born  in 
our  family,  and  Ambitiosus  was  born  in  the  family  of 
Fastosus. 

All  this,  you  must  observe,  I  did  in  disguise,  or  rather 
in  a  state  of  invisibility.  I  dare  not  tell  a  man,  when  I 
waited  upon  him,  that  my  name  is  Infidelis:  For  although 
they  are  fond  of  my  nature,  even  to  distraction,  there  is 
not  one  of  them  but  what  hates  to  be  told  that  he  is  con- 
cerned with  me.  Indeed  you  cannot  affront  any  of  my 
subjects  worse  than  by  naming  him  after  me,  and  calling 
him  infidel. 

Imi'iator.  That  is  the  very  case  with  my  subjects: 
For,  although  they  love  my  service  with  all  their  hearts, 
they  hate  to  be  told  of  it.  If  a  man  should  at  any  time 
reprove  one  of  them  for  his  enormities,  you  would  soon 
hear  him  damn  the  reprover  for  a  methodist,  or  puritan, 
or  a  sanctified  hypocrite. 

Infidelis.  It  is  no  manner  of  difficulty  for  me  to  lurk, 
unperceived  by  them,  in  the  corners  of  their  dwellings^ 
but  I  cannot  possibly  hide  myself  from  Moses,  the  vice- 
gerent of  the  Highest.  He  is  a  person  of  a  most  piercing 
eye,  and  can  trace  all  the  motions  of  spirit;  therefore  it 
comes  to  pass  that  he  and  I  have  frequent  bickerings 
Moses  being  the  perfection  of  light,  and  I  the  most  con- 
summate darkness,  there  is  an  eternal  war  proclaimed 
betwixt  us,  and  we  never  meet  but  we  are  at  daggers* 
drawing. 

Sometimes  he  comes,  knocking  with  a  tremendous  ham- 
mer at  the  doors  and  windows  of  my  lodging,  as  if  he 
would  lay  the  house  in  a  heap  of  ruins;  whilst  the  people 
within  start  and  tremble  at  every  thunder  clap  of  his 
hammer.  Amidst  their  consternation,  you  may  hear  him, 
from  without,  call  to  them  within,  with  a  voice  louder 


OF  DEVILS.  117 

than  many  thunders,  in  the  name  of  his  atigust  Master, 
to  bring  forth  the  devil  Infidelis,  and  all  his  train,  to 
public  execution.  But  I  am  always  well  befriended  bj 
the  people  of  the  house,  who,  for  the  must  part,  tell  him 
that  neither  Infidelis,  nor  any  of  his  train,  live  with 
them,  and  that  his  excellency  must  needs  have  mis- 
taken the  door.  They  tell  him  he  would  do  better  to 
enquire  at  the  house  of  Tom  Drunkard,  or  Jack  the 
swearer,  where,  very  probably,  say  they,  that  evil  spirit 
may  dwell. 

This  is  often  the  beginning  of  a  rupture  betwixt  him 
and  them;  for  he  is  not  to  be  so  easily  deceived.  He 
shooteth  his  burning  arrows  with  deathly  vengeance  in 
at  the  windows,  against  the  people  of  the  house,  whom  I 
exhort,  by  all  possible  means,  to  resist  to  the  last  ex- 
tremity. Never  did  you  see  the  warlike  Corsicans  exert 
themselves  with  such  ardor  in  defence  of  their  liberties, 
as  my  subjects  in  defence  of  my  government. 

Sometimes  they  so  besmear  his  heavenly  face  with  the 
filth  they  throw  upon  him,  calling  him  severe  tyrant,  co- 
vetous extortioner,  unjust  villain,  and  the  like,  that  he 
gi\es  over  the  assault,  and  leaves  them  to  my  quiet  pos- 
f»ession.  Then  I  take  my  seal,  and  seal  them  to  destruc- 
tion. For  you  must  know,  it  is  but  in  some  places  he 
exerts  his  unfrustrable  influence. 

It  is  likewise  observable,  that  although  my  subjects  will 
give  Moses  a  good  character  while  he  keeps  at  a  distance 
from  them,  every  one  will  fight  to  the  knees  in  blood, 
when  assaulted  by  him,  ere  they  submit,  so  fond  are  they 
of  my  person  and  government.  Sometimes  it  hath  hap- 
pened, that,  by  irresistible  force,  he  hath  broken  open  the 
door?,  seized  the  people  of  the  house  by  the  collar,  drag- 
ged them  to  the  brink  of  a  pit  called  Despondency,  into 
which  he  tumbled  them  headlong,  and  left  them  shut  up 
in  that  dreary  dungeon. 

As  soon  as  he  is  departed,  I  go  to  work,  and  turn  some 
neighbouring  brook  into  the  pit,  with  a  design  to  drown 
them,  or  throw  down  earth,  stones,  Scc.  on  purpose  to 
smother  them;  and  so  I  continue  to  pester  and  disturb 
them,  until  I  am  frightened  away  by  the  sound  of  Imma- 
nuePs  trumpet,  as  he  himself  approaches  for  their  deliver- 
ance: for  you  must  know,  I  cannot  stand  my  ground,  but 
take  to  my  heels,  when  he  appears.    Many  a  time  do  i 


118  DIALOGUES 

hear  myself  cursed  for  a  hellish  brat,  even  by  those  who* 
but  very  lately,  would  have  risked  life  and  fortune,  and, 
with  the  greatest  bravery,  fought  in  the  cause  of  prince 
Infidelis.  But  as  soon  as  they  obtain  a  glimpse  of  Imma- 
iiuel's  glory,  they  have  done  with  my  yoke,  and  I  lose 
their  affection  for  ever. 

However,  as  I  cannot  endure  that  rational  scripture 
light  should  shine  into  the  hearts  of  men,  I  have  often 
been  puzzled  to  find  out  proper  methods  to  resist  the 
power  of  Moses;  for  he  is  excessively  turbulent  some- 
times, and  frighteneth  my  subjects  into  a  pretended  ser- 
vice of  his  Lord.  In  order  to  appease  him.  the  sons  of 
men  agreed  to  build  a  temple,  and  dedicate  it  to  the  Most 
High;  rather  choosing  to  worship  him,  than  be  destroyed 
by  the  artillery  of  Sinai.  Accordingly  to  work  they 
went,  and  built  a  sumptuous  dome  for  divine  worship,  in 
order  to  stop  the  mouth  of  that  never-ceasing  accuser. 
Now,  thought  I,  things  are  likely  to  take  an  awkward  turn 
■with  me:  if  this  worship  is  not  interrupted,  I  shall  lose 
many  of  my  present  slaves.  So  I  put  my  plodding  brain 
to  the  torture,  in  order  to  find  out  proper  methods  of  pre- 
vention: and  I  can  tell  you,  gentlemen,  I  went  wisely  to 
work:  You  remember  that,  Avaro,  for  you  were  my 
helper. 

The  case  was  this.  "We  prepared  the  image  of  a  wo- 
man, fair  and  beautiful  to  the  eye;  she  was  inwardly 
made  of  clay,  and  outwardly  adorned  with  the  appear- 
ance of  burnished  gold.  In  her  right  hand  was  a  regal 
sceptre,  titles  of  state,  and  plumes  of  honour,  &.c.  In 
her  left  she  carried  a  heavy  purse  of  money,  and  a  casket 
of  oriental  jewels.  L'pon  her  head  was  an  Imperial 
crown,  studded  with  sparkling  gems,  which  dazzled  the 
eyes  of  beholders,  whilst  they  read  the  following  motto, 
which  was  written  in  all  languages  on  her  forehead, 
''  I  am  the  mistress  of  the  whole  world.'-  We  secretly 
conveyed  this  image  into  one  corner  of  the  temple,  and 
placed  it  in  such  a  manner  as  to  be  seen  of  all  who  en- 
tered. 

I  soon  perceived  that  the  bait  was  suitably  drest,  and 
our  idol  had  charms  enough  to  attract  the  attention  of 
the  people.  Ha,  ha,  ha,  you  would  have  laughed  until 
jour  sides  were  tired,  had  you  been  there,  to  see  how 
the  slaves   looked  asquint  upon  the  idol  as  they  ap- 


OF  DEVILS.  119 

proached  the  altar  of  God.  Aje,  and,  in  the  midst  of 
their  devotion,  how  they  cast  the  tail  of  their  eye  to- 
wards the  place  where  she  stood.  After  their  worship 
was  over,  0  how  they  bowed  and  cringed  befare  her 
ladyship!  The  very  parson  himself  did  her  humble 
reverence,  and  many  times  embraced  her  in  the  most 
affectionate  manner.  Then  said  I,  ''a  fig  for  Moses, 
and  all  his  threatening.  I  have  the  slaves  as  fast  as 
ever." 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sire,  you  played  the  devil  with  them 
then.  But  what  said  Moses?  Did  he  calmly  yield  the 
debate? 

I.vFiDELis.  No,  no,  he  is  none  of  your  easy  tempered 
people,  I  assure  you.  His  eagle-eye  soon  discovered  the 
cheat,  and  as  soon  did  he  resolve  on  vengeance,  as  ap- 
peared by  the  event.  Laden  with  burning  fagots,  he 
came  to  the  temple,  and,  roaring  like  many  thunders, 
he  said,  the  flashes  of  lightning  bursting  as  he  spake, 
"•'  This  people  draweth  near  to  me  with  their  lips,  but 
their  hearts  are  far  from  me.  Put  away  from  among  you 
that  accursed  evil,  and  worship  the  Lord  with  your  souls 
as  well  as  your  bodies,  with  your  hearts  as  well  as  your 
voices,  or  look  for  destruction,  even  in  the  embraces  of 
your  idol." 

This  said,  he  hurled  his  brands  amongst  the  people, 
and  terribly  disturbed  many  of  them.  Indeed  it  was 
something  alarming  to  see  them  look  so  ghastly,  and 
tremble  at  his  fearful  menaces.  In  their  first  alarm,  they 
were  for  removing  the  goddess  out  of  the  temple,  for 
fear  of  immediate  destruction;  but  being  a  little  re- 
covered from  their  fright,  the  far  greater  part  found  such 
relentings  towards  her  ladyship,  that  they  could  not 
bear  the  thoughts  of  parting  with  her;  believing  still,  in 
despite  of  Moses,  that  her  comely  presence  was  highly 
necessary,  to  render  religion  tolerable;  and  rather  than 
part  with  her,  they  resolved  to  part  with  the  temple  of 
God  itself. 

Some  few  of  them,  indeed,  were  resolute  for  her  re- 
moval, deeming  the  urgent  command  of  the  heavenly 
accuser  not  at  all  unreasonable:  But  their  company  was 
very  inconsiderable,  and  their  strength  inadequate  to  the 
enterprise.  When  they  attempted  to  remove  her,  they 
^ould  not  so  much  as  move  her  feet  off  from  the  pedestal^ 


120  DIALOGUES 

and  notwithstanding  the  command  was  urgent,  the  far 
greater  part  of  the  people  could  not  help,  even  in  the 
midst  of  their  devotion,  looking  towards  the  idol  with  an 
approving  countenance;  and  there  she  stands  to  this 
daj,  adored  by  most,  and  a  snare  even  to  the  virtuous 
and  good. 

AvARo.  Great  and  manifold  are  the  services  which 
that  ornamented  idol  had  done  to  our  government,  among 
both  preachers  and  others;  for  many  of  the  sacerdotal 
tribe  have  not  the  least  view  in  their  preaching  beyond  a 
genteel  living,  and  further  preferment;  to  which  end, 
adulation  and  flattery  is  more  studied  than  the  gospel.  If 
they  can  but  get  the  world  to  smile  upon  them,  they  de- 
sire no  more.  Give  them  riches  and  honour,  they  may 
preach  the  gospel  who  will,  for  them.  Let  the  people 
only  pay  their  dues  punctually,  they  may  choose,  for 
the  parson,  whether  they  will  serve  God  or  the  devil, 
whether  they  will  go  to  heaven  or  hell.  Brave  days,  gen- 
tlemen. 

Lnfidelis.  Yes,  Avaro,  the  times  are  not  to  be  com- 
plained of;  nor  indeed  have  they  been  bad  for  many  hun- 
dreds of  years,  if  circumstances  are  duly  attended  to. 
But  to  my  story.  In  process  of  time  men  became  sen- 
sibly that  unless  the  heart  were  fixed  upon  God  in  acts 
of  religious  worship,  their  services  could  not  be  accept- 
able; but  how  to  tix  them  they  could  not  find.  Being 
afraid  the  result  of  their  enquiries  might  prove  dangerous 
to  my  interest,  if  not  interrupted,  I  advised  them  to  make 
to  themselves  representations  of  God  in  wood,  stone, 
brass,  or  iron,  but  rather  of  silver  or  gold,  alleging  that 
the  more  valuable  the  metal,  the  more  acceptable  the  sa- 
crifice would  be. 

The  sons  of  men  no  sooner  heard,  than  approved  of  my 
scheme,  and  sesolved  forthwith  to  put  it  in  execution. 
Then,  ere  you  were  aware,  every  village  was  furnished 
with  one  or  two  god-makers;  a  set  of  artificers  from  whom 
our  present  saint-makers  in  Italy,  Spain,  Portugal,  &c. 
are  descended;  for  modern  times  have  not  changed,  but 
only  given  a  different  name  to  this  craft,  by  which  the 
popish  parsons  get  their  wealth. 

But,  alas!  having  never  seen  the  shape  of  God,  at  any 
time,  they  were  obliged  to  form  their  images  in  the  mould 
of  their  own  fancies,  which  being  various,  it  came  to  pasi 


OF  DEVILS.  121 

that  in  one  place  the  invisible  Deity  was  likened  to  an  old 
man  with  a  venerable  long  beard,  grasping  a  bunch  of 
reeds,  which  thej  called  thunder.  In  another  place  he 
was  represented  as  half  man  and  half  beastj  jea,  so  vari- 
ous were  the  fancies  of  the  artists,  that  in  one  place  God 
Almighty  was  made  like  a  fish,  in  another  like  an  eagle, 
or  hawk,  and  in  another  like  a  log  of  wood,  and  indeed 
sometimes  like  a  beast  with  four  feet.  So  very  briskly 
was  this  trade  carried  on,  that  all  who  were  able  to  buy 
had,  in  a  few  years,  one  or  more  god  almighties,  of  man's 
making,  in  their  own  houses^  the  very  same  as  our  good 
friends  the  papists  have  got  almost  every  one  a  saviour  in 
his  pocket  or  chamber.  In  the  holy  Roman  church,  you 
may  find  in  every  house  a  Jesus  Christ  of  one  kind  or 
another?  for  there  be  many  sorts  of  Jesus  Christs,  as 
golden  Jesus  Christs,  silver  Jesus  Christs,  wooden,  and 
even  paper  Jesus  Christs,  all  made  with  as  much  craft  as 
the  ancient  pagan  gods. 

AvARo.  The  trade  of  fhrine-making  among  the  papists 
is  a  good  sort  of  trade;  but  I  can  tell  you  it  falls  far  short 
of  the  craft  of  saint-worshipping,  by  which  the  priests 
get  their  wealth.  Many  a  wooden  saint  there  is  in  the 
holy  church,  which  hath  brought  into  the  priests'  trea- 
sury about  six  times  its  weight  in  gold.  And  indeed  the 
pagan  priests  reaped  equal  benefit  from  their  godsj  from 
whence  we  learn  that  priestcraft  hath  been  the  same  in 
all  ages. 

Infidelis.  Some  people  there  were,  of  more  refined 
knowledge  than  their  neighbours,  who  advised  against  the 
trade  of  god-making,  saying,  *'  We  must  not  bow  down  to 
graven,  nor  molten  images,  nor  in  any  wise  worship 
them." — My  priests,  according  to  my  directions,  answer- 
ed as  follows:  *'  It  is  not  the  image  which  you  worship, 
nor  do  you  at  all  bow  your  knee  to  it;  but  being  emble- 
matic of  the  divine  presence,  it  greatly  assists  you  in 
your  devotion."  This  learned  reasoning  calmed  the  con- 
sciences of  most  of  the  dissenters,  won  them  over  to  the 
religion  by  law  established,  and  greatly  wrought  for  the 
good  of  .the  church. 

DiscoRDAxs.  Why,  sir,  that  is  the  very  apology  which 
the  papists  make  for  image  worship,  relict-adoration,  &c. 
butii^deed  it  is  no  wonder,  seeing  their  religion  is  one  and 
the  same  with  that  of  the  pagans. 
11 


122  DIALOGUES 

IxFiDELis.  Some  few  there  were,  rigid  nonconformiscfj 
who  insisted  that  God  must  be  M'orshipped  in  spirit  and  in 
truth;  insisted  that  all  idolatrous  lumber  should  be  cast 
out  of  the  temple;  by  which  the  worthy  clergymen  of  that 
age  were  so  grievously  galled,  that  they  were  forced,  in 
a  pious  and  tender  manner,  first  to  give  up  the  heretics  to 
the  devil,  and  then  put  the  flesh  to  death  for  the  salvation 
of  the  soul:  In  the  very  same  manner  (and  for  much  the 
same  cause)  as  the  holy  Romish  fathers  excommunicated 
and  burned  the  protestants.  But  the  devil  knows,  by  his 
experience,  that  the  church  has  not  half  the  power  she 
pretends  to;  for  out  of  the  vast  numbers  which  she  hath 
generously  given  to  him,  it  is  but  a  very  few  he  hath 
been  able  to  receive:  Notwithstanding,  both  the  pagan, 
papal,  and  other  churches,  have  hereby  shown  the  good 
will  which,  all  along,  they  have  borne  to  him  and  his  in^ 
terests. 

Having  fairly  introduced  idolatry,  I  tried,  if  possible, 
to  lead  men  further  otf  from  their  Maker  still;  and  for 
this  end  I  brought  in  gods  and  goddesses  a  numerous 
train.  For  instance,  if  any  man  was  more  remarkable 
than  others  for  murdering  his  neighbours,  or  for  giving 
large  gifts  to  the  church,  that  is,  the  clergy,  I  got  him 
deified  as  soon  as  he  died,  and  had  worship  offered  to 
him,  in  the  same  degree  with  saint-worship  in  the  church 
of  Rome;  for  saint-worship  and  hero-worship  differ  only 
in  name. 

Indeed  it  is  but  doing  justice  to  saints  in  the  Romish 
calendar  to  observe,  that  the  greatest  part  of  them  obtain- 
ed their  saintship  for  murdering  of  princes,  massacreing 
protestants,  robbing  their  heirs  for  the  good  of  the  church, 
or  for  raving  mad  enthusiasm.  Well,  1  went  on  and  pros- 
pered, until  I  had  brought  all  the  world,  a  few  individuals 
excepted,  to  worship  the  works  of  the  mason,  carpenter, 
blacKsmith,  or  founder.  Encourage  but  any  trade,  and  it 
is  sure  to  prosper:  The  god-making  trade  being  univer- 
sally encouraged,  prospered  exceedingly;  for  in  a  little 
time  there  were  national  gods,  much  the  same  with  the 
seven  champions  of  Christendom;  provincial  gods;  county 
gods;  parish  gods;  and  even  household  gods,"to  the  great 
emolument  of  the  clergy.  I  think,  gentlemen,  you  must 
all  allow  that  I  have  not  spent  my  time  in  idleness  among 
mankind. 


OF  DEVILS.  123 

Fastosus.  No,  no^  brother,  idleness  don't  suit  you  and 
sne.  We  will  leave  it  to  foolish  men  and  women  so  to 
spend  their  lives;  but  we  will  fulfil  the  old  proverb  used 
among  them,  viz.  The  devil  is  never  idle.  Let  them  enjoy 
their  idleness  in  this  world;  we  shall  very  likely  find 
them  enough  to  do  in  the  next. 

Infidelis.  I  think  it  is  something  more  than  seventeen 
hundred  and  sixty  years  ago  that  I  had  a  trial  of  a  very 
extraordinary  nature  to  grapple  wdth,  such  as  I  never  had 
before  then,  nor  ever  shall  encounter  while  I  breathe  the 
sulphurous  smoke  of  the  pit.  Oh,  it  v/as  a  sore  trial, 
gentlemen.  Immanuel,  a  very  dear  lover  of  men,  having 
sat  on  the  circle  of  heaven  for  near  four  thousand  years, 
with  much  relenting  of  mind,  and  longings  for  human 
happiness,  from  thence  beheld  the  dreadful  havoc  I  made 
in  the  world,  rendering  the  whole  posterity  of  Adam  the 
children  of  wrath.  Often  did  he  call  to  the  inhabitants  of 
the  earth  to  take  me  up,  and  burn  me  for  a  witch;  but 
they  were  too  much  my  friends  to  regard  his  advice:  And 
indeed,  had  they  regarded,  it  would  have  been  an  under- 
taking such  as  they  could  not  execute  without  auxiliary 
strength.  He  sat  long,  and  long  he  wondered  that  there 
was  no  friend  to  help  against  so  potent  an  adversary: 
when  at  last  he  saw  there  was  none  to  help,  he  arose 
from  his  jasper  seat,  and,  in  a  transport  of  love,  declared 
that  his  own  arm  should  bring  salvation.  According  to 
the  high  determination,  he  dismantled  himself  of  the 
robes  of  manifest  glory,  laid  aside  his  imperial  diadem, 
which  irradiates  all  the  coasts  of  light,  posted  down  to 
this  world  on  the  wings  of  compassion,  resolved  to  en- 
counter by  dying. 

Alarmed  at  such  an  unprecedented  enterprise,  I  des- 
patched our  swift  winged  courier  with  all  possible  speed 
to  hell,  to  inform  my  great  father,  and  the  infernal  divan, 
of  the  astonishing  event.  As  soon  as  Fame  reported  her 
.story,  the  monarch  summoned  his  peers  to  meet  him  in 
the  flaming  council  chamber,  there  to  deliberate  on  the 
matter;  and  having  maturely  weighed  every  circumstance 
of  it,  it  was  resolved  to  despatch  the  devil  Malevolus  to 
Fastosus  and  me,  with  directions  suitable  to  the  occasion. 
That  he,  with  Ambitiosus,  Perfidia,  Falax,  and  me,  should 
take  up  our  residence  at  Jerusalem,  with  the  scribes, 
pharisees,  and  doctors  of  the  law.    We  immediately  obey- 


124  DIALOGUES 

ed  our  instructions,  and  succeeded  admirably  in  our  em- 
bassy. At  the  same  time,  Crudelis  and  Concupiscentia 
were  appointed  plenipotentiaries  to  the  tetrarchical  court 
of  Galilee,  where  they  received  infallible  testimonies  of 
Herod's  esteem. 

Against  the  time  that  Immanuel  \vas  to  be  revealed, 
Herod  admitted  our  cousin  Suspiciosus  to  frequent  audi- 
ences, of  which  the  devil  Crudelis,  to  his  everlasting 
honour,  greatly  availed  himself^  He  persuaded  the  te- 
trarch  that,  for  his  own  safety,  it  was  highly  necessary 
he  should  kill,  destroy,  and  cause  to  perish,  all  the 
children  in  Bethlehem,  from  two  years  old,  and  under, 
in  order  that  young  Immanuel,  who  was  formerly  called 
the  Ancient  of  Days,  might  be  involved  in  the  general 
massacre.  This  was  the  opening  of  our  evangelic  cam- 
paign; since  which  time  we  have  caused  the  shedding  of 
as  much  christian  blood  as,  if  collected  into  one  mass, 
would  make  a  tide  as  deep  as  ever  was  seen  at  London- 
bridge. 

At  this  time  there  appeared  one  John  Baptist,  a  zeal- 
ous Nazarene,  and  harbinger  to  Immanuel.  He  was 
likely  to  do  great  injury  to  our  interest,  therefore  it  was 
thought  best  to  have  him  destroyed,  which,  by  thy  means, 
Discordans,  we  happily  accomplished  in  part.  Perhaps, 
Discordans,  you  can  give  a  better  account  of  that  aftair 
than  I,  as  you  were  more  deeply  concerned  in  it. 

Discordans.  I  do  not  know  tliat,  uncle;  but  I  am  ready 
to  tell  you  what  hand  I  had  in  it.  You  all  know  the  man, 
and  a  trusty  friend  of  ours  he  was,  as  any  in  his  day. 
You  know  he  most  inordinately  loved  Herodias,  his  own 
brother  Philip's  wife;  and,  by  the  direction  of  our  friend 
Concupiscentia,  he  added  incest  to  his  adultery,  by  taking 
her  to  his  bed.  It  was  about  this  time  that  this  famous 
Baptist,  the  founder  of  the  sect  called  by  his  name,  began 
his  public  ministry:  and,  fearless  of  man,  exclaimed  a- 
gainst  all  manner  of  uncleanness;  for  he  was  faithful  to 
his  commission.  AVell,  this  same  austere  Baptist  took 
occasion  one  day,  in  the  following  manner,  to  reprove  the 
tetrarch  for  his  lewdness:  "  Herod,  said  he,  the  God  who 
made  thee  hath,  for  his  own  glory,  exalted  thee  to  the  te- 
trarchical dignity;  but,  far  from  studying  his  honour, 
thou  actest  most  unworthily,  and  turnest  his  goodness  to 
thee  into  wantonness.     Dost  not  thou  know,  that  the 


OF  DEVILS.  125 

same  God  who  made  thee  ruler  in  Galilee,  hath  said, 
-*Thou  shalt  not  commit  adultery."  Put  her  therefore 
away  from  thee;  if  thou  dost  not,  thou  must  expect  that 
the  Most  High  will  mingle  for  thee  the  cup  of  his  indig- 
nation." 

1  was  then  at  the  court  of  Galilee,  and  did  not  fail  to 
improve  the  Baptist's  admonition  to  the  most  fdtal  pur- 
poses. I  transformed  myself  into  the  likeness  of  a  grave 
courtier,  a  form  very  familiar  to  me,  went  up  to  the  king, 
and  held  my  inverting  mirror  before  his  eyes,  bidding 
him  to  take  a  full  view  of  the  matter  thus.  As  my 
humble  servant  he  did  as  I  directed,  and  immediately 
gaid,  '*  I  perceive  this  field  preacher,  this  same  Bap- 
tist, is  an  enemy  to  the  Roman  government,  and, 
because  I  am  a  friend  to  Caesar,  he  hath  taken  this 
advantage  against  me,  doubtless  to  prejudice  the  minds 
of  the  people,  either  to  the  divesting  me  of  the  tetrar- 
chical  power,  or  to  the  subversion  of  Csesar's  govern- 
ment." 

When  I  had  brought  him  thus  to  misconstrue  the 
honest  designs  of  the  Baptist,  I  held  my  partial  telescope 
to  his  eye,  through  which  he  looked  with  great  atten- 
tion, and  as  he  looked  said,  ''  What  a  presumptuous 
wretch  is  this,  to  take  upon  him  to  reprove  me  I  Me, 
who  am  his  lord  and  master,  and  can  soon  destroy  both 
him  and  his  father's  house.  Must  Herod  be  reproved  by 
this  despicable  fellow  with  the  rough  garment.^  Is  it 
ROW  so  low  with  Caesar's  deputy,  the  tetrarch  of  Gali- 
lee, that  he  must  mildly  bear  the  insolence  of  every 
snarling  peasant,^  No,  it  is  inconsistent  with  our  dig- 
nity, to  let  such  daring  boldness  pass  with  impunity. 
If  a  courtier,  or  nobleman  clothed  in  soft  raiment,  had 
taken  a  little  liberty  with  me,  it  might  have  been 
borne.  But  for  this  field-preacher  1  This  Baptist, 
hahl" 

By  this  time  the  great  Revenge,  that  famous  devil, 
vhose  history  is  so  tragical,  thought  it  time  for  him  to 
appear  at  court;  and,  as  soon  as  he  judged  it  convenient, 
tnus  accosted  the  offended  king:  *•  My  lord  the  king,  if 
your  highness  suffers  such  insolence  as  this  to  go  un- 
punished, your  nobles  will  contemn  you;  every  paltry 
priest  will  say.  Yonder  goes  the  incestuous  Herod;  aye, 
the  very  publicans  and  Herodians  will  allege  that  you  are 

n* 


126  DIALOGUES 

unworthy  the  dignity  you  sustain,  and  all  will  censure 
your  pusillanimity,  in  letting  such  daring  insolence 
pass  with  impunity.  Remember,  my  lord,  that  if  wide- 
mouthed  fame  should,  as  is  very  likely,  report  the  matter 
in  Caesar's  ear,  it  is  ten  to  one  but  he  will  cashier  you, 
either  for  your  reputed  incest,  or  your  want  of  ma^na- 
'nimity.  Sir,  for  your  honour's  sake,  cast  John  into 
prison."  Herod  was  easily  persuaded,  and  John  was 
committed  to  jail. 

On  mature  deliberation,  however,  he  was  afraid  of  put- 
ting liim  to  death,  for  he  knew  that  the  people  had  a  good 
opinion  of  the  renowned  Baptist;  therefore  he  lived  in 
prison,  notwithstanding  Revenge  made  daily  solicitation 
for  his  blood.  On  every  occasion  when  he  met  with 
Herod  he  thus  accosted  him.  '*  Well,  sir,  is  the  Bap- 
tist dead  yet?  What!  not  yet,  sir?  What  do  you  mean 
by  sparing  him  so  long,  sir?  I  assure  you,  sir,  he  ought 
to  die  for  his  insolence.  Sir,  his  crime  is  no  less  than 
high  treason  against  your  person."  Thus  he  plied  hini 
daily. 

It  happened,  at  a  certain  time,  that  Herod  made  a 
great  festival  in  honour  of  his  own  name,  which  festival 
proved  fatal  to  the  innocent  Baptist:  for,  ever  since  he 
had  given  oftence,  the  devil  Revenge  had  taken  up  his 
lodgings  with  Herodias,  the  tetrarchess.  She  very  well 
knew  how  foolishly  precipitate  Herod  was  wont  to  be  in 
his  wine,  and  how  much  his  eye  was  to  be  allured  with 
a  well-performed  dance,  especially  if  performed  by  a 
handsome  young  lady.  Not  at  afl  doubting  but  Hero- 
dina,  her  daughter,  would  captivate  the  king  so  far  as  to 
bring  about  the  much  desired  death  of  John  Baptist,  she 
decked  her  in  superb  array,  instrueted  her  what  to  ask, 
if  he  should  be  pleased  with  her,  then  led  her  into  the 
hall  where  Herod  and  his  nobles  were  carousing.  There 
she  footed  the  hornpipe  with  such  exactness,  that  the 
mistaken  eye  of  the  tetrarch  took  her  for  a  divinity, 
and  swore  that  he  would  otter  a  great  sacrifice  to  her,  to 
the  value  of  one  half  of  his  kingdom,  if  her  highness 
would  only  deign  to  inform  him  what  sacrifices  were 
most  acceptable  to  her.  She  replied,  **■  human  sacrifices 
are  my  delight.  Give  me  then  the  Baptist's  head  in  a 
charger." 

Now  there  began  a  horrid  scuSle  in   the  tetrarch's 


OF  DEVILS.  127 

breast.  If  he  fulfilled  not  his  oath,  he  thought  he  lost 
his  reputation  with  his  nobles,  who  sat  at  table  with 
him,-  and  if  he  did  behead  John  Baptist,  according  to 
his  oath,  he  exposed  himself  to  the  resentment  of  the 
people. 

In  the  midst  of  this  scuffle  in  came  Revenge,  and  ad- 
dressed the  king.  ^'I  assure  you,  sir,  John  deserves  a 
thousand  deaths,  for  his  insolence  to  your  highness." 
*•  Besides,  said  Fastosus,  who  was  then  at  court,  the 
great  tetrarch  hath  no  way  left  but  this  to  preserve  his 
own  character  unblamed."  Then  cried  Herod,  "Who 
will  go  for  us  to  prison,  and  behead  the  Baptist."  To 
which  Crudelis  replied,  ''Here  ami,  send  me."  Ac- 
cordingly, having  obtained  Herod's  consent,  (for  we  can 
do  nothing  against  mankind  but  by  their  own  consent)  he 
went  and  beheaded  Immanuel's  harbinger. 

Thus,  gentlemen,  you  see,  that  by  my  famous  instru- 
ments, false  reasoning,  and  prejudice,  I  cause  oftence  to 
be  taken  where  there  is  none  intended.  John  only  ful- 
filled his  divine  mission,  and  sought  the  good  of  the  te- 
trarch, by  calling  him  to  repentance;  but  my  mirror  in- 
terpreted his  honesty  into  treachery  and  insolence;  which 
clearly  shows  that  it  changeth  the  appearance  quite  con- 
trary to  the  nature  of  things.  But,  reverend  uncle,  I  pre- 
vent your  proceeding  with  your  story. 

Infidelis.  The  cumbersome  Baptist,  thus  despatched, 
we  united  all  our  forces  against  Immanuel  himself,  who 
was  by  the  Jews  called  Jesus  of  Nazareth.  Many  were 
the  conferences  which  we  had  with  the  Jev/ish  rabbins, 
doctors,  priests,  scribes  and  pharisees,  in  which  all  our 
debates  turned  upon  that  object  of  our  common  hatred. 
The  high  priest,  Fastosus,  Malevolus,  and  me,  were  al- 
ways placed  at  the  head  of  the  assembly,  and  every  ar- 
ticle was  finally  referred  to  us  for  decision.  The  vene- 
rable high  priest,  addressing  himself  to  me,  asked  what 
I  thought  concerning  the  pretensions  of  this  Galilean?  To 
whom  I  replied,  ''  If  it  please  your  reverence,  I  think  he 
is  an  arrant  impostor;  for  his  father  you  know,  and  his 
mother  you  know,  his  brethren  and  sisters,  are  they  not 
all  with  you?  But,  continued  I,  when  Messiah  shall  come, 
no  man  can  tell  whence  he  cometh,  nor  whither  he  goeth." 
Gentlemen,  you  will  always  know  my  style,  by  its  ele- 


12S  DIALOGUES 

gance,  wherever  vou  meet  with  it,  should  it  be  even  in 
the  volume  of  revelation. 

Fastosus.  I  well  remember  these  things,  and  the 
learned  oration  which  at  that  time  I  made  in  the  Sanhe- 
drim; and  now  we  are  associated  in  such  a  friendly  man- 
ner, I  have  a  good  mind  to  repeat  it  to  vou.  You  have  it 
in  the  following  manner:  •*  Hearken  to  me,  ye  righteous 
teachers  of  the  law,  the  virtuous  governors  of  the  Lord's 
inheritance,  and  I  will  unfold  to  you  a  just  state  of  the 
matter.  You  all  know  that  the  expected  Messiah  shall 
descend  from  a  virgin  princess,  of  the  lineage  of  David; 
but  is  this  the  son  of  a  princess?  Is  his  mother  a  virgin, 
being  the  wife  of  a  carpenter:"  Here  you  will  observe 
how  I  led  them  off  from  the  truth,  by  attending  to  ap- 
})earances  rather  than  reality;  for  Mary,  the  mother  of 
Jesus,  was  actually  a  princess  of  the  line  of  David, 
though  obscure,  and  actually  a  virgin  when  he  was  con- 
ceived, though  after  that  the  wife  of  a  carpenter.  Ev- 
ery circumstance  attending  his  birth  correspt)nded  ex- 
actly with  ancient  predictions  recorded  in  the  Biblej 
though,  by  the  way,  it  was  by  no  means  suited  to  the 
expectatiuns  of  the  Jews.  But,  to  my  great  mortifica- 
tion, I  must  confess,  that  although  the  great  men  of  the 
earth  rejected  him,  the  angels  of  heaven  descended  to 
hymn  their  new  born  Lord.  The  constellations  of  the 
firmament  showed  forth  the  birth  of  Messiah.  Eastern 
sai>;es  heard  the  proclamation  of  the  stars,  and  came  to 
the  city  of  Bethlehem,  to  offer  oblations  to  the  iDcarnate 
source  of  life. 

So  very  clear  indeed  are  the  Old  Testament  prophecies 
concerning  this  affair,  that  the  generality  of  the  Jews 
were  at  that  time  in  full  expectation  of  the  coming  of 
Messiah;  therefore  it  required  great  address  sufficiently 
to  blind  their  eyes,  that  they  should  not  see  and  know 
him  when  he  came,  to  which  purpose  my  speech  was  won- 
derfully adapted.  **  You  know,  and  all  the  holy  rabbins 
know,  continued  I,  that  Messiah  shall  come  in  power 
and  great  glory;  shall  break  the  iron  yoke  of  Romau 
servitude  frum  off  your  necks,  and  exalt  the  throne  of 
David,  his  illustrious  ancestor,  high  above  the  thrones  of 
the  kings  of  the  earth,  giving  to  his  happy  subjects  do- 
minion and  great  glory,  subjecting  to  your  government 


OF  DlEVILS.  129    ' 

all  those  who  wish  your  destruction.  M^orthj  assem- 
bly, said  I,  you  have  chosen  the  great  Fastosus,  as  your 
president  and  director.  Hearken,  therefore,  to  me,  and 
I  will  show  you  my  opinion,  concerning  }our  expected 
Messiah,  and  his  appearance  among  you.  It  is  most 
probable,  that,  when  he  comes,  he  will  be  born  of  illus- 
trious parents,  in  the  family  of  David,  and  when  grown 
mature  in  years,  you  may  expect  to  see  meet  in  him, 
a  combination  of  all  great  and  good  qualities.  By  liis 
wisdom  and  prowess,  he  will  rekindle  the  martial  spi- 
rit of  the  Jewish  warriors,  leading  the  armies  of  Israel 
to  glory  and  conquest,  and  his  throne  shall  be  exalted 
above  all  the  kingdoms  of  the  earth.  You  may  there- 
fore expect  that,  when  Messiah  shall  come  to  your  de- 
liverance, you  shall  see  an  illustrious  prince,  attended 
by  a  warlike  retinue,  breathing  vengeance  against  your 
enemies.  But  can  this  be  him?  could  the  Messiah,  think 
you,  find  nobody  but  poor  shepherds  to  be  the  publish- 
ers of  his  birth?  More  likely  if  Jesus  had  indeed  been 
the  Messiah,  he  would  have  made  choice  of  your  rever- 
ences for  his  heralds.  Can  it  ever  be  supposed,  my  ven- 
erable rabbins,  that  an  obscure  person,  attended  by  a 
few  despicable  fishermen,  can  have  any  legal  pretensions 
to  the  vacant  throne  of  illustrious  David?  Or  can  it  ever 
be  thought,  that  the  son  of  a  Galilean  carpenter,  attended 
by  a  few  of  the  riff-raft' of  the  people,  is  likely  to  restore 
the  kingdom  to  Israel? 

Besides,  continued  I,  let  him  be  what  he  may,  it  would 
bring  dishonor  on  the  princes  of  Israel,  should  they  sub- 
mit to  be  governed  by  the  son  of  a  mechanic. 

Who  knows  but  the  coming  of  Messiah  may  be  yet 
more  glorious,  and  ye  shall  see  the  heavens  Open  over 
your  heads,  he  shall  appear  in  the  firmament,  guarded 
on  right  and  left  by  innumerable  battalions  of  armed  se- 
raphs, with  whom  he  may  descend  and  stand  upon  the 
mount  of  Olives,  before  he  shall  make  his  triumphant  en- 
try into  the  holy  metropolis  of  Jewry.  Then  shall  he 
despatch  his  flaming  soldiers,  with  full  commission  to 
kill,  destroy,  and  cause  to  perish  all  such  stubborn  Gen- 
tiles, who  refuse  to  submit  to  the  Jewish  empire  now  be- 
come universal.  Your  enemies  all  destroyed,  great  shaU 
be  your  felicity  and  glory,  for  he  shall  reign  among  you 


130  DIALOGUES 

in  righteousness,  peace,  and  glorious  prosperity,  unto  all 
generations. 

To  whom,  mj  worthy  rabbins,  will  he  come,  but  to 
such  a  generation  of  righteous  men  as  yourselves.  Ye 
yourselves  are  witnesses  of  your  own  righteousness  and 
devotion.  None  say  longer  prayers;  none  give  alms 
more  publicly  than  you  do.  So  great  is  your  zeal  for  re- 
ligion, that  ye  rob  v/idows  houses  for  \he  good  of  the 
church.  So  pious  your  example,  that  my  life  for  it,  it 
will  be  imitated  by  the  clergy  in  after  ages.  Your  wick- 
ed ancestors  fell  very  far  short  of  your  piety;  for  they 
killed  the  prophets,  and  stoned  them  who  were  sent  un- 
to them;  but  your  reverences,  so  far  abominate  their 
murderous  deeds,  that  you  build  and  beautify  their  sepul- 
chres. You  may  safely  conclude,  that  you  are  the  right- 
eous generation  to  whom  the  Messiah  will  come."  Thus 
I  swelled  their  expectations  so  very  great,  that,  when  the 
real  Messiah  was  actually  among  them,  they  reviled  him 
as  the  worst  of  impostors. 

IxFiDELis.  The  great  Fastosus  and  me,  having  show- 
ed our  opinion,  the  devil  Malevolus  was  humbly  request- 
ed to  speak,  his  mind.  And  he,  by  this  time,  was  in  a 
transport  of  rage:  boisterously  cried  out,  '*  Away  with 
him  for  an  imposing  villain!  If  he  were  the  Messiah, 
would  you  ever  find  him  coming  out  of  Galilee? — 
Search,  and  you  will  see  that  out  of  Galilee  ariseth 
no  prophet;  neither  can  any  good  thing  come  from 
thence.  Were  I  in  your  places,  I  would  rather  be  sub- 
ject to  the  Romans  for  ever,  than  sufter  this  fellow  to 
reign  over  me.  I  hate  his  person;  I  hate  his  attend- 
ants; I  hate  his  laws  and  doctrines;  and,  above  all,  I 
hate  his  pretensions  to  the  crown  of  Israel.  It  were 
low  times  with  you  indeed,  if  an  obscure  carpenter 
should  be  exalted  to  the  throne,  to  reign  over  the  Lord's 
inheritance." 

Fastosus.  It  is  time  for  us  to  attend  our  industrious 
subjects.  Shall  we  meet  here  to-morrow,  at  noon,  as 
iisual? 

0^.  Agreed,  sir.    We  will  meet. 


OF  DEVILS.  131 


DIALOGUE   X. 


ALL  THE  DLVLOGEANS  PRESENT. 

A%  soon  as  the  infernal  gentry  decamped,  I  went 
home,  and  found  our  parish  priest  at  my  house.  I 
thought  this  a  good  opportunity  of  acquainting  h^  with 
my  adventure:  but  he  concluded,  with  the  rest  of  my 
neighbours,  that  my  brain  was  disturbed,  and  that  those 
imaginary  gentry  were  only  the  fruits  of  distraction. 
However,  as  I  thought  myself  capable  of  judging  be- 
tween imagination  and  reality,  I  left  the  parson  to  his 
mistake;  went  to  my  closet  to  correct  what  I  had  taken 
down  in  the  former  part  of  the  day;  and  got  all  ready 
by  next  day  at  noon,  to  listen  to  the  sable  gentry.  Ex- 
actly at  noon  they  came;  for  I  found  them  exceedingly 
punctual  one  with  another.  As  soon  as  they  were  seated 
on  their  ebon  thrones,  they  resumed  their  discourse;  and 
Infidelis  thus  began. 

Infidelis.  It  happened  that  the  venerable  rabbins 
held  another  council,  to  assist  at  which,  the  devils,  Fa- 
lax  and  Perfidiosus  were  invited.  In  this  august  as- 
sembly, the  main  thing  to  be  considered  was,  by  what 
possible  means,  right  or  wrong,  they  might  persecute 
and  destroy  Jesus  of  Nazareth  from  the  face  of  the 
€arth.  The  great  rabbins  and  doctors,  by  this  time, 
began  to  fear  that  if  some  decisive  step  was  not  speed- 
ily taken,  all  the  country  would  become  Nazarenes. 
This  induced  them  to  apply  to  those  worthy  spirits, 
(who  are  known  to  be  excellent  contrivers,)  and  fervent- 
ly solicit  their  assistance.  And,  as  they  are  by  no  means 
bashful,  they  very  soon  gave  the  high  sanhedrim  satis- 
faction. 

"Venerable  rabbins,  said  they,  we  are  apprehensive 
that  it  will  be  very  difficult  to  accomplish  any  thing 
against  this  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  unless  we  can  stir  up 
enemies  against  him,  among  those  of  his  own  house- 
hold, and  cause  some,  who  eat  bread  at  his  table,  to 
lift  up  their   heel   against  himj   for  you  all  know  hig 


132  DIALOGUES 

conduct  is  perfectly  unblameable.  Now  we  have,  at 
no  great  distance,  a  notable  limb  of  the  devil,  trained 
up  in  all  the  mazes  of  deep  deceit  and  treachery,  fitted 
for  such  perdition.  Him  will  we  persuade  to  ingratiate 
himself  into  the  favor  of  Jesus,  and  to  become  one  of 
his  train.  When  this  is  done,  he  shall  act  the  traitor, 
and  betray  him  into  your  hands,  nothing  doubting  but 
you  will  then  take  care  to  destroy  his  life,  how  inno- 
cent soever  he  may  be." 

''Certainly  we  will,  rejoined  the  high  priest;  for  it 
is  expedient  that  one  should  die  tor  the  people."  Ac- 
cordingly the  devil  was  despatched  to  this  son  of  treach- 
ery, whose  name  was  Judas  Iscariot,  who,  being  a 
plodding  covetous  man,  in  hope  of  getting  a  bag  of 
money,  took  his  instructions  from  Perfidiosus,  went 
and  joined  hin\sejf  to  the  train  of  Jesus  and  obtained 
a  part  in  the  apostolic  ministry.  In  the  mean  time, 
we,  and  the  auxiliary  Jews  did  all  in  our  power  to 
prevent  the  advancement  of  his  evangelic  kingdom, 
by  bringing  the  person  and  ministry  of  Jesus  into  as 
much  contempt  as  possible.  We  represented  him  as 
a  glutton,  a  drunkard,  a  Samaritan,  a  wizzard;  and, 
in  short,  every  thing  that  was  bad.  His  doctrine  we  re- 
presented as  subversive  of  the  law;  notwithstanding  we 
knew  him  to  be  holy,  harmless,  and  undefiled,  separate 
from  sinners;  that  he  came  to  magnify  the  law,  and  make 
it  honourable.  Because  his  works  were  such  as  carried 
their  own  evidence  with  them,  and  which  could  by  no 
means  be  contested,  we  persuaded  many  of  the  Jews,  that 
they  were  performed  by  the  power  of  Beelzebub.  Others, 
who  were  better  informed,  being  stirred  up  by  the  devil 
Malevolus,  out  of  pure  malice,  fell  in  with  the  common 
cry,  and  defamed  him  as  one  who  had  intercourse  with 
Satan;  and  thus  they  sealed  themselves  ours;  as  we  need 
never  fear  losing  a  man  after  he  is  capable  of  such  tran- 
sactions. 

Impiator.  And  who  were  they  chiefly,  father,  who 
thus  acted  the  devil's  part  so  perfectly  as  to  sin  unpar- 
donably  ? 

JfcFiDELis.  Not  the  vulgar,  who  knew  not  the  law,  I 
assure  you;  but  men  of  priestly  reverence,  gentlemen  in 
holy  orders,  gentlemen  venerable  for  their  erudition 
and  literature;   the  doctors  in  divinity,  the  scribes  of 


OF  DEVILS.  133 

t^e  law,  the  religious  pharisees  were  the  men,  and  their 
descendants  have  in  every  age  been  their  humble  imita- 
tors. It  is  unknown  how  much  the  devil  has  been  obli- 
ged to  gentlemen  of  the  gown,  and  to  scholiasts  in  gen- 
eral. 

It  happened,  in  process  of  time,  our  friend  Judas  found 
an  opportunity  to  betray  him  into  the  hands  of  the  prin- 
cipal priests,  for  the  goodly  reward  of  thirty  pieces  of  sil- 
ver; for  even  Judas  would  not  serve  the  devil  for  noth- 
ing. At  the  same  time  my  son,  Slavish  Fear,  who  is  a 
spirit  of  gigantic  stature,  fell  upon  and  routed  all  his  fol- 
lowers, so  that  none  of  them  remained  with  him  in  his  last 
temptations.  As  soon  as  Immanuel  was  seized  and  fet- 
tered, they  led  him  in  triumph  to  prison  and  judgment, 
•where  our  steady  friends.  Hatred  and  Falsehood,  were 
appointed  witnesses  against  him,  in  behalf  of  the  common- 
wealth. So  very  hard  did  they  swear  against  him,  that  he 
*.vas  brought  in  guilty  of  death,  as  had  been  agreed  on  be- 
forehand. As  soon  as  the  jury  of  priests  brought  in  their 
verdict,  the  devil  Crudelis,  and  Pilate,  who  sat  judge, 
arose  and  gave  sentence  against  him;  which,  for  its  sin- 
gularity, I  shall  repeat. 

1.  That  the  Jewish  ploughers  should  make  their  fur- 
rows long  and  deep  in  his  dovoted  flesh. 

2.  That  his  face  should  be  marred  with  shame  and  spit- 
ting. 

3.  That  his  cheek  should  be  bruised  by  the  slavish 
hand  of  the  barbarous  smiter. 

4.  That  he  should  be  delivered  over,  for  further  tor- 
ment, to  those  who  pluck  off  the  hair. 

5.  That,  in  point  of  the  greatest  contempt,  bis  tem- 
ples should  be  torn  with  a  mock  crown  of  piercing 
thorns. 

6.  That  be  should  be  crushed  to  the  earth  beneath  the 
weight  of  the  cross,  to  which  he  was  to  be  nailed  for  exe- 
cution. 

7.  That,  in  his  extreme  torture,  he  should  have  no 
drink,  but  the  sourest  vinegar  mixed  with  gall. 

8.  That,  in  the  most  barbarous  manner  which  devils, 
priests,  and  soldies  could  devise,  his  mangled  body 
should  be  stretched  upon  and  nailed  to  the  accursed  wood. 
And, 

9.  As  unworthy  of  either,  that  he  should  be  lifted  up 

12 


134  DIALOGUES 

betwixt  heaven  and  earth,  a  spectacle  to  devils  and  men, 
and  there  hang:  till  he  was  dead. 

As  soon  as  the  sentence  was  denounced,  the  devil  Ma- 
levolus  cried  out,  "  Away  with  him:  soldiers,  away  with 
him.  Come,  let  us  crucify  him.  His  sentence  is  by  far 
too  mild.  Away  with  the  varlet  to  Calvary."  So  they 
led  him  away  to  crucifixion. 

At  the  same  time,  our  infernal  nobility  were  struck 
with  amazement,  at  the  seeming  power  which  man  had 
gained  over  Immanuel^  and  great  Beelzebub,  in  the 
midst  of  his  astonishment,  thus  addressed  his  senators: 
"  Once  was  the  memorable  time  that  we  made  such 
an  attempt,  to  subvert  the  government  of  God,  by  re- 
sisting the  power  of  Immanuel;  but  great  was  our  de- 
feat, and  dismal  our  overthrow.  Our  designs  were  not 
only  frustrated;  but  we  ourselves,  in  the  height  of 
our  confusion,  fiercely  hurled  from  the  resplendent  sum- 
mit of  primeval  glory,  into  the  yawning  gulf  of  unfathom- 
able perdition,  where  we  are  still  reserved  in  these  hor- 
rible chains,  to  the  judgment  of  the  great  and  terrible 
day.  A  day,  the  \ery  thoughts  of  which  make  this  no- 
ble frame  of  mine  to  tremble  as  the  quaking  asp.  But 
how  it  comes  to  pass  I  know  not,  these  earthborn  sons 
of  ours  seem  exceedingly  to  surpass  us  in  power:  For  I 
saw  Immanuel  stand  fettered  at  their  bar;  dumb  as  a 
sheep  before  her  shearers,  he  opened  not  his  mouth.     I 

am  much  afraid  there  is  some  hidden  mystery  in  it. 

What  is  tins? My  undaunted  mind  is  not 

wont  to  misgive  me  thus! What  can  this  unusual 

tremor,  which  now  invades  my  heart,  portend? 

I  hate  timidity:  and  yet  I  cannot  help  fearing,  that  this 
commotion  of  my  intellects  is  ominous  of  some  event,  fa- 
tal to  our  interest. 

*•  I  cannot  deem  it  possible  that  the  God  of  heaven 
and  earth  would  patiently  submit  to  such  indignities, 
had  he  not  some  ends  to  answer  by  it,  to  which  we  at 
present  are  strangers.  Often  have  I  prophesied  true; 
but  0  may  my  prophetic  mind  be  mistaken  in  its  present 
timorous  forebodings!  Mean  while,  let  us,  my  infer- 
nal brethren,  harden  ourselves  in  despair;  for  it  is  now 
long  since  hope  took  wing  and  fled  from  these  dreary 
mansions,  strong  in  fury,  and  fired  with  revenge,  let 
us  quit  ourselves  like  devils  and  avowed  enemies  of 


OF  DEVILS.  135 

righteousness.  As  for  me,  I  hold  it  good  that  we  in- 
stantly fly  to  the  assistance  of  our  devoted  friends  the 
Jews.  Having  this  unexpected  opportunity,  let  us  not 
fail  to  improve  it  to  the  best  advantage:  let  it  not  be  ow- 
ing to  our  negligence,  if  the  state  of  Immanuel  be  not  over- 
turned. Let  us  not  have  the  hell  to  reflect,  that  we  omit- 
ted any  thing  that  might  tend  to  promote  the  interest  of 
darkness." 

Great  Beelzebub  finishing  here,  and  his  motion  being 
universally  approved  of.  all  the  legions  of  reprobate  an- 
gels, a  few  excepted  who  were  left  to  look  after  the  affairs 
of  the  damned,  took  wing  for  earth,  to  assist  at  so  very 
amazing  an  execution.  Arrived  at  Calvary,  they  formed 
themselves  into  an  invisible  ring  around  the  elevated 
cross,  where,  to  their  unspeakable  astonishment  and  won- 
der, hung  Immanuel,  the  maker  of  the  world;  and  you 
may  be  assured  they  did  not  fail,  as  far  as  it  was  in  the 
power  of  fallen  spirits,  to  torment  his  oppressed  soul. 
Ay,  ay,  so  successful  were  we  devils,  priests,  and  sol- 
diers that  day,  that  no  less  was  hoped  for  than  a  decisive 
victory  over  the  Son  of  God. 

But,  how  shall  I  speak  it.^  to  the  everlasting  mortifica- 
tion of  the  infernal  peers,  just  as  Immanuel  was,  to  all 
appearance,  ready  to  expire,  on  a  sudden  he  exerted 
his  mighty  power,  seized  old  Beelzebub  and  dashed 
him  against  the  cross,  then  casting  him  to  the  earth, 
he  so  bruised  the  head  of  the  serpent  with  his  heel, 
that  there  is  great  reason  to  believe  he  will  never  re- 
cover as  long  as  he  live.  It  would  have  grieved  the 
heart  of  the  very  Crudelis  himself,  to  see  the  abuse 
which  our  great  and  venerable  parent  received  on  that 
occasion. 

Impiator.  Well,  sire,  I  cannot  but  think  how  truly 
the  prophetic  mind  of  Beelzebub  foreboded  his  mis- 
fortune. But  what  were  the  rest  of  the  chiefs  a  do- 
ing? Why  did  not  all  the  veterans  flee  to  his  assist- 
ance? 

Infidelis.  a  pertinent  question,  indeed,  consider- 
ing by  whom  it  is  made,  my  son.  But  I  assure  you, 
we  were  never  so  greatly  mistaken  in  our  days  as  at 
that  time.  For  when  we  thought  ourselves  sure  of  the 
victory,  to  our  sad  experience  we  learned,  that  Immanu- 
el was  strongest  in  death.     For  even  when  he  was  dy- 


136  DIALOGUES 

ing,  he  laid  U3  all  under  the  most  perfect  arresf;  nous 
of  us  could  take  one  step,  either  backward  or  forward 
but  as  he  gave  permission^  so  that  being  spoiled  of  all 
our  power,  we  could  not  help  ourselves,  much  less  the 
afflicted  prince.  This  done,  he  cried  out,  with  a  voice 
which  shook  the  very  foundations  of  both  earth  and  hell, 
"  It  is  finished,"  and  was  then  conveyed  by  death  into  an 
invisible  state. 

This  done,  once  more  we  thought  the  day  our  own. 
But  here,  I  cannot  omit  that  fearful  stagnation  of  nature 
which  happened  then,  and  the  set  of  new  preachers 
which  were  introduced.  For  when  all  under  our  influ- 
ence had  forsaken  Immanuel,  who  was  betrayed  by  one, 
denied  by  another,  and  forsaken  by  all  his  preachers,  the 
indignant  sun  could  not  endure  that  sight;  as  if  angry 
and  ashamed  at  the  proceedings  of  the  sons  of  men,  he 
covered  his  face  with  a  sable  cloud,  and  denied  one  smi- 
ling ray  to  delinquent  earth  whilst  his  Lord  was  ignomi- 
niously  crucified.  As  if  it  had  been  seized  w^ith  uncom- 
mon tremor,  the  earth  itself  fell  into  a  fit  of  violent  con- 
vulsions, the  mountains  reeled,  the  rocks  rent,  the  graves 
opened,  the  dead  arose,  and  all  to  preach  the  sufferings  of 
the  God  of  nature.  An  invisible  hand  rent  the  veil  of  the 
temple,  that  cloth  of  extraordinary  texture,  in  twain,  from 
the  top  to  the  bottom;  and  a  voice  was  heard  to  say, "  The 
glory  is  departed  from  Israel  and  now  the  most  holy  place 
is  laid  open." 

Death  having  conveyed  Immanuel  to  its  lonely  man- 
sions, the  resolute,  though  maimed  Beelzebub,  our  great 
prince,  recovered  himself  as  much  as  was  possible,  his 
head  being  incurably  broken;  mustered  his  maimed  for- 
ces and  went  to  the  assistance  of  Death,  if  possible, 
to  keep  Immanuel  fast^  prisoner  in  the  silent  tomb. — 
Nothing  doubting,  but  if  this  could  be,  we  should  ren- 
der all  that  he  had  heretofore  done  and  suffered,  null 
and  void.  The  better  to  succeed  in  this  important  en- 
terprise, we  sealed  the  door  of  the  sepulchre  and  set  a 
watch  of  faithful  soldiers,  instructed  by  the  chief  of  the 
Jewish  priests;  and  still  to  make  the  security  stronger, 
every  fiend  did  his  utmost  to  impose  weights  on  the  burl- 
ed body  of  Immanuel,  to  prevent  his  resurrection  from  the 
solitary  grave. 

But,  to  our  eternal  confusion,  on  the  third  day  of  hia 


OF  DEVILS.  ISr 

Invisible  state,  he  arose,  shook  himself  from  the  dust, 
came  to  the  door  of  the  sepulchre,  burst  it  open,  and 
laid  hold  on  Death,  who  stood  as  sentinel  next  to  the 
door  of  the  tomb,  trampled  him  under  his  feet,  and,  bj 
main  force,  wrenched  from  him  his  poisonous  sting,  that 
sad  repository  of  all  his  strength.  This  done,  he  said, 
*'  Henceforth,  monster,  hast  thou  no  power  over  the 
people  for  whom  I  have  died."  Then  he  broke  impetu- 
ously through  all  the  lines  of  martial  infernals,  who 
stood  in  firm  phalanx  around  the  tomb,  and  seized  the 
lately  wounded  chief,  who  was  very  ill  with  a  fever  in  his 
mind,  arising  from  his  disaster  upon  Mount  Calvary. — 
lie  took  the  fiend,  the  great  Beelzebub,  chained  him  to 
the  axle  of  his  chariot,  mounted  his  seat,  and  rode  tri- 
umphantly through  the  gathering  crowds  of  joyful  saints, 
who  on  golden  pinions  descended  from  heaven,  in  solemn 
strains,  to  hymn  their  all-conquering  and  triumphant  Re- 
deemer. 

O  my  friends,  my  dear  infernals,  it  must  have  pierced 
your  hearts  with  the  most  poignant  sorrow,  to  see  him 
dragged  in  triumph  through  all  the  host;*  of  saints  and 
angels,  who  fearless  stood  in  blazing  ranks  to  see  the 
longed  for  solemnity;  and,  at  the  same  time,  to  see 
our  beloved  friend  Death  lie  gasping  for  life  at  the 
door  of  the  sepulchre.  Great  was  the  confusion  of  the 
infernal  brigades,  when  they  saw  their  principalities 
spoiled,  and  Death  and  Satan  so  terribly  handled:  Yea, 
so  tremendous  was  their  amazement,  that  to  escape  the 
avenging  hand  of  risen  Immanuel,  they  retreated  even 
to  the  nethermost  depths  of  hell,  and  his  scattered  dis- 
ciples again  resorted  to  his  erected  standard.  But  the 
greatest  disappointment  and  consternation  was,  when  we 
understood  that  after  all  our  diligence  and  hazardous 
exploits,  we,  with  our  auxiliary  priests,  &.c.  had  done 
nothing,  but  what  the  hand  and*  council  of  God  had  pre- 
determined should  be  done;  that,  by  our  seeming  victory 
over  Immajiuel,  he  had  for  ever  subdued  us  under  his 
feet;  and  that  all  our  hatred,  envy,  and  cruelty,  was  ful- 
ly recompensed  into  our  own  bosoms;  now  deeper  damn- 
ed than  ever. 

AvARo.    Ha!    father,    these   were    troubles,    indeed, 
such   as    do    not   happen  every  day:    But  it  is  not  for 
us  to  desist  from  tempting  when  our  designs  miscarry^ 
12* 


138  DIALOGUES 

then  should  we  not  act  the  part  of  desperadoes,  such  a9 
we  are. 

Infidelis.  Ah  gentlemen,  great  was  the  cause  of  my 
dismay;  for  Immanuel  gave  such  demonstration  of  his 
Messiahship,  that  all  which  was  written  in  the  propheta 
concerning  him,  was  exactly  fulfilled  in  his  life  and 
death:  Yea,  so  very  striking  was  the  evidence,  that 
many  cried,  ''Truly  this  is  a  just  man;"  and  others, 
'* Truly  this  is  the  Son  of  God."  Therefore,  I  great- 
ly feared  that  all  the  world  would  become  believers  m 
him,  and  consequently  shake  oft'  my  yoke.  But  I  was 
much  obliged  to  my  good  friends,  the  Jewish  clergymen; 
for  their  reverences  greatly  befriended  me,  and  warmly 
espoused  my  interest;  exerted  their  utmost  power  to  es- 
tablish the  throne  of  great  Infidelis,  and  to  destroy  the 
early  seeds  of  Christianity,  sown  by  Immanuel,  and  now 
beginning  to  grow. 

Immanuel  having,  in  opposition  to  all  the  powers  ef 
darkness,  finished  the  work  for  which  he  came  down  to 
the  earth,  he  triumphantly  ascended  to  his  native  heaven, 
to  the  primeval  embraces  of  his  Eternal  Father,  and  as- 
sumed all  the  ensigns  of  empyrean  glory. 

Soon  after  this,  the  high  festival  of  pentecost  drew 
on,  and  I,  as  formerly,  attended  at  Jerusalem,  in  the 
midst  of  many  thousands,  who,  according  to  the  law, 
came  up  to  worship  upon  that  occasion,  not  only  from 
Judea,  but  from  nations  very  remote.  I  dreaded  no 
harm  at  the  hands  of  a  few  illiterate  fishermen,  haviLg 
not  been  informed  that  any  of  the  rulers,  or  of  the  scribes 
and  pharisees,  had  believed  in  Jesus;  and  therefore  was 
at  no  pains  to  prevent  the  multitude  from  coming  up  to 
the  solemnity  as  usual.  But  here  was  another  shock  my 
kingdom  sustained;  for  Peter,  the  fisherman,  who,  so  ve- 
ry lately,  like  a  dastard,  impiously  denied  his  Lord  with 
profane  oaths,  now  filled  with  the  Holy  Ghost,  stood  up 
in  the  midst,  and  clearly  proved  that  Jesus  was  the  very- 
Messiah;  and  upon  this  occasion  played  oft' the  lieavy  ar- 
tillery of  Sinai  on  the  consciences  of  my  people,  which 
was  attended  with  success  so  fatal  to  me,  that  no  less 
than  three  thousand  were  pierced  through  the  heart  at 
once,  and  fell  on  the  field  of  action.  Now  it  was  that 
my  evil  apprehensions  were  again  alarmed,  plainly  per- 
ceiving that  the    artillery   of  the   word  was    levelled 


OF  DEVILS.  1S9 

against  my  person,  and  that  tlie  first  end  of  the  gospel 
was  the  subversion  of  my  diabolical  government.  How- 
ever, I  drew  up  all  the  forces  which  I  possibly  could,  in 
the  hurry  of  that  surprise,  my  soldiers  crying  out,  as 
they  gave  the  volley,  *"  These  men  are  drunken  with 
new  wine."  It  was  but  a  poor  opposition  to  a  doctrine  so 
powerful,  I  allow,  but  it  was  the  best  that  could  at  that 
lime  be  made;  for  we  were  obliged  to  retreat  in  much 
confusion,  and  leave  the  Christian  fishermen  masters  of 
the  field. 

As  soon  as  we  were  a  little  recovered  from  the  dis- 
order into  which  that  unexpected  misfortune  had  plunged 
ns,  I  summoned  a  council  of  war,  in  which  the  self- 
righteous  Jews  were  the  principal,  next  to  our  infernal 
train.  I  myself  gave  special  orders  that  some  method 
should  be  concerted  effectually  to  destroy  the  name  of 
Jesus;  for,  said  I,  *'  If  we  let  them  alone,  all  the  people 
will  believe  in  their  doctrine."  In  this  council  it  was 
resolved  to  raise  an  army  of  those  who  were  the  greatest 
adversaries  to  the  name  of  Jesus,  to  whom  orders  should 
be  given  to  kill,  destroy,  and  cause  to  perish,  all  who 
believed  in  this  way,  until  the  Christian  religion  should 
be  banished  from  the  face  of  the  earth.  This  army  was 
raised,  and  the  command  given  to  Saul,  of  Tarsus,  at 
that  time  a  mighty  zealot  for  us,  and  who,  for  a  season, 
made  dreadful  havoc  of  all  that  believed  contrary  to 
the  faith  of  the  priests.  For  it  ought  to  be  observed, 
that  the  opinion  of  the  priests  has  been  esteemed  true 
orthodox},  and  the  only  faith,  in  all  ages  and  coun- 
tries. 

But  here  another  sad  disappointment  and  loss  befel  me; 
for  as  this  same  captain  Saul  was  on  his  march  to  Damas- 
cus, to  fight  a  pitched  battle  with  the  Christians,  it  so  fell 
out  that  Immanuel  himself  was  taking  a  tour  in  the  valley, 
to  see  how  the  pomegranates  buddetl,  and  falling  in  with 
trusty  Saul  on  his  journey,  unveiled  his  own  personal 
excellencies  to  him,  and  laid  him  under  an  immediate  ar- 
rest. As  soon  as  he  saw  the  beauties  of  Immanuel,  he 
felt  the  most  sincere  esteem  for  his  person,  and  conceiv- 
ed the  most  exalted  sentiments  of  his  friendship  and 
love.  Yea,  he  was  even  so  much  grieved  that  ever  he 
had  drawn  his  sword  against  him,  that  he  renounced  the 
lervice  of  Infidelis  on  "the  spot,  took  the  oath  of  allegi- 


140  DIALOGUES 

ance  to  Jesus,  and  thenceforward  hated  my  person 
and  government  with  the  most  perfect  hatred,  and  did 
v/hat  he  could  to  overturn  our  state  and  subvert  our  gov- 
ernment. 

Immanuel  having  the  most  tender  regard  for  Saul, 
gave  him  a  new  name,  written  upon  a  white  stone,  ap- 
pointed him  one  of  his  prime  ministers,  and  sent  him 
on  an  embassy  to  my  subjects,  to  negociate  a  revolt  from 
mel 

You  cannot  conceive  the  astonishment  the  Jewish 
clergy  were  in  when  swift-winged  fame  arrived,  and 
blowed  abroad  in  every  street  that  Saul,  who  was 
formerly  so  zealous  for  our  interest,  was  now  become 
a  ringleader  of  the  sect  of  the  Nazarenes,  and  was  like^ 
ly  to  do  us  more  mischief  than  all  who  had  gone  before 
him. 

By  this  time  several  of  the  Jewish  rabbins  rebelled 
against  me,  and  joined  themselves  to  the  Nazarenes, 
wiio  now  made  it  their  whole  business  to  go  from  place 
to  place,  exhorting  my  subjects  to  revolt,  exposing  my 
deformity  and  devilishness  to  all  they  met  with.  01 
those  were  trying  times;  for  notwithstanding  we  had 
forces  out  against  them  in  every  quarter  of  the  world,  to 
impede  their  progress,  the  word  of  God  by  their  means 
prevailed  in  such  a  manner,  that  it  was  beyond  our 
power  to  suppress  it:  For  if  we  burned  one  Nazarene, 
two  more  presently  sprang  up  out  of  his  ashes.  Even 
Rome  itself,  then  the  metropolis  of  the  .world,  and  seat 
of  pagan  virtue,  and  Athens,  where  Minerva  is  said  to 
have  been  trained  up,  were  soon  infested  with  this  new 
doctrine;  and  very  considerable  numbers  in  them  durst 
oppose  our  government,  and  dispute  our  title  to  empire; 
even  alleged  that  the  wisdom  of  this  world  is  fool- 
ishness with  God,  and  that  all  pagan  virtue  is  but 
dross  and  dung,  in  comparison  of  the  gospel  of  Christ 
Jesus. 

However,  to  cut  my  story  as  short  as  may  be,  after 
many  hundred  thousands  of  the  Nazarenes  were  slain j 
my  subjects  became  weary  of  the  war.  By  this  time 
they  saw  clearly  that  persecuting  them  to  death  only 
served  to  increase  their  number  and  strength:  So  that  if 
those  restless  devils,  Malevolus  and  Crudelis,  would 
have  been  quiet,  they  would  gladly  have  dropped  their 


OF  DEVILS.  141 

weapons,  and  agreed  to  a  cessation  of  hostilities  with  the 
Christians. 

Impiator.  Little  judgment  as  lam  allowed  to  hare  of 
historical  aflfairs,  I  myself  have  seen  what  effect  opposition 
usually  hath  upon  that  class  of  people^  for  if  in  any  place 
where  my  standard  is  more  eminently  elevated  there  hap- 
pened to  be  any  of  that  sect,  you  shall  find  them  more 
fervent  in  their  study  of  virtue,  and  zealous  in  their  op- 
position to  me,  than  in  those  provinces  where  Morality  or 
Civility  preside.  Ah,  gentlemen,  we  have  had  trying  times 
pass  over  us! 

Infidelis.  Trying  times  indeed.  For  notwithstand- 
ing the  fervent  zeal  of  Malevolus  and  Crudelis,  the 
many  sore  campaigns  they  had  served  so  enervated  their 
arms,  that,  although  their  principles  remained  implaca- 
ble, they  were  even  obliged  to  sit  down  in  despair  of 
ever  being  able  to  extirpate  the  religion  of  Jesus  from  the 
world. 

But  my  fertile  brain  soon  produced  fresh  devices. 
Seeing  many  of  my  temples  forsaken,  and  my  idols  with- 
out mercy  thrown  to  the  pavement,  I  began  to  think  of 
other  expedients  to  impede  the  progress  of  Christianity. 
I  laboured  to  introduce  Ease,  and  her  handmaid  Pros- 
perity, among  the  Christians,  not  without  hope  that 
when  they  were  full  they  would  forget  their  God.  The 
better  to  favour  this  deep  contrivance,  I  persuaded  the 
valiant  Crudelis  to  scabbard  his  sword  for  a  season,  and 
leave  the  people  of  our  heart  to  the  possession  of  their 
tranquillity. 

It  was  not  long  that  this  scheme  had  been  put  in  prac- 
tice ere  I  began  to  reap  the  fruit  of  my  wisdom;  for 
Ease  and  Prosperity  wrought  more  to  my  advantage  than 
all  the  excursions  of  the  devil  Crudelis.  When  they 
were  at  ease  from  the  lash  of  persecution,  they  were 
foolish  enough  to  quarrel  among  themselves,  grievously 
bit  and  devoured  one  another,  the  cause  of  their  strife 
for  the  most  part  being  who  should  be  the  greatest. 

Fastosus.  a  very  important  question,  much  canvass- 
ed, but  never  as  yet  resolved.  Had  1  been  a  clergyman 
instead  of  a  devil,  I  had  certainly  been  a  great  casuist  in 
this  part  of  school-theology.  Never  was  a  point  of  doc- 
trine more  belaboured  certainly  than  this,  and  never  were 
people  more  divided  in  sentiments  than  about  this  resolu- 


142  DIALOGUES 

tion,  even  from  the  great  church  of  Turkey  down  to  the 
smallest  dissenting  congregation.  The  divines  of  the  es- 
tablished church  in  Turkey  stand  stiffly  to  it  that  Ma- 
homet and  themselves  ought  to  preside  over  all  the  be- 
lieving  world.  The  doctors  of  France,  Spain,  and  Italy 
are  as  firmly  persuaded  that  pre-eminence  is  due  to  none 
but  his  holiness  and  themselves;  and  that  all  who  are 
not  of  the  same  opinion  are  certainly  in  a  state  of  dam- 
nation. 

As  for  their  reverences  in  England,  though  they  will 
deny  no  honour  to  his  popeship  which  really  is  his  due, 
they  will  submit  to  none  as  the  leading  priest  but  his 
Grace  of  Canterbury,  and  consider  that  church  which 
they  are  the  pillars  of  as  the  purest  establishment  that 
the  lower  world  can  boast  of.  Others  indeed  there  are 
^vho  greatly  question  his  Grace's  right  to  preside,  and 
therefore  refuse  to  bow  to  his  mitre,  resolving  to  be  en- 
slaved in  their  own  way.  Hence,  although  the  reverend 
members  of  the  associate  synod  cannot  in  conscience 
submit  to  the  corrupt  governors  of  the  kirk  of  Scotland, 
all  of  whom  they  have  long  since  recommended  to  the 
care  of  the  devil,  much  less  can  they  bow  to  a  metro- 
politan, whom  they  call  the  image  of  the  pope.  They  can 
very  cordially  submit  to  the  government  of  the  reverend 
Mr.  Adam  Gibb,  because  they  themselves  had  the  plea- 
sure of  choosing  him.  That  goes  a  great  way.  And 
hence  it  is  every  society  has  its  Pope. — The  venerable 

of at submit  for  the  same  reason  to  the 

great  ;  and  the  of to  the  rev. ;  so 

that  it  is  not  submission  itself  that  is  objected  to,  so 
much  as  the  mode  of  it;  for  gentlemen  will  be  submis- 
sive enough,  may  they  but  choose  a  pope  for  themselves. 
But  remember  this,  whoever  is  chosen  the  pope  of  a  par- 
ty, is  by  his  partisans  always  deemed  the  greatest  For 
instance,  at  the  foundery,  none  is  so  great  as  the  Rev. 
Mr.  John  Wesley,  sometime  fellow  of  Lincoln,  Oxon. 

And  at  the none  ever  preached  or  wrote  like  the 

great ,  D.  D.  author  of ,  and  of ,  and  of , 

&.C.  &:c.  &c.  But  amongst  them  all,  a  very  few  are  found 
who  consider  Jesus  Christ  as  the  greatest,  and  who  pro- 
perly call  him  Master. 

AvARo.  I  thought  Immanuel  had  settled  that  point  long 
ago.     Did  he  not  establish  this  rule  for  the  observance  of 


OF  DEVILS.  143 

bis  disciples,  **  Whosoever  will  be  great  among  you,  let 
him  be  your  minister;  and  whosoever  will  be  chief  among 
you,  let  him  be  your  servant."  Did  not  the  divines  abide 
by  his  determination? 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro;  quite  the  reverse:  for  the 
schoolmen  will  have  it,  that  he  who  is  chief  shall  be 
lord  over  his  brethren.  By  these  means  they  have  an- 
nexed a  certain  degree  of  nobility  to  their  religion, 
which  Jesus  never  intended  to  be  joined  with  his.  But 
we  hinder  the  reverend  Infidelis  proceeding  with  his 
story. 

Infidelis.  Those  female  fiends,  the  ladies  Prosperity 
and  Ease,  as  plenipotentiaries  for  Beelzebub,  made  great 
proposals  to  them^  and  indeed  they  soon  established 
kingdoms,  principalities,  and  powers,  of  the  christian 
name. 

Then  were  the  Christians  able  to  maintain  themselves 
against  their  pagan  neighbours,  my  professed  subjects. 
This  I  patiently  bore,  believing  that  the  martial  spirit  of 
the  Christians,  a  little  indulged  for  the  present,  would 
greatly  make  for  our  interest,  and  the  final  establishment 
of  my  kingdom. 

Those  reverend  ladies.  Prosperity  and  Ease,  had  not 
been  long  amongst  them,  ere  many  who  bore  the  Christian 
name  were  desirous  of  coming  to  terms  of  agreement 
with  me;  but  upon  this  express  condition,  ''That  in  the 
treaty  of  amity  betwixt  them  and  me,  it  should  be  stipu- 
lated that  they  still  be  called  by  the  name  of  Christ, 
for  it  was  now  become  scandalous  to  bear  the  name  of 
another."  This  request  I  thought  reasonable  enough, 
and  that  to  grant  it  would  be  no  very  great  concession 
on  my  part;  therefore  I  readily  agreed,  and  the  treaty 
was  confirmed.  It  is  an  invariable  rule  with  me,  that 
it  is  not  very  material  whether  a  man  is  called  a  Chris- 
tian or  not,  provided  I  have  but  safe  possession  of  his 
heart;  for  names  do  not  change  the  nature  of  things. 

This  amiable  fiend,  lady  Prosperity,  rested  not  in  her 
pleasing  operations  until  she  had  quite  reduced  the  ori- 
ental nations  to  such  a  degree  of  reason,  that  they  peti- 
tioned my  personal  return  among  them;  and,  as  my 
loving  subjects,  returned  to  their  allegiance.  Having 
now  secured  the  oriental,  the  splendid  lady  and  me  un- 
dertook the  conquest  of  the  occidental  church;  and,  the 


144  DIALOGUES 

better  to  succeed  In  our  enterprise,  we  fixed  our  abode 
at  Rome,  famous  both  for  ancient  and  modern  paq;anism. 
As  for  me,  I  knew  it  was  necessary  I  should  remain  in- 
cognito, until  a  fair  opportunity  should  offer  for  mj 
emerging  out  of  darkness;  but  my  lady  Prosperity  deck- 
ed herself  in  her  richest  attire,  and  openly  resided  a- 
mong  the  Christians,  who  were  so  ravished  with  her 
excellent  beauties,  that  he  was  deemed  the  most  happy 
man  who  could  prevail  with  her  excellency  to  take  up 
her  lodging  in  his  house.  Her  ladyship,  you  know,  is 
not  to  be  won  by  every  one  who  addresses  her.  Here 
she  acted  according  to  previous  instructions,  and  made 
free  with  the  bishop's  house,  as  best  suited  to  our  pur- 
pose. 

Wonderful  were  the'works  which  she  performed  there; 
for,  at  her  first  arrival,  the  bishop  was  no  more  than  a 
plain  honest  man,  having  but  one  congregation  in  his 
diocese;  but  first  she  created  him  reverent;  then  his 
lordship;  then  his  grace;  and  after  that,  his  holiness,  &c. 
Indeed,  the  vast  dominion  and  immense  revenues  which 
she  conferred  on  him,  so  swelled  the  haughty  prelate, 
that,  not  contented  with  the  honours  then  possessed,  he 
claimed  dominion  over  all,  as  the  father  of  the  whole 
world.  Even  this  was  short  of  giving  content,  unless 
he  should  also  reign  over  heaven  and  hell;  therefore  he 
hath  seized  the  gates  of  both,  and  lets  in  and  out  just 
whom  he  pleases.  Nothing  short  of  arrogating  to  him- 
self the  prerogatives  of  the  Almighty  could  satisfy  his 
ambition,  such  as  his  holiness,  infallibility,  supremacy, 
&c.  The  devil"  himself  never  aimed  at  higher  things. 
In  the  mean  while,  her  ladyship,  at  her  leisure  hours, 
waited  on  those  who  were  of  any  account  among  the 
Christians,  who,  for  the  most  part,  had  nothing  of  christi^ 
anity  but  the  name.  Some  indeed  were  firmly  attached 
to  Immanuel,  who  could  not  be  bribed,  even  by  her  larg- 
est offers;  but  their  number  was  comparatively  small. 
Seeing  the  progress  which  Prosperity  made,  they  went 
about  the  streets  complaining  in  some  such  words  as 
these:  **  This  harlot.  Prosperity,  will  be  the  ruin  of  Chris- 
tianity." 

In  process  of  time  I  was  sent  for  to  the  bishop's  court, 
he  being  entirely  reconciled  to  me.  The  worthy  prelate 
received  me  with  all  the  reverence  due  to  my  person,  antl 


OF  DEVILS.  145 

.laid  before  me  a  beloved  scheme,  which  he  had  designed, 
and  of  which  he  desired  my  opinion. 

Having  maturely  digested  his  plan,  I  replied,  "  Worthy 
and  self-adoring  sir,  lias  your  holiness  power  sufficient  to 
defend  your  deitysliip,  providing  your  divinity  should  be 
called  in  question?"  To  which  his  holiness  said,  "'Yes, 
yes,  yes,  I  have,  I  have.  There  are  several  potent  princes 
who  will  conspire  to  make  me  omnipotent.  They  will 
spend  their  substance,  depopulate  their  dominions,  de- 
stroy their  bodies,  damn  their  own  souls,  and  the  souls 
of  their  subjects,  in  defence  of  my  godhead.  There  are 
many  wise  priests  also,  who  will  contribute  all  their  wis- 
dom, for  their  own  emolument,  to  make  me  omniscient 
or  infallible."  Having  such  an  agreeable  account  of 
his  holiness's  aiTairs,  I  resolved  all  his  scruples  at  once, 
for  thus  I  addressed  him:  ''Most  subtle  of  all  the 
priests,  if  thus  you  are  supported,  I  think  all  things 
go  very  favourably.  Therefore  lose  no  time  in  pub- 
lishing to  the  world  your  excellent  scheme  of  divinity; 
let  it  be  proclaimed  that  henceforth  you  are  no  longer 
man." 

Tmpiator.  His  holiness  was  in  the  right  of  it  to  dis- 
claim humanity.  What  mortal  man  was  ever  endowed 
with  such  qualities  as  are  his?  V/hat  mere  man  was 
ever  infallible?  Kot  Peter,  he  fell  low  enough.  Infal- 
libility is  an  essential  attribute  of  Godhead,  and  his  ho- 
liness being  possessed  of  that,  must  needs  be  God.  What 
man  ever  did,  or  ever  will,  reign  with  despotic  power 
over  all  the  priests  and  princes  of  the  earth,  putting 
down  one  and  exalting  another  at  his  pleasure,  like  his 
holiness.  It  is  by  him  that  kings  reign,  and  princes  de- 
cree judgment^  and  not  by  the  Almighty,  as  formerly. 
Therefore  his  holiness  can  be  no  mortal  man.  And  yet  a 
mortal  god  is  a  strange  sort  of  character. 

Infidelis.  The  great  priest  thanked  me  for  my  good 
advice,  secretly  renounced  the  name  of  Jesus,  and  swore 
allegiance  to  me;  called  for  Falax,  whom  he  chose. for 
his  scrivener,  and  Perfidiosus,  whom  he  appointed  secre- 
tary; then,  with  all  convenient  speed,  issued  forth  an 
edict,  in  which  it  was  declared, 

1.  That  the  word  of  God  is  no  longer  of  any  force 
to  decide   religious  controversies;    but   that  the   bare 

13 


146  DIALOGUES 

word  of  his  holiness  at  Rome  should  determine  in  e\eTj 
case. 

2.  That  no  man,  henceforward,  should  dare  to  search 
the  scriptures,  contrary  to  the  resolution  of  the  apostolic 
chair,  the  Bible  being  condemned  as  a  book  full  of  heresy 
and  protestant  tenets,  containing  many  things  pernicious 
to  the  souls  of  men,  and  very  derogatory  from  the  honour 
of  holy  mother  church. 

3.  That  the  pope's  Bible,  or  canons,  decrees,  and  le- 
gends, are  to  be  held  as  the  only  rule  of  faith  and  prac- 
tice, exclusive  of  all  others,  underpainof  eternal  damna- 
tion. 

4.  That  God,  who  made  heaven  and  earth,  hath  no 
longer  power  to  save  or  damn  any  man  without  the  pope's 
permission;  and  that  the  infallible  bishop  of  Rome  v/ould 
save  and  damn  whom  he  should  think  proper. 

5.  Notice  was  given  to  all  whom  it  might  concern,  that 
the  free  pardons  v/ere  already  all  expended;  so  that  a 
former  proclamation,  made  from  another  quarter,  which 
held  forth  nothing  but  free  pardons,  is  to  be  held  null  and 
void;  and  that  in  future  no  man  may  expect  pardon  un- 
less the  full  price  is  paid  into  the  hand  of  a  faithful  priest, 
as  delegate  of  his  holiness. 

6.  That  the  Holy  Ghost  is  to  be  deemed  incapable  of  the 
work  of  sanctifi cation;  all  the  souls  he  hath  undertaken  to 
cleanse  having  been  found  with  many  spots  upon  them, 
before  they  passed  through  his  holiness's  furnace,  here- 
after to  be  named. 

7.  Advertisement:  That  his  holiness  the  pope  has,  at 
great  expense,  obtained  a  very  large  quantity  of  the  most 
purifying  fire  in  hell,  together  with  a  battalion  of  the  most 
skilful  furies  of  the  pit  to  work  the  flames,  both  of  which 
he  hath  placed  in  limbo,  alias  purgatory,  where,  for  a  pro- 
portionable sum  promptly  paid  unto  one  of  his  holiness's 
vassals,  or  priests,  any  catholic  spectre  shall  be  burned  as 
white  as  a  bishop's  hand. 

8.  The  better  to  encourage  this  branch  of  priestcraft,  it 
was  declared,  that  no  case  is  quite  desperate,  but  that  of 
those  who  abide  by  the  Bible  as  the  only  rule  of  faith  and 
practice. 

9.  It  was  declared,  that  the  Almighty  has  no  longer 
any  power  to  support  princes  in  their  sovereignty,  that 


OF  DEVILS.  147 

power  having  devolved  upon  his  popeship;  who,  for  the 
future,  would  exalt  or  debase  princes,  as  ihej  proved 
steady  or  unsteady  to  his  interest. 

10.  It  was  enacted,  that  no  man  should  in  the  least  call 
in  question  the  pope's  divinity,  his  supremacy,  and  infal- 
libility; and  every  person  thus  oifendiug  should  be  deem- 
ed an  atheist,  a  heretic,  and  traitor,  and  as  such  should 
be  destroyed. 

Now,  ray  brother,  having  thus  far  carried  on  my  his- 
tory, let  me  beo;  you  to  recite  some  part  of  yours. 

Fastosus.  AVith  all  my  heart,  brother;  but  it  must  be 
to-morrow  morning.  Our  time  is  now  spent.  Business 
must  be  attended,  or  it  will  wither  and  decay. 


DIALOGUE    XI. 


ALL  THE  DIALOGEANS  PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  Pray,  Crudelis,  what  is  this  mighty  affair 
'.'nat  so  highly  ticliles  your  fancy.^  Let  your  kindred  share 
in  your  mirth,  I  beseech  you. 

Crudelis.  Yesterday  afternoon  I  was  conjured  up  by 
Squire  Broadfield,  to  assist  in  the  whipping  of  a  poor  man, 
who,  being  ready  to  perish  with  hunger,  unluckily  begged 
a  morsel  of  bread  at  his  door.  But,  before  I  give  you  an 
account  of  the  whipping,  I  shall  first  give  you  a  specimen 
of  the  gentlenian's  character. 

Squire  Broadfield  is  a  gentleman,  and  justice  of  peace. 
He  is  worth  five  thousand  pounds  a  year;  and  that  is 
enough  to  m.ake  him  a  gentleman,  even  if  his  father  had 
been  a  beggar:  to  make  him  wise,  though  born  a  fool; 
learned,  although  a  very  dunce.  Indeed  it  must  be 
owned,  the  principal  part  of  his  worship's  education  was 
had  under  Dr.  Ringwood  and  Dr.  Jowler,  the  celebrated 
tutors  of  his  kennel.  Their  maxims  he  perfectly  under- 
stands, and  their  virtues  he  has  adopted.     But  five  thou- 


148  DIALOGUES 

sand  a  year,  you  know,  makes  the  study  of  the  kennel 
truly  classical. 

Talk  you  of  Orpheus  to  him,  his  worship  proposes  the 
virtue  of  Ringwood  to  your  consideration.  Do  you  ad- 
mire the  ardour  which  flames  in  the  Iliad's,  his  worship 
says,  no  music  like  the  voice  of  Jowler.  Tell  him  of  the 
majesty  of  Viigij,  he  will  bid  you  mind  v.ell  the  gait  of 
his  horse,  what  a  majestic  creature  he  is.  An  eiiperor, 
says  he,  might  be  proud  to  ride  such  another.  Do  you 
recommend  the  pleasures  of  solid  learning  to  him,  he  is 
in  raptures  about  the  diversions  of  the  chase.  As  yet 
he  hath  avoided  the  yoke  of  matrimony;  not  that  he  was 
ever  an  admirer  of  cuntirjeLice,  few  gentlemen  bemg  more 
conversant  with  the  fair  sex  than  his  v/orship.  He  keeps 
in  his  house  a  wanton  train  of  overfed  servants,  the  su- 
perfluities of  whose  table  would  comfort  the  bowels  of 
many  indigent:  besides  a  pack  of  hounds,  wliich  devour 
more  than  serves  to  mainiain  all  the  poor  in  the  parish 
workhouse.  But  this  miserable  wretch,  who  cannot  work, 
because  he  is  lame,  and  having  no  parish  to  flee  to  for  re- 
lief, chooseth  to  beg  rather  than  steal,  for  vvhich  his  wor- 
ship ordered  him  to  be  severely  whipt  by  my  good  son  the 
beadle,  until  he  shall  be  made  willing  either  to  steal  for 
a  living  or  to  die  of  hunger. 

Impiator.  1  am  not  certain  that  John  Ketch,  Esq.  of 
fiital  character,  had  any  hand  in  procuring  the  law  for 
whipping  beggars:  but  certainly  it  adds  greatly  to  his  re- 
venue. Nor  am  1  certain  that  it  was  made  on  purpose  to 
drive  vagrants  from  begging  to  stealing,  in  order 'more 
speedily  to  ease  the  nation  of  such  a  burden;  but  certain 
1  am,  it  greatly  helps  to  liil  up  the  Tyburn  chronicle. 
But  what  more,  cousin? 

Crudelis.  As  the  poor  lame  fellow  w^as  confronted  by 
the  beadle,  and  was  convinced  of  the  reality  of  his  wor- 
ship's benevolent  intention  to  have  him  well  flogged,  he 
fell  on  his  knees,  and  implored  mercy  for  God's  sake,  and 
for  Christ's  sake,  &c.  promising  that  if  he  might  be  for- 
given this  once,  he  v;ould  never  return  fo  these  parts  any 
more.  He  pleaded  his  indigence,  his  hungry  belly,  his 
lameness,  his  belonging  to  no  parisii,  and  every  thing  his 
fear  could  devise;  but  all  served  only  to  harden  the  jus- 
tice's heart  the  more.     He  ordered  the  beadle  to  take  hira 


OF  DEVILS.  149 

» 
away,  and  do  his  duty  immediately.  The  beadle  signi- 
fied to  him,  as  they  drew  near  to  the  whipping  post,  that 
he  felt  some  relentings  of  heart  towards  him;  and  that  if 
he  could  only  give  him  a  handsome  fee,  he  would  favour 
him  as  much  as  his  reputation  would  admit  of.  But,  upon 
enquiry,  finding  that  the  old  fellow  was  so  wicked  as  to 
have  no  money,  his  heart  became  like  brass,  and  he  re- 
solved to  ply  him  thoroughly,  to  the  satisfaction  of  hia 
worship.  Accordingly,  when  Squire  Broadfield  and  ma 
arrived  in  company  to  see  the  sport,  there  was  the  poor 
rascal,  whose  poverty  was  his  principal  crime,  tied  to  the 
post,  and  mangled  with  the  cord,  which  the  lusty  beadle 
plied  with  nervous  arm. 

Oh!  how  his  worship  and  me  did  laugh  to  see  the  vil- 
lain, whose  poverty  was  obstinate,  leaping,  as  his  lame- 
ness would  let  him,  and  writhing  his  bloody  back,  as  the 
whip  was  lustily  played  about  him  by  the  sturdy  beadlej 
^vho,  for  his  part,  would  rob  and  steal,  and  do  any  thing, 
rather  than  be  whipped  by  a  trusty  brother  of  the  trade; 
yea,  would  act  ten  thousand  villanies,  rather  than  die  of 
hunger.  This  fellow  must  be  a  most  incorrigible  rogue, 
to  be  sure,  if  he  is  not  willing,  by  this  time,  either  to 
steal  and  be  hanged,  or  patiently  to  die  of  an  empty 
belly. 

Impiator.  Whal,  Crudelis,  have  they  made  a  law  to 
whip  all  the  beggars  that  infest  your  country? 

Crudelis.  No,  no,  Impiator.  I  heartily  wish  there 
were  such  a  law;  for  then  I  would  even  quit  my  devil- 
ship  to  become  king  of  the  beadles.  If  all  the  beggars 
were  to  be  punished  at  the  whipping-post, /(as  I  know 
no  reason  why  they  should  not)  periiaps  his  worship  him- 
self, and  his  reverence  the  parson  of  the  parish,  would 
not  escape  a  thorough  drubbing.  And  yet,  Crudelis  as 
my  name  is,  I  think  the  whip-beggar-law  is  very  partial 
and  unjust,  as  it  lays  hold  on  none  but  poor  petty  beg- 
gars, who  would  be  content  with  bread,  shins  of  beef, 
and  table  beer,  whilst  others  may,  with  impunity,  beg 
and  obtain  some  thousands  a  year  of  the  nation's 
money. 

What  are  all  the  ranks  of  mankind,  but  so  many  beg- 
gars? Does  not  his  reverence,  the  inferior  clergyman,  beg 
a  living  from  my  lord  bishop,  or  some  neighbouring  noble- 
man; and  do  not  their  lordships  beg  of  the  king?    D© 
13* 


150  DIALOGUES 

not  the  very  members  of  parliament  come,  hat  in  hand, 
and  meanly  beg  of  the  corporation,  having  no  conscious- 
ness of  worth  in  themselves?  Do  not  the  pliant  cour- 
tiers sue  to  the  favourite  for  places  of  trust  for  the  sake 
of  the  profit? — Beggars  all,  except  the  stern  patriot,  a 
pelican  which  does  not  appear  once  in  a  century.  But 
if  their  lordships,  the  noble  beggars,  and  their  honours, 
the  gentlemen  beggars,  are  to  be  considered  as  authors  of 
the  whipping  law,  I  should  have  wondered  indeed  if 
care  had  not  been  taken  to  exempt  themselves  from  its 
penalty. 

The  case  stands  exactly  thus.  If  a  gentleman,  extra- 
vagant beyond  his  revenue,  begs  for  a  thousand  or  two 
per  annum,  lie  shall  not  only  escape  with  impunity,  but 
obtain  his  suit;  provided  always  he  will  be  the  humble 
pliant  creature  of  the  minister:  but  if  a  poor,  helpless, 
low-born  wretch,  pinched  with  hunger,  happens  to  beg  a 
piece  of  bread  in  an  interdicted  place,  he  shall  be  exer- 
cised at  the  whip|)ing-post. 

IxFiDELis.  1  think,  brother  Fastosus,  you  agreed  to 
give  us  some  account  of  your  affairs.  We  should  hold 
ourselves  much  honoured  by  the  favour.  But  for  this, 
I  would  beg  the  history  of  my  son  Crudelis,  who  makes 
himself  so  merry  at  the  expense  of  foolish,  vicious 
mortals. 

Fastosus.  His  history  might  be  entertaining  enough,  I 
suppose;  but  doubtless  mine  must  be  much  more  elegant 
and  instructive,  as  my  concerns  have  been  mostly  wiih 
venerable  gentlemen,  and  with  none  more  than  those  of 
the  sacerdotal  function. 

Notwithstanding  I  prevailed  with  the  Jews,  almost  u- 
nanimously,  to  contemn  the  person  and  testimony  of  .lesus 
of  Nazareth,  the  Christian  religion  gained  ground  in  the 
world.  Yea,  the  word  of  God  grew  mightily,  and  pre- 
vailed over  the  traditions  of  both  Pagan  and  Jewish  sages; 
therefore,  from  thenceforward,  I  found  it  necessary  to 
deal  deep  in  the  things  of  religion. 

I  began  my  trade  with  ecclesiastical  titles,  which  were 
altogether  unknown  in  the  days  of  Christ  and  his  apos- 
tles; a  set  of  goods  very  venerable  with  the  populace,  and 
wholly  of  my  manufacture;  an  assortment  of  trifles  which 
greatly  pleased  the  lords  of  religion,  and  forwarded  the 
oeep  designs  of  priestcraft 


OF  DEVILS.  161 

Impiator.  With  your  leave,  sir,  I  have  heard  that  all 
(he  lord  bishops  are  descended  in  a  right  line  from  the 
apostles;  must  it  not  then  follow,  that  the  convocation 
of  Jerusalem  consisted  of  tlie  most  reverend  fathers  in 
God,  their  graces,  my  lord  Peter,  my  lord  Paul,  Lc.  &c. 
metropolitans;  and  the  rioht  reverend  fathers  in  God,  my 
lord  Stephen,  my  lord  Philip,  my  lord  Timothy,  my  lord 
Barnabas,  &.c.  diocesians? 

Ikfidelis.  Son,  you  ought  not  to  interrupt  your  hon- 
ourable uncle.  You  may  remember  that  these  titles  are 
all  of  later  date. 

Fastosus.  My  nephew  shall  hear,  if  he  will  but  have 
a  little  patience.  The  famous  lady  Prosperity  and  you, 
brother,  had  not  been  a  very  great  while  at  Rome,  be- 
fore I  found  sufficient  encouragement  to  erect  my  office 
for  vending  sacerdotal  titles  there;  and  I  must  own 
that  for  many  years  I  had  a  brisk  run  of  trade,  until, 
in  fact,  the  church  had  room  fur  no  more,  from  the 
great  infallible  priest  at  Rome  down  to  a  Cumberland 
curate.  The  first  production  of  this  kind  was  a  very 
brilliant  medal,  inscribed  with  these  five  capital  letters, 
P.  A.  T.  E.  R.,  which  having  finished,  I  presented  at 
a  general  convocation  of  bishops,  who  as  yet  were  not 
become  reverend.  They  were  highly  pleased  with  the 
device,  having  never  seen  such  a  thing  before.  The 
worthies  examined  it  one  after  another,  and  all  found 
that  the  venerable  letters,  well  put  together,  and  pro- 
perly interpreted,  signified  Father.  And  certainly  the 
event  has  proved  that  great  is  the  magical  power  of  this 
medal. 

Every  one  said  to  his  fellow,  *'What  can  be  more 
agreeable  to  our  function  than  this  venerable  title.^  Are 
not  we  the  fathers  of  the  people:"  They  forgot  that 
One  is  the  father  of  the  people,  even  God.  I  was 
therefore  desired,  with  all  speed,  to  procure  a  like  medal 
for  every  member  of  this  august  assembly.  >oon  after 
this,  I  provided  medals  more  highly  finished,  and  ia- 
scribed, 

P,  A,  T,  R,  I,  A,  R,  C,  H,  A, 

one  of  which  I  bestowed  on  the  holy  bishop  of  Rome; 
a  second  I  gave  to  the  bishop  of  Alexandria;  a  third  to 


15a  DIALOGUES 

that  of  Constantinople;  a  fourth  to  that  of  Jerusalemj  and 
a  fifth  to  him  who  presided  in  the  church  of  Antioch.  In 
all  which  places  my  medals  were  more  highly  valued  than 
the  finest  ruby;  and  he  who  could  by  any  means  obtain 
one  of  them  was  supposed  to  be  elevated  far  above  the 
common  rank  of  mortals. 

Long  and  very  successfully  had  I  followed  that  medal- 
lion trade,  wiien  a  famous  and  worthy  prelate  of  Rome, 
who  was  a  great  admirer  of  my  productions,  came  into 
my  ofiice.  After  doing  obeisance  to  me,  and  turning 
over  my  pretty  devices,  he  assked  me  *'  If  I  thought,  with 
all  my  ingenuity,  1  could  produce  a  genuine  medal  with 
this  inscription, 

P,  A,  P,  A,  S, :    S,  U,  P,  R,  E,  M,  U,  S. 

OR, 

EPISCOPUS    UNIVERSALI  S." 

I  told  him,  that  if  all  the  artists  in  hell  were  to  unite  their 
wisdom  in  one  mechanical  head,  it  would  be  utterly  im- 
possible; for,  said  I,  ihe  whole  citation  doth  not  furnish 
sufficient  materials.  But,  if  it  please  your  holiness,  I  can 
make  you  a  sham  medal  of  that  sort,  which  may  perhaps 
answer  all  the  ends  you  have  in  view  as  well  as  if  it  were 
real.  Oh!  said  he,  t  care  not,  fur  my  part,  whether  it  is 
real  or  counterfeit,  if  I  can  only,  by  your  assistance,  my 
worthy  Fastosus,  impose  upon  the  credulity  of  mankind, 
and  make  the  world  believe  that  1  am  supreme  pope, 
and  universal  bishop;  then  I  should  reign  with  despotic 
power  over  the  estates  and  consciences  of  all  christians. 
My  good  friend,  please  you  to  make  me  the  medal,  and 
I  will  cause  the  world  to  believe  that  I  had  it  from  the 
Almighty,  with  letters  patent  under  the  broad  seal  of 
heaven,  for  the  sole  use  of  it  to  me  and  my  successors 
forever.  *' 1  well  know,  returned  J,  that  your  holiness 
means  no  more  than  in  a  pious  manner  to  impose  the 
cheat  upon  the  world,  the  better  to  fill  your  coffers,  and 
aggrandize  your  name;  in  which  laudable  undertaking 
your  adored  Fastosus  shall  be  ever  ready  to  direct  and 
assist." 

To  work  I  went,  having  called  in  the  assistance  of  se- 
veral of  our  friends,  and  made  a  counterfeit  medal,  in  the 


OF  DEVILS.  153 

likeness  of  a  treble  crown,  with  certain  inscriptions  of  the 
cabalistic  kind  upon  it.  They  were  short  but  pltljy  sen- 
tences, as  jou  shall  hear. 

On  the  one  side  of  the  first  crown  was  inscribed,  He 
that  is  honoured  as  tiie  wearer  of  this  medal,  is  possessed 
of  infallible  knowledge.  Opposite  to  that  was  carved,  in 
fine  lialian,  He  is  supreme  over  all  laws,  divine  and  hu- 
man. On  the  right  side  of  the  second  crown  were  these 
words,  in  large  capitals,  This  is  the  head  of  the  Church. 
On  the  left  were  these.  This  is  the  vicar  of  Christ,  and 
successor  of  Peter.  On  the  third  and  uppermost  crown 
were  the  following.  The  keys  of  heaven,  hell,  and  purga- 
tory are  in  his  possession,  and  tised  only  at  his  pleasure. 
Round  the  edge  was  this  writing,  He.  reigneth  supreme 
over  all  the  king?  of  the  earth,  putteth  down  one,  and  ex- 
alteth  another  at  his  pleasure. 

When  finished,  I  presented  it  to  the  arch  prelate,  who 
received  it  with  all  imajiinable  thankfulness,  viewed  it 
with  the  most  exquisite  delight,  and  oftener  than  once 
protested  by  his  infallibility  that  he  had  never  seen  any 
thing  contrived  with  equal  art,  nor  so  suitably  adiipted  to 
his  aspiring  principles.  Transported  with  joy,  he  cried 
out,  "•  O  thou  ingenious  spirit!  bless  thee  for  thy  assist- 
ance! This  precious  medal  will  exalt  my  name  above  all 
that  is  called  Godj  all  the  European  princes  will  now  be- 
come my  vassals,  and  the  adorers  of  my  priestly  majesty. 
Bui,  to  complete  the  work,  I  pray  thee,  good  Fastosus, 
thifik  of  some  suitable  device  for  me,  by  which  I  may  bind 
all  the  various  ranks  of  the  clergy  to  my  interest;  for  I 
shall  never  dare  to  show  my  miraculous  medal,  nor  di- 
vulge the  delightful  inscriptions  on  it,  unless  1  have  some- 
thing of  the  like  nature  to  present  to  their  reverences; 
for  this  alone  will  excite  them  to  favour  the  cheat.  As 
for  laymen,  the  scum  of  nature,  I  regard  not  them.  They 
are  a-ses,  upon  whom  we  shall  ride  with  pleasure  and 
profit;  and  if  at  any  time  they  ride  restifi",  we  will  tame 
them  with  the  rod  of  discipline,  and  so  belabour  them  with 
the  cudgel  of  excommunication,  that  with  gladness  they 
shall  suDmit  implicitly  to  our  decisions.  Could  not  the 
great  Fastosus  strike  me  a  variety  of  medals,  of  different 
worth  and  designs,  and  lodge  them  safely  in  my  posses- 
sion, that  I  may  have  the  sole  distribution  of  them  among- 
my  depending  clergy;  for  unless  they  cleave  as  close  to 


154  DIALOGUES 

me,  as  the  scales  to  the  back  of  Leviathan,  I  shall  never 
be  able  to  support  mj  pretensions  to  infallibility  and 
supremacy. 

To  which  I  replied,  "Great  priest,  in  order  to  bind 
the  clergy  inviolably  to  your  interest,  let  me  advise 
you  to  take  care  that  your  decisions  be  always  in  their 
favour:  place  your  own  grandeur  in  the  front  of  all 
your  proceedings,  and  let  theirs  immediately  follow  it.'' 
Which  advice  the  good  man  cordially  embraced,  and 
ever  since  has  invariably  followed  it  with  the  utmost 
precision. 

From  henceforth,  continued  I,  T  give  you  full  power 
and  authority  to  preside  over  all  those  medals  which  I 
haT3  already  issued  forth;  and  for  the  future,  the  dispo- 
sal of  them  shall  be  at  your  holiness's  pleasure.  I  will 
moreover  add  to  the  number,  and  you  shall  have  more 
than  sufficient  to  gain  all  the  clergy  to  your  party.  But 
observe,  you  must  receive  this  power  at  the  hand  of  great 
Fastosus;  for  it  is  by  me  alone  you  can  lord  it  over  the 
estates  and  consciences  of  men.  The  great  prelate  heard 
with  attention,  and  then  rejoined,  *' Mighty  Fastosus,  if 
you  will  oblioje  me  in  this,  you  may  depend  upon  me  and 
all  my  successors  as  faithful  subjects;  implicitly  obedient 
servants  to  your  highness,  and  your  father  Beelzebub. 
Nor  do  I  doubt  but  the  rest  of  the  priests,  for  the  sake  of 
power,  will  be  equally  loyal  to  you,  and  implacable  ene- 
mies to  Immanuel;  therefore  your  kindnesses  shall  be 
gratefully  returned  on  our  parts." 

''Very  well,  said  I;  but  be  sure  that  all  your  villany 
be  carried  on  under  the  sliow  of  sanctity,  otherwise  you 
will  do  us  but  little  service." 

AvAuo.  Then,  sir,  by  what  you  say,  it  may  be  conclu- 
ded, the  hoary  prelate  at  Rome  is  very  sensible  that  he 
is  Beelzebub's  agent,  and  that  all  his  pretensions,  beyond 
those  of  the  lowest  pastor  are  an  imposition. 

Fastosus.  Y^es,  Avaro,  he  knows  it  very  well,  and 
that  makes  him  the  more  like  unto  us.  Indeed  the 
cheat  is  so  palpable,  that  any  one  who  has  read  his 
Bible  with  attention  must  needs  see  through  it.  But 
by  these  proceedings,  I  soon  found  I  had  cut  out  a 
great  deal  of  w^ork  for  myself,  so  that  I  was  obliged 
to  be  doubly  diligent.  However,  my  sole  delight  be- 
ing to  promote   the  works  of  darkness,  I  soon  struck 


OF  DEVILS.  155 

off  seventy  new  medals,  inscribed  Cardixalis.  These 
I  presented  to  his  holiness,  who  examined  them  with 
great  attention,  and  was  highly  pleased  with  the  inge- 
nious device. 

"Most  noble  spirit,  said  he  to  me, these  medals,  I  per- 
ceive, will  raise  the  gentlemen  who  receive  them  next  in 
dignity  to  myself,  and  they  will  be  the  first  and  most  able 
to  support  the  see  of  Rome."  You  must  needs  know,  my 
friends,  that  this  prediction  has  been  fully  accomplished. 
For  in  all  ages,  since  the  cardinals  have  received  their  me- 
dals, they  have  been  truly  indefatigable  in  establishing  the 
power  and  supremacy  of  the  Pope.  His  holiness  and 
they  being  so  intimately  connected,  that  they  must  stand 
or  fall  together. 

In  the  next  place,  I  struck  off  a  considerable  number, 
somewhat  inferior  to  the  former,  distinguished  by  a  Mi- 
tre on  one  side,  and  on  the  other  by  the  inscription  Ar- 
cHiEPiscopus;  which,  in  like  manner,  I  presented  to  the 
father  of  the  world,  much  to  his  satisfaction.  These, 
said  he,  shall  fix  the  class  next  to  the  former,  and  I  doubt 
not  but  every  one  of  them  will  be  suiiiciently  obsequi- 
ous, in  expectation  of  a  cardinal's  hat.  The  archbish- 
ops being  thus  disposed  of,  I  took  all  the  diocesan  me- 
dals which  I  had  formerly  produced,  and  put  them  un- 
der the  care  and  disposal  of  the  prelate;  and  he  was  pleas- 
ed to  assign  them  to  those  who  were  next  in  place  to  the 
archbishops,  each  one  in  humble  expectation  of  higher 
preferment. 

AvARo.  Hah,  uncle!  was  it  you  that  made  those  titles, 
ascribed  to  the  various  orders  of  the  clergy? 

Fastosus.  Was  it  I,  do  you  ask?  Yes,  it  was  I  in- 
deed! AVho  ever  read  in  the  New  Testament,  any 
thing  at  all  about  a  supreme  bishop,  or  about  cardinals, 
and  lord  bishops?  I  made  them  all,  I  assure  you,  nephew; 
though  I  will  not  affirm  that  every  person  who  has  borne 
these  names,  has  been  absolutely  under  the  dominion  of 
pride. 

To  my  great  honour  I  speak  it,  Avaro,  I  ceased  not 
when  I  had  made  their  lordships  the  diocesans,  but  went 
on  with  my  trade,  until  I  had  procured  curious  me- 
dals for  a  very  great  number  of  abbots,  swarms  of 
monks  and  friars,  jesuists,  franciscan  and  dominicaa 
friars,  with  a  long  train  of  et  ceteras,  who  soon  appear- 


156  DIALOGUES 

ed  in  shoals,  as  numerous  as  locusts  when  thej  ascend 
out  of  the  bottomless  pit.  Then  follovved  the  bare-head- 
ed capuchins,  mendicants,  penitents,  pilgrims,  &c.  with- 
out number.  Those  religious  gentry  owe  all  their  digni- 
ty to  me,  unless  it  may  be  that  Avaro  has  some  little  hand 
in  the  matter. 

Avaro.  You  dome  great  honour,  sir,  in  mentioning  me 
as  a  worker  together  with  you. 

Fastosus.  After  all  this,  the  subtile  priest  thought 
that  the  antichristian  hierarchy  of  Rome  could  not  stand 
upon  a  foundation  solid  enough,  unless  all,  or  at  least 
some  of  the  princes  of  Europe  were  invested  with  ec- 
clesiastical titles,  and  so  adopted  into  the  new-model- 
led church.  Ttierefore,  I  toUl  his  holiness,  that  1  had 
three  highly  finished  medals  by  me,  ready  prepared,  fit- 
ting fur  roval  personages.  Here,  said  1,  is  one  inscrib- 
ed Rex  Catholicus;  let  it  be  presented  to  your  servant 
his  mnjesty  of  Spain.  This  second  medal,  inscribed 
Rex  Christianissimus,  will  be  an  acceptable  present  to 
your  vassal,  the  French  king;  and  this  third,  inscribed 
Rex  Fidelissimus,  I  advise  you  to  bestow  upon  the  little 
monarch  of  Portugal.  His  huary  holiness,  with  raptures 
replied,  ''  Very  good,  m.ost  noble  Fastosus;  this  device 
will  doubtless  secure  all  these  three  princes,  as  so  many 
pillars,  to  support  my  infallibility.  But  what  of  the  king 
of  England,  sir.'*  I  dread  those  islanders.  Is  there  no 
medallion  charm,  by  which  that  invincible  prince  can  be 
secured  to  our  interest?  I  pray  you,  good  Fastosus,  lend 
me  an  hand  in  this." 

I  shall  endeavour  to  serve  y6ur  holiness,  replied  I,  and 
then  he  withdrew.  Soon  after  I  presented  him  with  a 
medal  suited  to  his  wish.  It  bore  the  inscription.  Defen- 
sor Fide,  and  was  given  to  the  monarch  of  England;  but, 
alas!  it  has  not  answered  our  expectations;  for  this  same 
monarch,  instead  of  defending  the  orthodox  faith  of  Rome, 
was  the  first  crowned  head  that  protested  against  the  su- 
premacy of  the  Italian  bishop. 

AvARo.  It  is  somewhat  droll,  that  the  king  of  England, 
having  shaken  oft*  the  yoke  of  Rome,  should  still  keep 
possession  of  the  medal,  which  his  predecessors  received 
as  a  present  from  the  pope.  One  would  think  that  when 
the  pope  himself  was  renounced,  in  strict  justice,  all  his 
gifts  should  have  been  restored,  and  the  title,  Defender  of 


OF  DEVILS.  157 

the  Faith,  have  been  by  a  protestant  prince  rejected 
amongst  the  rest  of  Romish  trumpery;  but  wonders  never 
cease.     Did  you  finish  here,  sir? 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro,  I  assure  you,  many  titles  be- 
sides these  were  first  issued  from  my  office,  such  as 
his  grace,  a  title  claimed  by  many  a  graceless  duke,  as 
well  as  antichristian  priest.  His  lordship,  a  title  by 
which  many  a  profane  nobleman  and  irreligious  bishop 
are  distinguished.  His  honour  claimed  by  many  who 
never  felt  one  desire  after  true  honour.  \Vhen  a  gen- 
tleman's honour  depends  merely  upon  his  estate,  table 
and  equipage,  such  a  title  as  his  honour,  very  ill  be- 
comes him,  yet  many  such  there  are  who  claim  the  ap- 
pellation. 

AvARo.  If  high  birth,  and  an  ample  fortune,  do  not  en- 
title a  man  to  his  honour,  I  pray  you  what  will? 

Fastosus.  An  honourable  conduct,  Avaro,  without 
which  he  is  only  a  clown  in  disguise.  And  many  such 
fools  you  may  find  wrapped  in  scarlet  and  lace,  with 
swords  dangling  by  their  sides. 

Impiator.  I  beg  leave  to  observe,  that  according  to 
modern  maxims  in  my  country,  he  is  esteemed  a  man  of 
honour,  who  can  imitate  the  popish  priests  in  scorning 
wedlock,  and  frequenting  the  company  of  lewd  women. 
He  who  is  a  stranger  to  every  delicate  and  chaste  senti- 
ment; who  scorns  religion,  disregards  morality,  and 
thinks  it  beneath  his  dignity  to  keep  any  of  the  commands 
of  God;  or  even  for  a  moment  to  reflect  that  there  is  an 
hereafter.  It  would  be  difficult  to  persuade  some  people, 
that  the  British  senate  is  too  much  composed  of  such  men 
of  honour  as  these.  I  should  be  glad,  sir,  to  hear  your 
opinion  of  a  man  of  honour  more  at  large,  for  I  know  that 
you  are  wise. 

Fastosus.  A  gentleman  of  true  honour,  fails  not  to 
improve  his  estate,  be  it  great  or  small,  to  the  best 
advantage;  for  he  is  neither  indolent  nor  extravagant. 
His  increasing  revenues  are  not  heaped  up  for  adora- 
tion, nor  laid  by  as  useless  lumber,  but  applied  to 
clothe  the  naked  back,  and  refresh  the  empty  belly. 
His  principal  care  is  not  how  he  may  aggrandize  his 
family,  but  how  he  may  best  serve  his  king  and  coun- 
try; for  he  lives  not  to  himself,  but  to  the  public  good. 
He  adheres  to  strict  truth,  is  an  utter  stranger  to  im- 
14 


158  DIALOGUES 

pertinent  railery,  ancT perfectly  detests  the  voice  of  slan- 
der, la  his  civil  affairs,  he  does  the  same  things  to  su- 
periors, inferiors,  and  equals,  which  he  would  wish 
others  in  like  circumstances  to  do  for  himself.  If  at 
any  time  he  is  so  unhappy  as  to  give  his  neighbour  just 
cause  of  offence,  he  is  free  and  open  in  confessing  his  er- 
ror, and  ready  to  retrieve  it  to  the  utmost  of  his  power. 
The  title  of  his  honour  is  well-becoming  such  a  man  as 
this,  whether  his  estate  is  great  or  small,  his  birth  illus- 
trious or  obscure.  But  mercenary  statesmen,  plunder- 
ers of  the  public,  ill  deserve  the  titles  with  which  they 
are  distinguished.  Happy  might  it  be  for  Britain,  if  she 
could  always  procure  officers  for  every  department  in 
government,  who  would  prefer  the  welfare  of  the  cation 
to  their  own  personal  and  domestic  emolument.  And 
this  every  man  of  true  honour  will  be  sure  perpetually  to 
do. 

AvARO.  Then,  uncle,  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  men 
of  honour  are  not  quite  so  plenty  as  some  people  have 
imagined. 

Fastosus.  I  am  sorry  to  say  it,  Avaro,  but,  bad  as 
the  world  is,  there  are  still  many  to  be  found,  who,  wiih 
propriety,  may  be  called  men  of  honour;  But  it  is  well 
for  us  they  are  mostly  of  obscure  character.  They  can- 
not act  the  cringing  knave,  and  vilely  flatter  their  supe- 
riors, in  order  to  gain  preferment  Their  countenances, 
adorned  with  comely  modesty,  cannot  contend  with  the 
impudence  of  fuols  and  rogues,  therefore  continue  ob- 
scure when  the  most  wortidess  are  exalted.  But  if  a  tru- 
ly honourable  man  should,  by  any  miracle,  ascend  to  an 
eminent  station,  and  be  entrusted  with  public  concerns, 
his  country  is  sure  to  find  a  nursing  father,  and  not  an 
accursed  step-dame  in  him,  as  is  otten  the  case  with  other 
governors. 

There  is,  likewise,  his  reverence  the  parson,  a  ti- 
tle ascribed  to  many  men,  who  lead  very  irreverend 
lives. 

AvABO.  True,  sir;  but  it  is  the  vulgar  opinion,  that 
the  reverence  of  the  parson  does  not  depend  upon  his  mo- 
ral conduct,  but  upon  his  investiture,  received  from  the 
Uand  of  tlie  bishop. 

Fasiosus.  1  know  it,  Avaro;  but  it  is  a  prevailing  mis- 
sake,    ioiposition  of  the  haods,  even  of  an  apostle,  coul4 


OF  DEVILS.  159 

never  make  anj  man  reverend,  whose  doctrine  is  hetero- 
dox, or  whose  convej-sation  is  immoral:  otherwise  our 
friend  Simon  of  Samaria  might  have  been  numbered 
among  their  reverences.  Indeed,  Avaro,  were  any  man 
hardy  enough  to  attempt  it,  I  know  of  no  subject  more 
proper  for  satire  than  the  pretended  reverence  of  the  par- 
sons. But  he  must  be  daring,  indeed,  who  would  set 
himself  to  oppose  the  orthodox  priests  of  the  day,  for  that 
would  be  thought  by  many  the  very  same  as  to  oppose 
God  Almighty  himself,  and  every  body  would  cry  atheist 
at  him. 

AvARo.  Pray,  sir,  what  is  your  opinion  of  reverence, 
and  to  whom,  may  the  epithet  of  reverend  consistently  be 
given? 

Fastosus.  To  very  few  of  the  leaders  of  any  denomi- 
nation, Avaro;  and  yet,  perhaps,  to  some  few  of  every 
denomination  among  protestants.  1  hate  them,  cousin, 
and  could  not  bear  to  talk  of  them  were  it  not  to  oblige 
you;  for  they  are  avowed  enemies  to  our  administration, 
as  you  will  see  by  the  description  of  them.  For  he  is  a 
reverend  minister,  whether  he  was  educated  at  Oxford  or 
Aberdeen,  who  makes  not  gold  but  the  glory  of  Immanu- 
el,  and  the  welfare  of  immortal  souls,  the  first  end  of  his 
labours.  Who  is  assiduous  in  his  study,  fervent  in  his 
ministry,  and  has  a  paternal  affection  for  his  people. — 
Who  studies  not  how  to  please  the  great,  or  to  gain  the 
esteem  of  the  staring  multitude,  but  to  approve  himself 
to  God  and  the  consciences  of  men,  not  shunning  to  de- 
clare the  whole  counsel  of  God,  without  any  mixture  of 
the  inventions  or  traditions  of  men. 

You  may  follow  this  man  from  the  church  to  the  mar 
ket,  from  the  pulpit  into  his  family,  and  find  him  all  of  a 
piece.  His  whole  conduct  is  one  chain  of  uniformity. 
But  it  is  not  every  gownsman,  either  papal  or  protestant, 
nor  even  every  dissenting  minister,  whom  this  descrip- 
tion suits.  Some  there  are,  and  who  can  deny  it,  who 
are  haughty  and  overbearing  in  their  spirits;  indolent  in 
study;  cool  and  lifeless  in  their  ministry;  thoughtless 
and  unconcerned  about  the  real  welfare  of  their  peo- 
ple. Yea,  some  are  so  wretchedly  lazy,  or  so  much 
taken  up  with  idle  and  vain  amusements,  that  it  is 
with  diinculty  they  can  bring  forth,  opce  a  week,  an 
oration,  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes  long;  and  that  scan- 


160  DIALOGUES 

ty  production,  perhaps,  when  it  is  exhibited  proves  no 
more  than  a  lecture  on  moral  philosophy;  or  it  may 
be  a  libel  against  some  different  party  or  denomina- 
tion of  Christians.  You  may  follow  some  of  them  from 
the  church  to  their  families  and  be  fully  convinced  that 
they  are  divines  only  in  name.  They  neglect  in  their 
families  the  very  duties  which  they  recommend  to  others. 
And  what  is  still  more,  connive  at  the  same  vices  in  their 
families,  which  they  expose  and  condemn  in  the  pulpit. 
But,  after  all,  they  have  the  care  of  souls,  and  are  the 
venerable  and  reverend  clergy,  in  the  same  manner  as 
the  pope  is  the  head  of  the  church:  I  mean  by  craft  and 
usurpation. 

AvARo.  I  have  got  a  noble  company  of  these  same 
parsons  in  my  corporation  of  Avarice,  whose  business 
it  is  to  vend  wind  in  order  to  obtain  wealth.  A  com- 
pany confined  to  no  one  denomination,  but  made  up  of 
all.  Every  one  of  this  company  has  got  his  own  system 
of  priestcraft,  but  all  are  intent  upon  the  main  point, 
viz.  to  get  as  much  wealth  by  his  craft  as  possible.  In- 
deed the  mother  church  of  Rome  very  far  outstrips  the 
rest,  for  she  may  lawfully  boast  that  her  clergy,  to  a  man* 
are  the  stedfast  worshippers  of  the  god  Avaro,  their  great 
benefactor. 

However,  the  protestants,  both  Calvinists  and  Luthe- 
rans, all  who  are  freemen,  in  the  company  of  avarice, 
keep  as  near  as  possible  to  the  orthodox  priests  of  Rome, 
in  making  a  lucrative  trade  of  what  they  call  the  gospel. 
And  however  they  differ  about  what  is,  and  what  is  not, 
gospel,  they  see  eye  to  eye  in  regard  to  making  profit 
of  it,  and  turning  the  altar  of  the  Lord  to  their  own  emol- 
ument. 

IxFiDELis.  How  should  it  be  otherwise,  my  son,  seeing 
there  are  in  some  places  manufactories,  on  purpose  for 
making  parsons? 

Fastosus.  So  I  have  heard,  brother,  with  this  addition^ 
that  the  making  of  parsons  is  reckoned  both  a  lucrative, 
and  honourable  employment,  not  unworthy  of  my  own 
patronage.  But,  between  you  and  me,  the  parson  ma- 
kers are  grievously  disappointed  frequently,  however  lit- 
tle they  are  sensible  of  it:  For  when  they  put  their  ma- 
terials into  the  refining  furnace,  they  hope  to  see  at  the 
end  of  the  process,  a  bright  and  shining  minister  of  Jesus 


OF  DEVILS.  161 

Christ  come  forth:    But  lol  a  learned  calf  is  produced, 
and  a  fervent  adorer  of  the  god  Avaro. 

Infidelis.  It  cannot  be  otherwise;  for,  to  our  grief  I 
speak  it,  the  unalterable  Immanuel  hath  reserved  to  him- 
self the  wisdom,  power,  and  prerogative,  to  make  minis- 
ters of  the  gospel;  and  if  men,  like  Jannes  and  Jambres, 
will  take  upon  them  to  imitate  the  immutable  works  of 
the  Almightj  they  may  be  permitted  to  make  things 
which  may,  for  a  time,  be  mistaken  for  gospel  ministers, 
even  as  those  magicians  performed  miracles  by  divine 
permission. 

Impiator.  So  then,  gentlemen,  I  perceive  your  opin- 
ion is,  that  learning  the  languages  and  sciences  unfits  a 
man  for  being  a  gospel  minister. 

Fastosus.  No,  Impiator,  no  such  thin2:.  or  the  gift  of 
tongues  had  not  been  given  at  the  feast  of  Pentecost:  But 
it  may  be  averred,  that  if  a  man  has  no  more  learning 
than  the  most  learned  university  can  give  him,  he  cannot 
possibly  be  a  minister  of  Jesus  Christ.  It  is  resting  in 
these  things  as  the  only  qualifications,  we  think  proper  to, 
laugh  at,  Impiator. 

AvARO.  Among  those  mercenary  orators,  there  are 
those  we  call  the  .Tumblers.  They  are  such  who  study 
not  their  sermons  from  the  scriptuie,  but  compile  them 
from  the  vvritings  of  other  men.  Being  destitute  of  judg- 
ment to  direct  them  in  their  compilations,  they  are  oblig- 
ed to  rely  implicitly  on  the  sentiments  of  their  authors. 
So  it  comes  to  pass,  that  they  contradict  on  one  Sabbath 
what  they  asserted  and  half  proved  the  day  before,  merely 
because  they  happened  to  stumble  on  authors  of  different 
sentiments.  Bist,  alai-!  poor  men,  what  shall  they  do? 
It  is  their  trade;  they  know  not  hew  to  get  a  living  with- 
out it;  they  cannot  dig,  and  to  beg  they  are  ashamed:— 
therefore  are  under  a  necessity  of  jumbling  forward,  in 
the  best  manner  they  can.  Of  late  years,  indeed,  this 
jumbling  tribe  have  hit  on  a  more  happy  method  of  man- 
agement, by  which  they  both  save  their  reputation  and 
laborious  study.  Amongst  learned  men,  there  have  al- 
ways been  some  few  of  genius  and  industry,  who  have 
found  means  to  turn  the  dullness  and  indolence  of  their 
brethren  to  their  own  emolument.  They  compose  ser- 
mons, print  and  sell  them  to  the  others,  who  pay  first  a 
good  price  for  tkeio,  then  preach  them,  that  is  to  sav, 
14* 


162  DIALOGUES 

read  them  to  their  several  congregations.  Enfield's,  and 
Webb's,  and  Trusler's  sermons,  have  been  of  great  use 
to  many  a  dull  and  lazy  clergyman. 

Fastosus.  How  is  this,  Avaro?  You  speak  of  the  par- 
sons as  if  they  were  at  best  but  learned  fools.  How  is  it 
possible  they  should  be  so  highly  revered  by  the  people 
if  they  were  such? 

AvARo.  I  speak  but  of  some  of  them,  uncle;  and  to 
make  good  what  I  say,  I  can  tell  you  that  it  is  not  the 
man,  whom  the  ignorant  populace  revere,  so  much  as  the 
gown,  cassock,  and  band;  and  these  they  would  revere  if 
they  were  seen  upon  an  ass,  provided  always,  his  ears 
were  hid  with  a  bush  of  well-powdered  hair.  I  assure 
you,  gentlemen,  amongst  the  intelligent  laity,  it  is  deem- 
ed a  maxim,  that  any  blockhead  will  do  very  well  for  a 
parson,  if  he  has  but  friends  to  recommend  him  to  a  liv- 
ing: As  a  proof  of  this  I  shall  tell  you  a  short  story. — 
There  is  one  Mr.  Provident,  a  merchant  in  London,  who 
hath  four  sons  at  the  grammar-school,  under  the  direction 
of  a  learned  gentleman  of  excellent  sense.  It  was  lately 
Mr.  Provident  made  a  visit  to  his  sons  and  their  tutor, 
when  he  took  occasion  to  ask  Mr.  Teachum's  advice,  in 
regard  to  his  disposal  of  them. 

To  which  the  schoolmaster  replied.  "  Sir,  I  have  often, 
with  pleasure,  observed  a  penetrating  judgment,  solid 
understanding,  and  an  inviolable  attachment  to  truth,  en- 
nobled with  the  generous  principles  of  true  benevolence 
in  your  eldest  son.  These  qualities,  sir,  are  excellently 
adapted  to  the  mercantile  life.  I  would  therefore  advise 
you  to  train  him  up  to  your  own  business.  Your  second 
son.  Master  Thomas,  hath  genius  sufficient  for  any  busi- 
ness; but  I  hope,  sir,  you  will  excuse  me,  if  I  tell  you 
that  I  have  discerned  one  thing  in  him,  which,  in  my 
judgment,  unfits  him  for  the  capacity  of  a  merchant.  As 
I  know,  sir,  you  would  have  me  to  speak  freely,  you  will 
notbeoftended  with  me,  if  I  tell  you  that  it  is  a  selfish- 
ness and  contractedness  of  spirit,  together  with  a  violent 
propensity  to  lying  and  equivocation.  If  he  were  my 
son,  sir,  I  would  bring  him  up  to  the  law,  in  which  he 
will  very  likely  make  a  conspicuous  figure.  Your  young- 
est son,  Master  James,  has,  if  I  mistake  not,  along  with  a 
very  considerable  degree  of  dulness,  a  heart  that  is  a 
stranger  to  sympathetic  feelings;  but  possesseth  geniu* 


OF  DEVILS.  165 

sufficient  for  a  physician.  I  would  point  out  the  roval 
college  for  his  residence." 

Here  Mr.  Provident,  the  merchant,  interrupted  him, 
and  said,  *'  Sir,  you  have  given  your  opinion  of  the  two 
eldest,  and  the  youngest,*  but  you  say  nothing  of  Harry, 
my  third  son.  I  pray,  what  do  you  say  of  him?*'  To 
which  the  teacher,  with  a  blush,  replied,  '•  If  it  is  agree- 
able, sir,  I  would  advise  you  to  make  him  a  clergyman.*' 
To  this  the  father,  with  a  mixture  of  grief  and  anger,  re- 
plied, "  What,  sir,  do  you  think  he  hath  crenius  sufficient 
for  nothing  else?"  "  I  am  afraid  not,  said  the  masterj  but 
you  can  easily  niake  friends  with  my  lord  bishop,  and 
procure  him  a  considerable  benefice.  Take  this  step,  sir, 
and  his  lack  of  genius  will  scarcely  be  known,  as  he  may 
preach  and  administer  the  offices  of  the  church  by  proxy, 
which  you  know  is  very  gentleman-like." 

Infidelis.  And  do  you  really  think,  Avaro,  that  it  is 
want  of  abilities  to  preach  that  causeth  so  many  vicars  to 
keep  journeymen  to  do  their  work  for  them? 

AvARO.  With  some,  sir,  want  of  abilities  is  the  princi- 
pal cause,  and  with  the  rest,  an  utter  aversion  to  the  work; 
though,  by  the  way.  they  once  professed  to  be  drawn  to 
it  by  no  less  an  influence  than  that  of  the  Holy  Ghost: 
But  that  was  when  a  benefice  was  the  object  of  their  pur- 
suit, and  therefore  not  to  be  regarded  after  their  end  is 
obtained. 

Fastosus.  Cousin  Avaro,  here  I  believe  we  must  stop, 
as  we  have  certainly  overstaid  our  time.  I  hold  it  good 
therefore  that  we  depart,  and  meet  here  at  the  usual  time 
to-morrow.  Business,  you  know,  must  not  be  neglected. 
Adieu,  my  kinsmen. 


164  DIALOGUES 


DIALOGUE    Xir. 


ALL  THE  DL\LOGEANS  PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  Well,  gentlemen,  I  hope  no  idleness  has 
attended  any  of  our  fraternity  since  last  meeting.  I 
went  directly  from  you  to  assist  a  London  jeweller  in 
forming  a  set  of  ear-rings  and  pendants  upon  a  new  con- 
ttruction.  I  made  him  sensible  of  the  most  elegant  plan, 
enjoined  him  to  pursue  it,  give  the  praise  to  his  patroa 
Fastosus,  and  so  I  left  him. 

Impiator.  I  pray  you,  sir,  what  is  the  real  use  of  ear- 
rings? For  my  part,  I  have  never  been  able  to  apprehend 
it,  unless  it  is  to  save  a  small  matter  of  gold  against  a  day 
of  penury. 

Fastosus.  They  are  of  no  use  at  all  to  the  wearer, 
Impiator,  though  they  help  the  goldsmith  and  lapidary 
not  a  little;  but  they  are  of  excellent  use  to  our  govern- 
ment. You  know  the  boring  of  the  ear  always  was,  and 
now  is,  an  emblem  of  servitude.  Yea,  it  is  an  incon- 
trovertible point  that  the  act  of  boring,  and  suifering  the 
ear  to  be  borud,  is  a  tokea  of  subjection  to  the  infernal 
monarch. 

Impiator.  Ah,  sir,  how  violently  the  spleen  would 
rage  among  the  ladies,  were  they  to  know  what  you  say 
of  them. 

Fastosus.  And  let  it  rage,  cousin.  What  is  that  to 
me.^ — The  ladies  are  too  much  in  love  with  courtly  Fas- 
tosus to  banish  me  from  among  them,  even  in  their  spleen- 
ish  fits. — But  to  explain  the  doctrine  of  ear-rings,  be  it 
observed,  that  the  crafty  Beelzebub  hath  an  invisible  chaia 
fixed  to  the  ear-rin2;,  by  which  he  leads  the  wearers  a  wild- 
goose  chase  throiii!;h  all  the  vanities  of  the  times.  No 
sooner  does  the  sable  governor  tug  a  lady  by  the  ear,  than 
ghe  feels  an  impulse  upon  her  heart,  which  directs  her  to 
the  play-house.  Opera,  Vauxhall,  Sadler's  Wells,  or  else- 
where; but  very  seldom  to  the  church.  If  at  any  time, 
for  the  sake  of  company,  she  takes  her  pleasure  at  church, 
the  great  deceiver  keeps  such  a  giagling  of  the  chain  ia 


OF  DEVILS.  165 

her  ear,  that  she  cannot  attend  to  one  word  of  the  service; 
by  these  means  the  Park,  the  Mall,  the  play-house,  and 
the  church  are,  in  effect,  the  same  thing  to  many  ladies 
of  fashion. 

AvARo.  And  are  all  who  wear  rings  in  their  ears 
to  be  looked  upon  as  slaves  to  the  great  Beelzebub, 
uncle? 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro,  not  all;  for  the  invincible  Im- 
manuel  hath  broken  the  chains  and  loosened  the  bands  of 
servitude  from  many.  Nevertheless,  they  still  wear  the 
rings  in  their  ears,  to  testify  what  they  have  been.  And 
what  news  from  your  friends,  Avaro? 

AvARo.  Very  little,  sir;  only  that  diligence,  frugality, 
and  good  husbandry,  go  on  as  usual.  All  heads  plodding, 
and  all  hands  active  to  get  and  to  save;  for  getting  and 
saving  is  all  the  cry  with  them.  I  had  a  little  matter  to 
attend  to  last  night  at  the  Swan  tavern,  where  there  was  a 
very  respectable  meeting  of  manufacturers,  by  whom  some 
few  things,  tending  to  promote  emolument,  were  consider- 
ed. The  first  consultation  was,  "  How  they  might  con- 
veniently lessen  the  quality  of  their  goods,  that  their  profit 
might  be  somewhat  advanced."  In  order  to  this,  a  plan 
was  proposed  by  Mr.  Dolus,  a  very  great  tradesman, 
which  was  unanimously  agreed  to  by  the  rest.  The  se- 
cond thing  was,  to  settle  the  prices,  and  come  into  mu- 
tual engagements,  that  no  one  should  undersell  his  bre- 
thren; which,  after  some  slight  altercation,  was  as  unani- 
mously settled.  You  must  know,  mankind  are  not  satis- 
fied vvitli  being  oppressed  by  infernal  tyranny,  but,  to 
add  to  the  devil's  work,  are  got  into  the  happy  way  of 
joining  in  combinations  to  oppress  and  devour  one  ano- 
ther. Nor  is  this  practice  peculiar  to  any  one  set  of  men, 
but  is  common  with  dealers  of  every  kind  and  denomina- 
tion, from  the  opulent  farmer  to  the  dealers  in  coal  and 
candles. 

When  this  was  done,  a  question  was  put,  How  they 
should  finish  a  certain  quantity  of  goods  against  a  certain 
day,  then  proposed?  For  it  seems  they  have  large  orders 
at  present.  To  which  one  of  them  said,  he  thought  it 
necessary  to  advance  the  journeymen's  wages,  in  order  to 
encourage  their  diligence.  But  this  gentleman's  motion 
was  unanimously  rejected,  as  an  unprofitable  way  of  pro- 
ceeding, very  ill  suited  to  the  growing  demands  of  their 


166  DIALOGUES 

sereral  families.  It  was  then  proposed  that  a  small  pre- 
mium should  be  given  to  every  workman  who  should  finish 
a  certain  quantity  of  goods  in  a  limited  time,  then  and 
there  to  be  stipulated.  But  this  also  was  objected  to,  it 
being  alleged  that  some  metliod  might  be  found  that  v/ould 
produce  the  desired  end,  and  yet  save  all  those  unneces- 
sary premiums,  which,  if  given,  would  introduce  a  very- 
bad  custom. 

At  last  an  old  gentleman,  whose  hoary  locks  shone  a3 
silver  from  under  his  weather-beaten  wig,  arose  and  most 
judiciously  addressed  his  brethren  in  the  following  man- 
ner: "  Gentlemen,  you  all  know  that  such  is  the  indo- 
lent disposition  of  journeymen,  that,  in  general,  let  their 
wages  be  ever  so  good,  they  have  no  notion  of  obtaining 
more  than  will  procure  them  a  bare  maintenance  through 
the  week,  and  a  few  quarts  of  strong  beer  on  Saturday 
night  and  Sunday.  Therefore,  to  advance  their  wages  is 
the  certain  way  to  have  them  work  less  than  they  do  at 
present;  but  let  us  lessen  their  wages  in  proportion  to 
our  extraordinary  call  for  goods;  for  by  how  much  the 
more  we  drop  the  prices  of  workmanship,  by  so  much  the 
more  vvork  shall  we  have  done.  A  l?are  living  they  must 
have,  let  the  prices  be  ever  so  low;  and  but  a  bare  liv- 
ing they  will  have,  if  they  are  ever  so  high.  If  we  ad- 
vance the  price  they  work  less,  and  if  we  drop  it  they 
will,  they  mubt,  work  more.  I  say  then  let  us  drop  tha 
prices." 

The  old  gentleman's  advice  was  cordially  embraced  by 
them  all,  and  every  one  blessed  the  sagacity  of  the  old 
fox,  now  grown  grey  in  wisdom.  And  this  day,  or  to- 
morrow, the  journeyman's  wages  are  to  be  lessened  ac- 
cordingly. 

Fastosus.  In  the  close  of  our  last  interview  I  was 
going  to  observe,  that  my  prevalency  is  great  amongst  the 
nobility  and  gentry.  By  my  indefatigable  industry,  the 
greater  part  of  them  are  rendered  altogether  insensible  of 
Sieir  origin,  so  that  they  look  down  upon  their  inCeriori 
as  a  set  of  despicable  creatures,  of  a  species  very  diiferent 
from  themselves;  not  considering  that  my  lord  Superbo 
and  poor  Lazar  Askalms  are  by  nature  brethren,  formed 
of  the  same  materials,  and  conceived  in  the  womb  of  the 
iame  earth. 

AvAKo.  Yet,  sir,  if  my  observations  are  just,  I  think 


OF  DEVILS.  167 

ther  have  some  kind  of  an  imperfect  notion  that  ther 
were  originally  formed  of  the  earth;  but  as  one  part  of 
the  substance  of  the  earth  is  esteemed  much  more  precious 
and  valuable  than  another,  perhaps  the  people  of  fashion 
have  the  happiness  of  being  formed  of  the  more  rich  and 
esteemed  particles,  and  the  rest  of  mankind  have  the  in- 
felicity of  deriving  their  beings  from  vulgar  day.  This  is 
the  more  likely,  as  there  is  a  manifest  difference  between 
their  constitutions  and  those  of  people  in  the  lower  spheres 
of  life:  the  first  being  brittle  and  feeble,  the  latter  more 
robust  and  healthy. 

Fastosus.  That  is  false  philosophy,  Avaro.  The  brit- 
tleaess  you  speak  of  does  not  proceed  from  any  defect  in 
the  natural  constitution  of  their  frame,  nor  from  any  rot- 
tenness in  the  materials  of  which  they  are  made,  but  hath 
its  cause  from  themselves.  Many  of  them,  in  their  in- 
fancy, are  nearly  starved,  from  an  infamous  notion  that 
enough  of  wholesome  food  is  injurious  to  them:*  And 
you  will  commonly  find  that  the  food  which  yields  the 
most  healthful  aliment  is  withheld  from  them,  at  the  in- 
stance of  Dr.  Scrawl,  the  family  physician.  This  same 
gentleman  has  not  so  little  sense  under  his  great  wig  as 
not  to  know  that  his  own  personal  emolument  is  inti- 
mately connected  with  the  weak  constitutions  of  people 
of  quality,  especially  the  ladies.  By  his  many  years  study 
of  physic  he  has  proved  to  a  demonstration,  that  if  the 
young  gentry  were  suffered  to  eat  enough  of  wholesome 
food,  like  the  farmers'  children,  his  business  would  not 
be  worth  following. 

AvARo.  I  know  it  well:  For  there  is  one  of  my  disci- 
ples, a  certain  physician,  eminent  in  practice,  who  hath 
acquired  a  genteel  fortune  by  prescription,  and  who,  if 
he  H  fndisposed  himself,  will  not  suffer  an  apothecary ^s 
drug  to  pass  his  gullet;  a  plain  indication  that  he  knows 
it  to  be  hurtful.  I  have  often  thought,  a  good  constitu- 
tion put  into  the  hand  of  a  doctor  is  like  a  good  causa 

*  Some  learned  physicians,  those  celebrated  defrauders  of  the 
pave,  have  found  out  that  bread  itself,  which  has  been  esteemed  the 
rtafF  of  life  in  all  ages,  is  at  last  become  dangerous  to  the  constitu- 
tion, and  therefore  to  be  used  with  caution  by  all  sorts  of  people, 
especially  such  as  are  best  able  to  fee  the  doctor  in  case  of  personal 
indisposition.  As  for  the  poor,  it  is  less  matter  what  they  eat,  M 
the  faculty  can  reap  but  little  advantage  from  their  sickneu. 


168  DIALOGUES 

put  into  the  hands  of  the  lawyers;  it  gets  worse  with 
deceitful  handling.  When  a  man  is,  by  the  force  of 
medicine,  fairly  got  down,  the  skilful  physician  knows 
very  well  how  to  hold  him  betwixt  life  and  death  as 
long  as  possible;  until  at  last  he  dies  by  inches  of  that 
prevailing  distemper  which  kills  so  many  people  of 
fashion. 

Fastosus.  True,  Avaro.  But  farther  to  prove  the 
gentry  the  causers  of  their  own  infirmity,  I  would  ob- 
serve, that  what,  in  infancy,  penury  and  want  leave  of 
the  constitution  unconsumed,  luxury  and  idleness  well 
nigh  finish  in  youth;  so  that  when  the  lady  comes  to  em- 
brace a  husband,  the  one  half  of  her  remaining  days  are 
spent  under  the  hand  of  the  doctor,  and  the  other  half  in 
pleasure  and  dissipation.  As  for  the  young  gentlemen, 
before  the  boyish  down  on  their  faces  is  able  to  resist 
the  razor,  they  have  commonly  contracted  such  loath- 
gome  disorders,  as  render  them  more  fit  for  an  infirmary 
than  for  the  marriage  bed,  and  have  more  need  of  a  sur- 
geon than  a  wife.  Thus,  Avaro,  you  may  see  by  what 
means  tlie  constitutions  of  the  gentry  are  so  frequently 
enfeebled. 

That  they  are  formed  of  the  same  materials  with  their 
inferiors  will  appear,  when  you  consider  that  there  were 
none  either  noble  or  ignoble  in  the  original  state  of  man- 
kind;  all  were  on  a  common  level;  but  when  we  had  made 
a  conquest  of  them,  it  became  necessary  for  the  Almighty 
to  dissolve  the  original  equality,  that  the  world  might  be 
rendered  in  some  measure  tolerable  to  all,  amidst  the 
confusion  and  disorder  which  our  dominion  over  them 
had  introduced. — For  if  people  cry  out  that  the  world 
is  bad  now,  it  is  certain  it  would  be  infinitely  worse 
were  superiority  and  inferiority  utterly  abolished.  More* 
over,  the  Almighty,  to  manifest  the  equity  of  his  pro- 
cedure, has  so  ordered  it,  that  the  system  of  superiority 
and  inferiority  is  perpetually  upon  the  change.  You  may 
find  some  persons  now  asking  alms  from  place  to  place 
who  are  descended  from  princes  and  nobles;  and  others 
in  the  most  exalted  stations  who  had  their  descent  from 
yery  beggars. 

Infidelis.  Aye,  brother,  that  very  consideration,  ta 
urge  no  more,  if  duly  attended  to,  would  prevent  the 
contempt  which  people  of  elevated  ranl^  are  apt  to  let 


OF  DEVILS.  169 

fall  on  their  inferiors.  But  let  them  go  on  until  the 
grand  leveller,  Death,  approach.  He  spares  neither  rich 
nor  poor,  noble  nor  ignoble.  Samael  knows  no  distinc- 
tion, cannot  be  bribed  like  temporal  judges,  admits  of  no 
excuses,  and  is  an  utter  stranger  to  pity.  At  prince,  at 
peasa'nt,  at  the  noble  earl  and  his  servile  groom,  at  the 
dame  of  honour  and  the  scorched  cook-maid,  he  aims 
alike  his  unerring  shaft,  and  brings  all  again  to  the  dust, 
from  whence  they  were  taken,  to  rot  in  their  original 
equality. 

Fastosus.  There  is  another  race,  which  we  distinguish 
by  the  name  of  mongrels,  with  whom  1  am  deeply  con- 
cerned. This  generation  of  half-bred  gentry  includes 
tradesmen,  the  gentlemen  of  the  law  and  of  the  faculty, 
together  with  the  farmers.  These  gentry  consider  them- 
selves pretty  near,  if  not  altogether,  on  a  level  with  the 
country  'squire,  and  therefore  aftect  the  manners  of 
their  superiors  as  much  as  possible.  They  are  gentle- 
men, their  wives  are  ladies  and  madams,  their  children 
masters  and  misses.  Hundreds  of  such  gentlemen  and 
ladies  have  I  known,  uho  could  not  boast  that  any  of 
their  ancestors,  back  to  the  tenth  generation,  were  pro- 
prietors of  so  much  as  a  cottage  with  a  cabbage.  Yet 
they  imperiously  assume  a  title  of  address  equal  to  that 
of  the  queen's  majesty;  and  no  labourer  or  mechanic 
must  dare  to  approach  them  without  a  sir  or  madam  in  his 
mouth. 

IxFiDELis.  I  have  sometimes  thought  those  ladies  you 
speak  of  are  either  ashamed  of  their  given  names,  or  hold 
them  too  sacred  for  the  profane  mouths  of  servants  and 
vulgar  creatures;  and  indeed  he  would  be  deemed  the 
most  unmannerly  wretch  that  ever  trod  upon  English 
ground  who  should  say  that  Sarah  Allgood  is  his  mistress; 
for  Sarah  must  give  place  to  madam,  and  she  is  now  ma- 
dam Allgood,  the  shopkeeper's  lady;  and  it  would  be  more 
than  her  place  is  v/orth  for  a  servant  to  name  her  mistress 
in  terms  less  respectable. 

AvARo.  Excuse  me,  gentlemen,  you  know  I  love  to  be 
concerting  schemes  of  profit,  and  here  is  one  ready  pro- 
jected, which,  if  faithfully  executed,  would  either  fill  the 
exchequer,  or  make  a  distinction  betwixt  persons  of  real 
quality  and  tlieir  apes  in  middle  life. 
15 


170  DIALOGUES 

Fastosus.  What  is  your  scheme,  cousin?  Let  us  hear 
it,  if  feasible. 

AvARO.  I  would  advise  the  nobility,  gentry,  &.c.  never 
to  go  to  a  horse-course,  cock-pit,  or  play-house;  not  to 
go  to  Bath  nor  a  bawdy-house;  that  is  to  say,  never  to 
rest  until  they  have  procured  a  bill,  in  which  it  shall  bo 
enacted,  that  every  man  shall  pay  the  sum  of  ten  pounds 
sterling  per  annum  who  suffers  his  wife  to  assume  the 
name  of  madam.  I  would  likewise  have  a  tax  of  half 
the  value  laid  upon  every  young  master  and  miss,  the 
farmers,  apothecaries,  attornies,  and  tradesmen's  chil- 
dred,  unless  the  husband  or  father  can  make  it  appear 
that  his  annual  rent,  clear  of  all  incumbrance,  is  not 
less  than  four  hundred  pounds;  if  so  much,  or  upwards, 
he  should  stand  exempt  from  any  such  penalty,  and 
enjoy  the  fiee  use  of  such  names  of  quality  in  his 
family. 

Infidelis.  Although  it  is  quite  foreign  to  my  purpose 
to  dictate  any  thing  to  mankind  which  may  be  of  service 
to  them,  I  am  free  among  ourselves  to  say  that  my  son'a 
scheme  is  well  concerted,  and  might  answer  valuable 
purposes,  were  it  carried  into  execution.  The  numer- 
ous bankruptcies,  which  make  trade  so  precarious  in 
England,  have  their  spring  in  this  fatal  imitation  of 
people  of  quality,  so  prevalent  among  tradesmen. — 
Could  this  so  very  pernicious  practice  by  any  means 
be  suppressed,  the  industrious  merchant  and  manufac- 
turer would  meet  with  fewer  losses  by  their  retailing 
customers. 

To  your  scheme,  however,  I  would  add  another  tax, 
equally  necessary,  and  that  is,  upon  every  play-house, 
assembly-room,  and  place  of  pleasurable  resort.  One 
fifth,  at  least,  of  e\  ery  ticket  to  Almack's,  Ranelagh,  every 
play-house.  Comely 's,  Sadler's  Wells,  the  Pantheon,  and 
every  rout  whatever,  ought  to  be  sacred  to  government. 
Until  this,  or  some  such  thing  is  done,  it  will  be  difficult 
for  the  sensible  English  to  believe  that  their  gorernora 
aim  at  any  thing  beyond  their  own  emolument.  As  for 
the  tax  upon  (madam)  it  appears  indispensably  necessary, 
and  can  admit  of  no  delay.  However,  we  interrupt  yod, 
Fastosus. 
FASTOiua.  I  have  a  great  deal  of  pleasure  in  stirring 


OF  DEVILS.  171 

up  people  to  quarrel  with  their  Maker,  and  to  saj  unto 
him,  ''Why  hast  thou  made  me  thus?  I  love  not  the 
station  thou  hast  placed  me  inj  I  have  got  parts  to  qualify 
me  for  a  better  than  this  in  which  thou  hast  placed  me; 
therefore  I  am  not  dealt  with  according  to  mj  merit." 
The  poor  labourer,  who,  by  the  way,  is  the  most  happy 
and  contented  of  his  species,  is  not  altogether  pleased 
because  he  was  not  born  a  gentleman,  and  heir  to  a  good 
estate.  The  'squire  and  his  lady  are  almost  mad  with 
anger  because  they  were  not  descended  of  noble  ances- 
tors. The  nobleman  himself  takes  it  very  unkind  that 
he  was  not  born  to  govern  a  kingdom.  He  that  is  born 
heir  to  a  crown  hath  two  things  at  which  he  is  much  of- 
fended: First,  because  the  Almighty  is  so  long  in  taking 
the  father  to  himself,  to  facilitate  his  own  accession  to  the 
throne:  Secondly,  he  is  not  well  pleased,  because  it  is  a 
regal,  and  not  an  imperial  crown,  to  which  he  is  born  heir. 
As  for  the  man  who  is  born  to  imperial  dignity,  he  is 
angry  because  he  is  not  appointed  lord  of  the  whole 
world.  And  one,  you  know,  who,  having  obtained  the 
sway  of  the  whole  world,  was  angry  with  God  because 
he  had  not  made  two  worlds  for  him  to  govern;  even  so 
angry,  that  he  is  said  to  have  cried  again.  Thus,  in  all 
ranks  and  degrees  of  life,  I  make  people  quarrel  with 
their  Maker. 

Infidelis.  I  have  often  heard  it  remarked,  by  our  in- 
fernal sages,  that  if  the  ambitious  mind  were  to  obtain 
what  it  is  now  in  pursuit  of,  true  contentment  vrould  be 
as  far  different  as  ever;  and  an  Alexander,  v.ho  covets  a 
second  world  to  ravage,  could  he  get  that,  would  want  a 
third,  after  that  a  fourth,  and  so  on,  until  he  had  plun- 
dered the  many  millions  of  worlds  which  God  hath  made. 
Even  then,  were  such  a  thing  possible,  his  ambition 
would  be  as  insatiable  as  ever,  and  his  last  eflbrt  would 
be  the  same  as  that  of  father  Beelzebub's;  I  mean,  he 
would  attempt  to  plunder  the  eternal  throne  itself. 
Thus  they  allege  that  the  lowest  degree  of  ambition  and 
discontent  in  man,  if  the  Almighty  were  continually  to 
gratify  it,  would  ascend  to  the  most  daring  attempt  of 
which  the  infernal  monarch  himself  is  capable.  After 
all,  1  have  observed  that  the  greater  part  of  people  are 
80  far  from  deeming  ambition  to  be  criminal,  that  they 


172  DIALOGUES 

think  a  spice  of  it  is  indispensably  necessary  to  a  man 
of  honour. 

Fastosus.  I  know  it,  brother;  but  that  is  a  striking 
proof  of  the  blindness  to  which  we  have  reduced  the>n. 
Ambition,  discontent,  &c.  reigning  in  any  person,  are  in- 
fallible symptoms  of  a  heart  totally  depraved,  and  alto- 
gether under  my  inlkience.  But  let  them  go  on  to  che- 
rish an  ambitious  spirit,  they  will  ilnd  their  mistake  at 
last.  That  judicious  pagan,  Epictetus,  seems  very  capa- 
ble of  instructing  many  who  are  called  Christians,  and 
who  have  the  advantage  of  the  Bible.  Yes,  Intidelis,  you 
and  1  both  know  that  ambition  is  the  very  vice  which  ruin- 
ed our  black  fraternity:  But  for  it  they  would  have  been 
in  heaven  to  this  day. 

As  some  quarrel  with  their  Maker  on  account  of  their 
situation  in  life,  I  am  equally  successful  in  stirring  up 
others  to  take  offence  at  the  manner  in  which  the  Al- 
mighty hath  formed  their  bodies:  As  to  their  souls,  they 
do  not  regard  them;  indeed  they  seldom  consider  that 
they  have  an  immortal  spirit  belonging  to  them.  If  by 
chance  such  a  thought  as  that  they  have  an  immortal 
soul  should  pass  through  their  minds,  it  gives  them  no 
concern  in  w  hat  position  it  is  found,  because  they  take  it 
for  granted  that  nobody  sees  it.  So  very  inconsiderate 
and  stupid  are  many,  that  one  who  understands  the  lan- 
guage of  hearts,  provided  he  could  delight  in  the  voice  of 
discontent  and  murmuring,  might  meet  with  high  enter- 
tainment amongst  our  people.     For, 

One  young  lady  says,  0!  if  the  Almighty  had  made 
mean  inch  and  half  higher,  then  my  person  would  have 
been  abundantly  more  proper.  Her  neighbour  is  as  ill 
at  ease,  because  she  thinks  the  Creator  has  bestowed 
superfluous  labour  upon  her,  in  giving  her  a  couple  of 
inches  of  redundant  height,  which  she  looks  upon  as  a 
very  considerable  deformity.  Another  says,  Why  d"i(l 
he  make  me  with  round  shoulders?  Might  he  not  as 
ealsily  have  made  them  square?  I  am  ashamed  to  go  into 
company,  because  I  have  not  a  handsome  carriage  of  the 
liead  and  neck.  What  the  back  board  and  girdle  can  do, 
has  been  tried  to  press  in  the  prominent  os  humeri;  but 
sad  experience  teaches,  that  she  may  as  soon  wash  the 
Ethiopian  white,  as  make  that  even  which  the  Almighty 


OF  DEVILS.  ir3 

hath  made  crooked.     Nor  less  afflicted  is  her  kinswoman, 
on  account  of  the  yellowness  of  her  skin. 

AvARo.  1  have  heard  several  people  of  allowed  know- 
ledge modestly  wish  that  all  court  ladies  laboured  under 
the  same  misfortune  the  last  unhappy  gentlewoman  does; 
being  persuaded  that  if  it  were  so,  naked  breasts  would 
never  more  be  brought  into  fashion,  to  the  annoyance  of 
the  gentlemen,  and  the  scandal  of  the  ladies:  For  you 
know  fashions  are  all  born  at  court. 

Fastosus.  Not  at  the  court  of  London,  Avaro,  but 
Versailles:  therefore  it  would  indicate  better  sense  in 
your  knowing  people  to  wish  the  French  ladies  the  abov« 
misfortune.  It  is  held  an  act  of  high  treason  against  the 
French  for  the  English  court  to  receive  any  fashion 
which  hath  not  had  a  certificate  from  Versailles.  This 
policy  seems  indeed  very  mysterious,  when  we  consider 
that  the  British  heroes  can  so  effectually  drub  the  mon- 
sieurs,  as  to  make  them  cry  peccccvi.  and  at  the  same  time 
the  French  ladies  should  have  the  English  in  such  abso- 
lute subjection. 

It  is  impossible  for  any  person  to  conceive  the  trouble 
I  have  in  preparing  those  ladies  for  the  ball,  or  assembly, 
or  pantheon,  and  what  art  I  am  obliged  to  employ  in 
hiding  their  supposed  defects  and  redundancies.  The 
lady  who  fancies  her  stature  to  be  somev.hat  too  low, 
obliges  me  to  add  to  it  the  whole  length  of  a  super-tall 
pair  of  wooden  heels,  and  is  extremely  careful  to  set  off 
her  little  body  to  all  advantage  possible,  so  that  every  be- 
holder must  be  struck  with  the  perfect  gentility  of  her 
appearance.  On  the  other  hand,  her  neighbour,  who  is 
over-tall,  is  as  careful,  on  her  part,  to  have  the  flattest 
heels  that  can  be  worn,  and  is  equally  industrious  in 
decking  to  the  best  advantage  the  whole  of  her  extrava- 
gant height. 

Nor  hath  their  neighbour,  who  is  affected  with  a  dun,  or 
yellow  skin,  less  trouble  and  anxiety  of  mind,  besides  her 
great  toil  of  body.  The  waste  she  makes  of  wash-balls, 
and  the  best  recommended  cosmetics,  together  with  her 
own,  and  her  servants'  labour,  in  endeavouring  to  rub  off 
the  native  tinct,  is  not  to  be  conceived.  But,  alas  1  it  is 
labour  in  vain.  All  the  comfort  v.  hich  remains  for  her  is 
derived  from  a  black  necklace,  assisted  by  two  or  three 
well  disposed  patches,  which  she  hopes  may,  in  some 
lo  * 


174  DIALOGUES 

measure,  overcloud  the  hated  yellowness  of  the  adjacent 
parts. 

So  absolutely  foolish  are  they,  that  I  have  some  sub- 
jects who  say,  '*  Ah  me,  why  were  my  ankles  made  so 
strong  and  fleshy?  0  that  they  had  been  slender  and  gen- 
teel, then  I  should  not  have  been  thus  dependent  on  the 
mantuamaker  for  a  covering  for  them."  However,  gen- 
tlemen, were  it  not  a  rule  established  among  the  fair  sex, 
that  ankles  somewhat  gross  are  altogether  ungenteel,  it 
would  puzzle  a  philosopher  to  determine  how  it  is  that 
small  feet  and  slender  ankles  come  to  have  more  virtue 
and  real  worth  in  them  than  those  that  are  otherwise. 
But  certainly  it  is  deemed  to  be  so;  and  those  imperious 
dames  who  have  been  favoured  to  their  liking,  do  what 
they  can  to  mortify  those  who  are  less  happy  in  their 
pedestals.  Against  this  disease  there  is  no  effectual  re- 
medy. Small  sized  shoes  formerly  gave  them  great  hopes 
of  relief  5  but,  alasl  they  generally  made  cripples  of  their 
wearers. 

Infideli?.  I  have  always  observed,  that  v;hen  people 
have  applied  to  the  artist,  to  have  that  mended  which 
they  think  the  Almighty  hath  marred,  the  punishment  is 
connected  with  the  crime,  as  a  token  of  the  just  resent- 
ment of  a  jealous  God,  who  hath  left  none  of  his  works 
imperfect;  and  v/lio  would  have  them  all,  as  indeed 
they  ought  to  be,  well  esteemed.  Hence  come  corns 
upon  the  feet,  and  far  greater  unevenness  in  the  sym- 
metry of  the  body,  than  was  before  their  application  to 
the  mechanic. 

Fastosus.  Another  of  my  disciples  has  got  hair  of  a 
madder  red,  and  such  is  her  folly,  that  it  grieves  her 
beyond  measure.  But,  with  all  my  wisdom,  I  could 
never  find  out  the  reason  why  red  hair  should  be  any- 
more scandalous  than  yellow  or  flaxen  locks:  Or  how  it 
is  that  scarlet  is  held  to  be  such  a  courtly  colour  upon 
broadcloth,  and  yet  so  scandalous  for  a  lady  to  have  her 
head  of  scarlet  colour.  But  the  lady  herself  is  so  ap- 
prehensive of  the  scandal,  that  she  is  obliged  to  ex- 
change her  native  locks  with  a  neighbouring  barber 
for  a  set  of  flaxen  false  curls.  These,  she  flatters  her- 
self, will  very  well  become  the  native  fairness  of  her 
skin. 

Perhaps,  indeed,  to  spare  the  natural  crop,  she  may 


OF  DEVILS.  175 

blind  the  eyes  of  beholders  with  powder,  which  may  help 
to  conceal  the  awful  secret.  The  like  expedient  is  used 
by  women  of  a  coquettish  disposition,  when  to  their 
great  grief  and  inconsolable  sorrow,  thej  first  perceive 
old  age  dying  a  whiteness  upon  their  temples.  In  order 
to  prevent  the  world  having  any  suspicion  that  she  is 
advanced  in  years,  the  coquette  procures  a  defence 
against  the  hoary  hairsj  and  thus  she  keeps  herself, 
as  much  as  possible,  from  the  belief  that  she  is  grow- 
ing old,  until  the  detested  wrinkles  on  her  forehead  be- 
tray the  fatal  secret,  and  then  she  declines  faster  than 
other  women,  because  her  grief  gives  swiftness  to  her 
decay.  Another  lady  is  exceedingly  grieved,  every 
time  she  looks  in  her  glass,  because,  as  she  thinks,  her 
face  is  too  much  upon  the  fire  to  be  deemed  lovely; 
but  she  comforts  herself  with  the  reflection  that  she 
has  good  features,  and  the  great  artist,  when  he  finish- 
ed her,  has  left  a  dimple  in  her  chin.  On  the  other 
hand,  her  cousin  beholds  a  system  of  agreeable  fea- 
tures in  her  own  countenance:  But  oh!  the  dejection 
of  her  heart,  on  recollecting  the  paleness  of  her  lips. 
To  supply  the  defects  of  nature  in  this,  before  she  goes 
abroad,  she  has  recourse  to  her  pencil  and  vermilion 
shell.  Thus  she  has  some  'means  of  comfort  within  her 
power;  but  her  poor  sister,  who  is  seamed  with  the 
small-pox,  is  quite  inconsolable.  If  at  any  time  she 
expresses  satisfaction  it  is  in  speaking  of  the  former 
agreeableness  of  her  features,  and  fairness  of  her  skin. 
But  alas  I  her  joy  is  presently  clouded  with  the  melan- 
choly consideration,  they  are  forever  gone.  Some  la- 
dies are  highly  offended,  because  their  hands  are  so  big, 
others  that  their  fingers  are  too  short;  and  now  and 
then  you  may  meet  with  one  who  is  dreadfully  tor- 
mented underneath  a  king  Richard  back;  which  is  sure 
to  prove  an  intolerable  burthen  all  the  life  of  the  unhap- 
py woman. 

Infidelis.  Nothing  more  fully  demonstrates  our  do- 
minion in  the  hearts  of  mankind,  than  their  being  asham- 
ed of  their  shapes  and  physiognomy;  the  supposed  de- 
formity of  which,  they  could  by  no  means  have  pre- 
vented. Every  degree  of  this  kind  of  shame,  is  a  tacit 
reproach  of  the  Creator,  and  therefore  daringly  impi- 
ous.    Many  you  may  find,  ashamed  of  the  innocent  de- 


176  DIALOGUES 

fects  of  their  outward  frame,  who  are  not  in  the  least 
ashamed  of  their  vain  lives  and  immoral  conversations; 
to  rectify  which  ought  to  be  their  principal  concern. 
And  were  there  but  as  much  pains  taken  to  rectify  the 
disorders  of  civil  life,  as  there  are  to  hide  the  supposed 
defects  and  redundancies  of  the  body,  and  to  alter  the 
tincture  of  the  skin,  the  world  would  be  very  ditfereat 
from  .what  it  is.  But  you  take  care  to  prevent  that,  Im- 
piator. 

DiscoRDAKS.  One  who  has  made  mankind  no  part  of 
his  study,  would  deem  it  impossible  for  rational  beings 
to  be  ashamed  of,  and  concerned  for  innocent  deformi- 
ties of  the  body,  -with  which  no  person  of  common  sense 
will  ever  upbraid  them,  and  which  never  can  by  any  means 
lessen  the  esteem  of  the  judicious;  (for  v/ho  can  make 
that  straight  wJiich  the  Almighty  hath  made  crooked,  or 
white  v/hich  he  hath  made  brown?)  and  at  the  same  time 
neglect  the  infinitely  more  valuable  mind. 

Lnfidklis.  By  your  account,  sir,  your  vassals  have 
2;ot  a  wrong  notion  of  beauty,  as  by  our  long  observation 
it  appears,  we  may  sometimes  see  a  great  deal  of  beauty 
in  a  person  whose  bodily  parts  no  way  tend  to  recom- 
mend him.  Real  beauty  lies  in  the  constitution  of  the 
mind  and  the  proper  use  of  its  intellectual  faculties:  Eve- 
ry thing  else  compared  with  this  is  like  tinsel  when  com- 
pared with  the  purest  gold. 

That  person  appears  truly  amiable,  without  external 
comeliness,  who  can  bear  the  lack  of  it  with  becom- 
ing grace;  and  who,  to  make  up  for  all  outward  de- 
fects, is  studious  to  embellish  the  immortal  mind. 
That  is  a  part  of  man  always  capable  of  improve- 
ment; but  for  the  body,  they  may  fret,  murmur,  and  re- 
pine at  its  defects  as  much  as  they  will,  they  plainly 
see  it  does  not  mend  the  matter;  for  who  by  taking  thought 
can  add  one  cubit  to  his  stature,  or  make  one  hair  whi- 
ter or  blacker? 

Fastosus.  Such  is  my  dominion  now;  nor  was  it  less 
in  the  more  early  ages.  I  made  rude  work  in  the  tents 
of  Jacob,  between  his  two  wives  and  among  his  sons;  and 
by  those  means  1  greatly  disturbed  them  whom  I  could  not 
destroy. 

LwiDio.  I  have,  until  now  been  silent;  bat  beg  leave 
to  observe,  that  I  think  our  labour  is  far  from  being  lost. — 


OF  DEVILS.  177 

Seeing,  though  we  are  permitted  to  destroy  none  who  are 
good  and  virtuous,  we  have  the  pleasure  of  distressing 
and  distracting  them.  And  certainly  no  music  can  be  so 
agreeable  to  our  ears,  as  the  sighs  and  groans  of  our  ene- 
mies.— There  is  something  so  agreeable  in  the  destruction 
of  infidels,  and  distracting  the  rest  of  mankind,  that  I  have 
often  heard  our  father  Beelzebub  say,  he  would  rather 
asgravate  his  own  torment  a  thousand  degrees  than  be 
robbed  of  that  pleasure.  His  and  our  happiness  lies  chief- 
ly in  distressing  mankind,  especially  the  virtuous  and 
good,  notwithstanding  he  overheard  Immanuel,  when  he 
said,  "  I  give  unto  them  eternal  life,  and  none  shall  pluck 
them  out  of  my  hands." 

Ataro.  One  would  wonder  it  did  not  wholly  discourage 
hira  from  making  further  attempts  against  such  people, 
especially  if  what  I  have  heard  is  true;  I  mean  that  every 
affliction  which  they  endure  by  his  means,  will  be  an  ag- 
gravationto  his  own  misery.  But  his  hatred  against  them 
is  implacable. 

Fastosus.  It  is  not  altogether  his  hatred  and  malice 
against  them,  which  excite  him  to  persecute  them  with 
such  unwearied  diligence:  but  it  happened  on  a  time,  that 
Beelzebub  was  by,  when  one  of  the  heavenly  heralds  de- 
clared, "That  in  all  the  afflictions  of  his  people,  Imman- 
uel himself  is  afflicted."  And  at  another  time  he  heard 
another  say,  "That  Immanuel  is  touciied  with  a  sense  of 
human  infirmities."  Nay,  then  said  he  to  himself,  they 
shall  not  want  for  afflictions,  if  I  should  endure  a  thousand 
hells.  It  will  be  a  heaven  of  delight  to  me,  to  see  my 
fiery  darts  bound  off  from  the  persons  to  whom  they  are 
shot,  and  strike  him  whom  I  have  in  the  most  perfect  ab- 
horrence. So  that  it  is  Immanuel  himself,  rather  than 
those  who  believe  in  him,  at  whom  Satan  is  so  much  en- 
raged. 

To  return  to  my  story.  By  my  means  the  knot  of  sis- 
terhood between  Rachel  and  Leah  v/as  disunited,  and 
friendship  and  love  fled  to  a  distance  far  remote  from 
their  tents.  But  this  was  not  the  finishing  stroke  of  my 
artifice;  for  when  one  generation  passed  away,  you  might 
always  be  sure  to  find  me  with  those  who  made  their 
appearance  next  upon  the  stage  of  action.  Hence  I  was 
found  with  the  sons  of  Jacob,  and  made  them  perpetrate 
deeds,  very  unworthy  of  the  patriarchal  character,  and 


irS  DIALOGUES 

that  even  in  the  lifetime  of  their  father.  The  destruc* 
tion  of  the  Hivites,  bj  the  sword  of  Simeon  and  Levi, 
in  revenge  of  Shechem's  rape  on  their  sister  Dinah,  was 
wholly  by  my  instigation.  They  grieved,  and  that  just- 
ly; but  pride  alone  called  up  the  demons  of  Revenge 
and  Cruelty,  who  drenched  themselves  in  Canaaiiitish 
blood. 

When  Joseph  dreamed  of  his  future  advancement,  I 
prevailed  with  his  brethren  to  hate  him,  and  gave  admis- 
sion to  every  baleful  demon;  under  whose  influence,  even 
at  the  hazard  of  their  father's  life,  they  sold  him  into 
Egypt.  There  I  stirred  up  Sabrina,  the  wife  of  Poti^har, 
to  revenge  her  slighted  charms  upon  him;  Joseph  himself 
to  swear  by  the  life  of  Pharo,  and  to  carry  it  very  strange- 
ly to  his  brethren,  in  the  time  of  their  affliction,  notwith- 
standing he  himself  had  seen  such  wonders  of  Divine  Pro- 
vidence, as  mentioned  by  the  writer  of  his  life.  Just  it 
was  that  his  brethren  should  have  been  afflicted  for  their 
former  perfidy  and  baseness;  but  Joseph  could  never 
have  been  persuaded  to  be  instrumental  therein,  but  by 
my  instigation. 

Impiator.  I  am  surprised,  sir,  you  should  select  the 
history  of  those  reputed  the  best  of  men,  for  exemplify- 
ing your  dominion;  whereas  you  make  no  mention  of 
Ham,  Ishmael,  Esau,  &c.  I  thought  your  dominion  over 
them  was  more  full  than  over  the  other. 

Fastosus.  I  mentioned  the  best  on  purpose  to  save 
myself  trouble,  couvsin.  For  when  you  hear  my  power 
over  them,  you  will  easily  conceive  that  my  dominion  over 
the  rest  of  mankind  must  be  absolute.  1  might,  indeed, 
do  myself  honour  by  telling  you  of  the  part  1  had  in  the 
lewdness  of  Ham,  the  despite  of  Ishmael,  Esau's  revenge, 
&c.  &c.  but  as  I  understand  it  all  implied  in  the  present 
plan  of  my  narrative.  Indeed  it  would  be  endless  to  tell 
you  of  even  a  thousandth  part  of  my  achievements;  and  I 
am  persuaded  it  is  more  agreeable  to  you  to  hear  of  my 
occasional  prevalence  over  the  virtuous,  than  to  have  a 
full  display  of  my  uninterrupted  dominion  over  the  infi- 
del part  of  mankind,  without  it. 

Yet  it  may  not  be  amiss,  by  way  of  specimen,  to  give 
you  one  instance  of  my  influence  over  infidels  in  general. 
Amongst  the  millions  I  might  adduce,  I  shall  refer  you  to 
Basuris  Pharaoh,  king  of  Egypt,  in  the  days  of  Moses  and 


OF  DEVILS.  179 

Aaron.  Notwithstanding  the  mighty  signs  and  wonders 
^hich  God  wrought  by  the  hands  of  his  Hebrew  servants, 
he  was  absolutely  under  my  dominion,  that  he  hardened 
himself  against  the  Almighty,  disregarded  the  voice  of 
his  prophets,  and  would  not  suffer  the  people  to  go  into 
the  wilderness  to  worship.  Moses  and  Aaron  wrought 
works  unprecedented  in  the  presence  of  the  king  and 
his  nobles j  but  I  persuaded  him  that  the  whole  was  ef- 
fected by  the  power  of  magic,  and  that  Jannes  and  Jam- 
bres,  his  own  enchanters,  could  do  the  same,  were  they 
called  to  it. 

I  had  such  possession  of  his  heart,  before  any  miracles 
were  wrought,  that  he  thought  himself  inferior  to  no  be- 
ing whatever,  and  scorned  subjection  even  to  the  Al- 
m^hty.  Pharaoh's  magicians,  in  divers  instances,  by  a 
divine  permission,  imitating  the  wonders  wrought  by 
Moses  and  Aaron,  he  persuaded  himself  that  he  was  at 
least  equal  to  that  God  who  sent  them,  and  in  the  most 
haughty  disdain  he  said,  '•  Who  is  the  Lord,  that  1  should 
obey  himr" 

You  have  all  heard  that  no  man  hath  hardened  him- 
self against  God  at  any  time,  and  hath  prospered:  Nor 
did  he  prosper.  I  hardened  his  heart  against  every  di- 
vine injunction,  until  the  God  of  the  Hebrews  utterly 
confounded  the  Memphian  magicians,  and  made  the 
haughty  monarch,  not  only  willing  to  let  the  people  go, 
but  eager  to  thrust  them  out  of  the  land.  However, 
they  had  not  travelled  very  far,  before  Pharaoh,  being  a 
little  recovered  from  his  consternation,  was  induced  by 
me  to  pursue  and  oblige  them  to  return  to  their  drud- 
gery, alleging  the  great  loss  which  both  his  majesty  and. 
the  Egyptian  monarchy  would  sustain,  by  the  depar- 
ture of  such  a  number  of  vigorous  slaves.  Pursuant 
to  this  purpose,  he  mustered  his  chariots  and  horse- 
men, all  the  Egyptian  chivalry,  pursued  the  fugitives, 
by  dint  of  sword  to  compel  them  to  their  spades  and 
wheelbarrows.  Every  one  must  praise  my  noble  in- 
tentions; for  I  designed  that  both  hosts  should  have 
perished,  the  one  by  the  sword  of  the  Egyptians,  and  the 
other  by  the  thunderbolts  of  heaven.  1  conjectured  up- 
on good  ground,  that  if  Pharaoh  destroyed  the  Hebrewi, 
the  Almighty  would  avenge  their  blood  upon  him  and  hii 
kingdom. 


180  DIALOGUES 

The  host  of  Pharaoh  overtook  the  Hebrews  near  Pi- 
ha-hiroth,  where  the  raging  ocean  met  them  in  the  front, 
and  a  vast  ridge  of  impassable  mountains  enclosed  them 
on  either  hand:  *' Glory  be  on  me!  cried  the  exulting 
monarch.  See  how  mj  hapr)j  stars  have  hemmed  in  the 
fugitives!  Now  shall  they  either  return  to  their  servi- 
tude, or  perish  on  the  points  of  Egyptian  swords;  and 
Pharaoh  shall  no  more  be  upbraided  with  a  God  greater 
than  himself.*'  But  Pharaoh's  boastings  were  premature; 
his  hopes  were  blasted  before  they  were  full  blown:  For 
it  came  to  pass,  that  the  Almighty  took  the  cause  of  his 
people  into  his  own  hands,  wrought  salvation  for  them, 
and  with  an  high  hand  destroyed  him  and  all  the  Egyp- 
tian chivalry. 

Business  calls  me  hence,  gentlemen.  I  hold  it  good 
that  we  adjourn  until  to-muirow. 


DIALOGUE    XIII. 


ALL  THE  DL\LOGEANS  PRESENT. 

AvARo.  Indeed,  gentlemen,  what  I  tell  you  is  true, 
you  cannot  conceive  how  much  I  am  caressed  by  the  gro- 
velling slaves. 

Fastosus.  Do  not  boast,  cousin,  nor  let  it  once  enter 
your  mind,  that  your  reception  amongst  mankind  is  more 
cordial  and  hearty  than  mine;  for  where  there  is  one  per- 
son who  prostitutes  himself  to  the  devil  Avaro,  there  are 
at  least  twenty  who  fall  down  at  the  shrine  of  the  adored 
Fastosus;  though  I  will  still  own  your  craftiness  has  sub- 
dued not  a  few  to  your  grovelling  sway. 

AvARo.  Not  a  few,  indeed!  Every  nation  furnisheth 
its  quota,  to  make  up  the  number  of  my  abject  slaves, 
who  adore  me  under  feigned  names,  suitably  adapted 
to  the  genius  of  each  country.  For  instance,  in  Holland, 
1  am  called  Mynheer  Industry;  in  France,  Monsieur 
Prudence;  in  Spain,  I  bear  the  name  of  Don  Diligence; 


OF  DEVILS.  181 

lii  Austria  and  Russia,  as  also  at  the  Hao;ue,  I  am  known 
bj  the  name  of  Good  Policy;  and  in  Great  Britain  and 
her  colonies  I  am  called  Mister  Care,  alias  Mr.  Frugali- 
ty; but  my  true  name  being  rightly  translated  uill  read 
Covetousness. 

Great  advantages  arise  to  us  from  the  concealment 
of  our  proper  names.  The  word  covetousness,  you 
know,  is  of  such  a  true  brimstone  colour,  that  unless 
1  had  some  method  of  disguising  it,  I  could  get  but 
few  adorers  in  comparison  of  what  I  have.  There  are 
thousands  who  delight  to  keep  me  under  their  roofs, 
by  the  feigned  names  of  Industry  and  Frugality,  who 
would  be  afraid  to  be  seen  in  my  company,  under  the 
name  of  Covetousness.  They  rise  up  early,  sit  up  late, 
they  eat  the  bread  of  carefulness,  can  never  get  enough 
of  work  done  by  their  servants  and  labourers;  they  buy 
as  cheap  and  sell  as  dear  as  they  can,  and  are  forever 
concerting  schemes  of  money-getting;  and  yet  they  are 
not  covetous;  all  the  world  could  not  persuade  them 
that  they  are  the  worshippers  of  the  devil  Avaro. — 
Even  those  whose  morning  and  evening  desires  run  in 
the  following  strain.  *•  \Vhat  shall  I  do  to  get  money.'^ 
How  shall  1  manage  to  keep  what  I  have  got  out 
of  the  reach  of  pilfering  rogues?"  Such  are  their  de- 
sires, and  yet  tiiey  are  not  covetous.  Notwithstand- 
ing their  increase,  they  cannot,  with  pleasure,  assist 
the  needy,  unless  by  so  doing  they  can  serve  them- 
selves; and  yet  they  are  not  covetous.  Such  people  are 
very  apt  to  consider  gain  as  a  proof  of  their  godliness, 
and  it  is  difficult  for  them  to  believe  a  poor  man  is  ho- 
nest. If  his  honesty  is  so  clear  that  they  cannot  deny 
it,  they  will  tacitly  charge  him  with  either  indolence  or 
want  of  economy,  as  they  take  it  for  granted,  any  man 
may  prosper  in  the  world  if  he  will;  and  yet  they  are  not 
covetous. 

Infidelis.  Your  disciples,  Avaro,  it  seems,  have  but 
little  acquaintance  with  that  divine  providence  which  we 
are  constrained  to  confess;  that  providence  which  emp- 
tieth  the  store-house  of  one  and  fills  that  of  another,  ac- 
cording to  the  dictates  of  unerring  wisdom.  But  by  long 
observation,  we  have  learned,  that  the  race  is  not  to  the 
swift,  nor  the  battle  to  the  strong,  but  to  whomsoever 
the  Arbiter  of  the  universe  is  pleased  to  give  the  bles- 

16 


182  DIALOGUES 

sing.  What  most  surpriseth  me  is  to  see  so  many  of 
your  people  among  the  professors  of  religion.  Do  you 
think  they  have  never  heard  that  those  who  love  the 
world,  have  not  the  love  of  the  Father  in  them;  and  that 
friendship  with  the  world  is  enmity  against  God?  Or  do 
they  suppose  themselves  capable  of  serving  both  God  and 
mammon.^ 

AvARo.  With  your  leave,  sir,  such  texts  of  scripture 
are  of  no  weight  with  our  people.  Some  consider  them 
as  interpolations,  others  mistranslated,  others  still  deem 
them  erroneous,  therefore  not  to  be  regarded^  and  all 
agree  that  the  force  of  such  passages  ought  to  be  reason- 
ed away.  Yes,  brother  fiends,  you  may  meet  with  ma- 
ny, who,  if  their  mental  sentiments  may  be  known  by 
their  outward  conduct,  believe  themselves  capable  enough 
of  serving  both  God  and  mammon,  and  that  it  is  very 
consistent  to  love  both  God  and  the  world  at  the  same 
time.  All  the  week  round,  they  are  so  earnestly  engag- 
ed in  pursuing  worldly  advantages,  that  one  would  sup- 
pose, they  had  got  an  assurance  that  for  one  thousand 
years,  at  least,  to  enter  upon,  their  souls  shall  not  be  re- 
quired of  them;  or  indeed  one  would  think  they  believe 
not  a  syllable  of  the  Bible,  or  that  there  is  either  God  or 
devil,  heaven  or  hell.  Yea,  so  ardent  is  their  chase  af- 
ter gold,  they  cannot  spare  so  much  time  as  to  ask  their 
servants  whether  they  intend  for  heaven  or  hell  at  death? 
Whether  they  serve  God  or  the  devil?  Whether  they 
read  the  Bible,  or  idle  plays  and  novels?  AVhether 
they  go  to  the  church  or  ale-house  on  a  Sunday;  or,  in-^ 
deed,  whether  they  are  Pagans  or  Christians,  Papists  or 
Protestants?  And  yet  they  are  good  Christians  them- 
selves, members  of  churches,  and  worshippers  of  the  God 
of  heaven. 

Notwithstanding  their  fervent  zeal  for,  and  unwearied 
diligence  in  the  cause  of  mammon  they  will  not  absent 
themselves  from  church  on  a  Sabbath  day  on  any  conside- 
ration; but,  with  all  sincerity  imaginable,  with  the  devo- 
tion of  one  holiday  wipe  oft'  the  stains  of  the  former  six, 
and  on  Monday  come  forth  ^^fi^sLf^r  the  avaricious 
chase  as  ever.  Thus,  you  see,^l^^!iDjects,  by  their  con- 
duct, plainly  tell  you,  they  believe  it  very  possible  to 
serve  both  God  and  mammon;  and  thus  they  give  the  lie 
to  divine  testimony. 


OF  DEVILS.  183 

It  is  now  as  it  always  was;  many  people  follow  religion 
with  the  same  views  w^ith  those  of  the  loaf  and  the  fish 
followers^  they  take  up  religion  to  procure  a  character 
among  men,  that  it  may  serve  as  a  cloak  for  their  merce- 
nary purposes.  The  person  deemed  religious,  being  ca- 
pable of  executing  avaricious  schemes  with  greater  facili- 
ty and  advantage,  than  the  man  who  is  known  to  be  an 
enemy  to  all  religion. 

Fastosus.  It  seems,  Avaro,  your  money-hunters  can 
adapt  religion  or  any  thing  to  the  great  end  of  getting. 
I  know  thousands  v/ho  woufd  not  attend  the  worship  of 
God  at  all,  if  they  found  not  their  account  in  it.  I  have 
laughed,  many  times,  at  seeing  the  atheist  and  the  deist 
come  to  church  and  receive  the  sacrament,  to  qualify 
them  for  places  of  public  concern.  It  may  safely  be  sup- 
posed, that  men  who  believe  not  the  sacrament  to  be  of 
divine  institution,  have  some  ends,  no  way  religious, 
to  answer,  by  their  receiving  it.  It  is  not  a  little  droll, 
too,  to  see  many,  who,  for  conscience  sake,  dissent  from 
the  church  of  England,  when  they  have  the  prospect  of 
preferment,  come  cordially  to  the  altar  and  receive  the 
consecrated  elements  from  the  parish  priest.  Mortal  man 
could  not  do  more  to  secure  all  the  emoluments  of  both 
church  and  state  to  their  own  party  forever,  than  the  au- 
thors of  the  test  act  did,  and  yet  many  dissenters  play 
the  devil  in  cheating  them.  It  must  be  a  close  hedge 
indeed,  in  which  some  people  will  not  find  a  hole  to  creep 
through. 

Impiator.  Ay,  uncle,  and  it  is  every  whit  as  droll 
to  see  many  of  my  subjects,  who  never  attend  at  church, 
except  upon  those  occasions;  men  who  spend  their 
whole  time  in  drinking,  gaming,  and  whoring,  admit- 
ted to  the  table  of  the  Lord,  to  serve  a  turn  in  poli- 
tics, contrary  to  every  rule,  divine  and  human;  and 
yet  these  men  commence  the  pillars  and  governors  of 
the  church,  without  coming  near  its  assemblies  on 
other  occasions.  These  things  make  amazingly  for  our' 
interest. 

IxFiDELis.  Not  many  days  since,  your  son  Discordans 
gave  us  a  most  agreeable  account  of  some  of  his  opera- 
tions, by  the  instrumentality  of  Prejudice  and  False-Rea- 
soning. I  should  be  glad,  my  nephew,  if  you  will  be 
pleased  to  go  on  with  your  story. 


184  DIALOGUES 

DisooRDANS.  I  have  no  objection,  sir,  if  my  honoured 
parent  will  be  pleased  to  permit.  But  Discordans  can- 
not so  much  as  breathe,  without  the  instigation  of  great 
Fastosus. 

Fastosus.  You  do  me  great  honor,  my  son,  and 
have  my  permission  to  proceed:  But  as  I  have  ur- 
gent business  in  hand,  and  am  already  acquainted  with 
your  story,  I  shall  leave  you  for  the  present,  and  meet 
you  here  to-morrow.  Darkness  and  confusion  attend 
you  all. 

Discordans.  This  same  glass,  False-Eeasoning,  is 
the  mirror  in  which  the  Jewish  clergy,  doctors  of  law, 
scribes,  and  pharisees,  tried  the  doctrines  and  actions  of 
Immanuel  and  all  his  followers.  By  these  means  they 
were  fatally  deceived,  and  led  to  reject  the  counsel  of 
God  against  themselves;  yea,  hardened  to  that  degree, 
as  to  say,  the  light  which  enlighteneth  every  man  that 
Cometh  into  the  world,  is  absolutely  darkness,  and  to 
charge  the  Maker  of  a!i  things  with  being  a  magician? 
even  to  put  forth  their  sanguinary  hands,  and  murder  the 
Lord  of  life. 

You  may  think  I  was  closely  employed  in  those  days, 
as  there  was  not  a  pharisee  in  the  whole  world,  whom  I 
had  not  furnished  v/ith  an  inverting  mirror  and  telescope. 
By  these  means  they  became  quite  enamoured  with  their 
own  supposed  virtue,  and  held  all  bes^ides  themselves  to 
be  accursed;  that  is  to  say,  heretics,  because  they  knev#' 
not  the  law;  that  is,  they  did  not  measure  length  and 
breadth,  exactlj^  according  to  the  standard  of  orthodoxy, 
which  in  all  ages  has  been  the  traditions  of  the  elders, 
and  not  the  scriptures  of  truth,  as  some  have  erroneous- 
ly asserted. 

Impia-Tor.  Hold,  cousin,  there  I  think  you  must  be 
wrong;  for  I  myself  was  wont  to  hear  Immanuel,  (who 
you  know  could  not  lie)  refer  his  hearers  to  the  scripture 
for  the  resolution  of  all  doubts. 

DrscoRDAxs.  That  is  nothing  at  all  to  the  purpose, 
cousin.  I  readily  grant,  and  none  can  honestly  deny 
it,  that  the  scripture  is  the  standard  of  truth;  but  truth 
and  orthodoxy  are  two  things,  very  different,  and  some- 
times diametrically  opposite  to  one  another.  Bible  doc- 
trine is  the  same  in  all  ages  and  nations;  but  ortho- 
doxy in  one  nation  differs  at  least  as  much  from  ortho- 


OF  DEVILS.  185 

doxy  in  another  nation,  as  the  several  climates  do  from 
one'  another.  To  go  no  farther  than  Britain,  you  see 
what  is  south  of  the  Tweed  accounted  the  purest  reli- 
gion in  the  world,  is,  upon  travelling  farther  towards 
the  pole,  deemed  corrupt,  superstitious,  and  antichris- 
tian.  So  it  is  vice  versa.  Moreover,  what  has  been  or- 
thodox and  apostolic  in  one  age,  has  had  the  misfortune 
to  become  quite  heterodox  and  damnable  in  the  next; 
so  that  there  is  no  certain  standard  of  orthodoxy  in  any 
nation:  But  truth  is  always  the  same,  and  knows  no 
standard  but  one. 

Indeed  the  synod  of  Dort,  and  the  reformers  of  the 
English  church,  have  done  what  mortal  men  could  do  to 
fix  an  everlasting  standard  of  orthodoxy  by  tying  all  fu- 
ture professors  to  subscribe  their  traditions.  But  even 
that  is  insufficient.  For,  by  the  help  of  mental  reserva- 
tion, many  subscribe  contrary  to  their  real  belief;  and 
others,  who  have  not  that  address,  even  go  without  a 
benefice,  let  them  believe  the  Bible  ever  so  piously. 
Yea,  I  have  known  many  deemed  heretics,  and  burned 
at  a  stake,  merely  for  believing  the  Bible.  Orthodox  pa- 
pists, orthodox  episcopalians,  orthodox  presbyterians,  and 
orthodox  congregationalists,  have  all  had  the  honour  of 
putting  people  to  death  for  their  want  of  orthodoxy;  that 
is.  because  they  were  daring  enough  to  think  for  them- 
selves, contrary  to  the  known  maxims  of  the  orthodox 
priests  in  every  age.  You  know,  it  is  observable,  that  the 
orthodox  are  condescending  enough  to  suffer  other  people 
to  have  thought  for  them. 

Impiator.  AVhat  cousin,  has  any  sect  of  Christians, 
besides  our  friends  the  papists,  been  found  to  persecute 
those  who  differed  from  them.'^ 

DiscoRDAxs.  Yes,  cousin,  every  sect  who  has  at  any 
time  been  happy  enough  to  grasp  the  reins  of  govern- 
ment for  the  time  being.  The  worthy  papists  bore  the 
bell  of  orthodoxy  for  the  space  of  twelve  hundred  and 
sixty  years,  during  which  time  much  blood  was  shed  by 
open  massacres,  secret  assassinations,  pretended  judica- 
tures, acts  of  bloody  faith;  and,  at  last,  to  finish  the 
bloody  reign  of  antichrist,  England,  France,  the  Nether- 
lands, and  the  valleys  of  Piedmont  swam  with  the  gore 
of  such  who  would  believe  the  Bible  sooner  than  the 
voice  of  the  priests.  Queen  Mary's  reign  furnished  the 
16* 


186  DIALOGUES 

orthodox  in  her  day,  with  a  fine  opportunity  of  discover- 
ing their  zeal  for  the  church,  by  murdering  those  who 
believed  and  obeyed  the  Bible;  but  her  reign  being  short 
and  Elizabeth  ascending  the  throne  upon  her  demise,  the 
other  scale  rose  uppermost;  and  the  protestants  in  their 
turn  became  orthodox;  that  is,  got  the  government  into 
their  hands. 

O  the  violence  of  reputed  orthodoxy!  Those  same 
gentlemen  were  no  sooner  emerged  from  prison  than  they 
also  let  the  world  know  that  they  were  not  to  be  differed 
from  with  impunity;  that  the  formula  of  their  faith  and 
worship  must  be  regarded  with  as  implicit  obedience  as 
that  in  the  former  reign  imposed  by  the  papists.  Now 
the  presbyterians,  independents,  and  other  congregation- 
alists,  felt  the  weight  of  their  rage,  or,  if  you  please, 
zeal  for  orthodoxy,  and  the  good  of  the  church.  Now 
the  prison-keepers,  and  their  friend  Master  Ketch,  had 
pretty  near  as  good  a  run  of  trade  as  in  the  reign  of  Ma- 
ry. And  now  the  wilds  of  America  began  to  be  well  peo- 
pled with  English  protestants  and  oppressed  dissenters; 
and  the  good  episcopalians  at  home,  kept  the  fleece  to 
themselves,  and  had  all  the  good  of  the  church  before 
them.  But  those  said  presbyterians  and  independents 
had  no  sooner  crossed  the  ocean  for  conscience  sake,  and 
found  themselves  secure  from  episcopalian  rage,  than 
they  themselves  commenced  orthodox  and  set  up  their 
own  formula  as  the  standard  of  religion,  to  which  they 
required  as  implicit  submission  from  others  as  the  good 
bishops  of  England  had  ere  while  done  from  themselves: 
and  now  the  poor  anti-pedobaptists  and  quakers  v.ere 
taught,  that  a  mittimus  is  a  mittimus,  whether  it  is  signed 
by  a  papist,  an  episcopalian,  or  a  presbyterian;  and  that 
sentence  oi"  death  is  to  be  dreaded  as  much  from  the 
mouth  of  the  latter  as  of  the  former.  Those  same  dissen- 
ters, who  had  so  lately  found  Old  England  too  hot  fur 
themselves,  by  the  glowing  of  priestly  zeal  for  orthodoxy, 
soon  made  New  England  too  hot  for  the  poor  quakers 
and  anti-pedobaptists;  who,  to  escape  the  rage  for  pres- 
bytery, fled,  the  one  to  Pennsylvania  and  the  other  to 
Rhode-Island,  that  they  might  not  be  compelled  to  wor- 
ship God  according  to  other  people's  consciences,  and 
contrary  to  their  own. 


OF  DEVILS.  187 

Infidelis.  So  then  the  old  spirit  of  calling  down,  fire 
from  heaven  upon  heretics,  or  those  who  walk  in  a  dif- 
ferent way,  it  seems  has  prei'ailed  in  modern  times  as 
well  as  of  yore.  0  what  a  mask  is  that  I  human  rage  in 
the  character  of  godly  zeal!  It  is  wonderful  to  see  peo- 
ple glorifying  the  prince  of  liberty,  but  shutting  their 
brethren  up  in  a  dungeon  for  conscience  sake;  worship- 
ing the  saviour  of  men's  lives  by  putting  people  to  death, 
because  they  will  worship  him  in  a  different  form;  and  it 
is  as  wonderful  that  the  ambassadors  of  peace,  as  they 
call  themselves,  should  be  the  principal  agents  of  this 
violence. 

DiscoRDANS.  But  for  the  ambassadors,  persecution 
had  never  been  known  in  the  world,  sir.  The  laity  have 
so  little  zeal  for  God,  that  they  would,  if  not  instigated 
by  the  clergy,  suffer  men  to  worship  him  according  to 
the  best  understanding  they  have  of  his  mind  revealed 
in  the  Bible.  But  the  ambassadors  are  quite  of  another 
opinion,  for  by  tliem  it  is  determined  that  God  shall  be 
worshipped  in  the  very  mode  by  them  directed,  or  h^ 
shall  not  be  worshipped  at  all,  if  they  can  help  it.  The 
honour  of  persecution,  alias  punishing  of  heretics,  must 
all  be  ascribed  to  the  reverend  ambassadors. 

Impiator.  By  ambassadors,  I  suppose,  cousin,  yol 
mean  popish  priests,  in  contradistinction  from  protestant 
ministers. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  mean  both  papists  and  protestants,  cou- 
sin; and  with  me  it  is  not  very  easy  to  determine  which 
best  deserve  the  honouraole  appellation. 

But  to  return  to  my  story.  I  taught  the  respectable 
Pharisees  in  general  the  use  of  my  instruments,  which, 
as  you  saw  in  the  late  experiment,  perfectly  inverteth 
tvery  object;  and  so,  by  my  prudent  management,  those 
very  people,  held  to  be  the  most  religious  of  the  Jews, 
were  wrought  up  to  such  a  degree  of  self-conceit,  as  to 
fit  them  for  executing  the  will  of  the  devil,  still  suppos- 
ing that  they  were  doing  good  service  to  the  God  of  Is- 
rael. Contemplated  under  the  reflection  of  my  inge- 
nious instruments,  those  Pharisees,  who  were  darkness  it- 
self, considered  themselves  as  angels  of  light,  and  each 
became  so  enamoured  of  his  own  personal  excellencies, 
that  all  who  were  not  of  their  sect  or  persuasion  were 
held  in  the  most  consummate  abhorrence;  as  accursed, 


188  DIALOGUES 

and  ignorant  of  their  traditions,  yea,  even  enemies  to  the 
Almighty. 

They  viewed  Immanuel,  the  brightness  of  the  Father's 
glory,  and  express  image  of  his  person,  by  the  help  of 
my  glasses,  in  which,  to  them,  he  appeared  as  one  come 
from  Beelzebub,  and  performing  miracles  in  the  spirit 
and  power  of  the  great  apostate.  His  immediate  disci- 
ples were,  indeed,  men  of  whom  the  world  was  not 
worthy;  yet,  viewed  by  the  help  of  these  notable  instru- 
ments, they  appeared  as  creatures  the  most  despicable. 
Although  men  of  peaceful  principles,  willing  to  spend 
and  be  spent  for  the  good  of  mankind,  they  were  held  to 
be  enemies  to  the  public  good;  men  who  turned  the 
world  upside  down;  unworthy  of  a  dwelling  in  the 
tents  of  humanity,  and  therefore  thrust  out  of  the  world 
with  violence.  Such  wonderful  works  were  accom- 
plished of  old  by  the  help  of  these  amazing  instru- 
ments, and  still  they  are  perfect  as  ever,  and  fit  for 
operation. 

♦  Even  at  this  day,  v/hen  the  whole  system  of  revealed 
truth  is  examined  by  my  inverting  mirror,  it  is  misap- 
prehended as  cunningly  devised  fables;  a  well  concerted 
system  of  falsehood;  or  a  priestly  imposition  on  the  con- 
sciences and  understanding  of  the  laity.  Yes,  my  feliow 
destroyers,  by  my  wise  government,  many,  who  value 
themselves  as  the  greatest  masters  of  reason,  are  so  abso- 
lutely stupid  as  to  suppose  that  the  eternal  God  has  left 
men  at  large,  without  any  given  law  or  revelation  of  his 
mind,  to  which  their  submission  is  required.  Being  thus 
stupidly  absurd,  you  will  not  wonder  that  the  same  mas- 
ters of  reason  have  been  ingenious  enough  to  find  out 
that  this  world,  unweildy  as  it  is,  was  dexterous  enough 
to  create  itself,  and  possesseth  wisdom  enough  to  be  its 
own  governor. 

IxFiDELis.  By  your  leave,  cousin,  this  last  part  of  your 
account  belongs  to  my  administration.  You  preside  only 
over  dissension  and  division.  I  want  to  hear  some  of 
your  operations  of  this  kind. 

DiscoRDANS.  True,  sir.  But  if  I  preside  over  dissen- 
sions, divisions,  animosities,  &c.  you  know  I  must  be  al- 
lowed to  use  proper  means,  by  which  my  works  are  to  be 
propagated;  for  I  am  not  like  those  human  fools,  who  ex- 
pect the  end  without  using  the  means.     Besides,  sir,  that 


OF  DEVILS.  189 

one  devil  should  assist  another,  is  bj  no  means  against 
the  laws  of  our  fraternity.  If  I,  to  promote  my  belov- 
ed discord,  call  in  the  assistance  of  your  bewildering 
influences;  I  also,  in  a  kind  return,  by  the  divisions 
which  I  foment,  greatly  strengthen  the  slavish  bands  of 
great  infidelity.  Our  interest  being  mutual,  I  hope  the 
worthy  Infidelis,  will  never  grumble  to  lend  me  all  pos- 
sible assistance  in  striving  to  make  this  earth,  as  much 
as  may  be,  to  resemble  the  regions  of  the  damned. 
Moreover,  our  great  prince  and  parent  is  no  way  care- 
ful about  which  of  his  illustrious  family  is  the  instru- 
ment in  damning  a  soul,  so  that  the  work  of  damnation  is 
effected. 

IxriDELis.  I  have  no  objection,  cousin,  to  assist  you, 
or  any  of  our  kindred.  All  I  desire  is,  to  have  due 
notice  taken  of  my  influence.  Our  leading  view  ought 
undoubtedly  to  be  the  destruction  of  men,  in  compli- 
ance with  the  will  of  our  great  ancestor.  But  I  detain 
you. 

DiscoRDAxs.  The  ancient  Pharisees  were  not  the  only 
dupes  I  have  had  in  the  world.  The  great  man  at  Rome, 
the  father  of  the  world,  and  head  of  the  church  of  anti- 
christ, has  been  as  much  my  dupe  as  people  of  less  emi- 
nence, as  I  shall  show  you  in  the  sequel. 

I.vFiDELis.  What,  cousin,  have  you  become  acquaint- 
ed with  my  old  friend?  I  should  like  to  know  how  that 
came  to  pass,  and  what  acquaintance  you  have  with 
him. 

DiEcoRDAx?.  I  accomplished  it  in  the  following  man- 
ner. First  I  presented  his  supreme  holiness  with  a  pair 
of  my  instruments,  of  the  right  Luciferian  construction, 
on  purpose  that  he  might,  by  their  assistance,  try  all  the 
bulls  he  should  publish,  and  all  the  causes  which  should 
come  before  him.  For  it  ought  to  be  observed,  the  time 
was  when  the  whole  world  wondered  at  his  infallible  judg- 
ment. Infallible,  so  given  out,  and  so  for  many  ages  re- 
ceived. Yea,  so  powerful,  so  efficacious,  has  been  the 
word  of  his  holiness,  that  ere  now  his  very  breath  has 
blown  the  crown  oft'  from  the  head  of  one  *^prince  upon 
that  of  another.  So  very  extensive  his  sovereign  sway, 
that  to  give  a  kingdom  to  a  devoted  friend  was  no  more 
to  him  than  to  give  a  snuiF  of  sneezing  would.be  to  a 
trusty  highlander. 


190  DIALOGUES 

From  the  use  of  my  instruments  tliere  arises  a  neces- 
sity that  his  holiness's  bulls,  &:c.  should  be  the  most  per- 
fect antichristianism;  so  that  in  the  inverting  mirror  they 
may  assume  the  likeness  of  unerring  truth.  It  is  the 
same  with  the  persons  and  things  which  the  hoary  father 
is  concerned  with:  the  sentence  is.  in  general,  contrary  to 
the  real  intrinsic  merit  of  the  party  or  cause.  Hence  we 
iind  a  turbulent  Becket  canonized  for  a  saint,  and  placed 
among  the  Roman  deities,  and  a  pious  Cranmer  con- 
demned to  the  stake.  Regicide  is  rewarded  as  meritori- 
ous, whilst  walking  according  to  the  dictates  of  consci- 
ence is  held  altogether  damnable,  both  in  this  and  the  fu- 
ture world. 

From  the  proper  application  of  this  mirror,  popish 
bulls,  decrees  of  councils,  canons  of  churches,  human 
composed  formulas  of  worship,  are  supposed  to  be  stamp- 
ed with  divine  authority;  whilst  the  Bible,  that  only 
revelation  of  the  divine  mind,  is  considered  not  only  as 
insufficient  to  show  men  the  way  of  salvation,  but  even 
dangerous  to  be  read  by  the  laity;  and  it  is  absolutely 
forbidden  their  use,  lest  by  knowing  too  much  of  the  will 
of  God,  they  should  perish  from  the  popish  faith.  Bo  the 
good  old  vicar  obliges  the  laity  to  go  to  hell  blindfold, 
without  complaining. 

Nothing  can  be  more  certain,  than  that  either  his  holi- 
ness the  pope,  or  the  writers  of  the  scriptures,  must  be 
mistaken.  The  former  says  the  Bible  is  dark,  mysteri- 
ous, difficult  to  be  understood,  and  even  dangerous  to 
the  souls  of  men;  whereas  the  latter  say,  the  scripture 
way  of  salvation  is  so  plain  and  easy,  that  the  way-faring 
man,  though  a  stranger,  though  even  a  fool,  shall  not 
err  therein.  The  pope  has,  for  weighty  reasons,  been 
pleased  to  forbid  the  use  of  the  scriptures,  under  the 
heavy  penalty  of  death  and  damnation:  Jesus,  the  author 
of  the  Bible,  commands  all  men  to  search  the  scriptures; 
and  his  spirit,  in  Paul,  applauds  this  conduct  in  the  noble 
Bereans.  Surely  this  points  out  the  very  person  of  anti- 
christ. His  holiness  at  Rome,  and  all  other  great  leaders 
of  the  church,  are  of  opinion  that  the  scripture  is  not 
of  itself  sufficient  to  be  the  guide  of  conscience,  the 
rule  of  faith  and  practice;  therefore  canons,  creeds,  litur- 
gies, &.C.  are  introduced  to  make  the  formula  of  worship 
more  complete.     But  Paul  the  apostle  tells  mankind  that 


OF  DEVILS.  191 

the  scripture  Is  able,  through  God,  to  make  them  wise  to 
salvation.  So  that  the  one  or  the  other  must  needs  be 
mistaken. 

Impiator.  His  holiness  of  Rome  was  in  the  right  to 
forbid  reading  of  the  Bible,  and  they  find  their  account 
in  so  doing.  The  old  Bible,  I  am  told,  tolerates  even 
a  gospel  minister  to  lead  about  a  wife,  but  confines  liim 
to  one  only.  Therefore  this  Bible  did  not  suit  my  good 
friends  of  the  priesthood.  But  the  pope's  Bible,  which 
forbids  to  marry,  and  enjoins  an  unreserved  auricular 
confession,  gives  the  gentlemen  of  the  cloth  an  oppor- 
tunity, under  the  pretence  of  being  more  righteous  than 
others,  of  being  lascivious  to  the  uttermost,  and  to  de- 
file all  the  nuns  in  the  convent.  What  full  fed  friar 
would  not  choose  a  free  admission  into  such  a  seraglio, 
rather  than  be  confined,  by  sacred  marriage,  to  only  one 
wife?  AVith  them  it  is  a  rule,  that  much  pleasure  arises 
from  variety. 

Disc  GROANS.  So,  cousin,  I  find  you  are  acquainted  with 
our  old  friends,  the  priests  of  Rome. 

Impiator.  I  have  been  long  acquainted  with  them. 
Why,  cousin,  the  greater  part  of  them  dwell  in  my  can- 
ton of  literal  fornicators,  and  they  are  all  freemen  in  the 
district  of  mystical  whoredom. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  have  taken  care  to  furnish  every  true 
member  of  the  Italian  church  with  a  partial  telescope,  by 
the  help  of  which  he  takes  a  false  view  of  the  members 
of  all  other  communities  whatever;  and,  in  the  very 
spirit  of  the  ancient  Pharisees,  holds  all  to  be  accursed 
w  ho  are  not  of  his  communion.  By  these  means  also  the 
holiness  of  real  saints  is  called  heresy,  and  the  heresy 
of  the  papists  obtains  the  name  of  holiness.  The  will- 
worship,  superstition,  and  idolatry,  of  those  sons  of  the 
mystic  whore,  they  call  piety,  whilst  the  pure  spiritual 
worship  of  God,  in  Christ,  is  by  them  termed  schism  and 
heresy. 

In  my  instruments,  the  papists  in  general  view  the 
righteousness  of  Immanuel  as  the  ground  of  man's  ac- 
ceptance with  God,  and  therefore,  say  they,  "  It  is  all 
chimera,  a  mere  shadow,  a  doctrine  of  licentious  ten- 
dency, unfit  to  be  published  amongst  mankind."  But 
when  they  consider  their  own  personal  merit,  by  the 
help  of  my  telescope,  they  are  ravished  with  their  own 


192  DIALOGUES 

supposed  excellency.  "A  righteousness  of  our  own," 
say  they,  ''  is  a  work  of  substance,  and  will  bear  our 
dependence.  Here  is  righteousness  of  my  own  work- 
ing out,  enough  to  obtain  the  favour  of  God,  and  to 
spare.  Blessed  be  my  own  hands  for  working  out  my 
salvation,  and  more  than  my  salvation.  Adored  be  my 
own  heart  for  possessing  more  than  holiness  sufficient 
to  bring  me  to  heaven."  Of  the  same  opinion  is  the 
Rev.  Mr.  John  Wesley,  with  whom  it  is  plain,  that  the 
grace  of  God  is  insufficient  to  salvation,  without  the  co- 
operation of  the  creature,  who  is  yet  confessedly  incapa- 
ble of  doing  any  thing  aright.  There  is  a  very  near  rela- 
tion between  the  old  gentleman  at  Rome,  and  his  kins- 
man at  the  Foundry.  Both  are  popes,  though  the  latter 
is  much  more  diminutive  than  the  former. 

There  was  a  time  when  the  whole  assemblage  of 
priests  took  it  into  their  heads  to  promote  their  own  re- 
ligion, and  to  suppress  that  which  had  any  tendency  to 
lessen  the  importance  of  the  sacerdotal  order.  For  their 
more  success,  they  inquired  of  my  mirror,  a«^  an  oracle, 
for  directioii  as  to  means  most  proper  for  the  purpose. 
Answer  was  given,  "By  the  power  of  the  sword." 
Therefore  in  the  popish  Bible  it  is  written,  "  Those  who, 
in  contempt  of  holy  church,  shall  take  upon  them  to 
live  according  to  the  dictates  of  conscience  and  scrip- 
ture, shall  die  the  death,  and  their  estates  shall  be  con- 
fiscated to  the  prince  of  the  realm,  provided  always  that 
one  full  moiety  of  every  such  estate  shall,  without  de- 
duction, be  returned  to  his  holiness  at  Rome,  the  prince 
over  the  kings  of  ttie  earth.  Moreover,  whoever  shall 
hesitate  about  yielding  his  conscience  to  the  guidance  of 
the  priest,  and  shall  not  with  apparent  willingness  bind 
his  soul  to  the  horns  of  the  pontifical  altar,  shall  be 
deemed  and  damned  for  a  heretic;  that  is,  shall  be  burn- 
ed out  of  this  world  at  a  stake,  and  shall  burn  forever  in 
the  world  to  come,  according  to  the  good  pleasure  of  his 
merciful  holiness." 

Infidelis.  Ah,  cousin,  the  devil  was  sadly  outwitted 
in  that  attair;  for  although  the  burning  of  heretics  was  a 
pleasing  diversion  to  our  good  friends  the  priests  for 
the  time  being,  it  has  brought  them  into  contempt  which 
will  prove  everlasting.  Having  set  the  world  upon  re- 
flection, it  is  now  found,  to  our  grief,   that  the  religion 


OF  DEVILS.  195 

of  Jesus  has  no  connexion  with  a  spirit  of  intolerance, 
which,  wherever  it  obtains,  is  known  to  be  the  spirit  of 
antichrist  One  would  really  suppose  that  the  successor 
of  St.  Peter  ha*  quite  forgotten  the  injunction  given  his 
predecessor,  to  cease  from  the  use  of  the  sword,  and  let 
it  abide  in  its  sheath,  seeing  he  accounts  its  edge  to  be 
the  most  convincing  of  all  arguments.  But  1  interrupt 
juur  story^   cousin. 

DiscoRDANS.  Often  have  T  seen  the  whimsical  hermit 
and  fantastical  devotee  take  an  ample  view  of  his  own  re- 
ligious proceedings  with  this  partial  telescope  and  invert- 
ing mirror,  and  thus  sounds  the  voice  of  self-applause 
from  the  hermitical  cell  at  the  bottom  of  vSinai,  or  on  the 
top  of  Ararat:  **Lo,  what  a  high  degree  of  holiness  my 
own  self-denial  and  assiduity  have  procured  me.  Eehold ! 
what  great  good  my  crucifixion  of  the  flesh,  and  separa- 
tion from  the  world  have  wrought  out  for  me,  for  which  I 
may  thank  my  own  resolution.  By  my  pious  diligence  I 
have  attained  holiness  sufficient  to  qualify  me  for,  and 
good  works  more  than  enough  to  entitle  me  to,  heaven. 
Happy  I,  who  have  made  such  a  good  improvement  of  my 
time!  Unlike  to  those  indolent  people  who,  when  they 
die,  are  obliged  either  to  purchase  their  pardons  at  an  ad- 
vanced price,  or  to  lie  for  ages  in  the  flames  of  purgatory, 
burning  away  their  rebellions.  I  shall  get  safe  to  heaven 
without  so  much  as  touching  at  that  flaming  prison  on  my 
journey." 

Impiator.  Dear  cousin,  how  have  I  laughed;  laughed 
myself  out  of  breath,  strong  and  healthy  as  my  lungs 
are,  to  see  the  papal  penitent,  after  he  has  in  holy  zeal 
whipt  himself  with  a  cat-o'-nine-tails,  for  the  length  of 
several  streets,  till  the  impious  offending  gore  has  laid 
on  the  stones.  Enamoured  with  his  own  fortitude  in 
so  belabouring  the  sinful  flesh,  I  have  seen  him,  after 
his  penitential  work  was  finished,  examine  every  stripe 
by  the  help  of  my  valuable  instruments,  and,  as  he 
viewed,  he  cried  with  the  voice  of  exultation,  "  Ah, 
how  infatuated  are  those  who  hope  to  get  to  heaven  in  a 
whole  skin,  without  mortifying  and  punishing  the  wick- 
ed flesh!  To  expose  themselves  to  such  severe  exercise 
in  the  discipline  of  purgatory,  for  want  of  devotion 
enough  to  submit  to  the  discipline  of  the  church,  how  im- 

17 


194  DIALOGUES 

pious!  But  I  shall  have  a  speedy  entrance  into  happi- 
ness on  my  dissolution,  for  I  mortify  the  members  of  this 
body;  and  these  wounds,  religiously  inflicted  voluntarily 
by  my  own  hand,  will  be  as  so  many  mouths  to  intercede 
for  me  with  the  Almighty." 

AvARO.  So  then,  cousin,  the  intercession  of  Imraanuel 
is  quite  out  of  the  question  with  your  penitents,  I  per- 
ceive. And  indeed  those  people  who  can  whip  them- 
selves to  heaven  cannot  have  much  need  of  his  advocacy 
and  intercession.  If  the  whip,  well  applied,  can  save 
a  man  from  destruction,  one  would  be  apt  to  conclude 
that  Immanuel  might  have  saved  himself  the  expense  of 
such  bloody  suft'erings  and  agonizing  sorrows  as  he  un- 
derwent. 

DiscoRDANS.  That  is  true,  cousin;  but  their  first  con* 
cern  is  not  w'ith  Immanuel,  but  his  holiness  the  pope. 
Not  about  the  favour  of  God,  but  that  of  his  reverence 
the  priest,  who  is  thought  to  have  all  the  orators  of  hea- 
ven under  his  influence.  Therefore,  those  that  hope  for 
favour  with  the  inhabitants  of  heaven,  must  be  very  care- 
ful not  to  lose  the  good  graces  of  the  parson;  for  it  is 
thought  that  no  man  can  meet  with  a  cordial  reception 
in  the  other  world,  but  what  brings  proper  credentials 
with  him  from  the  ghostly  guide  of  his  conscience  in 
this.  But  Death  is  a  wonderful  instructor,  and  teaches 
the  poor  beo;uiltd  criminals  lessons  which  they  never 
thought  of  in  life:  and  amongst  others,  this  import- 
ant one,  that  the  favour  of  the  pope  and  priest  can  be 
of  no  more  service  to  a  dying  man  than  the  favour  of 
Mahomet. 

AVhen  the  true  born  sons  of  the  scarlet  whore  are 
pleased  to  view  the  protectants  with  my  telescope,  indig- 
nation ri^^es  in  the  heart,  and  thus  they  o;ive  vent  to  their 
zeal  and  vengeance:  ''Ah,  what  a  goodly  heaven  would 
it  be  to  see  those  heretics  broiling  in  the  flames  of  hell! 
When  shall  vengeance  fall  to  the  uttermost  upon  those 
who  dare  despise  tl)e  authority  of  the  church  and  its  holy 
priest?*' 

Infidrlis.  It  is  allowed  on  all  hands,  in  the  church  of 
Rome,  that  to  protest  against  the  pope's  supremacy,  and 
disbelieve  his  infallibility,  is  the  sin  unpardonable;  for 
which  no  dispensation  whatever  can  be  obtained  from 


OF  DEVILS.  195 

the  c1erp;y,  however  much  their  so  doin^  may  be  ap- 
proved in  heaven.  And  it  is  an  article  in  the  papal 
faith,  that  tire  and  fagot,  rack  and  i^ibbet,  are  the  most 
convincing,  or  rather  invincible,  of  all  arguments,  there- 
fore never  to  be  omitted  in  the  decision  of  religious 
disputes. 

1mi'ia.tor.  AVhen  we  consider,  sir,  that  his  holiness 
of  Rome  is  not  such  an  able  logician  as  Jesus  of  Naza- 
reth, and  hath  a  religion  very  different  from  his  to  de- 
fend, we  must  allow  that  he  is  in  the  right  of  it  to 
reason  with  the  edge  of  the  coercive  weapon.  Fraudu- 
lent religion  is  liable  to  many  disadvantages  to  which 
truth  is  not  subject;  and  although  the  one  will  eternally 
stand  of  itself  against  all  the  machinations  of  dark- 
ness, the  other  will  require  the  assistance  of  violence 
and  intolerance  to  uphold  it.  AVho  then  can  blame 
their  papal  reverences  for  pulling  the  sword  from  its 
scabbard,  in  order  to  convince  gainsayers.^  I  have 
seen  many,  by  dint  of  ?ound  reasoning,  most  griev- 
ously confound  the  holy  fathers,  who  became  like 
dumb  dogs,  that  could  not  bark  before  them,  in  a  mo- 
ment's time  silenced  by  the  end  of  a  cord,  or  some  such 
irrefutable  argument.  These  are  wonderful  ways  to  en- 
lighten the  consciences  of  heretics,  gentlemen.  But  I 
pray  you,  cousin,  have  you  no  concern  among  the  pro- 
testants? 

DiscoRDANS.  Not  a  little,  cousin,  which  to-morrow  I 
may  give  you  some  account  of ;  but  at  present  must  for- 
bear, the  usual  time  of  interview  being  elapsed.  Adieu, 
mv  kinsmen,  adieu. 


196  DIALOGUES 


DIALOGUE  XIT. 


DISCORDANS, 

Yes,  gentlemen,  strange  as  it  maj  seem,  I  assure  yon 
mj  advantages  by  these  instruments  are  great,  and  mj 
influence  even  over  protestants  not  to  be  despised. 
Though,  it  is  true,  I  am  at  no  pains  to  prejudice  the 
protestants  against  the  papists,  or  to  make  use  of  my  in- 
struments in  order  to  render  the  latter  more  disagreeable 
than  they  really  arej  for,  whilst  in  the  bodjr,  it  is  impos- 
sible to  make  a  thorough  bred  papist  more  diabolical  than 
he  is  already.  I  leave  it  therefore  with  the  protestants 
to  examine  the  worshippers  of  the  pope  in  the  mirror  of 
revealed  truth,  by  which  the  antichristianism  of  that  re- 
ligion is  sufficiently  detected,  and  all  the  fallacy  of  priest- 
craft is  openly  brought  to  light.  But  great  is  the  busi- 
ness which  1  do  between  one  protestant  and  another} 
who,  although  they  unanimously  agree  to  shake  off  the 
papal  yoke,  are  most  grievously  divided  among  them- 
selves. They  abominate  the  high  and  arrogant  preten- 
sions of  Rome,  yet  they  themselves  are  severally  the 
most  orthodox,  and  drink  deeper  into  the  spirit  of  popery 
tlian  they  are  perhaps  aware  of,  even  of  the  precious 
gpirit  of  intolerance  and  bigotry. 

When  a  zealous  churchman,  such  as  Sacheveral,  or 

his  lordship  of  L ff,  or  aDurell,  Nowel,  or  Blackett, 

examines  his  own  party  with  my  telescope  and  mirror, 
how  enamoured  is  the  good  man  on  the  discovery  of  his 
own  excellency!  How  much  of  the  self-opinionated 
gtrain  flows  from  his  boasting  lips!  *'  There  is  no  doubt, 
says  he,  but  our  church  is  truly  apostolical;  the  purest 
church  in  the  whole  world.  We  hold  fast  the  form  of 
sound  words,  and  are  not  forgetful  of  the  tradition  of  the 
elders." 

Infidelis.  No,  cousin,  they  are  not  forgetful  of  tradi* 
tion;  for  with  all  the  pompous  parade  of  lordly  prelates, 
there  is  not  a  small  part  of  the  episcopalian  formula  that 
derives  its  existence  from  the  traditions  of  even  the  R<^ 


OF  DEVILS.  19r 

mlsh  fathers.  Cringing  and  courtesTing  vihen  the  name 
of  Jesus  is  pronounced;  worshipping  with  the  face  to- 
wards the  east,  keeping  lent,  and  other  holidays  besides 
the  Christian  Sabbath;  fasting  on  Fridays,-  crossing  in 
baptism,  with  a  great  many  more,  are  all  sprung  from 
the  Italian  fountain.  In  like  manner  the  names  of  their 
priests  evidently  show  that  the  pope  stood  godfather  at 
their  christening.  And  he  that  but  looks  on  their  ca- 
nonical robes,  must  be  instantly  convinced  that  they  are 
cut  in  the  true  Italian  taste.  However,  they  are  not  the 
only  protestants  who  hanker  after  papal  customs;  for 
even  the  Geneva  cloke  itself  discovers  the  tailor's  ac- 
quaintance with  the  shops  of  Italy.  And  yet  to  hear 
the  Calvinists  boast  of  their  reformation  from  popery, 
one-would  thinic  we  could  not  find  so  much  as  a  shred 
of  the  strumpet's  garments  within  the  pale  of  their  pres- 
bytery. 

DiscoRDANS.  It  is  a  rule  with  mankind  in  general  to 
look  out  narrowly  for  the  mote  in  the  eye  of  another, 
whilst  they  tenderly  pass  by  the  beam  which  is  in  their 
own  eye;  and,  as  we  have  brought  the  world  into  such  a 
state  of  disorder,  it  is  no  difficult  matter  for  the  eye  of 
jealousy  to  iind  faults  enough.  Sometimes  I  clap  my  te- 
lescope to  the  eye  of  a  true  son  of  the  church,  and  direct 
him  to  survey  the  whole  body  of  dissenters:  he  obeys, 
and  then  exclaims,  '*  These  same  roundheads  are  schis- 
matics, prone  to  strife  and  sedition;  self-sufficient,  turbu- 
lent, and  uneasy  bigots;  haters  of  apostolic  discipline,  and 
lovers  of  licentiousness,  who  therefore  spit  in  the  face 
of  their  mother,  and  wickedly  leave  the  purest  church  in 
the  world." 

Impiator.  I  pray  you,  cousin,  are  there  none  aposto- 
lical besides  the  episcopalians? 

DiscoRDANS.  0  yes,  cousin  Impiator;  all  are  apostoli- 
cal, if  their  own  testimony  is  to  be  credited.  All  the 
Romish  clergy  are  apostolical,  and  give  it  out  that  Peter 
the  fisherman  was  their  great-grandfather.  The  church  of 
Scotland  is  also  apostolical,  and  the  power  of  the  twelve 
apostles  is  thought  to  have  been  transferred  to  the  Scotch 
presbytery.  The  Independents  are  apostolical  also,  on 
account  of  the  soundness  of  their  doctrine,  and  regularity 
of  some  part  of  their  discipline.  But  both  they  and  the 
Lorth  country  clergvmeQ  labour  under  some  disadvaD- 
17* 


198  DIALOGUES 

tages;  for  the  latter  hare  lost  the  deed  of  transfer,  which 
conveyed  the  authority  of  the  apostles  unto  the  presby- 
tery; and  the  former  are  unhappy  enough  to  be  unable 
to  produce  either  precept  or  precedent  from  the  apostles 
for  infant  sprinkling,  which  is,  notwithstanding,  a  founda- 
tion doctrine,  and  by  them  accounted  christian  baptism. 
The  baptists,  or,  as  the  independents  and  methodists 
respectfully  call  them,  anabaptists,  you  may  be  sure, 
are  not  less  apostolical  than  their  neighbours,  having, 
besides  all  the  advantages  claimed  by  the  Independ- 
ents, the  enjoyment  of  baptism  according  to  the  primi- 
tive institution.  So  that  no  defect  whatever,  in  point 
of  a  gospel  spirit,  can  hinder  them  from  being  apos- 
tolical. 

Even  Mr.  Wesley  and  his  preachers  give  themselves 
out  to  be  apostolical,  notwithstanding  Mr.  Wesley  as- 
serts that  salvation  is  by  works,  which  the  apostle  Paul 
denied.  No  contradiction  whatever  will  hinder  the 
teachers  of  the  people  from  considering  themselves  as 
apostolical.  When  I  am  used  to  attend  the  Sandema- 
nian  church,  after  service  time,  and  divert  myself  with 
their  playing  at  blindman's  buff,  I  confess  I  could  not 
easily  gather  from  what  part  of  the  apostles'  conduct 
they  derived  their  warrant  for  this  game,  any  more  thaa 
for  cards,  skittles,  attending  plays  and  masquerades, 
going  to  Vauxhall,  Ranelagh,  &:c.'  &c.,  and  yet  this  is 
the  only  apostolic  church  in  the  world,  in  its  own 
esteem,  taken  in  its  proper  connexions.  However,  it  is 
said,  some  of  the  oldest  pillars  of  the  church  having 
had  their  shins  repeatedly  broken,  and  the  elders'  noses 
having  been  smitten  even  to  bloodshed,  they  have  laid 
aside  that  dangerous  play  of  blindman's  butf,  so  verj 
apostolical  a  few  years  ago,  and  have  found  out  ways 
and  means  of  becoming  little  children,  less  dangerous 
and  more  becoming  their  infant  capacities,  by  which  thej 
may  spend  the  evening  of  every  Sabbath. 

Impiator.  By  your  leave,  cousin,  I  have  often  been 
puzzled  to  find  out  how  it  is  the  prelates  of  the  church  of 
England  came  to  be  apostolical j  and  I  protest  I  cannot, 
after  all,  unriddle  the  mystery.  I  have  heard  my  father 
say,  that  the  apostles  were  never  consecrated  to  any  seo 
whatever  in  England,  and  there  was  not  half  the  num- 
ber ol  apostles  there  are  of  prelates  eveo  in  this  island. 


OF  DEVILS.  199 

Moreover,  I  have  heard  him  sav,  the  archbishops  and 
bishops  of  the  Englisli  churcli  are  the  successors  of  the 
archflamins  and  flamins,  tlie  dignitaries  of  the  old 
British  pagan  church,  prior  to  the  days  of  Lucius. — 
Kow  if  they  hold  the  honours  and  revenues  of  tlie  pa- 
gan clergymen,  how  is  it  that  they  are  apostolical?  Is 
It  because  the  name  is  changed  from  flamin  to  bishop,  or 
how? 

Certain  it  is,  the  English  bishops  must  be  of  a  more 
noble  order  than  the  apostles.  There  are  lord  bishops; 
tliey  possess  great  revenues^  they  are  clothed  in  soft  rai- 
ment, and  dwell  in  king's  courts,;  they  are  too  high,  too 
polite,  too  dignified,  to  preach  in  a  common  assembly,  or 
indeed  in  any  other,  more  than  twice  or  thrice  a  year. 
But  the  apostles  were  men  of  mean  extraction,  not  lords, 
not  right  reverends;  plain  Paul,  Peter,  James,  &c.  They 
were  contented  if  their  revenues  would  purchase  food  and 
raiment  for  them;  they  seldom  appeared  among  great 
men,  in  king's  courts,  otherwise  than  in  quality  of  prison- 
ers; they  were  willing  to  spend  and  be  spent,  in  preach- 
ing the  gospel  to  all  people,  and  on  all  occasions;  they 
had  no  carriages,  no  equipages;  nothing  to  glory  of  but 
their  afflictions,  which  fell  upon  them  in  every  place 
wherever  they  came. 

LvFiDELis.  There  is  some  weight  in  your  reasoning, 
my  son,  and  they  will  understand  it  hereafter.  But,  in 
the  mean  while,  it  is  not  clever  in  the  churchmen,  how- 
e\'er  zealous,  to  charge  the  non-conformists  with  having 
separated  from  the  church.  The  church  of  England,  in 
her  rubric,  defines  a  church  to  be  "a  congregation  of 
faithful  men,  where  the  word  is  preached,  and  the  ordi- 
nances are  administered;"  from  whence  it  is  plain,  a 
church  may  meet  in  a  house  which  has  never  a  steeple; 
anil  a  man  may  leave  the  house  of  parish  worship,  or  what 
is  called  the  parish  church,  and  yet  cleave  to  a  congre- 
gation of  faithful  men  and  women,  where  the  ordinances 
are  administered  and  the  word  preached,  which  the  ru- 
bric, as  before  observed,  acknowledges  to  be  the  true 
church.  Churches  are  built  of  living  stones,  which  never 
a  parish  church  nor  cathedral  in  England  is;  therefore 
a  departure  from  them  can  never  with  propriety,  be  said 
to  be  a  schism  in  the  church.    My  good  friend,  the  high 


SCO  DIALOGUES 

churchman,  is  somewhat  unkind  to  the  non  conformists 
in  this  affair. 

DiscouDANS.  I  allow  it,  sir.  But  I  assure  you  the 
non-conformist  perfectly  understands  the  law  of  retal- 
iation, and  is  an  adept  in  the  use  of  my  instruments.  In 
some  zealous  hour  of  self- approbation  you  may  hear  his 
thoughts  about  the  episcopalians.  '•  These  episcopalians, 
Bays  he,  these  mongrels,  are  monsters  in  religion;  like 
Ephraim,  they  are  neither  baked  nor  unbaked,  but  like  a 
cake  not  turned;  neither  good  protestants  nor  right  pa- 
pists. Partly  they  worship  God,  and  partly  they  obey 
the  pope.  What  consistency  can  there  be  in  such  a  jum- 
bled religion?  Can  there  be  any  good,  where  there  is  so 
much  papal  dross  and  refuse.^  Any  true  religion,  where 
there  is  so  much  false  traditional  superstition?  Can  there 
be  any  thing  of  the  substance,  where  there  is  so  much  of 
the  shadow?"  So  you  see  there  is  never  a  sect  of  protes- 
tants, but  will  occasionally  do  the  devil  a  kindness,  in 
their  treatment  of  one  another. 

Infidelis.  This  language  of  the  non-conformists  is  not 
general,  cousin;  for  there  are  many  who  believe  that  a 
person  may  really  be  saved,  although  even  not  of  their 
community;  and  that  all  who  differ  from  them,  are  not 
to  be  treated  as  absolutely  enemies  to  God  and  all  reli- 
gion. The  like  may  be  said  of  the  good  people  of  the 
church  of  England.  For  amongst  them  you  will  find 
some  who  do  not  really  think  that  every  dissenter  is  ab- 
solutely in  a  state  of  damnation,  and  hope  at  least  that  a 
man  may  escape  hell,  even  though  he  never  sets  his  foot 
in  the  parish  church.  However,  I  have  often  been  high- 
ly diverted  at  hearing  the  church  parson,  on  the  one 
hand,  railing  against  the  neighbouring  dissenters  as  worse 
than  the  papists,  instead  of  preaching  the  gospel;  and, 
on  the  other  hand,  the  dissenter,  with  the  greatest  dex- 
terity, bandying  back  the  curse  upon  his  reverence,  as 
the  dog  that  barks  at  the  sheep  of  Christ.  Prejudice, 
cousin,  deals  all  in  extremes;  it  never  touches  on  the 
middle  path  of  judgment,  the  path  reserved  for  the  gentle 
steps  of  candour. 

DiscoRDANS.  It  is  not  enough  that  I  persuade  the  most 
bigoted  part  of  both  conformists  and  non-conformists,  re- 
ciprocally to  consider  each  other  as  the  avowed  and  incor- 
rigible enemies  of  Christianity,  and  themselves  to  be  its 


OF  DEVILS.  201 

warmest  votaries.  But  I  find  means  to  procure  the  non- 
cons  a  sight  of  each  other  in  my  celebrated  telescope,  and 
each  to  treat  the  difterent  denominations  with  as  much 
rigour  and  injustice,  as  if  thej  were  not  followers  or  did 
not  profess  to  be  followers  of  one  and  the  same  Saviour. 
The  hottest  episcopalian  rage  ever  felt  by  their  forefath- 
ers, discovered  not  more  bigotry  than  what  some  of  them 
discover  against  one  another. 

I  was  greatly  edified  the  other  day  in  paying  a  visit  to 
tm  eminent  quaker,  who,  when  with  curious  eye  he  was 
examining  my  instruments,  was  moved  by  the  spirit  oT 
eelf-conceit,  to  examine,  try,  cast  and  condemn  all  the 
sects  of  professors  around  him,  as  destitute  of  the  inward 
power  of  religion;  and  thus,  having  my  telescope  at  his 
eye,  he  began;  *' Friend  Episcopalius,  I  perceive  thou 
ert  so  carried  away  with  the  form,  that  thou  carest  not 
for  the  power  of  religion.  Vain  man,  shadows  are  thy 
delight,  and  thou  little  regardest  the  substance.  Dost 
thou  think,  friend  Episcopalius,  that  the  spirit  is  in  th© 
service-book?  Why  dost  not  thee  read  friend  Barclay's 
Apology?  Dost  thou  suppose  that  Christian  ministers 
are  ever  to  be  seen  shrouded  in  Romish  weeds  and  sur- 
plices? How  can  thy  steeple-house  be  a  receptacle  of 
the  meek  and  peaceful  saints,  when  there  is  such  a  clink- 
ing of  bells  from  the  top  of  it?  Is  it  not  more  likely  a 
synagogue  of  Satan,  whose  servants  are  turbulent  and 
noisy?  Thy  ministers  preach  for  hire,  friend,  they  take 
tithes  and  offerings  from  the  people,  and  how  can  they  then 
be  ministers  of  Jesus  Christ?  I  advise  thee,  friend  Epis- 
copalius, to  consider  thy  ways,  and  turn  to  the  light  with- 
in thee;  then  thy  priests  will  let  one  shirt  at  a  time  serve 
their  turn,  and  will  no  longer  preach  for  tithes  and  offer- 
ings. Then  shalt  thou  thyself  be  led  to  renounce  the 
fantasies  of  this  vain  life,  and  solicit  neither  for  church 
nor  state  preferment,  but  wilt  content  thyself  with  get- 
ting money  in  a  way  of  trade,  like  our  self-denying  breth- 
ren. I  say  again,  vain  man,  consider  how  worldly  are 
thy  practices. 

**As  for  you,  my  friends  of  the  presbyterian  and  inde- 
pendent denominations,  I  allow  that  ye  do  not  conform 
to  the  corrected  mass-book,  for  which  some  praise  is  due 
to  you.  But,  alas!  ye  conform  to  the  world,  notwith- 
itanding.     Look  ye,  friends,  your  women  wear  ribboc* 


«02  DIALOGUES 

of  unholj  colours:  rings  of  gold,  polluted  bj  the  profane 
hands  of  the  silversmith;  j'ea,  ruffles,  furbelows,  and 
heads  frizzled  up  to  an  enormous  height,  of  downright 
French  profaneness;  jour  women  are  ladies,  madam?, 
and  misses,  ail  of  which  indicate  that  ye  are  destitute  of 
the  inward  power,  and  neglect  to  look  to  the  light  with- 
in you.  Yea,  examine  but  your  own  clothes,  ye  who 
call  yourselves  gentlemen,  and  see  what  irreligion  dis- 
covers itself  in  every  part  of  their  fabrication.  Do  you 
see,  friends,  your  parsons  wear  clothes  of  an  idolatrous 
black,  and  bands  starched  with  superstition,  after  tha 
manner  of  popish  and  episcopalian  hirelings.  Ye  make 
ministers  sprinkle  your  infants,  use  ordinances,  and  like 
all  other  worldlings,  are  as  much  attached  to  shadow?, 
as  if  the  substance  were  not  to  come;  yea,  your  clothes 
are  made  of  unholj  colours,  such  as  are  worn  by  the 
servants  of  the  flesh;  je  wear  buttons,  made  of  metal 
digged  out  of  the  bowels  of  this  sinful  earth;  even  poc- 
ket holes  impiouslj  gaping  in  the  fore  skirts  of  jour  upper 
garment;  and  to  add  to  the  height  of  jour  carnalitj,  jour 
hats  are  wickedlj  cocked,  after  the  manner  of  the  sons 
of  antichrist.  1  charge  jou  all,  je  presbjterians  and  in- 
dependents, to  turn  to  the  light  within  jcu,  and  that  will 
lead  JOU  to  the  substance.  Then  will  jou  forsake  all 
these  Ijing  and  w^orldlj  vanities. 

''As  for  thee,  mj  friend  Baptismus,  (continued  the 
serious  quaker,)  thou  art  worse  than  all  the  rest;  they 
have  given  up  some  of  the  ordinances  which  were  in  use 
in  the  apostles'  dajs,  but  thou  retainest  every  puncti- 
lio; in  this,  therefore,  thou  art  formal  and  superstitious. 
Bj  leading  of  people  to  submit  to  those  primitive  ordi- 
nances, thou  dishonourest  the  light  within  thee  which 
teaches  those  who  obey  it  to  despise  ordinances,  as 
thou  seest  in  the  case  of  our  brethren.  Besides,  thy 
clothes  are  of  a  dark  colour,  like  those  of  other  hire- 
lings and  men-made  preachers.  Why  dost  thou  not 
imitate  our  elders  in  wearing  cloth  of  a  religious  co- 
lour, even  of  an  holj  drab?  Observe  me,  friend,  thy 
hat  is  cocked  after  a  popish  manner,  and  thou  wear- 
est  a  button  and  loop  upon  it,  after  the  fashion  of  an- 
tichrist: Why  hast  thou  not  hooks  and  eyes  to  raise 
it  only  to  a  half  bend,  after  the  manner  of  the  spiritu- 
al? 


OF  DEVILS.  203 

^'  It  appears  but  too  plainly,  friend  Baptismus,  that  thon 
art  still  in  the  world.  Thy  preachers  also  wear  popish 
cambric  on  their  bosoms,  preach  for  hire,  and  assume  the 
epithet  of  reverend.  Thee  and  thy  friends  maiv.e  a  migh- 
ty bustle  about  what  thou  callest  the  scripture.  I  pray 
thee,  friend,  turn  thee  from  that  dead  letter,  to  the  author 
of  it  within,  so  shalt  thou  be  taught  to  contemn  ordinan- 
ces, as  we  do,  and  to  give  honour  to  none  of  thy  fellow- 
cj-eatures,  how  much  soever  it  may  be  due. 

'"But  thou,  my  friend  Wesley,  comest  more  near  to 
the  standard  than  any  of  thy  neighbours.  Thy  priests 
are  not  hirelings,  having  only  food  and  raiment,  and 
thou  wisely  takest  care  of  the  rest.  Neither  are  they 
of  human  manufacture,  but  are  all  like  unto  our  elders, 
Fent  forth  by  special  commission  from  heaven,  from 
whence  thou  sayest  that  thou  derivest  thy  own  commis- 
sion. 

*'Thou  preachest  the  free  agency  of  man  also,  and 
ghuttest  none  out  from  heaven,  besides  those  who  will 
not  fulfil  thy  conditions,  or,  as  our  elders  say,  refuse  to 
obey  the  dictates  of  the  true  light  within  them.  Never- 
theless, thou  fallest  short  of  perfection;  for  though  thou 
despisest  the  bishops  as  dumb  dogs,  thou  art  mighlily  ta- 
ken with  the  steeple-house;  and,  although  thou  thyself 
wilt  be  subject  to  no  ordinance  but  what  thou  think  est 
meet,  thou  superstitiously  bindest  both  thy  preachers  and 
people  to  the  observance  of  every  rite  of  what  thou  cal- 
lest the  church.  I  pray  thee,  friend  John,  why  dost  thou 
pinch  thy  belly  on  Fridays?  What  seest  thou  in  the  fifth 
hour  more  than  in  the  ninth,  that  thou  shouldest  set  it 
apart  for  what  thou  callest  devotion?  Why  shouldest 
thou  exhort  thy  preachers  to  read  the  scriptures  with  thj 
notes,  to  read  thy  other  tracts  in  preference  to  all  others, 
to  pray  at  certain  hours,  as  if  the  spirit  were  at  their 
cotnmand,  and  to  pVeach  twice  every  day  of  their  lives? 
Thou  art  too  formal,  friend,  and  regardest  not  duly  the 
light  that  is  within  thee.'" 

Infidelis.  And  so  your  friend,  the  quaker,  is  pleased 
to  tell  all  the  world,  that  he  is  possest  of  the  spirit  of  bi- 
gotry and  self-conceit.  However,  he  is  not  the  only  bi- 
got in  the  world.  Bigotry  is  an  epidemical  distemper 
among  mankind,  and  1  know  no  greater  bigots  than  the 
people  who  profess  to  be  the  warmest  votaries  for  unli- 


204  DIALOGUES 

mlted  charity.  "Who  was  ever  more  bigoted  than  friend 
Barclay  and  his  quakin;^  brethren?  Or  who  in  the  world 
is  more  bigoted  and  aoomatical  at  this  day,  than  the 
reverend  principal  of  the  Foundry,  that  great  votary 
for  universal  redemption,  and  the  spontaneous  agency 
of  men.  So  very  highly  is  this  gentleman  esteemed, 
by  many  of  his  people,  that  I  have  heard  his  labours  ex- 
tolled above  those  of  Paul  the  apostle;  and  indeed  him- 
self accounted  to  be  one  of  the  two  witnesses,  spoken  of 
in  the  apocalypse.  But  in  this  they  must  be  mistaken, 
unless  by  sackcloth,  in  which  the  witnesses  prophecied, 
we  are  to  understand  prunella;  for  in  black  prunella,  in* 
stead  of  sackcloth,  has  all  the  prophecies  of  Mr.  Joha 
been  published. 

DisooRDANS.  My  friend,  the  quaker,  having  triumph- 
antly surveyed  the  supposed  imperfections  of  his  neigh- 
bours, turned  the  telescope  towards  himself;  then,  ga- 
thering his  muscles  into  a  smile  of  self  complacency,  ha 
said,  Yea,  it  is  evident  that  I  am  a  true  follower  of  tha 
light  within,  for  I  give  honour  to  no  man,  how  much  so- 
ever it  is  his  due;  prince  and  peasant,  noble  and  igno- 
ble, are  all  the  same  to  me,  my  fellow  creatures  and 
equals.  In  farther  obedience  to  the  inward  light,  I  do 
not  pray,  not  once  in  seven  years,  unless  moved  by  an 
impulse  from  the  spirit.  My  inward  bible  I  often  read; 
but  the  dead  letter  of  external  scripture  I  leave  to  thosa 
•who  are  fond  of  shadows.  My  raiment  too  is  all  mad© 
of  an  approved  colour,  even  of  sanctified  drab;  and  my 
linen  is  plain,  though  fine  and  neatly  dressed.  Yea,  and 
Martha,  my  good  wife  too,  is  separated  from  the  world, 
and  is  a  suitable  help-mate  to  a  spiritual  man;  she  wears 
BO  furbelows,  no  prufiuie  cardinal*,  capuchins,  domino*, 
&c.  but  all  hi  r  apparel  is  rich,  good  and  plain,  becoming 
a  separation  from  the  world. 

Infideus.  With  (he  quaker's  good  leave,  I  think  tbo 
faults  he  finds  in  his  n-jighbours,  are  like  gnats  when 
compared  to  the  huge  camels,  which  to  my  certain  know- 
ledge he  himself  can  swallow  without  straining.  Beside<=, 
the  virtues  of  which  he  makes  his  boast,  even  supposin;; 
them  to  be  virtues,  are  all  external,  and  are  no  more  than 
tithes  paid  of  anise,  mint  and  cummin,  whilst  the  weigh- 
tier matters  of  the  law  are  neglected,  perhaps  even  by 
this  precisian. 


OF  DEVILS.  205 

AvARo.  I  have  often  wondered  what  it  is  that  makes 
a  drab  colour  more  religious  and  becoming  than  ano- 
ther; yet  certainly  it  must  be  so,  for  the  quakers  are 
wise,  very  wise,  and  could  not  be  imposed  on,  as  every 
tradesman  who  deals  with  them  is  ready  to  testify. — 
Amongst  my  disciples  1  have  heard  amazing  accounts  of 
the  wisdom  of  the  quakers,  and  the  use  they  are  of,  in 
teaching  even  novices  wisdom,  by  their  provident  exam- 
ple. However,  I  have  as  much  wondered  v/hat  the  pa- 
pists, episcopalians,  and  every  other  sect  of  professors, 
discern  so  amiable  and  lovely  in  black,  as  to  induce 
them  to  make  it  a  canonical  colour;  and  almost,  if  not 
altogether,  essential  to  the  ministration  of  the  word.-^ 
No  doubt  they  have  heard  that  Beelzebub  is  said  to  be 
drest  in  raiment  of  the  deepest  black;  and  one  would 
wonder  they  should  desire  their  ministers  to  be  clothed 
in  the  same  uniform,  seeing  they  professedly  have  de- 
clared war  against  him  and  all  his  principalities.  Yet 
so  it  is;  for  any  other  than  dark-coloured  clothes  upon 
a  minister,  would  frighten  an  auditory  out  of  their 
pews,  and  the  best  of  sermons  would  not  be  worth  hear- 
ing, if  the  preacher  were  not  invested  in  the  sacerdotal 
livery. 

Fastosus.  It  is  I,  my  friends,  even  I,  who  am  at 
the  bottom  of  that  religious  whim.  But  for  me,  white 
would  be  thought  to  become  the  pulpit  as  well  as  black, 
and  green  would  be  as  holy  as  grey.  I  call  it  whim,  be- 
cause the  greatest  of  the  Nazarenes,  in  ancient  times, 
knew  no  colour  which  was  more  holy  than  the  rest;  and 
the  same  clothes  in  which  the  apostle  Paul  made  his  tents, 
served  him  as  canonical  robes,  in  which  he  also  preached 
the  gospel.  By  this  you  may  see  that  my  influence  is 
very  extensive,  even  in  religious  things. 

Impiator.  What,  uncle,  had  not  Paul  a  gown  and  cas- 
sock, in  which  he  preached,  and  a  surplice  in  which  he 
offered  up  his  prayers? 

Fastosus.  No,  Impiator.  Where  should  he  have 
them.'^  You  may  know  that  the  gown,  surplice,  &c. 
were  contrived  by  the  man  of  sin,  I  mean  the  sons  of 
perdition,  whose  principal  seat  is  at  Rome;  but  in  the 
days  of  the  apostles  he  was  not  revealed,  notwithstand- 
ing the  mvstery  of  popish  doctrine  had  indeed  began 
18 


206  DIALOGUES 

to  work.    But  all  this  while  we  forget  our  good  friend 
the  quaker. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  brother,  we  do  not  use  the  quaker 
handsomely  in  so  long  neglecting  of  him;  but  to  make 
him  some  amends,  I  must  tell  you,  that  I  have  often 
laughed  heartily  to  hear  those  precise  gentry  exclaim 
against  the  form  of  religion  adhered  to  by  others,  as 
if  they  themselves  were  nothing  but  spirit,  when  at  the 
same  time  they  are  as  formal  a  people  as  any  upon 
earth.  And  in  truth  very  few  of  them  know  any  thing 
at  all  of  religion,  besides  that  very  imperfect  form  which 
they  have  adopted.  But  we  are  wise  enough  to  keep 
our  thumb  upon  that;  for  if  the  cheat  were  discovered, 
I  am  afraid  they  would  be  glad  to  embrace  that  part  of 
the  form  of  religion  which  they  reject,  in  order  to  obtain 
the  power  of  it,  of  which  the  far  greater  part  of  them  now 
are  destitute. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  can  tell  you,  the  quakers  are  liberal- 
ly paid  back  in  their  own  coin.  And  amongst  every 
sect  of  protestants  hitherto  mentioned,  you  will  find 
some  who  seldom  or  never  look  at  the  people  called 
quakers  but  through  my  telescope.  "Were  you  by, 
when  the  quaker  is  examined  by  the  rest  of  the  pro- 
testants, you  would  almost  split  your  sides  with  laugh- 
ing at  their  partiality  and  unfair  representation.  Say 
they,  "the  quakers'  religion  lies  all  in  their  dress, 
speech,  and  money  getting.  Their  religion  lies  not  in 
the  head,  but  in  broad-brimmed  half-cocked  hats.  Not 
in  their  hearts,  but  in  their  coats.  Not  in  their  actions, 
but  in  their  tongues.  All  their  public  meetings  are  cal- 
culated to  promote  the  great  end  of  getting  money, 
and  increasing  commerce;  are  not  religious  but  merely 
political." 

By  this  you  may  see,  that  the  quakers  are  abused 
and  belied  in  their  turn,  as  well  as  they  abuse  and  belie 
others.  The  above  reflections  are  just  enough  when  ap- 
plied only  to  some,  or  to  a  great  many  of  them,  but  will 
by  no  means  hold  as  a  general  rule;  seeing  you  all  know, 
there  is  now  and  then  a  quaker  who  breaks  away  from 
his  subjection  to  the  god  of  this  world;  and  despising  all 
that  we  and  our  sable  clan  can  do  to  prevent  it,  get  safe 
within  the  palace  of  Immanuel.  Moreover,  there  are, 
at  those  public  meetings,  some,  though  comparatively  few, 


OF  DEVILS.  207 

who  have  a  truly  religious  design  in  giving  their  attend- 
ance. From  these  things  you  may  see,  my  friends,  that 
prejudice  deals  all  in  extremes,  and  knows  not  how  to 
speak  favorably. 

IxFiDELis.  That  it  is  a  gross  mistake,  into  which 
we  have  with  great  vigilance  ensnared  the  posterity  of 
Adam.  When  a  small  number  only,  of  any  particu- 
lar body  of  people,  are  found  guilty  of  a  certain  evil, 
the  crime  is  usually  charged  upon  the  whole;  and  the 
precipitate  and  injudicious  conclusion  is,  "They  are  all 
alike."  For  instance,  the  Munster  baptists  were  once 
guilty  of  certain  outrages,  with  which  the  whole  sect  of 
antipedobaptists  are  to  this  day  very  charitably  calumni- 
ated. And  because  very  many  of  the  quakers  are  ama- 
zingly wise  to  get  money,  and  to  keep  it  when  it  is  pro- 
cured, it  is  often  said  they  are  all  such,  and  that  Avaro 
IS  their  lawgiver. 

Hey  day,  whither  is  the  rule  of  moral  equity  gone, 
that  the  professors  of  religion  cannot  set  their  eyes 
upon  it?  Where  is  that  candour  and  benevolence, 
which  the  christian  religion  every  where  recommends, 
that  you,  cousin,  have  gained  such  an  ascendancy  over 
them? 

DiscoRDAKs.  By  the  instrumentality  of  these  glasses, 
I  got  the  preachers  of  salvation  by  grace,  traduced  as 
Antinomians,  and  the  doctrines  of  the  word  of  God 
bespattered  as  so  many  sources  of  licentiousness.  For 
instance,  the  preacher,  as  his  duty  is,  declares,  "  That 
salvation  is  not  of  works,  but  grace;"  and  may  thus 
reason  with  the  people:  ''You  can  do  nothing  that  will 
recommend  you  to  the  favour  of  God;  the  Ethiopian 
may  change  his  hue,  and  the  leopard  his  spots,  as  soon 
as  you,  who  are  accustomed  to  do  evil,  can  change  your 
own  nature,  and  learn  to  do  well:  For  it  is  not  of  works 
of  righteousness  which  ye  have  done,  or  can  do,  that 
your  salvation  cometh;  but  merely  by  the  calling  of 
free  mercy."  I  instantly  clap  my  telescope  to  the  eye 
of  the  legalist,  and  he  exclaims,  "  What  an  enemy 
to  good  works  is  this  same  wretched  Antinomian?  Ac- 
cording to  him,  we  may  as  well  do  nothing  as  strive 
to  procure  the  favour  of  God;  may  as  well  lead  lives 
t}\e  most  vile  and  profligate,  as  study  to  live  righteous- 
ly and  holily;    for,   according  to  this  same   preacher, 


208  DIALOGUES 

our  wickedness  is  as  acceptable  to  God,  as  our  most 
holy  and  virtuous  living.  Yea,  more  acceptable;  for  he 
declares,  that  harlots  and  publicans  shall  enter  into  the 
kingdom  of  heaven,  sooner  than  those  who  do  what  they 
can  to  procure  eternal  life  by  their  holiness  and  good 
works." 

Such  is  the  language,  not  only  of  the  vulgar  and  ig- 
norant, but  of  many  who  profess  to  know  much  of  reli- 
gion. Whenever  the  self-sufficient  Arminius  is  in  the 
humour  to  try  the  doctrines  of  the  gospel  in  my  invert- 
ing mirror,  and  the  preachers  of  them  in  my  partial  tel- 
escope, he  very  candidly  and  with  great  liberality,  be- 
stows upon  them  such  as  the  following  reflections: 
"These  wretched  Calvinists  represent  the  Almighty 
God  as  a  partial  and  unmerciful  being,  who  hides  his 
gospel  and  withholds  his  grace  from  men  of  virtue,  wis- 
dom, and  prudence,  whilst  he  reveals  himself  to  the  most 
notorious  transgressors.  They  say,  that  a  man  of  a  regu- 
lar inoffensive  life  may  perish  forever,  when  a  murderer, 
like  Manasseh,  a  polluted  prostitute,  as  Magdalen,  and  a 
wicked  oppressor,  like  Zaccheus,  shall  be  saved.  If  this 
is  true  then  we  had  better  live  notoriously  wicked,  than 
sober,  righteous  and  godly  lives.  What  wretched,  what 
dangerous  doctrine  is  this?  They  make  God  to  be  the 
author  of  sin  too;  for  they  say  that  nothing  comes  to  pass 
but  by  divine  appointment  or  permission.  They  talk  al- 
so of  some  horrible  decree,  in  which  God  is  said  to  have 
ordained  the  things  which  are  coming  and  shall  come. 
No  need  of  holiness,  if  salvation  is  not  of  him  that  wil- 
leth;  no  need  of  diligence,  if  it  is  not  of  him  that  run- 
neth, but  to  whom  the  Almighty  showeth  mercy.  If 
God  hath  mercy  only  upon  whom  he  will  have  mercy, 
and  hardeneth  whom  he  will,  we  may  live  as  we  please; 
for  if  we  are  to  be  saved,  we  shall  not  be  damned.  What 
diabolical  doctrine  is  this?"*  Thus  the  Arminian  raves 
against  the  doctrine  of  the  scripture,  and  all  its  faithful 
preachers. 

*  These  devils.  I  perceive,  are  not  very  exact  in  literally  copying 
the  expressions,  but  content  themselves  with  expressing  the  spirit  of 
preachers  and  writers.  If  any  reader  should  think  that  Discordans 
does  injustice  to  the  Arrainians  here,  he  may  be  satisfied  of  the  con- 
trary,  by  consulting  Sellon  against  Coles.  Fletcher's  defeoce  oC 
Wesley's  minutes 


OF  DEVILS.  209 

Impiator.  I  praj  you,  cousin,  who  are  these  same 
Arrainians?  You  know  I  am  but  little  conversant  with 
religious  people,  of  any  name. 

DiscoRDANS.  The  papists  in  general,  cousin;  and 
all  the  unconverted,  who  have  any  notion  at  all  about  re- 
demption through  the  blood  of  Christ.  Mr.  Wesley 
and  his  followers,  the  Baxterians  and  Neonomians.:  for 
none  exceed  them  in  enmity  against  the  purity  of  doctrine. 
Thus  you  may  see,  that  the  Arminian  party  is  by  far  the 
most  numerous,  and  most  honourable  among  men,  and 
therefore  gains  proselytes  from  all  quarters.  Though, 
by  the  wsl}\  it  is  a  pretty  strong  proof  that  it  is  the  doc- 
trine of  antichrist,  seeing  Immanuel  and  his  doctrines  are 
every  where  spoken  against,  by  men  of  philosophy  and  na- 
tural religion. 

Infidelis.  You  know,  cousin  Discordans,  that  we 
have  found  out  many  ways  of  opposing  the  pure  gos- 
pel, and  this  is  one  among  the  rest;  under  our  influ- 
ence, the  grace  abusing  libertine  censures  the  true 
Christian  as  legal,  because  he  strenuously  pleads  for 
purity  of  heart  and  regularity  of  conversation.  On  the 
other  hand,  the  real  legalist,  whether  he  be  Socinian 
or  Arminian,  alleges,  that  the  evangelical  Christian  is 
an  Antinomian,  because  he  utterly  disclaims  the  merit 
of  good  works  in  the  business  of  salvation.  Indeed, 
on  all  hands,  those  who  choose  either  of  the  extremes, 
never  fail  to  censure  such  as  adhere  to  the  middle 
path  of  judgment;  which  you  know  is  the  only  path  of 
safety. 

Fastosus.  Your  observation,  brother,  fulfils  what  is 
written  in  Immanuel's  own  word,  concerning  these 
same  Nazarenes,  ''As  for  this  sect,  it  is  every  where 
spoken  against."  However  the  enemies  of  true  reli- 
gion differ  among  themselves,  they  agree  in  stigma- 
tizing the  real  Christian.  Belarmine,  Pucksius,  Hu- 
berus,  Hemengius,  &c.  holy  fathers  of  the  Romish 
church,  heartily  belaboured  them  in  their  days;  Dr. 
Whitby,  John  Goodwin,  Whiston,  &c.  of  the  English 
church,  have  carried  on  the  dispute  with  equal  warmth, 
and  improved  the  same  chain  of  arguments  against 
them  in  latter  days;  in  the  present  time  Dr.  Harwood 
of  Bristol,  Mr.  Wesley  of  London,  Mr.  Sellon  of 
Derbyshire,  and  Dr.  Nowel  of  Oxford,  have  manag- 
18* 


210  DIALOGUES 

ed  the  popish  cause  with  amazing  address,  and  all  the 
while  pass  for  true  protestants.  So  that  every  where, 
that  gospel  which  is  suited  only  to  the  perishing  sinner, 
is  spoken  against,  as  pernicious  and  subversive  of  holi- 
ness. 

DiscoRDANS.  Our  friends,  the  men  of  this  world,  al- 
ways view  the  sect  of  the  Nazarenes  in  mj  glasses,  and 
as  thej  look  on  them,  they  say,  ''  What  a  despicable 
tribe  is  this?  A  set  of  mean,  beggarly  people,  the  ott- 
scourings  of  the  earth,  and  the  very  dregs  of  humanity. 
Not  a  person  of  any  considerable  rank  among  them. — 
Led  by  the  nose  by  a  set  of  illiterate  dogmatical  fisher- 
men. ^yhat  person,  possessed  of  any  sense  of  honour, 
would  frequent  their  assemblies,  or  have  any  connexion 
with  their  societies:*' 

Infidelis.  Your  remarks  are  very  just,  my  worthy 
cousin;  for  mankind  in  general  have  forgotten  that  the 
scripture  says,  "Not  many  wise  men  after  the  ilesh,  not 
many  noble  are  called;  but  God  hath  chosen  the  foolish 
things  of  this  world  to  confound  the  wise,  and  the  weak 
things  of  the  world  to  confound  the  mighty.-'  So  that 
the  very  objections  raised  against  them,  prove  the  Naza- 
renes to  be  the  people  whom  Immanuel  hath  redeemed 
out  of  the  world. 

DrscoRDANs.  True,  sir,  but  they  see  not  the  mistake. 
But  to  proceed;  my  instruments  further  represent  them, 
as  a  set  of  hollow  hearted  hypocrites,  whom  our  people 
thus  deride.  *^  What  painted  deceivers  are  these,  who 
make  such  a  stir  about  religion,  and  affect  such  an 
air  of  sanctity.'*  Hear  how  they  sigh  and  whine,  whilst 
that  rogue  of  a  fanatic  tells  them  his  cant  story  about 
I  know  not  what.  The  scripture  says,  "Be  not  right- 
eous overmuch;  seek  not  to  be  overwise."  And  I  dare 
say  that  we  have  as  much  religion  as  they,  though  we 
do  not  make  such  a  stir  about  it.  I  will  warrant  me 
these  hypocrites  are  more  wicked  in  private  than  we  are 
in  public;  for,  although  they  will  not  get  drunk,  curse 
and  swear,  as  we  do,  they  will  cheat  and  lie  like  the  de- 
vil himself." 

Fastosus.  A  demonstrative  proof  of  the  perfection  of 
our  conquest  over  them;  for  mankind  in  general  do  not 
00 ly  hate  godliness  itself,  but  even  its  appearance.    And 


OF  DEVILS.  fiU 

for  this  reason  true  sanctity,  devotion,  and  self-denial  are 
commonly  censured  as  hypocrisy. 

DiscoRDANS.  As  our  good  friends  of  the  world  are  not 
as  yet  perfectly  agreed  in  their  manner  of  aspersing  good 
people,  it  happens  that  different  people  pursue  different 
methods,  equally  absurd  and  diabolical.  Some,  for  in- 
stance, are  pleased  to  say,  "  These  people  are  melan- 
choly. See  how  they  hang  down  their  heads,  like  bul- 
rushes, as  they  pass  along  the  streets.  One  shall  never 
see  them  look  pleasant,  nor  hear  them  sing  a  merry  song, 
as  others  occasionally  do  with  innocence.  I  hate  that  re- 
ligion which  makes  people  melancholy." 

Infidelis.  People  greatly  betray  their  own  ignorance 
when  they  assign  the  cause  of  melancholy  to  the  religion 
of  Jesus;  the  end  of  which  is  to  revive  and  comfort  thtt 
melancholy  sinner,  whose  heart  is  oppressed  with  a  sense 
of  guilt  and  defilement.  To  revive  the  spirit  of  the 
contrite,  to  bind  up  the  broken  hearted,  and  to  make  the 
lame  leap  for  joy,  because  they  obtain  the  prey.  Nor  do 
those  revilers  of  religion  consider  that  they  themselves, 
by  their  contempt  of  Christianity,  do  all  they  can  to 
excite  the  grief  of  the  sincere  Christian,  who  cannot  see 
his  fellow  sinners  walking  jocosely  in  the  paths  of  per- 
dition, without  dropping  over  them  a  tear  of  commisera- 
tion. 

DiscoRDANS.  No,  they  never  think  of  the  real  cause, 
but,  with  a  disdainful  sneer,  continue  to  say,  *'  See  how 
they  melt  in  sorrow;  hark  how  they  sigh  and  groan, 
whilst  their  artful  parson  tells  them  a  horrible  story 
about  death  and  judgment,  heaven  and  hell,  salvation 
and  damnation,  with  I  know  not  what.  They  are 
driven  out  of  their  senses  with  such  terrible  doctrine. 
— Who  would  thus  subject  his  conscience  to  the  pe- 
dantry of  these  enthusiastic  bigots,  their  uncharitable 
parsons?" 

Fastosus.  The  fashionable  part  of  the  world  hate  to 
think  of  death  or  judgment,  because  the  very  thought 
would  deprive  their  beloved  pleasures  of  all  their  imagi- 
nary sweetness. 

DiscoRDANS.  That  is  just  the  case,  sir;  for  another  of 
my  friends  says  of  the  above  people,  "  These  ways,  which 
their  parsons  teach  them,  are  enough  to  drive  a  man  out 


212  DIALOGUES 

of  his  senses.  "What  man  of  spirit  could  endure  restraint 
from  all  manner  of  pleasure?  According  to  them,  one 
must  not  so  much  as  play  at  cards,  spend  a  cheerful 
evening  at  the  tavern,  nor  so  much  as  take  a  Sunday's 
airing.  Play-houses,  balls,  and  assemblies,  must  all  be 
laid  aside.  And  pray  how  is  our  time  to  be  spent?  Read 
the  Bible,  truly,  the  most  tiresome  of  books;  pray  the 
one  half  of  their  time,  and,  for  aught  I  know,  hear  ser- 
mons the  other  half  of  it.  What  person  of  any  taste 
could  bear  to  be  bound  to  the  observance  of  such  mea- 
sures? Let  them  read  the  Bible  who  will;  give  me  a 
jjood  play  or  novel,  I  will  have  none  of  their  religion, 
not  L" 

Infidelis.  It  is  true,  plays  and  novels  are  light  read- 
ing, and  well  suited  to  tlie  taste  of  people  abandoned  to 
dissipation.  Nevertheless,  even  people  of  fashion  may,  if 
they  please,  reflect,  that  reading  the  scriptures,  praying, 
and  hearing  sermons,  are  subjects  unfit  for  their  ridicule; 
though,  by  the  way,  I  do  all  I  can  to  promote  this  irre- 
ligion. 

Fastosus.  And  as  for  me,  I  hold  it  good  we  visit  our 
respective  divisions,  to  see  that  the  works  of  darkness 
be  not  neglected,  and  that  we  meet  here  at  the  usual 


OF  DEVILS.  213 


DIALOGUE  XY. 


ALL  THE  DULOGEANS  PRESENT 

Privt  to  their  appointment,  I  watched  in  my  solitary 
retreat,  impatient  for  the  return  of  the  black  fraternity, 
whom  I  always  found  extremely  punctual  among  them- 
selves, and  observant  of  every  appointment,  unless 
some  very  urgent  business  demanded  their  presence 
elsewhere.  At  the  hour  appointed  they  arrived  at  the 
place  of  rendezvous,  and  having  seated  themselves 
on  their  respective  thrones,  the  conversation  was  open- 
ed by 

Fastosus.  I  have  been  thinking  of  the  stupidity  and 
ignorance  of  mankind,  exhibited  in  our  last  interview, 
and  cannot  but  wonder,  however  dark  and  blind,  they  do 
not  see  that  the  very  people  whom  they  censure  as  ene- 
mies to  holiness,  because  they  oppose  salvation  by  works, 
are  the  same  identical  persons  who  are  said  to  be  melan- 
choly with  being  righteous  overmuch.  Reason,  even  un- 
assisted, might  easily  discover  the  palpable  absurdity,  and 
for  the  future  avoid  a  contradiction  so  glaring.  I  would 
have  my  slaves  consistent  with  themselves,  seeing  I  have 
given  them  the  name  of  rationalists.  But  error  will  al- 
ways be  inconsistent.  However,  Discordans,  we  will 
leave  the  blind  sons  of  infidelity  to  hug  themselves  in 
their  fancied  rationality,  and  attend  to  the  remainder  of 
your  story. 

Discordans.  My  sire,  I  am  all  obedience  to  him  who 
alone  could  give  me  being;  and,  to  resume  the  thread  of 
my  story,  would  observe.  That,  strange  as  it  may  seem, 
I  do,  by  the  help  of  these  amazing  glasses,  make  one 
eA'angelical  minister  quarrel  with  another,  and  that  merely 
because  they  do  not  understand  each  other's  manner  of 
expression.  One  man,  for  instance,  will  have  it  that  Im- 
manuel  obtained  his  personality  by  eternal  generation^ 
another  will  have  it  to  be  by  divine  filiation;  and  another 
still  is  content  to  believe  him  to  be  the  only  begotten  of 
the  Father,  without  attempting  to  explain  how,  or  in  what 


214  DIALOGUES 

sense,  he  is  begotten  or  filiated.  All  of  those  three  are 
firm  in  the  belief  of  Immanuel's  sonship,  his  Deity,  and 
mediatorial  capacity,  as  well  as  every  doctrine  of  faith. 
And  yet,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  those  very  men  shall  be 
so  prejudiced  against  one  another,  that  they  cannot  com- 
fortably have  fellowship  together,  but  may  even  prove  in- 
jurious to  each  other's  usefulness:  And  it  may  perhaps  be 
very  difficult  to  determine  which  of  the  three  discovers 
most  of  a  gospel  spirit.  Every  one  is  in  the  right,  and 
infallibly  assured  that  the  other  two  ought  to  come  into 
his  opinion. 

It  is  the  very  same  with  respect  to  diversity  of  gifts. 
One  is  led,  in  a  peculiar  manner,  into  the  doctrines  of 
faith,  well  able  to  state,  define,  and  defend  them  against 
opposition.  Another  is  widely  led  about  in  the  wilderness 
of  temptation  and  affliction,  by  which  he  obtains  peculiar 
talents  in  comforting  the  distressed,  and  pouring  oil  into 
the  bleeding  wounds  of  broken  hearts.  And  a  third  is 
kept  on  the  mount  of  enjoyment:  his  heart  is  kept  warm 
by  a  sense  of  interest;  by  which  enjoyment  he  is  active 
and  lively  in  the  work,  a  zealous  promoter  of  practical 
godliness.  All  of  which  gifts  seem  to  be  essentially  ne- 
cessary to  a  gospel  minister,  and  are  all  by  the  same 
spirit.  And  yet,  would  you  think  it,  these  very  men  shall 
treat  one  another  as  unsound  in  the  faith,  in  one  sense  or 
other?  The  first  is  deemed  a  dead,  dull,  and  useless 
preacher,  whilst,  at  the  same  time,  he  is  effectually  stop- 
ping the  mouths  of  gainsayers.  The  second,  it  is  feared, 
loves  to  be  peculiar,  and  verges  a  little  towards  Antino- 
mianism,  notwithstanding  many  a  feeble  knee  is  strength- 
ened by  his  ministry.  And  the  third  is  a  rambling  in- 
consistent preacher;  notwithstanding,  by  his  instrumen- 
tality, many  are  brought  to  a  sense  of  their  sin  and 
danger. 

Their  quarrels  are  of  great  use  to  our  government,  as 
they  fail  not  to  reproach  Christianity,  stumble  the  weak 
believer,  and  grieve  all  good  men.  But  this  is  not  all. 
You  know  that  two  men  may  have  the  self-same  senti- 
ments in  religion,  and  yet  one  shall  choose  to  express 
himself  in  this  manner,  and  another  in  that,  which  differ- 
ence of  expression  only  may  be  attended  with  very  seri- 
ous consequences,  if  candour  is  not  present  on  the  occa- 
siou.    This  was  the  case  with  Trebonius  and  Theodoru*. 


OF  DEVILS.  215 

Theodorusheard  Trebonius  preach  on  a  particular  occa- 
sion, found  himself  offended  with  some  of  his  expressions, 
and  thought  it  his  duty  to  make  the  preacher  acquainted 
with  it  as  soon  as  possible.  But  as  Trebonius  has  too 
good  an  opinion  of  his  own  attainments  easily  to  retract 
a  saying,  he  vindicated  not  only  the  doctrine,  but  the 
mode  of  expression.  Theodorus  was  now  more  than  ever 
persuaded  that  Trebonius  was  unsound  in  the  faith,  and 
was  not  satisfied  with  verbally  defending  the  truths  of 
the  gospel,  that  is,  his  own  sentiments,  but  commenced 
a  paper  war  with  Trebonius.  His  apology  for  this  step 
was  indeed  artful,  for  he  lugged  in  both  Christ  and  re- 
ligion into  partnership  with  him,  and  under  their  autho- 
rity, or  pretended  authority,  he  did  what  he  could  to 
impeach  the  orthodoxy,  and  mar  the  usefulness  of  Tre- 
bonius. 

When  Trebonius  read  the  performance,  he  found  him- 
self ao;grieved5  and  something  within  him  being  deeply 
wounded,  he  resolved  on  retaliation.  To  work  he  goes: 
First  establishes  his  personal  orthodoxy,  which  he  also 
called  the  gospel  of  Christ;  then  vindicated  his  own 
proceedings,  which,  by  an  happy  turn  of  thought,  he 
also  linked  with  the  honour  of  religion.  Though  the 
truth  is,  neither  the  gospel  of  Christ  nor  the  honour  of 
religion  had  any  concern  at  all  in  the  squabble.  How- 
ever, having  first  set  himself  and  his  doctrine  in  a  re- 
spectable point  of  view,  he  proceeded  diligently  to  search 
out  and  expose  every  blemish  in  the  performance,  and  in 
the  end  did  as  much  for  his  brother  as  he  before  had 
done  for  him.  Thus  those  two  champions  for  the  gospel, 
that  is,  for  their  own  honour,  went  on  exposing  to  the 
public  all  they  were  acquainted  with  of  each  others  weak- 
nesses and  folly;  never  once  suspecting  that  by  so  doing 
each  was  exposing  his  own  want  of  wisdom,  and  a  true 
Christian  spirit.  Meanwhile  the  friends  of  both  were 
exceedingly  concerned,  and  in  Tain  studied  a  reconcilia- 
tion between  them.  But  0  what  pleasure  did  it  afford 
our  society!  And  how  did  Ambitiosus  and  me,  and  other 
jocular  devils,  laugh  at  their  folly  and  childishne-- '— 
From  sources  of  no  greater  ;.  iportance  than  this,  I  as- 
sure you,  most  of  the  quarrels  amongst  professors  arise. 
But  when  the  contention  is  once  begun,  it  is  hard  to  say 
where  it  will  end.    By  these  means  we  get  the  affec- 


216  DIALOGUES 

tions  of  Christians  divided  one  from  another;  and  in- 
stead of  being  mutual  helpers  of  each  other,  as  the  Al- 
mighty designed  them,  we  make  them  mutual  hindrances 
and  burthens:  so  that,  though  we  cannot  indeed  destroy 
them  as  we  would,  we  disturb  and  distract  to  an  amazing 
degree. 

Fastosus.  My  son,  you  would  have  had,  comparative- 
ly, little  advantage  over  these  same  people  but  for  my  in- 
vention of  school  divinity.  That  is  the  great  engine  of 
the  devil  Discordans.  But  for  school  divinity,  you  might 
even  have  retired  to  hell,  or  contented  yourself  with 
doing  business  among  the  laity,  or  in  the  unconverted 
world;  for  if  the  professors  of  religion  were  content  with 
what  is  written  in  the  scripture,  and  chose,  as  much  as 
possible,  to  express  themselves  in  Bible  language,  there 
would  be  such  a  likeness  in  expression,  as  well  as  senti- 
ment, that  veTy  probably  you  would  find  little  to  do 
amongst  them. 

IxFiDELis.  I  doubt  it  not,  sir.  Notwithstanding,  I  must 
assure  you,  my  kingdom  has  su3ered  greatly  by  contro- 
versy. For  nothing  has  a  more  direct  tendency  to  in- 
form the  mind  than  well  managed  controversy.  But 
v/hen  it  springs  from  blind  prejudice,  and  is  carried  on  in 
a  party  spirit,  it  has  a  wonderful  tendency  to  strengthen 
my  interest,  especially  if  the  contending  parties  mu- 
tually agree  to  expose  each  other  as  much  as  possible,  as 
in  the  late  squabble  between  Parson  Home  and  Alder- 
man AVilkes:  and  which  is,  for  the  most  part,  the  prac- 
tice of  polemic  divines.  Those  tvro  important  gentle- 
men, the  parson  and  patriot,  gave  as  much  pleasure  to 
the  court  party,  by  flinging  rogue  and  atheist  at  each 
other,  with  so  much  patriotic  zeal,  as  some  divines,  in 
their  polemic  writings,  have  given  the  devil,  by  throw- 
ing heretic,  Arminian,  Calvinist.  Antinomian.  «&:c.in  each 
other's  faces.  Few  divines  can  dispute  without  calling 
uaines. 

Discordans.  I  have  before  now  stirred  up  a  spirit  of 
jealousj"  between  a  minister  and  his  people,  and  between 
one  minister  and  another,  in  a  manner  inexpressibly 
masterly.  For  example,  about  a  century  ago,  the  accu- 
rate Camillus  preached  an  excellent  sermon  at  Potheina, 
which  was  heard  by  several  of  the  people  to  whom  Ju- 
nitts  was  pastor;  and  they,  being  greatly  affected  with 


OF  DEVILS.  £17 

(he  seasonableness  of  the  subject,  and  the  practical 
manner  in  which  it  was  handleti,  invited  Camillus  to 
visit  them,  and  preach  in  Junius'a  pulpit,  not  doubting 
but  it  would  be  altogether  agreeable  to  their  beloved 
pastor.  Full  of  the  sermon,  when  they  came  home, 
thej  could  not  help  making  Junius  partaker  of  their 
pleasure.  They  expatiated  largely  upon  the  excellency 
of  his  method,  the  fertility  of  his  illustration,  and  the 
propriety  of  his  application;  all  of  which  they  did 
not  doubt  but  Junius  would  admire  as  much  as  them- 
selves. But  this  was  not  precisely  the  case.  Junius 
could  not  help  being  sensibly  affected  with  what  he  had 
heard;  but  prudence  forbid  him  to  deny  Camillus  his 
pulpit. 

When  retired,  and  reflecting  on  what  had  passed,  he 
strongly  suspected  that  his  own  honour  was  injured,  by  his 
people's  high  encomiums  on  Camillus's  sermon.  *'jMy 
people,  said  he,  allege  they  never  heard  such  an  excellent 
Eermon  as  that  which  Camillus  preached.  It  is  some- 
thing strange  that  this  one  sermon  should  affect  them 
more  than  all  my  seven  years'  preaching  among  them.  I 
never  heard  them  say  half  so  much  about  any  sermon  of 
mine.  It  shows  a  great  want  of  affection  and  respect  to 
me,  as  their  own  minister,  1  conceive;  and  they  shall 
hear  of  it  at  a  time  convenient." 

Fastosus.  With  Junius's  leave,  I  think  he  discovers  a 
love  of  praise,  which  is  by  no  means  the  off'?pring  of  an 
humble  spirit.  He  would  rather  be  flattered,  than  his 
people  should  be  silent  in  his  commendation.  But  the 
judicious  seldom  think  it  prudent  to  say  much  in  praise 
of  any  person  to  his  face,  how  well  soever  they  may  be 
affected  towards  him;  and  that  for  two  very  good  rea- 
sons. 1.  Such  commendation  has  not  a  little  the  ap- 
pearance of  flattery,  honever  sincere  it  may  be  in  the 
party  who  bestows  it.  2.  There  are  but  few  who  are 
able  to  bear  much  commendation,  without  sustaining 
damage  by  it.  A  man  must  be  led  deeply  into  an  ac- 
<juaintance  with  his  own  nothingness  and  insufficiency, 
before  he  can  bear  to  be  praised  and  caressed.* 

*  It  is  a  very  common  thing,   in  gospel  churches,  that  if  they 
have  a  member  of  more  usefulness  than  others,  they  exalt  and  ex- 
tol him  above  his  measure,  so  that  he  becomes  elated  with  self-con- 
ceit; and  in  the  issue,  when  he  cannot  carry  every  point  his  own 
19 


S18  DIALOGUES 

Infidelis.  That  is  true,  brother;  and  yet  people  may 
err  even  on  that  hand,  and  be  cautious  overmuch;  for,  fear 
of  puffing  him  up  by  unseasonable  commendation,  may 
depress  the  spirits  of  their  minister,  by  withholding  from 
him  that  countenance  and  encouragement  which  his  spirit 
and  circumstances  require. 

People  are,  in  all  things,  given  to  extremes;  and  either 
a  minister  is  carest  and  almost  adored  as  an  unparalleled 
person,  or  he  has  little  or  no  notice  taken  of  him.  I 
remember  a  remarkable  instance  of  this  in  the  last  cen- 
tury. There  was  an  independent  church,  who,  having  a 
minister  of  a  lively  address,  and  sound  doctrine,  one 
who  bid  fair  for  great  usefulness  among  them;  yet  a  li- 
neal descendant  of  the  great  Diotrephes,  who  loved  to 
have  the  pre-eminence,  and  one  who  chose  to  direct  them 
in  all  the  concerns  of  life,  in  their  families,  in  their  busi- 
ness, as  well  as  in  the  church.  To  his  government  they 
yielded  themselves  implicitly,  and  almost  adored  the 
ground  upon  which  he  trode.  AVith  caresses  and  favours 
they  loaded  him,  nntil  they  had  raised  him  to  the  very 
height  of  self-sufficiency  and  importance;  from  which 
they  themselves  at  last  assisted  to  cast  him  down;  and 
the  contempt  they  poured  upon  him  pretty  nearly  e- 
qualled  their  former  caresses.  After  him  they  had  an- 
other, of  an  almost  contrary  disposition.  He  had  but  a 
very  mean  opinion  of  his  own  abilities,  either  for  preach- 
ing or  governing.  He  had  such  constant  acquaintance 
with  the  power  of  his  own  corruptions,  that  he  was  com- 
monly low  and  depressed  in  spirit.  He  never  assumed 
any  superiority  over  even  the  meanest  member,  firmly 
believing  himself  to  be  the  vilest  and  most  unworthy 
sinner  of  the  whole  community:  he  stood  in  need  of  all 
encouragement  possible,  in  order  to  hearten  him  for  his 
work.  Yet  the  same  people,  who  had  destroyed  the' 
former  with  unseasonable  kindness,  suffered  the  latter 
to  drag  on  heavily  all  his  days,  so  that  from  them  he 
seldom  or  never  heard  of  his  word  having  been  made 
useful;  and  I  suppose  must  have  sunk  under  his  dis- 

way,  he  turns  against  his  former  caressers,  and  becomes  the  scourge 
of  the  community.  In  this  the  righteous  judgment  of  God  is  ma- 
nifest, who  will  have  all  men  to  appear  in  their  native  nothingness 
and  emptiness,  unworthy  of  the  trust  and  dependence  of  one 
another. 


OF  DEVILS.  S19 

couragements,  if  strangers,  who  afterwards  came  into 
the  church,  had  not  been  more  free  with  him  in  discover- 
ing some  degree  of  aSectionate  regard.  Different  spirits 
will  require  different  usage,  in  order  to  preserve  their 
usefulness:  What  was  death  to  the  former  of  those  min- 
isters, would  have  been  life  and  vigour  to  the  latter;  and 
what  so  exceedingly  weakened  the  hands  of  the  latter, 
would  in  all  probability  have  been  the  preservation  of  the 
former.     But  we  forget  parson  Junius,  cousin. 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  Junius  would  have  his  own  humour; 
and,  accordingly,  when  the  time  came  that  Camillus 
made  his  visit,  any  person  attentive  to  Junius's  behaviour 
might  easily  find  that  his  friend's  room  would,  to  him, 
have  been  more  agreeable  than  his  company,  notwith- 
standing, for  decency^s  sake,  he  forced  himself  to  carry 
it  to  him  with  some  degree  of  seeming  civility:  1  say 
seeming,  for  even  christian  people  have  not  as  yet  learn- 
ed to  be  exactly,  on  all  occasions,  what  they  seem.  But 
Camillus  is  a  sagacious  man,  and  soon  perceived  Ju- 
nius's coldness,  through  all  his  formal  civility  and  seem- 
ing deference,  lie  began  to  question  with  himself  from 
.whence  this  coldness  might  have  proceeded?  In  what  he 
might  have  given  offence?  But  never  dreams  that  jealousy 
is  at  the  bottom.  Is  he  not  ofiended  with  my  doctrine? 
said  he  to  himself.  What  can  be  the  meaning  of  this 
distant  carriage  of  his?  What  have  I  done  or  said  that 
might  give  him  umbrage?  So  Camillus  reasoned,  but 
hit  not  upon  the  real  cause.  And  as  Camillus  is  some- 
what fond  of  his  own  sentiments,  though  a  man  inferior 
to  few  who  are  accounted  good  and  religious,  he  could 
not  help  being  in  doubt  about  the  orthodoxy  of  his 
friend.  By  these  means,  happily  invented  by  me,  this 
well  designed  visit,  instead  of  answering  the  valuable 
ends  of  promoting  religious  friendship,  rather  tended,  by 
my  intervention,  to  alienate  their  aftections  from  each 
other. 

Junius  would  still  have  his  own  humour,  and  from  that 
clay  forward  discovered  a  shyness  to  those  who  seemed 
most  delighted  with  Camillus;  and  when  occasion  offer- 
ed, he  did  not  spare  bestowing  on  them  what  is  called  a 
dry  rub. 

This  was  not  all;  for  Junius  could  not  leave  his  preju- 
dice behind  him  when  he  went  to  the  pulpit,  where  he 


£20  DIALOGUES 

adapted  his  discourses  accordinjilj.  On  the  other  haniT, 
his  people  could  easily  see  he  was  not  in  his  usual  spirit; 
and  thej  concluded  thatthej  had  given  him  no  just  cause 
of  often ce. 

Mean  while  both  parties  mutually  watched  each  other's 
words  and  deportment.  If  Junius  happened  to  speak 
any  thing  harsh,  either  from  the  pulpit  or  in  common 
conversation,  it  was  said  to  proceed  from  a  bad  spirit. 
On  the  other  hand,  if  any  of  them  happened  to  object 
to  any  thing  spoken  by  him,  he  immediately  concluded, 
either  that  liis  people  were  ])rejudiced  against  him,  or 
did  not  love  sound  doctrine;  for  lie  had  not  a  doubt  of  the 
soundness  and  truth  of  his  own  doctrine.  And  so  they 
went  on,  until,  in  the  issue,  there  was  a  final  separation. 
Behold,  gentlemen,  how  great  a  fire  a  little  spark  of  mj 
nature  kindleth.  Every  well-wisher  to  the  Beelzebubian 
government  mujt  acknowledge  that  the  devil  Discordans 
merits  great  applause. 

Fastosus.  1  speak  for  the  rest,  my  son,  and  own  that 
your  usefulness  is  of  great  extent.  I  persuade  myself  your 
royal  grandfather  will  well  reward  you,  by  giving  you 
eternal  duration  among  the  people  of  the  nether  regions; 
for  certainly  your  achievements  merit  the  greatest  esteem. 
\Vhy,  my  son,  you  make  the  Nazarenes  weak  as  other 
men. 

DiscoRDAxs.  After  all,  I  assure  you,  at  certain  times, 
I  have  hard  work  of  it.  I  mean  when  Mr.  Submission, 
my  avowed  enemy,  and  me,  happen  to  meet.  This  Sub- 
mission is  one  of  Immanuel's  own  children,  a  very  great 
peace- maker,  therefore  his  business  is  directly  opposite 
to  mine;  and  although  I  hate  him,  I  must  say  he  is  one 
of  the  meekest  persons  upon  earth.  Never  is  he  known 
to  quarrel  with  any  person,  except  myself.  And  1  con- 
fess, that  in  every  scuffle  with  him  hitherto  I  have  had 
the  worst  of  it;  but.  I  thank  my  stars,  it  is  very  seldom  I 
meet  with  him.  When  we  do  meet,  meek  as  he  is,  I  am 
quite  nonplussed,  and  am  obliged  either  to  flee,  which  I 
abhor,  or  to  fall  before  him,  which  is  yet  a  greater  morti- 
fication to  a  spirit  so  noble  as  I  am. 

Infidelis.  So  then,  cousin,  I  perceive  you  are  as  ill 
put  to  it  when  you  meet  with  Submission,  as  I  am  when 
I  encounter  his  elder  brother  Fides.  Fides  is  a  warrior 
with  whom  1  have  maintained  a  very  long,  though  not 


OF  DEVILS.  221 

doubtful  war;  not  doubtful,  because  I  am  worsted  assure 
as  ever  I  eater  the  lists  witi)  him.  With  great  facility  I 
can  overturn  the  power  of  every  oiher  heavenly  chieftain; 
but  this  fellow,  this  same  Fides,  is  IirinianuePs  champion, 
and  has  performed  the  most  unparalleled  achievements; 
such  achievements  as  never  were  performed  by  any  hero 
besides  liimself.  He  hath  subdued  king(h)ms,  wrought 
righteousness,  obtained  promises,  stopped  the  mouti-.s  of 
lions,  quenched  the  violence  of  fire,  escaped  tiie  edge  cf 
the  sword,  out  of  weakness  hath  made  people  strong, 
causing  even  from  fainting  to  wax  valiant  in  fight,  turn- 
ing to  flight  the  armies  of  the  aliens.  He  hatii  given  to 
women  their  dead  children  again,  sustained  others  under 
the  most  cruel  toitures,  in  such  a  mani^er,  that  they 
would  not  accept  of  deliverance:  gave  a  good  report  of 
the  promised  laud,  to  those  ancient  worthies,  who  walk- 
ed about  in  sheep  skins  and  goat  skins,  destitute,  afilicted, 
and  tormented,  of  whom,  notwithstanding  they  lodged 
in  dens  and  caves  of  the  earth,  the  world  itself  was  un- 
deserving. 

These  are  a  specimen  of  his  achievements.  But  great 
and  heroic  as  he  is,  he  finds  that  1  aUo  am  of  noble 
deeds;  a  spirit  not  easily  rendered  inactive,  and  more 
difficult  still  entirely  to  subdue.  Although  he  has  the 
promise  of  the  most  complete  victory  in  tlie  end,  I  put 
him  to  exert  his  utmost;  for  when,  to  appearance,  1  am 
dead  as  a  pebble,  and  Fides  has  the  sole  pre-eminence 
in  the  soul  of  man,  I  play  reynard  with  him,  and 
feign  myself  dead,  in  order  to  escape  the  vengeance  of 
his  arm. 

in  time  he  finds  out  my  deceit;  for  T  watch  the  oppor- 
tunity when  he  is  in  the  very  heiglit  of  a  paroxysm,  and 
can  scarcely  breathe.  He  is  exceedingly  troubled  widi 
fits,  which  will  sometimes  hold  him  for  a  lor.g  time  to- 
gether, and  in  which  you  would  take  him  to  be  wholly 
dead.  Then  I  take  the  advantage,  and  rise  upon  hini 
with  all  my  powers,  and  beat  and  bruise  him,  until  life 
begins  to  return,  which  is  not  always  of  a  sudden.  But 
when  he  feels  the  weight  cf  my  arm,  and  the  smart  of  the 
wounds  v^'hich  I  inflict  on  him,  his  spirit  returns  to  re- 
newed vigour;  he  unlocks  the  magazines  of  grace,  and 
brings  forth  such  implements  of  war  as  1  am  [!ot  able  to 
stand  against;  so  that  before  he  is  well  out  of  his  ui  he  is 


222  DIALOGUES 

a3  strong  as  ever.  At  other  times  he  is  a  long  while  be- 
fore he  is  freed  from  the  effects  of  his  tits;  weakness,  in- 
disposition, and  langour,  hang  upon  him  for  many  months; 
at  which  time  he  receives  no  mercy  at  the  hand  of  Infi- 
delis. 

This  fellow  is  of  the  most  amazing  constitution;  for 
whereas,  on  one  hand,  idleness  never  fails  to  throw  him 
into  a  lethargy,  so,  on  the  other,  hard  labour,  severe 
conflicts,  and  cruel  buffetings,  never  fail  to  make  him 
strong  and  vigorous;  and  what  is  very  remarkable  in  it- 
self, but  very  unlucky  for  me,  is,  that  the  more  he  is 
beaten  and  bruised,  the  stronger  he  grows;  and  these 
fits,  in  which  you  would  take  him  to  be  just  a  dying, 
it  is  said,  only  tend  to  make  him  the  more  robust  and 
lively;  which  is  the  reason  that,  although  I  frequently 
put  him  to  great  pain,  I  am  always  uiacomiited  in  the 
issue. 

However,  gentle  friends,  you  must  allovr,  when  circum- 
stances are  considered,  my  vulour  will,  at  least,  tqual,  if 
not  prove  superior,  to  that  of  Fides.  He  fights  under  a 
certain  assurance  of  victory,  and  knows,  of  a  truth,  that 
in  the  end  he  shall  be  more  than  conqueror;  I  as  well 
know  that  I  shall  be  discomfited,  which  would  dishearten 
any  besides  myself.  Yet,  notwithstanding  the  discour- 
agement, I  give  him  many  a  vigorous  turn  for  it  ere  I 
desist,  and  foully  trip  up  his  heels  oftener  than  thrice. 
Even  when  I  have  him  down,  sprawling  and  gasping  for 
life,  I  am  conscious  he  will  afterwards  renew  his  strength, 
and  give  me  a  most  severe  drubbing;  and  that  his  victo- 
rious hand  shall,  in  the  end,  put  a  period  to  the  days  of 
great  Infidelis.  Yet  this  nobie  principle  of  royal  malice 
prompts  me  on,  and  I  will  not  yield  a  hair's  breadth 
whilst  life  endures.  O  the  fearful  combats  1  could  relate 
which  I  have  had  with  this  heavenly  champion,  this  same 
Fides! 

Fastosus.  We  shall  be  glad  to  hear  of  them,  my 
brother,  at  another  time;  but  at  present,  if  agreeable,  [ 
should  like  you  to  resume  the  story,  part  of  v/hich  we 
have  already  had,  respecting  the  progress  of  your  king- 
dom. 

Infidelis.  You  have  already  heard  how  agreeable  to 
his  holiness  my  instructions  were,  as  also  of  the  laws  by 
which  the  whole  system  of  religion  was  inverted,  and 


OF  DEVILS.  S2S 

how  the  pirtus  priest  had  invested  himself  with  the  per- 
fections of  Deitj.  1  knew  that  the  introduction  of  this 
new  Christianity  might  be  attended  with  some  difficulty, 
therefore  advised  his  holiness,  the  father  of  the  world,  to 
deify  some  others  as  well  as  himself;  but,  at  the  same 
time,  lest  his  supremacy  should  be  in  any  wi^e  infringed, 
to  take  care  tha.t  none  should  be  deilied  until  after  iheir 
death,  and  that  only  with  an  inferior  rank  of  godship. 
He  took  my  advice,  canonized  a  vast  number  under  the 
title  of  saints,  and  ordained  masses  to  be  said  to  them 
out  of  his  own  newly  composed  Bible:  For  the  old 
Bible,  in  use  anions;  primitive  Christians,  having  its 
laws  so  contrary  to  those  of  the  pope,  was,  by  his  au- 
thority, made  null  and  void;  and  Rome,  once  the  mis- 
tress of  the  world,  became  the  mother  of  harlots;  once 
more  the  seat  of  paganism.  But,  for  distinction's  sake, 
we  call  the  latter  Christian-pagans;  because  they  exer- 
cise all  their  villany  under  the  specious  show  of  Chris- 
tianity. 

In  order  to  support  the  Christian  pantheon  worship, 
slaughter-houses  were  built,  and  called  holy  inquisitions; 
where  every  one  who  vv'as  known  to  deny  the  supremacy 
and  infcdlibility  of  his  holiness  the  pope,  or  so  much  as 
harbour  a  suspicion  concerning  the  papal  faith,  was  treat- 
ed with  as  little  mercy  as  if  he  had  been  in  hell.  By 
these  means  people  were  kept  in  the  most  dreadful  awe; 
so  that  if  any  man  happened  to  be  intelligent  enough  to 
see  through  the  cheat,  he  v/as  obliged  to  keep  his  mind 
to  himself,  well  knowing  that  one  word  spoken  against 
the  lucrative  faith  of  the  priests  would  have  ensured  his 
certain  death,  by  means  t'ne  most  barbarous  and  cruel. 
By  this  anuazing  subtility  of  priestcraft,  with  the  ut- 
most security  they  carried  on  their  villany,  under  the 
mask  of  sanctity,  for  many  centuries,  and  all  Europe 
trembled  at  the  indignation  of  the  priesthood.  For  by 
means  of  my  brother's  medals,  and  titles  of  ecclesiastical 
dignity,  together  with  my  blinding  influence,  the  va- 
rious orders  of  reverend  fathers  clave  as  fast  to  his  holi- 
ness, as  scales  to  one  another  on  the  impenetrable  back 
of  leviathan. 

Yet,  terrible  as  the  priesthood  were,  they  could  not  to- 
tally prevent  the  light  of  the  gospel  shining,  less  or  more, 
in  some  parts  of   Christendom,    especially  in  Britain,"^ 


£34  DIALOGUES 

where  Wlckllffe  and  his  disciples  gave  their  reverence§ 
no  small  uneasiness;  for  which  they  poured  vengeance 
upon  his  bones  fortj  years  after  his  demisie.  This  same 
scripture  light,  kindled  in  England  by  Wickliffe-s  min- 
istry, spread  itself  to  the  continent,  where  first  John 
Huss  and  Jerome  of  Prague  galled  the  sides  of  popish 
prelates;  for  which  the  very  pious  council  of  Constance 
first  recommended  them  to  the  care  of  the  devil  by  ex- 
communication, and  then,  in  the  name  of  the  God  of 
mercy,  condemned  them  to  be  burned  to  death  for  be- 
lieving tlie  Bible.  It  is  amazing  to  think  with  what  dex- 
terity they  have  lugged  in  the  name  of  the  Almighty,  to 
EancVify  their  murders  on  all  occa*^ions. 

About  a  century  after  tliis,  a  very  strict  inquiry  after 
truth  be^an,  by  the  instrumentality  of  John  Calvin  and 
Martin  Luther,  two  avowed  enemies  to  popish  wicked- 
ness. This  revival  of  religion  was  very  alarming  to  the 
priests  of  Rome,  and  very  injurious  to  my  government 
His  infallible  holiness,  insti^iated  by  the  devil  Crudelis, 
A'oted  their  immediate  destruction,  by  tire  ami  fagot,  by 
poison,  assassination,  or  any  way;  for  there  is  nothing 
dreaded  by  this  same  vicar  of  Christ,  so  much  as  the 
spreading  of  gospel  knowledge. 

These  measures,  however,  I  withstood;  having,  from 
past  experience,  found  that  coercive  measures  are  by  no 
means  the  most  likely  to  reduce  professors  of  religion  to 
the  obedience  of  infidelity:  and  I  thought  it  better  to 
send  the  devil  Discordans  to  visit  them.,  with  instructions 
to  make  them  quarrel  about  the  forms  of  religion.  Thii 
I  took  to  be  the  most  likely  method  to  invalidate  the 
testimony  of  both,  and  to  bafHe  and  confound  their  fol- 
lowers. This  was  done,  and  they  jarred  exceedingly 
about  circumstantials;  but  do  what  we  would,  they 
spake  of  the  doctrines  which  are  absolutely  necessary  to 
salvation  with  perfect  uniformity,  which  greatly  frus- 
trated our  dark  designs;  and  this  fire  of  reformation,  so 
lately  fanned,  bv  degrees  spread  itself  on  the  Continent, 
and  *in  Groat  Britain,  where  it  arose  ia  the  days  of 
Wickliffe. 

The  pope  and  me,  being  loth  to  give  up  the  govern- 
ment we  hai  always  been  accustomed  to  have  in  thesa 
nations,  did  what  we  could  to  stifle  the  reformation:  Bat, 
alas!  it  went  on  with  rapidity  in  the  days  of  Edward, 


OF  DEVILS.  225 

and  might  have  made  greater  advances  than  It  has  ever 
yet  done,  if,  luckily  fur  his  holiness  and  me,  that  prince 
had  not  been  taken  awav  in  early  life.  Mary,  being  a 
princess  just  fitted  to  our  turn,  no  sooner  ascended  the 
throne,  than  I  flew  to  England,  accompanied  by  the 
devil  Crudelis,  resolving,  at  all  events,  to  crush  with 
oppression  all  who  rebelled  against  me  and  his  holi- 
ness. To  this  salutary  purpose  were  transported,  from 
the  pope's  arsenal,  abundance  of  hempen  cord,  and 
fagots  beyond  number,  that  we  might  obli^re  the  people 
to  renounce  Jesus  Christ,  and  worship  his  Romish  infal- 
libility. 

There  were,  in  those  days,  two  lusty  bisliops,  right 
reverend  tyrants  of  the  devil,  Bonner  of  London,  and 
Gardiner  of  Winchester,  who  hearing  of  our  arrival, 
came,  Equipped  in  their  prelatic  robes,  to  do  us  greet- 
ing, and  bid  us  welcome  to  the  Biitish  shore.  This 
brace  of  right  reverend  prelates  we  appointed  prime  in- 
quisitors in  matters  of  faith,  and  principal  agents  of  our 
intended  cruelty.  Indeed  none  that  ever  sustained  the 
office  of  priest  ever  were  more  trusty  friends  to  the 
government  of  Rome  and  hell  than  were  those  worthj 
prelates. 

The  vigilant  devil  Crudelis  ceased  not,  day  or  night, 
from  persecuting  the  saint*,  so  that  many  of  the  ring- 
leaders of  the  sect  of  the  Nazarenes  were  apprehended, 
tried,  condemned,  and  tormented  to  death  at  a  stake; 
such  as  archbishop  Craumer,  bishops  Hooper,  Latimer, 
Ridley,  &c.  But  as  it  happened  in  former  persecutions, 
60  it  fell  out  in  this,  the  ashes  of  burned  saints  proved 
such  fertilizing  manure  to  the  church,  thai,  in  defiance 
both  of  hell  and  the  pope,  the  detested  Nazarenes  be- 
came by  far  more  numerous.  Wherefore,  if  our  friend 
Mary,  of  zealous  and  scarlet  memory,  had  not  been 
summoned  hence  to  receive  her  reward,  the  poor  devil 
Crudelis  must  necessai-ily  have  desisted,  m.erely  from  in- 
cessant and  unsuccessful  fatigue,  and  the  Nazarenea 
would  have  obtained  rest  solely  from  our  desperation. 

But  when  Immanuel  beheld  such  havoc  made  of  his 
church,  and  so  many  places  bathed  with  sanctified  blood, 
his  wrath  took  the  alarm;  in  his  judgment,  he  cut  down 
the  zealous  queen  and  her  tw(>  trusty  bishops,  and  raised 
queen  Betsy  to  the  throne  of  England.    Now  the  sword 


Zit  DIALOGUES 

of  persecution  was  wrested  from  the  hands  of  the  papists, 
and  the  good  people  of  the  church  of  England  did  for 
the  puritans  what  the  zealous  papists  had  done  for  them 
during  the  reign  of  queen  Mary.  This  same  queen 
Elizabeth  was  a  great  zealot  for  high  church,  and  a 
vigorous  nurse  of  episcopacy:  but  the  Brownists,  and 
other  dissenters,  felt  the  full  weight  of  her  regal  venge- 
ance. I  hap])i!y  prevailed,  unexpectedly,  with  the  di- 
vines of  the  established  church  to  retain  the  more  re- 
fined parts  of  the  popish  system,  which  those  men,  who 
were  for  a  more  thorough  reformation,  both  in  doctrine 
and  discipline,  could  not  comply  with;  and,  for  their 
non-compliance,  we  taught  them  that  the  arm  of  epis- 
copacy is  every  whit  as  heavy  as  that  of  popery,  when 
it  is  exerted  for  the  good  of  the  church.  And,  for  my 
own  part,  I  prompted  their  reverences  to  coercive 
measures,  being  very  apprehensive  that  the  reforma- 
tion might  have  been  carried  on  farther  than  it  really 
was. 

AvARO.  And  I  assure  you  I  myself  was  not  idle  in 
those  days,  but  played  my  game  into  the  hands  of  great 
Infidelis.  I  met  their  lordships  the  prelates  (I  shall  ne- 
ver forget  it)  in  full  convocation,  and  reasoned  with  them 
on  the  intended  reformation,  and  unto  my  arguments 
they  lent  a  willing  and  attentive  ear.  '*  Well,  gentle- 
men,*' said  I,  "do  you  intend  to  come  to  a  thorough  re- 
formation then,  and  reduce  Christianity  to  its  primitive 
simplicity?  Have  you  ccin?idered,  gentlemen,  that  in  so 
doing  you  must  lose  your  princely  revenues,  and  descend 
to  a  level  with  plain  Peter,  Paul,  and  Barnabas,  which 
must  needs  be  a  very  mortifying  step  to  some  of  you. — 
Recollect,  I  pray  you,  how  long  your  present  profits  and 
dignities  have  been  enjoyed  by  your  predecessors  in  your 
several  sees.  Long  before  Christianity  was  known  in 
Britain,  even  beyond  the  ken  of  history,  this  nation  w^as 
divided,  into  the  several  bishoprics  and  archbishoprics  by 
you  enjoyed.  Through  all  the  ages  of  popery,  the  same 
division  of  the  nation  into  archflaminries  and"  flaminries, 
continued  under  their  present  denominations;  and  will 
you  discover  such  a  degree  of  mortification,  as  to  give  up 
the  profits  annexed  to  your  ecclesiastical  dignities.^  That 
were  to  show,  indeed,  that  protestant  bishops  have  less 
providence  than  pagan  flamins.    Yet,  if  you  are  deter- 


OF  DEVILS.  S&r 

mined  to  purge  your  religion  from  every  relict  of  poperj, 
your  profits,  gentlemen,  must  be  parted  with,  your  reve- 
nues must  be  enjoyed  no  more;  and  how  will  this  be 
relished  by  your"  By  such  sensible  and  seasonable  re- 
monstrances I  won  greatly  upon  the  minds  of  their  lord- 
shipsj  and,  in  the  issue,  it  was  resolved,  that  rather  than 
part  with  their  dignities  and  revenues,  they  should  sub- 
mit to  many  things,  which  have  no  foundation  in  scrip- 
ture. 

Fastosus.  You  bring  to  my  mind,  cousin  Avaro,  the 
reception  I  met  with  by  the  dignitaries  of  the  ancient 
church,  on  the  distribution  of  the  forementioned  medals. 
I  went,  attired  in  my  robes  of  state,  to  deliver  one  of  my 
archiepiscopalian  medals  to  a  certain  priest,  whom  I  in- 
stantly created  *'  His  grace  and  most  reverend."  He 
mumbled  over  to  himself  several  times,  "  most  reverend, 
his  grace,"  viewing  the  medal  with  the  closest  attention. 
It  is,  it  is,  said  he,  a  very  soft  and  agreeable  mode  of 
address.  Most  reverend;  his  grace.  Yes,  my  lord,  said 
I,  it  is  very  musical,  and  what  I  myself  only  am  capable 
of  composing.  A  mode  of  address  very  becoming  the 
dignity  of  an  archbishop.  Humble  preachers,  such  as 
Peter,  Paul,  Timothy,  and  Titus,  might  be  very  welt 
contented,  without  being  their  graces,  and  most  reverend; 
for  they  were  not,  as  you  are,  courtiers,  clothed  in  soft 
raiment.  But  for  a  spiritual  courtier,  for  the  primate  of 
a  province,  to  prostitute  his  name  to  vulgar  mouths, 
would  be  highly  unbecoming,  would  greatly  eclipse  the 
honours  of  your  elevated  station.  '•  But,  worthy  sir,  re- 
turned he,  you  know  this  is  a  very  censorious  world  in 
which  we  live,  and  some  people  may  be  wicked  enough 
to  suppose  that  such  a  title  as  his  grace  does  not  so  well 
become  a  man  whose  breath  is  in  his  nostrils,  and  I  may 
be  censured  as  ambitious."  I  hope,  my  lord,  replied  I, 
you  will  not  meditate  too  much  on  the  gloomy  subject  of 
mortality,  or  that  will  make  your  dignity  cumbersome 
indeed.  Honours  fade,  sir,  on  the  prospect  of  the  grave. 
As  to  your  being  censured,  as  proud  and  ambitious,  I 
hold  the  contrary;  it  will  be  deemed  essential  to  your 
high  estate;  and  the  use  of  the  Bible  being  prohibited, 
the  laity  will  not  know  but  your  order  is  of  apostolical 
institution.    Besides,  there  is  my  lord  duke  enjoys  the 


t28  DIALOGUES 

same  title  of  address  with  your  grace;  so  that,  instead 
of  being  censured  as  proud  and  anlichristian,  all  ranks 
of  people  will  revere  you  the  more  for  it;  especially  as 
it  will  make  you  a  fit  companion  for  princes.  The  no- 
bility will  consider  you  as  their  superior,  inasmuch  as  a 
spiritual  duke  is  superior  to  a  temporal;  so  that,  in  the 
church,  your  seat  will  be  next  to  the  cardinal's,  and  in 
the  senate  house,  next  to  the  prince  liimself.  The  gentry 
%vill  f.iwn  upon  you,  spaniel-like,  in  order  to  obtain  pre- 
ferment fur  younger  sons,  and  the  vulgar  will  adore  you 
as  a  demi-god. 

I  would  farther  advise  you,  to  lay  aside  preaching  to 
the  vulgar  race,  and  apply  yourself  wholly  to  affairs  of 
state,  unless  called  to  it,  may  be,  once  in  seven  years,  to 
preach  to  the  king  and  his  nobles.  ''  Aye,  replied  the 
worthy  prelate,  but  how  shall  I  dispense  with  the  obliga- 
tions I  am  under,  as  a  bishop,  to  meditate  on  these  things, 
to  give  myself  wholly  to  the  ministry  of  the  word  and 
prayer:  yea,  to  be  instant  in  preaching  the  word,  in  sea- 
son and  out  of  season?"  Oh,  sir,  replied  I,  you  need  be 
under  no  concern  about  that.  *^  Surely,  sir,  that  is  the 
duty  of  a  bishop,"  replied  he.  Yes,  very  true,  said  I;  the 
duty  of  bishops  such  as  were  in  the  apostles'  days;  such 
bishops  as  are  appointed  in  the  New  Testament.  But 
what  has  that  to  do  with  a  diocesan  bishop,  or  an  arch- 
bishop, of  whom  you  yourself  are  the  first.  There  were 
none  of  them,  you  knov/,  in  the  apostles'  days;  none  ap- 
pointed in  the  word  of  God.  And  therefore  the  laws 
which  bind  scriptural  bishops  to  obedience,  can  have  no 
manner  of  power  over  you,  as  diocesans;  much  less  can  a 
metropolitan,  such  a  bishop  as  the  apostles  never  thought 
of,  be  under  any  such  injunctions.  Surely  your  grace 
must  know  that  a  lord  bishop,  or  a  gracious  metropolitan, 
must  have  enough  to  do  without  preaching  the  gospel.  Yet 
if  these  things  are  not  sufficient  to  remove  the  scruples  of 
your  mind,  and  you  should  still  have  a  notion  that  preach- 
ing is  a  duty  incumbent  on  you,  I  can  put  you  in  a  way  to 
satisfy  your  conscience,  without  abating  any  thing  of  your 
greatness. 

**  Pray,  sir,  be  so  kind,"  said  he.  May  it  please  your 
grace,  replied  I,  it  is  neither  more  nor  less  than  to  preach 
By  pr»xy,  as  people  plead  their  causes  ia  a  court  of  judi- 


OF  DEVILS.  229 

eature.  You  know  it  is  the  same  in  effect,  whether  you 
preach  in  person  or  by  proxy,  so  that  your  numerous  flock 
have  preaching  enough. 

Farther,  with  your  grace's  leave,  I  do  not  think  it  be- 
coming your  dignity  even  to  say  prayers  in  your  own 
family.  How  far  beneath  the  character  of  such  a  spi- 
ritual dignitary,  to  be  down  on  his  knees  amidst  his 
servants,  worshipping  his  maker  I  Let  me  advise  you, 
either  to  lay  aside  family  worship  altogether,  or  have  it 
performed  by  a  cliaplain.  This  will  have  two  very  great 
advantages  attending  it.  1.  It  will  save  your  grace  a 
great  deal  of  hard  and  unpleasant  labour.  And,  2.  It 
will  make  your  grace's  piety  to  be  admired  by  the  vulgar. 
Methinks  I  hear  one  say  to  another,  "  What  a  good 
man  is  my  lord,  the  archbishop  I  For,  although  he  is 
too  high  for  saying  prayers  himself,  or  has  got  so  much 
that  he  has  no  need  to  pray,  he  gives  a  good  salary  to 
Mr.  Honeylip,  duly  to  perform  the  offices  of  religion  in 
his  stead.*' 

All  this  while  the  good  archbishop  continued  absorbed 
in  thought,  and,  awaking  as  from  a  trance,  he  said, 
with  astonishment  glowing  on  his  countenance,  "  Sir, 
you  amaze  me  I  vSo  pertinent  your  counsel,*  so  per- 
suasive your  address.  You  have  more  than  half  brought 
me  over  to  your  opinion,  as  my  future  conduct  will  tes- 

tify.'\ 

Having  succeeded,  even  beyond  expectation,  with  his 
grace  the  archbishop,  I  waited  immediately  on  all  the 
diocesans  within  the  pontifical  jurisdiction,  and  took 
the  most  likely  measures  to  bring  them  over  to  our  in- 
terest. 

1.  I  persuaded  them,  as  I  had  done  the  archbishop 
before  them,  that  the  worldly  grandeur  with  which  I  and 
his  holiness  had  invested  them  was  certainly  too  heavy 
a  burthen  for  them  to  be  able  to  ascend  the  pulpit  stairs 
above  once  or  twice  a  year;  and  that  even  then  it  ought 
not  to  be  to  preach  to  an  ordinary  congregation. 

2.  That  they  might  discharge  their  duty,  to  the  souls 
within  their  respective  dioceses,  by  providing  vicars  to 
watch  over  them  in  their  stead,  in  their  several  parishes 
or  divisions,  that  they  might  freely  spend  their  time  either 
at  the  court  of  Rome,  or  at  the  courts  of  their  several 
princes,   without  sustaining  loss  at  home. 

20 


230  DIALOGUES 

DiscoRDANS.  Why,  sir,  according  to  your  account,  the 
readiest  way  to  stop  the  mouth  of  a  noisy  preacher,  is  to 
make  a  bishop  of  him. 

IxFiDELis.  The  only  way  in  the  world,  cousin.  Had 
the  king  of  England  given  a  bishopric  to  the  noisy  White- 
field,  as  he  was  advised  to  do  by  a  certain  nobleman,  it 
is  unknown  what  mischief  might  have  been  prevented. 
A  bishopric  would  have  done  him  more  real  injury,  than 
if  all  the  bishops  in  England  had  written  against  him. 

You  remember  well,  how  Dr.  D d  once  threatened  our 

ruin,  and  promised  fair  for  doing  a  mischief  to  our  govern- 
ment; until  our  happy  stars  fixed  him  in  a  prebend's  stall, 

and  a  r 1  chaplainship;  since  which  time  he  has  been 

quiet  enough,  and  his  people  sleep  on  and  take  their  rest 
securely. 

Fastosus.  Having  secured  both  orders  of  popish  bish- 
ops, I  took  care  to  establish  deans,  abbots,  monks,  friars, 
vicars,  chaunters,  prebendaries,  canons,  minor  canons, 
&.C.  &:c.  From  thence  I  proceeded  to  persuade  the  high- 
er orders  of  clergy,  to  encourage  plurality  of  livings, 
well  knowing  that  if  a  country  vicar  could  but  procure  a 
fat  and  fruitful  benefice,  he  would  even  imitate  his 
betters,  and  preach  as  little  as  possible.  I  have  often, 
with  great  pleasure,  observed,  that  if  a  benefice  exceed- 
ed two  hundred  pounds  per  annum,  the  poor  vicar,  who 
enjoys  it,  finds  himself  very  unable  to  preach,  and  is 
therefore  obliged  to  hire  a  journeyman,  to  whom  he  leaves 
the  bulk  of  his  business.  By  these  means,  we  got  curates 
introduced  into  the  church;  a  set  of  gentlemen  sold  to 
slavery  and  inured  to  poverty,  not  for  want  of  parts  and 
learning,  nor  always  for  want  of  piety,  but  for  want  of 
what  is  by  far  more  necessary  to  preferment,  a  patron. 
A  journeyman  weaver,  watch-maker,  or  cabinet-maker, 
can  aflbrd  a  better  table  than  many  a  gentleman,  who 
lacks  nothing  but  a  patron,  to  make  him  equal  to  the  very 
first  of  bishops. 

Happily,  it  just  answered  our  desire,  and  was  not  long 
before  a  sharp  conflict  between  the  vicars  and  curates 
ensued.  As  it  is  not  without  a  vein  of  drollery,  I  shall 
give  you  a  sketch  of  it.  There  was  a  certain  vicar,  who 
having  obtained  a  living  of  about  8001.  a  year,  called  his 
curate  to  him  one  day,  and  thus  addressed  him:  **Mr. 
Curate,  I  am  now  in  a  station  which  will  admit  but  of 


OF  DEVILS.  23 1 

littie  preaching:  I  must  therefore  get  you  to  take  that  part 
of  tho.  service  principally  upon  yourself.  I  am  under  a 
necessity  of  visiting  the  neighbouring  gentlemen,  and  as- 
sisting them  in  their  polite  amusements,  as  has  been  the 
custom  of  my  predecessors  from  time  immemorial;  so 
that  little  of  my  time  can  be  devoted  to  preaching  or  pray- 
ing, and  still  less  to  study  and  contemplation."*  Mr.  Cu- 
rate replied,  "  Indeed,  sir,  I  am  but  a  poor  hireling, 
whose  scanty  allowance  is  no  way  adequate  to  labours  so 
extensive.  I  am  resolved,  sir,  to  measure  my  services  by 
my  annual  salary."  The  vicar's  benefice  being  sufficient 
to  raise  him  above  preaching,  and  the  curate's  allowance 
so  small  that  he  could  not  afford  to  preach  much,  it  so  fell 
out  between  vicar  and  curate,  that  the  parishioners  could 
not  obtain  more  than  twenty  minutes  preaching  weekly, 
in  return  for  their  tithes,  many  dues  and  offerings.  This, 
you  know,  was  greatly  to  our  advantage. 

Another  instance  of  altercation,  between  the  vicar  and 
curate  I  well  remember,  which  also  was  decided  in  our 
favour.  "  Hark  you,  Mr.  Curate,  said  a  certain  vicar  one 
day  to  his  journeyman,  I  expect  you  shall  take  the  care  of 
all  the  souls  within  my  parish  upon  yourself;  as  I  have 
much  business  of  a  very  different  nature  on  my  hands." 
"  I  take  the  care  of  them,  sir,  replied  his  curateship; 
what  have  I  to  do  with  them.''  I  shall  take  no  care  of  them, 
I  assure  you."  "  Well,  but  Mr.  Curate,  said  the  vicar,  I 
hired  you  on  purpose  that  you  should  take  the  care  of 
them  off  from  me."  "  Indeed,  sir,  rejoined  the  curate.  I 
will  not,  I  am  resolved;  do  you  think  that,  for  the  scanty 
allowance  of  twelve  shillings  per  week,  I  will  put  my  own 
soul  in  the  place  of  your  parishioners.^  No,  sir,  let  him 
take  the  care  of  them  who  is  best  paid  for  so  doing." 
"  Then,  said  the  vicar,  let  my  lord  bishop  take  care  of 
them,  for  he  is  better  paid  than  either  vicar  or  curate." 
By  these  means  the  parishioners  may  go  to  heaven  or  hell, 
as  most  suits  their  inclination,  provided  always  the  fees 
are  punctually  paid. 

Impiator.  Well,  father,  I  really  think  those  curates 
were  in  the  right;  for  as  they  receive  but  journeyman's 
wages  for  doing  the  drudgery  of  the  business,  it  is  unrea- 
sonable to  desire  any  more  than  journeyman's  labour  from 
them.  If  they  perform  the  most  servile  parts  of  the  of- 
fice, for  their  scanty  allowance,  it  seems  but  meet  the  vi- 


232  DIALOGUES 

cars,  ^vIlo  receive  the  far  greatest  part  of  the  profits, 
should  talie  the  burthen  of  souls  upon  themselves.  If  i 
am  not  greatly  mistaken,  the  far  greater  part  of  mankind, 
the  vicars  and  high-priests  alone  excepted,  are  of  the  same 
opinion  with  me  and  the  curate.  However,  that  was  all 
in  the  dajs  of  poperv,  and  the  church  of  England  halli 
since  been  blessed  with  a  great  reformation. 

IxFiDELis.  It  has  so,  Impiator,  and  been  deformed 
again,  almost  far  enough.  Some  time  after  the  reforma- 
tion, indeed,  the  gospel  was  preached  almost  every  where 
in  England,  which  made  me  apprehend  the  most  dreadful 
consequences,  and  made  me  exert  my  utmost  influence, 
in  order  to  reduce  the  clergy  to  obedience. 

This  important  point  was  in  a  great  measure  carried,  by 
fixing  their  attention  inordinately  upon  tradition,  and 
kindling  relentings  in  the  bosom  of  many  a  gownsmah 
towards  the  old  scarlet  lady,  whose  government  had  been 
rejected.  So  that,  by  degrees,  I  drew  them  to  take  coun- 
sel, as  formerly,  from  the  wise  Iirfidelisj  one  particuhr 
instance  of  which  I  shall  give  you,  if  you  think  it  will  not 
too  long  detain  you  from  necessary  business. 

Fastosus.  That  is  well  thought  of,  brother.  Idleness 
belongs  not  to  our  fraternity;  I  hold  it  good,  therefore, 
that  we  adjourn  to  our  usual  time  of  meeting. 


OF  DEVILS. 


DIALOGUE    XVI. 


ALL  THE  DL^LOGEANS  PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  When  we  parted  yesterday,  you  irjentioned 
some  particular  instance  of  the  clergy  seeking  to  you  for 
direction,  brother^  will  it  please  you  to  relate  it  to  us 
now? 

Infidelis.  It  is  only  a  little  confabulation  I  had  wdth 
my  good  friend,  parson  Out-and-in.  The  case  was  this:  I 
set  out  one  morning  for  Rome,  to  remove  some  scruples 
which  infested  the  mind  of  his  holiness,  the  father  of  the 
world:  but.  passing  by  parson  Out-and-in's  garden,  I  be- 
held the  reverend  gentleman  in  his  morning  gown  and 
velvet  cap,  walking  slow  and  pensive,  to  all  appearance 
in  a  dejected  manner.  Charity  bid  me  stop  and  relieve 
the  thoughtful  divine.  At  her  command  1  stopped,  and 
called:  So  ho,  Mr.  Out-and  in;  how  do  you  do?  The 
good  gentleman,  awaking  as  from  a  trance,  erected  his 
body  into  a  perpendicular  posture,  pushed  up  the  snout 
of  his  cap  from  over  his  eyes,  and  finding  it  was  me 
who  called,  instantly  replied,  '•  O  my  good  friend,  Ra- 
tionalisl  (for  that  is  the  name  by  which  I  am  known  by 
the  clergy,  of  all  denominations)  am  I  so  happy  as  to 
meet  with  you,  in  this  so  difficult  season?  I  pray  you, 
most  honourable  tutor,  be  pleased  to  stop  and  give  me 
your  advice. 

I  went  to  him,  and  thus  the  old  Levite  began:  "  Most 
truly  noble  and  intelligent  Sir,  I,  and  my  brethren,  the 
genuine  children  of  learning  and  science,  have  long  been 
much  grieved  at  the  rapid  progress  of  fanaticism,  which 
now  prevails  amazingly  over  the  people.  So  prevalent 
is  it,  sir,  that  fanatical  preachers  are  more  followed, 
more  esteemed,  than  we.  the  votaries  of  almighty  reason. 
In  these  days,  sir,  there  are  some,  who,  in  a  frantic 
manner,  decry  the  noble  powers  of  the  human  soul, 
which  we  esteem  to  be  almost  divine;  who  preach  salva- 
tion, by  what  they  call  the  righteousness  of  Christ,  con- 
trary to  the  instructions  which  we  received  from  that  ii- 
20* 


234  DIALOGUES 

lumination  which  thou  hast  given  us.  We  have  long  been 
studying  how  to  suppress  this  fanaticism,  and  to  pro- 
mote the  more  consistent  doctrine  of  salvation  bv  our 
own  works,  and  the  liberty  and  freedom  of  our  own  will, 
to  perform  perfect  righteousness.  It  is  intolerable,  sir,, 
to  hear  men  of  virtue  and  piety  placed  on  a  level  with 
vile  publicans  and  sinners,  who  know  not  the  law,  and 
are  therefore  accursed.  Impious  in  the  highest  degree, 
to  suppose  that  the  benevolent  Deity  will  not  reward  our 
good  endeavours  to  please  him,  by  working  out  our 
own  salvation,  wiihout  trusting  in  the  righteousness  of 
another." 

To  be  sure,  said  I,  to  gentlemen  of  virtue  and  good- 
ness, it  must  be  mortifying  to  submit  to  be  levelled  with 
those  who  work  not,  but  believe  in  him  who  justifieth 
the  ungodly.  Very  trying  indeed,  to  own  one's  self  to 
be  an  hell-deserving  sinner,  when  your  own  reason  bears 
witness  that  you  deserve  the  inestimable  blessings  of 
everlasting  happiness,  for  your  own  personal  goodness. 
What  man  of  virtue  and  moral  goodness,  what  gentle- 
man of  a  clear  head  and  good  heart,  like  yourself,  can 
bear  to  be  told,  that  harlots  and  publicans  shall  enter  the 
kingdom  of  heaven  sooner  than  you?  I  wonder  not,  my 
worthy  sir,  that  the  preaching  of  salvation  by  the  works 
of  another  should  be  a  stone  of  perpetual  stumbling,  and 
a  rock  of  invincible  og'ence  to  you.  And  this  ofttnce 
will  never  be  removed,  until  v.e  can  so  manage  it,  that 
this  same  book,  called  scripture,  is  made  to  truckle  to 
the  more  consistent  dictates  of  human  reason:  by  which 
alone  the  authenticity  of  doctrine  ought  to  be  attested, 
independently  of  any  records  whatever,  either  ancient  or 
modern. 

I  myself  have  beheld  the  preaching  of  the  cross  of 
Christ  with  a  great  deal  of  uneasiness.  But  for  seeing 
the  self-righteous  Jews  break  their  b  )nes  by  stumbling 
upon  it,  and  the  wise  philosophic  Grecians  turning  mer- 
ry-andrews,  and  laughing  at  it  as  foolishness,  I  siiould 
certainly  have  sunk  into  despair;  because  I  was  unhappy 
enough  to  see  i:  prove  both  the  po/.  er  of  God  and  the 
wisdom  of  God,  U>  those  who  felt  themselves  actually  in 
a  perishing  condition.  But  my  good  Mr.  Out-and-in, 
permit  me  to  tell  you,  that  whatever  pain  I  endure  on  ac- 
count of  a  preached  gospel,  I  can  do  nothing  that  will 


OF  DEVILS.  235 

effectually  prevent  it,  without  the  concurrence  of  the 
clergy.  By  the  way,  let  me  not  so  much  as  hint  any  de- 
fection of  the  clergy.  No,  sir,  I  thank  my  auspicious 
stars,  by  far  the  greatest  part  of  them  are  upon  the  right 
side  of  the  question.  There  are  but  few,  very  few,  who 
preach  those  enthusiastic  doctrines,  with  which  the  arti- 
cles, homilies,  and  rubrics  are  stuffed;  very  few  who  con- 
cern themselves  about  what  is,  or  what  is  not,  the  doc- 
trine of  the  Bible. 

But,  to  the  matter  of  your  troubles,  sir,  I  apprehend 
they  may  be  reduced  to  these  two  heads  only:  to  suppress 
the  growth  of  fanaticism  on  the  one  hand,  and  secure  to 
Yourselves  the  patrimony  of  the  church  on  the  other. 
"  These  are  all,  returned  he.  If  we  can  but  accomplish 
these,  we  desire  no  more."  Then,  sir,  if  no  more  is  aim- 
ed at,  I  shall  put  you  in  a  way  by  which  you  may  accom- 
plish them. 

Observe  me  then,  my  good  friend  Mr.  Out-and-in.  the 
first  thing  to  be  done  is,  to  draw  as  thick  a  veil  as  possi- 
ble over  the  personal  excellencies,  grace,  and  righteous- 
ness of  Immanuel:  for  these,  wherever  they  are  preached, 
have  a  tendency  to  eclipse  all  human  glory,  and  greatly  to 
diminish  the  profits  of  the  altar;  v.hich,  you  know,  are 
the  principal  things  that  ought  to  be  advanced.  The  holy 
trade  of  priestcraft  can  never  prosper,  but  in  proportion  to 
your  departure  from  the  doctrine  of  the  cross.  Yet,  this 
must  be  done  with  caution,  lest  the  eyes  of  the  people 
should  be  opened,  and  the  propagation  of  your  rational 
religion  be  prevented.  The  important  question  then  is, 
*•  How  you  may  retain  the  character  and  authority  of 
Christ's  ambassadors,  whilst,  at  the  same  time,  you  are 
labouring  to  extirpate  the  doctrine  of  salvation  by  his 
blood,  from  the  rational  worldr'  as  you  cannot  expect 
to  be  so  much  regarded  by  the  people,  if  ever  you  lose 
your  claim  to  ambassadorship.  Of  this,  therefore,  you 
must  be  very  cautious,  and  by  no  means  declare  your- 
selves avowed  enemies  to  the  gospel,  in  so  many  express 
words. 

No,  sir,  you  must  find  out  the  most  glorious  names 
which  possibly  can  be  ascribed  to  the  Son  of  God;  yet 
such  names  as  do  not  imply  his  personal  divinity;  these 
would  spoil  your  scheme,  and  therefore  must  be  rejected. 
For  instance,    you  must  cot   call  him  Immanuel,  the 


2S6  DIALOGUES 

mightj  God,  the  everlasting  Father,  God  manifest  in  the 
flesh,  Jesus  Christ  yesterday,  to-day,  and  forever  the 
same;  Alpha  and  Omega,  &c.  &c.  These,  and  such  like 
names,  must  absolutely  be  laid  aside,  for  they  make  di- 
rectly against  the  rational  scheme.  On  the  other  hand, 
you  must  be  equally  careful  not  to  speak  slightly  of  his 
person,  name,  and  authority,  by  barefacedly  calling  him 
but  a  man,  like  yourselves,  as  Doctor  Priestley  has  pre- 
cipitately done;  and  by  so  doing  betrayed  the  cause  of 
rational  religion  into  the  hands  of  the  orthodox,  to  be 
mangled  and  tortured  after  the  manner  of  that  wicked 
Shaver.  In  short,  you  must  consider,  that  tlie  people  are 
not  all  rational  alike;  and  therefore  a  downright  denial 
of  the  Godhead  of  Christ  may  be  attended  with  very  se- 
rious consequences.  Some  people  are  firmly  attached  to 
the  Athanasian  creed,  merely  out  of  deference  to  the 
judgment  of  their  ancestors,  and  others  are  as  firmly  at- 
tached to  the  scriptures,  from  an  inward  conviction  of 
their  divine  propriety;  so  that,  without  the  greatest  care, 
you  may  be  baffled  in  your  very  first  attempts  to  promul- 
gate your  rational  religion. 

In  short,  sir,  notwithstanding  you  believe  him  to  be  but 
a  man  like  yourself,  or  at  most  but  a  dignified  creature, 
you  must  of  necessity,  for  fear  of  the  populace,  give  him 
a  kind  of  suffragan  Deity  or  deputed  Godhead,  like  that  of 
Mars  or  Mercury,  in  the  pagan  theology.  Your  friend, 
Mr.  Whiston,  a  man  of  deep  intelligence,  has  shown  you 
what  may  be  done  in  this  way;  do  you,  my  good  Mr.  Out- 
and-in,  imitate  the  same  Homer-like  minister.*  You 
must  never  omit,  when  you  speak  of  him,  to  use  great  and 
swelling  words  of  seeming  respect,  as  if  you  had  the  most 
profound  veneration  for  his  person;  call  him  the  only  son 
of  the  most  high  God:  the  first-born,  and  most  exalted  of 
creatures;  a  being  far  above  men  and  angels;  under  God, 
the  great  dispenser  of  all  things,  both  in  earth  and  heaven. 
Not  a  syllable  of  his  measuring  the  seas  in  the  hollow  of 
his  hand;  of  his  meting  out  heaven  with  a  span;  of  Wia 
comprehending  the  dust  of  the  earth  in  a  measure;  weigh- 


*  Homer-like  minister.  Homer  was  a  wonderful  creator  of  gods 
and  goddesses,  and  so  was  Mr.  Whiston.  from  his  own  account  of 
the  Trinity,  which  he  makes  to  consist  of  oae  uncreated  and  two 
created  Gods. 


OF  DEVILS.  237 

ing  the  mountains  in  scales,  aiulthe  hills  in  a  balance:  or 
of  his  taking  up  the  isles  as  a  very  little  thing.  That 
is  a  description  of  Jesus,  most  adverse  to  what  you 
would  have  thought  to  be  rational  religion,  uhich  con- 
siders him  as  no  more  than  a  man,  like  yourselves. 
It  is  good,  therefore,  that  such  descriptions  should  ne- 
ver be  quoted.  Bj  keeping  close  to  those  appellations, 
which  are  proper  to  him,  only  as  man  and  mediator,  you 
will  veil  his  real  personal  dignity^  and,  in  time,  your 
audience  will  quite  forget  all  their  old  orthodox  notions, 
concerning  the  proper  Deity  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ, 
which  at  present  are  so  very  oS'ensive  to  you  and  y'our 
brethren. 

When  you  happen  to  hear  of  any  man,  who  is  a  zeal- 
ous and  diligent  preacher  of  Christ  crucified,  as  the  on- 
ly foundation  of  the  sinner-s  hope,  you  must  look  to  it 
that  something  be  speedily  done,  to  prevent  his  success: 
For  such  a  man  is  capable  of  being  very  injurious  to  us, 
and  our  rational  religion.  His  followers  will  consider 
you  as  no  better  than  hirelings,  mercenary  priests,  and 
enemies  to  the  gospel  of  salvation.  Therefore  you  must, 
but  always  with  the  greatest  art,  attack  his  character. 
Stigmatize  him  with  such  names  of  reproach  as  you 
think  will  be  most  likely  to  take  with  the  vulgar.  How- 
ever you  must  beware  of  touching  his  moral  character, 
for  that  will  be  like  the  body  of  Achilles,  invulnerable 
even  to  malice  itself.  His  religious  character,  because 
less  understood  by  the  common  people,  will  be  more  ea- 
sily injured;  and  is,  therefore,  the  most  proper  object  of 
your  attacks. 

You  may  call  him  an  enthusiast,  which  is  a  name  un- 
derstood by  very  few;  therefore  the  greatest  part  of  the 
people  will  consider  him  as  some  outlandish  monster,  and 
avoid  him,  as  they  would  shun  the  path  of  a  crocodile. 
Or  you  may  call  him  a  methodistj  this  also  is  a  name  well 
calculated  to  excite  popular  abhorrence,  as  you  know  ma- 
ny would  rather  chooae  to  be  papists  than  methodists. 
Or  you  may  call  him  an  anabaptist,  or  fanatic.  In  short, 
you  may  dress  him  in  what  names  you  think  will  most  ef- 
fectually stir  up  the  people  to  bait  him,  as  they  would  do 
a  bull  or  a  befir  from  tlie  forest;  and  so  far  as  your  influ- 
ence goes,  you  may  totally  prevent  his  usefulness;  which, 


238  DIALOGUES 

you  know,  will  be  a  great  service  done  to  the  devil,  and 
to  rational  religion. 

But,  my  good  Mr.  Out-and-in,  take  care  that  you  be 
not  too  bare-faced  in  your  slanders,  as  Doctor  Priest- 
ley has  been  in  his  against  the  orthodox  dissenters. — 
His  zeal  for  rational  religion  is  so  furious,  that  it  prompt- 
ed him  to  rend  the  disguise,  which  ought  by  all  means 
to  have  concealed  his  implacable  hatred  of  the  ortho- 
dox. This,  however,  he  has  thought  proper  to  discover 
in  such  a  manner,  that  his  word,  in  a  way  of  slander, 
will  now  scarcely  be  taken  by  any  body,  so  that  even 
the  rationals  themselves  are  ashamed  of  his  rashness. — 
But  you,  my  friend,  may  avail  yourself  of  his  miscar- 
riage, and  avoid  the  rock  upon  which  he  foundered  un- 
der full  sail,  by  considering  that,  amongst  the  laity  there 
are  always  to  be  found  a  discerning  few,  whose  penetra- 
tion may  be  too  keen  for  a  flimsy  disguise.  Now,  should 
your  malice  be  detected,  your  very  reproaches  would 
bring  him  proselytes,  as  in  the  case  of  Dr.  Trapp,  of 
crabbed  memory,  and  the  late  Mr.  Whitefield.  There- 
fore,'letall  your  reproaches  seem  to  flow  rather  from  pity 
than  malice.  Do  not  fail  to  commend  something  of  the 
good  that  is  in  him:  This  will  be  an  excellent  cloak, 
from  under  which  you  may,  with  the  greater  freedom, 
shoot  your  arrows  of  calumny.  For  example,  v,'hen  his 
name  is  mentioned  in  company,  you  may  say,  "  He  is  a 
good  sort  of  man,  I  believe;  but  I  am  sorry  for  him.  Poor 
man,  he  hath  imbibed  sad  enthusiastic  principles.  The 
poor,  weak,  well  meaning  man,  would  do  good  if  he 
could,  I  believe,  but  is  sadly  led  away  by  methodistical 
notions."  Sir,  there  are  a  thousand  ways  of  vending 
scandal,  with  seeming  pity,  which  some  people  are  per- 
fect masters  of:  But  your  divines  are  too  warm,  and 
therefore  their  arrows  fall  to  the  ground  before  they  in- 
flict any  wound  at  all. 

I  have  known  an  important  minister,  ere  now,  ruin 
the  reputation  of  his  neighbour,  with  less  than  ten 
words  speaking,  and  those  too  seemingly  spoken  in  much 
pity.  0,  sir,  there  requires  s^reat  art  in  scandalizing  to 
purpose.  Nothing  gives  such  a  point  to  the  arrow  of 
scandal,  as  seeming  concern  for  the  welfare  of  the  party 
whom  you  want  to  ruin.  I  could  recommend  you  to 
certain  gentlemen,  in  great  estimation  for  religion  and 


OF  DEVILS.  239 

virtue,  as  the  most  accomplished  in  this  necessary  art,  did 
not  I  know  that  you  disdain  to  learn  from  any  inferior 
to  myself. 

If  you  would  invalidate  the  doctrine  of  imputed  right- 
eousness, you  must  begin  just  here,  and  proceed  in  the 
following  manner.  That  it  is  a  doctrine  which  must  be 
brought  into  contempt,  as  you  would  wish  to  preserve 
the  honour  of  the  creature,  is  clear  to  a  demonstration^ 
seeing,  whenever  a  man  is  brought  cordially  to  embrace 
it,  his  looks,  however  lofty  before,  are  brought  down,  and 
he  lies  at  the  feet  of  Jesus,  as  a  perishing  and  lost  sinner; 
which,  you  know,  is  inconsistent  with  the  dignity  of  a  phi- 
losopher, or  a  rational  Christian. 

You  must,  my  worthy  Mr.  Out-and-in,  you  must  in- 
deed, declare  that  man,  having  received  no  damage  at 
all  by  the  fall  of  Adam,  and  coming  inte  the  world  in 
perfect  innocence,  is  capable  of  having  a  righteousness 
■  of  his  own,  which  will  justify  him  before  an  infinitely 
holy  God.  *'  Ay,  but  Mr.  Rationalis,  said  he,  how  shall 
I  manage  in  this,  seeing  there  are  so  many  plain  passages 
of  scripture,  which  contradict  me.^"  01  mygood  fiiend! 
You  must  not  mind  that,  if  you  intend  to  be  a  rational 
preacher.  You  must  show  yourself  a  man,  and  leap 
over  them,  as  many  have  done  before  you.  Imitate  the 
zealous  Dr.  Priestley,  and  like  him  tell  your  hearers, 
that  the  scriptures  do  not  mean  what  they  say.*  What 
man  of  reason  would  regard  a  few  adverse  texts  of  scrip- 
ture, when  the  dignity  of  human  nature  is  the  subject  ia 
question? 

For  your  encouragement,  permit  me  to  assure  you,  that 
however  adverse  the  scriptures  may  be  to  your  rational 
doctrine,  the  populace  will  be  very  propitious. 

You  can  never  please  men  so  well  as  by  clapping  them 
on  the  shoulders,  telling  them  that  their  hearts  ^e  good, 
that  they  need  not  doubt  of  getting  safe  to  heaven,  whether 
they  believe  in  the  Son  of  God  or  not.  And  1  engage  sir, 
your  auditory  will  caress  you,  for  the  sake  of  your  pleas- 
ing doctrine. 

As  to  the  Holy  Ghost,  I  would  not  have  you  abso- 
lutely refrain  from  mentioning  him,  and  his  assisting  in- 
fluence, because  your  people  read  of  him  in  your  churck 

*  Familiar  illustration  of  certain  texts,  &«. 


240  DIALOGUES 

liturgy  so  very  often.  But  be  sure  roundly  to  assert, 
that  it  is  mere  enthusiasm  for  a  man  to  expect  to  re- 
ceive the  Holy  Ghost,  in  these  days;  and  let  them 
solve  the  difficulty,  how  the  thoughts  of  a  man's  heart 
can  be  cleansed  by  the  inspiration  of  the  Holy  Ghost 
"whom  they  cannot  receive,  as  they  shall  find  opportu- 
nity. It  seems  I  proved  as  a  kind  of  remembrancer 
here,  for  he  stopped  m.e  short  and  said:  ''Let  me  see 
1  think  I  should  remember  something  about  the  Ho- 
ly Ghost  somewhere Hum If  I  mistake  not,  it 

was  relating  to  the  office  of  ordination.*' 

Yes,  sir,  said  I,  it  was;  you  only  professed  to  my 
lord  bishop,  that  you  were  moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost, 
to  take  upon  you  the  office  of  a  deacon.  That  was  all, 
sir.  He  replied:  "'I  believe  it  was  some  such  thing. 
But  pray,  sir,  was  it  rational  in  me  so  to  do,  seeing  I 
did  not  then  believe  that  any  man  receives  the  moving 
influences  of  the  Holy  Ghost  in  these  times?"  Surely, 
said  I,  it  was.  You  know,  sir,  no  man  can  get  a  be- 
nefice without  it  in  your  way:  and  1  pray  you,  who 
would  not  do  as  much  as  that  for  a  good  living.'^  Why 
should  you  have  any  scruple  of  conscience,  seeing  you 
have  got  some  hundreds  a  year  by  it?  I  know  many, 
very  many,  who  did  the  same,  sir,  who  can  hardly  pro- 
cure thirty  pounds  per  annum.  On  my  v;ord,  you  sold 
your  conscience  well.  But  for  those  sons  of  science, 
they  foolishly  threw  their's  away,  without  the  prospect 
of  any  comfortable  return.  I  assure  yuu,  a  journey- 
man weaver  can  afford  a  better  table  than  many  a  clergy- 
man of  the  rank  of  curate. 

Once  more:  as  the  works  of  the  Saviour  of  mankind 
must  not  be  wholly  omitted;  should  you  be  asked,  "What 
Jesus  did  for  his  people?  You  must  ansv/er,  as  it  were 
in  a  rapture:  ''01  he  hath  done  great  things  for  us.  He 
descended  from  the  heavenly  glories,  and  assumed  our 
nature.  He  hath  abrogated  the  severity  of  the  old, 
and  introduced  a  new  and  milder  law;  lived  agreeable 
to  the  precepts  of  it  himself,  and  when  his  instructions 
were  finished,  he  confirmed  us  in  his  ways,  and  sealed 
the  truth  of  his  doctrine  with  his  own  precious  blood." 
Thus,  my  friend,  you  may,  by  good  management,  if 
grace  prevent  not,  deceive  the  very  elect.  Tears  of 
thankfulness  trickled  down  the  old  gentleman's  beard; 


OF  DEVILS.  241 

h«  gave  me  most  hearty  thanks,  and  protested  that  no  in- 
structions could  be  more  agreeable  to  the  dictates  of  his 
OAvn  reason. 

Fastosus.  I  can  tell  jou,  brother,  your  advice  was 
not  in  vain,  but  has  been  invariably  followed,  so  that  this 
rational  religion  is  now  very  little  injurious  to  our  in- 
terest. 

IxFiDELis.  It  is  very  moderate,  sir,  and  may  well  be 
tolerated  even  by  our  governors  themselves.  It  has  not 
the  least  affinity  with  the  doctrine  of  the  cross;  which  is 
justly  the  abhorrence  of  every  partizan  of  ours,  as  will  ap- 
pear from  the  creed  which  I  composed,  and  put  into  the 
hands  of  my  friend  Mr.  Out-and-in;  which,  if  agreeable, 
I  shall  recite. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  pray  you,  sir,  let  us  have  the  creed.  It 
may  aftbrd  matter  of  entertainment  to  have  the  creed  of 
the  enemies  of  all  creeds  and  confessions. 

IxFiDELis.  Not  enemies  to  all  creeds,  cousin;  only  to 
tiiose  creeds  which  they  deem  orthodox|^  those  which  de- 
base the  sinner,  exalt  the  Saviour,  and  thwart  the  views  of 
human  arrogance.  But  they  are  very  fond  of  such  creeds 
as  tickle  proud  nature,  eclipse  the  sovereignty  of  grace, 
and  debase  the  Saviour  as  insufficient  of  himself  to  save  to 
the  uttermost  those  v/ho  come  to  God  by  him:  As  you  will 
see  in  the  following. 

•*'  1  believe  in  the  great  God,  the  father  and  fountain  of 
Deity,  as  an  absolute  and  supreme  beiiig,  eternal,  immortal, 
invisible,  omnipresent,  all-powerful,  the  Creator,  Support- 
er, and  Governor  of  all  worlds.  I  believe  in  another 
God,  who  is  not  eternal  in  liis  existence;  not  omnipresent, 
in  his  essence;  not  omnipotent,  but  entirely  dependent  on 
the  great  God  for  his  very  existence;  not  supreme  over 
all,  as  Paul  the  fanatic  thought;  but  subject  in  all  things 
to  him  that  made  him;  not  immortal,  but  actually  died 
about  seventeen  hundred  years  agone,  for  purposes  after- 
v/ards  to  be  mentioned .  I  farther  believe,  concerning  this 
second  God,  that  he  was  created,  as  the  famous  Whiston 
says,  by  the  great  God,  in  an  ineliable  manner,  before  the 
foundation  of  the  world,  far  above  all  angels,  and  appointed 
to  be  the  minister  of  the  wrath  and  mercy  of  the  Creator. 
I  believe  in  a  third  God,  called  the  Hoiy  Ghost,  created 
by  the  secowid  God,  or  suftragan  of  the  Supreme  Deity,  and 

21 


242  DIALOGUES 

that,  therefore,  he  may  properly  be  called  the  grandson  of 

the  great  God." 

''  I  beg  your  pardon,  said  Mr.  Out-and-in,  interrupting 
me;  it  would  be  more  rational  still,  to  ascribe  no  Deity 
whatever  to  the  Son  of  God." 

0  sir,  replied  I,  we  shall  fit  you  in  that,  in  the  most 
agreeable  manner;  then  to  the  article  of  faith  in  the  great 
God,  add,  "  1  believe  in  Jesus  Christ,  as  a  mere  man  like 
ourselves,  yet  pious  and  holy.  A  man  sent  of  God,  as  a 
great  teacher,  whose  business  in  life  was  to  introduce  a 
new  mild  law  commonly  called  the  gospel;  because 
God  had  altered  his  mind,  respecting  the  salvation  of 
mankind,  since  his  giving  of  the  old  law,  which  upon  ex- 
amination, and  long  experience,  was  found  to  be  too 
strict  and  severe,  consequently  unjust  and  fit  for  aboli- 
tion. Wherefore,  he  raised  up  this  same  Jesus  Christ, 
a  man  like  ourselves,  and  sent  him  to  correct  the  errors, 
which  infinite  wisdom  had  fallen  into,  in  giving  what 
we  call  the  moral  law.  I  believe  that  when  he  obtain- 
ed a  perfectly  correct  copy,  he  taught  it  to  mankind,  and 
called  it  the  new  law,  or  the  gospel.  I  believe  that  this 
good  man  actually  did  make  such  corrections,  altera- 
tions, and  amendments, in  the  moral  law,  as  he  saw  meet, 
notwithstanding  he  positively  declared,  that,  *' although 
heaven  and  earth  should  both  pass  away,  not  one  jot  or 
tittle  of  the  old  law  should  fail,"  that  is,  be  superseded 
by  any  other  law  whatever.  1  believe  that  Jesus  Christ, 
this  good  man  like  ourselves,  having  rendered  the  old 
law  a  perfect  system,  and  having  taught  it  in  its  purified 
state,  died  to  confirm  the  truth  of  his  doctrine,  just  as 
Cranmer  and  other  good  men  have  done  since  then.  I 
believe  farther,  that  he  continued  under  the  power  of 
death  for  three  days,  and  then  was  raised  from  the  dead, 
to  shov/  that  he  was  no  impostor,  but  was  actually  com- 
missioned to  amend  the  old  law,  which,  prior  to  his  correc- 
tion, was  neither  holy,  just,  nor  good,  as  the  mistaken 
apostle  thought  it  to  be.  Farther  still,  1  believe  that,  in 
his  exalted  state,  he  is,  as  good  Dr.  Priestley  observes,  on- 
ly a  man  like  ourselves,  notwithstanding  the  orthodox  ig- 
norantly  worship  him  as  Immanuel,  God  with  them;  God 
manifest  in  the  fiesh;  the  true  God  and  eternal  life;  the 
Alpha  and  Omega;  the  first  and  the  last,  and  I  know  not 


OF  DEVILS.  243 

what  enthusiastic  titles,  such  as  that  book,  called  the  Bi- 
ble, acribe  to  Jesus  of  Nazareth. 

"  Concerning  the  original  state  of  man,  I  believe,  that 
Adam  did  not  beget  his  children  in  the  likeness  which  he 
himself  bore,  at  the  time  of  their  being  begotten,  but  in 
the  likeness  which  he  bore  before  he  had  sinned;  that,  al- 
though the  fountain  became  polluted,  the  streams  continue 
pure  and  limpid;  and,  although  the  root  was  depraved  bj 
transgression,  the  branches  and  fruit  are  holy  and  inno- 
cent. So  that  there  is  no  such  thing  as  original  sin  in  any 
sense;  nor  have  the  posterity  of  Adam  any  share  in  the 
guilt  of  his  transgressions.  And  whereas,  the  death  of  in- 
fants is  frequently  alleged,  <by  fanatics,  and  orthodox 
Christians,  as  a  proof  of  original  sin;  I  do  most  rationally 
believe,  concerning  those  that  die  in  infancy,  tliat  either 
God,  in  an  arbitrary,  unjust  manner,  murders  them  with- 
out cause;  or  their  death  is  occasioned  by  some  sin  of  their 
own,  committed,  either  whilst  they  were  in  the  womb,  or 
before  they  had  being;  for  no  man  can  die  for  the  sins  of 
another,  says  your  oracle,  and  yet  it  is  clear  that  infants 
do  die. 

*' Moreover,  I  believe  that  every  man  is  possessed  of 
power,  to  justify  himself  by  the  deeds  of  the  law,  and  to 
procure  salvation  by  his  own  willing  and  running,  contra- 
ry to  the  opinion  of  Paul,  and  the  rest  of  the  orthodox; 
that  salvation  is  obtained  by  works  of  righteousness  of 
our  own  performing,  and  not  by  the  obedience  and  death 
of  any  other  person;  that  the  glory  of  our  salvation  ^hall 
redound  to  the  absolute  mercy  of  God,  and  our  own  good 
endeavours  to  obtain  it;  and  not  unto  Christ,  whom  the 
orthodox  enthusi'astically  say,  has  loved  them,  and  wash- 
ed them  in  his  blood,  by  which  he  has  redeemed  them  to 
God,  out  of  every  nation,  kindred,  people,  tongue  and  lan- 
guage." 

This  creed  being  cordially  received  by  my  votaries,  I 
laughed  in  my  sleeve,  and  said,  a  fig  for  you  all,  my  ene- 
mies, Goodwin,  Charnock,  Owen  and  Crisp,  &:c.  where 
are  you  now?  A  fig  for  all  your  snarlings  at  my  prin- 
ciples! Lift  up  your  heads  from  the  dusty  pillows, 
and  listen,  whilst  your  own  descendants,  ye  puritans, 
with  all  the  force  of  eloquence,  plead  the  cause  of  great 
Infidelis. 

Tmpiator.  Honoured  father,  I  admire  your  subtilty,  and 


244  DIALOGUES 

almost  adore  your  craftiness.  Who  would  have  thought, 
when  we  heard  of  the  old  puritans  raving  against  unbelief^ 
and  profaneness.  that,  in  such  a  short  time,  their  descend- 
ants would  have  forsaken  the  principles  of  their  progeni- 
tors. But  I  give  you  joy,  my  sire,  your  operations  have 
lacked  no  advantageous  success. 

IxFiDELis.  You  are  very  tibliging,  my  son  !  But  I  per- 
ceive you  are  not  aware  of  all  the  giory  of  this  concjuest. 
Perhaps  my  friends  would  think  it 'strange,  if  1  should 
tell  them,  that  by  tins  device,  I  have  again  introduced 
into  Britain,  as  gross  idolatry  as  ever  was  preached  by  the 
ancient  druids,  as  ever  was  known  at  Rome  or  Athens f 
and  that  British  divines  have  arrived  at  an  higher  degree 
of  heathenism  than  ever  was  known  in  the  celebrated  pan- 
theon. 

Impiator.  Nay.  then,  my  bewildering  parent,  out  with 
it.  and  explain  yourself.  What,  idolatry  again  in  Britairi 
Happy  stars! 

IxFiDELis.  Hold,  son.  Restrain  yourself,  I  say.  Do 
not  you  remember  the  charge  1  gave  you,  Impiator,  when 
I  sent  forth  my  several  worthies  to  sound  my  sleep-giving 
ti'umpet. 

Impiator.  I  can  remember  nothing  at  present,  so  gre&t 
is  my  joy!  0  idolatry!  How  glad  am  I  that  the  Britons 
have  again  embraced  thee! 

Infidelis.  This,  son,  was  my  charge,  and  I  desire 
you  will  remember  it.  Take  care,  said  1,  Impiator,  take 
care  what  you  do.  It  is  a  matter  of  great  importance 
to  our  infernal  interest,  to  which  a  blunder  of  your*& 
might,  on  this  occasion,  be  very  injurious.  These  men 
are  gone  forth  upon  my  business^  with  a  commission  from 
me,  your  father,  to  counteract  a  preached  gospel,  and  as 
much  as  may  to  sap  its  foundation  doctrines.  Now,  my 
son,  in  order  to  be  useful  to  me,  it  is  highly  necessary 
they  should  bear  the  appearance  of  the  strictest  sanctity, 
and  be  not  any  wise  defective  in  tithing,  anise,  mint,  and 
cummin,  or  how  can  they  impose  the  cheat  upon  man- 
kind with  success?  Whereas,  the  appearance  of  devotion 
and  sanctity,  will  give  energy  to  their  arguments,  and 
greatly  recommend  their  doctrine;  there  is  no  beating  it 
out  of  the  heads,  even  of  the  most  ignorant,  that  there  is 
such  a  thing  as  devotion  and  sanctity,  inseparably  con- 
nected with  religion. 


OF  DEVILS.  245 

Now,  my  son,  thou  art  but  a  purblind  devil,  and  at  best 
precipitate;  therefore  thou  majest  overturn  my  best  con- 
certed scheme.  I  charge  tbee,  therefore,  Impiator,  as  thou 
wishest  well  to  our  mal -administration,  that  thou  shalt  re- 
frain from  tempting  these  men  into  any  of  thine  openly 
notorious  ways,  and  to  leave  them  entirely  to  my  govern- 
ment; for  they  cannot  miscarry  whilst  I  have  the  pleasure 
of  reigning  in  their  hearts. 

Fastosus.  a  very  necessary  caution  and  ought  to  be 
regarded. 

Impiator.  I  remember  it  very  well,  and  have  hitherto 
acted  accordingly.:  notwithstanding,  I  would  rather  allure 
every  person  to  take  up  his  dwelling  in  some  part  of  my 
dominions.  But,  sir,  I  never  knew  that  your  rational  di- 
vines were  properly  idolaters. 

Infidelis.  13o  you  consider,  then.  They  tell  their 
hearers,  that  Immanuel  is  no  more  than  a  dignified  crea- 
ture, who  has  no  personal  claim  to  the  essential  qualities 
of  true  and  absolute  divinity,  notwithstanding  many  of 
them  pay  divine  honours  to  his  name.  Now,  my  son,  the 
worship  of  a  creature,  how  dignified  soever,  is  by  all  al- 
lowed to  be  mere  idolatry. 

Fastosus.  They  deny  the  charge  of  idolatry,  brother, 
by  alleging,  that  they  oft'er  to  Immanuel  only  an  inferior 
worship,  suited  to  the  inferiority  of  his  person  as  a  created 
being. 

Infidelis.  The  very  thing  in  which  their  idolatry  con- 
sists, and  is  on  a  level  with  the  ancient  pagans.  It  was 
an  inferior  kind  of  adoration,  which  the  ancients  paid  to 
their  heroes  and  common  deities,  in  comparison  of  that 
which  they  offered  to  Jupiter  their  great  god,  the  suppos- 
ed king  and  father  of  all  the  rest.  Mars  and  Mercury, 
for  instance,  were  never  considered  as  supreme,  but  as 
acting  under  the  direction  and  delegation  of  Jupiter;  as 
such,  and  such  only,  they  were  adored  and  worshipped; 
so  that  to  distinguish  between  the  worship  of  the  father, ' 
as  supreme,  and  that  of  his  son,  as  inferior  and  subordi- 
nate, instead  of  exculpating  them  from  the  charge  of  idol- 
atry, doth  actually  enforce  it. 

Fastosus.   But,  to  clear  themselves  from  the  charge  of 

idolatry,  they  allege  farther,  sir,  the  command  of  God 

himself,  for  tneir  worshipping  the  Son  notwithstanding  his 

inferiority.     The  great  God,  say  thev.  hath  given  com- 

21  * 


246  DIALOGUES 

mand,  that  all  the  angels  of  God  should  worship  bim,  and 
that  all  men  should  honour  him;  shall  then  our  obedience 
draw  upon  us  the  reproach  of  idolatry? 

iNriDELis.  So  they  say.  But  if  they  knew  the  scrip- 
tures, only  half  as  well  as  you  and  me,  who  have  labour- 
ed all  our  days  to  cloud  their  evidence,  they  would  see 
that  these  commands,  instead  of  exculpating  them 
from,  do  actually  bring  home  the  charge  of  idolatry  up- 
on them.  God  hath  expressly  commanded,  that, "Man- 
kind shall  have  no  other  gods  before  him,"  as  objects 
of  religious  adoration,  either  by  office  or  otherwise. 
And  he  would  hardly  have  himself  introduced  another, 
of  a  ditferent  nature,  and  commanded  all  men  to  worship 
him;  seeing,  in  this  case,  one  command  would  have  clash- 
ed with  the  other.  This  would  have  been  the  spring  of 
Vv'ild  confusion,  and  everlasting  uncertainty;  for  the  two 
commands  being  diametrically  opposite,  no  man  could 
ever  have  known  which  of  the  two  might  be  obeyed  with 
safety. 

Would  we  but  suffer  them  to  reflect  upon  the  di- 
vine commands,  they  must  unavoidably  see,  that  their 
worshipping  of  the  Son  of  God,  as  merely  delegated, 
with  an  inferior  kind  of  worship,  is  absolute  idolatry. 
AVhen  the  first  begotten  was  brought  into  the  world, "it 
was  said,  "Let  ail  the  angels  of  God  worship  him,'' 
which  they  accordingly  did  at  his  birth.  When- he  re- 
vealed himself  to  Israel,  the  Father  gave  command,  that 
"All  men  should  honour  the  Son,  even  as  they  honoured 
the  Father."  That  is,  with  the  self- same  honour,  as  is 
paid  to  the  Father^  on  the  foundation  of  his  being  one  (in 
essence)  with  the  Father.  Whereas,  had  the  Father  or- 
dained divine  honours  to  be  paid  to  any  being  of  a  ditter- 
ent  essence  from  himself,  he  would  not  only  have  over- 
turned the  first  commandment,  "  Thou  shalt  have  no 
other  gods  before  me,"  but  have  given  his  glory  to  ano- 
ther, contrary  to  his  own  express  declaration.  I  would 
not,  therefore,  have  those  sons  of  superior  reason  think  it 
at  all  strange,  if  at  last  they  find  themselves  ranked  with 
idolators. 

Impiator.  But,  father,  if  I  mistake  not,  you  said,  that, 
with  them,  paganism  is  brought  to  as  great  perfection  as 
ever  it  arrived  at  in  the  Roman  pantheon.  How  is  that, 
sir,  seeing  they  are  rational  Christians? 


OF  DEVILS.  24r 

TxFiDELis.  Yes,  my  son,  they  call  themselves  rational 
Christians,  because  they  believe  and  teach,  "  That  the 
world  by  wisdom  may  know  the  Almighty,"  and  adorn 
their  harangues  with  words,  which  men's  wisdom  teach- 
elh;  but  they  are  pagans,  notwithstanding,  as  will  ap- 
pear, when  you  consider,  that  they  worship  more  gods 
than  one.  Arians  and  Socinians  both  agree  to  worship 
one,  whom  they  say  is  truly  and  essentially  God,  and  the 
King  and  Father  of  the  other  Deities.  Besides  this  ob- 
ject of  supreme  adoration,  they  have  other  two,  the  Son 
and  the  Holy  Ghost,  whom  they  honour  with  inferior 
adoration,  just  as  the  ancients  did  the  common  Deities. 
I  suppose,  gentlemen,  you  will  allow  that  the  worship 
of  two  or  three  objects  of  different  ranks,  is  as  real  pa- 
ganism, as  the  worship  of  so  many  hundreds:  But  I  choose 
to  distinguish  the  moderns  from  others,  by  the  name  of 
Christian  pagans,  because  they  allow  Jesus  Christ  to  be 
one  of  their  secondary  Deities.  lam  greatly  obliged  to 
you,  my  brother  Fastosus,  for  your  assistance,  so  kindly 
given,  to  enable  me  to  accomplish  my  purposes;  without 
it,  I  could  not  have  brought  my  affairs  to  their  present 
happy  situation. 

Fastosus.  No,  brother,  you  could  not;  but  you  are 
at  all  times  welcome  to  my  assistance,  in  counteracting 
the  simplicity  of  gospel  truth.  I  myself  should  greatly 
suffer,  were  the  Arians  and  Socinians  to  discover  what 
part  we  have  in  their  rational  religion;  and  lam  not  with- 
out my  fears  that  the  capacity  of  the  preachers  for  mak- 
ing proselytes,  the  dwindling  away  of  their  congregations, 
and  the  contempt  in  which  they  are  in  general  held,  will 
in  time  convince  them,  "  That  the  world  by  wisdom  knew 
not  God,"  and  so  bring  them  to  change  their  present  sys- 
tem of  rational  religion  for  that  of  the  cross  of  Jesus,  which 
is  truly  rational,  and  ennobles  every  reasoning  power  of 
the  human  soul. 

Impiator.  Ah, my  sire!  What  a  subtle  spirit  you  arel 
With  what  laudable  craftiness  must  you  have  acted,  to 
succeed  in  introducing  pagan  idolatry  amongst  modern 
divines;  even  amongst  protestant  dissenters.  I  have  long 
known,  that  the  papists  are  pagans  in  disguise,  but  had 
no  thought  of  rational  Christians  being  so  far  in  alliance 
with  us. 

DiscoRDANS.  Pagans  in  disguise,  cousin!     What  do 


248  DIALOGUES 

Tou  mean?  There  is  no  mystery  at  all  in  your  father's 
doctrines;  nor  is  there  much  difference  between  the  an- 
cient pagans  and  modern  papists.  The  principal  differ- 
ence is  this:  The  popish  Juno  whom  they  call  the  mother 
of  God,  is  far  greater  in  power,  and  more  exalted  in  glory, 
than  the  wife  of  Jupiter,  the  pagan  Deitj.  The  pagan 
Juno,  acted  in  all  things  subordinate  to  the  will  of  her 
husband,  the  king  and  father  of  the  gods,  who  bore  abso- 
lute sway  over  the  heavenly  synod:  But  the  popish  Jupi- 
ter acts  in  subordination  to  the  will  of  his  virgin  mother. 
He  rules  the  creation,  indeed 5  but  then  he  is  still  subject 
to  maternal  direction;  so  that  it  is  not  God,  the  saviour 
of  sinners,  but  the  virgin  Mary,  the  popish  Juno,  who 
possesses  absolute  sovereignty;  and  what  good  they  ex- 
pect at  the  hand  of  God,  is  expected  to  be  done  in  obe- 
dience to  his  virgin  mother. 

In  all  other  thin;;?,  there  is  little  or  no  disparity 
between  the  ancient  and  modern  pantheon  worship. 
The  pagans  worshipped  angels,  whom  they  called  gods; 
the  papists  worship  them  also,  knowing  them  to'  be 
creatures.  The  first  had  their  heroes  and  heroines, 
whom  they  adored  under  the  name  of  demi-sods:  the 
latter,  also,  have  their  heroes  and  heroines,  whom  they 
worship  under  the  name  of  saints.  The  ancients  had 
their  ambiguous  oracles  and  lying  wonders,  and  the  mo- 
derns have  both,  in  far  greater  abundance;  so  that  he 
must  be  blind  indeed,  who  does  not  see  amongst  them  un- 
disguised paganism. 

Impiator.  Then  it  must  follow,  that  the  papists  are 
greater  friends  to  my  father,  Infidelis,  than  the  Arians 
and  Socinians;  because  these  bear  something  of  the  ap- 
pearance of  truth;  but  those  have  cast  off  both  truth  and 
its  appearance. 

Infidelis.  That  is  your  wisdom  again,  my  son.  Im- 
piator would  make  but  a  blundering  minister  of  state 
in  my  court,  gentlemen.  But,  my  son,  you  may  know, 
it  is  with  us  a  maxim  of  policy,  that,  ''  Whoever 
comes  nearest  the  truth,  and  is,  notwithstanding,  desti- 
tute of  it,  is  always  capable  of  doing  the  most  essential 
service  to  my  interest."  Popish  paganism  is  by  far  too 
barefaced  to  succeed  in  England,  where  its  absurdities 
have  been  so  long  detected.  English  protestants  will  not 
worship  a  god  of  the  baker's  making,  whilst  their  women 


OF  DEVILS.  249 

retain  the  art  of  making  good  plumb-pudding,  which 
will  at  any  time  be  preferred  to  the  sacramental  wafer. 
But  Arian  and  Socinian  paganism  is  so  subtly  invented, 
and  so  well  refined,  that  it  passeth  with  many  for  rational 
Christianity. 

Impiator.  I  find,  sir,  you  are  under  necessity,  as  well 
as  myself,  to  act  wisely,  with  craft  and  cunning,  finding 
that  the  same  device  will  not,  with  all  people,  at  all  times 
succeed  alike.  We  may  sometimes,  to  some  people,  ap- 
pear in  our  own  infernal  likeness,*  and  at  others  we  are 
fain  to  put  on  a  deep  disguise,  in  order  to  accomplish  our 
designs.  But  not  matter  how,  so  that  we  have  them  safe 
at  last.  However,  gentlemen,  there  being  such  a  pros- 
pect of  plenty,  I  begin  to  fear  there  will  scarcely  be  roona 
left  in  hell  for  us  devils. 

Infidelis.  Another  stroke  of  my  son's  wit.  It  is 
well,  Impiator,  that  your  business  is  to  tyrannise  only 
over  the.  thoughtless  part  of  the  human  race,  or  you 
would  be  of  little  service  to  our  fraternity.  But  have 
you  never  heard,  that  Tophet  is  wide  and  large,  without 
either  brim  or  bottom?  There  is  no  fear  of  wanting  room. 
Besides,  wherever  the  fiends  may  happen  to  be,  they  are 
always  at  home,  being  sure  to  carry  their  hell  along  with 
thera. 

Fastosus.  I  have  somewhere  seen  a  map  of  that  part  of 
your  dominions,  brother,  where  the  idolaters  dwell;  if  you 
have  got  one  about  you,  I  should  be  glad  to  have  a  des- 
cription of  it. 

IxFiDELis.  I  have,  sir,  and  am  glad  it  is  in  my  pow- 
er to  gratify  my  much  honoured  brother.  You  see, 
sir,  it  is  divided  into  two  grand  provinces,  each  inha- 
bited by  different  sects  of  idol  worshippers.  That  pro- 
vince on  the  left  contains  the  various  sects  of  civil 
idolaters,  and  this  on  the  right  contains  the  many  de- 
nominations of  their  elder  brethren,  the  religious  idola- 
ters. And,  I  assure  you,  they  are  two  bodies  of  people 
very  respectable. 

The  province  which  contains  the  civil  idolaters,  is 
divided  into  several  counties,  all  of  which  are  very 
populous.  In  the  first  county  live  the  worshippers  of 
vain  pleasure,  and  this  county  is  divided  into  several 
regalities,  in  which  the  several  sects  or  denominations 
of  idolaters  dwell,  according  to  the  diversity  of  their 


250  DIALOGUES 

inclinations.  The  first  regality  is  appointed  to  the 
worshippers  of  living  creatures.  This  swarms  with 
jockeys,  and  gamblers  of  the  turf,  both  of  noble  and 
ignoble  extraction.  Along  with  them  live  the  worship- 
pers of  foxes,  hares,  and  hounds,  a  very  jolly  race,  I 
assure  you,  well  skilled  in  the  literature  of  the  ken- 
nel. But  it  is  better  to  be  a  slave  in  a  Turkish  galley, 
than  held  as  a  divinity  in  this  regality;  for  adoration  ne- 
ver fails  to  procure  torture  to  the  idol,  as  the  panting  of 
the  hare,  and  the  well-ploughed  sides  of  the  horse,  suf- 
ficiently demonstrate.  A  little  nook  of  this  regality  is, 
by  royal  mandate,  made  over  to  sterile  wives  and  maid- 
en ladies,  who,  for  want  of  more  agreeable  objects  of  ado- 
ration, worship  monkeys,  parrots,  and  lap-dogs.  The 
second  regality  is  the  habitation  of  those  who  worship  the 
dramatic  poets,  and  their  apes  the  players.  At  the 
shrines  of  those  idols,  the  worshippers  sacrifice  health 
and  virtue,  under  pretence  of  learning  wisdom.  They 
are  a  very  fashionable  and  honoured  people,  with  whom 
legislators  and  guardians  of  public  virtue  are  not  asham- 
ed to  associate.  Here  you  may  find  legislators  patri- 
otically sacrificing  their  own  virtue,  in  order  to  protect 
that  of  their  nation;  their  own  estates,  in  order  to  as- 
sist in  public  economy;  and  faithlessly  wasting  their  own 
time,  in  order  to  teach  industry  to  the  inferior  ranks  of 
subjects. 

In  the  second  county,  you  will  find  all  the  worship- 
pers of  false  honour;  a  set  of  gentry  extremely  divided 
in  their  sentiments,  relative  to  the  object  of  their  adora- 
tion. One  holy  father  falls  down  prostrate,  like  Cardi- 
nal Wolsey,  before  the  triple  crown  and  pontifical  digni- 
ty. A  second  is  equally  devout  at  the  shrine  of  a  cardi- 
nal's hat.  And  a  third,  less  aspiring,  pays  his  devotions 
to  a  bishop's  mitre  or  prelatic  robes,  and  the  height  of 
his  present  ambition  is  a  bishopric.  Other  reverend  gen- 
tlemen offer  a  more  humble  worship  to  a  deanery,  prebend 
or  vicarage. 

It  is  very  observable,  that  in  this  county,  people 
never  worship  that  to  vvliich  they  have  already  attain- 
ed; but,  having  compassed  their  purpose,  burn  in- 
cense to  the  idol  next  in  rank,  and  thus  the  worship- 
per goes  on,  if  death  and  disappointment  do  not  pre- 


OF  DEVILS.  251 

vent  him,  until  he  has  worshipped  every  shrine  in  the 
pantheon. 

For  instance,  whilst  a  curate,  a  vicarage  is  the  idol; 
the  vicarage  obtained,  it  gives  place  to  a  prebend  or 
deanery;  which,  once  enjoyed,  they  also,  in  their  turn, 
give  place  to  a  bishopric;  that  to  an  archbishopric, 
which  is  the  principal  idol  of  the  English.  But  in 
other  countries,  there  are  idols  of  a  superior  rank,  so 
that  the  moment  an  archbishopric  is  obtained,  incense 
smokes  to  a  cardinal's  hat;  which  also  obtained,  loses 
its  worshipper,  who  is  now  converted  to  the  worship  of 
the  triple  crown,  the  great  god  and  father  of  all  the  other 
idols. 

Nor  are  the  laity  less  devout  than  their  reverend  bre- 
thren; for  one  man  worships  universal  empire,  like  Louis 
of  France,  and  some  others;  but  it  is  said  that  George  of 
Britain  is  an  apostate  from  this  religion.  Another  wor- 
ships a  crown  and  sceptre,  like  the  descendants  of  a  cer- 
tain bricklayer;  and  many  adore  the  place  of  prime  min- 
ister, chancellor  of  the  kingdom,  first  lord  of  the  treasury, 
with  every  other  place  of  honour  and  trust  in  government. 
Some  you  shall  see  fall  prostrate  before  a  star  and  garter, 
whilst  others  are  all  obedience  to  a  coronet.  The  husband 
lies  in  the  dust  before  "his  honour."  whilst  his  wife  in 
raptures  adores'' her  ladyship."  "  His  lordship"  is  bend- 
ed to  by  one,  and  another  pays  all  his  devotion  to  *'his 
grace." 

In  this  county,  you  may  find  some  men  religious 
enough  to  worship  a  corporal's  knot,  or  a  sergeant's 
halberd.  Some  worship  an  ensign's  sash,  others  a  lieu- 
tenant's commission,  whilst  the  captain  is  absolutely  as 
much  devoted  to  a  regiment,  as  his  colonel  is  to  a  mar- 
shal's staff. 

The  third  county  is  the  dwelling  of  those  who  wor- 
ship their  own  bodies,  than  which,  I  presume,  there  is 
not  a  more  ravenous  idol  in  the  synod.  Around  the 
shrine  of  this  god^,  stand  the  baker,  brewer,  pastry  cook, 
confectioner,  distiller,  weaver,  and  male  and  female  tai- 
lors. Hard  by  are  a  constellation  of  the  softer  sex  pros- 
trate before  an  Indian  shrub,  the  leaves  of  which  are  in 
great  veneration.  At  no  great  distance  are  a  cloud  of 
worshippers  of  Virginia  tobacco;  they  are  divided  into 
no  less  than  four  ditlerent  sects..    The  first  of  whom  wor- 


252  DIALOGUES 

ship  the  tobacco  in  the  neat  leaf,  cut  small,  or  well  roll- 
ed together.  The  second  worship  it  after  it  is  well 
ground  into  flour.  The  third  put  it  through  the  fire  to 
the  dear  sensation.  And  the  fourth  are  of  such  a  catho- 
lic disposition,  that  thej  worship  the  dearly  beloved  to- 
bacco in  all  its  forms.  [Of  this  last  sect  the  Listener 
professes  himself.] 

The  belly  is  worshipped  by  many,  as  the  principal 
god,  and  so  profuse  are  they  in  their  offerings,  that 
its  altar  is  sometimes  almost  overturned,  and  the  idol, 
greedy  as  it  is,  is  unable  to  bear  the  fruits  of  their 
devotion.  The  sect  of  gluttons,  a  devout  race,  ransack 
both  earth  and  sea  to  bring  plenty  of  offerings  to  the  idol; 
and  that  of  drunkards,  in  no  less  devotion,  pour  on  the 
wanes  in  such  profusion,  that  all  the  surrounding  trenches 
are  gorged  to  the  brim.  This  same  idol,  differs  exceed- 
ingly from  most  other  objects  of  idolatrous  worship;  for 
when  it  has  swilled  to  excess  in  the  drink  offering,  it  in- 
vites the  brain  to  share  in  the  feast,  to  which  it  presents 
every  vapourish  effluvia,  whilst  it  reserves  for  its  own  use 
only  the  parts  excrementitious.  Moreover,  this  same 
belly  is  apt  to  resent  the  profusion  of  its  worshippers, 
and  sends  forth  the  bluest  plagues,  most  chilling  agues, 
burning,  putrid  and  malignant  fevers,  with  all  manner 
of  acute  and  chronical  distempers,  amongst  the  worship- 
pers, and  thus  provides  employment  for  gentlemen  of  the 
faculty;  whose  business  positively,  would  be  worse  than 
that  of  a  cobbler,  but  for  the  religion  of  belly  worship- 
ping. 

In  the  fourth  county  dwell  the  worshippers  of  gold 
and  large  possessions,  some  of  whom  you  will  find  lying 
prostrate,  in  the  deepest  devotion,  to  a  fine  well  situated 
house  and  garden;  others  worshipping  a  fertile  estate 
and  well  stored  barns,  a  flock  of  fleecy  sheep,  or  an  herd 
of  fattening  bullocks.  One  man  adores  the  brace  of  nags, 
which  hurl  him  from  place  to  place,  whilst  his  friend  is 
prostrate  before  a  splendid  retinue.  Moidores,  as  well 
as  English  coin,  is  a  splendid  idol,  and  attracts  the  atten- 
tion of  many,  whilst  some  adore  a  coal  pit,  or  a  mine  of 
leaden  ore. 

Had  I  time  I  would  give  you  a  more  full  account 
of  the  religious  idolaters;  but  as  business  is  urgent,  I 
shall  only  touch  upon  some  of  their  gods.     The  great- 


OF  DEVILS.  ,  253 

est  of  which  is  his  holiness  the  present  pope,  who  dis- 
penseth  blessing  and  cursing,  casteth  down  and  ex- 
alteth  at  his  pleasure.  This  god,  who  is  exalted  above 
all  that  is  called  God,  issueth  dispensations  and  par- 
dons, for  money  and  price,  contrary  to  the  manner  of 
the  God  of  heaven.  The  one  pardons  and  gives  salva- 
tion freely  of  grace,  but  the  other  sells  his  pardons  as 
dear  as  he  can.  Next  to  his  holiness,  on  the  right  hand, 
stands  the  popish  Juno,  or  Virgin  Mary,  whose  pow- 
erful command  of  the  God  of  nature,  is  greatly  adored 
by  every  zealous  papist.  On  the  left  hand  stands  a  Je- 
sus Christ  of  wood,  whom  the  papists  also  highly  revere; 
for  they  are,  almost  to  distraction  fond  of  wooden  dei- 
ties. Some,  indeed,  have  a  Jesus  Christ  made  of  gold 
or  silver,  and  others,  more  lowly,  worship  a  paper  Sa- 
viour; but  the  most  humble  devotion  is  paid  to  the  gods 
which  the  baker  makes.  These  are  the  most  ravenous 
idolaters  in  the  whole  world;  for,  wiih  the  greatest  ea- 
gerness and  devout  veneration,  they  eat  the  object  of 
their  adoration.  Thousands  of  these  breaden  gods  are 
devoured  annually,  and  as  soon  as  devoured,  they  are 
replaced  by  others  from  the  sacred  ovens.  The  peo- 
ple, worship,  and  service,  of  the  true  Jesus  of  Nazareth, 
they  abhor  and  persecute  with  as  much  fury  as  ever 
their  ancestors  the  Romish  pagans  did.  But  if  their  own 
godsmiths,  carvers,  or  statuaries,  happen  to  produce  a 
handsome  Jesus  Christ,  or  a  mother  of  God,  the  country 
will  presently  wonder  after  it  in  the  most  profound  ado- 
ration. 

DiscoRDAN's.  I  have  sometimes  thought,  brother, 
that  the  popish  religion  is  the  religion  of  Moloch  in- 
verted. That  voracious  idol  was  uied  to  devour  the 
children  of  his  worshippers;  but  here  the  greedy  wor- 
shippers devour  their  god,  after  he  is  well  baked  in  an 
oven. 

Imfidelis.  The  ancient  pagans  were  even  foolish 
enough,  in  giving  their  children  to  that  greedy  devil, 
Moloch;  and  the  papists  are  not  much  wiser  in  worship- 
ping the  works  of  the  artificer,  or  believing  that  they 
can  eat  their  Maker.  Here  are,  likewise,  the  greatest 
variety  of  venerable  relics,  such  as  St.  Peter's  beard, 
the  ear  of  St.  Francis,  the  milk  of  the  virgin,  with  a  thou- 


254  DIALOGUES 

sand  fooleries  besides,  all  of  which  are  in  some  sense 
deified. 

Besides  these  already  mentioned,  ihere  dwell  in  this 
province,  all  who  worship  their  ancestors,  which  renders 
the  country  very  populous.  I  mean  those  who  hold  the 
canons,  confessions,  and  liturgies  composed  by  their  an- 
cestors, to  be  nearly  equal  to  the  scriptures  in  authenti- 
city. Likewise,  those  who  are  of  this  or  that  persua- 
sion, merely  because  it  was  the  faith  of  their  progeni- 
tors, without  giving  themselves  the  trouble  of  search- 
ing the  scripture,  to  know  the  truth  of  the  doctrine.  It 
is  also  here  that  the  worshippers  of  the  sacerdotal  live- 
ry dwell.  I  mean  those  who  venerate  a  man  merely  for 
the  sake  of  his  gown  and  cassock,  without  inquiring 
v/hether  his  doctrine  and  conversation  render  him  vene- 
rable. 

But  I  should  tire  your  patience,  was  I  to  give  you  a 
minute  description  of  my  vastly  extended  country,  as 
well  as  lead  you  to  imitate  the  sloth  of  the  children  of 
men.  I  shall  therefore  beg  leave  here  to  desist.  At  the 
usual  time  I  will  meet  you.  Business  calls  me  hence  at 
present. 


OF  DEVILS.  255 


DIALOGUE  XVII. 


ALL  THE  DLVLOGEANS  PRi:SENT. 

Privy  to  their  appointment,  I  made  business  give  way 
to  curiosity,  and  I  was  as  punctual  in  my  attendance  as 
they  were  in  theirs.  At  the  same  time  before  agreed  to, 
they  assembled,  resumed  their  seats,  and  Fastosus  thus 
began: 

Fastosus.  It  is  true,  sir,  your  son  Avaro.  hath  greatly 
exceeded  my  expectations,  and  proves  himself  to  be  an  ex- 
pert devil.  He  will,  I  think,  do  honour  to  the  name  of 
Infidelis,  and  may  greatly  contribute  to  the  flourishing 
estate  of  the  kingdom  of  pride.  I  should  be  glad  if  Avaro 
might  now  a  little  enlarge  upon  tlie  hints  he  has  already 
given,  that  we  may  further  see  the  prosperity  of  our  gene- 
ral interest. 

DiscoRDAxs.  That  will  be  very  grateful  to  me,  cousin 
Avaro,  as  your  sordid  and  griping  influences  have  the 
most  happy  effect  upon  the  reign  of  contention.  How 
have  I  been  delighted,  when  one  of  your  slaves  has  drop- 
ped into  the  grave,  leaving  behind  him  vast  possessions, 
by  the  discord  1  have  sown  amongst  his  children  and  kins- 
folks. Your  slaves  dare  not  think  of  dying  and  enter- 
ing into  another  world;  therefore  it  sometimes  happens, 
that  after  the  muck-worm  has  been,  by  every  means,  and 
every  kind  of  rapine,  scraping  wealth  together  for  many 
years,  he  drops  into  eternity,  v/ithout  leaving  behind 
him  any  authentic  direction  how  his  plunder  is  to  be  dis- 
posed of.  This  gives  me  a  fair  opportunity  of  setting  his 
relations  together  by  the  ears,  about  who  shall  get  most 
of  the  miser's  effects  to  himself;  and  I  have  the  happi- 
ness, frequently,  of  planting  irreconcilable  enmity  in 
the  heart  of  one  brother  and  sister  against  another,  which, 
you  know,  is  a  comfortable  sight  to  our  infernal  nobili- 

Sometimes,  the  griping  miser,  that  enemy  to  himself 
and  all  mankind,  is  overpersuaded  to  make  his  will, 
tiiough  secretly  hoping  he  shall  not  die  for  a  great  wliile 


256  DIALOGUES 

yet  to  come;  and  then  the  case  is  very  little  altered 3 
For  when  the  wretch  goes  to  the  place  appointed  for  the 
covetous,  his  will  is  unsatisfactory  to  some  of  the  relations 
one  has  too  much,  and  the  other  has  too  little  left  him. 
Here,  disagreeable  altercation  succeeds  the  funeral  obse- 
quies, and  division  and  everlasting  disgust  sums  up  the 
whole.  Unless,  indeed,  that  relation  who  has  too  little 
bequeathed  to  him,  should  call  in  the  gentleman  of  the 
law  to  decide  the  matter  in  some  court  oT  judicature;  and 
who,  having  fleeced  both  the  fools,  as  handsomely  as  the 
nature  of  the  thing  would  admit  of,  refer  them  at  last  to  an 
arbitration. 

I  assure  you,  cousin,  I  scarcely  ever  see  one  of  your 
industrious  slaves,  but  I  flatter  a  hope  of  having  some 
employment  in  his  family  on  his  demise;  nor  do  I  know 
any  other  real  use  that  the  miser's  ill-gotten  money  is 
of  to  society,  besides  sowing  discord  among  friends  and 
relations.  The  wretch  meanly  robs  his  own  back  and 
belly,  as  well  as  all  he  deals  with,  to  answer  purposes 
no  more  valuable  by  his  having.  But  I  prevent  you,  cou- 
sin. 

AvARo.  I  cannot  easily  depart  from  the  tent  of  the 
scarlet  lady,  whose  name  is  Mystic  Babylon,  without 
making  farther  honourable  mention  of  her  prudent  chil- 
dren. The  wise  disposal  of  purgatorial  fire  has  been  al- 
ready exemplilieil,and  the  dispensation  and  pardon  mar- 
ket has  been  glanced  at;  but  one  way  of  getting  money 
besides  these  I  shall  now  instance.  I  have  laid  my  claim 
to  the  popish  clergy  in  general;  but  of  them  all,  there  are 
none  who  exceed  the  worthy  lords,  the  inquisitors,  in  ven- 
eration of  my  golden  image.  This  religion  of  the  golden 
image  was  first  invented  by  the  clergy  of  Bab}  Ion,  and  I 
assure  you,  to  this  day,  the  clergy  of  Babylon  invariably 
follow  it.  But  the  inquisitors,  of  all  others,  are  the  most 
zealous  devotees  of  this  golden  god,  first  set  up  by  the 
parsons  of  Babylon. 

Never  did  an  eagle  look  out  for  a  dove,  nor  an  hawk 
for  a  sparrow,  with  greater  vigilance  than  their  lordships 
are  wont  to  look  out  for  a  prey.  If,  within  their  juris- 
diction, there  happens  to  be  a  stranger,  whose  circum- 
stances are  prosperous,  and  who  is  likely  to  be  a  good 
bone  for  their  reverences  to  pick;  it  shall  go  hard  but  they 
will  provoke  him,  by  some  of  their  emissaries,  to  sajr 


OF  DEVILS.  Q57 

something  against  the  inquisitive  tribunal,  which,  in 
some  countries,  is  deemed  the  unpardonable  sin.  No 
sooner  has  the  insinuating  priest,  by  indirect  means,  ob- 
tained matter  of  accusation,  but  he  makes  information  in 
the  holy  office,  before  the  fathers,  who,  on  hearing  the 
blessed  report,  are  as  much  delighted  as  the  wolf,  when 
he  has  fanged  a  prev.  The  merchant  is  apprehended,  his 
estate  confiscated;  he  is  immured  in  the  prison  cells  un- 
til consumed  either  by  famine  or  vermin,  otherwise  he  is 
tortured  privately  to  death,  by  the  hands  of  their  sanctified 
ruffians. 

One  instance  of  the  many,  which  T  might  produce, 
shall  serve  to  exemplify  the  equity  of  the  inquisitors. 
"When  Syracuse  was  in  its  glory,  there  was  one  Bellarius, 
a  foreign  merchant,  who,  in  the  course  of  business,  had 
amassed  great  riches;  and  v.ho,  at  the  same  time,  was  so 
circumspect  in  all  his  ways,  that  even  the  eye  of  an  emis- 
sary of  the  office,  could  find  nothing  of  which  to  accuse 
him  to  the  tribunal.  Thus  he  lived  in  reputation  and 
affluence  many  years,  to  the  great  impatience  of  the  ho- 
ly inquisitors,  who  could  find  no  plausible  pretence  by 
which  they  might  fang  his  substance  with  their  rapacious 
talons. 

Bellarius  had  an  only  child,  a  lady  about  seventeen. 
Her  person  was  the  perfection  of  symmetry,  and  her 
mind  a  copy  of  the  purest  virtue.  By  her  they  found 
means  to  accomplish  their  purposes,  and  bring  complica- 
ted ruin  on  the  unhappy  parent.  The  family,  retii  ed  to 
peaceful  repose,  were  one  night  alarmed  about  one  in  the 
morning,  first  by  the  approach  of  a  coach,  and  then  by  a 
smart  rapping  at  the  gate.  Bellarius  from  within  ask- 
ed, ''Whois  there?"  Was  answered,  *'The  holy  in- 
quisition." Down  stairs  he  run,  flew  to  the  gates,  in 
obedience  to  the  dread  tribunal,  and  opened  to  receive 
those  ministers  of  darkness.  Understanding  they  were 
come  for  his  daughter,  in  farther  obedience  to  those 
leaders  of  the  church,  he  went  himself  up  to  her  cham- 
ber, brought  her  down  trembling  as  she  was,  and  deliver- 
ed her  into  the  hands  of  the  horrid  ravishers,  who  car- 
ried her  oft*  to  the  seraglio,  in  the  office  of  inquisition. 
Where  for  the  present  we  leave  her,  through  fear  of 
death,  seduced  from  her  virtue,  by  those  pretended  pa- 
22* 


258  DIALOGUES 

trons  of  religion,  and  return  to  the  unhappy,  disconsolate 
father. 

Impiator.  Well,  brother,  I  find  then  the  priests  of 
Rome  are  not  so  much  addicted  to  eunuchry  as  they  pre- 
tend. It  is  lawful,  it  seems,  to  ravish  virgins,  however 
unlawful  it  may  be  to  have  a  married  wife.  I  have  often 
heard  of  the  seraglio  of  princes,  but  not  so  often  of  the  se- 
raglio of  priests,  and  tho?e  priests  too,  who,  of  all  others, 
are  the  most  zealous  wanderers  after  the  seven  headed 
beast. 

AvARo.  Distressed  and  comfortless,  Bellarius  remain- 
ed at  home,  forsook  all  company,  and  conversed  only  with 
the  various  cogitations  of  his  own  foreboding  mind.  At 
one  time,  he  conjectured  that  his  hapless  daughter,  in 
some  inadvertent  moment,  might  have  blasphemed,  either 
the  wooden  virgin  Mary,  or  the  great  high  priest  of  Rome, 
or  the  holy  inquisitors;  in  which  case,  he  gave  her  up 
for  lost,  and  doomed  her  to  fall  a  sacrifice.  Yet  could  he 
scarcely  forgive  the  rigour  of  that  religion,  which  had  in 
such  a  merciless  manner  ravished  her  from  his  fond  em- 
brace. 

It  was  not  long  after  this,  an  Armenian  merchant,  said 
to  be  newly  arrived  in  Syracuse,  called  on  him,  under 
pretence  of  buying  a  large  assortment  of  goods.  Gener- 
ous and  unsuspecting,  Bellarius  bid  him  welcome  to  his 
house  during  his  stay;  which  he,  after  some  seemingly 
modest  apologies,  thankfully  accepted.  The  pretended 
Armenian,  perceiving  Bellarius  to  eat  but  little  at  supper, 
and  now  and  then  inadvertently  to  let  slip  a  sigh,  took  oc- 
casion to  rally  him,  in  a  friendly  manner,  as  if  troubled 
with  the  hyp',  advised  him  to  cheer  up,  and  hope  for 
better  times. 

Bellarius,  having  but  little  relish  for  a  jest,  seriously 
replied,  "'  No,  sir.  the  hyp'  is  not  my  present  disease, 
neither  have  ray  affairs  in  trade  taken  an  adverse  turn; 
and  yet  there  is  one  thing  which  gives  me  great  distress. 
The  friendlv  Armenian  was  now  more  importunate  to 
know  his  grievance,  that  he  might  at  least  sympathize 
with  him  in  his  affliction.  Little  suspecting  that  he  was 
conflicting  with  priestly  subtilty,  he  thought  he  might 
safely  lodge  his  circumstances  in  the  generous  bosom  of  a 
merchant.  He  replied,  sir,  I  suppose  you  are  a  stranger 
in  Syracuse;  as  such,  let  me  advise  you,  as  you  value  your 


OF  DEVILS.  259 

life  and  liberty,  to  be  careful  of  your  words,  and  every 
part  of  your  deportment,  during  your  abode,*  for  this  is  a 
place  of  danger.  I  have,  sir,  one  only  daughter,  the  per- 
fect image  of  her  lovely  mother,  whom  I  had  the  misery 
to  bury  but  a  few  months  ago.  I  know  not  by  what  temp- 
tation,'but  my  poor  girl  has  said  something  dishonoKrable, 
either  of  the  lady  of  Loretto,  his  holiness  the  pope,  or 
their  lordships  the  inquisitors,  for  which  she  is  imprisoned 
in  the  holy  office,  and  I  suppose  must  answer  it  with  her 
life. 

Oh,  sir,  I  hope  not,  said  the  Armenian^  the  lady's 
youth  will  intercede  for  her,  and  after  some  gentle  admo- 
nition, your  daughter  will  be  returned  to  the  house  of  her 
father. 

Ah,  sir,  rejoined  the  disconsolate  Bellarius,  I  cannot  but 
fear  that  her  youth  and  beauty  are  her  greatest  enemies 
and  accusers.  These  are  qualities  capable  of  impress- 
ing even  the  heart  of  an  inquisitor.  If  this  is  the  case, 
my  poor  daughter  is  already  either  dead  or  debauched.  Or 
should  it  happen  that  any  thin^  has  been  alleged  against 
her  religious  conduct,  there  are  instruments  enough  in  the 
inquisition,  and  their  lordships  want  not  skill  to  use  them; 
instruments  sufficient  to  make  an  helpless  virgin  confess 
that  which  even  never  entered  her  thoughts:  So  that,  at 
all  events,  her  death  or  dishonour  is  ensured.  No,  sir,  it 
is  not  possible  for  me  to  hope  for  better,  seeing  the  least 
hint  thrown  out  against  the  inquisition  is  condemned  as 
unpardonable  blasphemy. 

it  was  not  long  after  this  discourse,  before  the  Arme- 
nian feigned  a  necessity  of  going  out;  went  straight  to 
the  inquisition,  and  made  information,  being  a  Jesuit 
disguised  as  a  merchant;  and  that  very  night  a  coach  was 
sent  to  conduct  Bellarius  to  the  celfs  of  their  dreadful 
prison.  Next  day  his  eft'ects  were  seized  by  order  of  the 
holy  fathers,  who  now  rejoiced  that  at  last  they  had 
grasped  the  long  wished  for  prey.  Confined  in  an  a- 
bominable  cell,  he  was  greatly  annoyed  by  vermin:  and, 
being  divers  times  examined  by  torture,  he  died  with 
grief  for  his  daughter,  who,  as  she  could  never  freely 
yield  to  the  loathsome  embrace  of  those  murderers,  in 
a  few  months  tired  their  patience.  Then  one  of  their 
sanctified  ruffians  first  murdered  her,  and  then  burned 
her  to  ashes  in  the  dry  pan.     It  is  amazing,  gentlemen, 


260  DIALOGUES 

to  what  lengths  the  lust  of  money  and  women  will  carrj 
men. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  think  your  friends,  thein- 
'quisitors,  bid  fair  for  equalling  the  most  subtil  of  our  fra- 
t-ernitv.  Oh  what  means  of  procuring  wealth  have  you 
taught  their  reverences  of  the  Romish  hierarchy  I  Selling 
of  dispensations  and  pardons,  begging  of  money  for  mas- 
ses, &c.  &c.  are  profitable  articles,  and  turn  to  a  good  ac- 
count. But  if  I  remember  right,  you  told  me  a  few  days 
since,  your  vassals  are  divided  into  several  companies, 
or  communities,  and  that  people  of  all  kingdoms,  ranks, 
and  professions,  are  at  this  day  worshippers  of  the  god 
Avaro.  I  should  be  glad  to  hear  something  farther  about 
them. 

Avaro.  I  did  so,  sir,  dnd  shall  be  ready  farther  to 
oblige  you,  if  to  give  you  a  brief  view  of  our  corpo- 
ration, M'hich,  like  all  ether  towns  corporate,  consists 
of  divers  companies,  will  do  it.  The  first  of  which  is 
that  of 

The  lawyers.  A  very  wise  set  of  gentlemen;  who  ex- 
ceed the  children  of  light,  in  the  art  of  money -getting,  as 
far  as  any  of  the  inhabitants  of  our  territories;  of  course 
they  are  held  in  great  estimation,  as  gentlemen  of  the  first 
intelligence.  In  our  city  of  Avarice,  there  is  no  know- 
ledge deemed  of  any  avail,  no  conduct  accounted  virtu- 
ous, besides  that  of  money-getting.  He  is  always  the 
wisest,  best,  and  most  virtuous  man,  who  best  succeeds 
in  the  lucrative  art,  whether  in  law,  or  in  trade,  or  other- 
wise. There  was  a  time,  you  know,  when  the  law  was 
straight,  as  clear  as  a  beam  of  light,  and  needed  no  ex- 
pounding, so  that  every  man  was  his  own  counsellor. 
But  ever  since  the  kings  of  England  were  kept  prisoners 
under  a  guard,  lest  truth  should  become  familiar  to  the 
roval  ear,  the  case  has  been  OjUite  altered;  now  it  is  so 
full  of  pleas  and  demurrers,  doubts  and  exceptions,  &:c. 
that  it  is  a  perfect  labyrinth,  dangerous  for  an  honest 
man  to  enter.  For,  in  the  lawyers'  company,  it  is  a 
standing  rule,  that  whether  the  plaineift'or  defendant  lose 
the  cause,  the  lawyers,  on  both  sides,  are  sure  to  be  con- 
siderable gainers.  Indeed,  it  is  very  seldom  but  tliey 
manage  the  matter  so,  that  all  parties,  except  themselves-, 
are  losers;  and  if  he  who  gains  the  trial  finds  himself  in 
the  end  to  be  a  loser,  how  do  you  think  it  must  fare  with 


OF  DEVILS.  261 

the  wretch  against  whom  the  verdict  is  given?  If  an 
honest  man  has  a  mind  to  purchase  an  estate  ever  so 
fairlj,  and  pay  for  it  ever  so  iionestlv,  he  will  find  it  a 
difficult  matter  so  to  secure  his  title,  but  if  any  suc- 
ceeding heir  be  bred  to  the  law,  or  heiress  be  married 
to  a  lawyer,  he  may  run  a  risk  of  being  jostled  out  of 
his  property  by  some  knavish  quirk  in  law,  without  any 
allowance  made  either  for  the  estate  or  its  impro\e- 
ments. 

Indeed,  sir,  it  may  be  said  of  my  faithful  disciples, 
the  lawyers,  attornies,  bailiffs,  &c.  that  they  pay  as  little 
regard  to  truth  as  the  greatest  of  ourselves.  Right  and 
wrong,  equity  and  oppression,  are  no  objects  of  their  re- 
gard, providing  the  case  will  yield  good  advantage,  and 
bring  large  grist  to  their  mill:  an  instance  of  this,  if  you 
please,  gentlemen,  I  shall  give  you. 

Contumelius  was  a  Yorkshire  gentleman,  of  distin- 
guished birth  and  ample  fortune,  but  somewhat  akin  to 
the  mad  Macedonian.  His  country  seat  stood  by  the  side 
of  a  lane,  through  which  neighbouring  farmers  passed 
with  their  teams,  from  time  immemorial.  But  so  much 
passing  and  repassing  of  the  whistling  clowns,  follow- 
ing their  wagons,  at  last  proved  very  offensive  to  the 
worshipful  'squire,  so  that  he  resolved  to  remove  the  in- 
tolerable nuisance,  by  blocking  up  the  way.  A  gate 
was  accordingly  put  up,  and  fastened  with  a  padlock, 
effectually  to  stop  the  clownish  passengers  from  passing 
as  before,  and  turn  them  by  a  way  considerably  more 
distant. 

As  soon  as  the  'squire's  proceeding  reached  the  ear  of 
Mr.  Loveright,  a  neighbouring  farmer,  he  ordered  his 
wagon  to  drive  directly  to  the  gate,  and  finding  it  locked, 
took  an  axe,  which  he  brought  with  him  for  that  purpose, 
and,  to  the  great  mortification  of  'Squire  Contumelius, 
hewed  it  to  pieces.  His  worship,  in  a  rage,  posted  to 
Mr.  Deceitful,  a  very  eminent  lawyer  in  a  neighbouring 
town,  for  his  advice.  The  worthy  lawyer,  finding  this  a 
proper  occasion  of  serving  his  own  interest,  advised  the 
'squire  to  send  for  a  writ,  and  commence  an  action  against 
the  farmer  fur  his  intolerable  insolence.  In  a  few  days 
the  writ  was  served  on  Loveright,  who  immediately  waited 
on  lawyer  Deceitful,  in  order,  if  possible,  to  compromise 
the  matter. 


262  DIALOGUES 

_  He  no  sooner  entered  the  office,  than  Mr.  Deceitful  took 
him  aside,  and  thus  addressed  him:  '*  I  am  heartily  sorry, 
mj  good  Mr.  Loveright,  that  I  have  been  in  a  manner 
obliged,  by  his  worship  Contumelius,  to  send  for  a  writ 
against  you.  But  I  assure  you,  sir,  in  my  opinion,  your 
side  of  the  question  is  by  much  the  safest;  and  might  I 
advise,  it  would  be  to  stand  a  trial,  and  by  no  means 
submit  to  a  compromise.  Knowing  the  farmer  to  be  a 
man  of  substance  and  resolution,  he  continued,  There 
is  no  bearing  with  such  insolent  treatment.  For  my 
own  part,  Mr.  Loveright,  I  would  much  rather  you  had 
been  my  client,  on  the  present  occasion,  than  the  giddy 
'squire;  but  he  first  applied  to  me,  and  insisted  on  my 
doing  what  I  have  done.  If  you  please,  you  may  apply 
to  my  brother  Falsehood,  who  is  as  skilful  as  any  man, 
and  as  honest  as  any  lawyer  I  know.  In  the  mean 
w^hile,  sir,  you  may  depend  on  me  as  your  real  friend, 
ready  to  serve  you  in  every  thing  consistent  with  my 
reputation." 

As  soon  as  Loveright  was  departed,  Mr.  Deceitful  took 
horse,  and  rode  directly  to  the  'squire's  house;  told  him 
the  farmer  had  been  with  him,  heartily  repented  of  his 
folly,  and  v.as  very  desirous  of  coming  to  terms  of  agree- 
ment. But  were  the  case  mine,  said  he,  I  v/ould  listen 
to  no  terms  of  accommodation,  but  punish  his  insolence  to 
the  utmost  rigour  of  law.  The  low-life  fellow,  having  got 
forward  in  the  world,  has  forgotten  himself;  and,  if  suf- 
fered now  to  escape  with  impunity,  he  will  be  the  pest  of 
the  neighbourhood.  Thus  the  worthy  lawyer  irritated 
both  parties,  until  he  had  made  sure  of  an  assize  hearing, 
that,  in  the  debate,  he  might  likewise  insure  to  himself  a 
sum  very  considerable.  For  he  knew  very  well,  that  if 
ever  a  difVereace  falls  into  the  insatiable  maw  of  the  court, 
it  will  never  be  disgorged  until  all  costs  of  suit  are  amply 
paid  ofi';  for  it  is  impossible  for  any  mercenary  scrib- 
blers to  give  any  credit.  Let  them  act  justly  or  unjustly, 
they  make  sure  of  their  fees;  and,  as  the  one  party  must 
necessarily  lose,  both  counsellor  and  attorney  take  care 
to  father  the  miscarriage  of  the  cause  on  something  which 
the  client  has  done,  which  he  ought  not;  or  omitted, 
which  he  ought  to  have  done:  And  notwithstanding  all 
tlieir  fraud  and  deceit,  both  of  them  come  off  good  honest 
lawyers. 


OF  DEVILS.  263 

The  second  company,  and  next  in  reputation  to  that  of 
the  lawyers,  is  the  parson's  company,  which  is  also  very 
flourishing  and  reverend.  That  you  may  not  mistake  my 
meaning,  by  parsons,  I  intend  all,  in  general,  of  every 
denomination,  who  are  ministers  merely  for  the  sake  of  a 
living;  more  especially, 

1.  All  who  profess  to  my  lord  bishop  that  they  are 
moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost  to  take  upon  them  the  office  of 
a  deacon,  when,  in  reality,  it  is  the  hope  of  a  benefice  by 
which  they  are  stimulated;  and  who,  afterwards,  in  the 
course  of  their  pulpiteering,  tell  the  people  that  it  is  en- 
thusiasm in  any  person  to  expect  to  receive  the  Holy  Ghost 
in  these  days. 

2.  All  who,  sustaining  the  sacerdotal  character,  lead 
men  into  sin,  or  harden  those  who  are  insensible,  either 
by  conniving  at  the  sins  of  their  people,  or  by  being  guilty 
of  the  like  themselves.  These  gentlemen  are  pretty  nu- 
merous. 

3.  All  who  act  rigorously  towards  their  parishioners 
in  regard  to  temporal  things,  who  evidently  show  more 
concern  about  tithes  and  offerings  than  about  the  everlast- 
ing welfare  of  their  people. 

4.  All  in  holy  orders,  who,  through  covetousness,  idle- 
ness, or  any  other  unjustifiable  cause,  withhold  from 
their  people  the  stated  ministration  of  the  word  and  ord- 
inances. Set  a  mark  upon  them,  for  they  are  all  my  dis- 
ciples. 

5.  Wherever  you  meet  with  a  gentleman  in  holy  or- 
ders, who  is  so  far  above  the  bulk  of  his  auditory, 
that  he  will  not  condescend  to  converse  even  with  the 
meanest  about  the  state  of  his  soul,  the  work  of  the 
Spirit,  and  way  of  salvation,  such  are  idle  shepherds, 
unnatural  pastors,  and  altogether  devoted  to  the  god 
Avaro. 

Impiator.  So  then,  cousin,  I  find  you  have  parsons  of 
more  denominations  than  one;  they  are  not  all  engrossed 
by  the  established  churches  in  England  and  on  the  conti- 
nent, it  seems.  Yet  I  meet  with  many  who,  with  great 
warmth,  will  vindicate  their  own  denomination  by  whole- 
sale, and  deem  it  little  less  than  blasphemy  to  suppose  that 
they  embrace  any  thing  erroneous.  Yet  none  more  ready 
to  censure  and  condemn  those  who  are  of  a  different  per- 
suasion. 


264  DIALOGUES 

Avaho.  The  truth  is,  my  parsons  are  scattered  abroad 
among  all  sects  of  professors^  for  the  time  is  not  yet  come 
that  any  one  sect  can  justly  assert  that  none  of  their 
ministers  have  any  other  object  in  view  but  the  glory  of 
God,  and  the  good  of  mankind.  Nor  will  the  time  com- 
mence, before  ihat  important  question,  'who  shall  be  the 
greatest:'  is  finally  deciiled;  which  it  is  thought  will 
be  a  great  while  first,  seeing  it  hath  already  puzzled  the 
schoolmen  and  leaders  of  the  church  for  sixteen  ceuturiei 
back. 

But,  to  return  to  the  parson's  company;  wherever  you 
meet  with  a  clergyman  who  answers  the  description 
I  have  given,  you  need  not  ask  him  whether  he  is  a 
churchman  or  a  ilissenter.  All  you  have  to  do,  is  to 
put  Beelzebub's  mark  upon  his  forehead,  and  take  assur- 
ance of  him,  that,  at  a  certain  lime,  he  shall  not  fail  to 
visit  the  nether  regions,  and  take  his  abode  in  the  infernal 
palace. 

In  this  very  populous  company  there  is  great  diversity 
of  ranks,  even  v/here  there  is  an  equality  of  genius;  for 
some,  havirjg  scarcely  finished  their  apprenticeship,  are 
inducted  into  livings,  and  instantly  commence  rectors  and 
tithe  gatherers.  Others,  for  want  of  friep»ds,  are  obliged, 
much  against  their  inclination,  to  continue  underlings  all 
the  length  of  a  tedious  life.  I  have  seen  a  handsome  par-? 
son,  ere  now,  riding  upon  four  oi-  five  steeples  at  once, 
and  having  more  in  expectation,  whilst  his  fellow  student 
could  scarcely  procure  biown  bread  and  AVelsh  butter. 
And  amongst  all  tiie  piuralistsof  my  acquaintance,  I  know- 
not  of  one  that  has  got  livings  enough:  but,  Give,  give,  is 
still  their  fervent  prayer  to  my  lord  bishop,  or  some  other 
patron,  v/ho  has  a  benefice  to  bestow.  Many,  indeed, 
think  they  should  be  quite  contented  if  they  had  but  one 
more  benefice  added  to  what  they  now  enjoy;  but  I  can 
tell  you,  couid  they  come  by  another,  there  would  still 
be  another  wanting.  It  is  much,  now  so  many  clergy- 
men find  themselves  uneasy  in  the  trammels,  if  they  do 
not  at  last  take  it  into  taeir  heads  to  persuade  the  legis- 
lature that  a  clergyman  cannot  preach  in  three  or  four 
churches  atone  and  the  same  time:  And  that  it  is  not  per- 
fectly COPS  si.ent,  either  with  Christianity  or  reason,  that 
one  clergyman  should  have  three  or  four  livings,  whilst 


OF  DEVILS.  265 

another  has  none.  Should  it  come  to  this,  my  company 
must  be  terrible  suft'erers. 

Impiator.  One  would  really  think,  if  the  cure  of  souls 
is  as  weisihty  a  concern  as  some  people  make  it,  the  par- 
sons would  not  be  so  fond  of  pluralities;  of  adding  living 
to  living,  and  parish  to  parish. 

AvARo.  The  cure  of  souls,  forsooth!  My  parsons  care 
rot  who  take  the  souls.  The  fleece,  cousin,  the  fleece, 
attracts  their  attention.  Give  an  avaricious  parson  the 
fleece,  and  you  may  make  fairies  of  the  souls  of  the  pa- 
rishioners, if  you  will.  Many  of  them  do  very  little 
of  the  priest's  office,  besides  collecting  the  tithes  and 
otferings,  at  which  they  are  wonderfully  dexterous.  But 
as  to  preaching,  they  have  no  notion  of  it,  and  less  still 
of  visiting  the  sick,  were  they  even  in  the  jaws  of  death. 
I  assure  you,  gentlemen,  those  idle  shepherds  are  of  the 
greatest  use  to  our  government.  The  interest  of  hell 
could  not  prosper  as  it  does,  were  we  not  well  befriended 
by  many  gentlemen  in  holy  orders. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  have  often  thought  that 
without  their  assistance  we  should  be  ill  put  to  it  to 
maintain  our  ground  against  the  votaries  of  Immanuel. 
What  posting  to  and  from  hell  is  there  amongst  our 
sable  brethren,  when  but  one  faithful  and  zealous  gos- 
pel minister  arises  in  a  nation?  You  may  remember 
when  Luther  and  Calvin  broke  the  chain  of  the  pope 
and  devil,  lifted  up  the  voice  of  the  gospel  trumpet, 
which  resounded  through  the  bowels  of  hell,  and  made 
the  pillars  of  our  infernal  kingdom  totter,  what  hurly- 
burly  we  all  were  in!  Vt^hat  deep  consultations  in  the 
divan!  What  diligence  in  action  with  our  forces  upon 
earth! 

AvARo.  True,  sir;  but  times  are  much  altered  for 
the  better.  Many  a  well-paid  parson,  now-a-days,  is  so 
obliging  as  to  sing  a  lullaby  to  his  people,  when  he  finds 
them  snoring  in  the  sleep  of  security,  and  will  suffer  no 
man  to  attempt  their  awakening.  He  kindly  tells  them, 
*'  that  they  may  sleep  on  now,  and  take  their  rest,  for  the 
ivolf  is  gone  out  of  the  country,  and  will  not  for  a  great 
while  return.  Let  no  man  disturb  you  with  idle  notions, 
for  you  may  all  go  asleep  to  heaven,  without  ever  know- 
ing what  conversion  means." 

Infidelis.  It  is  admirable  what  power  these  same 
23 


266  DIALOGUES 

gentlemen  have  gotten  over  reason  and  religion.  I  have 
often  thought,  that  if  ever  they  were  to  read  their 
Bibles  with  attention,  they  could  not  be  off  from  see- 
ing that  they  themselves  are  the  identical  persons  in- 
tended  by  the  idle  shepherds,  and  unfaithful  watchmen, 
against  whom  so  many  curses  are  denounced  in  scrip- 
ture. The  idle  shepherds,  you  know,  are  such  who  feed 
and  adorn  themselves  with  the  spoils  of  the  flock,  which 
is  suffered  to  perish  unwarned,  and  to  die  for  lack  of 
knowledge.  The  idle  shepherd  is  that  lordly  priest, 
that  downy  doctor,  who  keeps  at  an  awful  distance  from 
men  of  ordinary  rank,  and  is  too  much  of  the  gentle- 
man to  give  himself  any  concern  about  the  souls  of  his 
parishioners. 

Many  of  those  idle  shepherds  I  know,  who  possess 
some  hundreds,  aye,  some  of  them  thousands  per  an- 
num, who  will  not  so  much  as  ask  one  of  their  cure, 
whether  he  intends  to  go  to  heaven  or  hell  at  death,  or 
whether  he  serves  God  or  the  devil;  yet  if  a  parishioner 
'die,  they  will  keep  as  penetrating  a  look-out  for  their  fees 
as  an  eagle  for  his  prey,  and  seize  it  with  equal  eager- 
ness. Moreover,  fur  the  sake  of  this  same  fee,  they  will 
own  the  deceased  for  a  brother,  which  privilege  was  al- 
ways denied  him  whilst  alive,  unless  he  should  indeed 
have  happened  to  be  one  of  the  fat  of  the  flock,  who  was 
capable  of  yielding  a  double  fleece. 

AvARo.  It  is  the  fleece,  sir,  which  my  disciples  regard, 
and  not  the  flock.  How  have  I  been  diverted  sometimes, 
both  at  church  and  meeting-house,  to  hear  the  parson, 
with  an  air  the  most  supercilious  and  contemptful,  rail- 
ing against  the  most  useful  of  God's  ministers,  as  enthu- 
siasts, fanatics,  and  methodistsi  Ah!  said  I  to  myself, 
what  poor  honest  devils  were  those  of  old,  who  confessed 
Christ  and  his  disciples,  and  thus  declared  to  the  sons  of 
Sceva,  "  Jesus  we  know,  and  Paul  we  know,  but  who  are 
you?" 

Sometimes  I  hear  them  crying  with  vehemence  against 
the  divinity  of  Immanuel;  one  making  him  some  kind  of 
a  super-angelical  being,  and  another  asserting  that  he  is 
only  a  man,  like  themselves.  Then  say  I,  what  a  pusil- 
lanimous spirit  was  that  same  devil  Legion,  who,  without 
receiving  either  tithe  or  offering,  confessed  Jesus  of  Naz- 
areth to  be  the  only  Son  of  God,  to  whom  the  scripturei 


OF  DEVILS.  267 

ascribe  every  divine  honour.  But  these  parsons  are  well 
piid  for  confessing  him,  and  yet  deny  him  with  the  utmost 
insolence. 

There  is  never  a  day  but  I  hear  some  of  this  company 
charging  the  lie  upon  one  text  or  other  of  the  Bible.  One 
tells  his  people  that  there  is  no  such  thing  as  one  being 
chosen  to  salvation  more  than  another;  but  that  the  love 
of  God  is  equal  unto,  and  upon  all  men,  whether  Jew  or 
Gentile,  Turk  or  Pagan,  papist  or  protestant;  nay  then, 
say  I,  master  parson,  you  are  become  a  dissenter  from 
your  own  seventeenth  article.  And,  to  speak  within  com- 
pass, there  are  at  least  a  thousand  pulpits  in  the  church 
occupied  by  such  dissenters. 

Then  I  hear  others  railing  against  those  who  preach 
salvation  by  grace;  and,  at  the  same  time,  assuring  their 
people,  that  they  must  be  saved  by  their  own  holiness  and 
good  works.  Very  well,  say  I,  then  I  have  my  desire, 
for  upon  these  terms  they  will  never  be  saved  at  all.  But 
Btill  I  am  at  a  loss  how  they  dare  so  barefacedly  give  the 
lie  to  Paul  the  apostle,  who  taught  the  church,  that,  "By 
grace  they  were  saved  through  faith,  and  that  not  of  them- 
selves, but  the  gift  of  God.-'  I  hear  many  clergymen  of 
the  established  church,  in  entering  upon  the  service,  thus 
address  the  Majesty  of  heaven,  ''  Lord,  cleanse  thou  the 
thoughts  of  our  hearts,  by  the  inspiration  of  the  Holy 
Spirit;"  and  in  less  than  an  hour  after,  telling  their  parish- 
ioners that  it  is  mere  enthusiasm  in  any  man  to  expect, 
in  these  days,  to  be  at  all  influenced  by  the  inspiration  of 
the  Holy  Spirit. 

So  glaring  the  contradictions  Avhich  sometimes  they  are 
guilty  of,  that  I  tremble  with  fear,  lest  the  people  should 
be  convinced  of  the  truth;  but  these  are  favourable  times, 
gentlemen,  very  favourable;  for  the  greater  part  of  the 
people  have  something  else  to  think  of,  when  they  go  to 
church,  besides  either  preaching  or  prayer. 

When  I  hear  the  parson,  whether  churchman  or  dissen- 
ter, telling  his  people  how  holy  and  pure  the  heart  of  man 
is  by  nature;  how  aptly  formed  for  sentiments  of  the 
most  exalted  piety,  and  for  entertaining  the  love  of  God; 
I  am  wonderfully  at  a  loss  to  know  how  he  came  by  more 
extensive  knowledge  of  mankind  than  Jesus  Christ,  who 
expressly  taught,  that  whatsoever  defileth  the  man,  pro- 
ceeds out  of  the  heart.     Your  influences,  Fastosus,  are 


268  DIALOGUES 

of  excellent  use  in  keeping  them  ^vhere  they  are;  yoi? 
take  care  to  persuade  each  of  them  separately,  that  of 
all  others  his  own  knowled;;e  is  the  most  reiined;  and 
hence  it  is  that  Goodwin,  Owen,  Charnock,  and  all  such 
authors,  are  considered  as  weak,  though  well-meaning, 
divines. 

It  is  very  diverting  to  hear  my  parsons  boasting  of  their 
superior  knowledge,  even  when,  by  their  ministrations,  it 
is  plain  that  they  are  acquainted  with  almost  any  writings 
better  than  those  of  inspiration;  when  their  auditories 
dwindle  away  to  nothing,  and  the  few  people  who  abide 
by  them  are  destitute  of  all  religion.  Did  they  but  know 
half  as  much  as  the  most  illiterate  devil  of  our  fraternity, 
they  would  at  least  believe  that  there  may  be  a  possibility 
of  their  mistaking  the  way,  and  that,  after  all  their  pre- 
tensions to  a  superior  knowledge,  thpy  may  run  some  risk 
of  a  final  miscarriage.  But,  as  our  good  friends  the  Ro- 
man doctors  are  wont  to  say,  *' Ignorance  is  the  m.other 
of  devotion;-'  so  say  I  of  my  parsons,  *' Ignorance  is  the 
spring  of  all  their  knowledge;"  and  whilst  my  father  In- 
fidelis  can  keep  them  ignorant,  my  uncle  Fastosus  can 
easily  puff  them  up  with  a  sense  of  the  clearness  of  their 
heads,  and  goodness  of  their  hearts;  so  that  I  can  do  very 
well  with  them,  and  retain  them  amongst  our  worship- 
pers. 

The  next  company  in  our  corporation  is  that  of  the 
straining  landlords,  a  very  noble  and  repr.table  company 
indeed,  notwithstanding  they  are  far  from  being  opulent. 
In  the  days  of  yore,  when  luxury  was  but  little  in  vogue, 
the  freeholders  were  attended  with  fewer  wants,  and,  of 
course,  this  company  was  less  flourishing;  but  since  these 
happy  days  commenced,  in  which  people  of  quality  are 
trained  up  in  absolute  idleness  and  dissipation,  in  which 
virtue  is  of  no  account,  and  luxury,  pride,  and  dissolute- 
ness are  arrived  at  their  zenith,  the  people  of  quality  are 
amazingly  poor,  and  are  attended  with  an  indescribable 
train  of  necessities.  AYlmt  is  very  remarkable,  their  pride 
has  grown  in  a  perfect  proportion  to  their  poverty,  so  that 
now^  it  is  an  established  law  amongst  them  to  look  upon 
themselves  as  of  a  difi'erent  blood  from  the  rest  of  man- 
kind. Indeed  you  cannot  affront  a  person  of  quality 
v/orse  than  by  likening  him  to  one  of  those  who  are  called 
vulgar  creatures;  notwithstanding,  by  the  way.  it  is  those 


OF  DEVILS.  269 

Kime  vulgar  creatures  which  enable  persons  of  rank  and 
fashion  to  support  the  dignity  of  their  station;  and  were 
there  no  vulgar  creatures,  there  would  also  be  no  ladies 
of  quality. 

This  distinction,  which  the  quality  pay  to  themselves, 
is  of  the  utmost  use  in  my  administration,  as  will  appear 
from  the  following  story: 

1  went  one  day  to  the  house  of  sir  Fop  Mortalis,  a 
very  famous  gentleman  in  the  country,  with  a  design  to 
pay  my  devoirs  to  madam  Mortalis,  his  lady;  a  gentle- 
woman who  abhors  to  have  the  least  comparison  made 
betwixt  her  and  any  person  \\hatever  of  inferior  rank. 
The  chambermaid  informed  her  mistress,  that  good  Mr. 
Prudence  waited  below,  desiring  to  speak  with  her 
ladyship,  if  convenient.  The  lady  soon  descended,  and, 
<:omprunents  passed  on  either  side,  she  conducted  me 
iuto  her  parlour,  where  she  and  1  had  the  following  dia- 
logue. 

Lady.  Good  Mr.  Prudence,  you  have  been  a  very  great 
stranger!  It  is  many  months  since  I  saw  you  at  our  house; 
but  I  am  glad  to  see  you  now,  and  I  wish  in  my  heart  Sir 
Fop  Mortalis  had  been  at  home. 

Prudence.  Urgent  business,  madam,  demands  my  at- 
tendance so  much  else-where,  that  I  cannot  so  frequently 
as  I  could  wish  pay  my  respects  to  Sir  Fop  and  my  lady 
Mortalis.  But  now,  madam,  I  am  come,  if  possible,  to 
rectify  a  growing  mistake  amongst  mankind;  and  must 
tell  your  ladyship,  that  I  am  heartily  sorry  to  see  the 
world  arrived  at  such  a  pitch  of  ambition  as  it  is  now. 
Indeed,  my  lady,  it  is  become  a  very  difficult  matter,  in  a 
concourse  of  people,  to  distinguish  between  the  farmers' 
and  tradesmen's  wives,  and  ladies  of  birth  and  fortune; 
nor  can  we  more  easily  distinguish  between  their  several 
children.  Why,  madam,  the  farmers'  and  tradesmen's 
children  are  all  masters  and  misses,  young  gentlemen 
and  ladies,  now-a-days.  I  know  not,  for  my  part,  what 
the  world  will  come  to,  if  some  measures  are  not  speed- 
ily taken  to  prevent  the  confounding  of  baseness  with 
dignity. 

>Vhen  1  was  last  at  church,  I  was  surprised  to  see,  as  I 
thought,  Miss  Mortalis,  your  daughter,  there;  well  kno,Wn 
ing  that  neither  Sir  Fop  himself,  nor  any  of  his  fac^iW^go. 
23 t  *  ^     ' 


270  DIALOGUES 

often  to  any  place  of  public  worship.  Because  you  knov/, 
my  lady,  few  of  you  great  folks  love  the  tedious  duties  of 
religion. 

Lady.  Not  we,  indeed.  Give  us  the  cards,  or  musical 
entertainments,  for  our  money.  We  hate  their  whining, 
doleful  cant.  Let  them  choose  religion,  who  have  taste 
for  nothing  more  polite.  We  will  have  none  of  it,  I  as- 
sure you,  Mr.  Prudence. 

Prudence.  I  know  it,  my  lady,  I  know  it,  and  am 
mightily  pleased  with  your  determination.  But,  as  I  was 
telling  your  ladyship,  being  at  church,  as  soon  as  service 
was  over,  I  said  to  a  man,  who  sat  in  the  pew  with  me, 
'^  I  am  surprised  to  see  Miss  Mortalis  at  church  to-day. 
Do  you  think,  sir,  that  any  body  has  been  daring  enough 
to  tell  her  that  she  really  is  a  mortal?"  To  which  the 
plain  countryman,  in  his  own  clownish  way,  replied, 
^'•Miss  Mortalis  at  church!  quoth-a:  No,  no,  sir,  you  are 
quite  mistaken;  for  Sir  Fop's  family  are  people  of  quality, 
and  therefore  meddle  none  with  religion.  What  should 
they  do  at  church,  seeing  they  fear  no  hell,  regard  not 
God,  and  believe  not  in  the  devil.  As  for  heaven.  Sir 
Fop  is  willing  to  leave  that  to  the  poor,  and  desires  no 
greater  happiness  for  himself  and  his  than  is  implied  in 
an  earldom." 

Lady.  That  is,  indeed,  what  Sir  Fop  has  long  been  so- 
liciting, and  it  is  believed  is  now  very  near  obtaining. 

Prudence.  But  I  said  to  the  fellow,  pray  who  is  that 
young  lady,  whom  I  took  for  Miss  Mortalis.^  Poh,  lady! 
quoth-a,  Why,  'tis  John  Tillground's  daughter,  of  the  Five 
Elms.  Tillground's  daughter!  said  I;  you  surprise  me. 
She  is  as  finely  drest  as  I  have  seen  Miss  Mortalis,  when 
going  to  a  ball.  And  pray,  continued  I,  who  is  yonder 
lady  with  the  French  head-dress  and  furred  cardinal.^  I 
thought  you  had  no  people  of  quality  in  this  parish  be- 
sides Sir  Fop's  family.  No,  sir,  returned  he,  we  have 
none,  who  are  such  by  birth;  but  we  have  many  who  are 
quality  by  their  dress.  The  lady,  sir,  that  you  enquire 
after  is  Mrs.  Watson,  the  landlady  of  the  Three  Tuns. 

Well,  madam,  I  followed  them  out  of  church,  and  was 
amazed  to  see  the  plaitings  of  hair,  the  tires  of  ruffles,  and 
the  labyrinthian  furbeloes,  with  which  the  women  were 
decorated.     Indeed,  my  lady,  if  the  world  holds  on  but 


,    OF  DEVILS.  2ri 

a  few  years,  in  its  present  career,  we  shall  not  be  able  to 
distinguish  betwixt  the  highest  and  the  lowest  ranks  of 
people. 

Lady.  To  be  sure,  sir,  the  world  is  now  at  a  sad  pitch 
of  pride  and  ambition^  for  people  of  fashion  can  do  nothing 
as  to  dress,  gesture,  manner  of  speech,  or  living,  but  we 
are  mimicked  by  those  vulgar  creatures. 

Prudence.  It  must  undoubtedly  be  considered  as  an 
insufferable  insult  upon  people  of  breeding,  ^vhen  they 
are  thus  taken  off  by  the  vulgar.  But,  madam,  I  have  a 
scheme  to  propose,  which,  if  adopted,  will  effectually  cor- 
rect their  insolence,  and  soon  oblige  John  Tillground  and 
Timothy  Turf's  daughters  to  lay  aside  their  furbeloes.. 
rufiies,  and  tea-table,  and  betake  themselves  to  their  spin- 
ning-wheels. 

Lady.  AVhat  is  it.^  I  pray  you,  good  Mr.  Prudence,  be 
so  obliging;  I  beg  you  would,  sir. 

Prudence.  Indeed,  madam,  your  farmers  are  all  be- 
come gentlemen  of  late.  They  talk  of  fortunes  for  their 
children,  and  consider  themselves  as  very  little  inferior 
to  the  'squire  himself.  But  let  me  tell  you,  madam,  the 
fault  is  not  so  much  in  the  farmers  as  in  the  landlords 
themselves,  who  let  their  farms  upon  terms  by  far  too 
low^  and  easy.  There  is  this  same  John  Tillground,  and 
his  neighbour  Timothy  Turf,  as  I  am  informed,  have 
both  of  them  money  lying  at  interest,  when  my  worthy 
and  right  honourable  lord  Noble,  a  gentleman  of  the 
first  quality,  is  obliged  to  pawn  his  plate  for  cash,  to  pay 
oft*  the  four  thousand  pounds  he  lost  the  other  night  at 
cards;  and  v/hiUt  his  gentie  neighbour,  'squire  Fitzfolly, 
is  obliged  to  fall  his  timber  to  slop  the  horrid  gap  which 
his  malevolent  stars  opened  at  Newmarket  races,  where 
the  gamblers  of  rank  and  quality  occasionally  try  their 
fortune. 

It  is  insufferable,  madam,  that  the  farmer's  circum- 
stances should  be  easy,  whilst  people  of  fashion  know 
not  how  to  keep  oft'  the  duns  from  their  doors.  AVhat 
right  has  any  body  to  any  thing  besides  slavery,  except 
people  of  ([ualityr  Were  not  those  vulgar  creatures 
originally  designed  as  your  slaves,  madam:  And  yet,  for 
any  thing  I  see,  they  will  soon  be  on  a  level  with  you, 
unless  some  method,  lucky  enough  to  prevent  i,t,  is  speed- 
ily devi.sed. 


«72  DIALOGUES 

L\t)T.  Ah,  sir,  I  fear  it  indeed.  If  you  do  know  of 
any  suitable  means  to  prevent  it,  I  beg,  good  Mr.  Pru- 
dence, you  will  inform  me. 

Prudence.  There  is  only  one  way,  that  I  know  of, 
madam;  and  that  to  raise  their  rents  to  the  uttermost^ 
As  every  lease  expires,  it  will  be  an  easy  matter  for  Sir 
Fop.  in  the  renewal  of  it,  to  advance  the  rent  as  high  as 
he  pleases. — The  slaves  dare  not  go  away;  and  if  they 
should,  there  will  be  others  foolish  enough  "to  agree  to  any 
terms,  rather  than  miss  a  farm.  This  done,  and  all  your 
tenants  settled  upon  the  racked  farms,  if  any  of  thera 
happens  to  rear  a  handsome  colt,  let  Sir  Fop  himself,  or 
young  master,  fall  in  love  with  it,  demand  it  of  its  owner 
for  so  much,  never  exceeding  half  its  value;  he  may  pri- 
vately grumble,  but  dare  not  refuse,  for  fear  of  offendin.^ 
his  honour.  Ey  these  means,  and  others,  which  occasion- 
will  suggest,  you  may  make  them  all  humble  enough. 

Lady.  Most  excellently  spoken,  good  Mr.  Prudence. 
Then  Tillground's  wife  will  be  obliged  to  sell  her  china 
ware,  to  procure  rags  for  her  brats;  the  daughter  must 
take  to  her  wheel  and  wash-tub,  and  my  son,  master  Tho- 
mas, will  ride  a  better  horse  than  he  now  does.  This 
scheme  will  certainly  conquer  the  ambition  of  the  farmers; 
but  will  it  do  for  the  tradesmen,  good  Mr.  Prudence;  they 
will  still  continue  an  eyesore.^ 

Prudence.  Indeed,  madam,  the  same  scheme  will  pro- 
duce very  humbling  effects  upon  tradesmen  of  every  kind, 
though  I  dare  not  assert  th.at  you  will  ever  be  able  per- 
fectly to  subject  to  your  ambition  and  avarice  that  honour- 
able body  of  merchants,  whom  you  affectedly  call  cits. 
No,  madam,  I  am  afraid  that  nobility  itself  must  give 
place  to  the  public  spirit  of  the  merchant;  but  even  them 
you  may  greatly  injure,  and  prevent  their  being  of  sucl\ 
essential  service  to  their  country  as  otherwise  they  might 
be.  But  as  to  inland  trade,  by  racking  your  tenants  in  the 
manner  prescribed,  you  may  absolutely  destroy  it.  That 
you  may  see  the  utility  of  my  scheme,  I  shall  a  little  ex- 
plain it  to  your  ladyship. 

if  the  farmers  are  racked  to  the  utmost,  they  will  be 
obliged  to  sell  the  produce  of  their  lands  at  an  exorbitant 
price,  otherwise  it  will  be  altogether  out  of  their  power 
to  pay  the  stipulated  rent.  And  besides  selling  their 
crops,  &.C.  for  an  advanced  price,  they  will  be  obliged  t^ 


OF  DEVILS.  273 

abridge  the  wages  of  all  their  labourers,  smiths,  carpen- 
ters, &c. 

Bj  these  means  the  farm.er  Avill  find  it  difficult  to  live, 
and  of  course  will  rarely  visit  the  mercer's  and  draper's 
shopsj  and  as  for  his  labourers  and  workmen,  they  will 
find  but  little  money  to  lay  out  in  clothes,  especially  if 
their  children  be  numerous,  as  the  demands  of  the  back 
must  always  give  place  to  the  louder  calls  of  the  belly. 
And,  as  you  know,  my  lady,  sterility  very  rarelj  dwells 
in  the  labourer's  cottage,  it  is  unknown  what  misery  you 
may  happily  introduce  amongst  them  by  the  scheme  pro- 
posed. The  draper's  goods  will  lie  upon  his  hands,  unless 
indeed  he  is  pleased  to  give  credit  to  the  poor:  if  the  for- 
mer, lie  will  be  sparing  of  his  orders;  and  if  the  latter,  we 
shall  soon  have  him  a  bankrupt,  so  that  he  will  be  efiectu- 
ally  ruined. 

You  see,  madam,  that  here  we  affect  the  manufacturer 
equally  with  the  farmer  and  shopkeeper:  For  when  the 
retail  trade  is  ruined  by  the  dearness  cf  the  provisions, 
the  manufacturer  will  find  little  call  for  his  goods;  the 
issue  cf  which  will  be,  the  disbanding  of  many  of  his 
journeymen,  and  abridging;  the  wages  of  the  rest.  The 
disbanded  journeymen,  being  incapable  of  finding  em- 
ploymejit,  and  not  having  learned  the  art  of  living  like 
the  cameleon,  en  the  air,  will  be  drove  to  thieving,  by 
which  means  America  will  be  peopled,  and  Tyburn 
Chronicle  rendered  respectable. 

As  to  the  manufacturer  himself,  his  capital  being  soon 
converted  into  manufactured  goods,  he  wall  be  obliged  to 
!?ell  them  under  their  value,  that  he  may  keep  up  his  cre- 
dit with  the  merchant,  and  be  able  to  carry  on  a  little 
trade,  vainly  hoping  that  times  may  alter  for  the  better. 

Lady.  Indeed,  sir,  your  scheme  is  very  feasible:  and 
yet  there  is  one  thing  that  will  put  the  manufacturer  abso- 
lutely out  of  our  pov/er.  I  mean,  sir,  the  exportation  of 
their  manuliicture.  I  do  not  knov/  hov/  it  is,  but  these 
cits  of  merchants  can  send  goods  any  where,  and  they, 
sir,  will  support  the  manufacturer. 

Prudence.  No,  madam,  I  assure  you,  my  scheme,  if 
cordially  adopted,  and  executed  with  vigour,  will  put  it 
absolutely  out  of  the  merchant's  power.  There  is  nothing 
can  recommend  the  English  manufacture  at  a  foreign  mar- 
ket, but  the  price  being  inferior  to  that  of  other  nations. 


274  DIALOGUES 

Now,  if  an  Englishman  must  pay  twice  as  dear  for  hit 
provision  in  his  own  country  as  a  Frenchman  does  in  his, 
it  is  easy  to  see  that  either  journeymen's  wages  must,  in 
England,  be  double  to  what  they  are  in  France,  or  the 
journeymen  must  starve;  which  few  Englishmen  are  fond 
of  doing.  The  consequence  of  this  is,  the  French  manu- 
facturer can  send  his  goods  to  a  foreign  market  upon  better 
terms  than  an  Englishman,  and,  of  course,  destroy  all  the 
foreign  trade  of  the  English  nation.  Thus,  madam,  I  have 
pointed  out  a  method  by  which  you  people  of  fashion,  ia 
order  to  support  your  own  grandeur,  may  suck  the  blood 
of  all  inferior  ranks  of  people,  and  make  the  British  sub- 
jects absolutely  slaves,  even  in  a  country  which  boasts  its 
freedom.  Nay,  more,  this  is  a  method  by  which  you  may 
ruin  the  most  flourishing  nation  in  the  world. 

Lady.  Spoke  like  an  angel,  good  Mr.  Prudence.  I 
protest,  upon  honour,  I  will  not  sleep  until  I  have  con- 
sulted Sir  Fop  on  the  matter. 

AvARo.  I  took  my  leave  of  her  ladyship,  who  could  not 
rest  until  she  had  communicated  the  matter  to  her  ac- 
quaintance, and  they  to  their  acquaintances,  and  so  thej 
again  to  theirs,  that  it  had  very  soon  made  the  tour  of 
Great  Britain  and  Ireland:  an  ordinance  was  instituted, 
in  the  company  of  avaricious  landlords,  that  in  every  fu- 
ture lease  the  farmers  should  be  racked  to  the  last  ex- 
tremity. This  ordinance  has  been  universally  complied 
with  by  the  whole  company;  so  that  there  is  reason  to 
hope,  in  time,  all  the  blessed  consequences  proposed  will 
arise  from  it,  as  you  see  to  what  an  exorbitant  price  all 
manner  of  provisions  is  already  arrived.  What  may  not 
be  expected  from  such  hopeful  beginnings? 

Fastosus.  a  noble  company,  indeed,  and  near  a  kin  to 
our  destroying  clan.  And  yet  many  of  them  set  up  fop 
patriots,  even  when  they  are  drawing  ruin  upon  the  na- 
tion by  their  pride,  luxury,  and  avarice. 


OF  DEVILS.  273 


DIALOGUE   XVIIL 


ALL  THE  DIALOGEANS  PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro;  know  assuredly  that  you  ard 
not  more  in  esteem  with  the  Dutch  than  myself.  It  were 
strange,  indeed,  if  I  had  no  concern  with  Mynheer. 

Avaro.  Indeed,  sir,  to  see  Mynheer  equipped  in  his 
holiday  clothes,  he  makes  pretty  near  as  awkward  an  ap- 
pearance as  a  Laplander^  and  one  would  certainly  con- 
clude that  he  is  a  perfect  stranger  to  courtly  Fastosus. 
But  all  the  world  knows  that  Avaro  is  a  very  respectable 
personage  in  Holland. 

Fastosus.  I  told  you  before,  cousin,  that  yoa  have  an 
ugly  way  of  encroaching  upon  your  neighbour's  right.  I 
do  not  like  it,  cousin,  and  will  assert  my  dominion.  Do 
jou  think  that  Mynheer  is  not  full  as  proud  of  his  multi- 
plicity of  garments  as  an  English  hero  is  of  his  scarlet 
and  lace?  Or  that  he  is  not  the  best  fellow  who  can  wear 
the  greatest  number  of  pairs  of  breeches?  I  assert,  there 
may  be  as  much  pride  under  a  Dutchman's  cap,  as  under 
a  Scotch  bonnet,  or  even  under  a  Frenchman's  hatj  not- 
withstanding there  is  a  very  great  difference  betv/een  the 
first  and  the  last.  The  first,  you  know,  is  a  fixed  ponder- 
ous substance,  and  the  last  is  mutable  as  the  weathercock 
on  the  top  of  St.  Peter's.  Yes,  Avaro,  1  may  assert  far- 
ther, that  there  may  be  as  much  pride  under  a  red  cap  as 
under  the  coronet  of  a  peer,  or  even  under  the  mitre  of 
an  archbishop. 

Infidelis.  That  Avaro  is  in  high  esteem  in  the  Neth- 
erlands will  not  be  denied;  but  to  suppose  Fastosus  ex- 
cluded from  any  people  whatever  is  higlily  dishonouring: 
therefore,  my  son,  you  must  learn  to  be  more  cautious| 
and  for  the  present,  to  make  atonement  for  your  error, 
proceed  with  your  account  of  your  corporation. 

Avaro.  If  to  retract  an  error,  and  endeavour  in  future 
to  oblige,  will  procure  forgiveness,  it  shall  be  done.  In 
order  lo  which  you  will  please  to  observe,  that  the 

Fourth  Company  of  my  corporation  is  that  of  the  letter 


276  DIALOGUES 

retailers,  otherwise  called  mercenary  scribblers,  and 
false  publishers.  The  transcribers  and  abridgers  of  other 
men's  works,  and  especially  those  whose  sole  aim  is  to 
get  money  by  their  writings,  are  free  of  this  company  and 
on  the  livery. 

To  give  you  a  proper  idea  of  which,  I  shall  read  you  a 
letter,  which  I  stole  the  other  night,  from  the  chairman  of 
a  reading  society  in  the  country,  designed  to  be  sent  to  the 
Reviewers,  critical  and  monthly. 

Gentlemen, 

"VVe  are  what  country  people  call  a  reading  society,  into 
which  v/e  had  formed  ourselves  some  years  before  the 
iirst  Review  made  its  public  appearance.  We  had  not 
long  taken  in  books,  before  we  found  several  articles  of 
our  purchase  to  be  stolen  from  other  authors;  and  but  very 
few  of  our  titular  authors  had  either  honor  or  honesty 
enough,  to  inform  the  public  from  what  sources  they  com- 
piled their  volumes.  "We  would  advise  all  writers  to  live 
upon  their  own  proper  genius,  deeming  it  pity  that  pil- 
ferers should  be  suftel*ed  in  the  republic  of  letters.  At 
the  last  meeting  of  our  club,  this  question  was  put  and 
canvassed,  "  What  can  induce  one  writer  to  steal  from  an- 
other?" 

To  this  important  question,  one  replied  one  thing,  and 
another  said  what  he  could  to  confute  it,  as  every  member 
was  willing  to  display  his  abilities;  at  last,  Dick  Keene,  a 
testy  kind  of  youth,  but  of  good  sense,  gave  us  the  follow- 
ing satisfactory  answer: 

*•  Very  probably,  said  master  Dick,  some  authors  may 
steal  from  others,  for  the  same  reason  v/hich  that  ce- 
lebrated fool  of  old  had  who  burnt  himself  and  the 
temple  together,  in  order  to  perpetuate  his  name. — 
There  are  authors  endued  with  the  same  laudable  am- 
bition, who,  not  being  happy  enough  to  be  born  free 
in  the  literary  republic,  are  obliged  to  stoop  to  disho- 
nest measures,  in  order  to  gratify  their  ambition.  Their 
geniuses  {if  it  be  lawful  to  speak  of  their  geniuses) 
being  destitute  of  every  prolific  principle,  and  their 
fancies  fixed  as  the  Pyrenean  or  the  Alps,  they  can- 
not possibly  gain  repute  but  on  the  credit  of  their  pre- 
decessors.   Therefore,  what  frugal  nature,  and  Gama- 


OF  DEVILS.  277 

iiel  have  withheld,  must  be  supplied  by  industrious 
freedom;  and  as  the  end  proposed  must,  at  all  events, 
be  obtained,  honour,  truth  and  honesty,  smoke  at  once 
on  the  altar  of  ambition.  To  work  goes  the  writer, 
plunders  every  volume  in  his  own  and  his  patron's  li- 
brary, and  at  last  completes  his  scheme;  and  lo!  we  have 
an  entire  new  work,  by  the  learned  Mr.  Dunce.  And 
so  it  comes  to  pass,  that  we,  the  honest  purchasers,  pay 
three  or  four  times  over  for  the  same  matter;  and  perhaps, 
in  almost  the  same  manner  likewise. 

'•There  are  others,  who,  as  a  just  judgment  on  their  for- 
mer indolence  and  extravagance,  are  now  condemned  to 
live  upon  their  wit;  which  being  dull  and  tardy,  some- 
what akin  to  the  brain  of  an  ass,  of  itself  can  afford  but  a 
very  penurious  table,  and  uncomfortable  lodging.  Bitten 
with  hunger,  the  unhappy  man  is  obliged  to  steal  where 
he  can,  and  then  sell  his  ill-gotten  collection  to  the  book- 
seller, in  order  to  procure  a  good  holiday  dinner.  The 
bookseller,  I  believe,  is  pretty  well  convinced  of  the  truth 
of  my  remarks,  as  he  has  paid  for  his  connexion  with  lite- 
rary thieves. 

*' Of  these  two  kinds  of  pilferers,  in  my  humble  opin- 
ion, the  latter  is  by  far  the  most  excusable.  He  cannot 
work,  he  is  ashamed  to  beg,  therefore  must  either  steal  or 
starve.  What  can  he  steal  with  more  safety  than  the 
works  of  the  learned?  in  my  opinion,  there  is  no  more  dan- 
ger in  robbing  a  gentleman  of  his  literary  honour,  than  for 
a  statesman  to  rob  his  mother  country:  Few  such  thieves 
are  conducted,  by  the  county  officers,  to  Tyburn.  O  so- 
lemn tree,  what  frauds  are  committed  against  thee.^  Of 
how  many  necks,  equitably  thine,  art  thou  cheated  annu- 
ally?" 

It  was  now  Bill  Candour,  a  good  natured  youth,  inter- 
rupted him,  thinking  his  reflections  somewhat  severe. 
"  Hold!  Mr.  Keene,  I  think  your  reasoning  is  too  full  of 
acrimony.  If  all  transcripts,  extracts,  and  abridgments, 
were  to  be  suppressed,  it  would  be  a  very  great  loss  to 
the  public.  Those  men,  therefore,  who  take  the  trouble 
of  such  a  service,  deserve  open  acknowledgment,  for  rais- 
ing up  valuable  authors  from  the  vaults  of  oblivion,  in- 
stead of  being  lashed  with  the  rod  of  merciless  satire." 
To  which  Dick  replied: 

*"  That  many  ancient  writings,  are  truly  worthy  of  be- 
24 


278  DIALOGUES 

ing  introduced  to  public  view,  I  ara  so  far  from  denying, 
that  I  should  deem  it  truly  laudable,  for  any  gentleman  of 
capacity  and  leisure,  to  draw  forth  the  remains  of  anti- 
quity from  the  cells  of  obscurity,  and  should  be  one  of  the 
first  to  vote  him  the  most  public  thanks.  But  1  would 
have  it  done  in  such  a  manner,  as  to  come  within  the 
reach  of  the  middle  class  of  people,  amongst  whom  the 
bulk  of  all  sorts  of  readers  are  found.  Moreover,  I  would 
have  all  writings  on  religious  s^dbjects  so  contrived,  as  to 
come  within  the  reach  of  the  poor,  for  who  else  give 
themselves  any  trouble  about  religion,  or  have  any  plea- 
sure in  serious  writings?  If  a  commentary  on  the  Bible 
must  go  beyond  the  extent  of  their  finances,  it  might  as 
well  be  locked  up  in  Pool's  Synopsis,  where  it  was  be- 
fore the  commentary  was  written.  Opulent  tradesmen^, 
you  know,  are  such  slaves  to  the  laws  of  gettinfj,  that 
they  have  no  time  to  read,  and  therefore  may  prudently 
avoid  purchasing.  And  people  of  fashion  are  generally 
perfectly  satisfied  with  haviijg  such  or  such  books  in  their 
libraries,  without  so  much  as  looking  farther  into  them 
than  the  title  pages.  Surely,  gentlemen,  no  man  is  to 
be  vindicated  in  making  merchandise  of  his  neighbour'i 
genius.*' 

Here  he  concluded,  and  we  were  soon  convinced,  that 
there  was  much  weight  in  his  reasoning.  We  must  beg 
leave  to  tell  you,  gentlemen,  that  when  your  worships 
erected  your  tribunal,  and  every  author  was  summoned  to 
appear -before  you,  we  flattered  a  hope,  that  all  pilferers 
would  have  fled  out  of  the  republic  of  letters.  But  alas! 
we  have  been  hitherto  disappointed,  and  in  reality,  they 
seem  to  be  on  the  increase,  so  that  a  man  can  hardly  claim 
personal  right  to  a  single  idea,  how  justly  soever  it  may 
behi>  property. 

We  earnestly  bog  that  you,  gentlemen,  will  be  obliging 
enough  to  publish  your  aversion  to  tliis  craf^;  to  command 
all  who  are  destitute  both  of  fortune  and  genius  to  recon- 
cile themselves  to  their  destiny,  and  show  their  submis- 
sion to  the  higher  powers,  by  learning  some  handicraft  bu- 
siness, by  which  they  may  gain  an  honest  living.  There 
are  a  thousand  ways  to  live  in  this  woild.if  that  of  an  att- 
thor  were  to  cease.  For  instance,  there  is  carrying  a 
masket,  or  beating  a  drum  by  land,  and  furling  the  saili 


OF  DEVILS.  279 

by  sea,  either  of  which  are  honourable  employments,  when 
compared  with  that  of  book-stealing. 

As  we  know  not  to  whom  we  can  apply,  with  any  de- 
gree of  success,  but  to  yourselves,  we  must  farther  beg, 
that  you  will  not  only  detect  the  theft  when  you  meet 
with  it,  but  do  as  the  worthy  inhabitants  of  St.  Giles'  do 
on  similar  occasions.  That  is,  pursue  the  delinquent 
with  a  Stop  thief!  Stop  thief!  Indeed,  gentlemen,  it  will 
not  lessen  you  in  the  public  esteem,  should  you  com- 
mence even  literary  thief  catchers.  Should  it  please  you 
to  comply  with  our  request,  we  doubt  not  but  the  streets 
which  lead  to  places  of  public  resort,  will  in  a  few  years 
be  v.-ell  lined  with  many  authors,  having  assumed  the  mora 
honourable  employment  of  a  beggar. 

Thus  the  imposts  would  be  taken  off  from  the  studious; 
real  authors  would  preserve  their  honour,  no  one  daring 
to  invade  their  ri-jhts,  for  fear  of  ex^)osing  themselves  to 
public  infamy.  Perhaps  that  most  villanous  of  all  prac- 
tices may  be  put  a  stop  to;  we  mean  the  vending  of  cloudy 
commentaries  on  the  Bible.  Few  people,  we  should 
think,  w^ould  be  fond  of  purchasing  such  books,  after  they 
are  informed  that  most  of  the  materials  are  stolen.  Ef- 
fectually to  put  a  stop  to  this  iniquitous  practice,  we 
would  recommend  the  publication  of  the  above  named  Sy- 
nopsis in  English,  and  then  every  reader  may  take  what 
human  sense  of  the  divine  word  he  pleases.  We  are,  gen- 
tlemen, your  mo»t  humble  servants, 

A  READING  SOCIETY. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  think  the  request  of  that 
society  reasonable  enough,  and  ought  to  be  granted:  for, 
as  the  world  now  goes,  it  is  a  difficult  matter  for  a 
man  to  know  to  whom  he  is  obliged,  for  any  profita- 
ble hint  he  meets  with  in  the  course  of  his  reading. 
And  flimsy  as  modern  productions  in  general  are,  there 
is  now  and  then  a  profitable  hint  to  be  met  with.  But 
when  any  thing  of  a  recommendatory  quality,  happens  to 
emerge  from  the  teeming  press,  the  whole  race  of  catch- 
penny imitators  swarm  about  it,  and  gobble  it  up,  then 
tpew  it  out,  as  if  it  were  their  own.  However,  cousin, 
it  must  be  owned,  that  there  are  some  of  your  mercenary 
scribblers,  who  are  much  more  honourable  than  others; 
and  let  the  public  know,  that  what  they  write  is  not  tb« 


280  DIALOGUES 

fruit  of  their'  own  genius,  but  is  borrowed  from  this 
or  that  respectable  author,  under  pretence  of  making  it 
more  public,  on  account  of  its  great  excellency.  They 
•desire  not  to  rob  the  author  of  his  honour:  All  thejdeem 
necessary,  is  a  loan  of  his  genius  to  supply  the  defects 
of  their  own,  and  to  help  them  a  little  forward  in  the 
world. 

But  of  all  writers,  commend  me  to  polemic  divines.  0! 
it  would  be  a  pleasure  to  the  devil  himself,  to  see  with 
what  dexterity  they  put  off  their  own  anger,  under  the 
name  of  zeal  for  God,*  just  as  the  industrious  tradesmen 
of  Birmingham  do  their  manufacture  for  the  coin  of  the 
nation.  It  is  amazing  to  think,  how  protestant  ministers 
can  lug  the  Almighty  into  both  sides  of  their  quarrel:  and 
how  they  would  make  the  world  believe  that  their  cause 
is  the  cause  of  heaven,  and  that  they  have  got  authority 
to  dispense  the  curses  of  the  Most  High.  Nothing  can 
be  more  pleasing,  than  to  see  men  of  wisdom  and  religion, 
vigorously  contending  for  their  own  honour,  and  at  the ' 
same  time,  making  the  public  believe  they  have  nothing 
in  view  but  the  Redeemer's  glory.  And  I  assure  you,  it 
is  not  every  divine  even  of  great  parts,  who  takes  time 
to  distinguish  between  the  glory  of  God  and  his  own  repu- 
tation. 

Next  to  this,  I  am  delighted  to  see  men  of  learning  and 
religion,  bickering  each  other  about  subjects,  which  the 
greatest  of  all  the  apostles  would  not  presume  to  pry  into. 
But  we  have  divines  so  expert,  that  they  understand  what 
never  was  revealed;  and  so  zealous  that  they  will  oblige 
others  to  have  the  same  degree  of  intelligence  with  them- 
selves, under  pain  of  their  implacable  displeasure;  and 
yet  they  are  the  true  ministers  of  the  meek  and  lov- 
ing Saviour.  But  a  very  few  are  to  be  met  with,  who 
have  humility  enough  to  submit  to  the  simplicity  of  scrip- 
ture. However,  cousin,  although  I  love  to  set  forth 
my  own  powerful  influence,  I  would  not  willingly  pre- 
vent your  proceeding  with  your  story.  Mean  while,  I 
w^ant  you  to  be  more  explicit,  with  regard  to  your  com- 
pany of  letter  venders.  Do  you  mean  by  them  printers 
in  general? 

AvARo.  No,  gentlemen,  I  do  not  mean,  neither  all  the 
booksellers  nor  printers.  Printing  has  been  to  mankind 
one  of  the  greatest  of  all  temporal  blessings;  and  will, 


OF  DEVILS.  281 

I  much  fear,  be  the  total  ruin  of  the  kingdom  of  dark- 
ness; as  wherever  the  freedom  of  the  press  is  suffered, 
it  carries  reformation  along  with  it.  But,  amongst 
those  concerned  in  literary  aiTiirs,  there. are  many  ril- 
janous  people  who,  when  their  trade  runs  low,  take 
up  with  printing  corrupting  novels,  such  as  the  Me- 
moirs of  a  Woman  of  Pleasure:  blasphemous  plays, 
such  as  Sammy  Foote's  Minor;  schismatic  harangues, 
like  the  greater  part  of  political  essays:  vain  disputes 
about  thino;s  of  trivial  import,  &c.  all  such,  and  many 
such  there  be,  we  rank  with  the  false  publishers,  because 
truth  and  falsehood  are,  with  tliem,  of  equal  value,  and 
their  choice  is  fixed  by  what  will  serve  a  present  turn. 
The  patriotic  alderman  is  a  leading  man  in  this  learn- 
ed company.  He  has  not  learned  so  little  by  the  gift  of 
second  sigiil,  which  he  has  had  from  his  cradle,  as  not  to 
know,  that  more  than  truth  is  indispensably  necessary, 
tn  support  some  particular  personal  characters.  Besides, 
there  a'-e  others,  who  will  sell  both  soul  and  body  to 
the  father  of  lies,  in  defence  of  some  particular  state: 
and  others,  to  ruin  some  public  character.  The  cele- 
brated Mr.  Maubert,  of  Brussels,  is  a  great  man  in 
this  way. 

Free  of  this  company,  are  another  set  of  men,  im- 
placable enemies  to  honest  industry,  who  live  altoge- 
ther by  their  wit;  appear  in  all  shapes  and  characters, 
and  stick  at  nothing  to  get  money.  Although  these  peo- 
ple have  nothing  but  grimace  to  sell,  (tlirough  a  folly,  for- 
merly almost  peculiar  to  the  metropolis,  but  now  diffus- 
ing itself  every  where,)  they  have,  for  six  months  in  the 
year,  a  very  plentiful  market;  and  many,  who  would  suf- 
fer the  miserable  to  perish  unrelieved  at  their  gates,  will 
liberally  contribute  to  support  the  luxury  end  libertin- 
ism of  the  players.  In  the  days  of  yore,  the  devil  Prote- 
us was,  but  now  David  Garrick,  Esqr.  is  tht-ir  foreman; 
a  fast  friend  to  our  government,  and  a  faithful  disciple  of 
Mreful  Avaro. 

DiscoRDAxs.  I  think  you  must  be  mistaken  now,  cou- 
sin; for  the  end  of  all  theatrical  entertainments,  which  I 
perceive  you  have  in  view,  is  the  exposing  of  vice  and  re- 
formation of  manners:  Consequently,  their  desi|n  was  ori- 
ginally religious. 

AvAEo.  1  allow,  that  in  the  darkness  of  paganism, 
£4  * 


282  DIALOGUES 

the  ancients  had  a  religious  design,  in  exhibitions  of 
the  stage:  but  what  of  that?  They  had  likewise  a  re- 
ligious design,  in  passing  their  children  through  the 
fire  to  the  devil  Moloch.  I  allow,  farther,  that  in  the 
days  of  monkish  ignorance,  those  blinking  priests  made 
use  of  the  stage  to  convey  their  instructions;  but  then 
it  ought  to  be  observed,  that  the  same  fathers  were 
equally  pious  and  devout,  in  persecuting  the  best  of 
men.  So  then,  cousin,  the  one  is  as  much  authorised 
by  ancient  practice  as  the  other.  Indeed,  when  you 
consider  that  the  stage  is  peopled  by  extravagant,  spend- 
thrift gentlemen,  broken  tradesmen  and  lazy  mechan- 
ics, who  always  were  avowed  enemies  to  moral  integ- 
rity, they  will  appear  to  be  a  very  unpromising  race 
of  reformers. 

Should  you  follow  them  from  the  stage  to  their  lodg- 
ings, and  trace  their  steps  through  the  lanes  of  private 
life,  you  would  soon  be  convinced,  that  Sir  John  Fiel- 
ding's runners  bid  much  more  fair  than  they,  for  re- 
forming the  manners  of  the  people.  And  you  know,  the 
said  runners  have  never  as  yet  been  considered  as  the 
most  respectable  characters.  Surely,  it  must  be  thought 
requisite  in  those  who  set  up  for  reformers  of  others, 
that,  in  some  tolerable  degree,  they  should  moralize  them- 
selves. 

DiscoRDANs.  I  know  it,  cousin;  and  I  thwarted  you 
on  purpose,  to  see  how  you  could  justify  your  claim  up- 
on the  gentry  of  the  stage;  and  must  confess  you  have 
done  it  to  my  satisfaction.  I  am  highly  pleased  with  the 
entertainments  of  the  theatre  myself,  and  am  greatly  de- 
lighted to  see  gentlemen  and  ladies  crowd  to  them.  Gen- 
try, who  would  worship  God  in  neither  church  nor  meet- 
ing-house, can  be  devout  enough  to  attend  the  theatres,  in 
Covent  Garden,  and  the  Hay  Market.  It  is  truly  pleasing 
to  see  gentlemen  and  ladies,  who  cannot  possibly  find 
money  to  pay  otf  their  tradesmen's  bills,  find  plenty  of 
cash  to  purchase  playhouse  tickets. 

Infidelis.   As  we  came  along,  Cousin  Discordans,  yoci 
mentioned  some  sport  you  lately  had  with  two  female  ~ 
companions:  Pray,  what  of  them? 

DisooRDAKS.  You  must  know,  Leonora  and  Matilda 
have  been  intimate  from  their  infancy;  and,  as  such,  con- 
tinued their  friendship  even  to  mature  life;   But  whea 


OF  DEVILS.  28S 

both  became  wives  and  mothers,  I  taught  them  to  behaye 
more  inconsistently  than  thej  did  when  they  were  chil- 
dren. Matilda,  being  quite  fatigued  with  domestic  con- 
cerns, attention  to  which  her  mind  is  not  very  happily 
turned,  resolved  one  day  to  spend  an  afternoon  with  her 
friend  Leonora.  When  she  went,  she  fuund  her  exceed- 
ingly depressed  and  hysterical,  by  no  means  in  a  talkative 
humour;  a  circumstance  which  frequently  happens  to  the 
ladies  of  middle  rank,  ever  since  luxury  and  idleness  be- 
came so  prevalent  amongst  them. 

Matilda,  not  being  sufficiently  skilled  in  physiogno- 
my, to  read  the  sentiments  of  the  heart  by  the  posi- 
tion of  the  features  of  the  countenance,  was  led  into 
a  mistake,  which  proved  fatal  to  their  friendship.  She 
discovered,  or  thought  she  discovered,  an  unusual  and 
unexpected  shyness  run  through  every  part  of  Leonora's 
conduct;  which  discovery  proved  no  slight  mortificatioQ 
to  her  own  sensibility.  Said  she  to  herself,  "  Well,  Le- 
onora, I  perceive,  notwithstanding  all  your  formal  civil- 
ity, that  my  company  is  not  the  object  of  your  present 
desire.  I  wish  I  had  been  aware  of  it  in  time  1  Then^ 
I  assure  you,  my  presence  should  not  have  drawn  a 
cloud  over  that  settled  countenance  of  yours.  But,  in- 
deed, madam,  let  my  company  be  ever  so  disagreeable  to 
you,  yours,  I  assure  you,  is  now  very  little  more  pleasant 
to  me.*' 

Whilst  she  was  meditating  some  plausible  pretext 
for  withdrawing,  the  tea  was  unhappily  brought  in, 
which  precluded  her  removal  for  a  little  while  longer. 
Thus  constrained  by  decency  to  stay,  her  glowing  re- 
sentment of  the  supposed  slight,  forbid  her  to  taste 
a  morsel  of  the  toast,  or  to  drink  above  two  dishes  of 
tea.  Having  finished,  she  pretended  she  must  retire 
on  some  urgent  business,  which  had  just  occurred  to 
her  mind;  (for  ladies  will  lie  to  serve  a  turn)  and  after 
a  dry  compliment  or  two  she  went  off,  resolved  never 
to  return. 

As  she  went  along  the  streets,  her  wounded  heart  boil- 
ed with  a  thousand  cogitations,  how  or  when  she  had  of- 
fended Leonora.  '*  What  have  I  done,  or  said,  that  should 
have  given  her  umbrage?  I  know  of  nothing:  And  there- 
fore I  care  not  for  her  anger.     If  people  will  be  so  odd 


284  DIALOGUES 

in  their  teiTiper,  they  must  even  come  to  themselres  at 
their  leisure.     And  so  your  servant,  Leonora.*' 

Lnfidelis.  That  was  a  visit  more  innocent  than  many 
I  have  known,  for  I  hear  nothing  of  slander,  or  defama- 
tion of  absent  characters,  carried  on  in  it,  which  very  rare- 
ly happens  to  be  neglected  in  female  visits. 

DiscoRDAxs.  True,  sir,  but  the  matter  did  not  end 
here.  Poor  Matilda,  being  unable  to  bear  the  conceived 
wliglit.  made  free  to  call  on  Letitia,  on  her  way  home,  that 
ihe  nii^ht  give  a  little  vent  to  her  turbulent  passions.  Le- 
titia. being  as  destitute  of  innate  ideas,  as  she  is  of  fidelity, 
readily  listened  to  the  plaintive  accounts,  how  Matilda 
had  b'c*en  served:  without  hesitation  approved  her  depar- 
ture, kindly  fanned  the  flame  of  resentment,  and  at  last 
advised  her  to  let  Leonora  come  to  herself  when  she  should 
find  it  convenient. 

Matilda  had  not  been  long  gone,  before  Letitia,  who 
burned  with  impatience  to  have  a  little  tittle-tattle,  went 
to  Leonora,  and  set  mischief  abroach  with  her  also.  She 
told  her  all  the  former  had  said  of  her,  and  happily  gare 
it  such  a  turi.  as  to  render  it  very  offensive,  notwithstand- 
ing she  kept  strictly  to  the  letter  of  truth.  Some  "people 
are  remarkably  happy  in  talents  of  this  kind:  By  their 
manner  of  representation,  they  can  turn  things  quite  frora 
their  natural  appearance,  as  I  may  perhaps  show  you  in 
•ome  future  conference.  Leonora  could  not  but  think 
herself  very  ill  used,  and  resolved,  weakly  as  she  was, 
that  she  should  be  a  slave  to  nobody's  temper. 

V/hen  Matilda  and  Leonora  met  next  time,  being  pre- 
possessed with  mutual  disgust,  their  compliments  v/ere 
dry  and  starched^  and  each  secretly  blamed  the  indiffer- 
ence of  the  other.  By  this  time,  I  furnished  each  of 
them  with  a  telescope,  by  which  they  might  thoroughly 
examine  each  other's  conduct,  and  so  reciprocally  strict 
is  their  mutual  watch,  that  nothing  can  escape  them. 
Thus,  from  the  smallest  beginning,  founded  too  in  mis- 
understanding, I  raised  perpetual  disgust  and  enmi- 
ty. Absurd  and  ridiculous  as  this  is,  I  could  point  you 
out  a  thousand  differences,  sprung  from  incidents  equal- 
ly frivolous  and  unimportant.  Indeed,  if  Freedom  and 
Bubmission  keep  at  a  distance,  I  can  blow  up  a  flame  of 
contention  the  most  violent,  from  the  smallest  mattert 
imaginable.     And  I  thank  vaj  itars,  Messrs.  Freedom 


OF  DEVILS.  285 

and  Submission  are  in  no  great  esteem  with  mankind. 
But,  wherever  they  come,  they  destroy  my  seeds,  and  ef- 
fectually extinguish  my  flames,  for  they  are  irresistible 
peace-makers. 

Fastosus.  It  is  I,  my  son,  who  have  brought  those 
gentlemen  into  disrepute.  I  persuade  people,  it  is  be- 
neath them  to  submit  to  their  equals,  how  much  soever 
they  have  been  in  the  wrong.  I  have,  ere  now,  persua- 
ded one  man  to  do  all  he  could,  to  ruin  the  reputation 
of  his  neighbour,  in  order  to  establish  his  own,  when 
he  found  it  in  a  tottering  condition;  and  that  too  amongst 
those  who  take  themselves  to  be  more  righteous  than 
others. 

DiscoRDAxs.  I  have  great  pleasure,  sometimes,  in  mak- 
ing parents  become  the  instruments  of  their  children's 
ruin.  Or,  as  some  people  say,  to  kill  them  with  kind- 
ness. I  make  it  my  business  to  prejudice  almost  every 
parent  so  far  in  favour  of  his  children,  that  every  one  con- 
siders his  own,  as  the  most  witty  and  active;  or,  to  use 
the  words  of  a  good  woman,  concerning  her  son  of  two 
years  old,  the  most  manly  of  any  child  in  the  neighbour- 
hood; even  as  the  crow  conceives  her  own  to  be  fairer 
than  all  the  children  of  the  feathered  people. 

I  shall  trouble  you  with  but  one  instance,  out  of  the 
niillions  I  might  produce.  Little  master  Jacky,  was  one 
of  those  extraordinary  children,  whose  almost  every  ac- 
tion was  out  of  the  common  way,  the  wonder  and  admi- 
ration of  his  astonished  parents.  Jacky  must  not  be  chid, 
when  he  pinched,  bit  or  scratched  his  nurse,  but  must 
have  his  own  pretty  little  humour;  it  was  even  pleasing 
to  see  his  lovely  fist  darted  into  his  parents'  faces.  So, 
you  may  be  sure,  the  child  must  not  be  suffered  to  cry 
upon  any  account,  but  must  always  be  indulged  in 
whatever  he  wanted.  Thus  this  extraordinary  child,  in 
whom  however,  none  besides  his  parents  could  see  any 
thing  out  of  the  common  way,  notwithstanding  every  vi- 
sitor was  plagued  with  the  history  of  his  wonderfuls 
feats,  upon  which  his  parents  dwelt  with  raptures — I 
say,  Jacky  found  himself  master  of  the  whole  family; 
he  acted  accordingly,  and  took  his  own  way  in  every  par- 
ticular. 

By  these  means  his  tempers  gained  strength,  so  that 


286  DIALOGUES 

they   became   habitual,  not  to  be  broken  by   ordinary 
means. 

When  he  got  a  few  more  years  over  his  head,  still 
growing  in  his  humour,  the  poor  parents  began  to  see 
and  lament  the  errors  of  their  former  conduct.  Too 
late,  master  Jacky  being  now  in  breeches  and  grown  a 
great  boy,  will  not  readily  give  back  that  dominion  they 
were  pleased  to  put  into  his  hands,  when  but  in  petti- 
coats. He  thinks  it  very  hard  he  should  not  choose  for 
himself  now  he  is  ten,  as  w  ell  as  when  he  was  but  three 
years  old;  rightly  judging,  that  he  was  not  more  wise  then 
than  he  is  now;  and  if  they  thought  him  fit  to  be  all  their 
masters  then,  he  is  sure  that  by  this  time  he  is  much  more 
fit  to  govern. 

Apprehensive  now  of  the  ruin  of  his  son,  the  father  ex- 
hibits exhortations,  injunctions,  reproofs,  and  threaten^ 
ings,  with  great  severity.  In  vain,  for  not  being  bended 
whilst  tender  and  malleable,  master's  tempers  are  not 
now  to  be  turned  out  of  their  native  channel.  As,  in  for- 
mer times,  I  plied  the  parents,  in  prejudice  of  their  dar- 
ling, it  was  now  time  to  ply  him  also  in  his  turn.  I  fur- 
nished him  a  pair  of  glasses,  and  directed  him  in  the  use 
of  them;  and  now  the  youth  began  to  reason  upon  his  fa- 
ther's conduct. 

*'  What  a  change  is  this  come  to  my  father?  Once 
he  was  something  like  good  natured,  but  now  he  is  the 
most  self-willed  and  rigorous  man  in  the  world.  Sure- 
ly no  reasonable  person  would  impose  such  laws  upon 
hii  children,  as  he  does  on  me;  laws,  such  as  nobody 
of  any  spirit  would  submit  to.  I  was  formerlv  his  pret- 
ty lad,  his  good  boy,  and  every  thing  I  did  was  right. 
Times  are  strangely  changed;  for  now  I  can  do  no- 
thing to  please  him.  I  couid  have  had  what  I  would, 
and  gone  where  1  pleased:  but  now,  I  am  perplexed 
•with  warm  exhortations,  which  I  hear  unreasonably  fre- 
quent; and  can  go  no  where  without  his  leave,  as  if  I 
had  not  more  sense  now  than  when  I  was  little.  His 
reproofs  are  too  harsh;  I  hear  of  nothing  but  my  stub- 
bornness and  wickedness;  of  his  and  my  mother's  sor- 
row; and  of  breaking  their  hearts,  on  my  account.  I 
should  break  none  of  their  hearts,  I  assure  them,  if  they 
would  let  me  alone. 

**•  Cannot  my  father  and  mother  grieve  for  themselves, 


OF  DEVILS.  287 

and  not  teaze  me  about  their  trouble?  I  am  no  worse 
than  mj  neighbours;  though,  by  their  account,  1  might 
be  the  wickedest  wretch  that  ever  lived.  It  is  not 
enough  that  I  must  go  to  church  on  holidays,  but  we 
must  have  lectures  on  divinity  at  home;  and  for  me,  I 
am  roundly  told,  that  if  I  go  on  as  I  do,  I  must  cer- 
tainly perish.  Yes,  I  must  even  be  damned  and  go  to 
hell.  Old  people  are  surely  very  conceited:  1  will  war- 
rant me  they  think  they  are  so  very  good,  they  are  sure 
to  go  to  heaven.  It  is  a  brave  thing  to  have  a  good 
opinion  of  one's  self,  which  surely  must  be  their  case, 
or  they  would  never  plague  me  thus  with  their  repeat- 
ed lectures.  Well,  for  my  own  part,  I  am  not  so  vain, 
and  yet  I  think  1  am  in  no  greater  danger  than  they 
are.  When  they  were  young,  I  dare  say,  they  loved 
pleasure  as  well  as  me;  but  now  they  get  old  and  can- 
not relish  it  themselves,  they  would  absurdly  restrain 
me  from  it.  Reasonable  parents  ought  nut  to  form 
their  commands  upon  what  they  now  are,  but  what  they 
were  when  of  my  age.  But  I  am  determined  to  sub- 
mit to  no  such  government.  I  will  even  take  my  plea- 
sure whilst  I  can  have  it  and  let  them  grieve  on  if  they 
choose." 

Thus,  gentlemen,  I  persuade  many  to  lay  up  future  af- 
flictions for  themselves,  in  the  early  ruin  of  their  children, 
by  over  indulgence.  I  say  early  ruin;  for,  if  little  master 
is  not  taught  to  submit  to  ,8;overnment  whil>t  in  petticoats, 
it  is  much  if  he  ever  learns  submission  after  he  is  in 
breeches.  He  who  always  had  his  own  way  when  but  an 
infant,  will  take  it  very  ill  to  be  restrained  when  he  rises 
towards  manhood.*  Yet,  some,  yea  many  p?irents,  will 
let  their  children  do  as  they  please,  v/hilsc  but  little,  and 
increase  in  their  strictness  as  they  advance  in  years,  so 
that  they  become  mutual  atllictions  to  each  other.  In 
manhood  you  know  children  should  be  used  by  their  pa- 
rents as  friends  and  confidants,  instead  of  being  kept  at  an 
av^ful  distance.  Yet  those  very  p.^.rents,  who  have  laid 
the  foundation  of  their  son's  ruin,  by  early  indulgence  in 
his  infancy,  very  oft-a  complete  it  by  unseasonable  strict- 
ness over  him,  when  he  is  verging  towards  man's  estate. 
You  know  parents  should  always  act,  so  as  that  their  coaa- 

•  Vide  Locke  on  Education. 


288  DIALOGUES 

pany  shall  never  be  burdensome  to  their  children.    But  I 
shall  become  a  moralist  if  I  go  on  thus. 

Lmpiator.  Many  such  youths  as  master  Jacky  fall  into 
my  hands.  If  once  they  can,  by  any  means,  be  brought 
to  despise  reproof,  I  reckon  myself  quite  sure  of  them; 
and  when  they  come,  1  commonly  employ  them  in  my 
deepest  mines. 

Infidelis.  It  is  always  a  hopeful  sign,  when  the  heart 
is  hardened  against  reproof.  If  a  young  one  can  be 
brought  to  despise  the  commands,  reproofs  and  advice  of 
his  parents,  he  bids  fair  for  being  one  of  the  devil's  com- 
panions for  ever,*  and,  indeed,  nothing  but  tha  grace  of 
God  can  prevent  it.  It  is  very  agreeable  to  us  to  see  how 
happily  successful  our  influences  are  over  mankind,  espe- 
cially in  Britain.  There,  many  parents  bring  up  their 
children,  just  as  if  they  designed  them  purposely  for  the 
devil.  I  have  great  hopes  of  the  next  generation,  gentle- 
men. 

DiscoRDAxs.  I  make  myself  very  merry  with  the  ladies, 
in  another  way,  which  also  turns  eventually  to  everlasting 
separation.  I  join  a  little  knot  of  them  together  so  close- 
ly for  a  time,  that  they  cannot  be  separated,  nor  bear  to 
be  asunder  for  a  day  together.  I  prejudice  them  so 
strongly  for  a  while  in  each  other's  favour,  that  they  show 
a  manifest  slight  to  those  who  are  not  happy  enough  to  be 
admitted  into  their  society.  Family  necessity,  and  every 
domestic  duty,  must  give  place  to  their  iirm  attachment  to 
one  another.  When  they  get  together  for  a  little  chit-chat, 
they  are  as  happy  as  the  birds  in  May;  not  only  examine 
every  absent  character,  within  the  circle  of  their  acquain- 
tance, and  report  to  each  other  all  the  evil  they  know  of 
their  own  sex;  but  each  dv/ells  severally  upon  the  excel- 
lencies or  failings  of  her  husband;  who  is,  at  one  time, 
the  best  of  men,  at  another  time  the  worst,  just  as  her  la- 
dyship happens  to  be  in  a  good  or  bad  humour  with  him. 
Thus  they  go  on,  until  every  one  is  fully  acquainted  with 
the  family  ailairs  of  the  rest,  and  thus  they  bring  them- 
selves into  the  power  of  one  another.  This  is  the  zenith 
of  that  happiness  to  which  I  aim  to  bring  them;  for  even 
the  devil  will  give  present  happiness,  in  order  to  introduce 
future  pain  and  sorrovr:  And  (assure  you  I  am  too  much 
akin  to  my  worthy  grandfather,  to  suffer  that  felicity  to  go 
lont;  uninterrupted. 


OF  DEVILS.  289 

First,  I  sow  a  spirit  of  jealousy  amongst  them — says 
Chloe,  "  Delia  seems  more  attached  to  Phillis  than  to  my- 
self or  Lucia;  Portia  is  never  happy  but  when  her  and 
Arabella  are  together."  And  so,  round  the  whole  club, 
the  spirit  of  jealousy  happily  operates,  and  gathers  strength 
by  every  day's  duration. 

It  is  not  to  be  thought  that  a  whole  society,  who  can 
cordially  join  in  picking  holes,  according  to  the  old 
proverb,  in  their  neighbour's  clothes,  can  long  refrain 
from  doing  as  much  for  one  another.  Nov/  they  begin 
to  moet,  two  and  two,  according  to  their  various  at- 
tachments, and  those  two  who  happen  to  meet  toge- 
ther, regale  themselves  with  a  very  pleasant  conversa- 
tion about  the  faults  and  weaknesses  of  those  who  are 
absent,  and  thus,  round  the  whole  society,  they  serve 
one  another.  By  and  by  it  is  whispered  what  Chloe  said 
at  such  a  place  about  Phillis;  what  Lucia  said  of  Ara- 
bella, &c.  until  I  blow  them  all  up  in  a  pleasing  flame  of 
resentment,  and  every  one  says  the  worst  she  knows  of 
her  neighbour,  which  commonly  is  a  great  deal.  Out 
come  personal  faults  along  with  family  affairs,  and  an 
hundred  etceteras;  and  those  very  ladies  sit  down,  just 
as  the  devil  would  have  them,  in  implacable  hatred  to 
each  other. 

Infidelis.  I  pray,  what  do  you  smile  at,  Avaro? 

AvARO.  I  was  thinking  on  an  encounter  1  had  with  the 
devil  Lunatio,  whom  I  accidentally  met  last  night,  with 
his  hair  standing  upright,  and  his  eyes  flaming  with  mad- 
ness. 

Fastosus.  And  pray  vvhere  had  that  mad-brained  devil 
been?  What  account  could  he  give  of  himself? 

AvARo.  He  was  quite  snappish  with  me,  and  run  on 
in  his  discourse,  as  if  he  had  been  very  angry.  There, 
said  he,  is  my  father  Infidelis,  there  is  my  uncle  Fasto- 
gus,  they  reign  uncontrolled  over  the  greatest  part  of 
mankind;  they  are  caressed,  even  adored,  by  the  most 
respectable  characters  in  both  church  and  state.  You 
yourself,  groveling  as  you  are,  reign  an  absolute  monarch 
m  the  will  and  affections  of  many  eminent  personages; 
but  I  am  hackneyed  by  the  basest,  and  when  I  have 
done,  am  denied  the  honour  of  my  labours,  and  people 
are  taught  to  believe  that  I  reign  only  over  the  bed- 
lams, and  other  mad-houses  of  the  world.  Whereas 
25 


290  DIALOGUES 

T  could  make  it  appear  to  all  the  Infernal  divan,  that 
there  are  people  who  go  about  at  large,  and  are  deem- 
ed in  their  perfect  senses,  more  mad  than  any  in  bed- 
lam. 

Well  then,  said  I,  brother  fiend,  stop  and  give  me  a 
sober  account  of  your  proceedings,  and  I  assure  you  I 
shall  give  you  all  due  acknowledgment. 

LuNATio.  I  have,  replied  he  abruptly,  a  great  deal  of 
business  among  statesmen,  to  drive  people  to  their  le- 
vees, which  they  dearly  love  to  have  crowded,  and 
which  never  could  be  without  my  assistance;  for  who 
would  attend  the  levee  of  my  lord  Superbo,  or  of  his 
grace  the  duke  of  Parkland,  unless  he  first  turned  fool? 
Would  any  man  feed  on  the  promise  of  a  courtier,  if 
he  were  not  mad.^  The  dinner  of  the  cameleon  is  as 
weighty  as  the  promise  of  the  greatest  statesman,  were 
it  even  confirmed  by  a  smile  of  the  countenance  and  a 
grasp  of  the  hand;  for  it  all  means  no  more  than  "  I  am 
glad  to  see  you  thicken  my  levee."  There  is  never  a 
levee  day  but  I  am  obliged  to  bestir  myself  to  drive  the 
fools  together. 

If  the  premier,  or  the  head  man  of  any  department, 
finds  himself  on  the  decline,  and  that  he  shall,  without 
some  good  assistance,  be  obliged  to  resign;  that  is,  be 
turned  out  of  his  place;  I  am  beseeched  to  procure  some 
verbose,  intrepid  scribbler,  to  cry  up  his  abilities  and 
proceedings,  as  much  superior  to  those  of  all  his  pre- 
decessors, for  time  immemorial.  But  a  man  must  first 
be  reduced  to  a  state  of  lunacy,  before  he  will  venture 
on  a  work  so  difficult,  and  which  is  likely  to  be  but  very 
ill  rewarded,  in  the  first  place,  he  is  likely  to  have 
truth  and  fact  to  overturn,  before  the  end  can  be  ob- 
tained; and  these,  you  know,  are  stubborn  and  obstinate.  ' 
In  the  second  place,  if  he  is  happy  enough  to  succeed, 
and  sets  down  his  patron  firmly  in  his  chair  again;  he  is 
soon  made  to  understand  that  his  service  has  done  him 
little  or  no  good;  he  is  thanked  for  his  good  intention; 
but  is  given  to  know,  that  things  would  have  been  just 
as  they  are  if  no  defence  at  all  had  been  made.  If 
his  patron  is  turned  out,  the  scribbler  is  blamed  for 
having  omitted  something  which  might  have  been  of  ser- 
vice, instead  of  being  rewarded  for  what  he  has  done. 
— So  that,  at  all  events,  he  must  come  oft' loser;  and 


OF  DEVILS.  291 

therefore  none  but  a  iTiadman  will  venture  on  the  under- 
taking. ^ 

The  lawyers  also  would,  but  for  mv  influences,  be  ob- 
liged to  drive  teams  or  follow  ploughs^  for  who  but  mad- 
men would  ever  find  them  emplovment?  But  in  conse- 
quence of  their  firm  attachment  to  our  government,  I 
persuade  some  to  expose  themselves,  by  slowness  of  pay- 
ment of  their  just  debts,  to  the  fangs  of  the  lawyers; 
others,  to  quarrel  about  trifles,  and  refer  the  matters  to 
them  for  decision.  Sometimes  I  advise  a  father  to  leave 
his  daughter  under  the  guardianship  of  an  attorney,  or 
an  uncle  to  leave  his  estate  to  a  minor  nephew,  under 
ihe  care  and  inspection  of  a  counsellor;  either  of  which 
is  likely  to  be  a  lucrative  job  to  the  gentlemen  of  the 
law.  You  know  very  well,  continued  he,  that  none  but 
madmen  will  ever  refer  their  differences  to  the  deci- 
sion of  those  gentlemen,  whilst  there  are  three  honest 
men  to  be  met  with  in  the  nation;  nor  will  any  man 
in  his  right  mind  ever  leave  an  attornev  executor  to  his 
will. 

There  are  abundance  of  people  who  live  above  their 
revenues,  and  others  still  who  have  abundance,  but  dare 
not  make  use  of  it,  scarcely  allowing  themselves  the 
common  necessaries  of  life,  for  fear  of  future  poverty. 
— I  have  known  a  lady  of  sixty,  possessed  of  two  or 
three  thousand  pounds  per  annum,  actually  afraid  of 
dying  for  want.  Those  gentry  are  all  under  my  do- 
minion. Besides,  a  very  great  share  of  my  influence 
rests  on  many  others,  who  are  grievously  oppressed 
with  troubles  that  never  happen.  Some  are  so  remark- 
ably ingenious  as  to  apprehend  difficulties  for  them- 
selves and  offspring  for  a  great  many  years  to  come, 
Us  if  the  evil  of  the  day  were  not  sufficient  of  itself. 

Stop,  Lunatio,  said  I,  there  you  touch  me  sensibly. 
I  will  not  thus  give  up  my  careful  subjects.  True,  re- 
plied he,  but  you  and  I  may  play  into  one  another's 
hands.  And,  although  I  allow  them  to  be  yours,  it  is 
easy  to  see  abundance  of  madness  in  their  disposition 
and  conduct.  What  wisdom,  I  pray  you,  is  there  in  any 
man's  burdening  himself  to-day  with  what  may  or  may 
not  happen  a  twelve  month  hence. ^  Less  still,  in  pre- 
tending to  foresee  what  may  happen  in  future,  seeing  all 


292  DIALOGUES ' 

future  events  are  locked  up  in  the  council  of  the  eternal- 
mind. 

There  are  people  of  property,  v/ho  sink  their  rents, 
fall  their  timber,  mortgage  their  estates,  in  giving  grand 
entertainments  to  hungry  visitants  and  hangers-on,  after 
the  example  of  Timon  of  Atliens,  in  order  to  be  thought 
generous  and  great:  not  once  considering  that  the  nearest 
way  to  esteem  is  still  to  preserve  the  golden  cord  in  the 
hands  of  the  owner.  Let  all  be  once  spent,  the  insatiable 
hnr;:cr5-on,  who  crowd  the  plenteous  table,  will  drop  oft' 
like  leaves  in  autumn;  and  if  the  wretch  retains  the  lov- 
ing regard  of  Argus,  his  dog,  he  must  expect  no  more. 
Away  with  the  fool  to  Bedlam!  He  ought  to  go  no  longer 
without  shackles. 

Parents  there  are,  so  doatingly  fond  of  their  children, 
that  they  strip  themselves  of  their  possessions,  in  order 
to  make  them  respectable  in  the  world,  long  enough  be- 
fore their  own  lives  are  at  a  period,  leaving  their  future 
support  to  the  good  nature  and  mercy  of  the  dear  boy  or 
girl,  who,  it  is  thought,  are  so  well  disposed,  as  to  be  in- 
capable of  ingratitude  to  those  who  gave  them  being.  But 
let  the  dear  boy  or  girl  once  get  the  parent's  estate  into 
their  power,  and  they  will  give  tiiem  occasion  enough  to 
lament  their  folly,  when  every  shilling  received  shall 
come  with  a  very  intelligible  frown;  the  language  of 
which,  to  the  parent,  is, ""  I  wish  you  were  once  in  your 
grave."  Such  parents  ought  to  be  provided  for  at  the 
public  expense,  and  kept  in  some  place  of  confinement, 
like  other  lunatics. 

Other  parents,  to  avoid  falling  into  error,  which  thej 
foresee  may  be  productive  of  great  personal  inconveni- 
ence, with  an  equal  degree  of  madness,  flee  into  the  op- 
posite extreme.  They  can  find  in  their  hearts  to  part 
with  nothing  whilst  they  live:  they  will  find  some  plausi- 
ble pretext  or  other,  for  which  they  will  retain  the  sole 
possession  of  their  goods  and  chattels:  rather  than  give  a 
suitable  measure  of  parental  assistance,  will  sufier  the 
young  people  to  begin  the  world  under  all  possible  disad- 
vantages. Send  such  parents  to  Newgate,  I  say;  for  they 
are  worse  than  mad! 

You  do  me  injustice  again,  Avaro,  in  claiming  the 
sole  power  to  yourself  over  parents  who  will  oppress 


OF  DEVILS.  293 

their  servants,  overreach  their  neighbours,  grind  the 
faces  of  the  poor,  and  sell  their  souls  to  the  devil,  in 
order  to  procure  fortunes  for  their  children.  This  is 
80  far  from  answering  the  end  proposed,  in  gaining  the 
love  and  esteem  of  the  young  people,  that  it  has  quite 
a  contrary  tendency.  The  greater  the  estate,  the  more 
impatient  will  the  heir  apparent  be  to  be  put  into  quiet 
possession  for  himself.  The  more  there  is  depending 
upon  the  death  of  a  parent,  the  more  eager  will  children 
be  to  have  him  out  of  the  way.  So  eager  have  some  been, 
that  they  have  been  obliged  "to  use  violence,  in  order  to 
get  the  cumbersome  old  man  out  of  the  world.  Deliver 
them  up  to  me,  Avaro,  for  they  are  all  the  children  of 
madness.  And  yet  Lunatio  is  deemed  a  foolish  devil, 
and  a  son  of  idleness. 

You  are  very  prone  to  ascribe  to  chance  or  accident, 
and  other  such  chimerical  gentry,  works,  the  honour" of 
which  is  due  only  to  myself.  Aye,  you  are  apt  to  con- 
clude that  there  is  even  madness  in  religion.  Pride  and 
covetousness  may  prevail  ever  so,  but  you  never  think  of 
madness.  What  less  than  madness  is  it  to  worship  a 
wooden  Saviour,  or  a  Jesus  Christ  of  man's  making?  To 
adore  a  god  that  has  been  baked  in  an  oven:  or  to  pre- 
tend to  eat  the  Deity .^  I  could  open  such  a  field  before 
you,  as  would  make  you  wonder  at  the  boundings  of  re- 
ligious madness. 

Go  with  me  to  the  chambers  of  the  sick,  and  see  the 
works  of  madness  there  performed.  That  lady  having 
over  eaten  herself  at  dinner,  finding  her  stomach  un- 
easy, took  a  glass  of  brandy,  to  help  digestion;  after 
that  another,  &c.  until  she  is  now  very  ill  upon  it. 
The  physician  is  sent  for,  and,  after  feeling  her  pulse, 
asks  her  a  pertinent  question  or  two,  as,  do  you  feel  an 
uneasiness  at  your  stomach,  madam?  Does  your  head 
ache,  madam?  Have  you  a  thirst  upon  you,  madam?  ^ 
You  were  taken  ill  after  dinner,  were  you,  madam? ' 
He  prescribes  a  gentle  purgative  draught  or  two,  to  as- 
sist nature  to  throw  off  her  load,  after  having  thus 
learned  the  cause  of  her  disorder.  Now  there  is  an  in- 
itance  of  a  threefold  madness  for  you.  In  the  first 
place,  although  the  food  was  rich  and  delicious,  it  was 
madness  to  eat  after  nature  said  it  was  enough.  Se- 
condly, it  was  madness  to  pour  such  a  quantity  of  strong 
25* 


294  DIALOGUES 

liquor  into  a  stomach  already  glutted.  And,  thirdly,  it 
was  madness  to  send  for  a  physician,  seeing  she  would 
be  well  enough  by  to-morrow  noon,  by  which  time  na- 
ture, unassisted,  might  have  struggled  from  beneath  its 
burthen.  Shall  I  never  have  due  honour  paid  to  my 
operations? 

This  other  woman  before  you  is  indeed  in  a  dangerous 
fever;  but  she  will  have  no  assistance.  It  is  only  a 
deep  cold  she  has  caught,  and  she  hopes  to  get  better 
in  a  day  or  two,  with  care  and  keeping  warm.  By  and 
by,  when  the  symptoms  of  death  are  actually  upon  her, 
the  physician  must  be  sent  for  in  all  haste.  And  when 
the  fever  alone  is  more  than  nature  can  sustain,  she 
must  have  the  additional  torment  of  swallowing  medi- 
cines, even  without  a  possibility  of  their  being  of  the 
least  service.  Is  there  no  madness  in  this  case?  Is  it 
not  madness  to  trifle  with  a  disease  in  its  beginning,  the 
only  time,  perhaps,  in  which  medicine  can  afford  re- 
lief? Is  it  not  equally  madness  to  torment  the  sick, 
and  throw  money  away  upon  the  doctor,  when  the  dis- 
ease is  evidently  beyond  a  remedy?  And  yet  you  would 
exclude  me  from  having  any  share  in  the  government  of 
mankind. 

No,  Lunatio,  returned  I,  we  do  not  exclude  you.  We 
should  even  be  glad  to  have  a  full  account  of  your  opera- 
tions in  some  of  our  friendly  meetings. 

Lunatio.  I  could  give  you  such  an  account  as  would 
surprise  you  all,  might  the  honours  due  to  my  operations 
be  properly  acknowledged.  But  I  cannot  stay  now,  hav- 
ing urgent  business  in  the  west  end  of  a  certain  metro- 
polis. 

Pray,  cousin.,  may  a  brother  fiend  be  acquainted  with 
it?  said  I.  He  replied,  you  know,  that  almost  the  one 
half  of  the  nation  is  in  a  starving  condition,  and  are,  as 
it  were,  on  the  tip-toe  of  rebellion,  yet  in  a  very  great 
strait  how  to  act.  They  think  it  hard  to  famish  amidst 
plenty;  to  die  of  hunger  whilst  the  barns  are  full  of  corn, 
and  the  pastures  are  well  peopled  with  cattle;  whilst  their 
governors  can  afford  to  spend  thousands  at  a  horse  race, 
or  in  an  evening's  play.  On  the  other  hand,  they  think 
it  hard  to  be  shot  at,  by  those  who  are  murderers  by  pro- 
fession; or  to  be  hung  at  Tyburn  for  seeking  to  procure 
bread  for  their  families. 


OF  DEVILS.  295 

In  this  dilemma,  the  poor  wretches  are  raising  their 
voices  to  government,  beseeching  their  lawgivers  to  spare 
so  much  time  from  their  own  pleasure  and  amusement  as 
to  take  their  wretched  case  into  serious  consideration, 
that  they  may  not  die  by  artificial  famine.  AVhat  I  aim 
at  is,  to  persuade  those  in  power  to  treat  their  complaints 
with  neglect,  and  themselves  as  clamorous,  uneasy,  and 
turbulent  people.  Instead  of  redressing  their  grievances, 
to  threaten  them  with  the  strict  execution  of  the  laws  a- 
gainst  rioters.  If  I  am  happy  enough  to  gain  this  point, 
as  I  think  I  shall,  we  shall  soon  see  the  spirit  of  madness 
raving  all  over  the  nation,  and  even  the  wise  will  become 
fools. 

Oppression,  you  know,  will  make  even  a  wise  man 
mad.  Therefore,  when  their  oppressions  can  no  longer 
be  borne,  there  will  go  forth  a  spirit  of  insurrection  a- 
mong  the  people;  and  that  shall  be  followed  by  a  spirit 
of  murder,  until  all  the  riots  are  sufficiently  quelled, 
and  the  leading  insurgents  punished  by  death  or  trans- 
portation. Then  will  follow  a  spirit  of  emigration,  and 
every  one,  almost,  will  wish  himself  to  have  been 
transported  at  the  expense  of  government.  At  this 
very  time,  there  are  not  less  than  five  hundred  thousand 
families  who  are  kept  in  their  native  country  by  no- 
thing but  the  want  of  means  to  get  cleverly  out  of  it. 
Neighbouring  nations  will  give  all  possible  encourage- 
ment to  the  poor  to  settle  with  them;  every  opportun- 
ity will  be  taken  to  cross  the  Atlantic,  until  the  na- 
tion referred  to  shall  become  almost,  if  not  quite,  de- 
populated. 

Now,  the  madness  of  the  scheme  lies  here.  The 
true  riches  of  a  nation  are  its  inhabitants;  and  the 
grandeur  of  the  great  depends  wholly  on  the  number  of 
those  in  inferior  stations.  In  proportion,  therefore, 
to  the  oppressions  of  the  poor,  will  the  nation  decrease 
in  its  strength.  Every  emigration  from  the  mother 
country  will  either  increase  the  number  of  colonists, 
or  strengthen  the  hands  of  natural  enemies;  of  course, 
the  neglect  of  the  present  complaints  will  eventually 
be  the  entire  ruin  of  the  great  men  themselves,  and  the 
translation  of  the  empire  to  another,  and  very  distant 
seat.  Yet,  after  all,  perhaps,  it  will  be  alleged  that 
Lunatio  hath  no  influence.     But  I  shall  raise  myself  an 


«96  DIALOGUES 

immortal  name  upon  my  own  foundation.  I  deign  no 
more  converse  with  a  groveling  spirit.     Adieu. 

Infidelis.  This  same  Lunatio  is  a  spirit  active  enough, 
and  we  give  him  due  respect;  but  he  is,  like  all  his  disci- 
ples, fixed  in  his  own  views,  and  there  is  no  giving  him 
proper  ideas  of  things.  I  should  be  glad,  Fastosus,  to 
hear  more  fully  what  you  were  saying  last  night  concern- 
ing the  Sadducees.  It  might  be  informing  to  these 
younger  devils. 

Fastosus.  You  know,  sir,  they  were  a  set  of  deists 
among  the  Jews,  who,  like  the  modern  deists,  did  not 
believe  that  there  are  any  angels,  good  or  bad,  or  shall 
be  any  resurrection  from  the  dead.  I  did  not  only  per- 
suade the  scribes,  pharisees,  and  doctors  of  the  law,  to 
lay  aside  judgment,  mercy,  and  the  love  of  God,  in  order 
to  establish  their  own  traditions,  but  wrought  upon  the 
eadducees  to  prefer  their  own  reasoning  to  the  plainest 
declarations  of  the  word  of  revelation.  I  assured  them 
that  the  well  informed  author  of  the  book  of  Job  was 
under  a  delusion  when  he  said,  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  ^'  I 
know  that  my  Redeemer  liveth,  and  that  I  shall  stand 
with  him  at  the  latter  day  upon  the  earth;  and  although, 
after  my  skin,  worms  destroy  this  body,  yet  in  the  flesh 
I  shall  see  God."  I  persuaded  them  also,  that  the  pro- 
phet Isaiah  was  under  the  like  mistake  when  he  fore- 
told that  death  shall  be  swallowed  up  in  victory;  as  also 
Daniel,  who  asserted,  "  that  many,  who  then  slept  in 
the  dust,  shall  awake,  some  to  everlasting  life,  and  some 
to  everlasting  dishonour."  These,  together  with  the 
testimonies  of  all  the  prophets,  I  persuaded  them  to  re- 
'ject,  merely  because  they  could  not  comprehend  them, 
nor  account  for  it  how  the  dead  should  rise.  This,  you 
know,  is  the  very  reason  why  modern  deists  are  pleased, 
under  the  same  influence,  to  deny  the  whole  system  of 
revealed  truth. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  have  often  feasted  my  mind  on  the  pleas- 
ing prospect  of  that  amazement  and  surprise  which  shall 
overtake  those  infidels,  when  the  avenues  of  immortality 
Bhall  open  before  them,  and  the  terrors  of  an  incarnate,  a 
despised  God  and  Saviour,  shall  overwhelm  them  in  the 
floods  of  horrid  despair.  Their  pretended  virtue,  their 
philosophic  fortitude,  their  boasted  reason,  will  fail  them, 
when  they  Bee,  to  their  everlasting  confusion,  that  htt 


OF  DEVILS.  29r 

Vi\\o  despiseth  the  Soh,  despiseth  also  the  Father  who 
sent  him. 

Fastosu3.  The  deist  is  mj  faithful,  deluded  disciple. 
AVherever  you  meet  with  a  man  of  deistical  principles, 
you  will  easily  discern  my  image  at  large  on  his  forehead, 
and  my  mark  on  his  right  hand.  Nothing  but  pride  can 
induce  a  man  to  prefer  his  own  reason  to  the  dictates  of 
•acred  revelation. 

Fastosus  here  stopped,  and,  in  terrible  agitation,  thus 
addressed  his  brethren:  Let  us  flee,  my  friends!  Let  us 
flee  I  For  yonder  comes  Michael,  the  archangel,  and  with 
him  a  numerous  train,  with  whom  we  are  not  able  to  con- 
tend. They  instantly  took  wing,  shot  through  the  yield- 
ing air,  and  I  saw^  them  no  more.  Nor  am  1  certain  if  I 
shall  ever  have  an  opportunity  of  listening  to  their  friend- 
ly conferences  again;  but  if  1  should,  as  is  not  impos- 
feible,  the  public  may  expect  to  hear  what  passes  among 
them,  so  far  as  may  come  to  the  know^ledge  of  a  sincere 
friend  to  mankind. 

THE  LISTENER. 


t^. »  ',:t...    ] 


